Being A Grandparent with Dr Ray Guarendi

it's the Kyle Hyman show onresume Iranian this is Kyle Hyman join us today to talk about being a grandparent in his book being a grandparent just like being a parent only different chef of that title dr. ray guarendi thanks for being here hey Kyle good to be with you on a scale of horrible to best grandpa in the world where do you find yourself depends who yeah you asked me on a scale of one to ten on the twelve there you go you ask the people of my life on the bottom four so I don't know who's ranking you want to take maybe let's split the difference a little bit we'll call it an eight okay what's your favorite thing about being a grandparent I don't have to discipline them yeah I can handle back to their parents I can't hear ya go I can sit down and watch TV at eight o'clock at night and not worry about the bedtime bad times actually to tell you the truth my wife and I looked at this as we went through the face of parenthood that was our face uh-huh my youngest one is now 18 my oldest is 31 got a couple of grandkids scattered in there and all we do I'm gonna give a rule to grandparents I talked about this several places in a book there is a piece of advice given to others and mother-in-law's on their daughter or daughter laws wedding day to make it a successful wedding day and that piece of advice is sit up shut up and wear beige and I think that is great advice for grandparents I can't tell you how many of them have to chew the far end of their tongue off to keep their mouths shut with the way their kids are raising your grandkids whether it's in the faith or not in the faith whether it's letting them get away with murder whether it is they think they're too strict all kinds of opinion critiques perhaps sometimes subtle eye rolls come from grandparents and that is not a good thing in general if your kids want your advice here's what you do you hand a mashita paper that you had prepared by your attorney yeah giving you permission to open your mouth have them sign it make sure that it's notarized and then shut your mouth okay to be real careful you just truly do and wear beige and wear page and guys don't even know what beige is women do women the difference between eggshell white and linen white and off-white nice right and beige is somewhere in the middle maybe I don't have any idea of my wife so she loved hey just wear that it's beige okay so it used to be white but I've worn it too long the way you're talking the way that you're talking about this is that grandparenting is very different from being a parent but in the title being a grandparent just like being a parent only different in what ways are they similar they're similar in the sense and then this is I think the upside for most grandparents generally you got more flexibility in your schedule you for the kids games you don't have to juggle the work schedule you're maybe not working anymore you have a little more flexible income which is dangerous because with that income you can overdo it which is not a good thing and often times that brings you into conflict with the parents now you are not in a role of disciplinarian that's probably the biggest thing you're not the one that sets the rules and risk the clashes and the first look can come with that your grandma your grandpa you can just spend the time you can enjoy one grandma told me it this way she said she used her grandsons visits and headlights and taillights headlights they're showing up this is great she loves that we have fun taillights good I'm exhausted they're going home so what should grandparents be looking out for as far as trying too hard or being too nice or being too involve what are some of the signs that maybe they're over doing it a little bit the key is Kyle in most situations most circumstances whether you agree or disagree with the parent it is their child they are raising their child as they see fit no matter how misguided how lakhs how permissive how strict how whatever you think it is now many grandparents will say to me yeah but there's a little religion they have no religion they've abandoned everything we've taught them I want the baby to be baptized I want to bring them Bible books they won't let me that's the key if the parent is sending you clear signals mom dad don't do that that's not where we are don't then you have no choice but to just let it rest you can't force it Kyle I'm going to tell you one of the more tragic situations Lao is where the grandparents are no longer allowed contact with the grandkids and most of the time I'll tell you most of the time that happens because the adult kids are upset at the grandparents for being cookie with their opinions so inclusive too much trying to guide it a certain way giving too many critiques maybe an eye roll and sometimes that can create real distance and you'll find yourself being shut out as a grandparent and you don't want to risk that you can never influence those kids if you don't have a relationship and you don't want to corrode that relationship I say it all the time you got to watch for that we're talking with dr. ray guarendi you can hear him here on Ridhima radio weekdays at 1 p.m. I'm talking about being a grandparent just like being a parent only different and what would be the role of a grandparent if it's not to be the disciplinarian and to set the rules and and influence their children on how they should be parents what is the role grandparents have going back to discipline for a bit Kyle hmm they have discipline leverage depending upon the situation let's say the grand parrot is asked okay is the baby sitting in grandparents house well if it's a grandparent calluses very legitimate to the other grandparents conditions now perhaps there is some respect given to the parents for example if the parents say we don't spank well okay then the grandparent won't spank even in her house but in terms of the corner or whatever the grandparent is going to do they have the right to have those conditions and if they can't