Bipolar II Disorder | Lived Experience

I'm haunted by a text that I keep on my phone from one of my childhood friends I'll never forget it was two months before she died and she sent me a text and I was speaking about my bipolar 2 disorder a long time ago and um she heard the story and she sent me a text to Kyle and she said you know I'm so proud that you're doing this it was so wonderful to see you speak about it I've never shared this with anyone in my life but I was also diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and it made me feel dirty and ashamed and from that day forward I'm I'm a changed woman when it comes to being more open and honest I'm tired of losing good people to the diseases of mental health and substances [Music] welcome to Med circles it's all in your head podcast I'm Kyle Kittleson your guest host today and that's because I'll be interviewing the typical host of it's all in your head Jackie colbeth specifically with her lived experience as living with bipolar II disorder and also alcoholism Jackie it's my pleasure to welcome you to your very own podcast nice to see you thank you it is so nice to be welcomed first of all I want to thank you for coming on to share your experience I have interviewed a number of people on Med circle with lived experiences and the feedback is always the same which is oh my goodness thank you for sharing that I didn't know other people were struggling with this or I am uh so thrilled to know I am not alone typically both are the feedback and responses I get um my first question to open this up is how are you feeling about sharing these really personal parts of your life with essentially the public I mean anxious to the point of like stomach knots you know I think it's you know it's one of those things I think like most things in life practice makes perfect you know the more you talk about something the easier it becomes to articulate the better you are at articulating it if you're never sharing it never talking about it I'm kind of one of those that's like well yes it's wildly uncomfortable but at the same time um I'm just at a place in my life where I I don't care if I'm uncomfortable I um I see a lot of people in pain I've lost a lot of good people in my life to mental illness so um to me I'm at a point in my life where I'm like I don't really care if one person hears this and feels comforted cool yeah like job accomplished what would you say was more difficult managing bipolar II or managing substance use oh it's a great question I would say this having a problem with alcohol was way easier for me to accept than struggling with a mental illness it was way easier it was way more Chic you know people in the early 2000s you know going to rehab was some sort of right of passage right and it was sort of okay to struggle with substance abuse alcoholism whatever your poison was it still was not okay when I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder a correct diagnosis I believe finally it wasn't until 2003 2004. so I had been sober at that time I'd quit drinking at least a year before I sought treatment um for my mental health and um it was at least I've had a map to follow when I got my mental health diagnosis I I had worked a 12-step program I had used elements of that which helped me come to an acceptance of sorts um well definitely a true acceptance really um and use some of the tools there to help me along um with the mental health part yeah I want to go back to what you said about how rehab for substance use was almost yeah okay yeah you're allowed to go do that do you feel like today there is the same stigma of bipolar II disorder that there was when you were diagnosed back in we'll call it 2003. I I think really if anything there's just a a stigma still exists because people don't really know bipolar 2 disorder oh I'll even back up further than that people don't know bipolar disorder right I mean if one more person tells me oh look at her she's bipolar look at him he's bipolar because they're screaming or yelling I mean it just blows my mind yeah right which I do I do do that yeah and I do too you know I do scream and yell sometimes um but I don't think it has anything to do with the uh being on a spectrum it's just being human or Italian in my case um yeah there's a lot of ignorance about it people think with bipolar depression whether it's one bipolar two wherever you are on that Spectrum people either think you have like a multiple personality disorder um or like you're gonna be walking down the street and like happy and then like one second later your personality he kind of switches like a light switch all things that I haven't found to really be true by and large at all so I would say there's a huge stigma but I think too it's very difficult to diagnose and I'm not a doctor right we're not doctors but um I think it's very it's a mental illness that's difficult to diagnose because your symptoms can be so different right like for me I can get I'm sort of like the watered-down scotch version I would call for vernacular common vernacular I'd call bipolar II kind of the watered-down scotch of bipolar one disorder disorder which is more um what they would call manic depressive which you know you are having exceedingly extremes I had a family member who struggles with this um on my father's side and you know there is there is Market behavioral differences within short amount of time so it it can be very difficult to treat and then you also too will throw any substance abuse in 80 percent of people with bipolar disorder of anyone bipolar one two the whole spectrum they have an 85 percent chance of struggling with that so now you're you're putting drugs and alcohol and then you're going through withdrawal physically from those things on top of struggling with your mental condition um it can be very difficult to accurately diagnose on the first go yeah and we know that there is a fairly High misdiagnosis rating among all of mental