Alcohol - The Buckin' you didn't know, a story of Victory.

friends good morning we had a day yesterday we had an mri it went well uh i haven't been able to cut split nothing for a while this is a quick disclaimer on this video that's all this is it's not what we're used to but i'm just interjecting in the beginning of this video to let you know that i do talk about my relationship with drugs and alcohol and about my past stuff that you do not know about me you do now about my journey as a young man becoming a man and and my struggles with drugs and alcohol this is this is like a slight view into what i went through this isn't a war story this is a story of victory but i do talk about stuff that we're not used to talking too about on this channel so it's just a quick disclaimer it's raw it's honest it just hit me in the bunker the other day i was fixing up my axe and i was sitting there and i was a little bit in a mood because i couldn't really test it i couldn't do much physically so i hope you enjoy this video i hope it can help somebody when i opened up this youtube channel i vowed to myself if i'm not helping if i'm just taking up space i'm not i'm gone i'm not gonna be here so enjoy this video share it with somebody that you know that might be struggling so this is part of my life over now friends enjoy see see the the this is why friends this is why i've been on the sax for hours okay i just have i've been on it for hours um i'm i i'm not gonna go in the ax production business like i mean slam boom bang all i do is make axes in here or wherever i mean let's be honest i'm probably gonna have the option to do what i want i always have done what i want and you should do the same why shouldn't you why shouldn't you you should we were meant we were put here it's our life i made a decision years ago friends that i am not going to work my my body i've been smashed to pieces i can't tell you how many times in the industry i love the bit the business but i'm a bit if i was to be very honest and truthful about it i was not broken properly i was a i was a a self-taught faller to be honest with you in the beginning and i i i'm a bit of a chance taker i am and i know this about myself i do stuff that others won't i don't know why i've always been that way i i i'm a i'm a a guy who who i had substance abuse issues when i was a young man and uh i was haywire just haywire i don't talk about it that much because i just don't i find it a boring story it's such a common thing today but you know what's even more common and more acceptable now recovery recovery from a fatal disease my pain was self-chosen right yeah mad season friends it is if you've got some kind of if you think you've got a drinking or a drug problem it's pretty simple you do you you probably do i don't talk about this all the time on the channel but i do from time to time because my heart wants people especially people who are trapped and afraid and scared to to to bear their soul friends i got no secrets none i can literally walk down the street with my freaking head holding up high i got i got it all out i got it all out i did it years ago 20 something years ago 20 23 years ago or something now i did i talked about the stuff that i had done that i wasn't real proud of i did i got rid of it and and the guy that i shared it with was like well i don't see that guy sitting in front of me today i said it's not that guy i did those things though and i ain't proud of it and i i'm very sorry for it and i would never do it again i couldn't even imagine thinking about doing it again it was my other life you see so i haven't drunk or done drugs in 23 years friends 25 i don't know somewhere's in there somewhere's in there seriously so i think that's why i i think i've had this kind of not a death wish that's a strong word but it's not far off i've always been a risk taker like you know everybody's done around they don't want to do it i'll go do it i'm just that guy i don't know why i was born that way i think but anyways that's let's not talk about that anymore but i i do i do know that there is a way out if you're struggling there is a way out and you just got to admit it and and admit it to yourself that that you got you got a problem and you're not a bad dude you're just not you're not a bad person um i learned a lot about that stuff when i when i got got my head on straight i did i learned a lot about it and and uh you know a lot of that stuff comes from from father issues you know uh some stuff you're born with i think i might have been born with it to be honest with you that that trait that phenomenon of craving you know what i mean like friends here's a little deal let's talk a little bit more about it here's the deal and if the young folks are watching listen close friends liquor for me liquor was like putting freaking some kind of nitroglycerin inside my veins i cannot explain it all i know seriously now don't don't don't i don't want to lose you i'm being serious friends it was like nitroglycerin i would drink and it would hit me you know down she'd go oh oh yeah how you doing pretty good nice to see you how's it going everybody i would change drastically but without the booze and without the drugs as much as i was a good person and good socially i was uncomfortable as heck i was very uncomfortable i couldn't really walk up and talk to people i know this may sound strange to you i know it may but friends i couldn't especially in a bar or a i just i felt very uncomfortable not drinking in a bar and i tried it because i got in trouble lots from wendy and i would try and stop drinking it was like why would i even go there it was it was hard so but as soon as get this one get this one as soon as i would think about that i i what am i not drinking for i'm at the bar or when he's mad at me i'll just go have one as soon as it didn't even hit my freaking pallet yet it didn't even hit it i just started sauntering over to the bar as soon as i made the decision you want on how powerful alcohol and drugs are look at the people on the street