We did just beat Meryl
at an acting contest. Yes, you did. Just saying. Just saying. That's what just happened. Right? Yeah. You don't remember that? Yeah, yeah, I got it. All right. You know, I was, um-- [LAUGHTER] When oatmeal begins to thicken-- [LAUGHTER] You're so good at any dialect. I mean, you know, in
Sophie's Choice and-- you just are so right on. I'm not, really. Oh, no, you are. I have to-- no, I'm not. Yes. [LAUGHTER] I have to work at it. You know, I have to listen
to the specific thing. Yeah. I'm not like Tracey Ullman. She can really do
anybody right like that. I think you're I think
you're pretty close to that. But what I thought
we'd do, because that's sort of what I'm known
for also is my dialects-- Ah. So-- [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] So here we go. If you'll put this hat on-- and there's Velcro
on the front of it. And so what we'll do is-- (ACCENTED) Well, my
head must be too big. It's probably the bun behind-- OK. There, that's
perfect right there. OK. All right. So who's going to start? Meryl, why don't you start? You pick one up and put it-- OK. Don't cheat. Don't-- Oh, look what
you're doing already. So you pick it up. Oh. There. Oh, OK. And then stick
that in the front-- And then I put it here? --so you don't
know what that is. Stick it? There. OK. And I have to tell you. So, oh, my cherie, you don't
know what you are being. French. See there? There. [APPLAUSE] Wait. That was so good. And the I do it? Uh, [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [LAUGHS] Yiddish. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] Oh, don't look at it. I didn't look. Don't look at it. I didn't see a thing. All right. All right. Oh, well. Hey, yous guys, what you doing
with the fish over there? Get it to the market right away. If I'm not-- you're gettin'-- Brooklyn? No. Ooh, I love my clam
chowder so much. Oh, Boston. Yeah. [APPLAUSE] Wow. You're good. Thanks. Yo, I'm trying to
tell you something. [LAUGHTER] I want you-- oh,
man, I can't do that. I haven't where I-- you know, I was, um-- [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] Are you-- are you
being a rapper? 50 Cent. [LAUGHTER] You know, think uptown,
way, way uptown. Brooklyn. No. Bronx. Brooklyn? [APPLAUSE] Oh, jolly ho. My tally ho. I love crumpets and some tea. Uh-- chicken. Why did I say chicken? [LAUGHTER] I think it might be English. It is. I was thinking-- chicken? Oh. Out and about. Out and about? "Ote." I went "ote and abote." Out and about. And everything else
just like this. Oh, Canadian. Yeah. [LAUGHS] Ahoy, my mate, down under. I'm going to the barbie. Oh. [LAUGHTER] That would be-- Come on. Poor Australia. Yeah. Yeah. All right. You've kissed a lot of
actors over the years, and we want to see how well you
would recognize just the lips. OK. Just the lips. All right, let's see
the first set of lips. I have no idea who that is. Is that George Clooney? I never kissed him. No. Maybe you have. No, it's Alec Baldwin. That's not Alec Baldwin. Oh, that's-- I don't know what you're
looking at when you're kissing, but you're-- [LAUGHS] All right, let's see
the next set of lips. Oh, that's Clint. That's Clint Eastwood. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. [APPLAUSE] All right. [SIGHS] It's easy because I'm
looking at the name, but it is kind of hard
when you look at that. Oh. I just have no idea. You did Death
Becomes Her with him. Oh, that's Bruce. That's Bruce Willis. Yeah. Yeah. Right. All right. I don't think I
kissed him, though. You didn't kiss him? I didn't kiss him. Well, he said you did. [LAUGHTER] All right, next set of lips. [LAUGHTER] That's Emma. Emma Thompson in
Angels in America. Yeah. Yup. [APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER] All right, next set of lips. You kissed a lot of people. That looks like Newt Gingrich. Did you kiss him? Often. No, no, no, no. Again, it's complicated. Oh, it's-- oh,
it's-- that's Steve. Yeah, Steve Martin. But it looks like Al-- oh, OK. I thought it was Albert Brooks. It looks a lot
like Albert Brooks. It does look like Albert Brooks. Well, let's see the next ones. That's Albert Brooks. That's Albert Brooks. Yeah, Defending Your Life,
oh, that was a great movie. And let's see the
next set of lips. Huh. Ah. Oh. That looks like--
that looks like-- I don't know. How many women have you kissed? I mean-- [LAUGHTER] --that's the second
