"Aaron Wilburn: Red-Neck Boy in the Hood" | VHS (1999)

[Music] it's my honor and privilege to bring to you tonight a friend of mine that's been traveling and riding and singing for over 20 years in the Christian music industry tonight we're here to laugh with him this man is known nationwide but he's one of our own even in the medical field and the psychologists and psychiatrists will tell you that laughter is a healing medicine so be prepared to laugh as we introduce to you your friend and our brother Aaron will burn the redneck in the hood [Applause] it is great to be here I love to take polls because I was raised Baptist and we love to vote any other Baptist here there's a few of us you I love what Baptist we tweet I'm here undercover brother don't mess with me not only am i a Baptist I'm from the south and I love the south I call it the land of y'all the place where deserts not food would you like some more potatoes oh no I'm full thank you how about some more chicken oh I've ate all I can eat how about some banana pudding I think a wheel weight that heavy southern greasy food and then we go out on the front porch and we sit down in a rocker if we can find one and you just sit there you don't rock you don't talk you just barely breathe it's kind of like some churches on Sunday morning and then after a while somebody starts Rocking pursuing everybody's rocking and then somebody says lordy somebody else's oh lordy Lordy then somebody else's lordy Lordy lordy Lordy lordy Lordy pretty soon it's just one big oh lordy contest I don't see people up north don't know how to have lordy contest we don't need more stress tabs we need lordy contest and see the people up north I go up north a lot and I love the people up north and they're very kind to me but sometimes you meet people up north and when they hear you talk and you're from the South they try to copy you if you're ain't from the South you can't talk southern they can send you to school and put you in the movies and you still can't talk southern if you're not from the south and then they look at you like oh something's wrong with you you're from the south but let me tell you I know that somewhere along the way everybody up north is not as brilliant as they would have you think they are because I look at a map of Indiana at the top of the state South Bend at the bottom of the state North Vernon we may not know how to talk but we know north and south don't win I like the South cause it's the place where you can say what you want to about people as long as you say bless his heart now I've heard somebody say that it means you're stupid well it could mean that but it doesn't necessarily mean that bless your heart are the three most wonderful words in the English language to a southerner because we can state compassion oh he broke his leg blaze his heart we can show compassion with it or we can show other feelings with it that's the laziest woman I've ever seen in my life place are hard or we can say other things like using him I said ugliest man I've ever seen my wife places hard you know Jeff Foxworthy talks about you might be a redneck yes and in fact I've got a few I'd like to tell you that I've come up with on my own because I think you might be a redneck if you've ever used a pair of wire pliers real downwind of your car and then reached out the wind and open the door or you might be a redneck if you've ever had an argument over who gets that piece of fat in a can of pork and beans yeah you're a redneck if you want to clean out your ears but you can't find your truck keys [Applause] and then you're really a redneck if somebody asks what's your favorite kind of pie and you say move see there are some things in the south that they don't have anywhere they don't have up north moon pies is one of them tell you another thing to have we have here that they don't have up north we have belly bombers we call them crystals best deal in the world you eat it tonight you'll taste it for three days you are a redneck woman if you hang around christos hoping to meet the man of your dreams [Applause] and you are a redneck man if you met the woman of your dreams at crystals so I took it one step further from Jeff Foxworthy's you might be a redneck cause I think you might be a Baptist death if you've ever made change out the offering plate [Applause] yeah or you might be a Baptist if everybody knows where you're gonna sit before you even get to church oh and then you're really a Baptist really a Baptist if you're sitting in a Pentecostal church and somebody raises their hand and you wave back at them [Applause] my Baptist pastor used to confuse me close to the close of the service he'd say something like bow your heads close your eyes if you have a need in your life come to the altar the miracle is not funding the Lord the miracle is getting to the altar with your eyes closed then I visited Pentecostal charismatic churches my life's changed because I realized things do not we all love the same God but we do things different in the Baptist Church you can sneak to the altar and pray real quick before anybody else opens their eyes so they will wonder what you did that week then I visited Pentecostal churches you go to Pentecostal church pray and you think I feel good I'm going back to my seat no you're not your surroundings you got about four people around you one in front saying hang on one behind us and turn