Wheels, may I speak with you? Papa Wheelie, why don't you
go fill out your HR forms? Teddy Bonkers will help you. The-- the Teddy bear? Teddy bear? His name is Theodore Bonkers. He's not the smartest
guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met. And I've met Ed Burns. Go talk to him. Just go with it. What the hell, Wheels? He was so excited. I couldn't let him down! It says "list
previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable? Yes. [playing piano] Well, I tried this
thing in every lock in the old man's house. This opens nothing. Listen, Wheels. The grandfather may have
left a clue in this piano. Why is that, leg man? 'Cause it's out of key. A clue would have been grand. In the sand. You made me stop laughing. Well, at least you're
good for something. What is this? It's coffee. I only drink
flaming Gran Marnier. I'm sorry.
I didn't know. Bonkers said to bring coffee. You're a liability! You know what your problem is? Papa Wheelie doesn't
have a backstory. All right? All you have is a prop. How did you end up
on that unicycle? Are you a hipster? Are you a Frenchman? Were you raised by a
Russian circus bear? You don't know! You just woke up one
morning and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack! I don't know about you,
but this case has put me in the mood for some cocaine. Oh, I get that joke. Because cocaine
comes in keys, right? Leg man doesn't
joke about cocaine. Cocaine is not
a joking matter. The teacher here
is supposed to be the most intense and demanding
instructor in all of clowning. And shit, it's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger. All right, jag offs,
the name's HJ Rimmens. Look to your left,
look to your right. By the end of the
semester, 60% of you will be dead by your own hand. The rest will be clowns. You dig? OK, I'm out of here. Hah. I'm-- I'm a little
confused, because you said here on your application
you wanted to be a clown. More than anything. So what's your gooch? "Gooch" is horn
corn for clown name. "Horn corn" his horn
corn for clown lingo. Gonna be honking a lot of horn
corn around here, you dig? So what's your gooch, kid? Dimples. Dimples? Pretty buckety gooch,
don't you think? More horn corn. Relax, just sliding
your whistle. Why don't you show
us what you got? I-- uh-- Come on, man. No pressure. Just lay a little
jape on these cats. Whatever you got. No big. [music playing] [farts] Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too. Ladies and gentlemen,
we could be looking at the next Emmett Kelly-- of sucking. Oh! That's right, you
nut-licking little turds. I ain't here to hold your hands. I'm here to play mind
games and emotionally abuse you into being clowns! That's clowning, you shitheads! ANNOUNCER: Justice
hunter, philanthropist, has a Gmail account,
this is News Glance with Genevieve Vavance. Been a tough day for all
of us here at the Glance. Steve Smith has now been
missing for 36 hours. I'm joined by some of
Steve's classmates. You look like the
type of girls who do a lot of regrettable things. How does it feel
today, knowing you'll probably never get to hit that? Sad. Steve was really cute. I guess I just wish I
could have hit that. It's so important to
have sex with people before they go missing. Mm-hmm. All those girls want me? Awesome! The longer I stay in this cabin,
the more laid I'm gonna get! Yeah. More volume! I want it super big! You're doing a great job. I know I'm demanding,
but I'm working on it. But it also got me
where I am today. So when I ask you to
make it super big, I mean make it super
big, I will murder you! I'm sorry. Work in progress. God is not finished
with this gal. Hey, Genevieve. I'm all set to do my
story on Garbage Island. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll get to it. But first I got an
exclusive with the parents. Wait, what? And we're back. I'm here tonight with
Stan and Francine Smith, heartbroken parents of America's
missing son, Steve Smith. Stan, Francine, why did
you murder your son? What? Not ready to confess? Let's look at some statistics. 100% of the time a child goes
missing, the parents did it. ANNOUNCER: Legally not a fact. What are you talking about? And where did
you hide the body? We didn't hide the body! So you admit there's a body! Why are you doing this? I'm sorry. It's been a long week. Emotions are running wild. Can I get you something? A beer water, perhaps?
- No thanks. That stuff gives me diarrhea. Stan, are you
close with your son? No, but that doesn't
mean I murdered him! Interesting. Can we play that back? I murdered him. You son of a bitch! Ugh! We have to take a break. ANNOUNCER: Beer Water, it
won't give you diarrhea. Just keep it natural. You guys are doing great. You're coming off super likable. Francine, how many times
did you stab your son? - None!
- Huh. Well, my team and I created a
reenactment of what we believe happened the night
Steve disappeared. You know what I've been
thinking about lately? How Steve is the worst? Yes, I kind of
want to murder him. Great idea. We'll use my knife. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Just coming in here to love you. [dramatic organ music playing] I forgive you. [laughter] Gruesome stuff. Can you two stick around
for my next guest? Yeah? Well, please welcome
Officer Keith Benson. What? Stan and Francine Smith,
you are under arrest for the murder of your son. What the hell? We didn't kill him! We love our son! Wait, officer, please! You're making a mistake! Tragic. After the break,
bulimia, bad for you, but is it good for your toilet? Find out tonight at 11:00. What is your drink, sir? Beer, shaken, not stirred. Hey, handsome. Got a light? Looks like you got
yourself a cigarette there. I'm Sex Pun To Come. I get a good feeling from you. Do you get a good feeling from-- Are you a whore? I mean, it's cool if you're
a whore, but know right now, I don't get with no whore! Another Martini
for Tear Jerker. Good evening, Tear Jerker. Smith, Stan Smith. Didn't really ask
who you were, but OK. I'd like an
invitation to your spa! I only invite celebrities. Well, perhaps I can play
you for an invitation. Name your game. OK, baccarat. Yeah, I don't know
how to play that. OK, then craps. Yeah, I don't
get that, either. I mean, seven's good, but
then seven's not good? How do you play the horn? Then they get mad at me. OK, OK. Perhaps you should
name your game. But I must warn
you, I never lose. OK, let's play highest number. I'm not familiar with it. Whoever says the
highest number wins. You go first. Thank you. 6,000. 17,000. Well played. I guess I'll see you
on the Teardrop Islands. Did you get it? Yes, baby. I trust you'll enjoy my spa,
Mr. Stan Smith of the CIA. In fact, you'll like it so
much, you'll never leave. [laughter] [burps]
Oh my god. You smell that? I had a pickle an hour ago. Came with my reuben. I'm so fat. And filthy rich in 3, 2-- manager guy, Luke
sexually harassed me! It was horrible. He wouldn't stop. I deserve money. Well, this is
very serious, Laura. Marjorie, could you please
send in Luke Fondleberg. Up, just got my period. Damn uterus, refreshing
itself every month like it owns the joint. You wanted to see me? Fondleberg, did you sexually
harass Miss Vander Boobe. You bet your ass I did. I harassed the crap out of her. Damn it. Now we have to pay
her a settlement. You're fired! Both of those
things work for me. See you in hell. False alarm. It turns out I just had to poop. What did Luke say? Well, he admitted
he harassed you. I'm still reeling. Let's talk settlement. I'm thinking $1 million. Actually, our
lawyers have determined that juries pay a larger
settlement to women who are more attractive. So with that in mind,
this is our offer. Unharassable, huh? Well, this juicy
settlement says otherwise. Wow, $90,000. I know. Respectable, right? Ja, ja, completely
respectable. Wow, that's a lot of money. So can you, I don't know,
loan me a couple of G's? Oh, no.