health but certainly bipolar disorder and the treatment again not a doctor but the treatment for bipolar disorder disorder often requires medication and you can imagine if you were misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and be put on some very serious drugs how that could uh oh yeah it'll lead to other issues it's hell I mean I'll be honest the hardest part of my journey was the amount of medication that I was yanked on and off of for a sustained period of time well it's a sustained period of time I mean I was misdiagnosed starting younger probably 13. up until 23. so it started out I would say my journey is like most people you kind of start to discover whether you're conscious or not you know of your mental health around puberty so what happened was the behavioral changes that people will typically describe so I was a pretty outgoing energetic peppy spunky kid around 8th grade those weren't necessarily the characteristics that I was exhibiting the most of the most of the time I would say that I was more Melancholy so my bipolar II disorder presents a lot is depression it's easy to get um misdiagnosed with that because I wasn't having like you know kind of fits of great energy where I felt really great and euphoric and I felt Invincible in like a million bucks I I had never experienced that so it was one of those things where it was just pretty Insidious um because I started to just exhibit more depression so on the Spectrum I was you know not wanting to participate I was an athlete I'd played Sports my whole life you know it felt like it took 10 times the amount of energy to go to soccer practice 10 times the amount of energy to attend class yeah you know anyone who struggles with depression knows you know you're exerting double and you're sustaining like nothing you know so you're like on empty or a ton of coffee or you know something to when you're in those periods really so um when you put uh I got put on an SSRI got put on Zoloft when I was 13. well what effect did that have on me you know I mean it was did it put you into a manic state a bipolar to manifest I'll have irritability where I do feel like way more irritable than I should or the situation requires um so for me that's something I'm just conscious of that you know um okay I was getting excited but irritable you know like a lot of energy but maybe not you know um maybe it was nervous energy a little more than like yeah it's hard to feel good how did because you're 13. you've just explained how every 13 year old is excited and irritable and doesn't want to go to class and it's really hard to go to soccer practice how did you know and maybe you didn't did anyone know that this was more than just teenagers being teenagers and this was an actual issue that needed to be addressed I think really it you know when you're 13 unless you're um you know Award of the state you have parents right I mean in in my parents we're always very hip to mental health it wasn't anything in our home that was a stigma people in my family struggle with this um full disclosure Jackie and I know each other from childhood and I can attest to her family's openness yeah you guys are very open with one another that was not I I didn't see many families like that you guys were very I always thought man the the cold bus really run like a like a clan like they're together like and they tell each other everything you know well my father's Scottish there may be something to that it it is totally Clan oriented and you're right and and so I was fortunate so I was brought now I think my parents too like most parents they were conscious that depression runs in the family when I'm 13 I don't know about family history I don't know what signs to look for so I had parents who were exceedingly you know tuned in um and at that time whether I agree with it or not really wasn't the point it was they were in a position where they saw changes going on with their daughter they saw her starting to use substances starting to abuse substances that's something for them where they just understandably weren't willing to mess around with so I was sent to talk to a psychiatrist and was put on medication and that was really the route at that age presented to me now at 13 do I think I comprehended anything going on not and it's not no I I don't know if a 13 year old can comprehend things like mental health and what you can do to improve that and what your options are in becoming educated you just you you don't know so whether you're facing a mental health issue or a substance abuse issue when you're in your teens um you don't know what you don't know and no offense to teenagers they don't know a lot yet yeah I get that the so when you went to that psychiatrist when you were 13 was that your first experience getting mental health treatment it was my first experience and I didn't say a word the entire hour so this individual was just asking you questions and you weren't saying a word they'd ask questions and they'd have a long pause and then I just had the longest pause really I guess um why weren't you talking I was angry I even had to go ah so I was that kid that was like I think in my head going great I'm gonna walk right in to this stigma I don't belong here now this is you know I was resentful that I even had to go talk to someone because in my 13 year old mind you know all of this seemed really excessive and not something to panic about and um from what I can comprehend at the time I felt like you know great like this is really kind of setting me apart it's not like my girlfriends at soccer practice have to go talk to someone like this yeah so when you had this experience your sounds like you're shut off from it but you were put on an SSRI did your symptom symptomology or did your substance use increase decrease or stay the same I think it stayed the same okay I would say because it was very much at a younger age so I had my first drink at 12. wow um I think I got drunk first at 12. I