[MUSIC] OPRAH WINFREY: Today, it's taken a year for her to come forward. Mercilessly judged, she called herself the most hated mom in America. BRENDA SLABY: How do you forget that your child is in the car? I knew she was gone. WINFREY: If you're rushing around right now, trying to do a million things at once, stop and watch. Next. WINFREY: So I have a confession to make, and that is that in spite of all the support I have, and I have a lot of people helping me do what I do, this show in particular, and all the help that I have at home, there are days when I feel completely overwhelmed. Is there anybody else who feels that way? [APPLAUSE] WINFREY: You just feel completely overwhelmed. So I really cannot imagine what it is like for mothers who, as I have been saying since I've been doing this show, I think mothers have the hardest job on earth, whether you work and stay inside the home or outside the home, it's just the most difficult job on earth that's often not acknowledged. So the thought of not just taking care of myself, but also an entire family makes my brain want to implode sometimes. So, really, I honor those of you who do this job well of raising your families. Today's show is for anybody who feels or has felt overwhelmed. I am telling you, the fact that this show is on and you're seeing it right now, it's your wake-up call to slow down, because what happened to my guest today could so easily happen to any of you. Watch this. BRENDA: It was very hard, trying to be the perfect mom and the perfect employee. I've said so many times I try to be everything to everybody and it goes back into the job and the kids and the friends. I've always been the kind of person that lived for doing things for other people. WINFREY: Forty-one-year-old Brenda Slaby says that being an assistant principal and mother of two was a constant challenge. BRENDA: Because I worked so hard -- I had it in my head that I needed to be super-mom. WINFREY: On August 23rd of last year, Brenda knew she had a very busy day ahead of her. BRENDA: It was the first teacher day back at school. The first day back at school is always, always crazy. There are lots of demands. WINFREY: Her husband, Gary, remembers that day. GARY SLABY: I knew she was racing around and I could tell that, you know, she was under pressure, but I didn't realize how much pressure she was under. BRENDA: It was really just a rush to get out the door. I got up early, got up at 5:30. GARY: That morning was not a normal routine morning. I had a dentist appointment and I asked Brenda to take Cecilia. I normally took both Cecilia and Alison and dropped Cecilia off at the sitter and Alison off at preschool. WINFREY: So Brenda broke her regular routine and took her two-year old, Cecilia, with her. BRENDA: Picked up Cecilia, she was always sleeping, put her in the car, left, probably about 6:00. I started to pull off towards the sitters and realized it was too soon. WINFREY: Since it was too early in the morning to drop Cecilia at daycare, Brenda decided to run a quick errand. BRENDA: Before I went to school, I picked up some doughnuts for the teachers, got on the road. And that was the road to school, so I drove straight to school. I unloaded everything into the chorus room. I rushed in and the rest of the day was just a typical first day back for teachers. WINFREY: But, as it turns out, it was not a typical day, at all. So I thank you for being here, Brenda. What happened next? BRENDA: Day got started just typically. We had our staff meeting. We had lunch where I even talked about my kids to somebody. I wasn't feeling good that day, though, for some reason and had wanted to go home a little early. I remember getting on the intercom and announcing to everybody that I was going to leave at four and that was when everybody needed to leave the building and that's when everything else seemed to happen. WINFREY: Okay, tell me what happened. BRENDA: I was sitting in my office and a good teacher friend of mine and sometimes I think it was a blessing it was her, was on her way home and she walked by my car. She ran into my office and she said, "Brenda, your baby's in the car." The first thing out of her mind what -- out of her mouth was, "Did you go pick her up and leave her there while you were doing something else?" I said, "No." I grabbed my keys out of my desk drawer, no shoes or anything, ran as fast as I could to my car and I knew what I was going to find. I opened my car door and I remember hearing the voices around me, teachers who were close to me screaming. I grabbed Cecilia out of the car and I remember feeling the car seat come with her, so I think I yanked her so hard to get her out. I took her and I knew she was gone. As soon as I picked her up, I knew. And I remember I took her and I ran through the parking lot with her, screaming her name and then what brought me, kind of, to consciousness, I guess, was somebody from the cafeteria yelled for me to bring her here and it snapped me and