to say to someone with Asperger's or
what not to say to parents with a child on the spectrum but all of these focus
on what not to say to adults. So, it got me thinking about what not to say to
kids with Asperger's. Growing up, I received a lot of feedback about my
behavior but it wasn't the kind of feedback that helped me make better
decisions. It can be easy to see our children as being the problem - the ones
who need to learn a lesson or be more respectful, more caring, or more well-behaved. But, how often do we turn that pointy finger around and point it
towards our own hearts? How often do we look inside and say what do I sound like?
What do I look like? How do I come across to my kid? A pattern of harsh handling or
impatience can really erode your relationship and your influence, as well
as the way your child sees him or herself. So, not only will your children
believe what you say about them but they will act on it. I know kids on the spectrum can
frustrate your many neuro-typical expectations. I know because I was one of
those kids, but there was no Asperger's back then, so my parents were just left
feeling confused. And, so was I. Why didn't they understand me? Why did they say I
had no emotion? Why did they say I was rude when I was just trying to be clear or
accurate or helpful. I notice what remains unseen to you and whether you
see an exaggerated response from your kids or understand the reality of an
oversensitive system, please know that kids on the spectrum don't intentionally
try to ignore expectations or aggravate their elders even when you think you
have said it enough, made it clear enough, or been gentle enough. Sometimes, kids on
the spectrum will just perceive more than you intended. We think and
communicate about things differently and all that ABA in the world will not fix
what's not broken. The unique perspective of someone with Asperger's is an
integral part of their operating system and one that I believe needs to be
respected and understood. If you want to better understand and communicate with
your child, here are my top five phrases to never say to a child with Asperger's,
or let's face it, any child really! And also, some alternatives for what to say
instead. Okay #1. My first phrase to lose is - "You are too sensitive." or
"You're overreacting." You don't even need to replace this one. Just stop saying it. This is probably the #1 phrase that will send an Aspie into a blinding
rage or a shamed sense of disconnection. Let's just assume that the emotional and
physical nature of Asperger's includes a hyper-awareness of the world what seem like ordinary sights, sounds, smells, and even movements to you - can be incredibly difficult to manage for a child with Asperger's. I heard over and over, as a
child, "You're too sensitive." And, I'm not too sensitive. I am highly intuitive and
exquisitely adept at perceiving stimuli and that includes your inner world - your
pain, your stress, your worries. And I do that with an intensity that can short-circuit my central nervous system. You can't hide
your emotions from your Aspie child. There is this myth that Aspie's lack
empathy or lack the ability to understand another person's emotions and
that is just the biggest load of BS. Only a neurotypical could make that
assumption. the majority of Aspie's that I know are
extremely empathetic and intuitive - to the point of it even being physically
painful. We also happen to be really good at separating ourselves and distancing
ourselves from emotion, so we can look at a situation logically and analytically. But, that doesn't mean that we don't feel or notice the feelings of others. In fact,
we actually shut down because we feel too much. View your child's tantrums as a reaction
to his perceptions of the stimuli rather than a choice that he is making to
interrupt your peace or cause you trouble. In those moments, safety, empathy, and your calm presence are what move your child from meltdown to maturity. My
next suggestion #2 is to stop saying - "You are so disrespectful." or "You are just
being defiant." It's never constructive to be critical. If your child is being
disrespectful, he likely feels disrespected. If he's being defiant, he's
attempting to retain dignity - his sense of autonomy. I loved when Dr. Shefali
declared her love for the defiant child in her recent Oprah interview because
it's so true. The "defiant child" won't let you use your power to control them. Whatever hypocrisy or dissonance they sense, they will mirror it right back to
you loud and clear. Defiance is a request to be seen and
heard. It is a blanket of armor that is worn to protect the self. So, instead of
assuming your child's intentions, can you inquire about his resistance by building
a bridge? Use words like, "I never realized how strongly you felt about this," or "I
was clearly under estimating your passion," or "I don't like it when you tell
me that I'm wrong, but I respect that you have a different view than I do," or "We
disagree, but I believe that we can come to a place of agreement where we could
work out our differences." Disrespect is not something that we are born with. Defiance is not a symptom of Asperger's. These actions are bred from a sense of
isolation, disconnection, or feeling unheard. Aspies will show you the respect,
cooperation, and loyalty that you expect and desire when you walk your talk with
honor and without using blame, shame, judgment, or guilt to try and change
behavior. Okay, #3 - the next time that you want to say, "if you would just..."