remember feeling really good when you had alcohol in your system I just remember feeling a sense of like peace and what I mean by that well it was like a like us right like I have an active brain meaning it's much like a NASCAR track even if I look like I'm you know just zoned out it's running it's running fast there's multiple tracks so when I took a sip of alcohol and I ingested you know a depressant effectively I think I just went I'm not thinking about the past yeah I ain't thinking about the future this is like to me it was just like kind of a pause a mental pause that I needed and then just want it yeah from there on out I always wonder about that because uh you're not the only adolescent to go try alcohol and many of them try alcohol and then either never do it again or it becomes something that they can manage in their life and then for others it's some becomes something that it couldn't be managed where was the time between I'm taking nips as you put it uh from at 12 years old to hold on do I have a problem with substance use oh yeah that would 12 the first residential Rehabilitation Center I went to for alcohol was I was 16. so four years later it had reached a critical point oh yeah I mean it it Advanced it was binge like because mind you I'm in high school I'm playing very competitive Sports you know there was a level of Maintenance I'd try hard to do you can't miss school you can't miss soccer you know so you're I was binging so it was apparent to me at a very young age not only could I not have just one drink I didn't want one drink I don't see the point in one drink it's to me it was sort of like well you know this is this kind of is what it is but it was getting to a point where at that age I was just kind of a potpourri of of I remember testing positive you know I'm not proud but you know at any one time you could have opiates amphetamines um marijuana psychedelics um you know you're just testing positive down the line yeah and at that point you just how do you get a baseline for if you have a med an underlying mental health issue you're never going to get a baseline if if you don't get off the substances at least I couldn't I waited a whole year before I even addressed my mental health because I thought I've been pumped full of drugs both illegal and legal yeah from a very young age so I don't have a baseline as an adult I don't I haven't had a year where there hasn't been something yeah um you know I'm taking for my mental health good or bad yeah I mean the med Circle doctors will more or less say the same thing you know if you can't rule that out first it's hard to really address the true symptoms behind it because how do you know what's coming from what you also reminded me of something uh when you said you were making sure that things stayed afloat that you went to class that you play competitive Sports and that really Echoes a conversation you had with the gentleman who was struggling with digital Addiction in your first season of your podcast Charlie and he's he this is a guy who's maintaining jobs maintaining grades maintaining relationships but gaming and spending time on the internet to such a a degree that it he could only maintain everything there was no growth and for those of us looking in Imagine looking at Jackie at 15 and we go well there's an All-Star athlete and there's a girl who goes to school all the time and you know blah blah blah you would you would go well she can't have any issues she can't be struggling because look at all of the things that are on paper that are positive and I I like to highlight that because we can't assume that this the picture we're being shown is the full story and that's critical for parents caregivers whoever to understand well and how many tile do you read articles and let's say someone passes to Suicide how many times in the Articles do you do you hear the loved ones and the friends go I had no idea no idea and you think like Shirley Shirley no no they had no idea yeah or they had no idea the severity I mean it's really kind of one or the other I feel like because people were humans we can do an unbelievable job of Deceit and deceiving people and it's part of survival to me if I wasn't actively trying to deceive you into not looking at me then you wouldn't see my problem then you wouldn't ask me to do anything about it yeah um and then I wouldn't have to go through the pain of going through it to me that was just something that um you you you have to try to try to work through yeah that that's a deceit is a powerful uh action whether it's done consciously or unconsciously I'll I would also add that denial is fairly powerful or very powerful and I speak to Denial on the supporter side I'm curious to know if you think your opinion if there were people in your life who were just in denial because what I'm getting are 12 years old you're drinking it gets so bad that we need residential treatment program but there were four years in between there part of me is going well what was going on during those four years was anyone in denial um I think people were just it was hidden and maybe I'm giving myself too much credit but I suppose if you're in denial you might not look too hard at me it's so it's hard to say I never my parents surely weren't ever in denial okay and I would attribute that as a major part of why I'm even here today talking to you you know the two people who are responsible you know for my adolescent but at the time really pulled out all the stops just to make sure I lived to tell and that I lived another day I mean I don't have children of my own but I can imagine as it's been described to me um you have a child and you're afraid they're gonna die whether it's by their own hand on purpose or accidental um you're gonna do anything you're gonna do anything you think whether it's right whether it's wrong in hindsight um whether it helped or whether it hurt you're you're gonna take the step um to at least try to make an effort