176 - Joey Diaz is WILD! - History Hyenas

big shout out to today's sponsor helix sleep i took their two minute quiz and guess what they did for me they matched me to the mattress that was right for me you know me i'm chrissy [ __ ] i got a wide set ass and i just got a weird shaped head and a weird shaped body and i took this quiz and they gave me the perfect mattress for me you will find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com wild go there right now what's up everybody welcome to another episode of history hyenas we are blessed today we got the great joey coco diaz in the building well via zoom via zoom it's what it is he's finally back on the east coast where he belongs it's just you know the east coast thing it's just a different it's just we do things a little bit different out here joey i hear you and i'm [ __ ] back i'm back like herpes do you understand me [ __ ] i [ __ ] love it it took me two months to get acclimated and the [ __ ] and to get that la [ __ ] stink of [ __ ] you know yeah [ __ ] needy smell off me and i'm back it's great to be back i'm happy to be back my kids are happy [ __ ] yeah dude happy and now you're back on the east coast ready to do what's right tomorrow on election day and [ __ ] put in the vote i can't vote i got the felonies you forget i got that's right i can't [ __ ] well listen i'll throw in what i can i can't gary i can't vote but i carry a gun so i'm one of those felons that's what it is well you know what don't worry bubba's tomorrow i'm gonna do a little voter for it and i'll throw in two more i'll throw in two votes for trump for you don't worry about it but you gotta understand one thing i'm in jersey i've been i've been out of jersey since 83 and i know i still vote in jersey you know for a fact some [ __ ] is voting my mother's been dead for 41 years i'm sure she's voting too this [ __ ] tuesday 100 percent they take everybody i'm telling you it's [ __ ] creepy yeah what about this jose diaz they don't know they don't [ __ ] know and look at look with everything you can there's a you could be and do whatever you want in 2020 i'm gonna vote i'm gonna vote once as a guy and then go back in line tuck it back and vote once is a girl because that's my right [ __ ] him [ __ ] him doing it yeah absolutely if you transition yeah you voting i'm i'm not voting i'm not voting i'm hoping i think it's time for a dictator enough enough of letting the russians meddle in our elections it's time for us to have a dictator so the russians can't do that anymore i'm ready to move on from democracy jesus [ __ ] christ you're giving up to the comedies already not a commie i wanna let's go far right let's try that one we've never done that oh you have to ask him for trouble no well you listen you know but we live that's the thing we [ __ ] we're sneaky little slippery [ __ ] we live one way on the internet and then we live another way on tv if we get a tv shows all of a sudden we're getting naked we're voting we're doing what's right we're saying kamala first african-american vice president is not african-american and then once the [ __ ] once from the internet on the home studio that's it baby we got trumpy bears coming out of our ass you know what i love about you and joey you and joey are probably the two guys in the comedy scene that could not lie about where they're from no matter what character they ask you to play yeah you guys are so new york new jersey so this northeast area right you can't hide it it [ __ ] bleeds out of you yeah i don't want to hide it i always wanted to know people where the [ __ ] i was from the accent the whole goddamn thing in fact i got to put an audition on tape today and i'm like you know what this guy just isn't me he's wasting my [ __ ] time this guy's a fisherman somewhere in south carolina how do i [ __ ] look like a fisherman from south [ __ ] carolina i'm not [ __ ] auditioning yeah they'd have to change the role yeah they'd have to have to be a guy in a witness protection program from jersey in south carolina yeah fishing yeah no no no that's just [ __ ] i can't like i can't get rid of my accent no you know they used to send me out on all these auditions and i'd go it's not going to work i don't know voices i can't do chinese i don't know nothing you know these people can speak with an english accent i can't do any of that yeah and you shouldn't have to and you shouldn't [ __ ] have no i mean you know no but but but even now like what hollywood would say if you what so if if if you if you're you know you're a spanish guy acting like a [ __ ] portuguese guy is that are you allowed to do that because now in the hollywood they'll say you can't [ __ ] you know what do they say if somebody in a role acts outside their race what are they called appropriations appropriations yeah you're appropriating culture believe that yeah that's [ __ ] james khan was a great sonny i don't care if he was jewish yeah that's what happening is about you know i didn't get mad at andy garcia and the godfather i didn't get mad at any of that [ __ ] they're acting now in hindsight [ __ ] pacino was terrible as a cuban movie so good