or "Why can't you just..." Step back, and remember that your child is doing the
best that she can in that moment. Nothing makes a child who is struggling with
meeting the expectations of adults feel worse than when you assume that she
isn't trying - to pay attention, to listen, to do what she's
told. As a kid, I always heard, "Oh, she's so smart but she doesn't apply herself." But
no one investigated why I wasn't applying myself. They just assumed that I
wasn't, that I was refusing to. Kids on the spectrum may need lots and lots of
repetitive practice and support to accomplish certain tasks. They are also
helped if you make your requests visual and break things into smaller step. Aspie kids are visually oriented, so remember to "show them" don't "tell them." Don't give
directions from three rooms across the house and then expect them to be
followed. Many aspies cannot process verbal instructions. They need to
actually be shown the steps - and sometimes - over and over before those
patterns of expected behavior will take hold. It's never helpful to presume that
your child is not trying or that she could do it if she would just try more. Your
child may actually be struggling with some aspects of the action and not able
to manage moving from point A to point B. Help your child reflect where she could
make new choices and evaluate outcomes, so that she can understand her strengths
and her weaknesses and see where she can actually apply new behaviors. You can use
words like, "Let's try again," or "This is a challenge. What could we do instead?" or "I
bet that there is more than one way to do this. What do you think? You have any
ideas about what we could do?" or "Let's leave these instructions out. That might
help if we can refer to them," or "Can we make a list of what did work and what
didn't work this time?" Okay, I know that sometimes the reactions of your child
can baffle you. But the next phrase - #4 - that I want you to stop saying is - "Why would
you say that? What's wrong with you? Shame on you." Remember to help your child with
social interactions rather than interrogating him about his blunders. If
you ask your child why they did what they did, you will likely get a very
blunt response that might incite your anger or your child might shut down and
give you no answer - possibly frustrating you even more because you don't
understand. A child who laughs when a friend gets hurt or who gives
unsolicited advice does not mean to appear to lack empathy. Sometimes, it's the discomfort of not knowing what to say or a passion for "problem-solving logic" makes Aspie kids
react in ways that seem unkind or uncaring.Putting your foot in your mouth
is embarrassing enough for everyone and no one wants to be pigeonholed into
those kind of behaviors no matter how often they happen. So, if your child
responds with an inappropriate remark, give quality feedback about what to do next time. Inquire about your child's reactions or point him to notice what
you really want him to notice next time. You can say, "Seems like you're having a
hard time right now," or "That was unexpected," or "I'm not sure Jack understood what you meant by that. Let's try telling him again." Be straightforward, "It looks like you were
surprised when Kayla fell off her chair." "I bet that hurt. Let's ask her if she's
okay." Inappropriateness is not a lack of
empathy, so don't assume that your child doesn't feel for another person simply
because his expression is not delivered in the way that you were used to. And, my
final phrase - #5 - to give the axe to is, "Look at me." Maintaining eye contact has long been touted by discipline experts as a sign of respect. But, it's just not true -
especially for an Aspie. Making eye contact can feel like an anxiety-ridden
test of strength with no clear purpose. And, "no clear purpose" is just what an
Aspie needs to defy your request every time. First, eye contact has nothing to do
with respect. Since I was a child, I would look at people's mouths when they spoke
and it happened unconsciously, I would catch myself looking at their mouths and
sometimes I would look up at the eyes but my habit seems to be to stare at the
mouth. No one ever commented and I never shared my secret gaze with anyone. And, I also had no idea why I did it until I was in
my late 30s, and I discovered that avoiding eye contact was common for kids
with Asperger's. Looking into someone's eyes tends to distract my focus, but
mostly it feels uncomfortable. And, when I feel uncomfortable my anxiety goes up
and my verbal communication skills go down. So, please stop asking your kids to
"look at you." That may be driving them to a state of reactivity where their
ability to understand and follow what you are saying is actually compromised. If your child struggles with making eye contact, have them used the bridge of
the nose as a focal point - right between the eyes - and trust that your child will
look where it feels right and safe to do so. And, that looking at you doesn't
necessarily mean that he's hearing you. Okay that was my teachable moment for
you. I could probably go on, and on, and on with these but we only have so much time
in these videos, so I want to hear from you - moms, dads, adults on the spectrum, teachers, counselors. What was one thing that you think we should never say
to a child with Aspergers? Leave me a note in the comments and share your
thoughts because I would love to know what you guys think. And, if you want more
video trainings like this be sure to check out my website at teach-through-love.com and subscribe to my youtube channel because when you subscribe to updates, I
will send you my latest free training to help you create the family that you
deserve. Now, did you like this video? Because if
so, I would love it if you would pass it on to someone that you love or share it
on your favorite social media site because when you share the love - you spread the love. Thank you so much for watching. Until next time please remember,
it's about consciousness - not perfection. That's all for today. Bye!