No, I'm sorry. I have a policy. I never loan friends money. Oh, OK. But I'm good for it.
- No, I know. It's not about that. It's just a rule I have. I got in a situation
a few years ago. It got really ugly. So I just decided. OK, I'm sorry I asked. I am, too. Frankly. [laughter] Wow. Really thought we were
gearing up for a much more satisfying chase. But this? Roger, I'll kill you! I'm not Roger. I'm the phantom! Roger? Well, yeah, who did you-- what? Well, anyway, you'll
never stop me! There you go again,
stealing my idea. Well, until tell you tell
the family this telethon was my idea, I've
got havoc to wreak. Wreck? Wreak. It ends now! Hah. You can't stop the Phantom. These riggings and
catwalks are my domain, and I am their master! [screaming] Ugh. Ugh. [screaming] All right, all right, I give up. But it doesn't matter. I've already destroyed
this telethon, and untied your bowtie. No, you've given me
a relaxed demeanor! Oh my god, is that a bomb? You planted a bomb? What the hell are
you talking about? That's enough C4 to blow
up this entire building. Disarm it! Stan, it's not mine. All I did was change
the teleprompter, cut the bear's brakes,
release the terrorist, drop a fishing boat
on Jeff Fisher. Wait, you released
the terrorist? He's an explosives expert. We'll never be
able to disarm it. Oh my god! Stan, I know exactly what to do. Put me down. [playing piano] Let's try that on
the fart setting. [farting] I don't know. It's funnier, but I think it
takes out some of the tension. [laughter] You're done with dinner? Let's sign the truck
and get out of here. Calm down, Stan. I'm still talking to my new
friends, King Harald of Norway and his wife, Queen Sonja. Now, the freeways in
Dallas are horrible. Just take a taxi
from the airport. Take taxis everywhere. And head straight
for Bud's Tex-Mex. Don't bring your wife. The bathroom scene
there is amazing. Eh? Now you tell me something good. Oh, yum, dessert. This is wonderful. Best tiramisu I've ever had. [sighing] Maybe too much rum. [gunshot] OK, dinner is over Roger.
Here's the bill. Just sign it to the room. Yeah, I just wanna
make sure I didn't accidentally leave a tip. No! What is this, Stan? You used me, just
like you always do. Look, we can talk about
it on the plane ride home. Right now we gotta
fake your assassination and drop the general's
body in your place. Here, put on these squibs. I truly thought you wanted
to go on a friends vacation with me. Actually, what I
really wanted was this. An aerial screw? Yup. Now, be a trooper, go
out on that balcony, and get shot 15
times in the chest. [sighs] [cheering] [beep] [screaming] I'm OK! [confused murmuring] What the hell are you doing? I'm staying here and running
this dump, that's what. Guards, see that Se or Smith
leaves my country immediately. I hope your helicopter
was worth it, because it cost us our friendship. The prosecution would now like
to call Mr. Sugar to the stand. Guess who's the luckiest
guy in the courtroom. Burt, because he gets
to watch my big round ass as I walk to the stand. [laughter] Mr. Sugar, how do you
explain this photo of you with illegal employees and
counterfeit merchandise? [gasping] You know what's not
counterfeit in that photo? My emotions. Aw. OK. I don't know what that means. But here you are
accepting a cash payment for the fake handbags. Do you admit that this is you? I will, if you
admit this is you. Why? How did you? Look how happy you are. Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, don't they make a great couple? [applause] God, she looked
good before the baby. Mr. Sugar made
us work very hard. When we weren't sewing handbags,
he made us sleep on the floor. [murmuring] Inez, thank you. Inez, does the date September
19th mean anything to you? Es mi cumplea os. In English, please. It is my birthday. Can you tell me
what this is, Inez? It is the bear you
gave me for my birthday. Aw. So if I was the monster
the prosecution is trying to portray me as, would
I have given you such a wonderful birthday present? No. In English, please. No. Martin sugar rests, y'all. [laughter] Oh, yeah. We can write a porno, right? We can totally do this. HP's a dunce. Sure, he has a good eye
for casting black men, but what does he
know about story? Bupkis! OK, porn scenario. Think, Steve.