lose one over here saying empty milord others saying billion Jesus and if you're a bad me settle freaked you out thing you find out some folks can't pray if they don't spray and people that spit the most will pray with you the longest they'll spit all over you and then ask are you washed [Applause] baptist pastor friend of mine said Aaron I dreamed that I died went to heaven and I was standing there talking to st. Peter one of my old buddies walked by with a ugliest woman I've ever seen in my life and I think Peter what's he do with her and st. Peter said there was sin in his life that's his punishment he's got to spend eternity with that ugly woman bless his heart John said a few minutes later I looked up and another one of my old friends walked by with a woman twice as ugly it's the first one st. Peter's shake his head and said there was a lot of sin in his life and John said Aaron about that time I looked up and you walked by with the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my life and it just took my breath away and I turned to st. Peter and I said Wow Aaron Wilbur must have lived a good life and st. Peter said he's her punishment [Applause] I'd like to sing a little song that I didn't write but I rewrote it John Anderson wrote this song one day listening to it I wondered what would John have written had he been writing a Christian song when he wrote swinging silver those of you who have lost sleep wondering the same thing I would like to sing to you what I think John would have written had he been writing from my perspective there's a little girl in our neighborhood her name is Charlotte Johnson and she's really looking good our daddy is a preacher and a costs due to the bone I went down to the church to see what was going on they were swinging from the rafters [Music] little Charlotte she's as pretty as an angel when she smiles but you ought to see her jumping pews and running down the house [Music] now you know I'm a Baptist and it scared me half to death they were singing and shouting they called it gettin blessed so I thought I'll stay longer just to see what I could see before I knew what happened it was happening to me I was swinging swinging the spirit started moving I can't tell you how all I know is they're calling me about two costal now [Music] [Applause] thank you how many of you were messed up when you found the Lord I know some why for punching husbands right now you smash stuff you should have raised your hand [Music] here's a little song I wrote my size whatever you write it's a little song they passed the bottle you can't help but think what's it gonna hurt to take one little drink but tomorrow you'll wake up feeling half dead with the toilet lid bouncing off the back of your head now I know some of you are thinking well that's not gospel I've talked to people who would disagree with you you'd better say I don't want the devil hanging around I don't want the devil bringing me down don't want the devil tempted me to do wrong I just want the devil to leave me alone here's the first other single guys [Music] she walks by I forgot what she does when she walks back do you remember my song honey huh what's the next line but I want you to know I'm over 40 and over 40 is that time in a man's life when he's standing on stairs wandering without going up or coming down are your hands on the doorknob wondering was I going in or coming out that's not a problem unless it's the bathroom doorknob you're holding my memory just returned she smiles you know what that look in furs and you think the Lord worked overtime on her before you get acquainted my friend better read that verse on temptation again well I thought if I'm gonna write a verse for the guys I should write one for the ladies when I first started writing in so when I first wrote this I wrote about Robert Redford and Tom Selleck and I knew I had lived longer than I thought I had lived when I saw children looking that their moms and dads asking who stopped selling so one night right off the top of my head I rewrote it and I'd like to do the new version right now he walks by gives you a nod Carman face and Aaron will burn body [Music] but by that look on his face you know what's going on young lady you had better just leave him a long and say I don't want the demo the devil don't want the devil tempted me to do wrong I just want the devil to leave me alone now you may be wondering Odyssey right about Carmen faces and toilet lids because sometimes I catch unsuspecting people wondering what's he gonna say next and then I tell them [Music] Jesus is our Lord and King he is master over ever thee if I'll use the power he's given to me demons will hide and the devil will flee and I just don't want the [Music] [Applause] [Music] don't the devil tempted [Music] I just want the devil to leave me alone [Music] [Applause] well from time to time I find a song that just really speaks to me how many of you like Chinese food yes me too how many of have have heard a song cats in the trailer [Music] this is not in [Music] did you ever think when you eat Chinese it's not pork or chicken but a fat Sammy but the food tastes great so you don't complain but that's not chicken in your chicken chow mein [Music] seems to me I ordered sweet-and-sour pork but Garfield's on my for and there's a cab in the cattle at the peak king room the place I eat every day at noon and feed your cat you'll never