look at the street people they've made a decision to do that instead of love their children and love them it is powerful i'd been there it it but but i've i've got out friends i was going down i was going down there's no other way to put it and friends i wasn't a bad dude i was not a bad person i wasn't i'm telling you i was a good person i had lots of friends i was socially graced i got girl it did didn't matter it was it was good i didn't struggle with life drugs and alcohol were the only thing i couldn't i couldn't get a grasp on it i couldn't do it it literally turned me into an animal it was i like i was saying earlier it was like nitroglycerin yeah and bad things happened bad things happened so i quit when i was 27 years old because i was going to take myself out that's in a nutshell that's what was happening i was gonna take myself out so i was gonna say something else and then i forgot i forgot what i was gonna say but yeah the stuff uh oh as soon as the powerfulness of it the powerfulness of alcohol okay you want to know how powerful it was get this this is i can remember this like it was yesterday listen to this i remember the night i was in the i was in trouble because i'd been on a party and my wife was going down to the bar wendy was my girlfriend at the time she was going down to the bar they were just going to the bar well i was coming to the bar too but she said if you drink you're out of here like it was bad i was getting bad friends i went to the bar i felt so uncomfortable friends i mean i just i did i didn't know where to put my hands in my pockets i didn't know whether to sit stand i felt i can't explain the feeling just very uncomfortable in my skin so to me to me alcohol was the solution you see what i mean it was the solution i drank for the solution to me it was a solution so i just i just i just remember that night i'm saying forget it forget it i can't i can't be like this i'm going to have a drink friends i swear i swear i swear i started walking okay remember before that a few minutes before that i literally was like a kid in a corner like this not not couldn't really hey you know nothing i was very uncomfortable get this i said no i'm forget it i'm going for a vodka i started walking to the bar on my way to the bar i hadn't even drank yet on my way to the bar how's it going i didn't completely different person confident i'm like i hadn't even drank i'd made the decision in my mind that i was gonna have a drink so it was all gonna come back to me and everything was gonna be okay friends i'm telling you this is a freaking strange video for me but i want you to understand that i was not long for the world friends back in my 20s i i wasn't i don't miss alcohol one bit not one bit when i cleaned up i ended up going to do to a center i i i was gonna i was gonna take myself out and uh and and by the grace of god somebody came to my door that morning the girl i worked with she came to my door knocked on the doors to knock on the door like what come on come on just wretched been on a four day drinking bender driving drinking drugging partying not sleeping bad news bad news and uh she come in and she looked at me and she went br oh my i'm phoning the treatment center right now i'm phoning jane we knew this we knew these people you know what happened to me i was sitting there with nothing nothing i had nothing i had my pickup truck i couldn't pay rent rent was gone i was going down i didn't have nothing i bought i had no food my fridge i bought a six-pack i scraped up the jinglies around my to buy freaking beer that day i phoned my mom and she said something to me that's my last ditch effort as my mom always she said don't phone me when you're drunk you gotta you got a drinking problem go to an aaa meeting that's what my mom told me i swear to god i swear to god that's what she said to me she'll tell you and then that knock on the door came i went to the treatment center three days later i said i was sitting there and she said i'm gonna phone the treatment center she said this this this co-worker of mine came over and saw me and she said i'm gonna i'm gonna call call the treatment center i said i looked at her and i said call him call him i surrendered right there and then right there and then i surrendered i almost cried thinking about it i don't know why i did at that moment because i think the next move for me was the street honestly i do i do i think it was the street 1997 january 13th i went in i sobered up i went into a treatment center i think on the 17th of january i stayed there for 41 days 40 40 days or something like that friends in that 44 days or whatever i learned so much about me and alcoholism and drug addiction and and and and i i i literally was i was on fire and i remember saying i just want to be the crazy because i was nuts drinking i was absolutely nuts back flips freaking house of the party you know life of the party wild man wild man okay seriously friends bad news not good and uh so um what was i talking about oh so it's comes time for me to leave the center friends i swear to you if that was a western door that was going like that i'd have come out of guns and blazing it's time to live i never looked back not once never had a toke a sip a drink a snort a nothing never again not one nothing i was done i was done and you know why i look on it now i'm not religious i'm not religious i am not a religious person i didn't grow up in religion i don't go to the church i go to a church for a wedding and a funeral my mom raised me do unto others as you would have them do unto you and that god is everything everywhere and god is love that's how i was raised and karma what you do will come right back to you she drained me this way or raise me this way so i would i think i grew up maybe on the spiritual end of things so uh i kicked them doors off that freaking hinge of that thing and i went i got my truck and i went back to my landlord and i said i'm sorry i went i went bad on the run i'll have your rent money tell you and i'm coming back and letting them [ __ ] leave no no no no no no no no no no no and i made it i made it i did it i didn't look back once i never used i nothing i went to aaa for freaking years i went for years if somebody was struggling they come to me and say buckingham would you take me to a meet and i'd say right now which one let's go i've never ever talked about that on this channel never not once is this video even going yes it is i'm so glad it is we're running a we're running out of freaking i don't want to lose this moment i want to plug us in because i i i'm i'm freaking dead serious about this stuff i don't talk about it i don't use it as a crutch i don't use it as a okay that's good good you know what i mean friends i don't uh i don't say how you doing my name is buck and billy ray recovered drug addict an alcoholic that's not that's not my gig uh i'm not i don't care class of my classify myself as a miracle a lot of people do that that clean up they do they classify themselves as a miracle i don't i'm a uh i'm a realist uh i'm not a miracle i'm the farthest thing from a miracle miracles are when someone can walk on water that is a miracle right am i am i am i right yes i am because that is a miracle i'm a guy who i don't know why i got salvaged out i i don't i don't know why but i've been salvaged out a few times in my life in the bush a couple times that time there's something up for me friends and i don't know what it is yet i'm 52 coming up this april and i literally don't know where my life's going i don't i don't know where i'm going isn't that crazy [Laughter] i don't know where i'm going but here's the thing i'm doing what i've always done my entire life this thing uh friends i've been on one of these as long as i was allowed to handle one i've been feeding a wood stove for well 45 years friends when i came out of that treatment center i was a salesman i had a job selling men's clothing yes indeed i did it was a high-end menswear clothing store and i worked there for seven years and my boss had seen me at my absolute worst but i made him dough and i worked when i worked and when i didn't i didn't show up and i didn't phone i was awful i was horrible i was i was a the the epitome of an alcoholic and drug addict i was a binger i didn't drink every day i'd go two weeks three weeks without drinking that wasn't that guy but when i got started on booze that booze took went my veins and it took me for three days always two never one always three day benders and i get into the drugs and i was a complete write-off wendy was with me in those times we'd been together five years she watched me go down she was sad for her and she left me she finally left me friends she did she left me and it was the biggest gift i'd ever received from that woman was when she left me that day i came home after a bender and there she was with the move-in truck moving out and i thought to myself you want to know what i thought i thought good she's going now i can really party not have anybody to answer to do you know how horribly terribly badly i didn't want her to go that one hurts a bit that one hurts when i talk about that excuse me drugs and alcohol it's so sad it is it's it's it's so sad friends it is it it's it's terrible it it friends i'm a good man i am i'm a good person i wasn't a bad person i wasn't i was not a bad person i didn't i wasn't mean to people i i i was i was mean to me you know what i mean i was just a good guy that that just that typical old thing is a good guy until you give him the booze you know what i mean you want an instant a-hole give them booze and even then i wasn't like i wasn't bad until i got really bad and and uh yeah so she left me she left me and uh and i went i i didn't last long after that friends i missed her so bad i didn't want her to go but i didn't ha i was so deluded that i didn't need anybody i didn't need nothing i had my booze and my drugs and i didn't need nobody i was going to the street i was i was going to the street so uh i'll jump ahead because i i so she left me and then i i went crazy and partied hard and then i ended up down in the basement of my basement suite remember when that person came and knocked on the door i was telling you about there okay yeah well that was after like like my bingeing days were going into like six days seven eight nine i went on a 10 or 11 day drinking bender just reckless horrible horrible and that's when i came back to my you know my my place there and i had no food nothing my job was gone uh you know i i had nothing nothing i had nothing and i i was gonna go i was gonna go climb a tree that was how i was gonna take myself out there's a tree we used to climb i've talked about that i think once or twice on the channel but uh that's how i was gonna do myself in there was a big fur tree that me and my younger brother used to climb drinking i mean this isn't the greatest video for kids but it's my it's part of my story it's part of my story and and and i want you to know i i want you to know that that please please listen to me please listen to me if you think you have a problem you probably do it's not that complicated friends put it this way people who who don't even think about that like people who don't think they have a problem they don't ask that question to themselves they don't it's not a problem if you think you've got a drinking problem you probably do so i fought for for years i fought with it tried to be good tried to do this tried to drink on the weekends tried to drink only beer tried this tried that i tried everything under the sun i'm a drunk and a drug addict that's what i am and god loves drunks and fools he has mercy on him he did me he did me here i am is he so like i say i don't care what you think of me i don't friends it would be great if you liked me but if you don't i really don't care honestly i don't because i like me i do i actually like me now but i didn't before i loathed myself friends i did i did not like i couldn't look in the mirror i'd look in the mirror like this i would never look into my eyes i couldn't do it i