Ajahn Sucitto – Feel what you think

so in this retreat session retreat format just just ask to feel what you feel it doesn't have to be um whole uh you know bringing up difficult things but just to get to know to feel how you feel what does that mean give me a number of things clearly we feel physically but more significantly we feel the general tone i feel comfortable i feel interested they're not really feelings their whole kind of emotional streams emotionally emotional states heart states we call them mind states especially their heart states you know which could be i feel enthusiastic i feel uncertain i don't think i don't think i've got enough time even though we say i don't think i've got enough time we get to the feeling it's pressure pressure so to know what you feel because often we think ourselves i don't think i can manage i think i'm doing pretty good i think that other person has got doesn't like me very much uh i think when meditation isn't that good really yeah what do you feel this is very important because most of the time we're not necessarily experiencing violent surges of emotion though that does occur most significant is just getting the sense of a self-reference and really getting down to the heart quality the emotional quality of that self-reference now self-reference may not even seem like a self-reference it may seem like you know oh i think there's a lot of people waiting for me but you're involved i think there's a lot of people waiting for me i don't let them down okay what's the feeling fear right pressure fear [Music] i think that this practice is the most important thing in my life yeah what's the feeling eager you know something really swelling up okay justin so you try to translate your your verbal um references into heart references [Music] and so you're getting you getting familiar with that any scenario in which you appear all right i really don't think that jeffrey harry really did a good job here yesterday she don't even appear in that in verbally but i think that harry and john didn't know god good didn't do a job good job here what's that you're still involved with it because you're forming the thought aren't you you're in that what's that frustration maybe yeah disappointment a little bit of anger i mean you're not flaring with rages i feel like let me down and if you go into it the feeling of yeah people never do really what i want them to do they never turn up on time and you get these never always i always have to do it myself because i never get a chance they'll take because nobody else really does as much as i do okay do you any of those [Laughter] okay what's the feeling um yeah it's good no no no it's always just one word the heart only speaks one word the head speaks many words so there's a lot of words you're still referring to the head description the thought description you get down to the heart it's one word it's it's abandoned alone uh not cared for well that's three words but you see what i mean it's just one bop then you get that oh what's that feel like oh no that's got some energy in it there's a certain familiarity to that pattern certain yes oh here i am again you know and where's that when you get that reference swirling tangled then i felt it's kind of uneasy feeling in my guts okay you got it you know so why do we want it why do we want to get it anyway it doesn't sound very pleasant well because instead of thinking about john and harry not turning up and doing the jobs he wanted him to do and so and having his chit chat in your head which you then probably believe in and next time you see john and harry you think oh there's so-and-so never does a good job you know you've got this whole story going on in your head yeah about you always have to do all the work here nobody ever turns up on time you get that one all that story going on so when you sit and meditate it starts babbling you know it's feeling of frustration or alone whatever it is that the gut sense of sinking and now's the time to what's it need because now it's in your body and this is good because once you get it to the body you get a slight bodily shimmer or sense or misting or cramping or flaring it could be quite slight it could be quite profound it could be it's generally these very sensitive areas throat the face the head belly chest you know the whole upper torso is the is where the the memory generally the most the memory is there and it touches into something that's got a certain me profile to it i always have to do i never get nobody supports me they always do this to me you know that kind of impression wow okay let's have a look feel that one if it's in my gut what's needed what does it need now i don't want it i don't want it i think it's stupid i don't want it i should get over it it's silly get on with life no no that's what i want but this isn't about what i want this is about chitta heart being cleared of this emotional profile of being the one who's left out for example and everybody gets this sooner or later surely okay so what does it need this sense don't think about it just go into your body feel the air of your body if you can feel it in a particular area this is great because then staying in that air and expanding your awareness to include a wider degree of your body body starts to do something generally breathes it always breathes but the breathing takes a particular turn sometimes it it breathes out or sometimes it sort of [Music] it's not exactly the air breath it's the the life force as it manifests in breathing gives a little shift and then oh suddenly there's a move sense occurs in the body of a oh yeah and then there's a feeling of release so it means we can take these seemingly you know it's embarrassingly petty issues and squabbles and topics that come up in our day as as threads if you follow the thread it takes you back to some aspect of the emotional profile okay that if you actually work on that emotional profile and embody it let the body feel it breathe it there can be a softening and releasing a transformation transformation of your emotional profile yeah so what uh so yeah you see what i mean in general principle i've tried to use a simple topic one there another one all the kitchens the