know once they wrap it up and dough they fried real crisp in dough [Music] now how many likes Chinese food he asked me if I wanted more as he dialed up his buddy at the old pistol I said not today I've lost my appetite there's two cats in the belly and they're having the fight well I was sucking on the Rolaids and the tongues or two when I thought I've heard it Moo there's a cat in the channel at the Peking room the police ivy and every day at noon they can feed your cat and you'll never know once they wrap it up in dough yeah they fry real Kris [Music] [Applause] [Music] now I know some of you must be thinking this guy is weird and something's wrong with him what happened to him I'm going to tell you a couple of things that happened to me call children you want to be stupid you become a parent you become a parent and you go to bed your brains leak out on your pillow next thing you know you walk into a room announcing who you are hey hey this is your father speaking to you and then you'll turn right around and ask who do you think I am [Applause] and my mama used to say things like I'm gonna slap your face off and I wondered how well my friends know me she do women while I'm crying she'd say stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about and she told my little brother don't be ugly I said mama he can't help it Mama's in the South say things that moms in the know where else say things like I'm gonna slap used too far down in your shoes you'll have to pull your socks down to look out oh you want to put fear in somebody you tell a child this one I'm gonna slap a knot on your head and slap it off for it has time to rise the one that I remember the best my mom would be disciplining me my mom did not abuse us but my mom disciplined us in fact not long ago I was thinking about that as I was watching a news story on television they were talking about violence in America and all the things that are going on and then I realized what I think we need what I think we need in America are some moms like my momma and we need to put them in some cars and let them do some drive-by weapons [Applause] but my mom would be disciplining me and and she would look at me with with a pitiful look on her face and she would say this hurts me more than it hurts you and I felt so sorry for her I cried and you know I thought about it through the years and now I can't help but wonder what she would have said if I would have said mama please stop for just a minute I've been bad I deserve to hurt I deserve to hurt more than you give me the belt off with Yoona see now I know some of you think I'm strange probably and that I'm different but there are people that I think are not really put together well and and some of them evidently are in high places of marketing I toured this out of a delta SkyMall magazine not long ago it is a picture of a dog standing in front of a food tray but it's not just any food tray it is a correct posture dog feeder somebody had too much time on his hands but I wanted you to know that if you own a dog and you're feeding the dog in the next few days and you look down at the dog and he's looking up at you like my back is killing me well here's another one an interesting it's called the wet-dry personal groomer you may be asking what is a wet-dry personal groomer if you are not a man or you are not yet over 40 and male you will probably not care but if you are over 40 and you are a man you will want to know about the wet-dry personal groomer because it is a nose hair clipper and the time comes in a man's life when his hair stops growing on top of his head and starts growing out his ears and nose now if you you're in the latter stages of this you may want to know about the new one that just came out it's called the turbo groomer and it's one step away from a weed eater my wife and I were traveling to North Carolina checked in a motel about 3 o'clock in the morning and as we checked in the room I was looking around to make sure there's no one hiding behind any cars that it's safe want my family to be safe and I looked around and I just decided that it was safe and so we went into the room my wife asked me to lock the door and I locked the door behind us and then I walked into the restroom and I yelled and I said honey they've got security here and then she asked what are you talking about I said they've got security here we don't have to worry about security I said I found it right here it's wrapped around a commode it says for your protection [Applause] if anybody breaks in I'll hold him and you beat him to death with this piece of paper you are in a redneck Church if the pastor says I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and five men stand up and you're in a redneck Church if the restroom is outside you're in a redneck Church if a member of the church requests to be buried in his four-wheel-drive truck cause I ain't never been in the hole he couldn't get me out of I would like to sing him another song in just a moment but before I do I'd like to talk about children for just another moment our little girl is five the other day someone says fact it was Terry actually said Erin before you know it you'll look out and she'll be standing out in the drive with some boy holding his hand i rebuked that when the young man rings our doorbell and asked is Emily Brooke here I have some words for him I have a scripture I like to quote to