An Audience with Dave Courtney (2001)

[Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] ladies and gentlemen please welcome the man that tells it like it is mr dave courney hello first of all is this the [ __ ] suit or what they truthful you know what i mean all the best gangsters are wearing pink this way joe all the best gangsters are wearing pink um cancer research done um oh time how can i [ __ ] look in your mouth for being like it's okay whenever you want right listen my show consists of this anyone wants to know anything about anything at all however nitty gritty you know um and don't waste the first half of the show going oh shall i ask him he might jump up and eat my babies and all that [ __ ] bollocks all right i bet one [ __ ] baby um however nitty-gritty i will fire it back at you in in the proper um yeah right yeah i mean like do you get a hard-on when you shoot someone it depends if you're having a shag at a time as you would but like whatever you want to know um well i'll start a little bit about myself i'm pretty good looking kid you know what i mean i'm from good dancer good shank lying [ __ ] um thanks for coming here tonight i supposed to touch it none of you had to pay was [ __ ] really good wouldn't it makes it look like i'm really [ __ ] important and you all paid 25 quid to get in what a [ __ ] nice guy i must be coming down um i can't really start off by going thank you to individual stars because that way what i would end up forgetting someone and insult them i didn't mean it but in this room maybe not in the normal sense of the word celebrity in my little world there is proper [ __ ] celebrities in this room tonight and i [ __ ] salute okay i'd like everyone to clap the other geezer you don't know where you're done and for joe everyone knows where you're going [Applause] all right um i don't know if you'll know but i've just finished doing a feature film all right the reason i've done that is this i met quentin tarantino right the reason he he makes films so good is because he has got no concept whatsoever of what a criminal's life is like right if any of us try to make a film we'll try and make it as true to life as you possibly can which would most probably make it [ __ ] boring because the criminal [ __ ] what [ __ ] glamour is there in the crime game please stop it you know what i mean you know i mean i might have a nice kind of nice suit but have a look in my fridge how much is in your penny job baldy i mean um and so like the [ __ ] the criminal world needs the media to glamorize crime because crime is not [ __ ] glamorous at all right yeah this little film i've done i had i had problems like no one could have [ __ ] had making a film right no one could have had the problems that i had making this film would have ended up with a proper little masterpiece even if i do say so myself which i [ __ ] have to because i have a kind of has um it's a proper little masterpiece and i you know um the story in it is like the cab drivers are cab drivers dormer doorman the um dirty birds of dirty birds and um i am a nuns i know you know and um and the realism of it is almost like a documentary and a film so you don't know whether you're watching a documentary right this is what action is this is what i think acting is is when us two pretend to do something so well that they believe it all right that's what it is just like if i went to you at three o'clock in the morning knocked on your door me and you and i went do me a favor lee will you [ __ ] explain to her i slept on your city last night because she don't believe me tell her you would without cut through it again a little bit dab make up you would full on flat out give her a proper excuse and my wife would walk away going well thank [ __ ] his left and i'll show you league so i thought he was shagging someone like that's acting right that is acting [ __ ] split second [ __ ] proper and that is the one you know you actually convinced someone of something that never happened but babe where are you i was on this city that is the truth i i actually brought a bit in the carpet i mean um so so there was no scripts for my film which was [ __ ] handy because most people didn't couldn't write and i would turn up on a day and say right this is the scene you know you're a cab driver um you've heard something in the back of your cab you think i should know you come up to tell me i'm giving someone a clump in the front room but it's too late you know it's too important to come back later so you're over and about right that's the scene turn the cameras on action because the cab driver was just playing the cab driver and the cab driver's clothes in his own cab knocking on his own mates door and i would open the door you know he played it [ __ ] excellent and that's what i said a tarantino he went um he wants to buy one chapter out of my book to turn into a film tarantino and i said well of course i play me and he went well you know he said big ears than that um but he don't go in the wind much without [ __ ] tying his leg to the gate um i'm glad someone laughed at that i thought he's the absolute polyps thanks mum mum i love you um so i said to him i want to play me and he went and people would have purse strings ain't prepared to spend 15 million dollars on the film and have the leading exercise someone that ain't a good actor i mean i never said i was a good actor well [ __ ] good dave courtney mate unless you find a better one i'm playing meal go [ __ ] yourself he said he wanted danny devito [ __ ] anyway anyway [Applause] that was a joke it was a joke and um so i [ __ ] decided to come on while he was going like when i think about it right now and i had to go like you know because they are every no one likes to think that they have to put on the front for anyone everyone goes well i am what i am and if you don't like it go [ __ ] yourself all right no one's like that as soon as you're in front of a judge they go hello you know you don't actually see him go hey george go [ __ ] yourself huh and um i had to [ __ ] sort of brown knows a few people when i first started in this film game but i am not [ __ ] doing it no more because they are so [ __ ] fake the celebrity if there's any celebrities in here right [ __ ] i don't give a monkeys all right because there is there is more genuine people that are dormant and criminals and cab drivers prostitutes bank robbers genuine [ __ ] nice funny funny people i'm not saying you've got a guy prison to find him but if anyone's ever been to prison ain't there funny [ __ ] in prison you know in the funniest geeses you've ever met in prison and um i'm feeling right off here i've done them wrong going i'm all going different places so keep keep your thing um uh i have an awful lot of money spent on me by the metropolitan police in surveillance every year right [ __ ] knows why i'm an author and um i swear to god anyway i've got like you know they're spending millions of pounds a year [ __ ] surveillance to me they've got they're on my phones they're [ __ ] following me around in in the [ __ ] cars and motorbikes i bugged my own i took a bug out of my ass about eight months ago um but he just crawled back in [ __ ] oh overall [ __ ] thing like a wood lice and um but i think it was old bill i'm not saying on power but that wood life definitely looked [ __ ] suspect to me so they spend all this money on surveillance like following me around see what i do vet what goes in the paper about me [ __ ] search babysitters when they leave my house you know that proper give me a rough time so when they hear that i'm going to be standing here in the talk of london like just telling everyone everything if i'm silly enough to believe that there ain't a couple in here right which i ain't but i don't know you are do i all right so i'd like everyone to have a serious look at the giza next one and if he is talking into his lapel punch the [ __ ] straight in the mouth from dave please have a serious look because truly with my under my eye in this room there is policeman listening to what i'm saying and right now they're going like that inside they're going [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] and i know you are and i just wish i could pick you out and cut you on stage no i listen i am not a policeman hater all right let stop laughing mate i am not a policeman that's a godzilla's truth i'm not [ __ ] standing up here going i'm glamorizing crying right the truth about dave cortney is this i'm glamorizing dave courtney all right get a load of this [ __ ] all right that is exactly what i'm doing there's a very small bit of my life was crime right very small bit and because it was the most [ __ ] media worthy they've gone dave courtney the criminal i've done [ __ ] loads of other things right uh when i actually got arrested i'm saying that i've got a sense of humor policemen have got a sense of humor right all be it [ __ ] wink but they've got a sense of humor and the funniest thing a policeman ever said to me all right and this is funny i got caught doing 137 on the m25 which is not bad for a go bed js and i was doing 137 and when he pulled me up he's walking towards her car i knew he's going to be no egg he's smiling anyway he's almost laughing i've gone [ __ ] i didn't get in the car he went having trouble getting off the ground were we that's funny yeah i mean didn't stop me punching the concert in the face but it was fun because they're following me around i know that i ain't going to go and take my license off me you know i mean i can drive like a proper [ __ ] and as soon as they pull me i don't know what i say they've caught any pink suit um you know completely lost it out of his face moon walking forward on the roof of the car sage i don't know what i say on the other end but i go let let him run what we should spend three million quid on following him about and i don't need you taking his license off him [ __ ] i don't mean well because i actually know that through trial and error i have now learned to exploit that and you are in there that's going to have to go back and report this and i'm telling you that i know you're going to be going isn't it funny [ __ ] i know that i know that so i am looking for that smile all right and at random i'll just go out there and punch one person in the