Audiobook | What I know for sure | Part - 1 | Audio Shala

introduction it's not a news story but at least for this book I think it's worth telling one last time the year was 1998 I've been promoting the movie beloved in a live television interview with the late great Chicago sun-times film critic Gene Siskel and everything was going perfectly smoothly until the time came to wrap things up tell me Jeanne asked what do you know for sure now this was not my first rodeo I've asked and been asked an awful lot of questions over the years and it isn't often that I find myself at a complete loss for words but I have to say the man managed to stop me in my tracks the about the movie I stammered knowing full well that he was after something bigger deeper more complex but trying to stall until I could come up with a semi coherent response no he said you know what I mean about you your life anything everything I know for sure I know for sure I need time to think about that some more Jean well sixteen years and a great deal of thought later it has become the central question of my life at the end of the day what exactly do I know for sure I've explored that question in every issue of O Magazine in fact what I know for sure is the name of my monthly column Thank You Jean Cisco and believe me there are still plenty of times when an answer does not come easy what do I know for sure I know that if one more editor calls or emails or even sends a smoke signal asking where is this month's installment I want to change my name and move to Timbuktu but just when I'm ready to raise the white flag and yell that's it I am tapped out I don't know anything for sure I'll find myself walking the dog Zor brewing a pot of chai or soaking in the tub and out of nowhere a little moment of crystal clarity will bring me back to something that in my head and heart and my gut I absolutely do know beyond a shadow of a doubt still I have to admit that I was a bit apprehensive when it came to rereading 14 years worth of columns would it be like looking back at old photos of yourself in haircuts and outfits that really ought to be left in the seemed like a good idea at the time file I mean what do you do if what you knew for sure back in the day turns into what were you thinking here in the present well I took a red pen a glass of Sauvignon Blanc a deep breath sat down and started to read and as I read what I was doing and where I was in my life when I wrote these pieces came flooding back I instantly remembered racking my brain and searching my soul sitting up late and waking up early all to figure out what I've come to understand about the things that matter in life things like joy resilience aww connection gratitude and possibility one of my favorite words I'm happy to report that what I discovered in those 14 years of columns is that when you know something when you really know something it tends to stand the test of time for sure don't get me wrong you live and if you're open to the world you learn so while my core thinking remains pretty solid I did wind up using that red pen to do some nipping and tucking to explore and expand a few old truths and some hard-earned insights welcome to my own private book of revelations as you read about all the lessons I've struggled with cried over run from circle back to made peace with laughed about and at long last come to know for sure my hope is that you will begin to ask yourself the very same question gene siskel asked me all those years ago I know that what you'll find along the way will be fantastic because what you'll find will be yourself joy sit and feast on your life derek walcott the first time Tina Turner appeared on my show I wanted to run away with her be a backup girl and dance all night long at her concerts well that dream came true one night in Los Angeles when the Oprah Winfrey Show went on tour with miss Tina herself after a full day's rehearsal for just one song I got my chance it was the most nerve-wracking me shaking exhilarating experience ever for five minutes and 27 seconds I got a chance to feel what it's like to rock out on stage I've never been more out of my element out of my body I remember counting the steps in my head trying to keep the rhythm waiting for the big kick and being so self-conscious then in an instant it dawned on me okay girl this is gonna be over soon and if I didn't loosen up I would miss the fun so I threw my head back I forgot about step step turn kick and just danced whoo several months later I received a package for my friend and mentor Maya Angelou she'd said she was sending me a gift she'd want any daughter of hers to have when I ripped it open I found a CD of a song by Lee Ann Womack that I can still hardly listened to without boo-hooing the song which is a testament to Maya's life has this line as its refrain when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance what I know for sure is that every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath kick off your shoes and step out and dance to live free of regret and filled with as much joy fun and laughter as you can stand you can either waltz boldly onto the stage of life and live the way you know your spirit is nudging you to or you can sit quietly by the wall receding into the shadows of fear and self-doubt you have the choice this very moment the only moment you have for certain I hope you aren't too wrapped up in non-essential stuff that you forget to really enjoy yourself because this moment is about to be over I hope you'll look back and remember today as the day you decided to make every one count to relish each hour as if there would never be another and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance I take my pleasures seriously I work hard and play well I believe in the yin and yang of life it doesn't take a lot to make me happy because I find satisfaction and so much of what I do some satisfactions are higher rated than others of course and because I try to practice what I preach living in the moment I am consciously attuned most of the time to how much pleasure I'm receiving how many times have I laughed so hard on the phone with my best friend Gayle King that my head started to hurt mid howl I sometimes think isn't this a gift after so many years of nightly phone calls to have someone who tells me the truth and to laugh this loudly about it I call that 5-star pleasure being aware of and creating four and five-star experiences makes you blessed for me just waking up close in my right man is the old folks used to say being able to put my feet on the floor walk to the bathroom and do what needs to be done there is five stars I've heard many stories of people who aren't healthy enough to do that a strong cup of coffee with the perfect hazelnut creamer four stars going for a walk through the woods with the dogs unleashed five stars working out one star still sitting under my Oaks reading the Sunday papers four stars a great book five hanging out at Quincy Jones kitchen table talking about everything and nothing five stars being able to do good things for other people five plus the enjoyment comes from knowing the receiver understands the spirit of the gift I make an effort to do something good for somebody every day whether I know that person or not what I know for sure is that pleasure is energy reciprocated what you put out comes back your base level of pleasure is determined by how you view your whole life more important than 20/20 eyesight is your internal vision your own sweet spirit whispering through your life with guidance and grace now that's pleasure life is full of delightful treasures if we take a moment to appreciate them I call them aa moment and I've learned how to create them for myself case in point my 4:00 p.m. cup of masala chai tea spicy hot with foamed almond milk on top it's refreshing and gives me a little lift for the rest of the afternoon moments like this are powerful I know for sure they can be your recharge your breathing space your chance to reconnect with you I've always adored the word delicious the way it rolls off my tongue just delights me and even more delectable than a delicious meal is a delicious experience rich and layered like a fine coconut cake I had one a few birthdays ago both the cake and the experience it was one of those moments I call a god wink when out of the blue everything lines up just perfectly I was hanging out with a group of girlfriends in Maui I just come back from India and wanted to have a spa retreat at my house to celebrate turning 58 as girlfriend's do even at this age we sat around the table and talk till midnight on the night before my birthday five of the eight of us we're still at the table at 12:30 in the morning worn out from a five-hour conversation that had run the gamut from men to microdermabrasion lots of laughing even some tears the kind of talk and women do when we feel safe in two days I was scheduled to interview the famed spiritual teacher ROM das and by coincidence I started to hum a line from a song invoking his name suddenly my friend Maria said what's that your hermit oh just a line from a song I like she said I know that song I listen to it every night away I said it's an obscure song on an album by a woman named synonym core yes yes yes Maria said yes senada core I listen to her every night before I go to bed how do you know her music Peggy that's another friend who was with us gave me a CD two years ago and I've been listening ever since I said I play her every day before meditating now we were both screaming and laughing no way I actually thought of having her come to sing for my birthday I said when I caught my bread then I said nah too much trouble had I known you liked her too I would have made the effort later that night lying in bed I thought isn't something I would have gone to the trouble for a friend Maria but not for myself for sure I need to practice what I preach and value myself more I went to sleep wishing that I had invited Sanada moi to sing for my birthday the next day my birthday we had a land blessing with a Hawaiian chieftain that evening we gathered on the porch for sunset cocktails my friend Elizabeth stood up to read a poem I thought or make a speech instead she said you wanted it and now you have manifested it she ran a small chime and suddenly music started to play the music was muffled as if the speakers weren't really working I thought what's going on and then there appeared walking unto my front porch Sonata --m core in her white turban and her musicians how did this happen I cried and cried and cried Maria sitting next to me with tears in her eyes held my hand and just nodded you wouldn't do it for yourself so we did it for you after I gone to bed the night before my friends had called to find out where Sonata mcore was in the world to see if they could get her to Maui in the next 12 hours as life and God would have it she and her musicians were in a town 30 minutes away preparing for a concert there and were honored they said to come and sing it was one of the most amazing surprises of my life I tell you layered with meanings I'm still deciphering what I know for sure it is a moment I will save her forever the fact that it happened the way that it happened that had happened on my birthday all so delicious when was the last time you laughed with a friend to your side turd or drop the kids off with a sitter and went