kitchen's a real mess i got back from work today in the kitchen's a real mess oh i'm gonna go and clean it and i tied it up i'm really gonna go i've got to get there don't pitch in such a mess i don't believe it in a mess so you start cleaning up this thing you know you're working until six you get home from work kitchen's a mess you start to do and you know and like how did it get to be your kitchen how did it get to be your mess that you have to clean up how did he how did that happen that's your emotional profile won't work i'm not saying you shouldn't clean the kitchen i'm just saying any compulsive reflex that's that's you say that well that's great you know she cleans the kitchen and gets homework in the kitchen what a wonderful person but she doesn't feel like a wonderful person she feels like a person has to do all the work and uh you know and you know and it takes on a disproportionate amount of the work in in the in the house or in the monastery and it's actually then not doing what is necessary to look after herself himself all right yeah what is it the property you get from work put your things down [Music] be where you are okay how you feeling probably a bit frazzled tired traffic you know busy day still with that don't start cleaning the kitchen up now not from that you're in a workaholic mode and then your workaholic attitude is taking you to the next work project okay because that's where you're set your setting is you're in the working got to get things done mode and then you're going to go into the next thing yeah and that's not suitable even it's not a you know it's not a horrible profile but it's still a compulsion and this system needs to be properly cared for clean respected looked after so is it possible to you know without you know take a breath so see what i mean this can be ordinary domestic situations but of course every situation we're in relational domestic work whatever it is is the result of our own hearts our chitter just taking us into that probably it's got some good in it probably the bits that are a bit oppressive or difficult but we've created our world our intimate world without even knowing it you think it's there and in a sense it is because my system is seeing that i come home from work i see the dirty the kitchen's miss i don't see the dog feeling happy to see me i made you know i don't see you know the flowers on the table and i don't see the uh i don't feel my body breathing in and out which is certainly happening instead i see the next thing i have to do and so our attention is pretty biased according to our emotional profile of course we don't just have one setting on that but there are certain you know that's one isn't it the obligation that i've got to get things done and it's mine my responsibility yeah so now there are certain um so this is both the emotional energy which is happening there's the compulsive nature of it it's happening and then there's a self self as an identification with it right rather oh that's that's happening but i am it i'm acting upon it that's karma and that's so you got these different currents the first is the initial triggering current that which is that triggering that being affected how am i feeling i see that i see the kitchen's in a mess how does that how do i feel okay just uh not happy unhappy not good you know why what's going on how is that so not saying it's wrong just does that so is that how you might strange enough you might very well say to the you're part of the person next year because she's in mexico looks pretty good to me looks all right yeah i mean that's a bit yeah that's sure they don't see it isn't this they see it a little bit casual but this happens this is where of course you get people having arguments and and you know you don't understand it's a complete and so i don't see the problem it's fine to me you know i'm sure i suppose if you look at it closely yeah it's a bit of dirt there but what's the big deal about that you idiot so this is where things happen isn't it domestic violence over different emotional profiles so okay but that's your that's yours we're not gonna have an issue with that but the self the action and then you get certain so you see that's another part of the original triggering there's a sense of firming up around that taking in and then activated by it right so that's another emotional compulsion we might have the the original triggering one thing and then there's the emotional compulsion to bind around it and act upon it and solidify it now this also happens you know long-term feuds either sectarian violence he's a protestant he's a catholic we hate him you know he's come back northern ireland kind of thing happens he's black you know ignorant rapist or something or the other these things happen do you get sectarian thing device if you can happen in fit in families that's my niece who's a lazy so-and-so never you know she didn't you know somebody becomes identified with my emotional projection onto them before they even open their mouths [Music] that whereby we don't actually open to receive something fresh as it is we're seeing things through very tinted tinted heart spectacles and then we take a stand on it some of these can be really really gripped you know so we get situations where the identification is so strong that that a person cannot let it go because it's my hatred that keeps me going my grudge i will carry to my grave my resentment and grudge because it's become me and i'd feel confused without it i mean clearly people don't think this way but grudges and things of this nature can be held with such tenacity because it becomes myself and it tells me where i am it becomes almost a security device yeah you know i hate the people next i hate the people next door i hate jews i eat muslims or whatever right now i know where i am so i'm not gonna let that one go because it gives me an identity you know and then you know anybody who challenges their identity i'm not going to listen to them so people is you know the in and they don't really realize the insecurity underneath that that means you have to take a position on something on an emotional response in order to feel secure another thing that can occur around this this selfie then