Best Methods to Build Rapport - Anthony Robbins

our next subject is rapport in your notes anywhere you want there's no place for just right rapport is power rapport is power earlier today we said anything you want to achieve anything you want to learn master experience there's somebody out there who has a life experience the understanding the network the capital the thing you need to be able to achieve it but they're not going to give you what they want or they don't give you what you want rather a need until you first give them what they want need and you're not even going to find out what they want need until you first get in a relationship of rapport if you don't do that you're never gonna learn anything report our what is a relationship of rapport rapport means total responsiveness between people when someone is totally responding to you and you're totally responding that you're in rapport there's that connection it's that spark that happens in certain communications or relationships now everybody wants to create rapport have it but most people only get rapport with people who are like whom themselves and they lose with everybody else which means you've got a very limited world so we want to take it to a different level so let's say for example if I said to you right now guys I want you to go out to a local restaurant or bar and I want you to meet somebody and I want you to develop rapport with them a connection with them how many feel like you do that no problem say I am and if you're not raising your hand you're probably selling yourself short of course you could how would you do it though you walk in this restaurant a bar you meet somebody and you engage them in conversation by asking a few what questions now is it possible to ask a few questions and have the conversation go boom just die is that possible yes or no so questions don't create rapport questions or a tool use to dig for something what are you digging for we ask these questions you're trying to find something in what that's right so write your notes rapport is created by a feeling of commonality rapport is created by a feeling of commonality rapport is created by a feeling of commonality we people we feel like we have something in common with someone there's a spark now here's the problem if a porous created by feeling of commonality most people try to get rapport by using words but you've already learned something what percentage of our communication skills are words what percentage seven percent which means you're leaving out ninety-three percent of your skills which is why most people don't get rapport with a large number of people yeah we need you to walk on a restaurant a bar and go hi what's your name where are you from why are you here and person says my name is Abbey I'm from Iraq I'm a terrorist I'm here to kill people and you go amazing me too now see words don't always work do they but there is something that always works to get rapport and that's something called matching and mirroring matching and mirroring now matching and mirroring came about 35 years ago when it's we've all done matching marring our whole lives but the person who pointed out was Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was a genius what he did was he was a medical doctor but he also was a psychologist and a hypnotherapist probably the best that ever lived and people would come to see him who try to change everything anywhere else in their life nothing at work they see him for one session he'd handle it and the reason is because he understood something he understood that you have both a conscious mind and a subconscious mind and he knew the subconscious is more powerful it's part that makes your heart beat a hundred thousand times a day without ever think about so he knew if he could influence your subconscious mind he could change anything and that's what he did but here's how he did it he had polio so he was in a wheelchair so he spent an enormous amount of time studying people and he began to notice something about human beings that when human beings got together if they got in rapport a relationship of responsiveness they became like each other in a variety of ways what he called they mirrored each other now I've taught this for 25 years I'm sure you've heard of it I've written to my books and it's been taught in a variety of other areas now but it's one thing to know it intellectually or to understand it's another thing to know we're doing it that's what I want to get you to do tonight so you have a real experience of it that you won't forget but here's the basis of it people like people who are like whom themselves and people don't like people who are not like themselves to be more specific rightness now people like people who are like themselves or who are like how they would like to be people like people who are like themselves or are how they would like to be people like people are like themselves or how they would like to be so question I'd like you to think of someone you really really like a lot and then if you would raise your hand if this person is either like you or they're like how you want to be if that's true is your hand say I of course that's why I like them now think of someone you don't like I'm sure you like everyone but if you once were a nun spiritual person and felt these feelings some of you don't like raise your hand if they're not like you or they're not like how you want to be if that's true raise your hand say aye and that's the opposite people don't like people who are not like them or are not like how they want to be that's the bottom line of it so this concept Erikson noticed he used it in the following way watch me if you came to see dr. Erikson instead of talking to you intellectually and trying to get through to you he'd go right for the jugular by getting your nervous system connected to him getting rapport so if you came to him and you said dr. Erikson I don't know this is a waste of time I've I've tried everything and I don't know I think I should just go he would do this he'd go I'm sure it looks