AY | Bro. Roland & Sis. Rachael Sealy | MARRIAGE | FRSDA CHURCH | SABBATH OCT 31st 2020 |Marriage|

[Music] bye [Music] do [Music] so [Music] do [Music] you [Music] so [Music] do [Music] so [Music] my [Music] do [Music] do [Music] so [Music] so [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] good afternoon everyone boys and girls ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the conversation continues now it's raining dogs and cats outside at the moment but we are inside dry and ready to bring you this program i don't know about you but this morning was really enlightening for me and the conversation is going to continue this afternoon i'm your host naja cooper and with me is my co-host and i'm carys phillip and it's a pleasure being here with you so we're happy that we can be here this afternoon and we're happy that you can join us we're here to discuss the top trending issues our conversation this afternoon will be centered on marriages man versus woman we will be looking mostly at the communication between husband and wives and their children the family unit is indeed an important institution to god and we know that anything that is important to god the devil tries to tear apart our families have been under attack and today we will look at ways to fight back in the book the adventist home it emphasizes that society is composed of families and is what the head of the families make it out of the heart of the issues of life and the heart of the community of the church and of the nation is the household the well-being of society the success of church the prosperity of the nation depends upon home influences so what we do at home affects the society and the nation at large it is therefore our duty to make sure our homes reflect the heavenly home so that we can have the right effect on society we do have an exciting program for you this evening and we have brother and sister celie joining us again they are here to continue the conversation with us brother and sister celie welcome to the program thank you so we looked at particular families but before we do anything what we want to do is bring the presence of god into this program so let us pray that we will mold our families into christ what christ would have it be amen let's bow our heads bear kind and merciful father we thank you for your blessings we thank you for bringing us here safely oh lord i pray that you'll send your holy angels around us and keep us safe i pray that you bless each and every family o lord from the crown up their head to the soul of their feet oh lord and i pray that they would learn something new and that they would be able to revive their family oh lord so i pray that you be with us and i pray that you'll help us to spread your gospel this is my prayer in jesus name amen so at this time we'll have our [Music] [Music] and [Music] [Music] gonna leave [Music] oh [Music] oh [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] in the light of god [Music] we are [Music] we are [Music] is [Music] [Music] [Music] amen amen wow what a wonderful song service i feel like i said sing but unfortunately we do have a program to get back to so charis did you see their program this morning i did i did and it was awesome it was awesome from looking at the the online they were really they really did enjoy it and they were really enlightened and i'm sure they're online this afternoon to see where are we gonna go with the discussion but of course we have two very special guests yes we do and um i must say that i enjoyed the program and i really did take notes i'm not married as yet but i took my notes you know i was prepared and ready so we're looking for a wedding shortly yeah so i was prepared i'll be prepared when that time comes um so yes we saw you this morning but tell us a little bit about yourselves okay um i will i will tell you a little bit about my wife um she her name is rachelle seeley and she is a mother of two two two young adults we have been married for 26 years and we are just interested she's so interested in saving marriages that she made that her life's career so she is a couples and family therapist in the area of well couples counseling and family therapy and that's her interest that's a focus that's a goal we very recently started a counseling and educational intervention service called pui and pui stands for positive outlook uplifting intervention so that service services the area of counseling family especially and educational services she loves her husband very much and she yeah amen and that's why i love him yes and and i think i would introduce roland since i'm in the presence of his best man the best man at all wedding 26 years ago i always remember him saying and that's your elder brian hutchinson he said when he was talking about roland is that you are marrying a gem of a person and 26 years after i can say that it is really so roland is a gem he's a rare find and i'm happy that he is mine amen and so he is the father as well of our two children he is an educator i unbiasedly say he is one of the the greats in the classroom his students love him i don't know if he taught you charis and he we both work at the university of the southern caribbean my full-time job is chaplin i'm there as a chaplain and as a counselor and he is a professor instructor at the university and so we are very thankful to be here because we really do care about marriages that's one of our um missions as well to restore marriages thank you very much i want you to pay close attention that neither of them spoke about themselves but each of them spoke about the other party and the husband started first so he set the tone and the y fold nicely so the conversation continues and we want to give online um those of you online a chance to be a part of it so what we're going to do is have you give your questions so to help us along today with the discussion we're going to be looking at a few videos and the uh first video we will play and then we will have a little discussion on it and you know we have this family and they are going to help us with it it's a family setting so we're going to take a look at that you online you can send in your questions and we will try to answer those questions [Music] brian yes girl time for worship boy are coming jordan [Music] i come in just now [Music] anaya yo it's time for worship come on look at my face yeah girl brian man boy let me go up it's time for worshipper calling you're still surrounded and papers what i tell you are coming didn't i tell you are coming i know but you're still sitting with them papers come on oh gosh all right all right all right hold on a little bit i'll come and i'll come in i wanna buy your children so one call and we talked about that last night you said i'm outside reading papers everything for you is our noise and noise everything i tell you i'm going to support everything is our noise but we talked about this last night b we say we're going and start by worship i need your support so you want everything to happen overnight carol yeah but you you went and buy the papers leave the papers there's no time to read papers it's time for watching paper paper you see what i'm talking about [Music] you know how long i call and i and jordan they ain't come yet so i guess you want me to go and call them all right yeah because they're not listening to me i call them already and they're not listening to one call your children nice way to start off with ship jordan yeah you need a motor carrier for worship yeah you know it's my case she will be on just snow get up and come forward for me please all right hey jordan no [Music] [Applause] [Music] kill some big that happened last night with his boy and some girl but here we are cuter anaya yes yes who yes daddy but you can look knock knock in my own house you're getting carried away your mother ain't calling for worship well i think so you think so so when you plan on coming when she plan on calling again anaya get inside photoshop for my piece all right all right yeah and then they will come and commit it late they have zoom class just now look at the time half an hour call them for worship everybody taking their cool time look the children of them come they leave those things in their bedroom jordan take off your headphone anaya put away your phone you all come to worship [Music] and i come off your phone and those two upset me wait just now your father and i decided last night okay it's a long time we didn't have worship but seeing that all that is going on in the world today it's a good thing to start back worship in the home okay we trying to rebuild the family altar would have been worship on our morning all right it's for the did they good at the family we did not agree on all this long talk you know the children come for worship