Think. It's not just gonna
fall into our laps. How's it going, guys? Where's my sandwich? Coming right up. I just wanted to introduce
you to my friend, Sandy. She's new here, completely
inexperienced but eager to learn. You might say I'm
a virgin at this. [giggling] I didn't order
your life story. I ordered a tuna melt. Why is it so hot in here? Oh my god, we're
so sorry, guys. The air conditioning broke. We'll fix it right away. If there's anything else you
need, anything, just call us. And I mean anything. What's wrong with you? You get $1 every time you
say the word "anything"? [giggling] I got it. Steve, start typing. Exterior, Costa Mesa, day. Need a hand with that? Who are you? My husband's away on business. I'm the pool boy/pizza guy. I'm here to check
your pH balance, and deliver the
sausage you ordered. What the hell? That's the crap HP hated. It's not modern or real. Were you even listening? I was the pool boy
and the pizza guy. If demonstrating that the
working poor need two jobs just to make ends meet
isn't modern or real, then I don't know
what the hell is! All right, listen up. There's a new renegade in town,
and he's hungry for gating. Now, who has an injustice? Well, there is
a local biker gang that's been terrorizing us. Well, not anymore. Something to eat? Thought I'd finish
up these fries. Those are cold. I'm a renegade. I like my fries cold and
my beers smoking hot. [gasping] That's them. Are-- are you sure? I can't renegade unless
you're 100% sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. It sounds like
you're saying "unsure". Ugh! You picked the wrong
day to come in here. We got us a renegade! Fries are so good! Who's the renegade? This guy? Please, sir, help us! Fries, fries,
fries, fries, fries! [screaming] You promised to help us. You're a coward. Would a coward do this? NARRATOR: Renegade. Yep, I remember when
Stan came to me months ago and asked me to plan
the whole thing. Right, Stan? Yes. Great, just cut me
that check for $6,800, the budget we agreed upon,
and I'll get started. $6,800? Oh, Stan, I'm so
lucky to be married to such a good provider. Just make it out to
Jeannie Gold Weddings. Who's that? Jeannie Gold, wedding planner. This is my emergency
wedding kit, everything you need for last minute snafus. Needle and thread, band
aids for sore heels, fake hymens for
those not so well behaved Middle Eastern brides. These beauties are
packed full of ox blood. Trust me, that bedroom will
look like the set of a Wes Craven movie the next morning. You must be the children. Jeannie Gold. I wanted to discuss the gift
you're buying your parents for their anniversary. I'm just gonna get 'em a card. Sign my name to it,
"forever Yours, S." They'll know. You'll do better than a card. It's their 20th. China is the traditional gift. Leave us alone, Roger. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Now, find a meaningful gift. Disappoint me, and next time
you'll be dealing Valik. Who? Listen to Jeannie,
or I cut you! Two weeks from
today, Francine, you will be here
walking down the aisle. I've created the
menu, the flowers. I even have a string
quartet playing the score from "Room with a View". We didn't have
that at our wedding. After your reception,
when you and Stan drove away in the limo, you
heard a song playing from a third story window. You didn't know what it was,
but secretly wished you had walked down the aisle to it. How did you-- I never shared that with anyone. Last Wednesday, when
you were in the bath, I snuck up and ethered you good. While in your twilight state,
you admitted your regret. You hummed that song for me. I had a top musicologist beside
me, and he identified it. He saw me naked? Honey, please,
he's a musicologist. He sees it every day. Here's the number of my tailor. He can let your
wedding dress out. Oh, I don't need to. It still fits. Really? Look at you. She is just beautiful. That's the reason
I married her. Well, that's not
the only reason. Yes, it is. There was nothing else? Nope. Just my appearance? That is correct. Wh-- what he means is, your
beauty emanates from within. No, I don't. You know, I'm not so sure
I want to renew vows with-- Don't give up
on this, Francine. There were good times. Think back. He must have done something
to show his love was true. [burps]
Ignore that. Steak-umms. Well, two weeks
before our wedding, Stan and I agreed not
to see each other. At the ceremony, when I stepped
out of the limo, he ran to me, picked me up and
swung me around, and told me he never wanted
to be away from me again. But now I realize he only
loved me for my looks. What? He was joking. Stan, tell her. Oh, yeah. Of course, I was joking. I love you for more
than your looks. You have no sense of humor. Good thing you're pretty! Oh, another joke. Shut up, Stan. You're too funny. OK, here's what we're gonna do. Just like before, you won't
see each other for two weeks. Then we'll recreate your
reunion at the wedding. I'll film the whole thing and
make it an extra on the DVD, along with the musicologist
touching you in the bath. I'm kidding.
At least I think I'm kidding. I left him alone with her for
a half hour while I took a nap. What do you say, honey? OK, Roger. Let's do it. It's still on! I'm Jeannie Gold, wedding
planner extraordinaire. And a survivor. He'll see you in two
weeks, just like before. Mwah. I gotta hand it to you,
you're doing a great job. - Are you hitting on me?
- What? This happens all the time. I will not let you
ruin your wedding. I will give you a handy, Jay,
to keep you out of trouble. [whistling] Hoffman! And a good day to
you, Mr. McCreery. In my office, now! You're familiar with the
first line of Genesis, Right Well, I should say I am, sir. I should say I am. Does this sound right? "In the beginning, God
created the heavens and a transvestite who
pooped mozzarella dinosaurs." Blasphemy! Cut the act, Hoffman. I know you came in
last night, and edited the Bible from your computer. Sir, I would never tamper
with the Word of the Lord. 1,000 copies ruined! You're fired! Rudy tudy fresh and fruity,
I'm in a pile of doody! What-- what? what's-- what's going on? Roger, we have to talk. This family has a problem. Oh, finally we can get
this all out in the open. I'll start. Klaus, you're useless
and everyone hates you. [gasping] No, Roger. This is about you. The last two months,
your selfish behavior has gotten out of control. Stan, tell him. Well, for starters, you
constantly raid the fridge and drink all my Five Alive. You take our
clothes without asking and then disappear all day,
so you can run around as one of your ridiculous personas. I regret my dance card
is filled for the evening, but that's always
the spring cotillion. I'll tell you what I think. I think you hide behind
all these disguises so you don't have to face
the fact that the real you is an inconsiderate jerk! Yeah, it doesn't matter how
you treat people when you can blame it on Professor
Edelstein, or AT&T operator Shalanda Dykes. Speaking of which, that credit
for my friends and family plan still hasn't shown
up on my bill. That credit was generated
after your last statement. It'll show up on your next bill. Oh, OK. Thank you. Thank you for choosing AT&T. Enough. You have been treating us
like doormats for months, and we're sick and tired of it! Wow, I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. And I guess all I can
say is, eat my dust! He's getting away! [snoring] For God's sake, Roger, get up! My tequila! That worm had a name! Now, if you will excuse me,
I am late for my daughter's arranged wedding. She will learn to love him. [door slams] Well, that was
a waste of time. Thanks for agreeing to
have this conversation on my new balcony, Stan. Fine, whatever. Unfortunately, the
new bird feeder I put up seems to be attracting crows,
but that's balcony life. Did you know crow might
be Latin for "air steak"? Roger, you said you had
important news about Steve! Oh, yeah, Steve. I saw him ride off on horseback