that way on the surface but you haven't tried this so you haven't tried everything and I think you should stay the person go Oh something about this guy I like you no he's not over the top you know I mean he's like really real there's just something about him that feels down-home and real to me right if you came to see him as a dr. Erickson I've tried everything is a waste of my time I'm out of here he'd say you sit out you haven't tried everything you've not done this before you're staying right here okay goes hey I like this guy's got some spunk kick ass maybe he could do something see he became like the people who's communicating with and what it was is whatever they put out he sent the same message back like biofeedback and then train them to him so that when he didn't told their unconscious what to do their brain just did it that was his power now we all do this naturally if you want to some fun gone tonight to a singles bar and watch people when they first meet and then you can see when they're before happens if they finally sit down and they'll start to lean in the same direction will start nodding your head at the same tempo if one's tapping their foot often you'll see anyone tap their foot the volume and tone of their voice will start to mirror if they're on app or if they're out a report you'll see them interact opposites of this nature now if you want to be effective then mirroring is so easy we do it naturally but here's the problem most people wait till they have enough words in common then they put the voice in common in the body in common but words only 7% they don't work all the time and by the way do we judge people in a matter of seconds by their style yes or no that's right write this in your notes style is more important in substance initially style is more important in substance initially that sounds terrible but it's true style is more important than substance initially now I notice I say initially and you don't have any substance it's not going to last but you can have lots of substance and no style and people never hear a word you say no one will ever get to know what you believe I give you an example how many of ever dealt with somebody whose tone of voice alone drove you up a wall and you couldn't listen to anything they said they like dinners drill tonality how many pivot something like that say I okay so that style gets in the way of substance now let's give an example let's say you and I want a mirror something we want someone to feel connected to us and we're going to do it on the phone what are some aspects of the voice that you can mirror that would them unconsciously immediately feel connected to you what are some aspects you tell me okay tone of voice we just said is a perfect one because if you're talking like this they're talking like this and I said well I don't know what do you think you're not going to feel very comfortable through time tone of voice is huge if you mirror someone's tone of voice they will feel connected to you not even know why what else besides tone of voice could you mirror on the phone okay temple what kind of person talks is this pretty complaints like I'm talking right now what kind of people talking this particular place what part of the country tends to talk at this pace come on where where part of the country where and near could be good one New York would be a good example how do people talk more like bliss feel about those fast talking city slickers do they trust them no they don't he know how to say the word dog how does a fast talking person feel about slow talking first what do you Mary Mary we think Mary want to think Mary what a date Mary goes Wow well watch and we've ever seen this mismatch between two people right what else besides speed volume loud talking people who do they like they love loud talking people they know you're a real man you're a real woman too who else likes loud talking people deaf people like loud talking people but how to quiet talking people feel about those loud talking people they're obnoxious aren't they and of course intelligent people talk like you and I do don't they do we judge people in a matter of seconds by their volume by by their tone by their tempo yes or no you better believe we do what else could you mirror on the phone terminology key words there's certain words people use again and again if you sell real estate and somebody comes in and says I'm looking for a magnificent home do you want to say oh I have a fantastic place to show you know I have this experience myself once and so I'm looking for no no I got a fantastic place fantastic and magnificent maybe the same to you but I guarantee the arm for the other person if you mirror their words they will feel heard they will feel understood and they will also feel you're as smart as they are what else besides words tone tempo volume accent well only if you really have that accent because you trying to duplicate it it's not really your accent you're going to break rapport right what about the body what could you mirror in the body if you were there in person what could you mirror posture is very powerful they're really upright your upright they're more relaxed you're more relaxed what else gestures watch this if somebody's talking and people are funny when they're making important points people have idiosyncratic gestures idiosyncratic mean gestures that are all their own so if you're talking this guy he said I don't think so I think we ought to do this and he makes this funny little gesture when he's talking about what he really wants to do if you turn back to him and say you know that's a great idea can I ask you a question though what if we do this instead you make that same little motion with your hand and look at him you'd be like a friend you think I'm kidding you go out tonight at dinner and you find somebody who's on an angle to you or in front of you don't even look at him just mirror them for 5 to 10 minutes they reach for the glass reach for the glass glass is empty no one's going to notice just reach for the glass they bring it up