I turned around and ran to the cafeteria. To this day, I don't know who I handed her off to. I don't have any memory of that. I heard people yelling for ice and I just -- I sat in a ball and I prayed. I prayed harder than I've ever prayed in my life. WINFREY: But you knew she was gone. BRENDA: But I knew she was gone. WINFREY: Cecilia died of heat stroke after being left in the car for nearly eight hours. It was August and the temperature outside reached 100 degrees that day. So she'd been sitting in the car that whole time. Now it's interesting. I heard you say that you, earlier in the day, had been talking to your fellow teachers about her. BRENDA: Yeah. WINFREY: So, even in talking about her and the children, it didn't even cross your mind. BRENDA: And, you know, that goes back to so much of the guilt. WINFREY: Yeah. BRENDA: There was, um, there was some new teachers there that I hadn't met yet and I remember vividly sitting at a table, talking to one of these new teachers about my kids and how wonderful my kids were. WINFREY: And were you talking about Cecilia? BRENDA: Yeah, I was talking about Cecilia. Even then, nothing clicked in. I didn't remember. WINFREY: So police received an, obviously, a frantic 911 call, several that afternoon from Brenda's coworkers who were there when Cecilia was pulled from the car. Here 's a little bit of that. FEMALE ONE, 911 CALLER: Oh, my god. She's in the hot car all day? Someone says she's been in the hot car all day. She's not breathing. FEMALE, 911 OPERATOR: She's not breathing? FEMALE ONE, 911 CALLER: No. FEMALE, 911 OPERATOR: Anybody know CPR? FEMALE ONE, 911 CALLER: There goes someone who knows CPR. FEMALE, 911 OPERATOR: Okay, are they with her now? How old is she? FEMALE ONE, 911 CALLER: Well, I'd say maybe three. FEMALE, 911 OPERATOR: Three years old? FEMALE ONE, 911 CALLER: The baby's skin is peeling off of her. FEMALE, 911 OPERATOR: It's peeling off of her? FEMALE ONE, 911 CALLER: She's got white, foamy stuff in her mouth. FEMALE TWO, 911 CALLER: There's a little girl that was locked in a car and it was hot. She's not conscious. I don't believe she's conscious. FEMALE, 911 OPERATOR: She isn't breathing. FEMALE TWO, 911 CALLER: No, she's not conscious. She's not breathing. FEMALE, 911 OPERATOR: Okay. FEMALE TWO, 911 CALLER: Her arms are discolored, too. WINFREY: So you didn't know they were making those calls, obviously. BRENDA: I didn't. Today was the first time I heard that and, again, I recognize the voice of one of those teachers and it was a blessing who was there. And that teacher I know has, along with a lot of other people, have changed dramatically the way they're living their lives and the way they're doing things. WINFREY: Yeah. Well, that is the point of this story. You know, it's really easy for everybody to stand in judgment and to say, "Oh, my god. How could you possibly?" And I would have to say that for the millions of you who, you know, are watching this and all of us here in this studio, none of our voices saying, "Oh, my god. How you could have done that?" really measure up to your own saying, "How could you have done that?" BRENDA: There is nothing compared to being that mother who, you know, spent their life trying to protect their kids from all these evil things in the world and not being able to protect my daughter from myself, really, is what it feels like. WINFREY: Well, you know, authorities say this happens when people break the routine. How did you break the routine that morning? BRENDA: My husband was normally the one who took my daughters to daycare. They were both at two different centers. So he would drop Alison off then drop Cecilia off and I would pick them up at the end of the day. WINFREY: So you're not the person who normally would take them. BRENDA: I'm not normally the person. He had a dentist appointment that morning, asked me to take her and I did. And that, along with being the first day of school and so busy, just once I got on that road, like I said, that was my path, to go to school. WINFREY: Well, this year, 33 children have died of heat stroke after being left in cars. Thirty-three children. BRENDA: Yeah. WINFREY: And so, you're obviously, not the only one and everybody who is watching has, at some point -- maybe not everybody -- been so busy that you ended up home and you didn't even know how you got home. You drove yourself there, and you don't even know how that happened, because you kind of go unconscious. That's what happened to you that morning with your child in the car. BRENDA: Exactly. It's the worst. It's like you brain just worked against you. I had in my head where I needed to be. And that's what I did. WINFREY: Yeah. And you were not in the moment. You were trying to get to the moment. BRENDA: I was trying to get to the moment. WINFREY: Yeah. My conversation with Brenda will continue. We'll be right back. How do you tell your husband? WINFREY: Coming up, Brenda's husband is here. GARY: I was just in shock. I didn't know what to do. WINFREY: Did you ever blame her? Did you ever say, "How could you?" We'll talk to him next. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] BRENDA: I realized the most important person in the world to me lost out, because I didn't plan well enough. And she's the one that slipped through the cracks. WINFREY: Okay. We're talking to Brenda Slaby. Brenda's life changed in the blink of an eye when she accidentally forgot to drop her daughter off at the babysitter. Instead, leaving her in a sweltering car for nearly eight hours while she was at work. Two-year-old Cecilia died that day. And an hour after Cecilia was found in the car, Brenda was taken to the police station and questioned for nearly two and a half hours. Here's some of her emotional confession. MALE, POLICE OFFICER: Is there anything else that you can think of that--like I just said, we know this was not done on purpose. Okay? And that nobody thinks that you would ever do anything like that. I don't think anybody's doubting that, Brenda. I really don't. BRENDA: Oh, god. Good mothers don't do this. MALE, POLICE OFFICER: I don't think anybody's ever said that you're a bad mother either, Brenda. BRENDA: What is that? I didn't know how I could live without my kids. They are my life. MALE, POLICE OFFICER: So when you pulled in the parking lot of school Cecilia was still asleep? BRENDA: Yeah. How could I not think of my daughter? I want to die. I just want to die. WINFREY: Mm. Hard to watch. BRENDA: Very hard to watch. WINFREY: Brenda's husband Gary is here. I don't know -- can't even imagine how difficult this has been. Who told you, Gary? GARY: I was at work. My cell phone goes off. Well, it was her principal. And he said, "Get over to the school right now." When I arrived at school, her principal met me, and I saw a lot of commotion going on. And he pulled me off to the side and said, "Let's go sit down on this bench." We went and sat down. And I'm sure for him it was the hardest thing he ever had to do. And he looked at me, and he says, "Cecilia's dead." And I looked at him, and I said, "What?" He said, "Cecilia is dead. " I didn't even think to ask him how, why. I just got up and sort of walked off to be by myself. And just -- wow. I was just in shock. I didn't know what to do. WINFREY: Well, you know, obviously Brenda's blamed herself. Did you ever blame her? Did you ever say, "How could you?" GARY: No. WINFREY: No. GARY: Because I could have done the same thing, very easily. WINFREY: So this was not the first time she'd been left in a car. BRENDA: When Allison was at her daycare center that she was at, there were a couple of times that Cecilia was sleeping, and would just -- I did everything in fast motion -- run in, leave the car going, run in, get Allison and run back out. And I did that a couple of times. But there's something completely different about that than what happened to Cecilia that day. Because I was completely aware and doing that as quickly as I could versus the day we lost Cecilia and completely having no idea that she was there. WINFREY: Yeah. And you said there on that tape, during the confession, that you just wanted -- two things struck me. And I don't know about all of you guys, too. That when you said good mothers don't do this. And also that you then just wanted to die. Good mothers don't do this. So, I suppose, mothers have this idea, you all have this idea in your head, about what the good mother is. BRENDA: Mm-hmm. WINFREY: Certainly, leaving your child in the car doesn't fit that. BRENDA: I always felt like I was -- I tried to be the perfect mother. I felt like I did everything for my kids. And, you know, I did live for them. And a mother who's supposed to love their children, how do you forget? And that's the strongest thing to wrestle with in myself, and I know for other people hearing this, is how do you forget that your child is in the car. WINFREY: Okay. So the reason I was so interested in talking to you is because I think so many people have been in this position and have made mistakes, have had signs they're making mistakes, but didn't use it as a wake-up call. And when I first heard this story, you know, my personal belief is, is that when somebody dies who you've loved, and they loved you, you now have an angel you know. I don't know if they're in heaven or where they are, but I just believe that the spirit moves on and lives on. And when I first heard this story, I said, "Oh, her daughter Cecilia gets to be an angel for everybody who hears this story." Because when you hear this story and recognize that this little baby's life was sacrificed, you know, really, and sacrificed so that we can get the message to slow down. BRENDA: Yes. Correct. WINFREY: Slow down. You're doing too much. BRENDA: And that's how I -- what helped me cope with all this was, you know, at the time, yes, I wanted to die, and I can't say, you know, through the progression, there are moments that you feel that. Because you just