3 Tips for Neurodivergent Marriages (Is Your Partner Autistic? ADHD? Neurotypical?!?)

three tips for neurodivergent marriages so relationships can look a little bit different if you have autism or adhd or both the three tips in this video essentially describe the three biggest problems that i see all the time in my work coaching people in long-term relationships welcome back to asperger's from the inside you're here with paul i make weekly videos sharing the human side of autism so make sure you hit subscribe to get the latest content this week's patrons choice video is three tips for neurodivergent marriages if you and or your partner have autism and or adhd and you plan on having a till death to us part type of relationship then this video is for you and make sure you stick around till the end to get a free download with specific advice for a common problem around emotional intimacy plus a special offer for online counselling sponsored by betterhelp so this video is looking at some pretty in-depth stuff around long-term relationships so if you've just met someone and you think they might be on the spectrum you might want to first check out my video on how to love someone with asperger's that is more for getting your head around what creating a neurodivergent relationship at all is going to is going to involve which is essentially letting go of a lot of expectations and redoing how you might otherwise have communicated in a situation whereas this video i'm assuming that you're already in a relationship and you're going through the kind of common struggles that a lot of a lot of couples face so the first tip with regard to solving everyday challenges everyday problems that are bound to come up so tip number one is solve problems soon and what do i mean by that um it might be easier to understand this by its negative what you do not want to do is insist that a problem must be solved right now in this very instant um and the or the opposite of that which is to accept that a problem is never going to get solved and it's just okay and it's just something i'll have to live with so this is the kind of thing where most of us sort of fall one way or the other like if they're if you're having an argument are you the kind of person that wants to keep going and keep going until you resolve it right now or are you the kind of person that would prefer to avoid conflict and say oh i was a little bit upset by that but they probably didn't mean it so i probably don't have to bring it up again the the the first one of insisting that a problem is solved means that when i'm trying to solve the problem i'm actually really upset and really emotional in that moment so the i the concept of solving a problem soon means pausing taking a time out calming down and then at a later point thinking about when is a good time to bring up this problem again when is a good time to make a tiny little step forward on the solution to whatever we're trying to to grapple with the opposite of that and the reason that we have to make sure we do it soon rather than letting it go along is because some of us and i know i definitely fall into this category i've i'm used to putting up with things i'm used to thinking oh well that's not exactly how i like it but i've always had to put my needs below the demands of the world around me so if i do that on a constant basis i'm going to end up resenting my spouse because that i'm always putting them first and i'm always doing what they want and eventually i'm gonna start getting this story in my head about well what about me what about what i need isn't what i need important and if that builds up a lot it's eventually going to come out again in a very emotional way that um might not necessarily be the most functional way to solve the problem so the the message of this first tip around solve problems soon is number one it's okay to take a break if i'm extremely upset if my partner's really upset if we are too angry to talk civilly to each other at the moment it's probably a good idea to take a break and at the same time i need to make sure that i am asserting what i need in this relationship too and this is the the really challenging part right because we've got two people and two sets of needs and we've got if it leans too much towards one side or too much towards the other side then that can cause equally problematic situations that are eventually going to kind of eat me up inside so um the i really love brene brown's work on this uh talking about resentment and choosing discomfort over resentment and the idea behind that is if i say yes when i mean no then eventually i'm gonna resent my partner for asking me to do it in the first place even though i said yes i'm okay with this solution so let me give you a clear example of this so when my wife and i bought a couch for the first time it was very big and it didn't really fit anywhere that we were happy with in the lounge room and we had to try and figure out and agree where we were going to put it now this sounds like such an everyday mundane little issue where are you going to put the couch but we couldn't solve it in that moment and we were both getting really upset and i especially was getting extremely upset so instead of keeping on talking in that moment i had to literally leave the house and go for a walk and go and sit in the park for an hour at least i can't even remember i was so upset at the time until i could calm down and come back and re-engage in the process and you know what we didn't re-engage in the process that day we had to wait