they bring it down bring it down they reach the fork reach to the fork 5 to 10 minutes 5 minutes usually 10 minutes max after you notice for 5-10 minutes you'll have some fun reach for your glass and watch what they do they'll reach for it like that it's called pacing and leading it's also known as entrainment many of you know that if you go to an old clock shop where they have those old grandfather clocks so they have the little pendulum that once they want in those pendulums start out different and they all end up in sync called entrainment women know this but most men don't so I'll just share this with you women have the ability to be like clocks with other women when women hang out together men they literally end up having their periods at the same time so that all the men are crazy during that time is it true ladies yes or no if they are poor their periods become in st. so women's periods can come in sync you could get rapport with a stranger across the room and all you got to do is mirror them for five or ten minutes and make a change right and it'll make it happen all right how many follow so what else besides posture could you mirror in the body what else gestures we already said what else facial expression most of us if someone's telling you a story and they're like really into their story and they're making these faces do you sit and look at them like this no you look back and make the same stupid look back look what about I contact a lot of business people and sales people on top a total lie they've been taught like if you're really truly going to influence someone you must look directly into their eyes and not break eye contact for 45 straight minutes this way they know you really mean it there's only one problem with that problem is people like people who are like whom themselves so if you've got somebody just stares in your eyes and doesn't blink for 45 straight but it's gonna freak you out what kind of person steers your eyes and doesn't break eye contact aliens that's who most humans look away right so if they look away give them a break and look away don't make them crazy now if you meet somebody who like locks eyes with you and doesn't break eye contact you lock eyes right back you keep monitor for 45 minutes they'll know you're an alien too it'll build rapport what else what else besides eye contact facial expressions gestures posture come on what else breathing breathing is very powerful one of the most powerful if you breathe it the exact same pace as another person you will feel what they are feeling period but you got to be for the same location the same tempo and breathing as magnificent because it really hooks you to this person how many of you can think of a time in your life when you were breathing at the same pace as another person and you felt really close for some reason anybody think of a time like that and see I used to do a lot of sexual therapy for couples and when you help people in this area you get a practice because people pay anything they'll fly anywhere to get this part of their life handled so I end up with a six-month waiting list no exaggeration I mean every single day booked and people be calling me based on referrals because I help their friends and I'd be like I gotta see it got to go see you now and I'm like I got a six-month waiting list no no god I'll pay for your lunch time I'll buy your dinner look I really how about I refer you to somebody I've trained it lots of people I find no it's gotta be you so here's how I would deal with it I would say okay I will give you one of my lunches if you take an assignment I give me but first you got to answer some questions honestly here's the first question when you make love do you breathe in unison while you're making love and antara bleah the guy will go huh can I say let me explain you're here telling me about all these things you're upset with each other about and you talk about these things too you're blue in the face but the real problem is you don't feel connected you don't feel well and I said you don't have that feeling of total oneness with each other until I get more about this not going to change it so if you really want to change this I suggest you do this and if you do what I'm telling you still need me I'll give you one of my lunches so I want yours I want you to I want you to go home and I want you to go up for an hour and a half minimum and while you're doing it I want you to breathe in unison the entire time with each other because what happens is you feel totally connected as one out of who knows three four dozen people I asked to do that only one person ever called us back and wanted to be able to do session because the bond is there so try it not now later this evening plus the great thing about mirroring somebody's breathing it's very subtle no one's going to jump on their chair and say would you stop marrying my breathing and they're not going to notice so you got breathing you got posture you got gestures you got facial expressions you got eye contact what else could you mirror come on use your brain I know the answer I want to see if you come up with it come on what else could you mirror proximity good what does proximity mean proximity means everybody has a certain amount of space that they need to be comfortable and it's different for every single person you're going to meet in your life so if I come walking up here like this and I start walking let's say along err and I walk up to this lady here she's comfortable right now if I come here I'm right on the edge of her comfort zone am i right she you can see it in her face how do I know because the muscles are neck went ain't face my aunt it all tighten and she stopped breathing that's a clue now that doesn't mean she doesn't want you to come closer but that's the first moment of her starting to feel impact and I come right back to here there we go now she's breathing again how many can see the difference could you see it you can see all of a sudden but she's reading it so this is more comfort what's the difference here versus here how