face and here's the winner and um you know they're bugging my phones i i paid my phone bill for over four years all right what's the point of putting a bug on courtney's phone and then okay obviously he never paid it well [ __ ] else all gone wrong yeah i mean we're following him about we took his license off him saying we're [ __ ] there we bugged his phone and then he didn't pay anything off so they just don't know someone somewhere paying my phone bill toss up thank you very much and that is why i rang australia and i know no one there um the more famous you become for being naughty the less naughty you can actually be right i can't even jump out of my car and [ __ ] whack someone and get in the car and go [ __ ] because they go dave couldn't have done it i see him on the telly i can no longer kick doors down threatening anybody and do the deck legend [ __ ] that was dave courtney you know even if i got back the cloth or i'd much really guess i'm going to go i mean [ __ ] off huh um so the more famous you become for being naughty the less actual naughty you can be so all these famous [ __ ] bad guys actually are [ __ ] whiter than white you know you're gonna have looking tony lambriano's yeah she won't even find a rizzler not without a [ __ ] big glamour puff in it ready rolled top man top man all right prison i said what i think prison is it's the god's honest truth uh you can either sit in prison whoever is that talking on the phone i will punch you straight in the head and turn it into a part of the show right right grass that's how easy it is all right doing various kids you know many's are wrong um present is this you can either sit in prison and waste the uh whatever years you've got in there and just wallow in it and go like why me i'll have another wank or you can actually use it as a learning experience now you ain't going to learn anything people are under the misconception that you go to prison and you come at cleverer because you've learned a load of new crimes that's not it you're locked up in a building with a thousand people that got it wrong you're learning [ __ ] all right except how not to do it right no one in there's going to go listen i'm a top cr i'm a top [ __ ] feeling me how long have you got oh god more than you i'm a top proper propaganda i've got nearly four years oh you've got to be a [ __ ] top one you teach me um but all you're going to learn in prison is how not to [ __ ] do it you know there's going to be a million and all you will do is you walk around all day in prison because it's [ __ ] all happening you're living in a [ __ ] wardrobe 24 hours a day you know what i mean the only thing that's free and nice in prison believe me is a wink that is the truth all right hopefully you can do it yourself and after you've been inside for about three months it's [ __ ] drum dome to you very [ __ ] quickly who is important you are getting two letters mum i love you mum i [ __ ] saved all your letters huh and your wife all your mates seem to be up in too busy why haven't you wrote to me in the last seven years tone oh listen david i've added [ __ ] up to my eyeballs honestly you won't [ __ ] believe it come right left seven years i've been busy anyway i'm living with your wife and your kids and i've took your house in the car anymore um and um and so i think prison is is like a a learning college on life you actually locked away with men and you can learn men's everyone's got a disguise all right i mean is that black is it there he's irish what a [ __ ] disguise sorry patrick in prison you actually learn it because you know a cellmate knows you better than your wife please [ __ ] believe me even if you've only lived with him for a year and you and you're going well that's absolutely bothersome i've lived with my terry for 30 years and i know i met you know shut up babe all right a cell mate knows a [ __ ] man better than any other [ __ ] than any wife possibly possibly could because there is times when you're not with your wife and then whatever it is that you hide from her not that all of us do i mean i do i'm just hoping you're the same as me so i don't look bad um you know in prison because you're with him 24 hours a day you see him frightened anticipating this waiting for his parallel he's got the black gazer after him or family you know his missus has done whatever you know you actually see him for all his uh for 24 hours a day he's actually living in this cupboard with you you know you know what he eats how old his kids are where he's been on he's just sitting in that wardrobe talking for saying talking to some country you don't even like him or anything right um and that's just in a cell on your own it's a [ __ ] all right imagine being banged up and [ __ ] charlie bronson here charlie got something for you maybe it's right in the birdcage you cannot help but feel truly emotional when a cellmate leaves if you've lived with that man he's like uh for not wanting to sound like a puff or anything like because i ain't you know what i mean wow stop it it's so fierce david um i feared right off then was i turned to no tone [ __ ] cell mates yeah and when one actually goes home you well you're in a prison is a very [ __ ] testosterone [ __ ] kind of place you could cry because that is your everything but stuck in your [ __ ] has gone home you know he's seen you upset crying fry and worried read your letters wrote your letters after jamal he knows how often you wank if you're in someone's bunk bed once he wants to have a go you're going like that whether you want it or not you understand me so the [ __ ] curious you keep a semi on and wait until he starts and then try and bang one off while he's doing it before he's uh then go like drop it out i don't wank please [ __ ] stop that i know men get embarrassed about wanking but i am i've come from a long run away because there's been wankers in from my family ever since people had dicks and i'm not embarrassed about it and in prison like i said it's the only thing that's free and nice and i was in a really [ __ ] unusual part of prison called the unit that is very very strange it is um he's a prison within the prison which is designed on paper mommy's built with bricks canyon fingers look on a paper um that is for the 40 most criminally minded criminals in great britain and i was in there thank you very much [Applause] which was like a con because i haven't got a mind i mean and i thought analyze the issue [ __ ] and um and when the cameras in your cell looking at you thinking because you're doing a macho bit and you're looking at the screw in the morning again right [ __ ] and all that you know things and um so you don't actually want to have a wank and let him know you're having a wing so if you're playing tents you're only looking at the camera and you think well i know i'm winking and i'm going like that right and if i do one of them on the side wings with my leg up like that i [ __ ] could take ages and your nerves or get all you get all like a rub thing on your on your finger or you could do the most [ __ ] uncomfortable wank of all which is lie on your stomach bend your bum up in the air so you've got a little bit of a tunnel oh what none of us ever done that no um or you could think whatever i'm gonna do he knows i'm doing it anyway so let him have a look i'm being a little bit of an exhibition when he and i used to bang one off quite often you know knowing they had to write it down they had to go and analyze you so like you know the end thing of my whole prison thing was like courtney wanker i forgot i told him that before i [ __ ] went in as the whiz kicks in [ __ ] hell look at these gums that's gotta be the worst [ __ ] feeling in the world just dropping a couple of grams of wisdom and someone goes you're under arrest and you've got to go no comment i'll tell you a little bit it's not really important [Applause] i reserve the right to mainsign them but i don't want to and i do not intend to use this little platform of mine to volley off people i don't like and i have got a [ __ ] people i don't like yeah i mean okay no i don't want a list but because i'm an author now it doesn't matter i like everyone right and everyone has done anything horrible to me i forgive you i swear to god idiots and um i will not if i don't like someone i ain't going to [ __ ] waste a page in my book going i don't like the current i just won't add him into my book that's a big enough [ __ ] insult and how to hurt someone is just carry on being successful because that [ __ ] cancers them that just gets watched going on the in the old pipe version on the telly and everyone's going who's all right and they're going oh god it's like in piles and someone kick up the eyes of winkle pickers every time i get every time i get in the papers i know there's a little geezer no bigger than prank that um that is not you know who actually [ __ ] it's like rubbing a [ __ ] cheese grater across the end of his knob every time i get in the pictures and the paper right so i'd do anything getting a paper i'd [ __ ] a seal to get in the paper all right uh please believe me it's just that my face fits at the moment with the media so they're going super against her i [ __ ] ain't and i've never [ __ ] said it was i [ __ ] had three thousand fights i ain't done the most bird i'm not the best fighter i'm not the best shot i definitely ain't the most richest i could be the best shag and my baby thank you very much [ __ ] graveler because i'm famous and um but i do know the best fighter and the best shot and the best that you know they are actually in my fire effects in today's world the the i would consider the most important person in the crime [ __ ] syndicate you know that underworld thing is purely for the [ __ ] media that is not it's not a real word right um i'm guilty of [ __ ] using it when i want to and denouncing it when i want to and i'm sorry about that but i won't [ __ ] change because i'm making a few quid when you're a successful villain which means you don't get caught all right you are not getting the experience of how to handle policemen when you're [ __ ] under the insuffocation thing right but you're [ __ ] good at your villainy but when they actually catch you and say right you know you're 45 years old you never had your collar felt like you're