we here for worship for god's sake that we started worship now all right so start us off now in prayer father bless his worship in jesus name amen lord have mercy you have a problem with the prayer too to me i think a lot of the people can definitely see themselves within this family but answer sicily what what what do you have to say on this video what do you think about this betrayal honestly we don't know where to start i was taking some notes kind of you know what was happening the dynamics in the family and it was clear that the father wasn't the head of that home even if it's just in the the area of worship calling worship you know it was clear that he wasn't um leading out there and as worship begins in the bible worship began from the call to worship and so how that is done is very important um the mother was just screaming it's time for worship yeah you know and and that could be that could be the call for worship is not an intrusion it's not a disturbance so that you feel invaded when called to worship when the children of israel were called to worship there was a there was a time period when they would know that the worship is just now so that that time had to be preparation for worship you know and well the show forward blue and so on but the call to worship is important and families have to to look at that don't let the call to wish them who should be an intrusion into the lives of your children or disturbance to what they're doing it becomes a turn off very from the very beginning i have some other things but i'll allow you to i just want to start by saying um that you said it was a typical family and i want to recognize that it's really not a typical family and you recognize that this family is intact there is a mother there is a father and there are children and that is not really typical today and so you must recognize the strength that this family has and that their both parents are present the second thing i noticed is that it was a revival they are calling once again for worship another strength you know they've recognized where they would have faltered where they would have and they took courage to have the discussion between the heads and to decide to call once again it does take courage to begin something once again we don't know where the family would have strayed in between what what father would have been doing what mother would have been doing what kind of life but it took courage and that needs to be applauded and the third thing i want to say about it is that um this is an experience that is painfully common you know we would want to sit and say okay well that's them but all of us who may have had teenage children at some time or i think would have walked this road and so there is a a thing that we could feel it it really it responds to us because we we have walked that road and so it's really something i think should be applauded and before we actually get into the worship dynamics and the spirituality we can see this is a family that is intact that they're trying to do something good and that i would want to highlight that in my comments i took i apologize for taking that um i'm jumping on the negative family right away but um i i i i mean i'm trying to look at his strengths okay so i was looking at some weaknesses and maybe if that's where you where you want us to go but but um i want to say as a disclaimer we are not sitting here fostering to be perfect and posturing as if these we what we're seeing as the ideal is what happens in our home we we are just as human as everyone else and faced with the same struggles and and but we have some approaches that we use and so that is what we are sharing this afternoon nice lovely lovely and the discussion is going fine we are giving you the opportunity to send in your questions so if you have questions please do send them in on the chat and i like the fact that you looked at the positive you looked at the breakdown and that shows that there is what you're supposed to have you know one has both of you can't be the same thing okay there must be definitely if both of us are the same one is unnecessary right exactly um but looking at the video and we're looking at um the worship and they are definitely calling trying to rebuild that family also which is important for families and for the family to be able to cohesively stay together and develop as a unit and one question i do have is how does worship contribute to a marriage and the family as a whole check my notes i took some yeah the home again as as rachel was saying you know recognizing that worship was important the heads did recognize that and but so sometimes the the breakdown comes when we forget the importance of worship to begin worship is a direct command from god and so when we conduct family worship we are actually sitting or standing in obedience to god you know and so it shows that obedience to god is supposed to begin and it it helps increase reverence you know it is the home is like not like it is a training ground for society and many times we would observe that the home is also training wrong for church and so when we come to gold in reverence at home it what you're doing is you are educating your children into the knowledge that when we come to god wherever we come to god in this corporate setting we must come to him in reference so those kinds of socialization and spiritual things happens in family worship i just i just wanted to add in terms of there may be persons looking on particularly within the seventh day adventist faith when we say worship there's a particular way that we do this you know and it may not be common to other christian denominations or it may not be common you know so when we talk about worship we are actually talking about gathering the family we're talking about prayer we do have a hymn book that we sing from that by the time you you reach a certain age you could probably um you know the songs by heart right and of course the father if the home is intact like that would be the one leading out would be the one doing the scripture reading and then there would be a blessing so when we say worship it's really that kind of um gathering we are talking about yes i think it also encourages peace in the home of course you did see that the devil once we tried to serve god the devil will intrude and we have found that every time we we become serious about leadership there is some calamity and i talk about calamity almost as if an earthquake is passing you know that kind of shaken up whenever there is this and and the fam that family's experience in that they have made a decision to rebuild the family altar and the devil is not happy about that so he the devil is about breaking down family alters we are in the business of rebuilding and so he is not happy but the worship encourages peace in the home we have had experiences of peace just after worship you know and so throughout the day you still humming the songs that you sang and worship and you're recalling certain things it does encourage peace in you i want to add as you say you talk about peace but what we experienced there was a storm it wasn't so peaceful was it yes and and that is something that needs to be noted that when you do call for worship when you get serious you really as you say you're fighting and it is a battle and so that peace that we would experience in the after really comes when we we begin to practice when we begin to but at initially or even during there is a fight and sometimes it's clashing i recall of the child growing up particularly at friday evening worship it's like all hell breaks loose at that time you know and and that piece that you talk about sometimes is not present you're actually coming to worship facts if you know what i mean you know i think many people can relate but the thing is the the the level of the fight and the attack determines the level of blessings that you receive you see the enemy is not going to go after anything that you already has and he's fighting because he knows what is going to happen in the end for me when i think about our home and i think about us particularly becoming parents and worship there are two things or two concepts that really are uppermost in my mind when it comes to my children i want to give them roots and i want to give them wings i want to give them a foundation something that they would go deep down and then eventually i have to let them go and nothing does that like worship it is the place in where we can give to them the only thing that we know that will work in this world the spiritual a spiritual moral that will take them when they leave our home and that is what one of the things that worship means to me amen amen amen amen yes and i know that we have people looking on families looking on and may they may be thinking