away for an entire weekend more to the point if your life into tomorrow what would you regret not doing if this were the last day of your life would you spend it the way you're spending today I once passed a billboard that caught my attention it read he who dies with the most toys is still dead anyone who's ever come close to death can tell you that at the end of your life you probably won't be reminiscing about how many all-nighters you pulled at the officer how much your mutual fund is worth the thoughts that linger are the if only questions like who could I have become if I had finally done the things I always wanted to do the gift of deciding to face your mortality without turning away or flinching is the gift of recognizing that because you will die you must live now whether you flounder or flourish is always in your hands you are the single biggest influence in your life your journey begins with a choice to get up step out and live fully is there anything I love more than a good meal not much one of my best took place on a trip to Rome at a delightful little restaurant filled exclusively with Italians except for our table my friends Reggie Andre Gail Gail's daughter Kirby me eating as the Romans do there was a moment when the waiters prompted by our Italian host Angelo brought out so many delicious antipasti that I actually felt my heart surgeon engine switching gears we had Cikini stuff with prosciutto and fresh ripe tomatoes layered with melting mozzarella so warm you could see teeny tiny little cheese bubbles along with a bottle of 85 Sassicaia a Tuscan red wine that had been breathing for about half an hour to sip and savor like liquid velvet oh my these were moments to treasure did I mention I talked to all this off of the bowl of pasta fagioli made to perfection and a little Tara masu yep that was some good eating I paid for it with a 90-minute jog around the Coliseum the next day but it was worth every delectable bite I have a lot of strong beliefs the value of eating well is one of them I know for sure that a meal that brings you real joy will do you more good in the long and short term than a lot of filler food that leaves you standing in your kitchen roaming from cabinet to fridge I call that the grazing feeling you want something but you can't figure out what it is and all the carrots celery skinless chicken in the world cannot give you the satisfaction of one incredible piece of chocolate if that's what you really crave so I've learned to eat one piece of chocolate maximum - and dare myself to stop and relish it knowing full well like Scarlett O'Hara that tomorrow is another day and there's always more where that came from I don't have to consume the whole thing just because it's there what a concept it's been more than two decades since I first met Bob Greene at a gym in Telluride Colorado I weighed 237 pounds at the time my highest weight ever I was at the end of my rope and the end of hope so ashamed of my body in my eating habit I could barely look Bob in the eye I desperately wanted a solution that worked Bob put me through my workout paces and encouraged a lifestyle built around eating Whole Foods long before I'd ever heard of the store that shares that name and mission I resisted but even as different diets came and his advice remained consistent and wise eat foods that make you thrive a few years ago I finally got the big AHA and started growing my own vegetables and what began with a few rows of lettuce some tomatoes and basil my favorite herb in my backyard in Santa Barbara eventually became a genuine farm in Maui my gardening interest grew into a passion I get ridiculously happy at the sight of the purple radicchio we've grown the elephant Gail that reaches my knees the radish is so big I call them baboon buds because for me it all represents a full circle moment in rural Mississippi where I was born a garden meant survival in Nashville where I later lived my father always cleared a patch by the side of our house where he would grow collard greens Tomatoes crowdy peas and butter beans today that's my favorite meal add some cornbread and I'm clicking my heels but when I was a girl I saw no value in eating freshly grown foods why can't we have store-bought food like other people I would complain I wanted my vegetables to come from the valley of the jolly ho ho ho Green Giant having to eat from the garden made me feel poor I now know for sure how blessed I was to have access to fresh food something not every family today can take for granted thank you Lord for growth I've worked hard to sow the seeds for a life in which I get to keep expanding my dreams one of those dreams is for everyone to be able to eat fresh fruit that goes from farm to table because better food is the foundation for a better life yes Bob I'm putting it in print you were right all along I met Gayle King in 1976 when I was a news anchor at a station in Baltimore and she a production assistant both of us from circles that rarely interacted and certainly were not friendly from the day we met Gail made it known how proud she was that I had the exalted position of anchorwoman and how excited she was to be part of a team I was on it has been that way ever since we didn't become friends right away we were just two women respectful and supportive of each other's paths then one night after a big snowstorm Gail couldn't get home so I invited her to stay at my place her biggest concern underwear she was determined to drive 40 miles to his no storm to get to Chevie chase Maryland where she lived with her mom in order to have clean panties I have lots of clean underwear I told her you can use mine or we can go buy you some once I finally convinced her to come home with me we stayed up the whole night talking and with the exception of a few times during vacations been out of the country Gail and I have talked every day since we laugh a lot mostly about ourselves she has helped me through demotions near firings sexual harassment and the twisted and messed up relationships of my 20s when I couldn't tell the difference between myself and a doormat night after night Gail listen to the latest woeful tale of how I'd been stood up or lied to done wrong she'd always asked for details we call it book chapter and verse then seemed is engaged as if it were happening to her she never judged me yet when I'd let some man use me she'd often say he's just chipping away at your spirit one day I hope he chips deep enough for you to see who you really are someone who deserves to be happy in all my triumphs in every good and great thing that has ever happened to me Gail has been my boldest cheerleader of course no matter how much money I make she still worries I'm spending too much remember MC Hammer she tried as though I'm one purchase away from following in the footsteps of the rapper who went beg corrupt and in all our years together I've never sensed even a split-second of jealousy from her she loves her life she loves her family she loves discount shopping enough to schlep across town for a sale on Tide only once has she admitted to wanting to trade places with me the night I sang on stage with Tina Turner she who cannot carry a tune in the church for you may I say fantasizes about being a singer Gayle is the nicest person I know genuinely interested in everybody's story she's the kind of person who will ask a cab driver in New York City if he has any kids what are their names she'll say when I'm down she shares my pain when I'm up you can believe she's somewhere in the background cheering louder and smiling broader than anyone else sometimes I feel like Gayle is the better part of myself the part that says no matter what I'm here for you what I know for sure is that Gayle is a friend I can count on she has taught me the joy of having and being a true friend getting three new pups at the same time was not the smartest decision I ever made I acted on impulse charmed by their cute little faces intoxicated by their sweet puppy breath and the underbite on puppy number three Laila then I spent weeks getting up at all hours of the night with them I picked up pounds of poop and spent hours puppy training so they would have good manners it was a lot of work I was sleep-deprived and constantly frazzled from trying to keep three at a time from destroying all my worldly goods who did I gain a big new respect for mothers of real babies all this puppy love was starting to get on my nerves so I had to make a paradigm shift one day while walking them I stood and watch them frolic and I do mean frolic rolling tumbling chasing laughing yes dogs do laugh and leaping like bunnies they were having so much fun and seeing them that way made my whole body sigh relax and smile new life discovering a field of grass for the first time what a wonder we all get the opportunity to feel wonder every day but we've been lulled into numbness have you ever driven home from work open your front door and ask yourself how you got there I know for sure that I don't want to live a shutdown life desensitized to feeling and seeing I want every day to be a fresh start on expanding what is possible on experiencing joy on every level I love building a fire in the fireplace what a sense of accomplishment it is to stack the wood exactly right pyramid style and have the flames shoot up without using a starter log I don't know why that's so rewarding for me but it is as a young girl I dreamed of being a Girl Scout but could never afford the uniform a fire is even better when it's pouring rain outside and it's absolutely the best when I finished my work check my emails unplugged and AM ready to read everything I do all day I do in preparation for my reading time give me a great novel or memoir some tea and a cozy spot to curl up in and I'm in heaven I love to live in another person's thoughts I marvel at the bonds I feel with people who come alive on the page regardless of how different their circumstances might be from mine I not only feel I know these people but I also recognize more of myself insight information knowledge inspiration power all that and more can come through a good book I can't imagine where I'd be or who I'd be without the essential tool of reading I for sure would not have gotten my first job in radio at the age of 16 I was touring the radio station W vol in Nashville when the DJ asked do you want to hear how your voice sounds on tape young lady and handed me a piece of news copy and a microphone you oughta hear this girl he exclaimed to his boss there began my broadcasting career shortly thereafter the station hired me to read the news on the air after years of reciting poetry to whomever would listen and reading everything I could get my hands on someone was going to pay me to do what I loved read outloud books for me used to be a way to escape I now consider reading a good book a sacred indulgence a chance to be anyplace I choose it is my absolute favorite way to spend time what I know for sure is that reading opens you up it exposes you and gives you access to anything your mind can hold what I love most about reading it gives you the ability to reach higher ground and keep climbing my primary and most essential goal in life is to remain connected to the world of spirit everything else will take care of itself this I know for sure and my number one spiritual practice is trying to live in the present moment to resist