till the next day before we were both calm enough to actually talk through the process so these kind of little everyday things are what i'm talking about with solve problems soon it can be extremely frustrating even um to the point of anger when you can't agree on to put the toilet seat up or down or to wear shoes in the house or not or to what to cook for dinner tonight or how to handle a family situation all of these really everyday things happen all the time and if you feel yourself getting extremely angry then think i'm going to solve the problem i'm just not going to solve it right now i'm going to take a break first and then i definitely am going to solve the problem soon so the second tip is a little bit related to that it's set your partner up for success what i mean by this is there are certain limitations that you're part of things that your partner can and cannot do so if i'm constantly asking my wife to do something and she's constantly not being able to do it or not doing it for some reason then that sets up a dynamic where i'm always asking and i'm always getting disappointed and she's always being asked being nagged and always disappointing me we're all losing in every sense of the word so instead what we're looking for is to recognize the limits of emotions and energy and ask ourselves the question what if my partner actually can't do what i'm asking them to do right now and it could be as simple as i'm too tired to do what you're asking me to do right now i know you want me to put the dishes away but i've had a really long day and i actually have zero mental energy left and i really do need to be on my phone by myself right now so that kind of thing can cause a huge amount of conflict if we don't recognize our own limits especially our own limits around emotions and energy and ask ourselves the question can my partner do what i'm asking them to do and if the answer is no and it usually it it usually helps to assume that the answer is no then what can i do instead what else could i do to manage in this situation if if i can't ask my partner at this moment for what i need so i suppose it's relatively straightforward to think about this in terms of physical tasks and physical energy uh you know i'm too tired at the end of the day i can't make decisions i've have some executive functioning challenges or maybe i'm overloaded with something and and i can't do something in the moment but what do i mean by emotional limits our emotional limits are what we can handle emotionally so this might look like i want my partner to acknowledge how i feel and maybe that's not possible or maybe i want my partner to engage in my social life and come out and meet my friends or meet my family or attend this event what if they don't have the ability to do that or they know that situation would be overwhelming thing you know especially around around energy things like i've just come home from work and i know you want to talk to me but actually i need some down time alone at the moment so if you ask me to interact with you it's going to be a really difficult situation where i have to say look you know if if i have the words to say it at the time which i probably won't if i'm really tired i would want to say i really love you i care about you but i can't talk to you or interact with you at all for the next hour until i've had my down time and my brain is reset and then i can come back and actually actually interact with you so um with regard to emotions it might be i'm too angry to talk to you right now or i'm too sad to talk to you right now or i don't i'm not capable of engaging in this degree of um intensity in our emotions right now which means that i i can't think about kids or i can't think about the fact that you you know are not happy with our relationship or i can't think about these other really really difficult things to process um and and and work through emotionally and so what i might do instead is completely withdraw from that because i can't i simply don't have the emotional capacity to do what you're asking me to in this moment so with that in mind setting our partner up for success looks like recognizing what they can't actually do in a particular moment and and working around that so that we're not doing the opposite which is setting them up for failure asking asking them demanding that they do something they actually don't have the ability to do in that moment one of my favorite communication strategies around this has to do with code words or safe words that can essentially be pre-encoded with a very specific meaning beforehand so that when i'm tired or overwhelmed or otherwise have trouble communicating i can still tell you what i need in the moment so a really stereotypical example of of a pre-agreed code word is timeout if i'm feeling overwhelmed i can say time out i can say let's take a break and it's understood between both of us instantly what that means and how and we can instigate the timeout protocol and it automatically does it by itself without the need for me to explain how i'm feeling and explain why i need it and explain what i want to happen it just happens so essentially the purpose of picking a word like this in advance or a short phrase like this in advance is it allows you to quickly clearly directly and kindly tell your partner what you actually need and so that might be i'm having a meltdown it might be it i need space it might be i'm overstimulated please don't talk to me or just make the decision by yourself i can't i don't have the executive functioning resources