about revamping or or bringing worship back into their family what are some of the tips or ideas they can do to improve their family worship you know i want to jump in with this because one of the hardest things about doing family worship for us especially busy people is time it's scheduling the time for worship and i have to tell you in our home we have juggled that time so many um around so that we could accommodate everyone in in that worship sometimes we have it early early in the morning sometimes we dress it back to six o'clock sometime it's seven sometimes it's nine o'clock in the night because our schedules are so busy and so i think one of the important logistics of of that worship session is really getting our time and our schedule together i just wanted to put that in because yeah so i'm revamping i like that word because every anyone that read it means that it was once yes you know and so it's good that it once was so we have a memory of what the ideal is what the what the best way to do it is and so one one thing i would say is um when we had decided to revamp that time the call for worship to me i think is that's why i started there it's very important if you come knock banging on my door saying it's time for worship i am disturbed from the beginning so one of the things we did was we there was a song a special song and when we so when we when you hear that song start to play it means worship is about to start so it's nobody yelling you know so that's one tip i can give off the bat that i don't mean at work all the time it doesn't work all the time i have to go some time and bang on that door yeah because they might say well i didn't hear this you know so but but you you set a tone so setting the tone i think is important agreeing on on time schedules not demanding that it happens um because time schedules really do be we have busy parents who have to leave the home at five o'clock in the morning and we know we have friends who worship in their car on their way in the traffic jam and so on they worship in the car they have breakfast in the car i mean and again we're speaking about that specific thing yes that thing that we do yes yes not not that we are you know but we're talking about that practice of wishing you know so coordinating time is difficult but coordinated time not not that's necessarily comfortable to everyone it doesn't mean that everyone will sleep in one morning and an hour at our convenience right because worship is not about convenient what's convenient to us it is recognizing that god we start our day as a matter of fact we sandwich our day between god so god is in the beginning god is at the end right true true but the worship the worship yes the worship is those boundaries those borders have already yeah i i want to add a very important aspect of of getting that worship together to is really the personal preparation of in this case the parents all right personal devotion personal preparation in the scene you saw where the father he was disturbed he was reading i mean they would have had a discussion and he's he said that well i support on you and we're going but it would have been if we agreed on a particular time he would have been in the frame of mind to enter worship it's worship shouldn't be a disturbance so if it's morning worship or evening worship the parents themselves they set that time where you have that personal devotion personal connection and that makes it even more meaningful and you teach that to your children it's not easy and and i'm not saying that you know we're there but really building personal devotion to christ enhances that spiritual session that you have and i'm wondering as well if the children they were they're grown children they look like teenagers if they were part of that discussion to revamp and if they would not then they would resist it right so according to the age and stage of the children we have to include them in the discussion to revamp that's important that's exactly what i was thinking we were discussing if they had a discussion as a family did we sit down as a family because it's all the children and say okay this is what we want to do the parents explain to the children the importance of worship and that we want to get back to this and that all agreed upon it and as we say that we have some questions coming in and um i just wanted to make notice of this one cleon richardson said unfortunately worship can become a serious turn off especially when you deal with hypocritical parents worship unfortunately can become a trauma trigger it has to be done properly like he was saying you know you come banging down on the door the parents are saying we need to worship you're telling the children one thing but then they're seeing you doing something else or in worship you're having a discussion about something else so you take that time to pick on the child about something else or something like that and not what worship really is supposed to be about and have the children have that reverence to god within the worship another person asks can i just say that's one of the things why i said it takes courage it takes courage to restart and but we should not put that off simply because we had we failed in the past simply because we fell we shouldn't say okay well how am i going to do this i messed up what what is required that at that point in time is to take the courage to ask for forgiveness as a family and begin again that is critical because that blocks a lot of families from beginning again i messed up as a father i did x y and z i messed up as a mother that does not prevent us from coming to god god is a god of grace and we need to teach that to our children and be willing to apologize be willing to ask for forgiveness and say we did wrong but we want to do it again let's go together as a family one of the worst things to be accused of is being a hypocrite especially by your own children and so parents are afraid of that yes you know they're afraid of that monika that they will be called a hypocrite um i invited my children today i know it's covered season and so on i invited them to the morning session especially so that they will i would be able to to see what i am seeing in front of them for two things they will hold me accountable and they will see that what i am seeing is i'm i will i'm pledging to stick to it and parents we find ourselves being accused of hypocrites being hypocrites because we don't allow our children to hold us accountable to our word hold us to a word to serve god and so on and of course the children don't have the rationality sometimes to say well okay i forgive mommy or forgive daddy because they're human too we sometimes project that we don't make the mistakes they make and so because we project that on them when we make mistakes they're hard on us but we have to teach them to forgive yes yes i can definitely attest to that because i know my sons keep holding me accountable and i like that you said that our children should be able to hold us accountable and we should be able to stick to our word why not tell them one thing and do something else another person wanted to find out um how candace james wanted to know how can a single parent family go about setting up on or rebuilding the family also at a lowly family well certainly the same way that you would um if it's two parents in fact it may even be easier because we saw some resistance from the father in this in this um episode he he said with his mouth that he was supporting but there was a certain level of disrespect when he went to the sun he said you know before she tell me anything you know so that is that is showing disrespect he was reading the papers and even the prayer did not seem meaningful and you know so it may actually be easier as the head of your home to make a decision and to follow through whenever you add um individuals into a decision it becomes more complicated so single parent actually have an advantage in this in this sense what how would you tell them to what did you advise the same advice same advice you call and we as i said seventh-day adventists have a sort of rhythm that we do you follow the rhythm you know you follow god you ask for direction you have a personal devotion and you god will lead you into what worship would look like in your home and that's important to it may not look like anybody else's you know but worship for us means acknowledging god as the head as creator as leader in the morning we need his blessing for the day we need his guidance and in the evening we need to thank him it's all about that and so that is really the base and how that looks like in your family it may vary amen um before we continue on that um note i know you say call to worship now sometimes parents think that children should just know okay