projecting into the future or lamenting past mistakes to feel the real power of now that my friends is the secret to a joyful life if everybody remembered to live this way as children do when they first arrived on this planet it's what we hardened souls call innocence we transform the world playing laughing feeling joy my favorite bible verse which I have loved since I was an eight-year-old girl is Psalms 37:4 delight thyself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart this has been my mantra through all my experience delight in the Lord in goodness kindness compassion love and see what happens I dare you resilience Barnes burnt down now I can see the moon Massa heed a 17th century Japanese poet no matter who we are or where we come from we all have our own journey mine began 1 April afternoon in 1953 in rural Mississippi where I was conceived out of wedlock by Vernon Winfrey and Vernita Lee their one-time Union that day not at all a romance brought about an unwanted pregnancy and my mother concealed her condition until the day I was born so no one was prepared for my arrival there were no baby showers none of the anticipation or delight that I see in the faces of expectant friends who rubbed their swollen stomachs with reverence my birth was marked by regret hiding and shame when the author and counselor John Bradshaw who pioneered the concept of the inner child appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show in 1991 he took my audience and me through a profound exercise he asked us to close our eyes and go back to the home we grew up in to visualize the house itself come closer he said look in the window and find yourself inside what do you see and more important what do you feel for me it was an overwhelmingly sad yet powerful exercise what I felt at almost every stage of my development was lonely not alone because there were always people around but I knew that my sole survival depended on me I felt I would have to fend for myself as a girl I used to love when company would come to my grandmother's house after church when they left I dreaded being alone with my grandfather who was senile and my grandmother who was often exhausted and impatient I was the only child for miles around so I had to learn to be with myself I invented new ways to be solitary I had books and homemade dolls and chores and farm animals I often named and talked to I'm sure that all that time alone was critical in defining the adult I would become looking back through John Bradshaw's window into my life I was sad that the people closest to me didn't seem to realize what a sweet spirited little girl I was but I also felt strengthened seeing it for myself like me you might have experienced things that cause you to deem yourself unworthy I know for sure that healing the wounds of the past is one of the biggest and most worthwhile challenges of life it's important to know when and how you were programmed so you can change the program and doing so is your responsibility no one else's there is one irrefutable law of the universe we are each responsible for our own life if you're holding anyone else accountable for your happiness you are wasting your time you must be fearless enough to give yourself the love you did not receive begin noticing how every day brings a new opportunity for your growth how buried disagreements with your mother show up in arguments with your spouse how unconscious feelings of unworthiness appear and everything you do and don't do all these experiences are your life's way of urging you to leave the past behind and make yourself whole pay attention every choice gives you a chance to pave your own Road keep moving full speed ahead every challenge we take on has the power to knock us to our knees but what's even more disconcerting than the jolt itself is our fear that we won't withstand it when we feel the ground beneath the shifting we panic we forget everything we know and allow fear to freeze us just the thought of what could happen is enough to throw us off balance what I know for sure is that the only way to endure the quake is to adjust your stance you can't avoid the daily tremors they come with being alive but I believe these experiences are gifts that force us to step to the right or left in search of a new center of gravity don't fight them let them help you adjust your footing balance lives in the present when you feel the earth moving bring yourself back to the now you'll handle whatever shake up the next moment brings when you get to it in this moment you're still breathing in this moment you've survived in this moment you're finding a way to step on to higher ground for years I had a secret that almost no one knew even Gale who knew everything about me wasn't aware of it until several years into our friendship the same is true for Steadman I hate it until I felt safe enough to share the years I was sexually abused from age 10 to 14 my resulting promiscuity and finally at 14 my becoming pregnant I was so ashamed I hid the pregnancy until my doctor noticed my swollen ankles and belly I gave birth in 1968 the baby died in the hospital weeks later I went back to school and told no one my fear was that if I were found out I would be expelled so I carried the secret into my future always afraid that if anyone discovered what had happened they too would expel me from their lives even when I found the courage to publicly reveal the abuse I still carried the shame and kept the pregnancy a secret when a family member who has since died leaked the story to the tabloids everything changed I felt devastated wounded betrayed how could this person do this to me I cried and cried I remember Stedman coming into the bedroom that Sunday afternoon the room darkened from the closed curtains standing before me looking like he too had shed tears he said I'm so sorry you don't deserve this when I dragged myself from bed for work that Monday morning after the news broke I felt beaten and scared I imagined that every person on the street was going to point their finger at me and scream pregnant at 14 you wicked girl expelled no one said a word not strangers not the people I knew I was shocked nobody treated me differently for decades I'd been expecting a reaction that never came I've since been betrayed by others but although it's a kick in the gut it doesn't make me cry or take to my bed anymore I try never to forget the words of isaiah 54:17 no weapon formed against you shall prosper every difficult moment has its silver lining and I soon realized that having the secret out was liberating only then could I begin repairing the damage done to my spirit as a young girl I realized that all those years I've been blaming myself what I learned for sure was that holding the shame was the greatest burden of all when you have nothing to be ashamed of when you know who you are and what you stand for you stand in wisdom whenever I'm faced with a difficult decision I ask myself what would I do if I weren't afraid of making a mistake feeling rejected looking foolish or being alone I know for sure that when you remove the fear the answer you've been searching for comes into focus and as you walk into what you fear you should know for sure that your deepest struggle can if you're willing and open produce your greatest strength have you ever come across an old picture and then instantly transport it back in time to the point where you can feel the clothes you were wearing there's a photo of me at 21 years old that gives me exactly this feeling the skirt I was wearing cost $40 more than I've ever spent on a single item of clothing but I was willing to do it for my first major celebrity interview Jesse Jackson he was speaking at a local high school telling students down with dope up with hope and I'd been assigned to cover him my news director didn't think the event was worth our time but I'd insisted okay I pleaded assuring him I could come back with a piece worthy of the six o'clock news and I did I had a fondness for telling other people's stories extracting the truth of their experience and distilling it into wisdom that could inform inspire or benefits someone else still I was uncertain about what to say to Jesse Jackson or how to say it if I knew then what I know now I would never have wasted even a single minute doubting my path because when it comes to matters of the heart emotion connection and speaking in front of large audiences I thrive something happens between me and whomever I'm engaged with I can feel them and sense that they are vibing right back with me that's because I know for sure that anything I've been through or felt they have too and probably more so the great connection I feel with everybody I speak to stems from being aware that we are all on the same path all of us wanting the same things love joy acknowledgement no matter what challenge you may be facing you must remember that while the canvas of your life is painted with daily experiences behaviors reactions and emotions you are the one controlling the brush the bite numbers at 21 I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and self-doubt it would have been a revelation to understand that we are all the artists of our own lives and that we could use as many colors and brushstrokes as we like I've always prided myself on my independence my integrity my support of others but there is a thin line between pride and ego and I've learned that sometimes you have to step out of your ego to recognize the truth so when life gets difficult I found that the best thing to do is ask myself a simple question what is this here to teach me I remember back in 1988 when I first took ownership of the Oprah Show I had to buy a studio and hire all the producers there were a million things I didn't know I made a lot of mistakes during those early years including one so big we had to have a priest come in to cleanse the studio afterward fortunately for me I wasn't so well known back then I could learn a lesson and grow from it privately today part of the price of success is that my lessons are public if I stumble people know and some days the pressure of that reality makes me want to scream but one thing I know for sure I am NOT a screamer I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that would be for what I've actually raised my voice at someone so when I feel overwhelmed I usually go to a quiet place a bathroom stall works wonders I close my eyes turn inward and breathe until I can sense the still small space inside me that is the same as the still small space inside you and in the trees and in all things I breathe until I can fill the space expand and fill me up and I always end up doing the exact opposite of screaming I smile at the wonder of it all I mean how amazing is it that I a woman born and raised in Mississippi when it was an apartheid state who grew up having to go into town even a watch television we certainly didn't have one at home and where I am today wherever you are in your journey I hope you too will keep encountering challenges it's a blessing to be able to survive them to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other to be in a position to make the climb up life's mountain knowing that the summit still lies ahead and every experience is a valuable teacher we all have stand-down moments that require us to stand up in the center of ourselves and know who we are when your