Autism ended our relationship

hello and welcome to coming home to autism this week we're gonna be speaking a little bit about Dylan's diagnosis how we both felt at the time and ultimately how that affected our relationship how did I feel when I first heard about Dylan's diagnosis it obviously hit everyone like both myself and Terra like a ton of bricks but um I think part of me wasn't that shocked and that we knew something wasn't quite right with Dylan I remember Terra calling me because there was a way traveling and it was it was a it was a big shock and I think it was more the fact that we didn't know we didn't understand we had no knowledge of what autism was and you know seven years ago now a lot has changed I'd like to think that if we knew then what we knew now we would not have gone through years of all this kind of pain and anguish Andrew dealt with the diagnosis I think pretty badly he kept saying that Dylan needed more discipline that I needed to be a bit stricter with him that I was letting him get away with things and then he would just have to suck it up because that's how we were raised right I wasn't denial you know for many years it's probably taken me you know the full seven years to certainly five years to to to come to terms with us and even now I'd say I'm probably only 95 percent having come to terms with it but at the time I certainly buried my head in the sand a little bit I took an opinion that you know it wasn't as bad as it as some people were making a you know it's fine you know everything will be fine what's all this fuss about and Tara was fantastic you know she she dedicated herself to trying to understand autism what the spectrum was what we could do to help Dylan and it became her her absolute life goal I threw myself into autism everything to do with autism I got every book I went on YouTube I did everything possible I did diets I did therapies I went to every community-based nursery playgroup you can think of I spoke to other parents i armed myself with all this information I threw myself headfirst into it I became me and Dylan in our bubble and no one else existed Andrew didn't exist in our bubble it was me and Dylan we were doing that we were doing the work we were going to speech therapy we were going to occupational therapy we were going to the nursery groups Andrew just buried himself in work and would come home later than usual he avoided maybe I shouldn't say he avoided I guess looking back now I didn't let him tarah was so protective of Dylan or overprotective of Dylan it was hard to get involved or it was hard to give a point of view and I think as a result of that I probably took the easier route which was okay I'll just work hard pay the bills be the provider and we'll all get through this and I think you know any hard emotional situation we all latch on to something we feel comfortable with and sometimes obsess about that to help us get through it it's funny you know it just even Y you know you get emotional now seven years on you know it's so long ago but it was hard at the time [Music] and as Dylan didn't really speak till he was about five years old I really struggled in those early years to to connect with Dylan I think it's some circumstances I even felt sorry for myself and that you know I didn't have those moments of taking Dylan to the park to kick a football around he never wanted to do that or or the first the first ride on the bike and I felt off utterly robbed of these and I kind of felt sorry for myself I knew what didn't liked and what he didn't like because Dylan was nonverbal I knew what he wanted so crying I knew what didn't want it because even though he had no words I understood him and I felt that Andrew didn't and it wasn't Andrews fault because Andrew had to go to work and so the sole responsibility or financially laid on his shoulders Tara's life was everything autism and Dylan and my life was everything about working long hours and we started to drift apart I remember I was obsessively going to the gym and in some parts drinking excessively we argued who was gonna get up with Dylan in the nighttime because Dylan wasn't sleeping he was awake all night I was with Dylan all day apart from the time so he was at nursery and it was just me and Dylan so when Andrew came home he was growing further and further away from us I blamed Andrew a little bit andrew has ADHD which he had from a child I guess part of me I'm gonna be honest thought ADHD it's it's on the spectrum maybe you know it must be maybe you gave it to him maybe you did this and then I thought was it because then I was stressed I blamed myself I thought did I eat the right foods did I did I got too stressed you know because in the news and the media there are so many different things on why your child has autism and it got me into a really bad place and I got buried down and angry and that anger didn't benefit anybody and it certainly didn't benefit myself in Andrews relationship we then got into that pattern of you know who's who's whose life was harder who was getting less sleep who was getting more sleep and you descend into that petty bickering over the smallest of things when you're both just trying to do the right thing we had decided to have another child because we wanted to give Dylan a friend we thought that if Dylan was gonna have a hard time socializing and a hard time making friends that the best thing we could do for him was to have another child that would always be his friend because we come from big families my siblings are my best friends and I wanted that for Dan it was the best thing we ever did was to have Luca but at the time new baby a child who was really struggling a relationship it was already breaking down the writing was on the wall it was probably the hardest conversation we've ever had to have we sat down with each other and I said to Andrew I'm beginning to hate you myself and Terra grew apart to the point that we separated because we didn't want to be bickering we didn't want to be around our children in a negative environment and be negative around our children and our story is not uncommon 80% of relationships who have a child with a disability end up separating and Andrew and I were one of those statistics we decided that I would stay in the house because Dylan knew the routine so it was very hard and Andrew he had to move out it was important that we kept some structure on the family you know both Tara and I come from separated families in the sense that both our parents got divorced you know mine when I was 7 years old I think tarlyn in her late teens and we never wanted that situation where family didn't have support or or our children didn't feel that they had the support of both parents we decided to keep sunday as our family day we would meet up with the kids we'd only go to the park with them we did one week on one weekend off even though myself entire work together in relationship there was no reason why we couldn't still have a family structure so that the children felt felt that loved