it is six o'clock comfortable ship they would quarrel and say you know you're old enough to know now that six o'clock is worship and you come down for worship but do you think it should be a problem for parents to call children and say okay let's go for worship or should they just you know one time come and sit down and go for worship right now we are holding our children accountable for that time and it's not working [Laughter] they've set their alarms they go off at six or before six and seven that's like seven yeah because we do we should now in the morning and um 7 15 the alarms will still be going on and you know and so we feel and we feel sometimes like oh my god we have to call them again and we have to you know it depends on the age of course the age of the children you would work with that you know but definitely you have to teach and then as my husband said the call to worship is really sacred and he always reminds me that in in the biblical days there was this show for horn and this loud sound that would wake up the village in a kind of way and so maybe we are the horns in the home you know and but but when you think about when you think about the the um not doing it because there are times when i feel i should not have to be doing this this is something that should come from inside you by now you should get this and i'm but when i think about not doing it and and the blessing that they would miss i can't sit and not do it sometimes i do it and i quarrel sometimes i do it peacefully sometimes i sit and i call them on the phone and i say well they will answer the vote you know whatever it is and i know that struggle is is all is wherever worship is but what what i think about is if i don't call what are they going to miss what is what is it what is the advantage of us coming together and that is why i would continue to go cars recognize some of those things the phone call yeah i think this one was motivation to do i think that's that's important and i think what paris is really asking is how can a parent motivate their child and not just extrinsic with promises and tangible gifts but intrinsic motivation where you're doing this thing for the love of doing it and that's the hardest kind of motivation to develop in people where you just you do something just for the love of it and for the reward of doing it and that is where we have to get it is it is not easy and getting there takes understanding the the individual dynamics of that home and of the individual and how you can get because like a teacher in the classroom for instance i will draw a lot on education the teacher has to motivate each child to perform and that motivation at a very young age and we see it in primary schools smiley face and stickers and so on that works but when they get older in secondary school and teenagers they can't put smiley faces on that again you have to get them to do it for the love of it one of the easiest ways to motivate somebody intrinsically is for them to see what it is doing for you so if you see a joy in your mother and your father from worshipping and you want that same joy you will be motivated to do the same and so it has to be by the time our children get to teenagers there's a lot of a lot of bullying on us to to be a great example when they're smaller we can just tell them and they do it but the older they get you have to be an example so intrinsic motivation and when it comes to worship is important okay amen so what are some tips you would give a couple to improve or develop cohesion in their marriage and decision making oh that's a big deal [Laughter] what are some tips we can give so there's no children in the mix we're assuming that there's only one the one the cohesion because the first and as i was seeing on the chat they were saying that you know it starts from the head right and if the head is rotten you can't really do much so the the parents are the head of the home and especially if the father in this we saw that the father was not a leader he was not the head so what what tips can you give the parents so that they can have that cohesion first before they take it to the family so that their decision making would be one because the two should become one and when they don't have that cohesion you can see the chaos in the family cohesion is important so cohesion again has to it's it's alluding to agreement so there must be an agreement before we even come to the altar the parents they have to be in agreement and it has to be clear you know they were the the husband and wife in the video were trying to revamp but it's the the boundaries the parameters weren't clear you know was i to wake up to children was it you how we're doing this you know those things weren't clear so there must be an agreement um earlier you said they must have their own personal devotion and they can have personal devotion and then they can have devotion as a couple even before you call the family so that is important those steps you don't necessarily have to do it in that order but those are important steps that must be followed before you get to the family one of the one of the discussions that can be had is really what worship means to me what worship means to you you know sometimes we assume that worship means the same thing you know and having that discussion is a very important what does it mean or what was your history with worship perhaps you know as cleon richard said there may be some trauma there and and you know we are talking i said okay yes we have to worship in this home and stuff and inside there's this vulnerability that you can't express that i really don't really like this worship going on you know so let's have that discussion what does worship mean how how do you see it happening here how what part do you see yourself playing who is to be the lead um yes we do have this prescription that the father is the head and the father should lead what if the father is not there yet what does that mean in this particular situation so it's a lot of dynamics that we have to kind of figure out but certainly having discussion and coming to agreement and then respecting the agreement that was made would be a good place to start amen um i know we are talking about parenting now um when speaking or communicating with children sometimes the tone that a parent use would make the person or the child kind of have a negative reaction to it so when communicating and and calling calling for worship once again you know is it a is it is it a aggressive tone because i saw in the video although she was calling for the children she had a really aggressive tone it's like uh why do i have to do this so when communicating with children um for worship and just calling how do we try to um be peaceful with it i mean you said it right the tone was aggressive and so i always say put some love in your voice try to put some love in the voice you know and that we talked this morning about patience you know having that patience and and we can say these things as i said it's simple to say but it's not easy to do you know and her frustration really wasn't with the children she really wanted the husband to step up she really wanted him to take the role she wanted him to take the lead and so all of this agitation whether it's with the children whether it's in her voice whether it really wasn't about that it was you have a role to play and you are not fulfilling it and so it came out in all of the other ways you know and and and that is what what happened and it really is a big call for men to step up when there is that sort of um when the home is intact it really is a big call on on men and i also sensed in her voice carousel aggression but we can also hear urgency and sometimes we could confuse a call of urgency to to to be aggression you know if this this house is on fire the state's on fire i wouldn't i would have to be urgent in my call and load and and maybe scream and that may sound like aggression and you know sometimes and as parents well as for teenagers the world can pass by as slowly as they like but for us it is urgent this thing this family is crumbling before my very eyes and we need to be a little more urgent about it and i imagine the mother was seeing that this family is in turmoil we need to do something so the the tone we were hearing was was urgency rather than aggression aggression and so i want to ask teenage parents to forgive us if we sound aggressive but we really recognize that you need god in your life and we need to start this day with god so get up and come to worship amen well sad well said and i know the discussion is getting really heated and we want to continue but we also have to pay close attention to time and we will continue shortly with the second video and we do again urge you to send your questions so