Alzheimer’s and Dementia Changed My Life : Debra Tells the Whole Story

[Music] thank you today I'm going to open up my soul to you and I'm going to share my agonizing story it began several years ago I like so many others was struggling with an aging parent and like so many I was totally unprepared you may ask how could someone in the center of senior care a highly regarded professional with all of the available resources and connections struggle when dealing with an aging family member well it beats the hell out of me but that's exactly what happened I'm a statistic my mother is a statistic when my world collapsed beneath my feet when I could feel nothing but pain when the trauma and confusion consumed me all I could do was tell anyone who would listen my horrible story I was beside myself I could not believe that this was happening to me as I opened up to friends and colleagues in networking groups I quickly discovered that I was not alone my mother was my best friend we had an amazing loving relationship we spent lots and lots of time together we saw each other almost every day and certainly spent every single holiday together But as time went by and Alzheimer's crept into our lives things began to change as my mother's brain cells began to deteriorate so did our relationship that is my biggest regret the more I tried to help the angrier she became ultimately the out-of-state relative came a Colin and without my knowledge she signed over full power of attorney to my mentally unstable suicidal brother Yes you heard me correctly mentally unstable suicidal alcoholic pill pop and brother she and he decided that Mom would move to Ohio I was angry hurt but also relieved our visits were getting harder as her dementia took hold of her brain started to change our relationship emotions that I am still struggling with today I knew in my heart that this was not a good decision for her as my husband and my daughter and I left my mother's condo after a tearful goodbye I turned to them and said the next time I see my mother she will be in a casket this will prove to be a Monumental statement saying goodbye to Mom was a crushing day for me and my family we knew that our lives would never be the same again after seeking the advice from many of my elder law attorney friends I decided to make peace with her decision with the expectation that she she would soon change her mind and return home well it took her two and a half years looking back now I can see the chain of events were just classic she was picked up on a Sunday and on Thursday evening I got the first distress call now that was fast I could hear the urgency in my mother's voice she was asking me if I had cashed the check from the sale of her condo you see my mother had always been an intelligent woman and she had worked with an elder law attorney to secure her assets and protect them from a nursing home she urgently wanted to know if I had cashed the check because apparently my brother had filed for a bankruptcy and would lose his portion to the bankruptcy court I could hear my brother coaching her in the background she was trying to rework all the money after the fact and I told her that it was way too late to make any changes and that it would be illegal and I would not get involved I did however tell her that I would gladly put my share of the money into a trust for her so that the money would be there and available if she needed it later on bankruptcy red flag number one my brother was charging my mother seven hundred dollars a month rent for a small room in his house I later discovered that all of her Ethan Allen furniture 26 thousand dollars worth of furniture was given to my brother's daughter to furnish her new home and Mom had basically garage sale furniture and she didn't even have a headboard her car was gifted to the grandson which he totaled in less than a month my brother hates cats so my mom had to give up her beloved cat Prince foreign she fell in the shower and broke her clavicle I suggested that an aid come and help her with showering mom said she would like that but this never happened mom could have easily afforded Home Care she had chest pain and was not sent to the hospital because she told the family she didn't want to go sometimes those with Alzheimer's no longer have choices her new doctor in Ohio told her that she did not have Alzheimer's and took her off all of her medications and within a few weeks she called me crying and begging me to contact her doctor here in Rochester to get her back on her pills my brother lost his job and he and his wife along with my mother moved two and a half hours away from the grandchildren and the great grandchildren mom was so looking forward to getting to know now it was just the three of them in Michigan she became even more isolated there were many frantic phone calls he's changing my will she says my brother calls me and asks for mine and my daughter's social security number which I refuse to Grant him knowing that you don't have to have a Social Security number to name someone in a will her will is perfect and did not need changing red flag number two several times my mother would call me and say that she wanted to come home I would go out and find her a place and then she'd change her mind stating things like he needs me he's sick you think my mother prior to leaving Fairport had a very full social life and went from daily activities with her friends and family to sitting in an empty house five days a week with a dog named buttons as her only companion she loved that dog she confided that she had trouble with the TV remote and also with working the telephone I'm guessing that area code may have been the problem Tim and Cindy worked on mom for a long time but finally convinced her to give them a hundred and thirty thousand dollars towards a house and a boat in the new town they were moving to according to my mother's best friend this was when things got much worse mom's friends said that as soon as Cindy got her dream home mom was completely ignored they wouldn't speak to her unless they wanted something mom told me that they would disappear all day on the weekends and when Cindy returned home from work she would lock the dog in the other room so Mom couldn't play with her there was a lack of food in the house and Tim refused to set up her medications Mom requested to go to church and was promised but she was never taken mom states to me that she has the house to herself all day it was her way of putting a positive spin on things but when they came home from work she said she stays in her bedroom because they need their space to work on their marriage I stay out of their way she says classic my husband and I get several messages on the answering machine from Mom saying that she's packing her bags and leaving she has no idea where she's going but she's going to leave she asks me to find her a place at least three or four times and I do only to be crushed when she changes her mind the yoyo effect is very depressing and disheartening during one of my mom's calls she states Cindy's a she's jealous of me it's very uncharacteristic of her to use such language is it the dementia of course I asked her what she meant by that and again she says she's a when I ask more she quickly backtracks and says never mind I don't push it another very regrettable moment in hindsight she's asked for a local Attorney's phone number in Michigan so that she can make me full power of attorney but then has trouble with the area code and the phone number as I struggled to decide if I should go and do the grab and Dash as one of