a talk (cw: the death of my dad)

okay so I'm gonna have to sort of go straight through this Oh cuz I'm I I know no I am NOT gonna want to edit this video or watch it back and basically though I just feel like I don't feel like I can film for this channel until I kind of explained what's been going on this year and what's happened recently because it's had a massive impact on my life and I I feel more comfortable if it's just like oh they are because I don't know how it's gonna affect how I am at the woman on camera if I want to film all of these kind of things I'm like yeah I think some of you already know but basically a few weeks ago my dad passed away from cancer and I've known it had cancer since me um so like most of this year has pretty much been I'm dealing with that spending time with my dad I'm and as I'm sure most of you also know I was really close with my dad he was a big part of my life and I talked about him on this channel quite regularly I have had comments in the past few months from people just saying how nice my relationship is with my dad I always get these ugly comments from people saying like you're so lucky that your dad reads and and you share these things with your dad and I'm I think I would find it quite difficult to keep talking about books on the internet without kind of sharing with you that this has happened I mean I don't want to just randomly bring it up in another video or just start not talk about him anymore or talk about it in the past tense and everybody just be a bit confused so I just wanted to do a little bit of an update and I also think knowing what's been going on will clarify some stuff for people that have been asking and like I mentioned we found out we found though at the very end of it pro that he had cancer cells in his esophagus and initially we didn't know how bad it was and within a few weeks we found that it was very advanced and not not treatable so since then it's just been about you know making him what time he had left I as pain free as possible and spending time with him and actually I think you know we they talked about it in the beginning we never had more time than we necessarily expected to help with him and he was 59 and he died a couple of days before his 60th birthday and and I cancer isn't it like it takes people it ridiculously unfair ages like 59 feels like and my dad both of my parents I'm very close to and I've had a massive impact on my life but I think a lot of the things talked about this channel I'm very much stem from the things I enjoy with my dad he was a massive reader he got me in both my again I feel like it would have like a bridge had to my mom for my friends are really encouraging with the reading but my dad was a really a bad reader he spent so much time with me in the library and as I got older recommended so many books from his bookshelves with me talked about books with me he also went to university as a mature student and studied history when I was a little girl and we talked about history and he took me to museums and he introduced me to the ancient history really it wasn't something I ever did at school even though that wasn't like his speciality he just he really introduced me to and shared a lot of the things with me that can I have defined who I've become as an adult and a lot of the things I talk about on this channel so it feels strange to yeah I I don't know I just felt like I needed to share with you that and that because of that I've spent almost all of the past six months or so in Edinburgh and which will explain to you for those of you who have wondered why my videos have been in Edinburgh and why I have also not been a big break for a few months because I have been on compassionately for about three months and I did work at first but after a while and my dad was in and out of hospices Imogen I just I couldn't look I ain't on that because I haven't my mum did really need me there we've not got massive family I'm and yeah so I was with them which explains that sorry I really didn't want to have to add to this video so I'm trying to remember if there was anything else I wanted to say yeah I don't know I just I've also idea I actually like the way you guys have talked about my dad the past just from learning about him from my videos has always meant a lot to me and that's really nice and actually I'm one of the things I have mostly managed to do during this time apart from the past few weeks is continued to film videos for this channel it has been such a source of comfort despite the fact that none of you knew what was going on and just being able to do YouTube make these videos I enjoy making chat to you guys about something completely unrelated to what was going on in my life and I booked something I loved was so so comforting and so helpful to me and and although I like I said you guys didn't really know you were giving me that I'm really grateful because I really appreciate it I am having been able to film for a few weeks I'm well since passed away really I think I'm I have had a video go up but I'd filmed that weeks ago and it was pre scheduled to go up but this is the first time I'm filming since my dad passed away and I think I'm gonna sneeze yeah I I am gonna sneeze back in London though as you might be able to tell and oh and yeah I'm still very I'm staging where I'm finding very hard to just wrap my head around what's happened and it doesn't really feel real and I'm sure it's gonna I'm just from talking to people I've been for similar things I just think it will come and go um and you're gonna hit you different moments it has hit me in different moments with certain things and but yeah and actually I I shouldn't socially bad that I forgot intervention this but during the same time period when I was in it in from my granny passed away who was my dad's mum which was incredibly silent and III again she was a Greek granny and I was pretty close to her and I really loved her a lot and I guess it's slightly different because I know she had cancer for over a year and she was 93 um and it's not to say that was ever Utley and it's not waste time I mean somebody dies order but I think it's different it did feel different and I think it was really hot it was really horrible mostly horrible times take my dad to her funeral in it with it I don't know so it's just been a really like life altering year um and yeah like I said I think it's gonna have a big him back to me in my life and um not that I'm gonna don't making videos that's not what this video is about I love making YouTube videos and like I said I find a big source of comfort but it's hard to just like come on camera and be like super happy all the time when your life's has so much happen in it and then you're kind of precise and and dealing with all of that and I just wanted to sort of I wanted you guys to know that it might impact that I'm for a while or I don't know huh I'm but yeah so it's been a pretty shitty year and I think that might be the first time I've ever sworn on this channel seems exactly and yeah I I shouldn't yeah this videos like eight minutes long and I really do want you guys have to sit through this for a really long time but yeah I really appreciate that I've been able to make videos and this time it has been a massive source of comfort so thank you for that um and um yeah I'm sure all of you understand I'm what I've been going for and I just I wanted to talk about it because like I said I really really really loved my dad and then I want to keep talking about him on this channel and talking about books he recommended to me and I'm sharing that with you guys and he yeah I just think he deserves to so he deserved to sort of meet it to not just not talk about it if that makes sense this felt right for me if that makes sense hello yeah so thank you for sticking around with me um I don't know when I'll next have a video up I probably will feel up to filming in the next week or so I have those videos I'd like to film but I'm again it will just depend on how I feel um and I appreciate you bearing with me during all this yeah

Channel: Jean Bookishthoughts

Views: 13,258

Rating: 4.9903846 out of 5

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Id: HHWtTXsPgpY

Length: 10min 0sec (600 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 20 2017