marriage falls apart when a job that defined you is gone when the people you counted on turn their backs on you there's no question that changing the way you think about your situation is the key to improving it I know for sure that all of our hurdles have meaning and being open to learning from those challenges is the difference between succeeding and getting stuck as I get older I can feel my body making a shift no matter how I try I cannot run as fast as I could before but to tell you the truth I don't really care to everything shifting breasts and knees and attitude I'm marvel with my own sense of calm now events that used to leave me reeling with my head and a bag of chips no longer even fazed me even better I'm privy to insights about myself that only a lifetime of learning can bring I've said that I always knew I was exactly where I was meant to be when I was standing on the stage talking to viewers around the world with the Oprah show that was truly my sweet spot but the universe is full of surprises because I'm learning that where sweet spots are concerned we're not limited to just one at different times in our journeys if we're paying attention we get to thrinng the song were meant to sing in the perfect key of life everything we've ever done and all women to do comes together in harmony with who we are when that happens we feel the truest expression of ourselves I feel myself heading there now and it is my wish for you to one of my greatest lessons has been to fully understand that what looks like a dark patch in the quest for success is the universe pointing you in a new direction anything can be a miracle a blessing an opportunity if you choose to see it that way had I not been demoted from my six o'clock anchor post in Baltimore back in 1977 the talk-show gig would never have happened when it did when you can see obstacles for what they are you never lose faith in the path it takes to get you where you want to go because this I know for sure who you're meant to be evolves from where you are right now so learning to appreciate your lessons mistakes and setbacks as stepping stones to the future is a clear sign you are moving in the right direction during difficult times I often turn to a gospel song called stand in it songwriter Donnie McClurkin sings what do you do when you've done all you can and it seems like it's never enough what do you give when you've given your all and it seems like you can't make it through the answer lies in McClurkin 'he's simple refrain you just stand that's where strength comes from our ability to face resistance and walk through it it's not the people who persevere don't ever feel doubt fear and exhaustion they do but in the toughest moments we can have faith that if we take just one step more than we feel we're capable of if we draw on the incredible resolve every human being possesses we will learn some of the most profound lessons life has to offer what I know for sure is that there is no strength without challenge adversity resistance and often pain the problems that make you want to throw up your hands and hollom mercy will build your tenacity courage discipline and determination I've learned to rely on the strength I inherited from all those who came before me the grandmothers sisters aunts brothers who were tested with unimaginable hardships and still survived I go forth alone and stand as 10,000 Maya Angelou proclaimed in her poem our grandmothers when I moved through the world I bring all my history with me all the people who paved the way for me are a part of who I am think back for a moment on your own history not just where you were born or where you grew up but the circumstances that contributed to your being right here right now what were the moments along the way that wounded or scared you chances are you've had a few but here's what is remarkable you are still here still standing connection love is the essential existential fact it is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth Marianne Williamson talking with thousands of people over the years has shown me that there is one desire we all share we want to feel valued whether you're a mother in Topeka or a business woman in Philadelphia each of us at our core longs to be loved needed understood affirmed to have intimate connections that leave us feeling more alive and human I once filmed the show in which I interviewed seven men of different ages and backgrounds all of whom had one thing in common they cheated on their wives it was one of the most interesting candid conversations I've ever had and a huge aha moment for me I realized that the yearning to feel heard needed and important is so strong in all of us that we seek that validation in whatever form we can get it for a lot of people men and women having an affair is an affirmation that I'm really okay one of the men I interviewed who had been married 18 years and thought he had a more Oh code that would withstand flirtatious temptation said about his mistress there wasn't anything special about her but she listened was interested and made me feel special that is the key I thought we all want to feel like we matter to somebody as a girl growing up shuffled between Mississippi Nashville and Milwaukee I didn't feel loved I thought I could make people approve of me by becoming an achiever then in my 20s I based my worth on whether a man would love me I remember once even throwing a boyfriend's keys down the toilet to keep him from walking out on me I was no different from a physically abused woman I wasn't getting slapped upside the head every night but because my wings were clipped I could not soar I had so much going for me but without a man I thought I was nothing not until years later did I understand that the love and approval I craved could not be found outside myself what I know for sure is that a lack of intimacy is not distance from someone else it is disregard for yourself it's true that we all need the kind of relationships that enrich and sustain us but it's also true that if you're looking for someone to heal and complete you - shush that voice inside you that has always whispered you're not worth anything you're wasting your time why because if you don't already know that you have Worth there's nothing your friends your family your mate can say that will completely convince you of that the Creator has given you full responsibility for your life and with that responsibility comes an amazing privilege the power to give yourself the love affection and intimacy you may not have received as a child you are the one best mother father sister friend cousin and lover you will ever have right now you are one choice away from seeing yourself as someone whose life has inherent significance so choose to see it that way you don't have to spend one more second focusing on a past deprived of the affirmation you should have gotten from your parents yes you did deserve that love but it's up to you now to bestow it upon yourself and move forward stop waiting for your husband to say I appreciate you your kids to tell you what a great mother you are a man to whisk you away and marry you or your best friend to assure you that you're worth a darn look inward the loving begins with you the key to any relationship is communication and I've always thought that communication is like a dance one person takes a step forward the other takes a step back even a single misstep can land both people on the floor in a tangle of confusion and when you find yourself in that position with your spouse your colleague your friend your child I found that the best option is always to ask the other person what do you really want here at first you might notice a little swarming a lot of throat clearing mm-hmm maybe some silence but if you stay quiet long enough to get the real answer I guarantee it will be some variation of the following I want to know that you value me extend a hand of connection and understanding and offer three of the most important words any of us can ever receive I hear you I know for sure your relationship will be the better for it I've never been a social person now I know this may come as a surprise to most people but ask anybody who knows me well and they will confirm it is true I've always kept my downtime for myself plus we circle of friends whom I consider my extended family I've been living in Chicago for years before I they realize I could count on one hand and still have some fingers remaining the number of times I visited friends or met someone for dinner or gone out just for fun I've lived an apartment since leaving my dad's house apartments where I often didn't take the time to know the person across the hallway let alone anybody else on my floor we were all too busy I told myself but in 2004 shortly after that realization I moved to a house not an apartment a house in California and a whole new world opened up to me after years spent in the public eye conversing with some of the world's most fascinating people I finally became social for the first time in my adult life I felt like I was part of a community just after I arrived as I was pushing my cart down the cereal aisle at Vons a woman I didn't even know stopped me and said welcome to the neighborhood we all love it here and I hope you will too she said it with such sincerity that I just wanted to weep in that moment I made a conscious decision not to close the gate to my life as I had for so many years living in the city shutting myself off to even the possibility of a new circle of friends I now live in a neighborhood where everybody knows me and I know them first Joe and Judy invited me next-door for Joe's homemade pizza and said it would be ready in an hour I hesitated only a moment I put on my flip-flops headed over in sweatpants and zero makeup and ended up staying the afternoon chatting it up at a stranger's house finding common ground was brand new territory for me portering on adventurous since then I've had tea with the Abercrombie's who lived three doors down been to a backyard barbecue with Bob and Marlene's a pool party at burying to Linda's had watermelon martinis at Julie's took in a rose garden gathering at Sally's I attended a formal sit-down in Annette and Harold's with more silverware than I could manage and a rib cooking contest which I deserved to win but didn't at Margot's I watched the Sun set and ate black eye peas of the Nicholson's and attended an all-out feast under the stars with 50 neighbors at the right nuns I knew all but two of them by name so yes I've become very social and because of that my life has a new unexpected layer I thought I was through making friends but much to my surprise I found myself looking forward to hanging out laughing connecting with and embracing others as a part of the circle it's added new meaning to my life a feeling of community I didn't even know I was missing what I now know for sure is that everything happens for a reason and the stranger who approached me in the grocery store with such feeling triggered something the possibility that I could make this new neighborhood a real home and not just a place to live I've always known that life is better when you share it but I now realize it gets even sweeter when you expand the circle let's face it love is a subject that's been done and overdone trivialized and dramatized to the point of mass delusion about what it is and isn't most