set of lips of a woman. And now how many-- Is that a woman? Yes, that's a woman. OK. I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember how many women. [LAUGHTER] It's Sandra Bullock. Oh, yeah. Right. Yes. OK. At the Critics' Choice Awards. That's right. That's right. Yeah. That's right. All right. [LAUGHS] The Iron Lady-- yeah. You don't remember that? Yeah, yeah, I got it. Yeah. All right. And if you look at your
roles across all the films that you've done, you're funny,
you're sexy, you're dramatic, you can-- you're drunk, you're everything. I'm boring. You're not boring. You're never boring. So I thought I would prove
it to everyone in case anyone questioned me on that. This is an oatmeal recipe, and
I would like you to read it. But I would like
you to read it sexy. (BREATHY) In a small saucepan,
bring 2 cups of water to a boil. Over medium high
heat, stir in oats. When oatmeal begins to thicken-- [LAUGHTER] --reduce heat and simmer,
stirring occasionally for 30 minutes. 30 minutes? [LAUGHTER] Faster than at my house. [LAUGHTER] All right. This is a traffic
report, but you're going to read it as a woman in labor. Oh, my god. That's right. OK. A track report. Traffic. OK. But you're in labor. [BREATHES HEAVILY] Let's take
a look at your Tuesday drive. [BREATHES RAPIDLY] Heavy backup. Heavy backup as usual on
the [SCREAMS] I-10 and the, oh, my god, the
710 into downtown. OK. [BREATHES RAPIDLY] Got
a jackknifed big rig in the two lane. 101 westbound at Balboa. [SCREAMS] [APPLAUSE] [GROANS] I wouldn't consider getting
through there anytime soon. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] One last one. One last one. This is Wikipedia,
but you're reading it as an annoyed teenager. You've had one of those. How can I pull that up? Ugh. The first recorded
instance of sandpaper was in the 13th century, Mother,
when crushed shells, seeds, and sand were bonded to
parchment using natural gum. OK? [LAUGHTER] Come on. Just act it out. I'm guessing. Come on, be excited. Shaving. Yes. Oh, boy. Yes. [LAUGHS] Wow. Catwalk. Vogue. Yeah, that's it. You have it. [LAUGHTER] Underwater. Yeah. Swimming. Scuba dive. Kind of. That's right. [LAUGHTER] Jumping Jacks. Cheerleader. Oh. Mime. Oh. Yes. [LAUGHTER] Are you a Sumo wrestler? Yes! Yes. OK. [TIMER TICKING] Lipstick. Putting on-- put on-- putting on makeup? The whole thing. Yeah. Don't be so discouraged. [LAUGHTER] Roller coaster. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] That's it. That's it. Well, we did pretty good. Wait, wait, wait. We did just beat Meryl
at an acting contest. Didn't we? Just saying. Just saying. Yes, you did. That's what just happened. Right? Yeah. You just beat Meryl. OK. I count down. Because you're both
brilliant actors, thespians, I would like to challenge you. You mentioned
Forrest Gump, and I have a quote from Forrest
Gump here that this will be if it were you in this role. So you can either play it the
way you would have done it or exactly as he
did it, your choice. Oh, wow. And then I am going to give
Tom the same challenge. So your choice-- do
you want to do it your way or the way he did it? My mama always said, life
was like a box of chocolates. You never know what
you're gonna get. That was excellent. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] No, that was good. All right. All right. Devil Wears Prada. You got to top that. [LAUGHTER] All right. I'm just gonna-- I'm just gonna take the shot. Take the shot. Get out the guest list. We need to start working
on the seating chart. [LAUGHS] Oh, by all means, move
at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me. That is my take. That's all. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] This is Toy Story, so you
will wear a prop for this. Ah. Oh, dear. It just goes on and on. You are a toy! You aren't the real
Buzz Lightyear! You're a-- you're
an action figure! You are a child's plaything! I've had no-- with
my eyes closed, that was-- that was
exactly what it is. Yeah. We closed our eyes. All right. Oh, Jeez. [LAUGHS] All right. Iron Lady. Wow. All right. Oh, here we go. Man, oh, man. Oh, that's fantastic. All right. Bear with me, now. That's the real one. Bear with me now. Yeah. It's the wig you used. This is the real one? It's the real one. That's the one. Roy did a hell of a job. [LAUGHTER] This is all looking
right into the camera. [LAUGHTER] With all due
respect, sir, I have done battle every
single day of my life. And many men have
underestimated me before. This lot seemed
bound to do the same. But they will rue the day. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] Hold. Hold. Hold. All right. We have to do a break
and I have a surprise. Can I keep this? Yes, you can. And you can keep this. We'll be right back. Thank you. [THEME MUSIC]