becomes the more significant the emotional tendency itself everybody gets angry everybody gets sad everybody gets uh fearful everybody feels insecure everybody gets this that another everybody gets feeling dumped on everybody feels joyful everybody gets happy you know these are not he's a very normal palette of human emotions yeah now they they can be managed but if there's a big self sitting on top of them they can't that acts as like as a seals them in to the identity packets of membrane around it that seals it all in now you can also get so the self thing is the main thing now obviously get a kind of another layer around that which is a kind of um a sort of a with a superego self which says uh you know uh you shouldn't feel like this or don't bother with that that's that's true so you get something that actually stops you penetrating that particular that particular identity i'm always this way that's the way it's going to be i'm always like this that's just my nature i'm always it's because i did the bad 25 years ago i did bad i really messed up so i'm like this don't enter it i feel insecure and i'm an addictive personality because of this so you get a sabotage program that stops the inquiry and the objective unwrapping of this whole package or i feel miserable but i don't deserve to feel good anyway because i'm such a perfect person so we get something called a sabotage program uh which then kind of nullifies any compassionate intelligent unfolding unwrapping of these other um pro pack these other um aspects of the whole process you've got the original emotional quality which itself may be conditioned or biased and confused and unwholesome yeah then you get the identity around it which tends to fixate upon it and then you get something that stops stops looking at the fixation dismisses it doesn't think it's important says it doesn't matter says it's only a personal thing not make a big deal out of it or says you can't cope with it anyway or you don't deserve to do it do anything about it anyway these kind of things you get so you get the different layers the original thing the self and then the the um super self or the super ego around it now you know what we want to do ideally is to sort of just see if we can get past these these self layers into the core process itself because that that's that's direct and and uh the self stuff you know it falls away if the original emotional trigger is understood and released properly because in order to release these we might say our fundamental emotional patterns and processes and reflexes we have to build nourish grow a core presence an embodied core stable open spacious presence that can do that because i can't do it that's myself thing myself cannot undo that you can only add more i shouldn't be this way i'll deal with it if i meditate hard enough long enough i will get through it that doesn't do it but there is i'm calling it new core presence or you could you know pure presence or in body presence or embodied awareness these are the terms that one can use that can do it and it also the cultivation of that provides the kind of security that the self longs for and can't has to get through clinging to something even if it's rubbish clings the core presence provides the stability that means the clinging is no longer necessary the core presence provides the kind of balanced happy pleasant quality yeah of being the self program doesn't have to go searching for something to feel happy about because the core presence is happy it's because it's it's not compressed it's not it's not contracted it's not distorted it's not in pain so why shouldn't it be happy it's comfortable so once we provide you know reference to something that is stable does feel agreeable a lot of clinging yeah the mechanism that begins to make itself out of these programs out of these emotional programs that clinging is redundant and it stops it fades out it passes and what are you what are you getting messed up without it for oh no the whole issue can drop away and then that the emotional energy that was our seemingly you know bubbling way inside us begins to regulate okay we come back to the kitchen feeling the body stable open presents you know it's not where i'd like it yeah that's not the way i'd like it personally you know a totally different response could be totally genuine completely personal it's completely subjective you know yeah well i could see it another way i could see you know my room for improvement here yeah well you know instead of that you can't every day i've got to clean out this in kitchens and everything after that just looks like it looks like you know could be improved here [Music] totally no person in it there's nobody in the kitchen no feud there's no oppression no wait no i've got to no nobody cares no it's all up to me none of that and we feel a little bit oh it's a bit bit of a mess there but i don't like i you know i've got to see improvement improvement here and okay that's sensitive there's emotional resonance we're getting a sense of that and we're feeling it and you know able to feel agreeable or disagreeing about that but instead of that bond that clinging there's a sense of oh well maybe yeah we could perhaps we could look at that in time right now i think i need to just take a rest got back from work take a rest hmm see what's happening in my body take a few breaths refresh myself you know deal with really what's important yeah because you're that's that you're the most important thing it actually should be but not not your identity packages with its story but your core presence is your is the gift the treasure the gift that's the that's there for you yeah and it provides you with stability balance agreeable qualities intelligence and is able to to you know help you and you should look at it you should refer to it you should return to it many times so so right now i'm not really talking about huge traumatic processes but just the average everyday you know little niggles and irritations and passions and you know compulsions so what's the model for this the practice model for this whole body awareness what's the whole body now it's not necessarily the case we can't take it for granted that we're experiencing