you don't give a [ __ ] you know yeah i mean that wasn't give a [ __ ] that wasn't really a spanish accent he said i mean that accent was just like that is scarface's accent and that's it it's just a character he created it's like foreign man right right it's [ __ ] crazy when you watch it now you're like what the [ __ ] was this wait joey so you're cute you're a cuban guy you're a cuban kid yeah cuban kid born in cuba raised on 205 west 88th street apartment 3a till the [ __ ] fifth grade but i went to catholic school in carnegie new jersey but i went to p.s 166 was part of the pal [ __ ] snorted glue the whole [ __ ] thing harlem the chicken place my godmother lived on 148 you know i was a [ __ ] city kid you're a new york city kid i still remember walking from 88th street to times square to see her majesty's secret service that's how [ __ ] old i am that was like a james bond movie in between sean connery and the other guy the guy's name was george lazenby like i used to [ __ ] walk all around that goddamn city yeah yeah back in my [ __ ] hand and then drugs came into the picture once drugs come into the picture you're [ __ ] all over the five boroughs you know soho noho brooklyn graves and you go everywhere the cop [ __ ] the museum what burroughs got the best drugs no he was dealing him no i wasn't selling them i was tapping them oh new jersey we've been living in new jersey so we go over the [ __ ] 135th street jerome avenue in the bronx i went to staten island one time we got threatened by the mafia we left but my favorite all-time cop in place was 135th in amsterdam right why was that your favorite because while you were there was a discotheque slash chicken fight so they had disco people snorting coke in the daytime and they had roosters fighting out in the yard i remember one day i went up there they had shot somebody and they had to look out on the corner to tell you to go around the corner to the different location while the cops cleaned up the [ __ ] shooting in on amsterdam avenue [ __ ] tremendous all the way to my bones guys and now one on 135th in amsterdam they have a [ __ ] or they did before the pandemic now they have a free comedy show at a hostel so things have just changed a lot there we used to get you know drugs and see chicken fights and now it's like a gentrified hostile stand-up show that they do i mean you'll see the [ __ ] palest widest skinniest kids walking around that neighborhood now and you just didn't see it back then i like to talk to guys who because giannis you know was was born in the 70s i was born in the 80s when were you born 50s 60s 63 but i didn't come to new york till 66. those 66 so you saw you saw a different new york than all of us like everybody the people places you talk about now in new york kids are like it's all about gluten-free cupcakes now but you saw the real [ __ ] no no it was it was tremendous and i had i'm catholic so i had a catholic godfather who picked me up every saturday and took me to [ __ ] times square and he took me to see the love bug and like the world's strongest man with jan michael vincent then he pulled me aside and he goes listen no more these [ __ ] kid movies if you want to go to the movies you got to go see my movies because you just can't tell your mother i go fine first movie the velocity papers and then we just went up from there everything that came out it was [ __ ] crazy you know you people hanging out in the corners playing three-card monty i still remember getting beat by a three-card monty guy chasing them [ __ ] tremendous just those were the days where your parents or your uncle or whatever just took you to the movie they were going i remember my parents back then they took me to see like movies like jagged edge and then i wouldn't sleep for like two three weeks yeah i would just drag you wherever they were going my grandfather give a [ __ ] my grandfather in the in the in the 90s mid 90s me and and and my cousin he would watch us during the day while our moms worked he took us i would to green acres mall out in uh in nassau county took us green naked small he took us to see don't be menaced to south central while drinking juice in the hood and fell asleep and then he took us to see the movie clueless that's what we would see and we saw each movie like five times in the summer but i mean don't be mad south central drinking juice in the hood it's just i mean it's sex drugs and this guy would just be sleeping because he didn't take his diabetes medicine and that's just what it was and that was like being a kid that was great now it's like if you did that my grandpa would be in jail it's [ __ ] it sucks it's crazy it's [ __ ] crazy how when i go up north i live in south jersey when i drive north i'm old so i gotta pee i can't [ __ ] pull my dick on the side of the road and be no more i know if you get a ticket for paying you got to register as a sex offender i know that yeah my brother got a ticket for peeing and he had to register as a [ __ ] sex offender so now i got to [ __ ] pull over three times every time i you can't shock you pick out the penalty my bro my my grandfather he would we would