him I've rearranged it I'm gonna tell him no man just to the daughter except first of all he comes through the Father then I'm gonna tell him that's my daughter and I love her enough to die for her do you have any men here like to go shopping you just can't wait to go shopping with your wife Roberta and I was shopping not long ago she was in the ladies department I was walking around in the men's department dreaming Oh people ask me all time where do you get you clothes in the boys Department oh I've had people ask what's it like going into the boys department and getting your clothes in the boys department and I tell him it's not so bad once you take the Winnie the Pooh emblems off well Roberta calls me over into the ladies section she's in the cosmetics so I walk over and she's holding two little cosmetic kids she said honey I need a makeup kit which one do you like well I couldn't wait for that one tell you what I just looked at that Paisley one and the pink one and I just I was torn actually what I said I said honey I don't like either one of them and she said oh don't do that she said help me decide I said I don't like makeup kids she said but which one would you like if you like one I said let me tell you I don't like Paisley makeup kids and I don't like pink makeup kids and if I did I would not be married to you a lot of young guys here that are single I've got a little information I'd like to give you if you don't mind great difference in men and women and the way they think when a man looks in the closet and says I don't have anything to wear that means I don't have anything to wear when a woman looks in the closet and says I don't have anything to wear that means I don't have anything new to wear and then when they're trying to decide can I wear this one more time before having it cleaned they arrive at that decision in two different ways a woman will pick it up and look at it she hold it up to the light to see if there's any stains wrinkles dirt makeup if it passes inspection she'll wear it again men don't need eyesight if a man wants to know can I wear this shirt one more time before having it clean we don't need to pick it up and look at it all we need to do is pick it up and smell of it and if we don't gag we'll wear it again and then something else you need to know if you're walking through a mall or anywhere with your wife and a gorgeous woman walks by you not that you noticed but this gorgeous woman walks by you and your wife says isn't she so pretty no your first answer is whoo and your second answer is bless her heart and and you don't ever answer this question honey are these pants too tight am i gaining weight you ignore that one because if you say no she'll ask why don't you just be honest if you say yes there will be a healing service for you I live forget I was driving along the interstate car drove around me with one of those Garfield cats in the window most of you have seen those Garfield cats as this car drove around me I had this Garfield's tucked right up in the window and I looked at it and I thought he reminds me of something then I realized what that Garfield cat looks like he looks like a Baptist sitting in a car full of people and he just found out he's on his way to a Pentecostal church I love the story of the man that walked into the pet store with his wife and they were looking around won't buy the parrot cage and the parrot said hey and they stopped the man asked what the parrot said you're ugly and she's ugly too the man went to the pet store owners told him what had happened and he said if you don't do something about this parent I'm never coming in here again the men said I'll take care of it he went to the cage and he grabbed that parrot out by the neck took him into a back room and they heard the wings flapping and the parrots squawking and a few minutes later the man came out he still had the parrot around the neck and he threw that parrot into the cage and said don't ever do that again or I will kill you the next time the parrot was sitting there on the cage and his feathers were falling out and he was a mess and he just stood there sat there on his perch the man and his wife looked around for a few minutes started out the door and as they started out the door the parrot said hey the man turned around and asked what the parent looked at him and said you know mike schneider wrote the song places are [Music] since all her friends have got one now my wife wants one too I'm a leaf fuzzy fur coat nothing else to do said she'd look real classy make me proud of her I just break down by her fur [Music] well it got me to thinking how I'm gonna swing that sort of deal the Lord knows I can't afford it and it's wrong to steal but the problem finally solved itself like a bolt out of the blue jumped right out in front of me on highway 22 [Music] well that big old German Shepherd my car he did not see now he's in dog heaven but his heart belongs to me [Music] for three weeks in the basement I worked late almost every night it was mostly trial and error but I finally got it right I put it in a cardboard box carried it upstairs to her all she was tickled pink to see that burn now she's got a fancy fur coat reaches all the way to her knees but she's been complaining lately said her closets full of fleas she don't know old Fido is wrapped around her tight she's putting on the dogs when she goes out at night well she's