of us can't see it because we have our own preconceived ideas about what it is it's supposed to knock you off your feet and make you swoon and how it should appear in a tall slim witty charming package so if love doesn't show up wrapped in our personal fantasy we fail to recognize it but this is what I know for sure love is all around it's possible to love and be loved no matter where you are love exists in all forms sometimes I walk into my front yard and I can feel all my trees just vibrating love it is always available for the asking I've seen so many women myself included dazed by the idea of romance believing they're not complete unless they find someone to make their lives whole when you think about it in that just a crazy notion you alone make a whole person and if you feel incomplete you alone must fill all your empty shattered spaces with love as Ralph Waldo Emerson said nothing can bring you peace but yourself I'll never forget the time I was cleaning out a drawer and came across 12 pages that stopped me in my tracks it was a love letter I'd written but never sent thank God to a guy I was dating at the time I was 29 desperate and obsessed with this man it was 12 pages of wine and pining so pathetic that I didn't recognize myself and though I've kept my journals since age 15 I held my own burning ceremony for this testament to what I thought was love I wanted no written record that I was ever that pitiful and disconnected for myself I have seen so many women give themselves up for men who clearly didn't give two hoots about them I've seen so many women settle for the crumbs but now I know that a relationship built on real love feels good it should bring you joy not just some of the time but most of the time it should never require losing your voice your self-respect or your dignity and whether you're 25 or 65 it should involve bringing all of who you are to the table and walking away with even more romantic love is not the only love worth seeking I have met so many people longing to be in love with somebody to be rescued from their daily lives and swept into romantic bliss when all around there are children neighbours friends strangers also yearning for someone to connect with look around and notice possibility is everywhere on the other hand if you find it a strain to open your heart full throttle to the big l word start in first gear show compassion and before long you'll feel yourself shifting to something deeper soon you'll be able to offer others the blessings of understanding empathy caring and I know for sure love in times of crisis I've always marveled at the way people reach out with words of encouragement I've had moments of real devastation in my life we all have but I've been sustained by the grace and love of friends who've asked is there anything I can do to help not knowing that they already have just by asking people I've known well and others I've never met have in tough moments built me a bridge of support I'll never forget when after a particularly difficult setback a few years ago my friend BeBe Winans stopped by unexpectedly there's something I came to tell you he said and he just started seeing what he knows is my favorite spiritual I surrender all I surrender all all to thee my blessed Savior I surrender all i sat silently close my eyes and open myself to this gift of love and song when he finished I felt a release of all pressure I was content to just be and for the first time in weeks I experienced pure peace when I opened my eyes and wiped away the tears Bibi was beaming he started laughing his hahaha laughs and gave me a big hug girl he said I just came to remind you you don't have to carry this load all by yourself to know that people care about how you're doing when the doing isn't so good that's what love is I feel blessed to know this for sure I thought I knew a lot about friendship until I spent eleven days traveling across the country in a Chevy Impala with Gayle King we've been close since we were in our early 20s we've helped each other through tough times vacation together worked my magazine together and still there was more to learn on Memorial Day 2006 we set out to see the USA in a Chevrolet remember that commercial from years ago well I always thought it was a charming idea when we pulled out of my driveway in California we were singing the jingle loudly with vibrato cracking ourselves up three days in around Holbrook Arizona we were mumbling the tune and by Lamar Colorado five days in we'd stopped singing all together the trip was grueling for me every day six then eight then ten hours with nothing but road stretched ahead when Gayle drove she insisted on constant music I wanted silence to be alone with my thoughts became a running joke as she sang along boisterously I realized there wasn't a tune she didn't know she called almost everyone her favorite this was as nerve-racking for me as a silence was for her when I was behind the wheel I learned patience and when patience worth then I bought earplugs every night blinding in a different hotel we were exhausted but still able to laugh at ourselves we laughed at my merging anxiety interstate anxiety and passing another vehicle anxiety oh and crossing a bridge anxiety of course Gayle will tell you I'm not such a great driver she herself is a masterly driver taking the curves on the Pennsylvania Turnpike with ease and steadily leading us into New York only one glitch by the time we reached Pennsylvania or contacts had been in too long and her eyes were tired we approached the George Washington Bridge relieved to end the long run of Cheetos and pork rinds from gas stations dusk had fallen and night was approaching fast Gail said I hate to tell you this but I can't see what do you mean you can't see I tried to ask calmly all the headlights have halos do they have halos to you she said uh no they do not can you see the lines on the road I was shouting by now envisioning the headline friends finished journey in a crash on GW bridge there was nowhere to pull over and cars were speeding by I know this bridge very well she said that's what's saving us and I have a plan when we get to the tow I'm gonna pull over and take out my contacts and get my glasses well that toll was a long way ahead what can I do I said near panic do you need me to steer for you no I'm gonna hug the white lines she said can you take out my contacts and put on my glasses she joked at least I think she was joking that would be dangerous and impossible I said then turn up the air I'm sweating she said we both sweated our way to the toll booth and safely pulled into New York the crew following us had t-shirts made I survived the road trip what I know for sure is that if you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing your friendship is real the story of how my beloved dog Sadie Sadie came into my life is one for the ages at a humane shelter in Chicago she hugged my shoulder licked my ear and whispered please take me with you I could feel her making a bid for a new life with me I felt an instant connection with her but just to be sure I wasn't caught up in a moment of overwhelming puppy love Gail said why don't you wait and see how you feel tomorrow morning so I decided to wait 24 hours the next day Chicago had a whiteout blizzard not a good day to bring a puppy home I thought especially if you live in a high-rise it's hard to house train from the 77th floor even when the sun is shining puppies need to go outside a lot when they're first learning when and when not to go nevertheless Steadman and I donned our winter gear and use our four-wheel drive to get across town just to have another look I swore miss CD the runt of the litter spoke to my heart I love making the underdog a winner an hour later we read Petco buying a crate and wee-wee pads collar and leash puppy food and toys the crate started out next to the bed and still she cried we then moved the crate up onto the bed right in the center so she had a full view of me I wanted to do anything I could to help her avoid separation anxiety on her first night away from the litter and yet there was more whimpering and whining then full-blown yelping so I took her out of the crate and let her sleep on my pillow I know that is no way to train a dog but I did it anyway to the point where Sadie thought I was her litter made by the time I woke up in the morning she had now sold her way into my shoulder which was her most comfortable sleeping position five days after bringing her home I lost track of good sense let myself get talked into adopting her brother Ivan for 24 hours life was grand ivan was Sadie's playmate and I didn't have to be it was nice to get some relief from games of fetch and rubber squeezy bunnies Ivan had one full day of romping in the Sun with Sadie and my two golden retrievers Luke and Leila then he refused dinner and then the diarrhea started followed by vomiting and more diarrhea that was on Saturday by Monday night we knew he had the dreaded parvo virus I've been through parvo 13 years before with my brown cocker Soloman it nearly killed him he stayed in the veterinary hospital for 20 days he was more than a year old when he got it Ivan was only 11 weeks his young immune system was not strong enough to overcome it four days after we took Ivan to the emergency clinic he died that morning Sadie refused to eat even though she had tested negative before I knew she had parvo too so began the ordeal of trying to say sadee plasma transfusions antibiotics probiotics and daily visits I wish for every citizen of this country the kind of health care and treatment this little dog received the first four days she got increasingly worse at one point I told her that I'm prepared to let her go she shouldn't have to fight this hard but fight she did by the next day her white blood cell count started to improve and two days later she was happily eating bits of chicken shortly afterward sadie came home skinny and frail but ready to start life anew she eventually recovered fully during the time she and eivin spent in the hospital i was worried and restless and got little sleep the same as it would have been for any family member which is what I know for sure pets represented our lives a connection to caring that is unconditional and reciprocal puppy love nothin like it when you make loving others the story of your life there's never a final chapter because the legacy continues you lend your light to one person and he or she shines it on another and another and another and I know for sure that in the final analysis of our lives when the to-do lists are no more when the frenzy is finished when our email inboxes are empty the only thing that will have any lasting value is whether we've loved others and whether they've loved us we've all heard that it's more blessed to give than to receive well I know for sure that it's also a lot more fun nothing makes me happier than a gift well given and joyfully received I can honestly say every gift I've ever given has brought at least as much happiness to me as it has to the person I've given it to I give as I feel throughout the year that may mean mailing a handwritten note to someone who didn't expect it or sending a great new lotion I just discovered or delivering a book of poetry with a pretty bow it doesn't matter what the thing is what matters is how much of yourself goes into the so that when the gift is