loved your daughter so much. But from almost immediately I said, "How am I going to make something out of this?" I have been given this to bear for a reason and I'm not going to let Cecilia's life be in vain. I'm going to use what I've learned in this whole process to change lives for other people. WINFREY: Yeah, I would have to tell you that the producers working on this show -- where are they? Are you guys in the control room back there? CANDI, SHOW PRODUCER: Yes, we are. WINFREY: Candi, who's expecting a baby in three months, and Amy had said to me that their lives have been changed just working with you on the show. So tell us about that. AMY, SHOW PRODUCER: Well, I for one, the moment I talked to Brenda and heard her story ... WINFREY: Amy, you have how many kids? AMY: I have two, who are five and six. And I can't tell you how much it's changed my life, Brenda. It changes how I am in the car when I'm alone and when I'm with them. I slow down, I stop looking at my BlackBerry when I'm there. I think to myself all the time how many times it could have happened to me in a different way. WINFREY: Yeah. AMY: And it could have happened to me. CANDI: I feel the same way. I told Brenda, even coming to work this weekend, I was rushing from the grocery store because I had to cook, and I knew I was going to be here late. And I thought about Brenda. And I said, I gotta slow down. I really have to slow down. WINFREY: Slow down. CANDI: So, every day -- I've thought about you every single day since we've started this process. WINFREY: So already you've changed them. And we have some moms who are watching from home. We'll be back to talk to them. We'll be right back. Slow down. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] FEMALE ONE, CALLER: Hi. I'm calling, because I'm an overwhelmed mom. I question myself as a parent every single day. And the hardest part of it is that I don't feel like I'm getting the joy out of my children that I need to have. FEMALE TWO, CALLER: I had an experience recently where I discovered at 9:00 at night that I had left the fire on underneath the frying pan that I had used at noon. I have to do what I can to keep my kids safe. Finding out that I've done something really stupid that could have potentially put everybody's lives at risk, it's a big wakeup call. FEMALE THREE, CALLER: I am a mother, a college student, I work. I have two young kids at home and just a few weeks ago I threw laundry in the dryer and when I went to take the clothes out of the dryer to fold them, the kitten fell out of the dryer. I had killed my daughter's kitten. I feel terrible about it. It's just one of those things that as a mother, you get so overwhelmed and you can't concentrate. WINFREY: So we set up an anonymous phone line where moms could talk candidly about how overwhelmed they feel and that's just some of what they were telling us. It is overwhelming. It is overwhelming and we're living in a society that tells us, tells mothers in particular that you have to be all things and have this perfect life. Tiffany's a mother of four joining us from her living room in Louisville, Kentucky. So how do you relate to what you're hearing from Brenda here today, Tiff? TIFFANY: I totally relate. I think about all the mental rolodexes that I constantly run through to try and get everything done and tragic accidents have happened. It's very easy that it could happen to anyone. WINFREY: How old are your kids? TIFFANY: I have a stepson that is 20. I have two boys that are 10 and eight, a 3-year-old daughter, and a 2-year-old son. WINFREY: Mm. TIFFANY: And a partridge in a pear tree. WINFREY: And the partridge in a pear tree. And toys in the living room. Very nice. TIFFANY: Yes. WINFREY: And so, when you heard Brenda's story, did you think, you know, you understand how something like this can happen? TIFFANY: Yes. You're running all of the time and I have pulled out of the driveway -- you get to the end of the driveway, you're doing a kid count, and you realize, "Oops, one's missing." And I have run back in the house and my youngest son is strapped in his high chair eating his Cheerios and he's happy. He's completely oblivious, but you know that it could have been further. I could have been on the expressway or I could have already been at my destination. WINFREY: Wow. So -- and this is also from -- she's from Florida. You're from Brandon, Florida? ANISSA: Yes, I am. WINFREY: And you have three children. ANISSA: I do. WINFREY: Okay. And you're joining us from your living room. Thank you. And how do you relate to what you're hearing here today. This is so good. I get to -- for years, y'all have been at home. I couldn't talk to you. Hello. ANISSA: I think it's a tremendously brave thing she's done coming on here and telling all of you her story. I know I relate to her in a very special way, because for me, my life is one overwhelming moment after another. I have a husband who lives 400 miles away. So I'm a single mom three weeks out