and and they did and part of that effort was this rehab facility at 16. how did that go oh that was like an epic flop it was a flop well you know I think it was one of those things where I was there for probably three months being impatient for three months at 16. they had a accredited high school so it was kind of one of those you know it was a you know I get you know I say like nice rehabs well you know go to one and tell me you know how wonderful yeah you know you think they might be um yeah three months I mean I I was some not that it was not my banner year and it's why why did it not work why why what made it a flop sure um well one on the alcoholism piece it's 16. I wasn't even remotely close to getting the Crux of that program which is I'm an alcoholic I got a problem with drinking I'm never going to do it normally and if I continue I'm probably gonna die and did you want to stop drinking well of course not I mean that because because it in the teenage years you go well I'm a teenager everything you said I mean so no and I thought this all very hard I was not a compliant I was not really compliant in my treatment at all um it it wasn't anything I was near ready to accept so that's one reason I don't think it was successful long term was it's hard to ask adults to do that yes you're going to ask a teenager to like really go deep and look at all their uglies they haven't even had enough time in their life to have their ugliness impact anyone else even like maybe their parents but you know it's 16 I wasn't trashing marriages um friends work there's so much more as an adult that that uh is motivating for you to deal with things at 16 um I really didn't feel like I was losing anything of major importance a lot of parents are going to hear that and they're gonna have a 16 year old who's struggling with substance use and go well shoot then why even send my 16 year old to rehab it it didn't work for Jackie did you think there's a way that 16 year old Jackie could have been successful at rehab no no so and I don't mean it's just a time thing then I and and you're right I don't mean it because the education wasn't there it was I don't mean that because the support wasn't there the support was there I didn't want it so I never embraced it I would suffer through it I would go through the motions I would do the celebrations but not at any given time was I accepting or responsive yeah not until I was on my own at 22 was I responsive to anything okay so let's talk about 16 to 22 then you get out of this rehab you call it an epic flop what does your life look like boarding school oh so your parents said okay and if that didn't work now we'll try boarding school yeah and and at that time um it was actually people don't believe this because they think it's like a military school experience that wasn't my experience like I went to a you know a prep school on the east coast to finish out High School um it was a good option for a few reasons one it gave me an opportunity to kind of have a fresh playground so to speak um I can go in there and and do really well and sort of get a fresh start away from any Temptations away from any negative um uh people or influences in my life it was new so there was that and then there was the component as I had a younger brother who's five years my junior and the amount of time and attention and emotion that my parents were dedicating toward me and I can really deplete your resources I think to to a degree in that department I mean uh uh you know you're not you're not kinda tired you're probably totally exhausted and it was getting to the point where you know my brother was being neglected in the time that he deserved um in the uh the relationship he deserved to have with my parents um being so preoccupied with me um it was impacting my brother too in that and and to remove myself from the situation was also good for him at that time and it was good for me yeah did you feel guilty about that to this day oh really yeah I I've certainly made amends I've reconciled um my brother is uh I love him maybe more than anyone I was wrecked with guilt when you said a 16 year old down and you tell them because of you this is why we have to do this and it's because your brother is neglected I mean any loving sibling is gonna feel bad and I felt horrible and and so I went on the plane and I went away and I you know at 16 to live by myself in part large part because I didn't want to negatively impact my brother we're very close he's been such a supporter of me that really for me at 16 the big moment was okay you you don't want this impacting Brad so um so where I went amends I made my amends was accepted into his point you know at 16 it's not like you're setting out consciously to hurt people when you're in the throes of a mental illness you're in the throes of addiction it really isn't something to be taken personal and I know it doesn't feel that way but it's not there was not you know I didn't wake up and be like I want to suck all the attention off my beloved sibling that wasn't but that's really kind of the reality of what happened so that was the the predicate to you know um to get out of the house and live apart from my family so as you're living apart are you still struggling with symptoms of bipolar disorder and are you still using substances yes okay so I was living a part you know through college so I never lived at home again wow um after I went uh and lived in a boarding school so I never lived at home again so all that was going on but again it was kind of like out of sight out of mind she's you know going to school there's not anything I can point to that you know she's really screwing up at um to to say anything to have any sort of you know foundation for a valid concern you're saying that your parents because you were at the school and you were pretty much just going to school living your life they didn't have any reason to be upset or think anything was wrong no I mean I wasn't getting