under arrest for the first time you are then in a realm where you are [ __ ] new at something and competing against these two guests in the interview room that are [ __ ] doing it all day every single day seven days a week for the last eight years all right and they will [ __ ] trick you and back you know it don't matter how clever you are you think you are with your tongue all right the fact what you miss is this all right they are [ __ ] good at doing [ __ ] interviews and we'll set you up with three or four like you know um questions beforehand and then you get this little oink like most 16 year old kids today he's in and out of playstation all the time [ __ ] setting lights of like tramps and [ __ ] um [ __ ] you know bits of path and [ __ ] breaking into cars with people stealing them and all that well and um and because i've been in and out of play stages of life and most probably learnt by [ __ ] getting stung a few times what happens when you go in prison you learn a thousand things not to say and call a thousand things not to do on the job a thousand things not to say to the couple when you need you because everyone's in there going how long you got hey what are you in for whatever you know um bank robbery uh why did you get caught gloves so you think [ __ ] hell i'll always wear gloves i'll never take my phone with me i'll check for the [ __ ] cameras i'll [ __ ] try getting injured man so you learn a little bit off of all of them if they had to learn all them little bits they've got one bit that's good they just got the other nine that [ __ ] up no i mean getaway driver cool of course [ __ ] it [ __ ] it next time um but if you're clever can't you can sit back and just pick out the [ __ ] you want to learn so you have learnt every single thing not to do because that prick is in there drumming it into every day yeah they can't me what i'm saying is this you've got to you've got to understand that there is good baddies and there is bad goodies and the fact that someone's got a shaved head and a lot of pink suit and a lot of big mates tonight you know it doesn't necessarily make me bad to the core i am but you know you can't just pick it all right and just because he's got a policeman during the fourth one does not necessarily mean everything he says is gospel right uh i can i can explain this like this when i had 20 blokes working for me i could vouch for their behavior even if i weren't now if they'd done something wrong i would [ __ ] jump to their defense even if i didn't know what it was about because that geezer wouldn't [ __ ] disrespect me as if he's out as my ambassador when i had 500 keys working for me often i didn't know the other half i wouldn't have in a club if i owned a [ __ ] club but i needed the giza so you know is that the same as a police force it doesn't matter they don't have to be so tall [ __ ] it have a little placement all right and that test is a bit odd make them right you know so you can now actually end up with a divi [ __ ] you understand what i mean right the way that works it out but it don't have to be so clever what does it take you're under a rest we found this key in the boot of your car um so and because it happened to me when i had a big company it's got to happen to the police force and there is policeman out there that shouldn't be [ __ ] policemen if i hadn't have had been nicked in my life i'd have a clean record and i could go and join the police force [ __ ] you now inspector courtney hello hello got any drugs any chance of a shag um and that's all i'm trying to do and i've been involved in a world where i've bribed an awful lot of policemen and um i think they're bollocks you know i'm afraid i'll come from an era that uh embraces different [ __ ] methods to get things done you understand what i mean and where maybe before in um after a war era right which is what the 60s and the craze and and the word gangster terminology comes from it comes from a set of oh shut up [ __ ] i can throw a knife from you will someone hit him no i don't handle hair clothes i was only joking i would carry on somebody never said it all right someone get his address um sorry and um so they have forced they have forced a certain way of life into the whole of the [ __ ] community and because the policemen think long term and the criminal only thinks of tomorrow that is long term for the criminal they will always beat you and um they will go like just for instance because i [ __ ] you know i've bribed an awful lot of policemen i've learned a lot of their little tactics which has made me want to for a living go around the [ __ ] world stand on stage and say this is what they're doing to you all right if they said on the telly right i want to [ __ ] bug everyone's car in the country so i can prop a suit in it have you got it i'm sitting down now um you know if i want to bug everyone's uh car in the country we would all go [ __ ] off mate no invasion of privacy and all that so what they do is this they go we've invented an anti-theft device which we hide on your car which you don't know where it is when you buy it and if anyone ever nicks it we can turn it on and find out where it is and you go thanks how much extra is that [ __ ] you know what i've got to be going on 30 quid and then in five years time they're gonna say well the insurance companies have earned so much [ __ ] save so much money by getting all these cars retrieved we're gonna make it compulsory on the mot and on the [ __ ] mot comes compulsory a bugging device that you don't have to have your car nicked i can just turn it on and go where did lee go today oh dave right so and because they've done it long term they completely [ __ ] you and that is what they have done to the nation where the informant is concerned right they've just had a whole country grow up with military [ __ ] you know i actually like the military not me personally i like other soldiers marching in that i know i like i liked that [ __ ] um camaraderie ship and the [ __ ] you know the little england beating the rest of the world i like to i'm a [ __ ] great fan of winston churchill all right little fat bull geez the smokes are guys drunk brandon coach good talker couldn't have a route right but whatever he [ __ ] said that made a little country like england go let's go and [ __ ] chat the rest of the world eh i mean he's got a [ __ ] winston churchill you're out of bullets and um i said to my wife i've sort of walked around and summer's trying to get all sexy in there when i had a fringe i said everybody have a look around here pick any vibrator you want anyone you can have it you know i'll have that red one i said that's a fire extinguisher you can't [ __ ] take the fish um okay now i've just said a joke so i forgot again sorry joe women i could talk about women all day plus shagging his [ __ ] without him you know what i mean [ __ ] hell women they're just um um thank [ __ ] they have got that sort of clever for one of a better word conniving you know long term smiley get what you want down to actually go can i have that new dress by two by two by two we wouldn't even think of them in there and um it's just lucky that you know that the birds ain't got the actual bronze because we've got a i can [ __ ] sneak it up behind me you [ __ ] you know he's gonna do [ __ ] ninja on you um what i'm saying is um i don't know what i'm saying make the kick the wizard's kicked in i want to dance for [ __ ] like anyway just have a gig i'm up now i farted you never heard it and i'm walking around i absolutely forgot someone help me what was i talking about women women yeah um just say for instance god forbid one of you any of you are drug dealers oh [ __ ] cows um you know someone come around your house and go look it's a score's worth of puff dave you go yes i've only got 15 quid you'll go i'll take that and [ __ ] kiss the five relationship let him try and do that real misses when you're not in i've only got 15 quid oh [ __ ] off and they get the job done and all of a sudden he finds the other fiver you'd be like waiting for it i can't really argue for a fiver but i could do a bit you know what i mean i could [ __ ] do a load of them as you have a big black bag of them be nice and and your missions would go like well then you go home and smoke belly button fluff [ __ ] see you later because you ain't getting 20 quid you have a puff of 15 quid huh and you know that and at the end of the week you're doing the accounts and you think well you do that better than me you know and and it's a very sort of leanderfeld way of thinking that because we have got the brawn we are in charge [ __ ] off please all right please please please and and the old and um the older way of thinking was the bigger the nastier the best fighter was the governor that is not the way it really is he's not the way he's in a millennium year right especially not in my house and the time i turned into a muslim that's quite a funny one i actually i actually was once a genuine muslim my prayer met beads and all that nothing against mudlands is it right but you are the most dangerous as soon as someone gets really good at killing people they go i'll be a muslim all right the qadhafi's muhammad ali's tysons as soon as i get really good at [ __ ] urging someone to go being muslim right so if there's any muslims muslims in here i like you i think you're great greedy [ __ ] you know i mean spiteful and um i actually comes out for the last meal of the day in prison i'm queuing up to get my little bacon sandwich or whatever it is and it's that black guy in front of me now every every black gizzy bash up says he's a yardy every chinese blokey bash up says he's [ __ ] can do kung fu every pad he says he's in the ira and uh every black guy you know he's a yarder yeah i don't know how many yards around you know i mean they just ain't and um a real one is a very [ __ ] frightening person and i'll tell you why uh you have to let it enter your edge before you kill someone that i could actually get 15 years for this it must enter your head all right but it don't a yadi because he goes well if they catch me i'll just get deported if they catch me killing that geezer they're going to send me to jamaica what a [ __ ] you know i mean i'll have to do two years there and then come back and get another one