of every four. I have three children at home as well. I have one, my youngest -- she's four -- who was diagnosed with cancer in 2006. So on top of all of the normal, mundane, overwhelming stuff, I have her incredibly delicate health to worry about. WINFREY: Mm-hmm. ANISSA: It is so easy to get unfocused or to be focused in 10 different directions and that's when these tragic mistakes happen. WINFREY: Yeah. I heard you told the producers you always feel like you could cry at any moment. ANISSA: Absolutely. At night when you go to bed and you calculate what your day has been, the things that you failed to get accomplished, the things that you forgot to do. Honestly, I could cry by 10:00 in the morning most days. But when you go to bed and you realize you were not the mom, the wife, the caregiver you wanted to be, it's devastating. You feel like you have a big red "fail" written across your forehead. WINFREY: Wow. You know, something as I was saying earlier that really struck me was what Brenda was saying about, you know, "Good moms don't do this." Are you one of those moms, too, who feels the pressure to be the perfect mom, whatever that is? ANISSA: Absolutely. I don't know who made the rule that there is this unachievable goal, the mom who has a clean house, has perfectly dressed kids, they never throw a tantrum, your husband's happy, or your life is perfect. And I think for the average mom out there who measures herself by that bar, it is just a constant reminder that you're never quite the parent you should be or could be. It puts more stress on you to do more and in the meantime, you're losing the focus of what's most important, which are your children. WINFREY: Yeah. Being able to be present for your children. We'll be right back. WINFREY: Coming up -- how did your community react? Next, why Brenda says she became the most hated mother in America. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] WINFREY: So did you feel judged by other moms and how did your community react? BRENDA: It was not a positive experience, to say the least. My community was in outrage. I went from being what I felt was a good role model for children, and a good parent, and a good administrator, good teacher to being the most hated mom in America. That's what it felt like. And then I went from that -- and my life was based around my job and my family. So I was the most hated mom and then my staff and principal were wonderful after this happened. But the decision makers in the school district decided they wanted nothing to do with me. WINFREY: You were saying that you think about her every day because? AUDIENCE MEMBER: I think about her every single day. WINFREY: Because you had followed this story? Yeah. AUDIENCE MEMBER: I remember the first time I saw it. I was sitting in my living room with a friend of mine and she was like, "How could -- who does that?" And I said, "You, me." I left my kids in the garage once just this summer. I needed to bring groceries in the house and they had fallen asleep in the car and they're six and eight. And they had fallen asleep and I locked myself out of my car and ... WINFREY: How did you get the kids out of the car? AUDIENCE MEMBER: I had an extra set of keys in the house and I crammed my big butt in this little window about that big and ... WINFREY: What a mother won't do for her children. [LAUGHTER] AUDIENCE MEMBER: My feet were hanging, because the window was high. So, nothing else mattered. I didn't care who saw me or any -- I didn't care how dirty I got, but I did stay calm. And my heart always went out to you. I prayed for you for a long time after that because I know what you must have been going through. WINFREY: So you relate. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, I completely relate. WINFREY: Thank you for sharing that. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. WINFREY: Coming up -- I'll tell you about the day I reached my breaking point and what I did to slow down next. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] FEMALE FOUR, CALLER: I feel like my life is spinning out of control. All I've ever wanted to do was to be a good mom, and I don't feel like I'm doing that. I feel like my children deserve better. WINFREY: Wow. We heard from so many of you moms who say you feel just like that. Norman Fischer is a well-known Zen teacher who wrote a great article in last month's "O Magazine," which last month's "O Magazine" was all about being overwhelmed, when your life gets too busy for you. And he says there's an epidemic of people who are overwhelmed. He joins us via satellite from San Francisco. Hey, Norman, how are you? NORMAN FISCHER: Hi, how are you doing? I'm fine, thanks. WINFREY: I thought -- my producers said -- I said, "Oh, is Norman going to be in the studio?" They said, "No, he takes control of his life and he doesn't want to add another thing under his schedule," so we're going to be... [LAUGHTER] WINFREY: ...interviewing him from -- yay for you. WINFREY: Yay for you. Why are so many people feeling overwhelmed? Not just moms. We understand why moms do feel overwhelmed, because there is this -- I loved when somebody said there's this rule, we don't know who wrote the book, that said that moms had to be perfect and all things to all people. But it's not just moms who are feeling so overwhelmed. Why are we? Mr. FISCHER: Well, we have more possibilities, more expectations. We can do more, so all of a sudden, we expect that we ought to be doing more. We have, I think -- listening to the program and hearing the kind of level of expectation of how all these moms feel like they've got to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, put the perfect meal on the table. We have what it takes now to do all that, so we think we should, and this gets us overwhelmed. WINFREY: So what should we be doing? I mean, I thought that "O" article -- first of all, thank you for doing that -- was terrific. What are some of the things we should be doing if we're feeling overwhelmed, rushed? I wrote in "What I Know For Sure," which I do every month in the magazine, about being this way, and for myself, I just had to take a day. But I understand if you're a mother, you don't have a day to take. But I just had to take a day where I shut down the cell phones and said "Nobody call me unless the house is on fire," you know? Mr. FISCHER: I think that the first thing we've got to do is recognize that, especially as mothers, but all of us, our state of mind and our attitude is our most precious gift that we give to each other. So how are we doing with our state of mind? How are we doing with our happiness? How are we doing with our attitude? And we don't think about this. We think about all of the things we've got to be doing and all of the ways we've got to be perfect, but every day we've got to wake up and we got to say, "How's my state of mind today? Am I losing ground? If I am, I better address that first, because the rest of the stuff I do won't be worth anything if I'm harried and hassled and in a bad mood." And it has to do with telling yourself, "I have got to take care of myself, and I've got to make that a high priority." So, yes, probably it's difficult to get that day that you had. I'm sure it was difficult for you to get it. WINFREY: Yes, it was. Mr. FISCHER: And also difficult for moms and other people to get it. But what you can do is take 20 minutes, take 30 minutes early in the morning. If you can, get up before the kids get up. That loss of 30 minutes of sleep is worth it if you can have 30 minutes absolutely to yourself to breathe, to return to yourself, to digest yesterday's emotions, to kind of take stock of yourself, to set yourself up for the day. Believe me, that amount of time saves you time during the course of your day. WINFREY: Okay. That is true, that is true. I've been doing that for a while now. Just that extra 15 minutes will sort of sets the day. You know, and sometimes I drag myself up earlier just to do that. WINFREY: Now, another thing you say is there's no such thing as multitasking, you know, in a world of multitaskers. Tell me why you say that. Mr. FISCHER: That's right. FISCHER: Well, I got this from my friend Al Kaszniak, who's a neuroscientist and studied this question and found out that in fact, we don't multitask, we just simply switch from doing one thing to the next. So when we say "I'm doing three things at once," we're not doing three things at once. We're doing one thing, then switching, then switching, then switching. So the point is, whatever you're doing, do it. Do it completely, bring your whole attention to it. If you have in your mind that you're multitasking, you're doing three things at once, you're telling yourself that you're not going to be able to do any one of them with any kind of intensity at all. So do each and every thing you're doing with full commitment, once thing at a time. And yeah, if you have to switch from one thing to the next, go ahead and switch, but be present with everything you do. And for moms, you know, the presence of your child can be your number one meditation object. Whenever your child is present, you should say "That's where my focus is going. My full attention, my full focus is going to be with the child." And that way you can use being with the child to wake you up and bring you to presence. WINFREY: Yeah. We'll be right back. WINFREY: Coming up, an overwhelmed mom is standing by on the phone. KELLY: He had the cord from his monitor wrapped around his neck and he was hanging. WINFREY: And later, how this mom on the brink ended up in the emergency room. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] WINFREY: Listen to this confession we recently heard from a viewer at home. Listen to this. KELLY: When my son was nine months old, I put him down for a nap, and I heard him up there playing. And I was just really frustrated, like, "Please, please, please, just go to sleep." And then I heard it over the monitor, a scratching sound, and I knew that sound was not right, but I still didn't really want to go up there, because I really needed a break. By the time I got up there, he was bright red in his face, because he had the cord from his monitor wrapped around his neck and he was hanging from the cord. If I had not been so overwhelmed, I know that I would have gone up there faster, but I just wanted him to go to sleep. WINFREY: That was Kelly, who's a stay-at-home mom from Land O' Lakes, Florida. We have her on the phone right now. Hi, Kelly. KELLY: Hi, Oprah. WINFREY: Why were you so overwhelmed that day? What was going on? KELLY: Well, I was weary. I had not slept through the night in -- he was nine months -- I had not slept through the night in nine months, because he hadn't slept through the night in nine months. I was nursing a lot. He just wasn't a good sleeper. So I was not getting the rest I really needed to function. WINFREY: Yeah. KELLY: I just felt like I could drop at any point if could have shut my mind off long enough to actually do that. WINFREY: And so sleep deprivation is a part of this whole feeling of overwhelm. I know that from myself, too, that, you know, going through menopause, now, I hardly sleep. I'm like three hours or two hours or whatever and it just compounds your feeling of being overwhelmed and you have to really manage your life differently when you're not getting enough sleep. KELLY: Yeah. WINFREY: Tiffany, can you relate? Aren't all moms sleep deprived? TIFFANY: I just cannot recall sleeping through the night, waking up, feeling refreshed and taking a good stretch and saying, "I'm great." That hasn't happened in so long, I cannot remember the last time. I usually pass out with one of my children and wake up to my husband saying, "I haven't slept with you in forever." [LAUGHTER] TIFFANY: So it happens all the time. WINFREY: All the time. BRENDA: You know what's coming out of this, Oprah? WINFREY: What? BRENDA: It's that we are all trying to do this on our own. Moms are trying to do it on their own without, you know, we need to ask our husbands for help. We need to say, "We can't do it all. I need help." WINFREY: So I was saying earlier that Cecilia gets to be the angel for all of us. That's why we're all talking about this, at least outing ourselves on, you know, being overwhelmed. What have you now done differently? I can imagine how your life has changed. BRENDA: My life has changed dramatically. WINFREY: Well, now you don't -- did you get another job? BRENDA: No. I hope that I can, but because of the public outrage that there was in the community, I'm not sure that's going to happen. So in January I enrolled in a program at a university in speech pathology which -- it's a second master's program for me and it'll allow me to get back into education if I can, but also work in maybe a clinic setting or a hospital setting to help children or adults. So I've done that. I am definitely slowing down. Something that was said is about being in the moment with your kids in the car. I just love taking Alison somewhere in the car and just talking to her. "Tell me about your day. Tell me what you did at school. Just talk to me." And I love walking her to the bus and just taking the time to spend with her. WINFREY: And how's your marriage? Because a lot of marriages don't survive this kind of trauma. BRENDA: I'm not going to say it's easy. I'm not going to say it's easy, because I think Gary has been wonderfully supportive and never doubted me for one day when he could have. But we both have the guilt of what could we have done. It's all the what ifs. What could we have done differently? What could he have done differently? What could I have done differently? And now it's, you know, added stress on him being the sole breadwinner in our household and trying to support me going back to school. But we're going to make it through this, no matter what. We're committed to that. WINFREY: Well, Kelly, we thank goodness you're baby is fine. So thank you for calling us. We'll be right back. WINFREY: When we come back, she was trying to multitask during her baby's bath time. Her wake-up call is next. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] WINFREY: Kim, a mother in our audience, says that just three months ago the stress of being overwhelmed landed her in the emergency room. What happened? KIM: Well, it was a culmination of a lot of things coming together, but it was just I reached a point -- I had been working, running my own business, trying to do it without having to have babysitters. So watching the kids during the day, working from 10:00 at night until 6:00 in the morning, completely sleep deprived. My husband and I, we have a special needs child that has been an extremely long, frustrating journey, trying to get the answers. I had just reached the brink of hopelessness, of feeling the lack of control to turn things around and just my mind flooded and I completely shut down and went on to overdose, trying to reduce my anxiety. Took too many and ended up in the emergency room. BRENDA: Emergency room. So, bottom line for this, Norman, is that we need to learn to take care of ourselves. Isn't that it? Mr. FISCHER: That's' it and when we see that we're losing ground, I couldn't agree more, we need to ask for help. And I can't believe that the husbands are not the first line of help. I mean, the husband should be sharing all these burdens exactly equally. It makes no sense to have a husband and not get any good out of him. [LAUGHTER] Mr. FISCHER: So the husband should be sharing this. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WINFREY: Well, I mean, in all the years of doing this show, I've seen the paradigm shift some. I mean, some husbands are more involved than they were 20 years ago, but it certainly hasn't gone to being equal. It really hasn't and for a lot of women ... Mr. FISCHER: Well, it's got to. WINFREY: Well, for a lot of women it hasn't because women don't know how to ask for help. They don't know how to ask for help. Mr. FISCHER: That's what I'm saying. WINFREY: And also think it's their burden and responsibility to carry it all and do it all. Yeah. Mr. FISCHER: All these women are thinking that they've got to shoulder this burden themselves and they feel themselves sinking and sinking and sinking and they should be, as this is happening, they need to look and see, "Wow, I'm not doing well. I've got to get help." Somewhere along the way, you've got to catch yourself and say, "No, I've got to look at what's happening here and change something." WINFREY: Thank you, Norm. I think that's true, what he was saying, too, to be able to say, "I'm not doing well." You know? Mr. FISCHER: Yeah. And not feel ashamed of that. I mean, when conditions are tough, we don't do well and we need to know that, not be ashamed of it and address it. WINFREY: We'll be right back. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC] [MUSIC] WINFREY: Katie. Katie, you're a stay-at-home mom? KATIE: Actually, I have a full-time job. WINFREY: A full-time job. That's right. KATIE: And I have a one-year-old baby and, just like everyone here, I feel like I'm trying to do too many things all the time and I'm always thinking about the next thing. So I can identify with you, Brenda, certainly, but I had him in the bathtub one day and I was actually feeling like I was thinking about him, because I was looking at him, thinking how cute he was and he was having a good time in the bathtub. He was six months old and I was also thinking, "If I could just get my BlackBerry, I could start reading my emails and sort of start to prepare for my day." Now, for me, like at that moment, an alarm went off in my head that was like, "You need to concentrate on what's going on right here in the bathtub, not think about that," but I had the thought that was, "This is how disasters happen. That people are trying to do too many things at once." WINFREY: Well, you're absolutely right. Now, Brenda was nervous to do this show today, because she was worried that she would be judged all over again and I'm really grateful that you decided to come on. BRENDA: This has been a good experience. WINFREY: It's been a good experience. BRENDA: Yeah, it has. WINFREY: And we were just saying, during the commercial break, and we as women people are so guilty of this. You know, I've never been a man so I don't know... [LAUGHTER] WINFREY: ...if men do this, but we are so judgmental of each other and so quick to say what you should have been doing or should have done, when all of us have felt and are feeling the same things. Don't you feel that? BRENDA: Oh, absolutely and we need each other. We all need each other. We need compassion for one another and we need to help each other out. And why we're so critical of each other, I don't understand. WINFREY: Well, thank you for being on. BRENDA: Thank you. WINFREY: Thank you and thank you to our -- hi, Tiff and Anissa, thank you so much and Kelly who called, thank you so much. Norman, thanks for your advice. Normans' new book is called, "Sailing Home, Using the Wisdom of Homer's Odyssey to Navigate Life's Perils and Pitfalls." Thank you so much. Mr. FISCHER: Right, that's it, yes. WINFREY: That's it. Mr. FISCHER: Thank you. WINFREY: Check out our message boards at Oprah.com. We want to continue this discussion online and if any of you moms out there can help us answer this question of why are mothers, in particular, so critical of other mothers when everybody's just trying to do the best they can. I mean, there are, obviously times when people abandon their kids and are, you know, mean to their kids and abuse their kids, but when mothers are all just trying to do the best we can, I think we should network... BRENDA: Absolutely. WINFREY: ...and use the network, you know, to empower ourselves and lift each other up instead of the opposite. I'm going to do a show on that. [LAUGHTER] WINFREY: Bye, everybody, bye. [APPLAUSE]