we're going to take a short break hear from our sponsors we'll do our special music for you and then we will be right back so get your questions out one time [Music] you or something burning oh my goodness oh gosh man brian man oh you could do that one thing axe boy one thing i asked him to do make breakfast today's tuesday and he know what i have to uh [Music] just to make some breakfast he couldn't even do that he leave the bread to burn mommy mommy yes jordan all right you make anything well your father was supposed to make breakfast but he leave the bread taban okay so you had to eat something else it's small you had to eat cereal okay here it's severely this morning um you make juice no your father was supposed to do that too so i have to go and do that right now okay one eat your cereal [Music] yes watch eh evenly sugar done yeah i had to make juice look what yeah we are going to grocery you know you know how long i call in you hello you're supposed to make breakfast you put your bread in your money and in toast and you're going look at how the bread butt up you make no juice water all over the place one morning you had to make breakfast carol carol i really sorry you know i really yeah but you're always sorry anyway i forget the bread and the toast when you dress up going i'm going to check something normally i mean you're going to uncheck something on your today's tools they be so what i'm if today's tuesday tuesday is when i have to carry daddy by the clinic huh you see what i mean you don't ever listen to me you can't go literally no i can't go later right you don't you're just here maybe you don't listen if you're not on the phone all the time it's somebody else's business you're seeing about hey watch you see what i mean hey hello yeah every time i talking to you on your phone yeah hold on hold on don't tell me no hold on yeah mr john yes [Music] what oh my sir john i'm depending on this this alone mr john so so if i if i bring everything in today could i get you i i really need this slow mister john it's it's important always squirrel in it mommy yeah money what do you want money for an ayah to go by auntie and what about my auntie for to use her laptop because i have to study you give my auntie to use her laptop you feel i don't know why you like to go by auntie mommy again many money or not his laptop your name yeah thank you smart things you have one more trick than a monkey you see an eye outside yeah i see you're going on your cheek she's going by her aunt to use the lap drop or something laptop laptop by the way you're supposed to carry how to buy her laptop right today you gotta run to that laptop just know i tell you how important it is the child can be going by her aunt all the time she cannot be using my phone all the time she needs to be here so she can be monitored be carol i will get her room to the laptop but when when you don't ever listen to me you just hear what i'm saying but you don't listen you never listen to me right i don't know how much i this i could take again what is this juice but it's just luck and sweetness girl you're telling me just like the marriage look look what you're going to tolerate i talking about juice you reach to the marriage watch me you and inaya leno right okay because we have problems and they just don't want to address it i mean what problems we have we have no problem yes we do you just put putting your head in the sun and pretending you have problems no i don't have no problem with both of us not everything is have problems we have no problems that's what you keep saying that's what you're feeling you're faking and smiling neighbors and when you're coming i'm not freaking out neighbors all are we faking it what are we faking yes because you could come yeah right real as nuclear right you are fake not at all not at all wow things are certainly heating up with this family they're starting to get pretty pretty aggressive and calling each other names chewing talk back and forth now and um as we look at this one what um stands out to you in this video um once again i'm seeing that the the wife she's really stressed and she's taking out her stress on everyone in the family i'm seeing that i'm really really serious she's so stressed i mean the husband is stressed he's dealing with all these bills overdue or whatever but somehow he still maintains this calm and she's screaming and shouting at him while screaming and shouting at everybody everyone and i am i'm confused if she is not aware of what else is going on around or is she just so concerned in her own and what is going on with her and how stressed she is as opposed to what else is going on with the rest of the persons in the family yeah and she's not even noticing that her husband is stressed just looking at him you would see that there's something wrong that he's worrying about and his attitude would let you know that he's being stressed but for some reason she's just so captive in her stress that she's not able to she gave him a simple task to make breakfast and he burned the toast that's to show you that he was stressed he was worried about something else so that i find that she's speaking to him like he's one of the children she's totally bringing and breaking him down instead of building him up or being more you um compassionate that's so what is going on with you a simple thing how you end up burning your toast what is it that is taking up your time that you could burn toast that is on a timer that is on a timer [Laughter] so i would um i want to ask you all i know you dealt with um conflict in the family in the marital family but um in terms of this family if you had to give them a tip what tip would you give them first of all i would want to see that although it this is these are hypothetical portrayals it is not it is not so hype i it's not so unreal right you know we may not have the same conflict and we may not argue with the same volume but the same levels of toxicity is present in a lot of homes and and so it requires i when i saw this i was really exhausted just just looking at it experiencing it and witnessing it it's really exhausting to think that that you live like that you know and i was hard-pressed to think of tips to give people that family when you know the dynamics may not be the same in your home but the the experience sometimes comes out you know and so the first the first tip i would give is they have to learn to listen to each other what is being said and what is not being said and so communication really is the key in that all it needs to be a better form of communication so at least sometimes all we know is to shout and yell and scream and so learning new ways of communicating and and you know we are we are creatures of habit and when it comes to improving our marriage there are a lot of things we have to learn and learn and relearn and where we are in this continuum we may not want to unlearn some things and we may not want to relearn some other things and we may not want to learn new things so we have to realize what we need to in that simple continuum what we need to learn and learn and relearn and i think communication is one of those things that we need to learn better communication definitely that there there needs to be better communication but i like what caris shared and that this woman is a stressed woman and so really you want to find out what is the source of the stress what is causing her to react that way and what is causing him to react that way because he's reacting along the same way but just in different ways because we're talking about male female behavior females will verbalize she she's using her words and he is staying silent he's hiding he's going into his cave and he's going further and further into his cave but he is feeling the stress the same way and she is feeling the stress the same way but she's verbalizing so she's melting off she's you know she's quarreling she's nagging but they're both feeling the same thing what is it that is causing that issue in a marriage of course if i had to sit them down i would want to find that out what is causing that that feeling whether it's financial pressure whether it's something um that is outside of the marriage what is it that is causing you to react like that and so you want to get to the core of that when when you unearth that then you can talk about behaviors that would help in bringing or solving the problem and communication is definitely one that would begin to bring healing there but there is a root cause and usually in our marriages there is a root cause some unfulfilled expectations some some need some fear some some extra something that is going on on the side you never know what is it what is the root cause that is being demonstrated or coming out in this way in that she is verbalizing