so that is why they're so [ __ ] brave right you know if there's any ideas in here i like you and um once the safety net has gone off well i might actually get caught and go prison for this they all of a sudden turn into very brave [ __ ] animalistic people anyway what i was getting to is this [ __ ] geezer was the idea in prison his name was rocky uh ricardo rico rico got there in the end if you're in here i like you um and he got a lot of sandwiches pointed milk apple and all that and i thought [ __ ] you know he's got a lot there's giza must be frightened of him i said i'll have that please you went nice ramadan i said y'all have ramadan must be some greek thing you know i mean like a [ __ ] pest or something so i went no no i remember damn he's a muslim i said i'm muslim he said you ain't [ __ ] muslim calling he says on your card there's a church of england i wanna hold it [ __ ] i said when he was battering me around the airport with big sticks i remember you going what's your name where'd you live no one went what religion are you i would have remembered that was able to freak me right out bam bam bam you're catholic right you know and you've put catholic and all of a sudden i've never eat [ __ ] gear because you ain't put the right [ __ ] thing down you know what i mean don't [ __ ] around my religion all right or a strike you down so he goes all right courtney so it's a proper big [ __ ] problem now and if i can just cause him a problem in prison anything even if you can make him trip up you go one nil any [ __ ] thing anything all right and um i'm now got a proper [ __ ] problem going if i'll go over to the kitchens get some food back and all that something yeah so i've got me [ __ ] food i didn't know what i was i just thought it was a big dinner called ramadan huh i'll come from peckham for [ __ ] sake right you don't have ramadan you pekka huh um you don't even have a car and um some [ __ ] eats all this thing and the screw comes around at two in the morning bangs michelle don't wakes me up turn the lights on [ __ ] you know what he went it's two o'clock thanks [ __ ] off you know i mean stop it back to bed and already push some little mat under my door i thought it was like a a a a blanket for a doll it's a prayer mat the prayer man i just always taken a piss you know look it's something to cover your toe up [ __ ] five o'clock in the morning [ __ ] lights on again banging on the door i went why when it's five o'clock i said something but you'll watch your prick i mean i don't give a [ __ ] he went no no ramadan i thought i remember that word all right seven o'clock in the morning i'm up getting me breakfast queuing up all eight of us because you're only eight if you're in this thing give me thing the rdd i'm going what quan bacon sandwich no you mean no bang sandwich please we're on ramadan i'd rather damn yesterday i want a bacon sandwich today you know what i mean no no you have ramadan for 28 days so i still didn't realize it what it was because it was the last meal i had so i still don't know you can't eat all day what the [ __ ] is that about how you get a fat muslim i [ __ ] don't know why because they are starving have you ever been on a prison visit well you can't have nothing and you misses having the tea to coat the crisps the [ __ ] cherry cake and you're going stop eating it babe i'll drive you have an affair and to eat and have a mars bar all right [ __ ] me mate just don't eat another marshmallow in front of me and i'm [ __ ] starving i went down to about two stone as i am all right and um so then he can't eat in sunlight hours even when i turned the light out they wouldn't let me and that's all people kept walking past me saying all day we've got sandwiches going [ __ ] me the pork's nice dave [ __ ] size of that chop it's like a [ __ ] rizzler that's a nice soya bean pie and um i was [ __ ] i was really starting that was the first time i'd experienced eating my own toenails you're laughing but they're full of nutrition no and so for 28 days i didn't eat anything and i'm [ __ ] starving and i was so sick of apples and [ __ ] um you know and then the next hour now listen i'm not actually a muslim you know i'll i'll just say that i'll give you sandwiches no you are muslim you told me it's not a mistake you are done you are muslim there is your prayer mat we will be waking up at two and five so you don't miss prayer dave because you luckily told us he was a muslim thank you all right so all right good then i'll be a muslim right [ __ ] it i'll go and i'll jack an airplane get you know um i know i never actually hijacked an airplane and so that was when i was when i was a muslim in prison um whatever you want to know ask me something hollywood i've only got actually listen to hollywood or kenz come on huh well cairns let me do cain's one because this is [ __ ] wicked right this is wicked i mean you are forgive for [ __ ] falsely believing i am a flesh gun you will be completely forgiven for that but from the horse's mouth yeah i am a flash [ __ ] and cairns is in my eyes the biggest arena for the best and most expensive and financially backed show-offs in the world right cairns is where they're going get that rock look at that yacht seeing the helicopter panned [ __ ] 80 million pound film and all that right well i promise you with my hand and my arch all right that when i went over there with my [ __ ] abandonment and i [ __ ] ripped cans apart i [ __ ] stole the show with no [ __ ] famous actors apart from selling kids and i love you you're a god all right um i've actually got a blob oliver just in the room just looking at me right it's funny ellen you're finding out london's burning wonderful um and um what was i talking about just veered off then so can say all right all right [ __ ] hell nick stop it i'll have a challenge worth whatever you've had yeah so can so when we get here the paparazzi because i ain't [ __ ] used to it in such mega falls they actually walk around cairns like vultures they've got their camera in their hand and they're looking for santa a picture if they're gonna do i'm thinking like that's a [ __ ] dream for me i do love a camera all right [ __ ] they'll stop it honest i don't stop don't know all right so like there's a massive big crowd around this skies and i couldn't see who he was and so we pulled up on the other side of the road i got 45 of my best friends all dressed in black suits i just happened to be in a white one i don't know how that got mixed up but he made a [ __ ] wicked photo and i'm sitting on a harley davidson right with a [ __ ] diamond studded knuckle duster with 40 of my mates around going we're doing it for england right and it was at that moment i came and um all these [ __ ] crowds of people that was around somebody come running over and all running across it's like like they're going to beat you up they'll you're all banging and going [ __ ] what's all this battle stations back range fire front range and so they've all come running over and taking pictures and listen my little spiders [ __ ] grew for me that day right they actually all grew into that russell [ __ ] what's his name russell crowe all right oh you all got that crow good well done 10 points um russell crowe let me tell you he came over to talk to me i did not know he was all my mates are in the italian happened in front of my mum and my wife russell cross my autograph how [ __ ] horn is that [Music] i just [ __ ] wish i could write i really wished and the truth is i did not know who the [ __ ] geezer was because without a leather skirt and a sword in each hand and a few dead christians aren't about he just looked like a little geezer to me with jeans and a t-shirt so i'm going right uh would you put your moniker on this sir i don't know where monica signed ooh too and then mates are going russell [ __ ] on russia i'm really sure i did not mean that disrespectful truthfully excellent [ __ ] film i said but where you're going wrong here mate as a joke all right he's already on paper all them all in people in the film gladiator i made you actually look the bullets i actually helped you look the absolute bullets and you did a little box top all right but now you're out here getting your pat on your back and all your accolade you come here and you come out and you're only coming all right you know and i've brought my gladiators and who looks the bullets today mate you know i mean and they all [ __ ] turned into spiders in front of my very eyes actually when i'm spikers and then john went look all this portuguese as well huh what else you want to know ask me something else how's my life affecting my kids yeah um and the truth is this right i know this is really [ __ ] um cocky to say and i can't actually prove it to most of you but the other after actually no i'm saying is the truth please tell the person next year as long as that ain't a copper i have been gifted with six of the best behaved kids you could possibly possibly imagine right all right that is the gods on his trip i'll tell you why i tell you what i live my life larger than life indoors and outdoors not just a criminal thing all day long i'll have a [ __ ] hell of a day gun shopping in sainsbury's i'll [ __ ] make an event of it and if he was a kid lived across the road from dave courtney i could you could be um um forgive for going i'd like to be dave all right you couldn't keep up with the bird i got in bed i forget that but yes they see the big kind of nice clothes and a nice house and all that but my kids have sat at the end of the bed for me while i had a bullet hole in me they have stood outside a courthouse waiting for me to get 20 years they have been dragged out of [ __ ] bed by policemen with guns on numerous occasions and eldostage by a [ __ ] spanish [ __ ] gangsters with machine guns and all that well i was [ __ ] taking my misses on a second honeymoon and i mean and this is an uzi baby um so they've had all that and they do not need to be told this ain't the right way to go all right they do not need to be told you know um and i'm lucky enough that i've done after i haven't out of all the six that i have none of them are naturally going that way and i really believe this and all you are born naughty you are born naughty you cannot go no green areas would play on you know no [ __ ] there's a council state so i robbed post offices there was no milk for [ __ ] like in schools so i kill people you know you can't actually say that right and do good as we'll go through the prison service trying to find an excuse for something even if there ain't one there you know they'll go poor [ __ ] rapist he's not a prisoner he's ill he's ill it's a sickness you all right you wanna um anyway tarantula you know what dave now now you've established yourself as an actor and you have what your plans for the future uh i'm going to do the first things first i'm going to do that one post office in william street because that's been invaded no no no listen it's been evading me for [ __ ] months you know i mean little pakistani guys are going no i'm not telling you the number i can't i mean [ __ ] stop it you're only seven star i've bounced you whatever shot no telling you it's not even his money no take the curly wallies i want the money you [ __ ] [ __ ] you know i mean i'll shoot you i don't get out [ __ ] hell all right i'll have the curly woolies but i'll be back for you gun and what i'm going to do in my life is now i'm going to hollywood whether they like it or not and like i said earlier on um your enemies you can hurt them by being successful the police are now looking at me going because very soon there's going to be big pictures of dave courtney down the street like that right and there and all policemen have kids and you've got to look at this scenario because it must happen the policeman's sons will be going dad dad can i have money for dave's film dad dad i have money [ __ ] off please [ __ ] off all right and um i get off on that you actually get 50 times more for pretending to rob a bank on film than you did by robbing it and the keys aren't shooting your back only goes bang nothing comes there's a wig you know what i mean and for people that are genuinely naughty people which have to be the best [ __ ] actors in the world [ __ ] known actors like you know i have a very healthy respect for the people that are in my new [ __ ] chosen [ __ ] profession right but i'm better than them because i have actually actually i've had to go not to guilty your honor and prove to these 12 people that i wasn't and i was all right that's [ __ ] actually not can't do it again a little bit more make up bear light on that's written no you can't do that and criminals are the best actors in the world and ad libbing is the best gift that god can give you right at living because when the giza goes you're nicked you've got to turn around and go and hit him with a [ __ ] story that six months down the line is going to get you not guilty ad libbing is everything right he said everything tell us about world crap and in portsmouth dave about what will clamping uh portsmouth while i was on a location in portsmouth this is a pitch i forgot that one thank you well i was in portsmouth i've got 80 of my friends in this [ __ ] little hotel middle of winter no one's in it all down for a big shoot out in this submarine breakers yard that i found right you just walk in that place and go wow i was like james bond i had 80 of my mates running around with crumbies and oozies going [ __ ] wicked all right now a lot of these people didn't actually get on with each other they all got on with me but they didn't actually get on with each other i didn't know that and i've gone right through a whole scene and i've got in front of everyone right this is the bit where you come across here and you shoot him and he goes he goes hold it hold it dave wait a minute so he ain't [ __ ] kidding me ain't [ __ ] shooting me i know it's only a film you've got you're lost to he ain't [ __ ] shooting me he's got a shooter there's a bit in the field all right he shoot me in the back five times oh [ __ ] you know listen you gotta shoot him in the back and wrong [ __ ] sake you know what i mean shoot someone you know and um while i was at this place in uh portsmouth we've gone to a nightclub not realizing it all shut at two o'clock and we've come outside and all of our cars are [ __ ] clamped up there's 35 cars all clamped up and these two young 18 year old still doing it going another 12th grade for me another 12 quid for me right so like because we're all [ __ ] got guns down there and all that a couple of the stupid people actually brought him out with us in the evening and i think that's atrocious and the only reason i don't is because everyone else was and i didn't want you to feel left out all right and so the young kid's working away and this [ __ ] geezer comes out and gets a big automatic albeit [ __ ] fake and went let's take it off [ __ ] kids going and that one and that one and that one i'd say he's [ __ ] taking all his fingers i'm really really sorry mate i'm really sorry man we're all laughing going out [ __ ] say that you see a little pompy gun all right so he gets back he'll get us in that car goes back to the hotel six o'clock in the morning and all that [ __ ] houses get raided uh-huh but we're all at the hotel so they're a woman again a bit of it [ __ ] serves your rights or ringing okay what the [ __ ] it was happening i've got a priest kicking the door now huh but um i've got to tell you one little comment i was having a party in the suite in the hotel right and and these these um these hotel people were really really funny they'd never seen anything like it six foot [ __ ] cases around bullet holes bulletproof vests and guns over our shoulder going where's the where's the canteen all right anyway we're all [ __ ] having a little party let's go i've got one gigs are going around called eddie he's about six two smothered in tattoos at the time i'm talking about he had pants on flip-flops a shoulder holster he was whizzing it was after two in the morning everyone had gone to bed and he was looking for something to have a chat with like walking around the hotel corridor again all right so he's bumped into the nightboard a little 17 year old kid he's gone like listen you know what is what happened i'll come out in the morning to go to work the manager comes over because mr courtney said i've got a little problem i said what's that he went um i know for a fact that you ain't actually you know you're [ __ ] barks worse than your bite he said but we've got a young man in there traumatized he said he was held at gunpoint last night by one of your friends and ordered to get a baguette i want prawn i wanna put his gun in the fridge he's locked i want [ __ ] brawl all right he wants to go to the police and go like you know there's a [ __ ] seven foot tahoe skinhead running around the hotel with a shoulder holster and flip-flops going i want a prom baguette [ __ ] little bit of nick in for tripping and um so that was that was really really funny down there and um go dave welcome to the um renault and the tank [Music] [ __ ] off i'm not exactly um what i've done is this somebody oh where is he [ __ ] the geezers in here i've got to tell you i see an awful lot of brave things in this little criminal [ __ ] thing maybe not as many as you would all like to think but i see some brain things right but this geezer that the for no other reason then he's got to be the famous [ __ ] in the world i said right i need someone to drive that car head on into this chieftain tank all right they weren't all going me me me me i've got to tell you all right because the geezer in the tank couldn't actually it could run over this car but as long as it went in the middle of the tracks so i went right that's all you got to do i've got someone drive into the tracks and when they stop this tank because it's 1940 it takes three foot to stop so as you hit the tank the thing goes right up to the window and stops and then you get out anyone want to do the job all right [ __ ] the queue was miles long i do i do i do anyway this [ __ ] nutter who's in this room today i've got to tell you the bravest thing i've ever seen he [ __ ] drove adam into a moving tank all right no is that why you ask me questions i'll tell your story again [Applause] but anyway he really helps out because he got killed in my film all right i think he died so well that we killed him in another place of the film with a hood on a professional diet you know he could actually like get a new job dying all over the place um and actually um it was charlie breaker we was at the aquarium the aquarium nightclub doing a shoot in the afternoon we got 40 blokes down there all sort of turned up at the aquarium parked outside walks in with guns over their shoulders and someone has rung the police with short hair blue eyes and a pink suit and said i've just seen courtney and his boys [ __ ] going down to the aquarium and it looks like someone's going to get killed because they always had guns over their shoulder so i've got all the cameras set on all the fire escapes like catching them uh for when the police raid the place and um my mate penny he was just coming to do a bit of filming he ran up outside he went dave i don't know what the [ __ ] you're doing in there we've got geezers out here running around with all mattresses [ __ ] red dots all over the place helicopters they're coming in there after he said no i'm not coming in so you know do what you got to do i went [ __ ] excellent i'm going listen everyone this is going to be a road all right and we're going to catch you on telly and have it prime time six right news for my film free and the police being the obliging [ __ ] they are come [ __ ] straight in on cue call someone on camera and uh if you ain't laughing at one of my jokes love i beat you up and that was our first [ __ ] advert and we've actually nicked bits of publicity from um um all different little sort of little methods now the police when you're making a film there's so much [ __ ] red tape if you want i mean you can do it properly and you can take out the insurances and go and hire a professional stunt man i don't know what the [ __ ] a professional stunt man would have charged me to drive head-on into a tank and what insurance is here wanted right he got a cup of coffee in a bacon [ __ ] roll mate um i want to know if this film becomes successful will you be making any will you be making any more yeah actually what's happened is this it's already he's going to be successful i hope he's