drive to florida and he would hate [ __ ] stopping so he would make my grandmother this is i i was a little kid i don't i barely remember it i was maybe three so i don't remember but my mother told me he would he where they were driving there was traffic he didn't want to pull over he made my grandmother empty out the con [ __ ] in her purse he made her piss in the person and she threw the piss-filled purse out the window on i-95 that's how it was you [ __ ] didn't stop or get out or pull your genitals out and pee on the side of the road with him nobody knows nothing you know what i'm saying [ __ ] it you pee in a water bottle yeah whatever things have changed they've changed we're here now we're here now we got to accept it like bill burr said in this monologue you wanted the old new york now you got it yeah he's back getting bit slapped they're getting smacked the city's brought it up are you happy to be back on the east coast you're happy like you you're not you're not going back west you're gonna stay here now no i'm [ __ ] done my friend i am done that was that was a vietnam tour of [ __ ] death that was that was it guys this journey started in 93. i came back to new york i got my footing i did some open mics at the new york comedy club i met mike maschetti in 93 and i went to colorado for two years i developed went to seattle for two years stayed up there in that [ __ ] hellhole and then went down to l.a and i've been in l.a since 97. it happened what's the biggest difference you think between la and new york that you saw i know where i stand i know where i stand with people i know where i stand with uh myself and i know where i stand with my friends la is a great place to go when you're young i had a great time you know you watched the documentary on the comedy store it was great but it was uh it's not a good place to raise a kid like right now i'm in the mood to get an attorney and sue l.a for the last seven years of having my child there because this is this is a complete different [ __ ] world for a kid that is not a world for a kid everybody i know had a [ __ ] nanny you know all the kids she hung out with had [ __ ] nannies that means there's no direct connection with your parents because your parents want to be [ __ ] jerk-offs and nine out of 10 times like i'd go to a swim class with my daughter i'd be in the pool me a fat [ __ ] and there'd be six other kids in the pool with their nannies and the parents were sitting there guys the parents were sitting there with their [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] sandals on with tattoos texting people lying telling them they got a pilot or some [ __ ] and they really got nothing going on like you know the last four years i lived there it was until i came back to shoot uh the prequel to the sopranos i was here for three weeks and i really enjoyed what was happening in my life there was no [ __ ] that that uh that feeling of uh i can't just not degenerate but that that's just not even needy it's like uh i don't i don't even know what to call it it bleeds on to you and when you're away from it you feel it the desperation when you're away from l.a you go wow i'm not bumping into desperate [ __ ] people anymore well there's an honesty here like in new york you meet a [ __ ] you know waiter the guy's a waiter you meet a contractor the guy's a contractor in la nine times out of ten you meet somebody that whatever job they're doing is just to buy time until they become a famous movie star whatever they want so everybody's sitting in their own [ __ ] for a long time we're in new york i feel like at least there's a sense here where it's like hey you are who you are and you kind of just got to accept it it's like if you're not going to make the movies kid it's like you got to find a way to pay the bills the rent and shit's too high here where la i think they can live on this dream a little bit longer and also i feel like la it's just it's a lot of times it's a city of you know who's the most most cutthroat person in your [ __ ] class moves out to la to try to become a movie star or director and the city is full of just cutthroat people that have no roots there where new york is like you know my family's been here for over 100 years and nobody thinks about leaving you know even me i only go to la for a few weeks and come back because i want to just try to make my career and my opportunities here i don't want to leave you know um but la it's like you kind of just go there temporarily try to make it big and then come back but that's why i think somebody like you you did what you wanted to do on your own terms and now you're back and you can make just as much money have just as much fame as these guys in the movies by doing from home in the in new jersey and being with your daughter every day it's a beautiful life it's uh listen i i'm not saying i drank the kool-aid but the first three or four years i listened to what they were saying to me you know do this on stage and then one day i'm like what am i a [ __ ] monkey i didn't come here to play to that song i'm doing this my [ __ ] way right and i i changed my stand up you know