with a Canadian mountie. Those Canadian bastards! Who am I going to get him back? I need to talk to Dr. Penguin. I'm Lou Babadu, business guru. I'm renting Dr. P's office while
he's dead or still at Sundance. I can't remember
all the stories. My trainer got me to go Keto. I love it. Never had more energy. More about me? I have my blood
recycled every month. I micro-dose acid every day. My watch has a
shark tooth on it. I macro-dose acid every day. And I sleep
upside-down like a bat! You're a businessman? Smart to be cautious. There are a lot of
charlatans out there. Let me show you my stuff. [music playing] Business. I did that to open a
trade show in Shanghai. Got a 4 minute ovation. Really ate into
the five minutes I had to introduce the
president of Arrogant Mountain Rubber Duck Company. Now, I hear you got some
business moves yourself. Let's hear it. OK. Get the hell out of my office! I need time to process this! Wowie, zowie. You got this stuff. Go to this address. My dear friend Helen is
the head of human resources at a Fortune 500 company. Just tell her Lou
Babadu sent you. Screw you, Shannon. None of you stupid jerks
deserve a genius like Rufus P Melonballer sorting your mail! Oh, windy. I'm quitting this job,
and I'm gonna kill myself. I know a lot of
you feel the same. Who's jumping out
this window with me? [typing] [chattering] Oh, so it's like that, huh? Adios, being alive! Jerry jerks off under his desk. I think we might
have an opening. [glass shatters] Whoa, it's really
windy out there. Now, that lamp there
we bought back in '89. I remember the year, because
Amanda and I had just seen "Old Gringo", and
I wanted something heavy to bash my head in. [laughter] You have a story for
everything, even the wallpaper. Where did you say it was from? Egypt. We were there while
Jordan was doing research for his economics dissertation. Mandy, a moment. I told you, I don't
study economics. I'm a political scientist. That's right. Oh, well. Too late now. I said economics. It's been established. Candy. Candy, Candy, Candy. I can't let you go. How much you weigh, Candy? 100? I figure maybe 105? I guess about that. Mm-hmm. Pretty fat, tight. My wife used to look like you. Let's not get
nasty, Professor. I'm just saying to
the attractive girl that you used to look good,
before you went to rehab. I never went to rehab! You have now. It's been established. This place is
just what Langley Falls needs, a chic
lounge environment for young professionals. If they need it so much,
How come there's nobody here? I'm gonna eat you one day. My bar is dead. It doesn't make sense. I co-wrote City Slickers
with Babalu Mandel, but I can't do this? [sighing] We need a-- we need a draw. We need a hook. WOMAN (SINGING): There's
a saying old that says that love is blind. Still we're often told,
seek and ye shall find. My dear lord. WOMAN (SINGING): So I'm going
to seek a certain lad I had. In my looking everywhere
haven't found him yet. He's the big affair
I can not forget. Only man I ever
think of with regret. Roger! Oh, relax. It's nothing I
haven't seen before. [beeping] You perv! Get outta here! I'll leave after
I tell you this. You just got a job
singing in my lounge. - Really?
- Shut up. I want you there tomorrow night,
wearing something amazing. Oh, and don't worry
about the camera. It's made of chocolate. Ow! Oh, that's right. It's the toilet camera
that's chocolate. [beeping] Oh, boy. That's on film. This time I got him. Trust me. Hey, ref. I don't know where my guy is. I guess he'll have to forfeit. Fire, fire! Stop, drop, roll! [cheering] Damn it! Now he's one win away
from breaking my record. Sorry, Stan. I locked him in the freezer. I don't how the kid
set himself on fire. Small bills are in the safe. The rest is in my butt! I'm not here to rob you. I'm here to shoot a
kid in a tree house. You know what kid
I wanted to kill? The youngest daughter
in "Mrs. Doubtfire". Hated her face. By the time I could
get a good shot at her, she had grown up and
turned into nothing. Barry's only one win away. I will not lose my record. Well, killing
him should do it. Ugh, I can't get a clean shot. That damn oak tree
is on the way. On it. I never knew you had
such powerful legs. Really? Really? You didn't know I
had powerful legs. You never stared
at my legs before. OK. OK, I'll just play along. This is great. I can teach you how to wrestle. You can pose as a student
at a rival high school, defeat Barry, and
save my record! So let me understand
this wrestling thing. The goal is to lie on top of
another man against his will for three seconds
in a bathing suit. Is this a high school
sport or my trip to Cancun? [laughter] I'm sorry. No, I'm-- I'm-- I'm in. Next match, Barry
Robinson and Dmitri-- Crotchlikmyov. Dmitri Crotchlikmyov, new
exchange student from Russia. [whistle blows] One, two! Use your legs! I can't. I have really weak legs.
- No, you don't. You have the opposite.
- I know. Today's Opposite Day. No, it's not. That means it is! I'm not playing! That means you are! Roger, just win
before the ref stops politely waiting for
our conversation to end and gets to three! Fine. [screaming] One, two, three, winner! Yes! Yeah! I win, I win! Uh, Coach Smith, that's
the guy from the other team. Shut up, corn beef! I can feel your
pulse in my thigh. - Hey, Roger, what's--
- Where the hell have you been? You are not gonna believe
what's going on in this house. Things are really going
to pot around here. Great, it's locked. I forgot my key. Of course, you
never gave me a key. That kind of bothers me,
but that's not important. What is important is what's
going on around here! You're gonna see, buddy. Oh, you are gonna see! This is great. Suddenly, security's
real tight around here. You are just gonna
lose it when you see what's going on in your house. You are really gonna
blow your stack! The worst part of it is
the disrespect to you. They are castrating
you, quite frankly. I'm sorry, but that's
what they're doing. They are cutting off your
nads, period, end of story. Oh, you're gonna see it so soon! Look! Oh, it's sloppy. It's so wet. Oh, I love you, too! What in the hell is that? It's my new dog, Kisses. [laughter] I said, no dogs! Oh, this is good for Steve. And it'll be good for
you to love a dog again. I bet Freddy is smiling down
from doggie heaven right now. I hope he Is I hope he's up
there living in a lake house, driving a kickass speedboat,
eating the foamy grass he just threw up. Oh, let Steve
keep Kisses, Stan. Fine. But I won't have anything
to do with that dog. If he buys a table at a charity
event, I won't sit at it. I'm mad at you. You are consistently
a problem for me. Hey, Roger. Snot made me this. He made it out of a
Spanish worksheet. [sobbing] You really liked
him, didn't you? I did, I did. He was just really sweet. Roger, I'm sorry. I guess I did want to
be king of the nerds. But I'd rather have Snot happy
than be king of anything. I want Snot happy, too, Steve! But it's too late now. Snot won't take me
back after you revealed Jenny was faking it with him. True, but I think I just
found a way for you to make him feel like a man again! Oh, how about you fill me
in over a couple of beers? Great, right? I had two party balls
implanted in my chest. One light beer, one regular. Coming at you! Ah! Stop it! Squirt. No, hey, stop it! Squirt, squirt! No, quit it! Agh! Squirt, squirt, squirt! It's no good, Steve. Nothing's gonna cheer me up. You're gonna use that street
lamp or just lean on it? You? Snot, please hear me out. Yes, I tricked you
with a stress ball, and it was a rotten thing to do. Extra rotten, if you ask me. I know. But I did it
because I was saving myself for someone I loved. And I've realized that
that someone is you. I wanna do it for real tonight. What do you say? Make love to me again
for the first time. Come here, you! [moaning] Wow, Snot. You're the man again. Until tonight, my love. No! Brian, it's me, Ric-- Damn you, Ricky Spanish! He's here to apologize, geez! What did Ricky do