gone the spirit of you lingers my friend John via once left a white bowl of bright yellow lemons with their stems and leaves freshly picked from her backyard and tied with a big green ribbon on my front doorstep with a note that said good morning the whole presentation was so beautiful in its simplicity that long after the lemon shriveled I felt the spirit of the gift every time I passed the place where the bowl had been set I now keep a bowl filled with lemons just to remind me of that good morning you may have heard about the time I gave away a bunch of cars on my show pontiac g6 'as it was the most fun I've ever had on TV but before that great giveaway i sat meditating in my darkened closet in my office trying to stay in the moment and not get anxious about the big surprise that was to come it was important to me to fill the audience with people who really needed new cars so that all the excitement would have meaning I wanted the gift to be about the essence of sharing what you have I prayed for that sitting in the dark amongst my shoes and handbags then I walked downstairs to the studio and my prayers were answered I am a country girl at heart having grown up in rural Mississippi where if you didn't grow it or raise it as in hogs and chickens you didn't eat it helping my grandmother pulled turnip greens from the garden then sitting on the porch snapping beans and shelling peas was a routine I took for granted today my favorite day of the week in spring summer and fall is what I call harvest day we go out to the garden to gather artichoke spinach squash green beans corn tomatoes and lettuce along with basketfuls of fresh herbs onions and garlic the bounty of it gives my heart a thrill I'm in awe every time by planning so little little seeds you can reap so much in fact my problem is volume I can't eat it all but I don't want to throw anything away that I've watched grow discarding food you've grown from seed feels like throwing away a gift I readily share with my neighbors and still there's always more all good food comes from the earth and whether you get that food from a farmers market your local grocer or your own backyard this I know for sure the pure joy of eating well is worth savoring I once sliced a fresh peach that was so sweet so succulent so divinely peachy that even as I was eating it I thought there are no words to adequately describe this peach one has to taste it to understand the true definition of peach enos I close my eyes the better to enjoy the flavor but even that wasn't enough so I saved the last two bites to share with Stedman to see if he affirmed my assessment of best peach ever he took the first bite and said hmm hmm this peach reminds me of childhood and so that small thing got bigger as all things do when shared in a spirit of appreciation I still remember the first time I stepped outside my box of giving only to family and friends and did something significant for someone I didn't know I was a reporter in Baltimore and it covered a story about a young mother and her children who'd fallen on hard times I'll never forget going back to their home and taking the whole family to a mall to buy winter coats they so appreciated the gesture and I learned how good it feels to do something unexpected for someone in need since that time in the late 1970s I've been blessed with the ability to give truly great gifts everything from cashmere sheets to college education I've given Holmes cars trips around the world the services of a wonderful nanny but the best gift anyone can give I believe is the gift of themselves at my 50th birthday luncheon every woman in attendance wrote a note sharing what our friendship meant to her all the notes were placed in a silver box that box still has a treasured space on my nightstand on days when I'm feeling less than joyful I'll pull out a note and let it lift me back up about a year later I hosted a weekend of festivities to honor 18 magnificent bridge-building boundary breaking women and a few dozen of the younger women whose way they had paid I call that weekend the legends Bowl and after it was over I received thank-you letters from all the young uns in attendance the letters were calligraphy and bound together in a book they are among my most valued possessions and they inspired me recently when a friend was going through a rough time I called all of her friends and asked them to write her love notes which I then had bound into a book I gave to someone else in the same way that someone had given to me and I know for sure that's what we're here to do keep the giving going the table next to me was making a lot of noise celebrating a special occasion five waiters singing happy birthday dear Marilyn our side of the room applauded as Marilyn blew out the single candle on the chocolate cupcakes she'd been presented with someone asked if I take a picture with the group sure I said and casually asked how old is Marilyn - no one in particular since I didn't know who Marilyn was the whole table laughed nervously one person said in mock outrage I can't believe you're asking that Oprah Marilyn ducked her head modestly and told me I dare not say I was at first in views then taken aback you want to picture honoring your birthday but you don't want to say how old you are well she said I don't want to say it out loud I've just been a wreck for weeks doing this day was coming it just makes me sick think about it it makes you sick to think that you marked another year that every worried we stripe every challenge every delight every breath every day was leading to this moment and now you made it and you're celebrating it with one little candle and denying it at the same time I'm not denying it she said I just don't want to be 43 i gassed in my car you're 43 oh my I see why you wouldn't want anybody to know that everybody laughed that nervous little laugh again we took the picture but I didn't stop thinking about Marilyn and her friends I also thought about Don Miguel Ruiz author of one of my favorite books The Four Agreements according to Don Miguel 95 percent of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies and we suffer because we believe all these lies one of these lies that we believe and practice and reinforce is that getting older means getting uglier we then judge ourselves and others trying to hold on to the way we were this is why over the years I've made it a point to ask women how they feel about aging I've asked everybody from bo Derek to Barbra Streisand Ali McGraw told me the message women my age sent a terrified 30 and 40 year old women is that it's almost over what a [ __ ] Beverly Johnson said why am I trying to keep this teenage body when I'm not a teenager and everybody knows it that was an epiphany for me she said and civil Shepards honesty offered terrific insight I had a great fear as I grew older that I would not be valued anymore she said if you're blessed enough to grow older which is how I look at aging I think often of all the angels of 9/11 who will not get there there's so much wisdom to be gained from people who are celebrating the process with vibrancy and vigor and grace I've had wonderful mentors in this regard Maya Angelou doing speaking tours in her mid 80s Quincy Jones always off in some far-flung part of the world creating new projects Sidney Poitier epitomizing who and what I want to be if I'm fortunate live so long reading everything he can get his hands on even writing his first novel at age 85 continuously expanding his fields of knowledge for sure we live in a youth-obsessed culture that is constantly trying to tell us that if we're not young and going and height we don't matter but I refuse to buy into such a distorted view of reality and I would never lie about or deny my age to do so is to contribute to a thickness pervading our society the sickness of wanting to be what you're not I know for sure that only by owning who and what you are can you step into the fullness of life I feel sorry for anyone who buys into the myth that you can be what you want were the way to your best life is not denial it's owning every moment and staking a claim to the here and now you are not the same woman you were a decade ago if you're lucky you're not the same woman you were last year the whole point of aging as I see it is change if we let them our experiences and keep teaching us about ourselves I celebrate that honor it hold it in reverence and I am grateful for every age I'm blessed to become I never foresaw doing the Oprah Show for 25 years 12 years and I was already thinking about bringing it to a close I didn't want to be the girl who stayed too long at the party I dreaded the thought of overstaying my welcome then I did the movie beloved portraying a former slave who experiences newfound freedom that role changed the way I looked at my work how dare I who had been given opportunities unimaginative even think of being tired enough to quit so I renewed my contract for another four years then another two at the 20-year mark I was almost certain that the time was finally right to call it a day that's when I received an email from Matti Stefanik Maddy was a 12 year old boy with a rare form of muscular dystrophy would appeared on my show to read his poetry and became an instant dear friend we exchanged emails often and talked on the phone when we could he made me laugh and sometimes cry but most often he made me feel more human and present and able to appreciate even the smallest things Madi suffered so much in his young life going into and out of the hospital yet hardly ever complained when he spoke I listened and in May 2003 as I was in the throes of deciding whether to bring the show to an end he was a singular force in changing my mind here's the letter he wrote me dear Oprah hello it's me Maddy you're a guy I'm praying and hoping to go home around Memorial Day it's not a guarantee so I'm not telling a lot of people it seems that every time I try to go home something else goes wrong the doctors are not able to fix me but they agree with me going home and don't worry I'm not going home to die or anything like that I'm going home because they can't do anything else here and if I heal it's because I meant to heal and if I don't then my message is out there and it's time for me to go to heaven I personally am hoping that my message Jill needs me to be the messenger a while longer but that's really in God's hand but anyway I'm only needing blood transfusions about once a week now so that is better and it sounds weird but I think it's really cool that I have blood and platelets from so many people makes me related to the world in some way which is a proud thing to be I know that you're planning to retire your show on its 20th anniversary it is my opinion that you should wait to stop your daytime show on its 25th anniversary let me explain why 25 makes more sense to me partially because I'm a bit OCD and five is a perfect number it's a perfect square and symbolizes a quarter of something not just a fifth like the number twenty also when I think of the number 25 especially for retiring or completion for some reason my mind is filled with bright colors and the rejuvenation of life I know that sounds weird but it's true you've already made history in so many ways wonderful and beautiful ways why not make history bigger by having a show with great dignity that touched and inspired so many people