many had somebody do this when they get this close to your face and you just want to punch them how many have this experience and they almost always have bad breath too don't they so in some of the and are there people like that to get this most in your face yes or no now if you pull back though you just broke rapport because that's what they need to feel good so you got to like hang in there with those people so it's different for every person that you meet so how do you know do you just guess no you use your sensory what acuity you have acute sensitivity see what's the impact on getting here is it's working oh I can come closer or not where is it and it can change too so I'm going have initial reaction then they let you closer but you pay attention because if you don't do this breaking rapport in this area people don't even think when you're in their space and everybody's got different space who here freaks out when somebody gets too close there are some people I'm sure in this room that are total freak outs about this you ma'am and the black what's your name Lisa watch come down come on give her hand come on give her hand Lisa come on down here come on in it run down here Lisa run down here run down here and down here oh it's your face oh there we go it's the face see she's one of body-block me did you notice that he goes boom we can hit bodies that's okay but the face watch what happens you be get in the face so you enjoying the seminar what's been your favorite part not this part where you going now notice when you get too close to her face did you see how many saw that instant reaction okay she not only pulls back she snaps to the side because some people most people have like a force field who have this experience hers is more just the face and you got close closer to her chest or something like that they they'll do one of things so this kind of person backs off but most people are more subtle if you get too close here's what they do they start kind of you'll see them as her talk and eat and they're kind of wavering back and like the forth if you notice their ass is moving them further and further back from you right or they'll do this they'll turn sideways because what does that do to creates a sense of space okay so everyone's different now hers hers is not the body and she's kind of being playful now here with this as well but the face normally is something for her that's in effect now she's going on different she says okay I'm comfortable with you give her hand thank you very much now there's another one that's critically important that's touch now you can get more rapport by touching some people than by anything you could ever say but again you can have some sensory acuity you can't go up no he looks like a touch her hey man I love your hair love your hair really good that's really cool really good you do that you could get killed but he's a nice man so didn't kill me so we got to notice there's notice how the man shakes hands like he shakes hands he puts one hand top the other Genesis he reached over he just I shook his hand immediately brings the other hand on top like this and when he does it some people in shake your hand they like squeeze it see if they can break a few of your blood vessels you know just to show they're a real man other people they got that fish handshake and a but if they fish you you got to fish them back yeah here we go fish fish right because that builds rapport but in his case it's like boom boom alright you get more connection rapport with him with that touch than anything you could ever say thank you so notice how does a person touch somebody like even it's in business notice how the business woman or man touches their assistant in a non-sexual way and this notice if they come along and he comes my honey goes thanks a lot Tony and hits me like this three times on the shoulder and I come back and I say thank you John I'll get more rapport by that touch than by anything that I could say to him so touch and proximity are huge huge now you might say well this is interesting Tony but what are you suggesting are you saying something like okay they sit down I sit down you know off to mirror everything someone does that rapport it's not like they lift their leg you lift your leg they lean forward you lean forward they sit back they you sit back you don't have to do that although believe it or not you can do a lot people not even notice but for example you get rapport just with the leg position and maybe the tone of voice because physiology is 55 percent of communication if you're sitting there let's say let's say you cross your leg like this can I cross my leg like this while we're talking yes or no it'll feel comfortable to you so you start bouncing your foot like this back and forth can i bounce my foot same tempo if I do you'll feel totally connected to me we do it same tempo and by the way I could use for a while and then if I don't like it I can slow it down and you'll slow yours down that's pacing a leading again but if you do this if they cross their leg and now they go ahead and cross you don't uncross the moment then cross we can go to say something and say you know what because when you go to speak speaking requires a change of physiology and no will ever notice what you're doing all right very unique now it is true if you know they lean forward are you saying we'll drive a lean forward I leave more they lean back I lean back they cross the leg I cross Mike they pick their nose I pick my nose exactly no you don't have to do everything and if you start going like this when they're mirroring you start going after about 20 minutes ago what's wrong with you but you'd be surprised you can mirror people and be mirroring almost everything they're doing and they rarely have ever noticed it right

Channel: Ahmed Ali

Views: 1,806,899

Rating: 4.8545041 out of 5

Keywords: rapport, Tony Robbins, NLP

Id: dENi7K2lX4U

Length: 23min 44sec (1424 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 28 2013

Reddit Comments

[u/Hoooochie]

This was interesting. Thank you