to you, anyway? Tijuana, he did Tijuana to me! Oh, we were having ourselves a
fine old time down Mexico way. [laughter] Yeah, well, I can
take care of you. When out of the blue, Ricky
jumped me and left me stranded. With no ID, I was stuck
in TJ for six months. I had to work as the squeegee
boy at a donkey show. Every night, watching
a different girl sleep with the donkey I loved. Brian, I'm so sorry. I was a bad guy, but
I'm trying to change. Aw hell, Ricky, I
can't stay mad at you. I'm on way too many
antipsychotics! Yeah. Steve Smith, Ricky Spanish. We're doing cocaine
and shooting guns. Join us! I just met this woman, but
I'm already really into it. Avery, I'm here
to apologize for-- for killing your wife. Killing my wife? When? You seriously don't remember? Hey, man. It was her birthday. And you know how I am
when I drink champagne. Yah! Oh, yes. I seem to recall
something like that. So you're not mad at me? Why should I be? As you can see, everything in
my life is going perfectly. [laughter] [screaming] Mr. Capellini,
I'm Steve Smith. Ah, Josh's replacement. Welcome aboard. You're gonna ride
along with Roger today to see how things work. [music playing] Come on, rookie. Stay close. But not too close. I swerve a lot,
because I accidentally bought prescription
sunglasses, which I don't need but I'm too
embarrassed to return. Wow, how do you
afford such a nice bike? How does a paper boy afford
anything on the crap they pay? You bend the rules. You get extra papers and
sell them on the side. Vacation hold. You get one of these, toss it,
keep the papers, side sell 'em. You see a vacant, sign it
up for a trial membership. More papers. Mo-- mo-- more papers, mo--
mo-- more money, mo-- mo-- more money, mo-- mo--
more speech therapy. Pleasure doing business with
you, Cooper, you sleazebag. But, Roger, isn't this a
little, you know, unethical? Do this job like a
bitch, it'll take forever to get that soda squirter. How soon you wanna be squirting? I'd like to be
squirting right now. OK, let's do it. Elian, is that you, baby? Come on, you're safe here. I will not send
you back to Cuba. Dr. Yah-Yah? We'd like to talk to you
about getting some ecstasy. What do you know
about ecstasy? Only that you created it. I'm trying to create it,
me and my roommate, Dave. [snoring] We're very close to
cracking the formula. We have the MDM, but
we're missing something. Of course, amphetamine,
the missing ingredient! That's my stationery,
my handwriting. How did you get this? Who are you? We're time travelers
from the future. Now, I'm sure you have
a lot of questions-- No, I'm good. We only have until midnight. Tell us where we can
get some amphetamines! Dave's been partying
for four days straight. He's a great artist. He painted the painting
you see behind me. Let's see what we have. Some downers, yellow jackets,
a Tinker Bell keychain, which I will hold on to. Ah, here we go, amphetamines. Oh my god. I have such a
feeling of euphoria. I-- I-- glow stick dance! Dave, look at me! Our years of research
have finally paid off. This will make your younger
self totally uninhibited. How can I ever repay you? Someday I'll call
on you for a favor. Cryptic! Cecilia Takaru is the
name, born on a sleigh ride outside St. Petersburg. Closer to Tampa, actually. Or as us Tampons like to
call it, home of Hulk Hogan. [laughter] Studied literature at
space camp for four years, which naturally led me
to franchise the Chimdale IKEA. Not a stress-free job,
but I have a handle on it. Sorry, I blacked out. Oh, yeah, "Little Women". Alcott called it "little women"
because she was challenging the male-centric Huck Finn
and the role of females in a post-colonial America. Wow. Welcome, Cecilia. I-- I'm not familiar with
the space camp curriculum, but wasn't "Little
Women" published 20 years before Huck Finn? [gulps] In-- in space,
time is very fluid, as Einstein hypothesized
stuff from earlier might actually be from later. Pull it together. Einstein's Theory
of Relativity. And to come up with that riding
a Strassenbahen in Vienna, I'd say it was a greater leap
for mankind than the moonwalk. Roger, what are you doing? Cecilia Takaru is a lie! All of these personas are lies! Well, yeah. Masks, they cover up the
fact that I'm empty inside! Roger, that's not true. It took meeting someone
as real as Meredith for me to see I'm like an onion. When you peel away
the layers, there's nothing left, except tears! [sobbing] What are you doing? No! [screaming] Die, all of you! This is agony. I programmed them
to feel burning. Back to crazy! [screaming] Why would you do this? That was your life's work! That life is over. I'm done creating characters. I'm gonna live the
rest of my days at the most boring
person on the planet, me! Well, you have to
put on something. I can't drive you around
looking like an alien! Fine! Drive, take me nowhere. It's the only place
that nobody belongs. [sobbing] [screaming] All I'm saying-- Stacy, enough. We're sticking to the plan. I'm gonna drop you and
your kids off at the zoo. Then I'm gonna go
check out that belt sander I saw on Craigslist. And when I pick
you up later, we're gonna go to Mama
Mangia's for dinner, and we're gonna
have a nice night. It's been a long time, OK? OK, Frank. God, I think the last time
we had a nice night was-- Was when, Stacy? The night before I flunked the
police academy entrance exam? I explained to you
that test was bull. All trick questions. But let's go over the facts. My name is Frank Trublu. I get my haircut
at barber shops. Look at me, Stacy. Do I not have all the
signifiers of an off duty cop? No one's saying you're
not like a cop, Frank. Everybody thinks that. You kids think of me as
essentially a cop, right? [sighs] OK, I think we can still salva-- Good to have
you back, leg man. So I ran that hair we found
at the scene of the crime. You know how we thought no
man could kick that hard? We were right. It was a kangaroo. You're a hell of a private-- [sobbing] --dick. Jeannie, I'm glad you're here. Because last night, it hit me. The perfect thing for
Nerfer's bachelorette party? Strippers! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Are we talking full frontal? Because I wanna see some-- [sobbing] --dick! We have fun, don't we, Clippy? Chargers are stupid. Raider Dave, get in here! I'm not in the
right headspace. Just punch him in
the balls for me. It's the area right under his-- [sobbing] Francine, wake up, wake up! Last night, the most
wondrous thing happened. I couldn't sleep,
so I went into town. And you remember
that hunky single guy who owns the Italian
soda shop, Marioigi? No, we've only been
here for 12 hours. We fell in love,
and we screwed! Bella, I love you. I must go now. Mwah. But then I realized, I'm
a strong, independent woman. I don't need to be
defined by a single man. [speaking italian] Did you sleep with all these-- [speaking italian and honking] You were right
to bring me here. In Tuscany, I found the one
thing I was looking for, me. I'm all better now. Let's cream out of here. Van Smash, how's it hanging? To the left down my
pants and up the other leg. If you speak true,
then you must have the lengthiest of johnsons. Good to have you
back, Van Smash. I'm glad you're
here, because we've got another special guest, my
new GIRL Linda Vulnerabella. Black bra, see-through
shirt, pure class. Chic, chic, chic. Like I always say,
nobody who lives on a boat can stay dry for long. And I mean that in two ways. Eh! How did you two meet? We met at the
marina bait shop. And he took me to
this bar called-- Barnacles? That was our bar! I've never been to
Barnacles with you, Van Smash. Yeah, Van Smash. What are you talking
about, Van Smash? Oh, yeah. I'm Van Smash. Um, Linda, what's your deal? You like porn,
you like Deadpool, you like something else? Like all women,
I enjoy the wit and wisdom of Chester Cheetah. Isn't she great? Mwah. Did our time
together mean nothing? Eh. Dick's always getting it in. Eh. I didn't realize you
were such a womanizer. eh?