arrested I wasn't living near them so they I wasn't physically seeing them frequently at all yeah um there was no way I mean unless I was getting reprimanded or getting in trouble um there's no way they would have um really been able to witness any of that did you feel discarded at all I mean you did yeah sorry go on no go ahead yeah you feel like a stain you know like like you're such Bad News Bears that you now have to like get out of here you know what I mean like it's kind of a feeling of like of course you feel abandoned you feel a little you feel dumped kind of you know like jeez this was this was so big of a problem now here I am kind of alone and isolated it's almost kind of the opposite feeling of what I think you would want someone who's experiencing mental health to feel which would be like included supported but a lot of times so the way symptoms manifest their behaviors manifest it's hard for that person to do it and look past you know what's Jackie and what's Jackie if she's just in a bad space there's a difference in in people who would know me would know that difference um but yes it's a feeling of rejection abandonment discardment embarrassment shame I mean it's like a cocked I call it like a cocktail of crap that you get to feel in addition to being like okay well how do I help myself how do I feel better can I feel better will I you know you have a lot going on internally in addition to all the external stuff that's usually coming at you too yeah when when we hear it from this perspective this lived experience perspective it's it you've clearly stated on one hand that this was done from Love from Love and supportiveness and with the best intentions and on the other hand you can't help but feel the cocktail of crap because of the nature of what has happened to a child you know 16 year old you are a child right I think at 22 you're still kind of a child yeah you really are I mean I certainly was at least yeah same same so I uh I I understand I you said that so perfectly I think that was really great that people will hear that part of it so from 16 to 22 you've gone through the boarding school you've gone through college you are still using you're still struggling with symptoms of bipolar disorder what what is the Catalyst then at 22 and that is Young yeah let's say all right I'm gonna stop this I don't know I didn't know I didn't mean one 22 year old who ever had a desire to stop drinking right yeah yeah I really didn't either and I can attest there were some uh to know but I think what happened was the treatment in the intervention I had had is an adolescent while I was too young to do anything with it it was like you planted a seed in my head that between the age of 16 to 22 you know there was this seed like well you don't drink normally you you always overdo it you always got to make phone calls the next day after you really tied one on I'm and your other friends aren't doing that a lot I say who'd I offend who who is owed an apology you know anyone gets like you know can who experiences that you know can can get that but it's um it it there were seeds that were planted and it's funny there really wasn't any one event there wasn't uh there was no arrests there was no job loss there was no nothing I literally was just drinking a lot I was doing a lot of drugs a lot of cocaine at that time and I literally remember coming home and I'd been on like I was awake for like the last three days and I was 22 years old and I was sitting in my room in downtown Chicago in my apartment and my best friend my roommate was just like I'm out of here you know you're you've now moved into a new realm where it's you know you're bringing people in the house you know it's not it's not good for me it's not a good deal for me anymore and I remember just thinking oh my God if I keep this up like I do think I'm gonna die like at risk of being real depressing or Macabre it was just this overwhelming feeling of like if you don't stop like you're done like your Luck's gonna run out like I just had this overwhelming kind of like spiritual experience and I'm not particularly religious um but it was kind of a Out of Body Experience where I just kind of felt this sentiment so deeply that I woke up the next morning and I was living near Newbury Park for the Chicagoans who who might be watching and I I was living across from Hazelden which was a substance abuse center and they had an outpatient core uh place and I just like trotted right through Newbury Park and I knocked on the door and someone opened it and I was like I really want to quit drinking and I've tried to do it on my own and I'm just like never successful I never get anytime allotted I never I don't know how like I want to but I I can't do you have any program I can enroll in and they said yes and they said yes and yes and I was working full-time at a new you know large newspaper downtown job of friends I had things that were going for me and my life but spiritually did not reflect any of the good so you know you're at such a disconnect and if you try to quit I tried to quit so often on my own it didn't work I finally was like okay well what point you know do I at least open my ears a little bit yeah the seed let's go back to that the seed that was planted that I want to ring loud and clear for listeners and supporters especially of young people who are struggling with substance use Jackie just painted the picture perfectly she's feeling shame resentful she's feeling discarded she's in a boarding school very far away and you could be sitting there as the parent going oh my gosh I hope I hope we're doing something good for our child that we love so much and like a seed you might not see the first Leaf sprouting from that seed until much much later and when I interviewed Andrea Arlington who's a ICF life coach and she specializes in addiction and family addiction that yeah surrounds us yes she uh really echoed a lot of what you just said and her approach to