the suggestions from an attorney I am stopped every time by my husband who reminds me of how much my brother hates me and the fact that he collects guns and is mentally unstable I am fearful that if he were to be home or catch me in the ACT he would no doubt shoot me my mom has told me on several occasions that I would not be welcome there I am in a constant state of conflict I know in my heart she is unhappy she hints but she doesn't outright tell me and I don't push it a last two and a half years go by and I have not seen my mom she is frantically calling me now several times a day they're putting me in a home I asked her if she wants me to talk to Tim and she tells me for sure this time she's going to come home we put a deposit down at Heathwood in Fairport we make all the arrangements the doctor's appointments the attorney appointments we hire the movers and they're ready to go we notify all of her friends and her church family of the upcoming reunion oh the joy she's finally coming home finally where she belongs we're all so so happy in a past life I was an interior designer and I was in my element decorating her apartment I kept giving her a little hints about it but mostly I told her it was going to be a surprise she was beyond excited to see it mostly she couldn't wait to be reunited with her friends her church and my daughter Olivia they had a very special bond it took only three weeks to get everything done I was moving a lightning fast she was miserable she said they don't talk to me anymore they only yell at me all they want is my money she wanted me to come and get her immediately but I didn't again dealing with that regret mom was to arrive by plane on Wednesday March 7th at 7 pm on Saturday March 3rd Tim and my mom were on their last trip to the blank Bank my suicidal brother had the cruise control on and claims he felt dizzy and passed out and he drove 55 miles an hour straight into a tree killing my mother when I finally found my brother in the hospital his exact words to me were I have four broken ribs a concussion a crushed larynx oh and by the way mom didn't make it by the way like she's an afterthought Tim had a loaded pistol on him at the crash site while I'm in total shock calling friends and family to share the devastating news I call my cousin her first her statement to me was immediate he did it on purpose I know he did this has Tim all over it so it's not over yet the horror continues the next day was Sunday I was desperately trying to reach my mom's best friend she was at church when her husband showed up to tell her the news of my mother's demise she raced to my house with even more devastating stories my mother had confessed to her that she and my brother's wife had gotten into an argument and Mom had gotten up to go to the bathroom Cindy grabbed her by the wrists Cindy said you're not going anywhere until we finish this she started crushing my mother's wrists and hands until she cried out in pain and said stop you're hurting me Cindy looked at my mother and said you can't stay here anymore at the funeral of which my brother knew nothing about the stories flooded in all of her friends said things like I only called when I knew they weren't home and she could talk more freely she asked if she could come and live with me she asked if I would go and get her why didn't anyone tell me why how did we all miss this her cries for help gone unnoticed I called my brother the next day and confronted him about the physical abuse thinking that he knew nothing about it but as soon as I mentioned it to him he confirmed the story almost word for word I have that conversation taped on my cell phone maybe I'll play it for you the next day mom had gone into my brother's room and shown him the marks and bruises on her wrists and her hands I asked him if he took her to the doctor to get X-rays and he said no obviously protecting his abusive wife rather than his elderly frail demented mother oh she's here for spring restraining workers and dollars papers yeah and I never saw any verses again when was this when she first got there yes and and Cindy wait mom was getting wait mom was trying to get up to go to the bathroom is that what you said wait I didn't really hear you you're kind of breaking up a little bit oh that's that's all I understood to be said but ago and I didn't really ask for those kind of details my interest wasn't in the physical and she she grabbed her where I know on the wrists and she left marks like bruises or red marks how long did they last for well they were cruises and I saw them and I don't know when exactly did she go to the doctor I'm sorry did she go to the doctor and have x-rays or anything I'm sorry I missed that did she go to the doctor or have x-rays or anything and so Mom came and told you this or Cindy came and told you this I asked her what happened I should give you that brief explanation that I told you I send you like that again in the jail but I I do appreciate you know that you know I already had a good chance now wait when this happened right when did you say Cindy within like a month or two of my mom came out came out in the early times I mean I mean it's two and a half years ago and she she didn't grab her by the hand she grabbed her by the wrists and she left bruises and marks on her there were some verses yes and what what did you say to Cindy like what did you like okay but I I want to tell you again Tim she is not welcome here she is not welcome at the services nothing she can sit in the hotel room because if I see her she's not welcome here and that goes for all of her friends nobody wants her here I'm talking about Grandma's friends Grandma's friends do not want her here because everyone knows about that story everyone because this was a big a club a club of her friends so it's been circulating okay okay I'll let you go bye I wanted Tim and Cindy to rot in jail I was obsessed with Gathering all the evidence I could get I dug deeper into all of her accounts and I hired a local forensic accountant you just can't make this stuff up tires for a car she didn't own dog food 750 dollars at Ulta beauty 250 dollars at Old Navy these are all stores my mother never would have shopped in four hundred dollars for chocolate checks clearly written by several other people and then signed by her for thousands and thousands of dollars large sums of money moved from account to account as I contacted the local law enforcement in Newaygo Michigan I finally secure an appointment with the prosecutor after a minimum of at least 40 requests he allows me to come to Michigan and tell my story for four long hours but won't even listen to my brother's taped confession prosecutors are not interested in these kinds of cases they're too hard to prove and they sway their ratios of wins to losses and no one cares the prosecuting attorney in Michigan actually told my lawyer she was 85 and didn't have much life left anyway so who cares he actually said that who cares her funeral was Wednesday March 7th at 7 pm the exact time she would have arrived home at the Rochester airport and the next time I saw my mother as predicted was in her casket if it can happen in me it can happen to you [Music] foreign [Music]

Channel: Answers About Alzheimer's

Views: 108,082

Keywords: alzheimer's story, alsheimerz, my dementia story, my dimentia story, my alsheimer'z story, alzheimer's training, dementia training, dementia caregiver, dimentia care givers, alsheimerz care givers, alzheimer's tragedy

Id: MbmSh7o_T0o

Length: 24min 3sec (1443 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 14 2023