Womanize her? I hardly know her.
Eh. You're a snake, Dick! Eh. I'll show you a snake. My snake! Van Smash is hilarious. I had no idea he had a
personality disorder. So funny! Sorry I had to
whack you little guy. But hopefully you
got some closure. Tomorrow, I'll take
you to the laundromat and let you ride
around in the dryer. That always cheers you up. Will you put a red
sock in there with me? Maybe I'll come
out a little pink. No problem, buddy. But you're not gonna turn pink. But maybe there's
a tiny chance. Maybe. Get some sleep. Psych. I ain't going to sleep, until
Dick pays for what he did. Sheesh, I hope this hitman's
better at shooting people than he is at being on time. Oh, there you are. Here it is. I want him dead. Consider it done. This boat is hell. I wish I'd died in the flood. Steve, obviously we
all wish we were dead. What is everyone
complaining about? This boat is the best. Don't you think all your friends
would love to be here with you? (SINGING) If they could see
you now and all this fun that you've found, but they
surely can't because they've all drowned, ghostly
corpses on the ocean bed, they'd die of jealousy,
but they're already dead. But if they could see you now,
out on this party boat cruise, living the life and
huffing diesel fumes, the only thing
that we have to do is watch the temperature gauge
and make it stay in the blue. Check out this petting zoo, wow. And this one's all you can eat. Ever had giraffe soup? Pow, you're in for a treat. What a fun ship. Holy cow. When you have to poop, be
sure you do it over the bow. Climbing walls, there's
just so much to do. And free blankets-- wait,
that's a dead kangaroo. This boat's the cat's meow. Meow. If your friends
could see you now. Jeff, what are you doing here? Who's watching the
temperature gauge? [explosion] I feel like you're
in a bad mood, Steve. Is this still about the wolf
eating all the food rations? He can't help himself. He's a wolf. I know he's a wolf. Why would you bring
him onto the boat? The wolf is great. [snarling] No way we're getting robbed
with this guy aboard. You're the worst! You're unhelpful,
you're unreliable, and you're the
last person I would want to share a lifeboat with! I can't believe
you feel this way. Well, then, goodbye, Steve. [splash] You want someone helpful
at sea, then I'm your man. The name's Buck
Wetnap, survivalist. OK. I once survived four days
in a Del Taco parking lot, extracting lifesaving nutrients
from puddles and bird shit. Why didn't you just
go into the Del Taco? I'm a Taco Bell man. [sniffing] Meh, I don't know if
I wanna go on this one. Smells like someone
already peed here. Yup, tastes like pee. Yuck. So how did you
become a race dog? Hold onto your
knockers, because it's a pretty heartwarming tale. NARRATOR: He was originally
cast as Eddie, the dog from "Frasier". But soon he discovered his real
talent, running fast to escape the advances of Kelsey Grammer. Nobody says no
to the Gram-man! You're saying Kelsey
Grammer has sex with dogs? Yeah, Niles bangs turtles. Everyone in Hollywood
knows this stuff. Oh, hey, babe. Hey, who's this? This is my new race dog. His name's-- Ryan. Ryan? Really? That's it? I-- I didn't know
you were racing now. Well, I figured since you
could do it, I'd try it out. Oh, OK. But racing's not easy. Not everyone has what I
have with Flea Biscuit. We've got a special
bond, don't we, boy? Yeah, well, I've got a
special bond with my dog, too. Oh, Ryan. Oh, yeah, you're such a good
boy, aren't you, Flea Biscuit? Good boy! Oh, you're the best thing
that's ever happened to me. Oh, yes, and you have
a super active tongue. Oh, my. OK, so we're gonna head home. Or just go to the park. Let's get to work. Fine. But why does your mouth
tastes like beets? It's 9:00 AM. Are you an early
morning beet-eater? That's insane. You're insane. But I'm insane, too. Insane for that big beet flavor! [muffled screaming] Stan, is this is
a basketball gym? I told you, my
playing days are over. Yeah, but I was thinking
maybe this is more your speed. Ugh. I don't know, Stan. You think I'll fit in?