helping family members because it we we want other people to do what we want them to do but that is not always going to happen and don't discount that fight that discussion that emotional time that boarding school trip those all are potential seeds that can Sprout and I think for the supporters out there just keep planting those seeds because the more we plant the more likely one of them will turn into a a plant you know and Kyle too it's important I love that you brought her up in and I would be remiss if I didn't say this too most people who struggle with mental health issues someone in their family before them has struggled with either the same issue or similar it's genetic many of them are genetic right many are passed down there my family tree go check out every branch of it I did I mean go you will see these things run in family so like the likelihood of someone like me at 16 in some sort of facility you can guarantee either a parent uh uncle aunt anyone just go within your family tree there is usually someone who's experienced something similar so while at the same time you know we were very focused on me and my symptoms and in my bipolar II disorder um there are people in my family who were struggling and undiagnosed at that time which adds an added element you know to or genetics are just very powerful and they're not something to be um dismissed no question yeah especially with treatment too even you know I was diagnosed with major repressive disorder at nine and uh they were very interested to see the depression history in my family and what medications have been effective for family members because they wanted to start with those I'm all about genetics okay so at 22 you have this let's call it what it is this spiritual moment where you have this overwhelming feeling of things need to change you take action right away you're no longer the 16 year olds being told they need to change your in an aspiring adult who is taking over their life that all sounds really good did everything just was everything just fabulous from there on out it has never been easier again no all right darn it shoot I thought you're gonna have the answer I am like I don't I mean you know me personally like for the audience I I can't BS you know I like Eyes Wide Open right so when I tell you for me it was difficult that is in no way shape or form I don't want people to feel like it's daunting I just want to be honest about that daunting though it is it okay it is a little daunting you know to me that sounds daunting it was daunting but what happens is like you lose your substances and you don't quite know how to cover or work with your emotions so it's like you know for me I remember not being able to put a name tag on a Feeling in what I mean by that was I was in I had a lot of anger a lot of anger that was pushed down substances I think you know helped suppress that and that has to have some place to go or get addressed when you take your medication you know yourself medication away so for me my early sobriety was both empowering because I felt like I had a sense of agency and I was accumulating more days without picking up a drink and that was fantastic but at the same time I've never wanted to commit more felonies than in early sobriety wow because it was like you know you're not I wasn't equipped so if everything for me is associated with you know anger or just you know kind of a bad attitude or aggressiveness um that was because I had no concept how to deal with it I remember I was in an outpatient treatment after doing or an Aftercare I did outpatient while I was working full-time when I was 22 so that was like six weeks of going to this place for hours at night yeah after a full day of work and then you do this Aftercare and by the time I got to aftercare and I was probably four or five months without a drink um there was a joke amongst the class that like you know you're liable to you know get Jackie or someone was gonna go Jackie on you it had turned like an adjective like you know the the class was well aware of so it wasn't until like kind of cleaning some of the gunk out that everything I responded every emotion I didn't know what it felt like to feel disappointed I couldn't identify what felt shameful I couldn't identify what felt good and empowering I just couldn't identify um disappointment you know there was there were lots of emotions that just didn't have any sort of place or identity and I remember specifically I was dating a guy it was really crazy about we'd broken up he was you know seeing some other girl at the time I was just like totally devastated I was so sad about this especially because I initiated it so I thought you know this is this is what you did this was your problem totally and I remember I was out with friends and I was just you know I can't believe in her this and blah blah and I got done and one of them just looked at me and he was sipping on a Diet Coke and he said so you're sad um and I'm like in my mind I'm thinking sad where you just were you absent for my tirade I'm quite angry and he said no you sound like you feel sad and rejected um and I went oh it's nice to have friends who can reflect back like that I mean godsends really I mean you talk about that moment happened decades ago I was at Daisy Thai at 900 North Michigan I remember the table I was sitting in like if I get really good advice to me it's like the moment where I'll remember where I was what I was wearing who I was sitting with and in that really struck me I was like well and and maybe it is good advice it's it's also being seen you know being being seen for the truth and you can be angry and sad you know those often will occur um did you ever relapse I've never had my drink since well I've not had a drink since August 18th of 2003. wow congratulations how does that feel you know it it feels good it's something that I tell people you know at the end of the day if it were so great I would start you know if it were so