have those conditions they really got to decide whether they can babysit if they're at the parents house and the parents are there then it's up to the parents to discipline and hopefully they will but if they don't the only thing the grandparent can really do it's in if the child is doing something to them you know if the kids being disrespectful to grandpa or the kid is throwing a fit on grandpa something along those lines then the grandparent can say okay I'm not this is what I'm going to do about this not going to allow this now where can the grandparents will be different I think the grandparents naturally have a more relaxed role they are able to put a little kid and take them to preschool on Sundays birthdays you know and they can drive this call together for a half an hour of talk there are real actual they have a role that can maybe give a little more goodies it's about a watch sometimes our phones get illa deals with how much the grandparents so much with the goodies yeah things I really really warn grandparents about if you look at the way your son or daughter is raising your grandkid or grandkid and you think they're too strict they're not letting them watch things that would be perfectly okay to watch they're not letting them have a video band that you see with that video game they don't you have to respect parents choices regarding material stuff and gifts you can't undercut the parrot you can't have the kid at your house think okay well we're going to watch this I think this is perfectly fine I know your mom does also but just keep this between you and I okay boy oh boy you lose you play something like that I've even advised parents not to let their kid go over or grandma's house unsupervised if they know that grandma or grandpa is going to undercut their panting I've even said well I put in a box you can't let such I'll go over there unsupervised go over there with them you can't let them stay overnight there you can't let them go pick it basically have made it clear delicious what if he bought him a video game I don't want it forth you are not obliged to accept any gift that you don't think is good for your kids Walter hmm you're not part of it is great parents are a little out of touch I know I am with the technology and with what's available and we tend to think things are a little more innocent than they are the culture is galloping ahead of us it morally in ways that maybe we don't quite crazy that there's no problem with give them a PD FERS bedroom I mean I watched Andy when I watch cartoons yeah but if you're not aware of the watch it is now on there especially with table channels then you're clueless so oftentimes what we grandparents think is harmless it's not we're some of the other issues or challenges that grandparents my face that you address in the book I talk about grandkids out of wedlock approximately 40% of kids are not born out of wedlock a pretty good chance when your bank is going to be born out of wedlock in the Millennial age age 18 to 34 more children are now born out of wedlock than are born in wedlock so well the grandparent may find herself himself in a position of trying to grandparent this child accept this job love this child in complicated circumstances and now always advise him your very very best to show love to that child as best you can and to show it love so the illegitimate parent if you will do you that because otherwise you're just going to create distance yeah but I don't want them to think I condone this I don't want they're living together you're living together and they're raising that child and I just thought like I can't go visit because I don't think I think it's perfectly fine no they know your opinion they know your morals they know how they were raised they don't break you stand because you're showing them love and care and concern when you're clapping your hands and saying oh goodie in wedlock out of wedlock no big difference to me celebrate you're not doing that and if they choose it that way well that's how they choose to interpret it yeah another situation Kyle is grandparents raising grandchildren and then has ever been that grandparents are stepping in and picking up the pieces and always tell grandparents if you're in a situation like that the first guideline is you are a parent first and then a grandparent now because you are in fact raising the child you have all all the leverage all of the supervision all of the conditions of a parent the hick yeah the fact that you're 67 years old doesn't matter you're that secure old mmm-hmm that's the way it is the book is really a combination Kyle of the upside and the challenging side of being a grandparent yeah where can we send people to get a copy of it and to follow what you're been up to my mother's basement there it's a million-seller there's a million in my mother cellar actually if you go to my website dr. a.com or my facebook page the books are all signed so any order any book you order through my website will be signed and there's a whole bunch of books that I think my grandpa's book is book number fourteen or something like that yeah I just discovered this the secret Kyle to writing a lot of books and that is you can't worry about them being very good no cuz that then slows you down your army you're not worried about quality it's probably gonna slow you down gotcha that's good good good tip what about granted yeah can you do the thing the same thing with parenting just go quantity rather than quality yeah yeah yeah if you're a ballplayer you're batting 300 you're Hall of Fame come on good good I like it all right well thank you so much again the book is called being a grandparent just like being a parent only different dr. ray guarendi thank you so much for being here today appreciate it Kyle thank you

Channel: Kyle Heimann Show

Views: 260

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: grandparent, parent, faith, advice

Id: l68IeFX3vkw

Length: 13min 39sec (819 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 21 2018