- Hey, everyone. I brought a new guy. His name is-- Billy Jesusworth. Billy Jesusworth,
this is Jackson, Dick, Buckle, Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq plays here? Us old heads gotta get
some games whenever we can. For me, it's all about the joy. Buckle plays here? Man, easy, Stan. Face! Ugh! Bucket, and the foul. Why are you doing this to me? Because you called me old. You're the one who's old! You're washed up. What, so you just brought me
here to make me look stupid? [sobbing] Damn, Stan. And you said that
guy was your friend. That's cold blooded. Shaq could use someone like
you for the 2 on 2 tournament. Hey, you serious right now? Absolutely. You seem like the
toughest dude out here. You noticed! Oh, my heart is
soaring right now. [sobbing] The far doors are locked. I'm gonna try the other ones. [sobbing] Hey, watch it, buddy. You watch it. We have 40 tons of
overalls to unload. Overalls? Whoa, you're
into overalls, too? I've been looking
for the perfect pair, but it's so hard
to find the right-- Chest pocket! Partner, follow my lead. [whistling] Come on, Jeff! [whistling] There's no cone to kick. Just get in. I'll explain on the way why a
second cone isn't important. Because this is perhaps my
most challenging character, both physically and
mentally, even more than my mentally challenged
bodybuilder character, Arnold Schwarzenegger. First I have to apply several
layers of this pungent lacquer face paint to really make it
look like I'm made out of wood. Which is important, because
almost all of my material is wood-based puns. Ugh, it smells worse than
Principal Lewis's index finger. Then Yeah painful
prosthetics to give me fully flappable eyebrows and ears. And finally, I inject
just a skosh of paralyzing agent into my arms and legs. Wow, you move
just like a dummy. Now, Steve, why do
you think I slapped you? It's because you
used a certain word. Do you know what that word is?
- Is it-- That's right. Never, ever call me a dummy. The word "dummy" is degrading. I am a manually articulated
performative kinesio maquette-- named Dudley Dingleberry. He liked it! Not so fast. I think the periods
imply detached sarcasm. Of course they do. The entire second verse you were
plucking instead of plinking. Don't you start, fish. You play that gusli like
a syphilitic babushka. Quiet! You're both bourgeois
mediocrities. Wait, where are you going? I don't need you
two to get famous. Most people just come to
hear the garmon, anyway. Fine, the mariachi
band at El Compadre's been begging me to join them. And I'll just become
a solo gusli sensation. [laughter] Look who thinks he's
the next Igor Kasminov! Oh, that is it. From here on, consider this
balalaika trio kaputski! Fine! Nothing will
unite us ever again! Presents! Haley, this megaphone is
the absolute top of the line. Certain to make you the
most annoying person at your next Occupy rally. Thanks, dingus! Roger, I found
you this limited edition porcelain doll of
Jon-Benet Ramsey as an angel! Are you implying
that there was any version of her that wasn't? Oh god, I love her so much! [sobbing] Klaus, we got you
a Tiffany fishbowl. It's just like your
regular fish bowl, except it's expensive
for some reason. Whatever. As long as I have the blue
box to show the girls. And finally,
for Stan, a custom Rolex with a special display
that counts down the minutes until Rachel Maddow's death! How did I pay for all this? Well, money of course. Oh, who are we kidding? We lifted it! We pinched it! We gave it the old zazu! I'm assuming from context that
"old zazu" also means stealing. Yes. [gasping] I can't believe
what I'm hearing. Shoplifting? Seriously, guys? For shame! [snickering] Francine, what are we
teaching our children, and aliens and fish? I may not have the
authority around here I once had, but damn it,
I still know what's right! I'm sorry, but Rachel Meadow's
death will just have to come as a pleasant surprise to me. Promise me, you two
will never steal again. OK, Dad. I promise we'll
never shoplift again. Will we, Mom? OK. Are we done here? Because we were in the
middle of a storm-off. Our balalaika trio is finished! I can't believe we're going
to see the Nationals play. We said it, and
we're doing it! (SINGING) Buy me some
peanuts and Cracker Jacks. I don't care if I--
wait, what are we doing? I wanna talk about my dad. I don't even like baseball.
- Well, me neither. I thought you wanted to go. I hate that game. So slow. Not like go-karts. I love go-karts. How great are go-karts? - So great.
- You know what we should do? We should call a cab, take
it out to the slick track. Totally. And then we'll just open it up
and see how fast we can-- what? No, Roger! I'm in a crisis with my father! Right, well, it seems
to me the only way you can regain the upper hand
is to assert your dominance. Luckily, I know an easy
way to make that happen. I've been trying to
think of a way all day. Surely it can't be that easy. As a matter of fact, it is. And please stop
calling me "Shirley". [laughter] How great is the
movie "Airplane"? So great. [laughter] The pilot has an unnatural
interest in that little boy! It didn't seem
unnatural to me! [laughter] Here we are, suburban
teenage house party. Booze and hormones
are a-flowing. Anyone can get laid
here, even you. Just watch old Bing Cooper for
a while, learn from the master. You're my Obi-Wan. I'm gonna give
you two seconds. Leave that [bleep] right
out here on the lawn. Bing! What's up fools? Wildcats take state! Yeah! - How does everyone know you?
- What do you mean? I throw parties
here all the time when my parents go out of town. My parents are super into me. Who were-- you grew up here? Well, we lived in
Wisconsin till I was 5. Then my dad got transferred. He worked for Toyota. That's how I learned
to speak Japanese. Moo Shu pork, Melissa. Hey, Beth. Hey, Bing. Here we are, the epicenter
of drunk girls, the kitchen. They wanna be close to
the booze at all times. I don't know if I
can do this, Roger. Hey, do you wanna be the
alpha male of the house or not? OK, OK. But how do I approach them? What-- what do I say? Just say the three sweet
words they long to hear-- "jello shot, bitch?" Jello shot, bitch? Make it happen, Steve. Bing, I just saw
an acceptance letter from UCLA on your fridge. What's going on? I thought we were going
to Arizona State together. [sighs] This isn't how I
wanted you to find out. I wanted you to
find out by me not showing up at Arizona State. Sorry, I'm late. I was in IKEA, and I couldn't
figure out how to leave. Every path led back
to home office. It's OK, Dr. Penguin. I've been feeling
really guilty about-- Hold on. Well, I've just been-- Um, hang on. There we go. Shoot. Dr. Penguin, I'm still
hiding my new girlfriend from my mom and dad. Uh-oh. That's normal, a teenager
embarrassed of his parents. It's more than that. I've actually been
pretending my neighbors Greg and Terry are my parents. Yes, I know them. I painted them. My folks would be devastated
if they knew the truth. What should I do? Wow. I am hungrier than I thought. [sniffing] And you need to keep lying. What? Eventually it'll
become second nature, and you'll stop feeling guilty. OK. Thanks, Dr. Penguin. I always feel safe here. How many times have you been
playing with yourself a day? Three. We're gonna that to five. You can take this