if you talk to rogan he'll say that i was struggling for a long time and one day it just hit me it was about 2001 where i was like [ __ ] these [ __ ] [ __ ] the montreal comedy festival [ __ ] the you know [ __ ] them off you're doing stand-up to be funny right not the [ __ ] you know i heard people coming up to me going you know you got to change your material it's got to be about your family they have to see your sitcom what [ __ ] sick time are you talking about i'm so [ __ ] sick toms i'm doing dirty comedy nothing bothers me when somebody calls me a celebrity that i rather you call me a fat [ __ ] spice you're in the right place don't call me a [ __ ] celebrity i'm not a celebrity i'm a dirty [ __ ] comic lucky well here's the irony now you're making more money on the podcast and doing things your own way than you would ever on a sitcom these sitcoms like giannis has said before podcasting is the new sitcom i mean well you know you go on the joe rogan show your life changes you go on the tonight show with jimmy fallon nobody cares nobody sees it nobody gives a frenchman's [ __ ] no listen comedy central and quibby are [ __ ] done yeah comedy central and quibby are [ __ ] done why because they played the same broken [ __ ] record that what could be do they took all the shows and all the people that have canceled more [ __ ] shows than cancer these people are a ton of kisses of death meanwhile i got janice and [ __ ] you up there rocking the house i got tim dillon nobody's talking to you [ __ ] quimby didn't even talk to this is what i'm saying they're playing the same record with the same people i can name five ten people who all they do is go on shows to get the show canceled right put him back on the show they re put them back on the show but meanwhile chris and janice are sitting there until your escrows roots nobody talks to you and i can't figure it out comments central lost their credibility yeah they lost their credibility and look like daniel and a few other guys they [ __ ] were sucked they suck promoting the wrong people yeah they had a chance to do the right thing they still [ __ ] suck yeah [ __ ] democrats they were trying to yeah they started to try to say the right thing which is like the opposite of comedy it's like whatever you say it has to be right it's got to be righteous it's got to be but you know what though credibility but as part doing the podcast and you know you mentioned a guy like a tim dillon andrew schultz all those guys they sell five times the amount of tickets as somebody who's been propped up by the industry could sell dude me and jana sell more tickets than some people on saturday night live so who gives it so so we're like fine go we won't make your variety list we won't make who cares we're [ __ ] making money from home selling tickets [ __ ] everybody and we've never even been on joe rogan we we've never even had the major platform we're doing the [ __ ] our way and we feel proud about it it's a lot funner this way anyway this is best yeah you said you said it best how long can hollywood prop these [ __ ] stiffs up yeah and the people seen right through it people saw right through it yeah you know they were coming down to the comedy store on tuesdays and they were watching all their [ __ ] heroes getting blown out of the water getting blown out [ __ ] blown out of the water yeah yeah i seen three or four comics that didn't even want to go up behind some people like they were chickening out no names here no names you know who the [ __ ] you are you [ __ ] but i saw a lot of guys stop coming to the store because they couldn't follow the [ __ ] heat i believe it america's [ __ ] sweethearts yeah they were america's sweethearts and pretty soon they just drizzled over to the improv in the lab factory or [ __ ] what's the other place where the alternative comics go the current theater or whatever the [ __ ] is it there's a comic book store right oh yeah yeah largo and everybody loves everybody but that's what was great towards the end of the store we were just bitch-slapping [ __ ] like they were coming in with their [ __ ] industry [ __ ] and they were getting the [ __ ] out of it it was quick yeah quick it was tremendous so and it's also and also it's a way around this cancer culture where you know fine if you're a bad person fine but most the time people getting canceled for [ __ ] because it doesn't meet an industry standard where now if you have the podcast on the youtube you let the people decide i love to be in the position where the people are deciding my fate not [ __ ] colgate toothpaste that puts pressure on comedy central to cancel me for some something i said 10 years ago i i would never want to be in that position and luckily you know we're not now and even if they come to you with something that you said 10 years ago they could go [ __ ] themselves like i've had with that [ __ ] when i listen when that's a i knew this was going to become a problem you saw the writing on the wall look they changed [ __ ] columbus day to ambiguous day right the [ __ ] yeah what do you call it indigenous people's day yeah okay right away we lost the war