dead right the film's already successful baby is it is actually a phenomenal way to happen it's been on the front pages of all the papers in the continent everyone in america is going [ __ ] mental about it it's so realistic it's like a docufilm all right and they've already offered me a million and a half to make hell to pay two and i'm thinking [ __ ] i can't actually make el to pay two because i've killed everyone i've killed everyone off in it right and to make it as good as i wanted it to i'd want most of these people back in it so what i'm doing is i'm doing that it's [ __ ] gorgeous ladies and gentlemen even the wives have got forgive those who are looking at her bum and um and so what i'm doing is i'm going to do something called a prequel which is the year before that what led up to that so we're all going to go and make another film and i've learned to make it on a [ __ ] 10 i let alone a million and a half all right you know how they value a film is they freeze frame it say once one one one frame of our film is 300 people dancing away in a ministry and i'll go and say hello to fabio and groovy writer the dj's they're freeze frame that they say right that scene cost we've done the mash we've done the monster maps i was working in the lab um sorry about the hand and um like you know they would work it out and they would go well higher of the ministry come to under a g 300 people's [ __ ] days wages coming off [ __ ] grand age to make up the costume for that the two-star djs cost that much you know the [ __ ] cameraman and they'd work out 350 pound 350 thousand pound that scene let me go to the next scene that scene cost me niche i rang around the club and we're filming it tomorrow sweet dave around that 300 mates you want to be in my film yeah wear a nice suit gun all right bring a sandwich or your staff fabian groove rider how much you want to give me i'll let you be in a film all right um so there was my saying they looked it went where's the 350 thousand pound scene 300 people doesn't mean cost me that and if you honestly believe that i really did buy the rolls-royce and the mercedes that i blew up i've retired i'm an author yes i did i spent ten thousand pounds on mercedes and blew it up but all of the cars i blew up strangely had a quarter light broke i couldn't [ __ ] believe it almost as if they were stolen hey we've got a question a question from howard don um we know you've been in some frightening situations and i'm sure you have been what's the most frightening situation you've ever been in can you tell us crawling through my loft to put the telly area out and coming face to face with a very very large eight-legged [ __ ] uh something that spielberg should have made a [ __ ] film of it was actually standing on four legs and with the other four legs it was going come on wanker come on that is the truth i threw an old football boot at this spider and it threw it back at me caught me in the eye his name was terry he said all right spiders i'm afraid [ __ ] do it for me just like you know some if you live in hampstead right black guys [ __ ] intimidate you because you just don't steer them into hampstead oh waguan yard um right and if you live in brixton black guys don't don't fry on you and if you live in a farm frightened you know you wouldn't be flying a spiders but i felt that's where i lived i'm absolutely terrified of spiders they they make me feel sick i can't even pick it up i can't even it's like all right it's [ __ ] awful that was the most terrifying experience of my life apart from that joey paul told me off once about three months ago that was um that was another trip down to mars suspenders knew why france please there weren't well how'd you lose the bike in cairns oh let's all laugh at me losing harley oh listen this will crack cracker up i lost the knowledge david's having 19 grand and it weren't mine it wasn't insured because it was in france and i've got to pay for it who's at cafe de paris right proper [ __ ] lagging we went to see gangster number one huh and um and dave first then went in so we went to see you know we went to see gang's number two right i went to the game and then it was going on to for your eyes only i think and um none of us [ __ ] knew where it was so proper proper pissed and i wasn't seeing double i just wasn't seeing [ __ ] all blue and left what the [ __ ] happening here and he got on the back of my motorbike no crash helmet ugg to me with his legs he's a big [ __ ] strong easer and he's got his arms right around me and i i think i got from here to the club in one breath because i couldn't suck in he's going to make it on dave i'm trying to turn the steering wheel and um and you've got big [ __ ] you've pushed that right in where you don't remember that remember and i drove 30 miles with him into pissing down the rain out of harris on an ollie davis removed that man and i'm very proud to say we got there alive didn't we skin alive oh listen tenerife get this one right i went to tenerife last year and i took a hundred and fifty of my mates with me half of them are in here all right and the custom scooter said to us as well he's entering it he went mr courtney said you do realise that people [ __ ] invaded countries were listening this all right and not one geezer in the whole week 150 of us were walking along the prom when timeshare mate not one [ __ ] said you wonder about watch [ __ ] oh right you know normally in general if you are looking for a space just to put a [ __ ] baby nappy right he was walking down the [ __ ] sea front me kids push chair 150 bodybuilders i mean at their head which was a touch all right we [ __ ] found loads of space mate we had [ __ ] whole beaches the actual drug dealers wrong i thought this is a true story all right the actual drug dealers wrong so i said mr courtney is what i said he said you don't know me he went but i need to know when you're actually going home if it's all possible um so why is that was there a problem he went oh yeah there is really he said because you know we're [ __ ] going skimp mate kids are [ __ ] starving he said there's no [ __ ] going to get a veronica strip with a [ __ ] pocket full of charlie with your mates you know uh have you got any charlie mate yeah give me it tell us about the time you blew joe's car [Music] i said sorry though didn't i i borrowed um listen is this it imagine it's like borrowing god's chariot and the will falls off you know i mean how'd you go like uh god no um i'll borrow joe's car i'll go and see someone i've been derby and we're [ __ ] flying up there lee was driving it was nothing to do with me and he never checked the oil um and i don't agree with grass indeed but you know if i'm not trying to cause any troubles absolutely if i could do a major and i know his address later um so we're flying up to [ __ ] derby we get something i've been up the night before so i [ __ ] took another grams of wish or someone spiked me with it and if i find out who did spite me with that whiz i would give them a ten and move in with them because it was [ __ ] wicked huh and so by the time i get to this prison visit the poor [ __ ] cow didn't stand a chance again right now i'm [ __ ] telling jokes and all that and so we come out um and we're in derby and i was actually running for lord mayor at the time which is very surprising because i don't run no [ __ ] where i'll get cabs and um all i had in the car was 20 000 vote dave courtney for lord mayor stickers one books if they've caught any books and um an assortment of knuckle dusters gas and [ __ ] bits and pieces so we broke down i'm doing about 100 he was lee was doing about lee was i didn't even want to get in the car funny enough i said lead he'd stop it stop him slow down slow down he went flat he's got loads of cars [ __ ] large man so like he's flying down the moat well i'm saying slow down slow down like you do in joe's car um and i was using the ashtray and everything lee wasn't and um if i'm doing about 110 miles an hour and a [ __ ] thing went bang not the con rod came through the side of the engine the comrod came through the side of the engine the wing and [ __ ] flew into the [ __ ] like the bank i'm going got a proper problem early i mean goggles on we're going in hard so i thought well i can't see a garage but we've got such a good roll on us at 90 miles an hour i thought [ __ ] it you know i put it in neutral i'm still overtaking people [ __ ] engine was [ __ ] flashing them and all that they're going ain't that quiet for a vauxhall huh and lee going foul anyway garage comes inside this is the godzilla show that might sound like unbelievable but a spaceship came down and took us away so we've rolled into this garage park's right in front of this garage so he actually thinks we've drove there pulled up in front of this like a little workshop got out all right recognise me any mclean no um so we're in this garage and he went like you know well could you have a look at the car have you got anything here for sale he went no so it's just a petrol pump i said i've got that car there he went but it's my own motor i bought it off a punter um last week he's haven't really went [ __ ] all the engines proper [ __ ] me by the time he's got to that i've somehow mangled to get out that i was running for a little bit here's my book my name's dave courtney and ever you know would you like me trying to post a few kids taught me signing your kids okay i'll eat your kids [ __ ] it so um he's now going okay and i ain't totally got no money on me i said how much do you want for that cash how much for that why are you well i can't really sell it that was how i'm getting home i went listen [ __ ] me i'm [ __ ] 200 miles away from home i'm f i can't knock you i'm running for lord mayor for [ __ ] sake you know i mean it's not i'm not going to pay you i'm going to be the next lord mayor just go dave where's the money for the renault now you've got a rolls royce and a cat and a chain and all that and so um so he's done this deal and i'm [ __ ] sitting there loading up the was loading up the rena oh you want the glory of that as well so he wasn't driving no lee wasn't driving i was driving he was loading and i was watching yeah [ __ ] off anyway after lee had [ __ ] broke the boss's [ __ ] car skived out of [ __ ] loading all