what i call whole body awareness we may think it because whatever you're in feels like that's it this is the whole body it's this because you don't see you don't feel anything other than this right so it must be the entirety you only you only feel as much as you aware of so you feel that's my entire whole body probably not actually they say okay well how do you know it's not does it feel settled does it feel comfortable and settled does it feel this ground is grounded does it feel as ground supporting it feel the space around it does it feel there's some easy rhythmic flowing of breathing through it no it doesn't it feels like a certain gripped sense mostly if i think oh yeah it was a sort of like gripping in my chest i didn't even recognize that and there's a bit of a tremble in my my belly yeah it doesn't feel like there's ground beneath it it feels like it's holding the whole thing it's holding the whole thing well and the breathing is kind of erratic i don't sense any space around this okay that's not your whole body that's your emotional profile being how you your emotional profile as it's being mapped by your body okay so my emotional profiles it's being mapped by the body it feels like there's no ground beneath me so i've got to keep things going there's no space around me so i better hurry up yeah i got the next thing to do there's no space and the breathing is sort of erratic there's no steady comforting rhythm and that's that's that's the your emotional profile being as it's being felt directly on your in your body you may think it's your whole body because you don't feel anything other outside your emotional profile it's not unusual so you might say oh well where is there some ground then is there any ground just thought of that one oh yeah so we did some standing or some sitting oh yeah there's that sense of solid something carrying this body or isn't called carrying itself something is carrying it ah breathing changed doesn't make things seem a little more lively because some of the whole thing is this has dissolved because now the body's being held the space around it oh chest suddenly opened throw open the face relaxed then i feel less there's more time time is space time and space for the same thing and then the breathing is swelling and surging but it's beginning to regulate this state i'm in it's starting to regulate it make it sweet swinging up and down and then i see a suicide in breath it starts normalizing then we come back to whole body okay so you know wherever we are psychologically emotionally where we are in our lives in our day in our hour how does it feel okay okay i mean just even to not get involved with the thinking how does your body feel just asking yourself that not in terms of i've got an ache in my knee but no the body on an economy say an emotional level or a somatic level it feels what's one word what does it not feel it doesn't feel relaxed yeah that's it not relaxed not relaxed at all relaxed so yeah relax sometimes that i'm not really i can't relax because i've got to manage this thing i'm doing right now okay then it's called holding something together not good not bad it's that know what's happening and how are you with that it's okay would you like it to finish would you like not to be doing it well i've mixed i kind of want to do it but i it'd be nice when it's over okay um how is that oh yeah how's that feel let's don't take it too seriously it's just stuff you know can we handle our day handle our project handle our zoom session without that sense of it's up to me to make sure it works manage it no it's not up to you really if the internet fails [Laughter] if somebody doesn't push a button it's understandable to feel like that but it's just play you know this isn't work it's just play yeah it's just play oh really yeah it doesn't matter if it fails it's okay oh yeah then we approach what we're doing for more wholesome awesome attitude because when you you know it's wholesome because suddenly you light up and you relax and your body whole body feels present you think oh yeah this is okay i'm still alert i'm still attuned i still only part of the game it's an important game i don't want to commit to that and do what i can with it but no longer help with that sort of background worrying what if it goes wrong because me worrying about it is not going to make it wrong or right it will go wrong all right anyway and me worrying about it isn't going to really change anything can i be alert attentive but it's still a yeah that's possible now it's been very verbal so far but what's the art what's the simple step you shouldn't have to sacrifice your whole body in order to do what you're doing you're cooking and it's important you want to cook a good meal you want to get it right because you care beautiful okay and you want to get it right see a cookie meal now is it possible to recognize that actually not all conditions are under your control you know sometimes the cooker doesn't work or somebody interrupts or something breaks or there's a telephone call or something comes in the sudden tension is jolted you cannot get it right according to the ideal perfection that you wish for but you can play it i think it's okay you don't have to give up and the thing is to not give up your whole body you can be complete there completely and okay we're doing this and we're doing that it's going so fine so far whoops so well let's see if we can do that oops that's amazing try this how did that and the end result was what it was you know as good as it could be now but we're happy yeah you know it's like do you want the end product to be something where you're so stressed out and it's critical by the time you've done it that you don't enjoy it and you did it because you wanted to make something good but the end result is the thing is good but you're a wreck is that is that the right way i wouldn't be better to have something that you know you could fight for with it but you can fight with talk with anything it's my offering i'm happy this is for you and recognize the other human being probably think oh wonderful you know because right you know just to be with a joyful happy relaxed person itself is beautiful i don't want i don't care the