awful I should say if not drinking was unbearable you can always go back but for some reason I have chosen not to because I find that my life is more bearable once I eliminated it is it easier now to not drink than it was 10 years ago I I think I'm very lucky everyone's experiences are different I mean I I I had gotten sort of the desire more or less I think lifted which is otherworldly because that's really not how it was for a long time obviously the desire was there and kind of in control and I had that very spiritual kind of spooky to me moment to be honest and I think that scared the living crap out of me like to this day I believe what I felt that day to be true and there is like no greater motivator to me than fear I'm motivated by fear and I am terrified of what's going to happen to me if I if I embrace alcohol again you know we've we've talked I want to touch back on bipolar II as you are entering sobriety did your symptom did your symptoms of bipolar II disorder become more uh uh blatant I think they were just so much more noticeable noticeable because I couldn't attribute them to anything right that's what I would think yeah like if I'm hungover as hell on a Sunday and I'm feeling depressed it's only because I have the Sunday scaries it couldn't have anything to do with my need to want to be inebriated or or whatever you know um however I was feeling it that time yeah so um that was definitely something that um uh I felt now I I've I've shared not that these are apples to apples but for a long time my my own process of accepting myself as a gay man yeah uh you know that was years and years and years and I was going through it and I don't even know I was going through it until I go oh I've got some issues I need to address yeah did you have any because you mentioned this at the top of the interview now or even in your older age when you're in in the midst of your sobriety did you have any self-loathing because of your bipolar 2 diagnosis it was the most loath something about me so you really carry that like oh I just hate that I mean I carried it to the point where I would have other people diagnosed with much more severe you know say it crosses to bear when it came to their mental health I basically had them looking at me like well sack up yeah so you got a little bipolar too come on right yeah right and you know and it was kind of like you know and also too a lot of this is in my head it's my insecurity you know and I find a lot is in presentation in how you present something so early sobriety I didn't want anyone to know that I was a recovering alcoholic so you're sober but you don't want people to know you're recovering alcoholic no I mean they can figure if they can do objective reasoning like a drink I don't drink I was really wild now I'm quite boring social life you know like you can do the I I I look I I can't imagine you ever being boring but I could continue yeah uh maybe not boring but not fun to be around um but you know it's um I was very ashamed of my alcoholism just like I was ashamed of having bipolar II disorder I thought it made me ugly unwanted so I wouldn't offer that up now I would tell obviously I wasn't drinking I worked in sales in media sales so I'm around alcohol all day every day and um it's a big part of my job so people knew I didn't drink but that's kind of where it started and stopped for all they knew I could have had celiac disease lots of people don't drink and you know for any other reason yeah I mean but at the same time too and you know I never met many people that didn't drink you know at all like that was odd and I was it was an oddity at 22 and in my younger years it was difficult because I was young and I was in my 20s and I wanted to go out like everyone else did and I was living in Chicago and it was just an awesome City and I had a great job and and you're there but you're also just inundated still you know with with alcohol but at a very young age people in my in it the place I worked knew I had quit I didn't receive a lot of pressure at all by and large people were quite respectful all um but it was an oddity I mean I I would have been lying I was the only person at events not drinking yeah club soda and lime with a straw today I I not to speak for you but you seem to have accepted these two facets of your life uh the case in point we're literally talking about it to one and a half million subscribers yeah no Biggs so I assume there's some acceptance here how did you reach that acceptance this is gonna sound kind of whack I've never heard it oh okay this it might even sound arrogant I don't really care because this is just gonna answer your question I think I really accepted my bipolar 2 disorder when I realized there are plenty of people with no disorders who are just crappy people [Laughter] there however you cake and and you are right you know there are there Dr Ramen has told me she goes look there is not a diagnosis for being a jerk okay like some people are just jerks and yes it doesn't have to be in the DSM for us to know no and furthermore from that it's really easy not to carry a stigma if you choose never to get diagnosed I would say that too you know that's one of those things to me where there there are plenty of people with mental illness that won't diagnose it don't diagnose it so they're running around without the stigma but that's just because they're they're not getting diagnosed they're not dealing with it yeah and and I guess there is there is truth to that I I'll also encounter that diagnosis the the med Circle doctors have really influenced my perception of diagnosis I used to be so uh I wanted to know the diagnosis and when we when I would interview the med Circle doctors I was like yeah but what is the criteria for the diagnosis how do we reach diagnostic criteria for this and this and this and this I wanted to know and there is importance to that because diagnosis informs treatment and treatment is how we take the next steps but