and he is hiding yes yes that is definitely what we the along the lines that we were thinking about there is definitely something wrong and neither of them are communicating to each other he's holding to himself he's withdrawing he's going through all of this but why is he not communicating and why is it that he feels that i cannot tell my wife about this and what is going on that helped me that god gave me to help me through the stress why is it that he's not doing that so that is one one thing we wanted to what are some ways to improve and encourage that communication in the family well communication and the family takes place in um first of all in time you know one person said if you want to spell love you spell it t-i-m-e [Laughter] it must happen in time and you know as i said that i thought about what covert situation has done for us it has given us some time it has locked us into a space and um i remember my daughter actually saying that you know when we started this year in 2020 we had such high hopes and 2020 was all about vision and seeing clearly and i'm saying yes that's what we had taught in fact we had a goal 2020 we'll see clearly now and she said but you're still seeing clearly because 2020 vision is seeing the good the bad and the ugly and we are actually being we are actually seeing that in our homes we're getting to see everything and so certainly um you have to have time to have a conversation you have to map it out you have to set it aside some same thing like worship you have to put in the logistics what time are we going to do this are you going to show up are you going to be present and when you come you can't come with a newspaper you've got to show up and be present and so one of the first thing is to set a time where we can have a conversation i think we need to listen as well and listen actively um we all know what that looks like but many times when you're having a conversation you listen to respond you already formulate an answer in your head and whatever that person said that is what you are going to come back with and not really listening to what they are saying so you can respond to what they said you know i've i found myself listening like that with a with a close friend and he would talk and i would just be waiting for when awareness my tune and then i will see something not really listening clearly to what you are seeing so we need to we need to be active listeners in the in the video we saw they weren't listening to each other but they were just responding to each other and so i think active listening is important and just to add active listening is not only only listening to the words you have to listen to the feeling so i do not hear you until i feel what you are feeling that is what active listening is i'm hearing your words but i'm also feeling what you are feeling so until that happens we have to continue the conversation i have to talk until i i hear you with my mind and i hear you with my heart wow okay then let's pause right here for one second because that is definitely important and deep and you heard it coming out in the video she keeps saying you're hearing me but you're not listening ah yes yes yes yes yes and and it's so true and i want the audience to pay close attention to one thing if you noticed carefully and there is there is verbal and non-verbal um communication when she wanted to cut him just now she didn't just cut him and start speaking she touched him lightly on the arm so that he knew that she wanted to interrupt or interject something rather than just cutting over and start speaking just a little pin while you're dealing with communication one thing i noticed as well the the and when my wife said it it dawned on me yeah woman um talk a lot not talk a lot but they they use their words more than twice as much twice as much words than we would and even while the and i like the the the direction and the the setup of the of the clip even while it was feeding into blackness you were hearing the voices in the background and i think that was the most disturbing part for me you were hearing the voices they were still at it you know they were still at it and you know it is you know sometimes the the problem or the the the sea no longer calls for that but we're still at it you know something may have happened and we're moving away and we've moved on from that but we still you're still at it in the background and what's that well just to add to what you're saying is that and especially as we may be mentioned and women speak more than men and sometimes we feel that because i have outspoken you or outshouted you i have won and women are very good at that we can speak louder or we can speak more words than the men can speak in a minute but we haven't won we've lost and you can actually be there and he's there and he's showing up but he's not there and we thought that we had the last word and maybe it was the last word so outspeaking someone doesn't mean that they've heard what you had to see and so creating that time having active listening um creating family traditions is another way of of um encouraging conversations and discussions family traditions like worship is one of them you know it is a great time where we can just sit and check in with everyone um family traditions could be like on every easter weekend we go we fly kite or every friday night we have pastor night that's what we do it's something that anchors the family and brings them together for something specific and we know at this time we are all showing up and so we can talk we can dialogue we can air another thing that is i would tell you particularly with parents who have teenage children teenagers talk and everybody say no but teenagers don't talk they're quiet i'll tell you when they talk they talk at the middle of the night they talk in late hours of the night when everything is all quiet you know sometimes i would just sit outside i hope he's not listening to me i would sit outside just sitting waiting and sometimes around 12 o'clock around 1 o'clock my son would come out and the things he would tell me he would have not said during the day you have to create the moment and the opportunity all of this time i'm in my bed and i don't know all of this has happened just just being there so creating that time and i was speaking specifically about creating traditions where your family can come together so there we have three things you know that people can do to encourage conversations and discussions in the home amen and um we can see in the clip that there's a breakdown in in the family we can see that they are struggling and sometimes you know there's i saw in the video she said um we fake and it's not real and you know and the husband is like nothing is wrong nothing is wrong but she's saying that something is wrong how do we acknowledge that there's a breakdown and then how do we fix that breakdown was he in denial i don't know if he was in denial for not seeing she told him he was in denial and sometimes we are sometimes we have a model of what we think you know it is an expectations and so on it has to be that we are we want the same thing and we're seeing the same thing um so he has to again the conversation will bring out and the improvement in communication will put them on the same page and so they have to the husband and wife they have to get on the same page so that she's not seeing this family's in trouble and he's saying well i don't see anything wrong with what's happening and and that is very common in during the um when i when i work with couples and on the intake form there's a question that i would ask to rate your marriage and of course i ask them this individually they're both filling out forms invariably the woman would rate their marriage less with a less percentage and the men would rate their marriage with a higher percentage there's there's always a variance between the two because you know really sometimes it's just that they think everything is fine they think you know um so it's it's not really matter that he's he's faking or he's lying he has perception maybe that and so really again the discussion is that they have to come get on the same page you know wow yes that's definitely important and it all comes back to that communicating and when you communicate your and you would have said it listen with your feelings listen hear and feel what the other person is saying and not just okay i have an answer or response right for you right now we we we we are not strained but i do have a question from a teenager oh yes yes this teenager once said was a teenager how do i encourage family worship when family worship has diminished and i want to applaud that yeah that's that's a big step forward wow discussion again discussion um you know approaching the the elders in the