my vote day for lord mayor flies into the thing it ended up with a couple of them in the skis around the carriage and he went right you know i've loaded all the car up we stood the radio out and all that and he went we lost a thousand pounds i said right splendid i said um what you gotta do is this when you drop the this broken car to my house i'll take this car oh you're a thousand pound i ain't gonna knock you out i'm [ __ ] lord me you fall look at me trust me i'm lord mayor and um so he let me drive out of his and we we just looked at each other it was like [ __ ] falling in love when it was joke about yourself i can't believe i've done it 20 minutes later with a brand new car full of petrol 20 bench and all of my all the load meter flyer stickers intact we drove out and got into the microwave and he went to me that was funny when it that was really really funny you tell me when your new film's coming out at london please and what um where did you buy a nice pink suit cancer rich i made it baby you should have seen it when it was a curtain i've actually been wearing the pelmet all day as a hat paul calls and one leg comes up man i actually took um i actually took cherry turbo to a suit shop because he likes all my suits all right and i went where's he got that one he went am i 800 quid he went [ __ ] that i don't know what about that one he said 600 quid here i can't [ __ ] fall down either so what about that one said there's 400 quid he said i can't [ __ ] fall that dave so he said that the manager excuse me he said would you just show me the cheapest suit in the shop you got terry a mirror he actually walks into a shop he went you've got anything to fit me and the governor went if we have the [ __ ] taylor set all right i love you i think your body perfect [Music] who watches all the best programs right um did anyone see trisha the other day and she a nice woman what a lovely woman not fair i mean she um she proper steamed into me the other day she actually grabbed out of my message on telling when how can you deliver your murderer why do you live with that man i'm thinking that's a [ __ ] proper question isn't it i'm trying to think of an answer but it's my message when because he's a good shag and that actually like diffuse the situation listen the fact that she lied has got nothing to do with it all right yeah that that tricia i don't know if anyone really likes her right but she's a [ __ ] uh dot-com quote i'm telling you trisha is [ __ ] horrible right really really horrible she pretends to be like i'm really not black at all has anyone got any jelly deals all right all right but she [ __ ] turned black on me on that program and i know black and she were like and all that bollocks right i wanted to not that i'm violent i could definitely kick her out the gun trisha is a sparkle nasty [ __ ] lady and i hope this gets made public because i'm coming for you trish um and what's happening now is this every [ __ ] tom dick now is ringing dave corney because they're going well actually um whether i actually want to be or not right and i am not but i am looked as maybe a voice piece for naughty people maybe because i'm a little bit um i don't actually sit here and go do him kill him let's [ __ ] you know [ __ ] it have another line and it'll all get better in the morning because i don't do that they're actually finding me um what i've got to say [ __ ] interesting now the press will actually you know [ __ ] condemn me for all these things like you know glamorizing crime and all that bollocks but if there is a million people out there that want to read my book am i wrong writing the [ __ ] thing you know i mean like supply and demand and at the moment i'm getting more than my fair share of people going do you want to be on this chat show do you want to be tell me what the craze were like the [ __ ] do i know i mean i was [ __ ] in a silver cross pram with a follies rusk for [ __ ] like when i was out robbie but i don't know any of that like you know like what was it like in the 60s right i don't know i was four i mean how [ __ ] uh how hip can it be at four what i mean even a rusk were too big um i nearly smoked a [ __ ] finger that's drugs for you what else you want to know the early days of raven i can't really remember real limbo but i [ __ ] come home with some proper moves [Laughter] anyway back on to something else i don't always get it right please you can't tell them exactly like it is about that that you got wrong i'll tell you a funny story absolutely definitely doing anything but talk about get it wrong talk about gear wrong listen to this i went downstairs of mine danny no [Applause] welcome to my joint show with me and my wife we're going to tell it like it is anyway this geezer's got a wall this guy's got a wall all right shut the [ __ ] up all right this guy's just got a wall i'm telling you it's that long and he's skinny and because he's had it all his life when he talks to you he plays a bit like that all right and you can't help but keep looking at the wall and you feel guilty if you're looking at it and go and smile and go oh he thinks i'm laughing at him you don't know what i don't i went why don't you [ __ ] pull the thing off he went oh no he said listen there's a mole you bleed to death why don't you stupid [ __ ] people get run over and lose their leg and get your eyes on right just stand outside the hospital pull it off and run in and go stop me dying you know god [ __ ] just get rid of that [ __ ] thing growing out you know any any bigger you need about balaclava to come right and um it was [ __ ] unsightly and i said right i'm down here for three days all right and i meant it as a i truly meant it from my heart as a favor right truth i went in the next three days you ain't gonna be [ __ ] on the ball all the time i will pull that off you will not bleed to death you'll hate me for a minute and the next day i'll go thanks dave big mistake big mistake anyway so every time i went near this geezer because he was fresh on his mind i could see him going right so a couple of days went past we're in a club called saturday's on hosting's eye street and he's sitting on his chair like that he's back going over the dancer and i thought god yeah so i'm ready now got the old [ __ ] things ready like that got my hand open flushed like that and as i went up to him i went and it just ripped it went still connected that long with a vein in that way like oh [ __ ] hell no i mean he's [ __ ] screaming blood coming out everywhere i'm saying like sorry what's your name did you spill your drink and all that sort of [ __ ] you know it's like a root and all around this pool just it's come out to here he's screaming there's all blood everywhere and i've said i genuinely meant it oh sorry so like he started [ __ ] what yeah and years later he still don't actually say thank you because now he's actually got like a big red scar there right down here it isn't a wall bay looks like tasty come with a [ __ ] someone's actually caged throat it's actually changed his life it's not a [ __ ] with a wall it's a glitter of a scar two [ __ ] different things you understand i mean and he still don't say thank you huh and um i don't know what happened to the wall i think it lived that way over after it turned into a mountain what else do you want to know dave yeah got a question winning some manchester united yeah dave yeah i'm [ __ ] here tennis dancing manchester what's that benches of phillies oh yeah listen i went to cherry to manchester uh and someone some bastard right in this [ __ ] change event was driving to manchester to the gmix center which was twelve thousand people proper having it large someone spiked us in the van couldn't [ __ ] believe it my time i got there all out of our [ __ ] tree having um um i think we bought a 2000 super soakers from the garage didn't we tell filled out with milkshake was that the day yeah and he bought a firework in this [ __ ] garage i'm telling you it was the bollocks it was a triangle it was about as big as that and if you lit it it would go to the moon it's [ __ ] massive it's as big as that it had uh the the touch paper was on it anyway from this bit here you've got 15 seconds i don't like that bit but from here you've got 15 seconds so he goes into the hotel there's all [ __ ] ravers in this posh hotel we're all ringing up at three in the morning when the munchies going and i've mentioned them a few [ __ ] you know yorkshire pudding they're going no food no food i mean we didn't say that on the catalogue because i wanted to get a hotel where when i went no so the foyer in this hotel was beautiful [ __ ] chandeliers um it was it was beautiful big black carpet you've seen carpet we've got lino where we live you know i mean a red line i said push people and what he done is he put and the lift opened out into this foyer and he put this firework terry did i never i had nothing to do with it all right i lit it and yeah we put this we tested the lift up and down how long it took to actually get into the foyer lit this [ __ ] firework one and present the lift down it opened up into this big [ __ ] banquet all the door opened an outcome this [ __ ] catherine will made it was [ __ ] wicked all the alarms went off all the sprinklers went off that was like running around evacuating people right two books you've done two books right hello so you've done two books right you've been the subject of an art exhibition you've been in a film which you wrote scripted starred in and did everything blank the whole bloody thing yourself right and you've done your music bit the spielberg tricky your own little numbers that you've done with jenny and all the raves everything else you've got records at what next really come on what next [ __ ] hollywood what next what are you really planning to do another film ain't going to do nothing i want to have my own ice cream van you know with that papaya thing did it do and all that you know just go around london at night giving away 99s i don't know uh the [ __ ] world's the limit for me now right hollywood i'm looking at buying my own island beating up bruce willis just because i'm bigger than him and [ __ ] you know [ __ ] play this then i'm i'm not joking vinny jones let me explain a certain situation first right finney jones has been trying