prescription to any room in the house with Kleenex
and have it filled. Thanks, doc. I can't believe the family
comes to you for therapy. People shouldn't
ignore their emotions and avoid their problems! What do you know? You're just a stupid fish. I am a man in a fish's body. I studied psychology at
Frankfurt University! If they came to me
with their problems, I could actually help them,
not to mention get the respect I deserve in this family! Snowglobe! No, no! You Sgt. Pepper? You're the one who cleaned
the toilet by the grotto? Yes, sir. You're a wild
man, you know that? He's a wild man. You know that? I want to shake your hand. Thank you, sir. How many toilets
have you cleaned? I'm-- I'm not quite sure. Sergeant, I asked
you a question. 873. 873. That has to be a record. What's the best way to clean
one of them stink holes? The way that you don't
get turd in your hair, sir. [laughter] That's a good one. Spoken like a wild man. Sgt. Pepper, you've been
officially discharged. Nothing doing. I can't fit in with
civilized society no more. When I go to bed
at night, I see men hovering over me with their
naked asses in my face. I'm not ready to leave that. Oh, bring me up. Let me talk to him. But you have to come back! I ruined the family. They need Dr. Penguin. Tough titcacas. What now, White James? You always think
of something, Klaus, like when you
convinced my parents to let me go to art school. [snoring] Goodbye, Sgt. Pepper. [bugle playing] What am I doing here? This isn't a chambly. This isn't my aunt's place. Aunt Evelyn? Aunt Evelyn, me, Raphael! Raphael Penguin! Good morning, Dr. Penguin. Ready to come home? Thank you. We'll call your fake
name when it's ready. Next! Roger? The name is Kevin Ramage. Roger? I'm only doing
this one more time. The name is Kevin Ramage. Word on the street is, you're
horning in on my business. Yeah, well, word on the
street is, your product sucks. Yeah, well, word
on the street is, I don't have a comeback for that. But what I do have are
these brawny side men. Show 'em the rough stuff, boys! [groaning] If you don't get
out of my territory, this is gonna be you. Get lost, Ramage. Yeah, there's a new
counterfeiter in town. And his name is Steve. No, Haley. I've given a lot
of thought to this. From now on, my
name is Gutenberg. Oh, like the inventor
of the printing press. Steve Gutenberg invented
the printing press? OK, guys, I believe
we've made our point. If you two don't back
off my territory, then this is what's
waiting for you. That's right. So you better think
long and hard. [groaning] I brought you guys here so
you can get to know Gina better. I know you have your doubts,
but once you get to know her I'm sure you'll see what I see. Oh. Breathe. Hey, guys. Hot enough for you? [laughter] Listen, chuckles. I know what you're up
to, and I don't like it. I don't know what
you're talking about. Don't you? Kiss her, Mommy, kiss her. Yeah. Come on, Maxie, it's
too crowded in here. Let's go play some volleyball. You go. I'll have fun
watching you have fun. OK! Hey, why don't you two
lovebirds kiss before you go? Love to. Mwah! [vomiting] See, Max? She's repulsed by you. What? She does that
every time we kiss. She says it's because
she gets so excited. Max, are you OK with that? With what? [laughter] It's like a damn Dr.
Dre video out there. I see what you mean. I've been an old fool. This is not right. No, it's not right! It's offensive! Right in your face. What's happening? I zoned out for a second. I can't do this anymore. Gina. Gina, can I talk to you? [indistinct speech] That's right, bitch, cry. No more money for-- why is
he getting down on one knee? Please be a bomb. Please be a ring bomb. You were right! I needed to lock this down. We're getting married! Mwah. [vomiting] Steve, meet the fellas. This is Dill Shepherd
and Johnny Golf. Actually, it's Johnny
Golfscrimandtennis, but that's a real mouthful. The calamari, the
ribeye, the turkey club, the key lime pie, and the
crab stuffed Dover sole. Yo! That's enough of that. Steve, honey, finish pushing
that onto the floor for me. [clattering] Good boy. Here's a hundo. I don't like this, Horatio. These are not the
type of people I want my son to be influenced by. Don't worry, Stan. He's a good kid. I'm sure he'll be able to
keep his head on straight. Woohoo! ROGER: Yeah, I hate
birds, and am therefore glad that you kicked one. Here is money! Mom, told me this is a joke. There's no way you
married this guy! She did. Now we're registered
at Crate & Barrel, but if you'd rather
make something, that would be a
lot more special. But I don't-- Oh, you wanna know how we met? Sit, sit. After all this time, I never
get tired of telling our story. At first, we barely
even got along. BETTY: But then we realized
we had a ton in common. ROGER: Like telling this story. We both apparently love
telling this story. I thought I was just gonna do
it on my own, but, oh, well. In addition to both of us
loving tea, it turns out Betty and I are also both huge fans
of laughing while drinking tea. [laughter] BETTY: Tom eventually invited me
to take a beginners yoga class. We connected on a physical,
emotional, and spiritual level. I haven't been this happy
since I was with Hercules. That was three days ago. Betty, can you give me
a hand with the champagne? I'll miss you. I'll miss you more. Not possible. You married my mother
just to get your attic back! Why on earth would
I want my attic back if it meant having to share
it with some old lady I didn't even love? I'm sorry you don't
trust me, but what your mother and I have is real. To true love. To happy endings. Oh, you. I know what that means. Prove it. Mom, I've known
this guy for years. He's a manipulative sociopath! Stan! It's OK, Betts. Big family changes are often
hardest on the children. Let's just take it step by step. You know, Stan,
Betty and I would love to have you and Francine
over for dinner tonight. Well, you can just forget-- That sounds wonderful, Tom. Stan, I think this actually
might be good for your mom. [moaning] Ugh! Well, look who it is. Sun's already almost
up, Sleeping Beauty. I was stuck in
the wall, fighting off hundreds of tiny spiders! Oh, yeah, we're
raising spiders now, too. I'm gonna sell 'em to
a Spider-man movie. Which we'll never see, of
course, because we're foregoing all modern technology. On pain of shunning? Done. We'll need maximum discipline,
because this homestead must succeed. I quit my job and
took out a mortgage with a 39% interest rate
to pay for the renovations. You did what? The bankers were high fiving
while I signed the paperwork. Looking back, probably
should have been a red flag. Maybe we need to
worry less about me becoming farm tough and more
about you being so farm stupid! [gasping] Shun her, Stan! She talketh back to thee, dude! Hold up. Wait, though, I wanna
get this for my TikTok! [gasping]
- Google! Aw, shit. I'm gonna get shunned, aren't I? Roger has violated
the rules of the farm. He must be shunned. It was one mistake. And we just came
up with the rule. Why are you being
so hard on him? Because modern
luxuries make us soft. Roger, you are shunned. Whatever. I'm still the most Amish
mother [bleep] here.
I love that this over an hour+ mashup is actually from the TBS channel.