rest of it's secondary really isn't it isn't it you know so we see how we we give ourselves away give our core presence away often with quite good ideas noble ideals to make it right to make you get it done on time to be the most effective to make sure things don't go wrong but we give our core presence away for something and actually perhaps it isn't that it isn't the most important thing for you or for other people perhaps the most important thing for you and for other people is to maintain your core presence and open your heart from there because that's what will happen and you'll do as good as you can do and nobody knows what that trans comes out as but it doesn't matter do you ever get those messages i can understand it because you know it's it's an incredibly performance driven society you know i'm always sometimes recognize gratitude to my parents because they always said suddenly just do as best you can that's as good as you need to be no a grades b grades c grades 10 out of 10 just do what you can the best you can that's fine you're always giving that reminder like you are the important thing not the not the product do you get that you ever get that very important to share it with each other as an act of kindness you're the important thing your welfare okay so let's take that back here so certainly within body one of the things with cultivating return to core presence is to prioritize it and so it's not just this is the way i become less crazy or neurotic or compulsive but actually not i become more happy and comfortable and a pleasure to live with so it's not just the eras it really gives you the negative it's also you know the positive that enables us to rise out of our compulsions to discard our compulsions to let our compulsions fall away and what's left is something truly beautiful and this is possible and it does encourage us because i think you know it's like um when you re when you even get an idea that this isn't just about sort of like a self-improvement program no this is about a self unraveling program enables us to return something more beautiful or more stable than my personality could ever be [Music] and we begin which is that very simple process so we're sort of sitting here standing here walking in how is it hmm nothing much okay [Music] yeah it's okay yes stay with a little bit longer hmm remember things i'm supposed to be doing and i'm wondering so what happens next this meditation do i am i doing the right thing should i get into something am i supposed to be focusing on something or or what and how long is it going for it started the process has started what's happening how you feel now a bit unsettled and agitated okay how's that yeah skin feels slightly tight pressure build some pressure coming up into my head chest is slightly caving in okay no you don't have to wait long [Laughter] it shows up it shows up the profile shows up okay so rather than when i can't this meditation i've got to make the next thing happen to make sure i get that that's the program speaking that's that's the profile is now speaking it's speaking through your head in complicated ideas and memories is what's the feeling unsettled unsteady okay so how is that in your body it's okay so what what about how can you feel how how wide are you all right well i mean what about the width of your chest how's that oh yeah i see what you mean ah the chest is opened a little bit and how tall are you how where are you where are you where's your ground right now so you if you're sitting down your legs your backside all that and how is that is that said no it's slightly slightly tensing up relaxing the tail relaxing in the legs relaxing in the belly widening softening the impulses to change things or make things happen or correct anything don't correct anything don't correct anything let the process speak don't correct anything let the process speak and feel it in the body if you feel it in your body what does the body need some air some spine you may give it a chance to give it a chance to sort of tell you or indicate what are you missing out oh i never even never thought about the spine it's pretty important because there's where you get that firmness [Music] when i get the firmness the soft part of the body the front of the body begins to open up because it's got that strong support and there's a certain emotional ripple with that so it's quite agreeable actually opening quite agreeable and then perhaps the emotional turbulence moves around breathing in breathing out and as the emotional turbulence sort of begins to steady breathing in breathing out comes to the fore becomes richer and stronger and spreads its energies through the entire system if you're happy at ease [Music] clear it feel it breathe it clear it let the breathing clear it let the body clear it let it help you so let's take some time for direct practice but i'd just like to remark or two don't concern yourself with trying to understand it why you feel this way it's could it could you could get that it could be a realization that occurs if it occurs fine but it's a sort of an extra because the things you just want to clear and return to this core presence and enjoy it yeah so don't try to understand it figure it out don't try to do it we may okay i can you know i should have done i should know how to practice practice always be a beginner really encouraging the embodied sense to come forward and hold the self back a little bit hold it back a little bit don't be too eager to get things cleared let the body because your misfits if you're too eager you'll shortcut your misfits you want to give the that embodied process the time to sense it and open out through it the results are much richer and and cleaning is much more thorough if it's done in the very system by the very system that's holding the problem that's very system as it comes out of the problem is experienced as something really rather beautiful so don't you try to do it you

Channel: London Insight Meditation

Views: 1,406

Keywords: Ajahn Sucitto, Dhamma, Talk, Teaching, Retreat, Feeling, Thinking, Minfulness, Meditation, London, Insight

Id: lXT6QlT7paE

Length: 51min 43sec (3103 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 13 2022