[MUSIC] You can't afford to not be good at this. You're dependent on your job as a leader
to get other people to take actions. You need to be skilled in relationships,
in influence and communication. There's no getting around it. So it gets labeled as soft skills but
it's really a hard business driver. And there's hard science underneath
it that we understand how it works. So it's not just soft. It's a critical piece of being
an effective communicator. People talk about executive presence or
having a presence. And most people think it's something that
you're born with or that person just has. It turns out, it's just a set of behaviors
if presence is something that you do. [MUSIC] There's a set of behaviors that I like to
encapsulate down to about five points on either side of that equation. On the authoritative
side there is slowness, in how you move and how you speak. Stillness, just being very
still like right now. I'm not moving my head very much at all. That's a choice, normally I have
a little bit more motion in me. So, stillness. Silence Is very powerful, and if you can be comfortable in silence, then
you can use that to be more authoritative. Symmetry has to do with
do I slant a little, or does my head go off to the side. I would say this is a little less
authoritative, than what this is. And then space. What space do you own? And can I reach out and
touch someone's shoulder or shake their hand and make that
first move to invade their space. Those are all on the authoritative side. [MUSIC] So on the other side with approachable,
there are five Fs. And that is filling space. If you can't let a silence happen,
that's more approachable. If you speak or move fast, you're usually trying to get all your
words in before you get interrupted. That's not a place of power. You know that you don't
have the control to talk so you try to get everything
in all in one space. The next one is folded. And that's where you're folding your body,
like crossing your arms, crossing your legs is all a way of sort
of protecting yourself and closing in. It's a little more approachable. And even just that, sort of,
twisting on one foot, or crossing one leg over the other,
is a little closer together. And it's related to fidgeting, so if you
do that and the motion keeps happening, that also gets very close
to what flirting is. And there's a lot of little gestures and
motions that we do that are flirting, including making and
breaking eye contact is more flirtatious. And the last one is about giving space. You allow people into your space. You invite people to take your space. So those are all of the characteristics
of being on the approachable side. [MUSIC] The first thing is awareness and you
have that if you're asking the question. And the second thing is to just look
at yourself, just start to observe. How do I act in different situations and
how do other people act? Often I talk to students and they want
some coaching because they're ready for a promotion. They want to move up into that partner
position or into the next level. And I always tell them to observe and report on how do those people act behave,
verbally, non verbally. Because you need to act
in that same way and what got you to where you are isn't
what will get you to the next stage, but you have a perfect
opportunity to just observe. So that's the first place and
the second place is to try and make some change,
any change and practice it. [MUSIC] Improvisational acting or
any acting class from community theater to a professional school hones and
works on these tools. They're also really fun to do,
it's a fun place to play and many people are afraid of going to do it. And those classes are some of
the safest places in the world. Because to do that work you have to create
a really safe space for people to take some risks and try to show up in
different ways than they normally are. So their people are very skilled and the
groups that are there are very supportive. So in most cases people
come in a little afraid and leave just elated because it's so
much fun. [MUSIC] It starts with the fact that
acting is not pretending. Most people think it is. And if you see actors that
are not great in film and TV, they are the ones that are pretending. Acting is about finding a truthful place. So when you see a really good actor, you're seeing how would that person
actually show up in that setting. So if it's a dangerous setting and
scary things are happening, you're seeing that person react in
the way they show up as a scared person. And when we see that, it's really
believable, because it's authentic. Authentic means in tune with the emotional
state that you're actually in, and not something separate. So an example of that would be
if I try to put on mad for you. I think this doesn't really look mad. It looks kind of cartoonish. It's like when you ask a small
child to show me your mad face. It's not really mad. It's a mask that they're putting on. When you're really authentically mad, you show up in a way that it's clear
that you're communicating that emotion. That's what authentic is. Everyone can be authentically
authoritative or authentically approachable,
anywhere along this range. They will do it slightly differently. My authentic authority, my authentic
powerful is different than yours, which is different than everyone
else that is out there. But it's truthful, and if it's truthful,
then we believe it and it's really part of you. So acting is not about putting on
the mask or the costume or the character, it's about finding the truthful place and
bringing that out. [MUSIC] Before you walk into the room, you could
put on these gestures and these poses. You can do it by yourself,
you can go to the restroom and do it. You can do it in the elevator on
the way up or around the corner. Expanding your body, saying your speech or
a few lines to yourself using the slow and low tones if
that's how you want to show up. And by doing that preparation,
it changes you inside and it will carry over into the meeting and
that sets you up for success. You can start that before
you leave the house. So I have a couple of playlists that
are ultimate, epic movie soundtracks that are the important themes from superhero
movies, and I start listening to that. And I know what's going on. I know I am tricking myself and
it still works every time. And I laugh at myself noticing
that it's working and then I really feel the emotions. And so today I had a lecture before I came in on
the car, I was listening to that music. And behind the scenes backstage
before I stepped onto the stage, I had the music on and I raised my arms. I'm in the back in the green room,
nobody's around and even if they are, I don't care. But using all those techniques
to get my body ready, to think about how good it's going to go. And then, I walk on stage very confident,
full of the way I want to show up. [MUSIC] Once you know, if you are aware enough
to notice it's going on in you, you are aware enough
to then make a change. And if it's going poorly, almost any
change you make will make it better. If you notice that you're babbling
a little and you're going on too much or talking too fast,
as soon as you do, stop and take a pause, take a breath,
get a drink of water. Even say, just a second, I want to check
my notes on this before I continue. And make them wait, and it gives you a
chance to breath and to stop and to reset. So you can do that at any point, from boardrooms to audiences in theaters,
they all are the same. There's a piece of them
that will allow for you to be a human being and
to show up in that way. And even in a aggressive
negotiation meeting with someone, they'll allow for you to do show up and
stop and pause and recover. It will not stop the meeting. It feels that way sometimes, but
I think you can always stop and reset. [MUSIC] If I just start smiling a little more,
you're going to start smiling, and we're going to start
mirroring back and forth. And if I stop doing it,
it will pull you a little that way. You can watch in any room
the wave of crossed legs and uncrossed legs happen as we
all get in sync in resonance. So we are always reacting to
each other and the reality is we're all improvising our days,
that's why it's also a really useful tool. Because nobody gets up and gets a script, well actors do, but
nobody gets a script for their day. We are all making it up all
the time we are all reacting to everything that's going on. I think what we're talking about in the
work that I do is being more aware of it, being more comfortable
to make more choices. Reading the room, and
making choices about how we want to react. When it's important, when it's meaningful and when we
want to do it in service of others. [MUSIC]
