- [Narrator] We all
know that good parenting involves unconditional love and support. It was even found that affection can affect brain development. So it's not just touchy-feely stuff. Unfortunately, not all parents provide this kind of nurturing. Instead, they exhibit behaviors
that are downright toxic and sabotage the possibility of a healthy, fulfilling relationship
with their children. Wondering what those things are? Here, let's take a look. Number one, they project
their negativity onto you. This is when the parent
places things they dislike or can't face about themselves
onto their children, so instead of the parent saying, "I'm disappointed in myself," they persistently tell their
child that life is unfair, that the child is unlucky, or maybe even tell the
child they're unworthy so they should expect to fail. This is incredibly damaging as the child who is still developing takes the parent's words as absolute truth and they'll start to embody
those negative projections. Number two, they show
little to no empathy. Consider if, when going to your parent for help for a problem or in grief, you hear something like, "Why is everything always about you?" or, "No one ever cares about the parent. "It's only your needs that
are important, right?" The parent might even be
dismissive of your concern and change the subject to
something they deem important, meaning something to fulfill
their own needs, not yours. They don't think, consider, or really care about how
you or other people feel. It's all about them, and
the concept of other people having equally valid
feelings is incomprehensible. This is terrible, as this
sends a clear message that they simply don't care
for the child as an individual. Number three, they're overly critical. Yes, we make mistakes and, yes, part of parenting
is to make the child aware that something is a
mistake in the first place so they can learn. There is a limit though,
before it turns into abuse. Overly critical is when the child has tried repeatedly to
correct things or improve, yet they're still offensively wrong. An example could be, "You only got 80%. "You were lazy and didn't study," which leads to, "You only got 90%? "Do I have an idiot for a child?" And even at 100, "What, the teacher
finally took pity on you?" Or, "So you got 100%, but
you neglected your chores. "If you can't do both,
you're just useless." So the child grows up believing
they're never good enough, maybe they're defective or maybe they deserve to be treated badly. Number four, despite
knowing your boundaries, they ignore them. Ever been just relaxing
quietly in your room and your parent just
barges in with no warning, or maybe our of the blue
they force advice on you about something you never
even hinted to them you needed or wanted help with? And if you dare to say something about it, you likely get the, "I'm the parent, so I have the right to." No, this is ridiculous. Unless the child is so young that they can't do basic
functions for themselves yet, any healthy relationship must
include personal boundaries that are respected by all parties. A one-off could be that they didn't know or there was some sort of emergency. A repeated offense, especially if some excuse of, "Because I'm the parent," is given, means they don't respect you as a person and that is not healthy. Number five, they insult you to hurt you. This is different from a joke burn war where it's been firmly established by all that it's a fake insult for humor. This is the kind where
you're humiliated or shamed, often for no reason, or perhaps as a response to an
accomplishment you've shared. They might even do this in front of others just to dig even deeper. This is not tough love to keep you humble. This is flat out abuse that
makes the child feel alienated, anxious or depressed. The child's whole future outlook could be shackled with low self-esteem. Number six, you are always the
reason for anything negative, even if you're actually not. Ever been blamed for being born? You know, comments like,
"You ruined my life. "I couldn't reach my goals
because I had to raise you," or maybe somehow everything that is inconvenient in
your life is your fault? Like you're some sort of
supernatural harbinger of doom, affecting events and places
you've never even seen. Commonsense goes out the window and they take everything
they're dissatisfied with and somehow make it your doing. Which, by the way, is 99.99% impossible. If you can relate to this, you
have dysfunctional parents. Really, it's them, not you. And number seven, they
are all take and no give. We don't mean things like money or gifts, although that could be part of it. This is like those
situations where a parent, instead of going to a qualified counselor or even an adult friend decides to emotionally dump
on their 12 year old instead. All the child knows is
that the parent is upset, so they try to comfort
them as best they can. A child is defined as a child here because their brains haven't
developed to maturity yet. They should not and cannot handle that kind of responsibility
in a healthy way. It's supposed to be the
parent supporting, guiding, and comforting the child. Making the child be the
parent is a real phenomenon called, unsurprisingly, parentification and it also means that when
the child is in need of comfort the parent doesn't reciprocate. Healing yourself from toxic
parenting is in your power. You, and only you, have control of your own
feelings and attitudes. Your parents are, likewise,
the only ones who can control and change their own
feelings and attitudes. It's time to free
yourself from that burden if you believe it's your fault they aren't being better
people, because it isn't. You are never obligated to be abused, nor are you obligated to
take on your parents' issues that they've ignored in themselves. Look our for yourself and be
someone you like and respect. We know you can do it. Did you recognize any of these signs? Has this video changed
the way you see things that have happened in the past? People feel free to discuss
below and we'll see you soon.