to be famous all his [ __ ] life i will show you 50 videos of vinnie jones but they're on grandstand and he talks different now he's made one film when you talk to him he's [ __ ] look at him he's squeezing out dude he's making cigars he's never made a [ __ ] cigar in his life he's a footballer all right he ain't got famous big chris got famous right and when the film finished that prick carried on being big chris i just carried on playing a part and you can fool the rest of the world if you've got nothing to compare it with that i am a gangster he's not actually a hard man um got him to be an actor he's an odd footballer she kicks a few people in the shins grabbed gases nuts called the referee your [ __ ] been [ __ ] banned for [ __ ] swearing you know and had a little tassel in the tunnel on the way up there but on the gangster ain't shot anyone robbed anybody been to prison done this that yeah it's he isn't what he's portraying to be and if you haven't got anything to compare it with you can be fooled by the article right like if you the rest of the world thought that rocky was a [ __ ] good film but if you showed muhammad ali the film rocky he would have gone keck right the rest of the world will think lock stop is a good film but if you show a gangster it you go yeah entertainment value good but like you know people don't really walk around [ __ ] pekka my street shoe [ __ ] shotguns over charlotte running out of pub setting people are liar and [ __ ] shooting off brand guns and all that don't really happen i've lived there for years it done and um but for entertainment value because people ain't in that world they well i think it's all true is that what it's like do you really got a submachine gun then the girl killed the drug dealer no it's not like that and um um where vin is concerned right not me actually slagging him off just facts speak for itself the only thing you've got going for you in america as an english person is your accent all right they absolutely spunk over your accent they think it's the absolute bollocks right so he goes to hollywood to make his new film the new english accent with a wicked accent and what part did he get and gone in 60 seconds a mute right i'm saying [ __ ] all right you must [ __ ] work that one out for yourself all right the best thing you got going for you is your accent in america vinnie in this film you're a mute and [ __ ] he'll stop it and he's walking around [ __ ] london nightclubs now going dave courtney's not in here is he hot and they're going yeah he is just to [ __ ] him off i'm ringing me i'm going listen to [ __ ] all right and um if if he portrayed dave courtney in lockstock i think it was a very bad portrayal i don't actually think he was playing me i think he was just nicking a couple of stories that i'd actually genuinely done in my life the one where the um sun bed and the and the two shotgun things that was a bit of a mutilation of one of my stories i bought two shotguns over the phone they were purges i didn't know i bought them off a prick and he didn't know i bought them both for 300 quid i sent them straight to her place in stains and adam sawed up and i've [ __ ] turned 250 grand driver shotgun into 300 quid he then came back with two sawing off the two bits of barrel and not now it's worth one and a half and it was worth 150 grand in the afternoon because i'm a clever [ __ ] i'm just clever you know i mean proper business minded all right and and that was the story and um it got changed to being a journalist you don't know me from [ __ ] adam right because my name's not adam you don't know me and but that little bit of lock stop you were saying he did not actually if he was trying to portray dave courtney he did not play a good dave courtney you know i mean i got more personality in one of my [ __ ] farts than he has and i do not have to do that to make you think i'm odd right a genuine art person can can be just smiling away like that and other people look at him and go you could rip my head off couldn't you all right you know you don't have to do that to look hard you actually turn up and go listen you owe me some money mate you don't have to go right you don't miss your money you know you could go like you owe me a man if you wanted i just made that bit up there to drag it on a little bit right what i want to do now is this i have to um yes bo the funniest thing i've had to do to save face i've been to a few fetish parties babe and i've about to do some [ __ ] weirdo things i'm from there you know i was once the [ __ ] in pulp fiction now i [ __ ] marcella wallace sorry what shut up all right listen i've got i want to do something i want to explain something to you i want to explain the importance of this the knuckle duster right i personally think that is the most [ __ ] beautiful life-saving clever piece of [ __ ] machinery there is right that goes along with importance wise with like the invention of the wheel fire electricity and the knuckle duster right all hell thank you god because once you put that on it he's a proper [ __ ] equalizer and if you choose the wrong weapon to [ __ ] take out into the street and i'm afraid an awful lot of people do [ __ ] tall up before they go out some of them legally some of them not the police put on gas [ __ ] handcuffs big bits of wood and all things right some of them dry around the guns prison maldons [ __ ] get lumps of wood and all that and some [ __ ] gangsters and dormant uh get filled up to do a little bit of work it might not be palatable to you that they do it but i'm afraid they [ __ ] do and with the array of [ __ ] weapons that are out in the [ __ ] street at the moment what with um electric kettle prods gas [ __ ] acid knives guns [ __ ] swords and fat knows what else i think that is the weakest and smallest of the lot and the reason i would [ __ ] well i would i would preach the use of this i would preach the use of this this is why right once you've got that on you are almost invincible in a fight because as long as you can throw one punch that way you're going to win it all right if it goes like that you break his arm if you get him anywhere around here it breaks out if it goes like that it'll break his rib and i'll fight any [ __ ] in the world and get one punch in i promise and if you chose to carry a knife um as your um chosen weapon to walk around the street with right [ __ ] the [ __ ] situation that you're waiting for when you pull this knife and save your life right [ __ ] that every time you walk out the front door of a knife in your pocket you are risking getting 15 to 20 years because if you drove down the road and bumped into a giza's bumper and it was his new [ __ ] car and he opted out of his car come round [ __ ] ripped your door home and started punching [ __ ] at you you would go uh no [ __ ] questions and do 15 years because you're his bummer if you run over a [ __ ] geezer's foot in sainsbury's and went over his corn and he went you can start whacking your head with a bit of me but you knew he was losing you would go and do 15 years so don't [ __ ] carry it and because life is a form of habits if you've had a load of your youth camera as you walked out of the door i'll take the shift i was like it was a [ __ ] hard thing to knock it's like i won't say area no more right going out without at all when you normally are tooled up is like going out with like a broken ankle you know you ain't really firing on all four cylinders and um i feel sorry for people that have got into the abbey of carrying a blade because every time in every confrontation you have you risk getting 15 years now me being cleverer than most sorry all right ev the worst that can happen is this whack he will get a broken jaw i will win if i got caught i'd get three years i'll do three years all right but i'd rather do that whack than that and once you've been to prison you'll see how many of these people that's got murderer over their tag are actually [ __ ] murderers right out of 50 murderers you might only have five murderers the other 45 people just happened to actually murder someone but they're not murderers they just chose the wrong [ __ ] weapon you understand what i mean by that does that come out how i meant it to yeah right we don't carry knives plus it makes all your [ __ ] cuffs dirty and bloody [ __ ] not and i think having a gun in your house that's [ __ ] pathetic because as soon as anyone has a fight with you or you're rowing and you lose a punch up with a keys next door if you have got a [ __ ] magnum under the mattress you would run upstairs get in go you can't bang [ __ ] i'm doing 20 years because he borrowed my lawnmower you understand what i mean but don't have it indoors bury it somewhere in the field the chances of having a fight right where the gun's buried is slim i mean and and i'd rather employ someone with a gun than have my own and luckily enough i have [ __ ] file effects it's one of them this is what an armed man is today an old man today is this who has ever got the most telephone numbers in their effects that's the governor all right [ __ ] how many press ups and she could do how many fighters you've had not lost one for [ __ ] all that it's how many numbers if you can beat me up you can't but if you could beat me up all right but i could actually bring someone up and get you shot i'm betting you and i even though you can beat me up like a [ __ ] i wouldn't even hit him back kev getting that black getting that black crash helmet out all right if i've actually got the number do that i'm better and i understand is that [ __ ] big with gardeners and green grocers all right listen thank you very much and [ __ ] i've loved being here right it's a proper little buzzer it's all still really new for me signing autographs and everyone going clapping and all that right it's new for me he is honestly it's still like all right and in the front room i'm still doing against a bit with the boys but i do go into the kitchen with my missus and go ah thank you very much hello everyone [Music] you

Channel: OffTheTelly

Views: 93,178

Keywords: Dave Courtney, Audience With, Audience, Live Show, Live, Talk, Comedy, Crime, Stand-up, 2001, Gangster, Author, Actor

Id: osAjIC_-kWc

Length: 83min 20sec (5000 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 28 2021