been depressed here lately since I backed out over the cat but I think she'll feel much better when I give her this new [Music] [Applause] thank you thank you I know it's a strange time and I hadn't even planned this tonight but I want to do something just unplanned a few years ago this idea was given to me by the late Conway Twitty [Music] and I wrote it with Joe Huffman and I'll never forget the day that Lulu Roman recorded the song after the recording session she and I went to my office and we wrote songs that afternoon after a while she said there and let's go eat let's I'm hungry so we went to a restaurant nearby walked in and I noticed people staring at us as we walked in and I thought well it's because they recognized Lulu from hee haw never really occurred to me that Lulu and I are not your everyday couple here's the song she recorded sing a verse and chorus Evie a borrowed from the sunshine as a child out of play a marvel that creation as the moonlight kissed the face I've enjoyed the good Lords blessings as he poured his love on me I want to put something back in this world for a leave I wanna put something back in this world before I go pass along a smile for the laughter I have I love this life I'm living I need to show it by my giving I wanna put something back or I go I wanna put something back for a go [Music] [Applause] I just want to tell a couple more stories how many of you when you're growing up had a cousin or two that waited until you were there to try experiments in their lives how many of you were those cousins see I have two cousins that I love dearly Jimmy and Randy I remember one time they put me on a bicycle without a chain a bicycle without a chain is a bicycle without brakes and I still have the place right up here where the doctor showed my head up to show that it's not a real smart thing to do then one time they wanted to know can you fly if you tie something around your neck and jump out of a barn loft the answer is no but the one I remember the best we were in the barn playing rodeo and my uncle had a half-grown bull tied in that stall the stall was so small that the bull could barely turn around in the stall they took turns riding on that bull's back being the stars of the rodeo and they wanted me to be a rodeo guy and I didn't want to be a rodeo guy but they came up with a brilliant idea they said if you'll get on him will tie you on him and you can't fall off I am NOT brilliant today but I've come a long way I got on the ball and they took twine from bales of hay tied my hands around the Bulls neck and I legs up under the bull and they said since you can't fall off we're gonna open the gate and they did the bull and I instantly bonded it was a spiritual thing we were of one mind and one Accord he didn't want me on his back I didn't want to be on his back but I didn't fall off I wanted to fall off my dad my uncle and another man chased that ball down called him untied me and got me off that ball my wife and I had to well with the kids on vacation a few months back all these rides in this park all this wonderful stuff going on and my wife says honey why don't you want a ride I said let me tell you a story I told her this story I said honey you and people like you will stand in line for 45 minutes to ride a ride hoping you're going to get the ultimate ride it's not at Six Flags it's not a Disney it was not at Opryland the ultimate ride is on the back of a half-grown bull and a pastor in Alabama and I've already had it and I don't want another one [Applause] and I'd like to close tonight with my tribute to what can happen do anyone I'd like to sing a new song [Music] early spring in our town not much to do driving around solve some people near the hardware store never solo crowd like back before standing around holding paper place and there stood Buffett with the smile on his face my inquisitive nature got the best of me asked what's going on they said you'll never believe brothers open up a sushi bar he says it out of the trunk of his car somebody called an entrepreneur I think it's something like a bad but I'm not sure a sushi bar he's even selling bluegill can't be on with a mason jar but was up enough a sushi [Music] expanded clear out to Holly folks around here say he's arrived he's got a spot on Rodeo Drive double steal Bubba to all of his friends but now he sails from the trunk of his mercedes-benz the rich folks love it but I just can't save it cause it tastes just like raw fish to me brothers opened up a sushi bar he sells it out of the trunk of his car [Music] oh I like it something like but I'm not sure that sushi bar he's even selling blue do caviar to go with a mason jar but there's open nothing sushi [Applause] all across the state it's cause brother selling on the face but was open that they sushi bar [Music] [Applause] out of the trunk of his car [Music] I think it's something like a badness but I'm not sure they say she he's even selling bluegill Kathy ready to go in a mason jar brothers up enough a spin shoot ready to go brothers are pleaaase sushi [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] now

Channel: Mondo A-Go-Go Video

Views: 31,356

Rating: 4.9322033 out of 5

Keywords: jeff foxworthy, larry the cable guy, comedy, stand up, stand-up, baptist, weird, obscure, vhs, strange

Id: opnTXBXUcGA

Length: 49min 44sec (2984 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 17 2019