could not do it i couldn't look into my eyes i hated myself actually because i knew i shouldn't be doing what i was doing but i couldn't stop i couldn't stop so i don't know where this came from we were talking about an axe so i want to finish though with one little story i went to a treatment center that woman knocked on the door and i said phoner three days later i i went and put my truck somewhere i talked to my landlord i said i'm sorry i'm in a bad way i'm gonna go get my crap together i'd like to i'd like to come back here if i can she says no problem young fella just i got honest i got honest and i said i'm i'm having problems with drugs and alcohol and i want to go get looked after i want to go find myself and she was like you go i'll have this here when you know what i mean soon as i got honest life started to work out as soon as i got honest and just forget the bs just i i i i'm wrecked i i go i'm something's wrong with me help help please help me right please help me you know i i wasn't a religious person friends so when you ask me what faith is faith is when there's nothing left that's when i reached out faith for in what faith and what i don't i knew there was something i knew there was something there had to be something so that's what i grabbed onto my childhood god a guy i used to talk to when i was walking down them country roads and riding my pedal bike when i was a young kid a young athlete an innocent young kid i was always talking to myself always playing little games and talking to somebody there someone i was talking to i don't know who it was it can be whatever you want it to be so i went anyways friends sorry my my wife just called and we lost the video there and i forget where i was but yeah so i so i spent the time in the center and i booted the hinges off the door and i went out living you know what i did wendy's already with another man listen to what i'm saying right now listen to me listen to me she was gone she was go she was out of my life she was she was with another man she went oh gosh oh that hurt it hurt so bad but i was so freaking determined that this i was done i'm i'm going on this journey i'm going on this i'm done i'm done so i came out and i got a hold of her i said you need to come and see me and say oh here we go again how many times did she hear me say i'm done drinking and i'm drunk and i'm done i'm fine i'm gonna fix up so i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry please just let's let's try again every time she heard that so i said wendy you need to come see me she came to see me and i told her straight to her face and you know what i says wendy are you coming with me i'm done and you know what she'd heard that so many times but she said to me later it took her a month to figure it out she said no because i said you can't be drinking and and carrying on not not now we're going on a spiritual journey me and you let's do it let's go i want you as my woman i want you as my woman and uh she uh she went away she said she said no no no i'm not doing that and she came back a month later friends she did she came back a month later and uh and she's been clean and sober like me for a long long time and uh i love that woman so much but i said to her you can't be drinking and drugging we gotta do this we gotta do it together and we did my kids have never seen me drunk i was a sad sad case friends i i mean i was sad i was sad so i left the treatment center i got my woman back i went back and got her back i quit my job i went into my boss and i said i can't work here no more i went back to my job selling clothes and i'm like literally literally friends i was like what in the heck am i doing here what am i doing here went to my boss i said boss and there's more to it like i would go and get i'd go up the mountain with my power saw my old mechanic that one right there and i would go up and get firewood and come down and put the firewood in the yard and then i'd go to my nine 12 to nine shift selling freaking clothes but i didn't i didn't it didn't work for me i i couldn't it was i was turning into a man i was creating who i wanted to become and i couldn't get there because of the booze and the drugs i couldn't do it wouldn't allow me it was terrible i wanted to be a stand-up hard-working son of a you-know-what that's just what i wanted i had no dad i had nobody to i had no role models my mom raised me i was i was just [ __ ] i wasn't even blocking i was br you can create yourself you want to do something you want to be somebody you do it you say i'm going to do that not i'm going to try and do that you say try you've just opened the door of failure there's no failure and i'm doing this i wanted to be a faller i almost died doing it i said to my boss i'm quitting i'm going to sell firewood and he said don't do that buck and don't do it billy ray at the time don't do it i said thanks for the vote here's my notice two weeks later down i went me and mama cola went my grab my girl we went downtown i bought that power saw and i started my journey friends this has been a long video she's coming up the driveway right now with groceries she phoned me that's why the video stopped i got to go help her with the groceries um friends i love you people so much more than you probably will ever know i i i'm i am what you see i am what you see if you're looking for some kind of shoe to drop or something it ain't gonna happen i enjoy to give i love giving i do um i need nothing i need food and shelter love is nice i love you people my wife's here now i just seen her pull in she came back we made a life we had a couple of kids and i started my journey as a wood man here we are i'll see you on the next video please if you think you've got a problem with drugs and alcohol please it's very simple you may over now friends be kind

Channel: Buckin' Billy Ray Smith

Views: 112,898

Rating: 4.9725103 out of 5

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Id: lIbZkJqCjjE

Length: 32min 39sec (1959 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 30 2020