at the moment to make any decision or even respond to your questions so instead i'm going to communicate that that's the case and then with this concept of recognizing each other's limits and setting each other up for success my partner will then know that asking me another question when i've already said i can't think enough to answer questions is not a good idea and would just be setting me up for failure okay tip number three focus on what you can control and put your own oxygen mask on first this probably should be tip number one and the go-to in any given situation if you're finding that your situation your relationship is really difficult at the moment then you've probably already tried a lot of things to make it better and probably those things haven't worked as well as you'd like and you're probably quite frustrated at that and not sure what to do next well the whole point of focusing on what you can control is to reduce that frustration if i'm trying to get my partner to change her behavior then that's unlikely to succeed because i can't really control that very well whereas there are some things that i have a great deal of control over i can decide to go for a walk i can decide to call a friend or to um have you know have something else that that's nourishing for me in that moment and when i choose to take care of myself first put my own oxygen mask on first what i'm doing is firstly i'm not only just reducing the frustration of i'm trying something that didn't work i'm also giving myself more energy by taking care of my own needs first which means i'm no longer asking my partner for something they can't actually give me and and causing additional stress that doesn't need to be in the relationship so this is actually an extremely powerful strategy because number one you have control over this by definition have a look at what you can control have a look at what you can do to help you to meet your own needs help make yourself feel better in in the mo in that situation and what that will do is mean that you've got more energy and more resources to eventually later going back to the first one of um solving problems soon i'm building my energy i'm retreating i'm going on a retreat i'm i'm i'm refocusing so that for the purpose of eventually later i'm going to go back and try and get my mice problem solved soon but for the moment all i need to do is focus on myself first and this can actually be a hard one to get a head around that it's actually a really good thing to focus on my needs first before trying to meet someone else's which is why that oxygen mask concept is something that we're all familiar with and if you don't look after yourself first it's literally impossible to work with your partner in a positive way and support them and even articulate yourself and assert yourself in a in a kind clear direct positive way so that you have the best chance of getting your needs met and communicating to your partner later so in summary my three tips are number one solve your problems soon that means not right now but also not never number two is set your partner up for success by recognizing the limits of their emotions and energy and finally number three focus on what you can control put your own oxygen mask on first if you're looking to build more emotional intimacy into your relationship you might be interested in a free download that i've created called what to do when he won't text back all about managing aspie withdrawal which is a really common thing when one wants more and the other wants less and one is pushing and the other is pulling that's the kind of dynamic that we need to get out of as soon as possible so check out my free download on that alternatively if you feel like some professional help would be helpful in terms of taking care of yourself first and putting your own oxygen mask on first then you might like to try this special offer of 10 off online counseling with better help full disclosure better help provided me with both a free trial and a sponsored link so that i could test out their platform for myself and tell you honestly what i thought about the experience if you decide to try it too you can use the sponsored link in the description below to get 10 off your first month and support this channel in the process and if you're a little bit curious around online counseling but still not really sure if it's the right fit for you you might like to check out my video on the pros and cons of online counseling to help you make that decision so finally this has been a patrons choice video so thanks so much to everyone who voted for this topic this month if you'd like to have your say in next month's video you can become a cup of coffee supporter of this channel for less than a dollar a week so thanks again for watching i hope you found my tips valuable best of luck in your neurodivergent relationships and i'll see you again next week bye you

Channel: Autism From The Inside

Views: 66,273

Keywords: coping strategies aspergers, aspergers emotional intelligence, autism emotional intelligence, autism communication, how to love your aspie partner, how to love someone with asperger's, asperger partner, neurodivergent partner, marriage with aspergers, marriage with aspergers man, marriage with aspergers woman, asperger relationship, neurodivergent relationship, autism relationships, neurodivergent marriage, neurodiverse marrage, tips for neurodivergent marriages, paul micallef

Id: BU1qUyRETdY

Length: 18min 53sec (1133 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 16 2021