for a quarter of a century I'll let you think on it and of course it's only my opinion but I sometimes get feelings about things and I have one about this I think it's good for the world and good for you I love you and you love me Maddie as anyone who knows me knows I sometimes get feelings about things too and my gut told me to pay attention to this angel boy who I believe was a messenger for our time somehow it was clear to him back in 2003 that I was neither emotionally nor spiritually prepared to bring that phase of my career to a close when I finally was ready for the next chapter I moved forward with no regrets only grace and gratitude and wherever heaven is I know for sure Maddie is there every morning when I open my curtains for that first look at the day no matter what the day looks like rainy foggy overcast sunny my heart swells with gratitude I get another chance in the best of times and worst of times I know for sure this life is a gift and I believe that no matter where we live or how we look or what we do for a living when it comes to what really matters what makes us laugh and cry and grieve and yearn delight and rejoice we share the same heart space we just fill it with different things here are 15 of my favorite planning vegetables in my garden making blueberry lemon pancakes on Sunday morning for Stedman never fails to delight him like he's seven years old every time an off-leash rump on the front lawn with all my dogs a rainy day a chill in the air a blazing fire in the fireplace picking vegetables from my garden a great book reading in my favorite place on earth under my oak trees cooking vegetables from my garden sleeping to my body wants to wake up waking up to the real Twitter birds a workout so strong my whole body breathes eating vegetables from my garden being still embracing silence the daily spiritual practice of gratitude every day I bless my life by counting my blessings possibility soar eat either see what has never been seen depart be lost but climb Edna st. Vincent Millay how can I realize my potential more fully that's a question I still ask myself especially when contemplating what's next in my life in every job I've taken in every city in which I've lived I've known that it's time to move on when I've grown as much as I can sometimes moving on terrified me but always it taught me that the true meaning of courage is to be afraid and then with your knees knocking to step out anyway making a bold move is the only way to advance toward the grandest vision the universe has for you if you allow it fear will completely immobilize you and once it has you in its grip it will fight to keep you from ever becoming your best self what I know for sure is this whatever you fear most has no power it is your fear that has the power the thing itself cannot touch you your fear can rob you of your life each time you give in to it you lose strength while your fear gains it that's why you must decide that no matter how difficult the path ahead seems you will push past your anxiety and keep on stepping a few years ago I was writing this question in my journal every day what am I afraid of over time I realized that while I'd often seemed brave on the outside I'd live much of my inner life in bondage I was afraid that others wouldn't like me I was terrified that if I said no to people they would reject me everything I did thought felt said or even ate was connected to the fear I carried around with me and I allowed it to block me from ever knowing who I really was dr. Phil often says you can't change what you don't acknowledge before I could challenge my fear and begin changing what I believed about myself I had to admit that yes I had always been afraid and that my fear was a form of slavery author Neale Donald Walsch says so long as you're still worried about what others think of you you're owned by them only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself it's true that when you summon the courage to cast a vote for yourself when you dare to step out speak up change yourself or even simply do something outside of what others call the norm the results may not always be pleasant you can expect obstacles you will fall down others may call you nutty at times it may feel like the whole world is rising up to tell you who you cannot become and what you cannot do it can upset people when you exceed the limited expectations they've always had for you and in moments of weakness your fear and self-doubt may cause you to falter you may be so exhausted that you want to quit but the alternatives are even worse you might find yourself stuck in a miserable rut for years at a time or you could spend too many days languishing and regret always wondering what would my life have been like if I hadn't cared so much about what people thought and what have you decided right now that you will stop letting fear block you what if you learn to live with it to ride its way to Heights you never knew where possible you might discover the joy of tuning out what everybody wants for you and finally pay attention to what you want and need and learn that ultimately you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself that is what it truly means to live without fear and to keeps reaching for your best life the true measure of your courage is not whether you reach your goal it's whether you decide to get back on your feet no matter how many times you've failed I know it is not easy but I also know for sure that having the courage to stand up and pursue your wildest dreams will give you life's richest reward and life's greatest adventure and what's really wild right now no matter where you are you are a single choice away from a new beginning one of my defining moments came in the third grade the day a book report I turned in earned my teachers praise and made my classmates grudgingly whisper she thinks he's so smart for too many years after that my biggest fear was that others would see me as arrogant in some ways even my weight was my apology to the world my way of saying see I really don't think I'm better than you I'm not that smart the last thing I wanted was for my actions to make me appear full of myself beginning when we're girls most of us are taught to deflect praise we apologize for our accomplishments we try to level the field with our family and friends by downplaying are we settle for the passenger seat when we long to drive that's why so many of us have been willing to hide our light as adults instead of being filled with all the passion and purpose that enable us to offer our best to the world we empty ourselves in an effort to silence our critics the truth is that the naysayers in your life can never and will never be fully satisfied whether you hide or shine they'll always feel threatened because they don't believe they are enough so stop paying attention to them just stop paying attention to them and you suppress some part of yourself or or allow other play you small you are ignoring the owners manual your creator gave you what I know for sure is this you are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more to be more splendid to be more extraordinary to use every moment to fill yourself up in 1989 I read this passage in Gary zhukov's book the seat of the soul every action thought and feeling is motivated by an intention and that intention is a cause that exists as one within effect if we participate in the cause it is not possible for us not to participate in the effect in this most profound way we are held responsible for our every action thought and feeling which is to say for our every intention it is therefore wise for us to become aware of the many intentions that inform our experience to sort out which intentions pretend which effects and to choose our intentions according to the effects that we desire to produce that was one paragraph but it was a life-changing paragraph for me I'd recognize for a long time that I was responsible for my life that every choice produce a consequence but often the consequences seem so out of line with my expectations that's because I was expecting one thing but intending another my intention of always trying to please other people for example produce an unwanted consequence I often felt taken advantage of and used and people came to expect more and more and more from me but the principle of intention helped me realize that other people weren't the problem I was I decided to do only those things that came from the truth of who I am and doing only that which pleased me to do for others what I know for sure is that whatever your situation is right now you have played a major role in creating it with every experience you build your life thought by thought choice by choice and beneath each of those thoughts and choices lies your deepest intention that's why before I make any decision I ask myself this critical question what is my real intention since reading that passage in the seed of the soul I have seen time and time again how knowing the answer to that question can be your guiding force the reverse is also true when you do not examine your intention you often end up with consequences that block your progress over the years I witness far too many couples who stayed married when they shouldn't have simply because their intention was just that to be married rather than to be fulfilled and in the end each of those couples had a relationship in which there was no regard for intimacy growth or building a strong life if you are feeling stuck in your life and you want to move forward start by examining your past motivations or intentions look closely I've learned that my truest intentions are often hiding in the shadows ask yourself how have my intentions produce the experiences I'm having now and if I change my intentions what different consequences will I create as you make choices that honor who you are you will get exactly what life intended for you the chance to reach your greatest potential I have always had a great relationship with money even when I barely had any to relate to I never feared not having it and never obsessed about what I had like most people I can remember every salary I ever made I suppose we remember because a salary helps define the value of our service and unfortunately for some people the value they place on themselves I first realized I was not my salary when I was fifteen and making fifty cents an hour babysitting his Ashbury rowdy kids and cleaning up after she pulled nearly every outfit from her closet every time she got dressed her bedroom always looked like the end of the day last call sale at Macy's would choose and brightly colored necklaces and dresses everywhere just before flitting out the door without leaving any info as to where she was going or how she could be reached she'd say oh by the way dear would you mind tidying things up a bit well yes of course I did mine and the first time I tidied up I did such a great job I thought surely she'd pay me extra when she saw how I cleaned not only her room but the kids rooms too she never did so I moved on and found a job that would pay me more a job where I thought my efforts would be appreciated there was a five-and-dime not far from my father's store and I got hired there for a dollar fifty an hour my job was to keep things straight stock shelves full socks I wasn't allowed to work the cash register or speak to customers I hated