home with desire you know having that discussion and sharing his heart or her heart with you know what what is required reminding the family you know it it has to start somewhere and it's so great that this teenager you know has that that desire and that that you know to bring forward so certainly i applaud that teenager and say it it must begin with a discussion and if it does not yield the results that that that the person is looking for remember that with god you are a majority yeah you and god makes up our majorities one of the things we do is we project the heteronormative as the gold standard in the church right so mother father children and so the fact that this teenager is asking the possibility is he could be the only adventist in his home or he is the the one who's most or still connected to the church in some way the parents may have strayed or something so he's most connected still and so the assumption is family worship or family is mother father children and so we have to we have to not alienate any variation in family of course we are not we do not accept same-sex families so this is not even part of the conversation we we're thinking of sibling led home you know single single parent home and so on and those and the single parent did ask a question so when we take when we talk family worship i want to encourage five reverse church to to include all of those variations of family those definitions of family so that no one group feels alienated from the discussion so what would we say to this young man this this young is a meal we're not sure okay i just assume it's a meal i don't know why um what we say to this teenager is and and you stay connected to god you stay close to god many times the the the lead the charge the to the healing and the leadership and so on comes from teenagers lng white was 19 years um when she was being considered a founder of the adventist church you know and so we have to he has to to continue to stay close to god you know and again start the conversation not in a not in an intrusive way or in a way that you are saying well because i think family worship is important i am better than everybody else in this house but you start the way very humbly and allow the family to to have the same goal and maybe i can say just this i know we're on time but when people are not on the same goal have the same goal they they will in fact fight now there's a there's a there's a theory in education called goal structures in a classroom in order for the classroom to be to survive everyone in the classroom must have the same goal in a classroom the goal is let's say to attain an a to get an a to pass the past course that's the goal how do we get that how do we get there so if the goal is family worship how do we get there now there are several structures of attaining that goal there's the individualistic structure where i can do it alone so i can sit and i can wish it by myself if everybody else want to go about it i could sit in the living room and wish it by myself that's not the best there's a competitive structure where we're fighting against each other but we want the same outcome but we're fighting against each other and then there's the cooperative goal structure that's where we agree and we say to each other we are we want to attain that and we're all going to get that together and so cooperation that cooperative goal structure i think is important there so that young teenager has to get the cooperation of everyone and i think definitely it's going to start with him or her praying about it developing that asking god for the strength and guidance as to how to approach it and how to get the family in i know my son does it when he's ready if i'm he holds me accountable so you come wake me up it's time for worship and i have to agree and go along and make sure that it's done and somebody else gave the idea of have the children have their turn to carry out the worship so that they are developing it for themselves that's a good point that's a good point and we just want to let everyone know that your worship your style of worship may not be like others but you know you need to be encouraged to continue worshiping it's always a blessing to worship and maybe if you start worshipping on your own others in the family may see and come and join you so it's it's always good to keep the faith it's a work in progress and it takes time and you have to do it step by step so we are going to get back to the conversation in a little bit but at this point we want to have a little special music from alicia this is alicia could give all your gods but life never give change pray all you want the answer is still wait starting to doubt when life starts to frustrate but wait don't lose your faith times when you're starting to lose patience remember the odd days when god saw you through he was there from the start so although they're trying to break you it's father god who make you so just keep the song in your heart life can be hard so hard so hard it's no better roses but hold on to god there is beauty in your scars it's no bed of roses but hold on to god your foundations steady are not shaken you're bent but not breaking your dark clouds will all soon be gone life is hard so hard so hard but hold on to god [Music] he never promised you an easy road there are trials you must face never promised that the weapons wouldn't form but all of them would fail there'll be stumbling blocks to break you down while running in this race but all your broken pieces god will put it back in place signs when you're crying on your knees saying father help me please but i need your love for me to guide my way there be times you feel like giving up but know that god is big enough he's a listener to every prayer you pray pray life [Music] but hold on to god there is beauty in your scars it's no bad but hold on to god your foundation steady and not shaken your bends but not breaking your dark clouds will all soon be gone life is so hard but hold on to god cause oh there is so much peace we often fall [Music] see it's all because it's all because we do not carry everything to god in prayer [Music] [Music] everything to god in prayer and we're back and yes it is a privilege to carry everything to god in prayer so we urge you guys to continue to pray let's continue quickly we are getting ready to wrap up but we do have a few questions still and i have one question on the chart here before we get to those that we do have and someone asked why is it that teenagers do not like to talk to their fathers what can they do to change it yeah yeah but i mean if that's that's business experience why do teenagers you know the fathers are the fathers and again men and women have different perspectives on an issue and fathers tend to be a little more strict and serious about certain issues and so they're not very approachable you know so that may be the reason why it's not my experience um my children can talk to me and so it it has to be that the problem really is not the child but it is the approachability of the parent and so if you want your teenagers to talk to you make yourself a good listener approachable and so young person it may be that the father's perspective and aggression again is his urgency in the matter but do not it's better you you talk to your parents rather than talk to someone else even if they're not good listeners yeah because they're the ones who will be looking out for you the most yes they love you talk to them and availability is one too if you think about the the um the scenario where the father is out more or you know simply sometimes it could just be available and the mom is always available always nurturing you see more mothers dropping off their children picking them up you know so it could be that i don't want to use such a general statement that people can't talk to their fathers you know that may be some person's narrative but i don't know if i don't have a narrative that still exists the disciplinarian father you know we tell the fire together you know that may be something that we still perpetuate so the father is not seen as the one who listens but the one who disciplines and the mother is the one who listens you know and so we have to we have to undo that narrative we men and become good listeners to our children okay um i have a question should a parent correct or complain about his or her spouse in the presence of their children maybe we should ask you that um but sometimes they do and it came out in this story you know where the father said you know she would so it's it's sort of you know it's disrespectful yeah it is disrespectful um certainly going to a child that is there are certain boundaries that exist within within marriage and that is stepping outside of the boundary of the relationship when