guys now what was the next thing they wanted to do they wanted to put halloween on a saturday go [ __ ] your mother they gotta learn how to party on a tuesday these [ __ ] kids you can't make once you start doing that [ __ ] once you start doing that [ __ ] you create a problem so now a supreme court judge is going to get nominated and some [ __ ] ugly chick from a frat party shows up 22 years later and says that he covered a mouth and a party that was not good we shouldn't have paid attention to that right because it was 22 years ago as a human being we change every seven years yeah so even if the guy covered your mouth he's [ __ ] up enough for not putting his dick in your mouth that's what he should have done if he if he would have knew what you was gonna say now you know that you covered his [ __ ] mouth so once we allowed that to happen in america then they started in with this [ __ ] that chris said something in 1982 that diana said something in 2001 you know what you could all suck my dick yeah because that was a long time ago we felt a lot differently about life i got a daughter now i wouldn't do half i don't even smoke dope in the [ __ ] house like i don't smoke dope in the house there's a personal [ __ ] respect to my seven-year-old daughter she don't [ __ ] have a clue but that's the type of dude i am i don't smoke listen i stepped up with three hands you know i don't have weed in the car with me at all i don't smoke in the car because we have as americans we all haven't already have the right to [ __ ] smoke dope why you gotta smoke it in your car and smack the top in the face well you gotta bother eat i'm saying yeah franklin in your backyard go for a walk with the chinese guy that lives next to you yeah wear a mask though whatever always gotta wear that back around chinese you got to wear a mask you got to wear a mask around everybody you know what i'm saying [ __ ] no don't blame the chinese i go see a puerto rican about a nickel bag i gotta wear a mask you gotta wear a mask all of them you gotta wear a mask you know it's funny when you have a daughter think they change like you that's respectful that you don't smoke the open house because your daughter i've i just had a daughter two weeks ago and i've realized every time late night where i've taken out my phone to throw on porn to jerk off i felt like something's wrong with it i feel like i shouldn't be doing this with my daughter sleeping in the house so what i did is i went and jerked outside in the woods i did it outside out of respect for my daughter sick [ __ ] she doesn't know i did it but i know i did it but you know you did it yeah and maybe a few neighbors knew i did it we're [ __ ] it's weird we're [ __ ] comedians we a lot of us have daughters what do you think is going on why do we all we're all we're doing is pumping we don't have enough testosterone to be real men that because we do skits anyone who gets on stage and does performance is a little [ __ ] gay all three of us even though we're guys we got a little bit a touch we got a little sugar in the tank yeah you can't you can't look yeah you can't look your friends straight in the eye and say come see me perform on friday night god has a weird sense of humor guys he does whether you yeah whether you believe or you don't believe whoever the [ __ ] is watching over things has a weird sense of humor who would have thought after 13 years of being with a woman you know that i would have knocked her up at the age of 50. 13 years i've been with that woman now i've been with her for 20. right but after after nine years we got a cat we're like this ain't gonna work the thc levels and my sperm the tropical helmet juice ain't working and all of a sudden out of nowhere at the age of 50 with all the [ __ ] i've been through in my life god throws or somebody satan buddha yeah whoever [ __ ] runs the jews somebody threw a blessing on me of a daughter at the age of 50 they're really beautiful so you know you always want to be a tough all you people who say you're not atheist you've got to believe in something because something's out there let me joey let me ask you you're a cuban you're a cuban guy now what's more scandalous growing up in a cuban family coming home with a like if you're dating someone who's a prostitute or a democrat which your parents more disappointed about well first of all i gotta talk to you guys about something i throw in my life there is no politics whatsoever and in my mom's life there was no politics but cubans go to the right bank cubans go to the right if i tell you something you're not going to believe it yeah i don't know anything about the right or the left did you know that yeah i knew we grew up we grew up [ __ ] catholic my mom didn't want me to be gay she wanted me to be in the army and shoot people those are dreams and for me to become an attorney after i left the army that was her plan for me she felt that she owed it no i didn't [ __ ] do it i chickened out on the [ __ ] on the blood test for the army and instead of becoming an attorney i ended up going to prison so i didn't do it so we didn't you know i'm not a political guy guys