and felt that strength from both parents and I think that's that's so important and over that time we became friends again and we both got help for our relationship side of things and I realized that I was pushing out you out I realized that I did make a bubble and I had no space for him I spoke to psychotherapist spoke to many friends took up meditation tried to create some inner common perspective and to to really appreciate how it was for Tara to try and come to terms with the reality that was our son's situation and it was at that stage that we realized that we both needed to make changes if we were going to be good parents to our family you know separated or not we still wanted to be a family I didn't really give him a chance because I wouldn't give him a chance to be with Dylan because I didn't trust him I thought I was the one I could look after him not and the power wasn't the right way to be even for my own well-being and and my own self I forgot myself I totally lost myself I think that in the early days certainly I didn't deal with it in the right way you know I got frustrated with Dylan you know tried to discipline him and what you learn is you can't discipline a child with autism in the same way you would a neurotypical child and it's particularly challenging because any child will will challenge your sense of reason on a good day and an autistic child will will certainly do that you know and more but I think as I've learned to understand autism as I've learned to come to terms with it you know you know you learn to let go you learn to allow yourself to to approach it in a different manner we soon realized that we did love each other obviously when I married with another baby but no one loved Dylan the way I did only Andrew because Andrews his dad and he's a good dad and he's a good person and you know what seeing Andrew and Dylan's bond grow over the past few years is really amazing and it's something that Dylan needs I remember you know the one thing that Dylan loved to do was to go to the park he loved to go on the swing but that became her thing just go to the park swing fresh air and do something together and it kind of grew from there swimming became a really important time for myself in Dillon and the first time I ever got eye contact with Dillon was swimming because it was a time where he felt regulated he felt comfortable in an environment where he could interact with me now he gets older you know andrew has to hold Dillon and because he's too big for me you know so when Dillon needs extra pressure and extra sensitivities or if he's crying or upset or lashing out it's andrew has to hold him because I can't do that anymore I know there are single parents out there who are doing alone and hats off to you because here are doing an amazing job you really are and if you can't get support in any which way you know it can be your sister a friend another autism parent you need that support you can't do it on your own because you need a bit of room for yourself as well every relationship is unique and for us being together makes us stronger gives a good foundation for our kids but that might not be the case for everyone and there's some families it's better to be apart and it you can be better parents apart so don't beat yourself up if your relationship doesn't work because what you're doing an amazing job and your child is doing amazing because they have you if we can change our perspective on this whole ASD autism if we can change the way that we view it as a society then an awful lot of this pain and Unknowing can go away from the very the very start by doing these videos and by communicating more hopefully people at the start of their journey you know having had a recent diagnosis who are staring down the barrel of fear and uncertainty can can have a little bit of an insight and say hey this this this can go okay you know it won't be easy you know there will be days you'll be challenged and there'll be days when you'll pull your hair out but there's also days that are credit incredibly insightful you know Dylan views the world in a different way and he's taught us to view the world in a different way if you can get through it it will make you stronger you know it's made myself entire stronger as a result it's made us better people as a result for sure hello how are you can I have my TV chef right now please well she was quite good I thought I might actually start my own TV channel yeah you know it's funny it's so long ago now but when you think back to it the emotions they just they come flooding back by there did you cry oh so confession to cry I did I did feel a very big frog in my throat when I felt back to to those those times those moments yes what I was saying that's just sad that's just a normal just a normal interaction between our two children that's just that yeah no one's crying I think everyone deals with situations differently and you're in survival mode you know you are in survival mode and I think what we learnt the most important thing we learned was to communicate with each other and I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever got given was to treat Andrew you like my best friend really listened to him not criticized not judge just to listen with an open heart and to respect as well I think that's a good one we are trying to learn about each other as well as our children trying to do a balancing act which isn't always easy and we hope that by hearing both our perspectives it might give you a bit more understanding from where the other sex is coming from remind me to watch this video back so I can get a bit more perspective on you yeah what I'll have a look at yours Theo Jackson sense as you said it's an ongoing journey we still disagree we are still learning every day and we learn for the rest of our lives but hopefully we'll be learning it together we would love to hear from you guys what you do to keep your relationship on track or if it all went Pete Tong what in hindsight is advice you'd give other parents anything you wanted to add into that ya know it'd be lovely to hear some feedback for some dads out there get your thoughts on us how did you come to terms with it how long did it take you as long as it did me to come to terms with it by them yeah any thoughts out there would be greatly appreciated see Bob I thank you all for watching and we'll see you next Sunday

Channel: Coming Home to Autism

Views: 351,361

Keywords: coming home to autism, tara leniston, autism, autistic son, family vlog, vlog, autism ended our relationship, autism and relationships, autism and parenting, parenting autism, parents with asd children, asd, ASD, autism and parents, parents of autistic children, autistic child, child on the spectrum, son on the spectrum, spectrum, cure to autism, autism cure, asd diagnosis, autism and genetics, autism spectrum, autism spectrum disorder, what causes autism, autism and vaccines

Id: KV7V00bDjl0

Length: 16min 49sec (1009 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 27 2019