you're looking to a third party even if that third party is your child so what is happening there what we call is triangulation in that you're turning to the child to meet some need whether it's a complaint whether it's the stress or the air with something that should have happened or happen only within the within the couple it breaks down trust it breaks down respect it breaks down um the children's relationship with the parent the authority in the home and so certainly it should never happen okay that should be kept between the parents i just want to add though that um i think it was a question also someone was talking about disagreements between the parents in front of the children whether it's good or bad um i would want to say that sometimes it is good for the children to see a healthy disagreement happening a lot of times we go into our relationships with a fear of conflict because we have never seen a proper model of it being resolved and if we always have our discussions behind closed doors and we resolve there's no example however what we don't want to show them is like what happened on on on that drama you see but you do want to show that we can we can we can different opinion we can be respectful we can be careful we can be loving as we work out and they can say oh this is how it's done and i can all i can go for it now in my own relationship and have differences or disagreements in a healthy way it's a result of a competitive goal structure that i just talked about and in a competition you are looking for more supporters and so you will try to trump up as much supporters sadly the children who are there will take sides and they will and and for one parent that may be a good thing because it strengthens my argument if i have more people on my side yes and so it really is never a good idea to to air differences and to point out differences about the other spouse in front of the children so true what encouragement do you have for young people who are searching for mr and mrs wright wait well they're 26 years late because i got the last right what i would say to them is it is it is it's a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly it's it's a prayerful decision it's a it's not a decision that it's not a undertaking that you would enter into without having what you don't want just as clear in your mind as what you want you know we all we all know what we want in mr right or mrs right but many times we don't have us clear what we don't want and so as christian young people we should have that don't want list just as clear as what we want tall and sing and play an instrument good looking but what do you not want from mr right i would want to add that one of the first things though is for you to be be who you're looking for oh my gosh i like that be who you're looking for you be that don't look for it in somebody else if you are not that so develop the characteristics take the time to work on yourself to develop those qualities that you are looking for then so be your own miss right or mr right like that so the mr right who's looking for someone will see you yes and they will get you exactly you understand and then and then you look yes we have to tell the children that amen amen so i hope you heard that all the young boys and girls out there young adults be the mr and miss right that you are looking for and then you will find that because you like attracts like so you have to be what you want and what you're looking for so we're just going to take two minutes and wrap up we're going to ask you to give us your closing statements and then we are getting ready to end my closing statements are simple there's just some notes that i made about the family alter and worship the importance of worship and i just want to share that with with the viewing audience today um worship increases the spirit of reverence for god i was just jotting something down um family worship shows the value of worship worship is something that we should value because very soon that thing that we we love we wouldn't be able to do it so openly you know and so it's it we show the value of worship it centers the home it says to to everybody in that home this home is a is a home where god is the center so it centers the home that's why the sabbath commandment says the son daughter manslaughter and medicine everybody in the home is serving god on this day so it centers the home it encourages christian character that is where a lot of training takes place albeit sometimes in a rough way but a lot of training takes place at worship time it binds the family together it it encourages a tradition like what we spoke about and it reinforces spiritual hardship that is not the head of this home god is so i would encourage each one to revamp re-reignite rebuild that family also definitely and i want to speak specifically to marriages and to share one of my philosophies about marriage it is said that every marriage influence 12 other marriages whether for good or for bad and there are many persons who are turned off from marriage another generation simply because they have experienced bad and so i i have an acronym that i want to share regarding what marriages should be built on the word of god in matthew 5 14. it says that we should be lights and not only individually but our marriages should be a light and so i've developed an acronym that says that marriages mergers shine should shine okay so it should be s h i n e s shines marriages that shines it should be safe margins should be a safe place emotionally and physically emote margin should be a healing place we all have wounds i have a wound i come into the marginal and we wound each other in the marriage but it should be a place where we are healed all right marriage should be um i intimating there are different levels of intimacy we must explore those intimacies within our minds so that we can be on the same page it should be nourishing a place where we are nourished where we are developed where i can't have my dreams explored because someone is supporting me if we should be nourished and e exclusive no other third party should come between us in our marriages and s it is sacred we should see our marriage as sacred and so when that happens we would have a marriage that shines versus a marriage that is dull destructive unfulfilling loveless and lonely so in matthew 5 we have that really great testimony that we should be when we do that we are testimony to the world ellen white says that a house rightly um ordered is a testimony bigger than any salmon so have a marriage that shines amen i really enjoyed this discussion it was wonderful like i said i'm not married but i feel like i'm equipped and ready you know i'm ready now um i really really enjoyed it and i'm thankful that you all came i hope that someone else was blessed as well dasha were you blessed i was definitely blessed i feel like i need to go back and start and come again now learn so much that i can definitely go forward with amen amen so thank you once again and we can bow our heads for prayer so before we do that um i know that you are online you were blessed i can see it from the chat that you were blessed and we're very happy that we can bring this program to you and we want to continue so continue joining us next week we are we have a program continues the family life program continues we thank each and every one of you for joining us we thank you for sharing with us and remember you want a marriage that shines and is not dull so take this message carry it share the link like subscribe and let it bless somebody else so as we end we want to bow our heads in prayer amen eternal and gracious father in heaven o lord we thank you for indeed another sabbath we thank you for the message of this evening we pray for each family represented here and online that they would have been urged and encouraged to rebuild their family altars and for those who already have their family orders that they were encouraged to continue it to see the importance on in it and to continue building their families and growing closer be with each married couple or father and knowing them bless them a father and hope that their marriage would grow stronger and stronger day to day as they grow closer to you we know that the devil is undefeated for one today we have proven that they have gotten strategies in which they will be able to help their families grow and and grow closer together continue to bless us and keep us help us to continue to enjoy your sabbath in jesus name we pray amen amen amen amen thank you and have a wonderful rest of the sabbath amen you

Channel: Five Rivers Seventh-day Adventist Church

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Length: 102min 40sec (6160 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 31 2020