you have to get the correct diagnosis for that but on the to take it one step further at the end of the day whether you got seven of the nine symptoms or five of the six symptoms we're really just dealing with symptoms yes yes and all of us deal with symptoms yes some of us have created those symptoms and we have enough and it reaches some diagnos diagnostic criteria in a book that a whole bunch of you know older white men uh created many you know long ago so yeah okay great but we're all dealing with symptoms we're all dealing with symptoms and when we look at the mental health Our lives our emotions ourselves as these collection of symptoms to me that starts to destigmatize it because I can I can say Jackie's living with bipolar disorder and you know I'm living with being sad a little bit and I'm living with being happy sometimes and I'm living like we all are living with a collection of symptoms and something to um part of a motivator for me to stay on top of my own Mental Health and I've I've lost a lot of friends to suicide to me not I think it's an understatement to say it happens too much but after I lost my last friend a few years ago is when I had I had developed I think a righteous anger that's such wonderful people were dying it's such a clip in worse than them dying they they thought the world would be a better place and and they did it themselves and to me after we lost our last friend in something kind of snapped in me where I said you know what um I don't know if sharing my story would have helped any of my friends who who've died I I don't but I have to imagine that even if you thought there was a fractional percent of a chance that it could you want to do it to honor them um I'm haunted by a text that I keep on my phone from one of my childhood friends um who who uh out of respect I'll say she passed younger and it was um at her own hands and I'll never forget it was two months before she died and she sent me a text and I was speaking about my bipolar 2 disorder a long time ago and um she heard the story and she sent me a text Kyle and she said you know I'm so proud that you're doing this it was so wonderful to see you speak about it I've never shared this with anyone in my life but I was also diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and it made me feel dirty and ashamed and I've not shared it with anyone but you um and from that day forward I'm I'm a changed woman when it comes to being more open and honest because I have to imagine this particular friend or myself um we're able to connect with other people you know we could look at as maybe like a role model or like a mentor if it was talked about more I I do think maybe hey there was a shot she might be alive I don't know that but I'm I'm tired of losing good people to the diseases of mental health and substances yeah yeah and you're not alone with that tiredness no um and I think in what you're doing and not just in an interview but what you're doing with Med Circle what you do outside of Med Circle I think is is really helpful with that so I I applaud you Jackie and thank you for your honesty and transparency today and all days I really value and appreciate that some more than others no I always I always appreciate honesty uh so you end your podcast episodes by asking your guests what's one piece of advice that they could uh share with the audience that would help them I will float your very own question right back to you to wrap up this episode If You're Going Through Hell keep going this too shall pass in a similar vein and the reason I give those is my most sincere heartfelt suggestion to anyone who is struggling right now is because I remember when I was struggling you know it is all you can do to like we said earlier keep the bus moving and the reason I think it's so important to just try to keep going is because circumstances change nothing's static and if you can just you don't even have to do it gracefully or well but if you're feeling like you're losing hope grab onto something you're going through hell please just keep going because I guarantee you if you do keep going there is the ability to come out onto the other side you don't have to revisit um the same awful dark place that you were at and and you will be able to get more perspective in hindsight but there is no again in the spirit of you know no BS sometimes it is white knuckling it just to get to the next day especially if you're suicidal you know you you're working extra hard to stay here and keep it alive in in it it's that serious so uh I would just say please by the grace of God TR try to just keep going and and give yourself the opportunity to get to a better place if you can yeah and you can uh Jackie thank you I really appreciate that we are going to link to some very beneficial resources in the description of this video including Med circles Suicide Prevention resources and of course you can go to medcircle.com and look at our membership offerings they are a great companion to whatever your mental health care journey is uh you can also download the med Circle app for free and visit watch.medcircle.com to see our entire video library and backlog of live workshops featuring psychologists and psychiatrists from Med Circle Jackie thank you again appreciate you hello I'm Kyle Kittleson your guest host for the day remember whatever you're going through you got this

Channel: MedCircle

Views: 33,207

Keywords: anxiety, bipolar, bipolar 2, bipolar 2 disorder, bipolar depression, bipolar depression disorder, bipolar depression symptoms, bipolar disorder, bipolar disorder symptoms, bipolar disorder vs depression, bipolar ii disorder, depression, jackie colbeth, major depression, medcircle, mental health, mental health awareness, mental health channel, mental health education, mental illness, psychology, symptoms of bipolar disorder, what is bipolar, what is bipolar disorder

Id: JOtYBNym0Ek

Length: 61min 48sec (3708 seconds)

Published: Mon May 15 2023