it two hours in I found myself counting the minutes to lunch then counting the minutes to quitting time even at 15 I knew in my soul this was no way to live or make money I was bored beyond anything I've ever felt before or since so after three days I quit and went to work in my father's store for no salary I didn't like working there either but at least I could talk to people and not feel like you like my spirit was being drained Bauer still I knew that no matter how much my father wanted it to be that store would not be a part of my future life by the time I was 17 I was working in radio making $100 a week and that's when I made my peace with money I decided that no matter what job I ever did I wanted that same feeling I got when I first started in radio the feeling of I love this so much even if you didn't pay me I'd show up every day on time and happy to be here I recognized then at 17 what I now know for sure if you can get paid for doing what you love every paycheck is a bonus give yourself the bonus of a lifetime pursue your passion discover what you love then do it have never been a whitewater rafting bungee jump in town a girl that is not how I define adventure what I know for sure is this the most important adventure of our lives doesn't have to involve climbing the highest peak or trekking around the world the biggest thrill you can ever achieve is to live the life of your dreams maybe you're like so many women I've talked to over the years who've suspended their deepest desires in order to accommodate everything and everyone else you ignore the nudge that whisper that often comes in the form of emptiness or restlessness to finally get on with what you know you should be doing I understand how easy it is to rationalize your mate and your children need you the job that you admit makes you miserable demand so much of your time but what happens when you work hard at something that is unfulfilled it drains your spirit it robs you of your lifeforce you end up depleted depressed and angry you don't have to waste another day on that road you can begin again starting over begins with looking in word it means ridding yourself of distractions and paying attention to that inkling you've been ignoring I've learned that the more stressful and chaotic things are on the outside the calmer you need to get on the inside it's the only way you can connect with where your spirit is leading you many years ago as a young television reporter at WJZ in Baltimore I was given what was considered a plum assignment I was sent to Los Angeles to interview a few television stars at first I was thrilled here was a chance to prove myself a good interviewer alone without the help of my usual co-anchor and to add some celebrity cachet to my career experience but by the time I arrived in California I felt like a small fish dropped into the Hollywood fishbowl I started to doubt myself who was I to think I could just walk into their world and expect them to talk to me reporters from all over the country had been invited there were throngs of us local newscasters entertainment lifestyle reporters each given five minutes to interview an actor from the TV seasons upcoming lineup I started to feel nervous uncomfortable inept not good enough to be there with all those other reporters from much bigger cities with more experience than I to make matters worse a representative for Priscilla Presley who was there for a new show she was hosting told me as I was eleventh in line to talk to her you can ask anything but whatever you do don't mention Elvis she'll walk out on you so now I wasn't just intimidated by this new world of stars and their handlers I was feeling completely inhibited I'd been a TV reporter since I was 19 I'd interviewed hundreds of people in difficult situations and prided myself on being able to break the ice and establish rapport but I wasn't accustomed to real stars I thought they had some mystique that being famous made them not only different but also better than us regular folk and I was having difficulty figuring out how I pull that off in a five-minute time frame with the most real questions being off-limits for some reason you might call it a coincidence I call it grace in action I was switched from the Priscilla Presley line to interview a young comedian who was starting a new show called Mork & Mindy what followed were five of the most exhilarating while off the charts minutes I've ever spent in an interview with the most uninhibited out-of-the-box free-falling and every second celebrity human I'd ever met I don't remember a word I said but I know I hardly said any he was a geyser of energy I remember thinking whoever this guy is he's going to be big he wasn't afraid to be his mini selves I had great fun playing with Robin Williams for the first time and I learned in that instant to go where the interview takes you he was all over the place and I just had to flow with it so when my turn came to talk to miss Priscilla Presley I for sure had received the lesson you can't accomplish anything worthwhile if you inhibit yourself I asked about Elvis she didn't walk out in fact she obliged me with an answer if life teaches you nothing else know this when you get the chance go for it my biggest mistakes in life have all stemmed from giving my power to someone else believing that the love others had to offer was more important than the love I had to give to myself I remember being 29 and in a relationship based on lies and deceit down on the news crying after mr. Mann who we shown that name here once again had brought in Lowe I've been waiting for him all evening he stood me up and it wasn't the first time he arrived hours after our date was supposed to start and I dared to ask why I remember him standing in the doorway and hurling these words at me the problem with you baby doll is that you think you special at which point he turned on his heels and slammed the door in my face I'd grown up watching my cousin Alice be physically abused by her boyfriend and I'd vowed I would never take such treatment but sitting there on the bathroom floor after mr. Mann walked out I saw with great clarity the only difference between Alice and me was that I hadn't been hit mr. Mann was wrong I did not think I was special and that was the problem why was I allowing myself to be treated this way even with these insights it took me another year to end the relationship I kept hoping and praying that things would get better that he would change he never did I started praying for the strength to just end it I pray and wait to feel better and wait and wait all the while repeating my same old patterns until one day I got it while I was waiting on God God was waiting on me he was waiting on me to make a decision to either pursue the life that was meant for me or to be stifled by the one I was living I recognized the truth that I'm all right just as I am I am enough all by myself that revelation brought its own miracle around that time the call came from me to audition for a talk-show in Chicago if I had stayed entangled in that relationship my life as I know it would never have happened what is the truth of your life it is your duty to know in order to find out know that the truth is that which feels right and good and loving love doesn't hurt I've learned in the years since I was 29 it feels really good it's that which allows you to live every day with integrity everything you do and say shows the world who you are let it be the truth I'll never forget the moment when I decided to always choose myself I recall what I was wearing a blue turtleneck and black slacks where I was sitting in my boss's office what the chair looked and felt like brown paisley too deep and overstuffed when my boss the general manager at the Baltimore TV station where I work said there is no way you can make it in Chicago you are walking into a land and you can't even see it you're committing career suicide he used every tactic he could muster to entice me to stay more money a company car a new apartment and finally intimidation you are going to fail he said I didn't know if he was right I didn't have the confidence to believe I could succeed but somehow I gathered the nerve to say to him before standing up and walking out you are right I may not make it and I may be walking into landmines but if they don't kill me at least I'll keep growing in that moment I chose happiness the lasting happiness that abides with me every day because I decided not to be afraid and to move forward staying in Baltimore would have been the safe thing to do but sitting in my boss's office I knew that if I let him talk me into staying it would affect the way I felt about myself forever I would always wonder what could have been that one choice changed the trajectory of my life I live in a state of exhilarated contentment that's my definition of happiness fueled by a passion for everything I'm committed to my work my colleagues my home my gratitude for every breath taken in freedom and peace and what makes it sweeter is knowing for sure that I created this happiness it was my choice time is fleeting those of you with children are ever cognizant of this fact because your children keep growing out of and into themselves the goal for all of us is to keep growing out of ourselves to evolving to our best possible lives somewhere deep within me even when I was a teenager I always sense that something bigger was in store for me but it was never about attaining wealth or so Burtie it was about the process of continually seeking to be better to challenge myself to pursue excellence on every level what I know for sure only when you make that process your goal can your dream life follow that doesn't mean your process will lead you to wealth or fame in fact your dream may have nothing to do with tangible prosperity and everything to do with creating a life filled with joy one with no regrets and a clear conscience I've learned that yes wealth is a tool that gives you choices but it cannot compensate for a life not fully lived and it certainly cannot create a sense of peace within you the whole point of being alive is to become the person you were intended to be to grow out of and into yourself again and again I believe you can do this only when you stop long enough to hear the whisper you might have drowned out that small voice compelling you toward your calling and what happens then you face the biggest challenge of all to have the courage to seek your dream regardless of what anyone else says or thinks you are the only person alive who can see your big picture and even you can't see it all the truth is that as much as you plan and dream and move forward in your life you must remember that you are always acting in conjunction with the flow and energy of the greater universe move in the direction of your goal with all the force and Verve you can muster and then let go releasing your plan to the power capital P that's bigger than yourself and allowing your dream to manifest as its own masterpiece dream big really big work hard really hard and after you've done all you can fully surrender to the power capital P you

Channel: Audio Shala

Views: 200,526

Keywords: Audiobook, What I know for sure, Learn, Great life, Great ideas, AudioSaala, Audio, Study, Book, Best book

Id: _E9miEtQE64

Length: 120min 0sec (7200 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 26 2020