you know why because it doesn't matter who's present i still got to get up and earn a living every day so i'll vote i'll vote for the president that lets me sit at home scratch my balls sniff my fingers and smoke dope all day how's that time for politics in my life i don't i don't have a clue of politics in my life i don't watch the 6 30 news i don't know nothing i don't know i don't want to know nothing all i want to do is live my [ __ ] life i don't lean right i don't lean left i don't even know what that means yeah you guys are [ __ ] kidding me no we get it no we can't it's too we don't it's not the same cause we just joke around but we we we joke around but we're the same we're [ __ ] i mean they call me chrissy chaos you know we we and you know johnny's down the middle we're just in the gray zones we live our lives in the gray zone we don't take a political stance at all we just [ __ ] go where the wind goes it's so weird how i don't pay attention to it i don't believe it i grew up nuts and county guys right that's a micro that's politics in the micro dose right i can't even imagine the thievery and the scandal and the [ __ ] that goes on in the macro in the bigger picture watching the micro just county politics jersey politics you know it was hudson county and cook county whatever the [ __ ] illinois is that were corrupt as [ __ ] when i was growing up i never i never really paid attention to politics what about when you were a little kid and the cuban missile crisis was going on did that did that have any heat on the family or no no no that's what i wanted to talk to you guys about today because you guys are [ __ ] intelligent as [ __ ] i want you to break it down for me let's do it let's do it so i want you [ __ ] to break and before we move any further i want to give a shout out to my nephew luke gallo he's the one that turned me on to you guys he's the one that talked he talked me into [ __ ] going on your guide show he said you guys are great you're fascinating so here i am because of my nephew so you guys get your hands out there that [ __ ] reached out to me and said those are two solid [ __ ] up there in brooklyn so and i wish you next time next time i come up but this week there's no school in jersey yeah because of the [ __ ] conference so i had to just throw my wife out i had to tell her you got to go yeah because the sun is out my wife's like from tennessee she's like well it's windy out who gives a frenchman's [ __ ] you're american indian you people grew up in the [ __ ] wind get the [ __ ] out there's no coffee there's no ep's in jersey get the [ __ ] out make money and get out of the [ __ ] house already oh yeah oh yeah my wife's american indian and uh irish and i'm cute but this is a bad combination here so when i'm trying to do a podcast and i want to go off i can't hack my daughter upstairs no yeah my wife for some reason i come home today from the gym and i'm like what's going on here she's like well it's windy out you're [ __ ] american indian you guys grew up on the [ __ ] weekend you know i can't even sneak up on an indian and you're worried 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the pads this morning i'm a [ __ ] savage you're amazing dude yeah yeah you look good well you gotta have we all got well i got my my daughter's half puerto rican yeah and then yanis yani's is uh a half greek half italian which to the greeks if it's not greek it's a half breed yeah no it's three quarters you're irish chris um i yeah irish italian and german so just a classic [ __ ] brooklyn mutt and then the puerto rican you [ __ ] love those spanish women yeah i couldn't get enough of it yeah i know you [ __ ] love your spanish me i like those dirty irish chicks yeah well i'm a catholic dude i went by [ __ ] saint michael's i did the whole thing getting an irish chick with a little dirt on her heels what i'm saying [ __ ] love it give me an irish chick with red hair and [ __ ] freckles on the titties i love the world i love irish chicks yeah irish chicks always got a little dirt on their knees or they're oh yeah yeah a little dirty yeah and they and they tolerate me because their dads are [ __ ] crazy yeah so my best friends are irish chicks because they're used to their dads being nuts so yeah that's my favorite so i if i look back well i'm married i can't say this but yeah what did i ever say for you i just feel like it's worth it to be catholic for how freaky it makes you people right like you catholics are freaky people because you grow up thinking it's bad and then so when you get into the game it's all nasty [ __ ] yeah and i appreciate that yeah it sucks it sucks like i really bought the catholicism thing guys like i really was all in i was a young cuban guy but i gotta tell you i still remember sucking my first set of thirties behind the church and thinking i was gonna die in the winter yeah i thought you know and i i built like a little [ __ ] glue the next day like i wanted to i wanted that you know i was a young kid some girl gave me a little funnel tits but the first time i sucked titties it was behind a church for a week i walked around thinking god was gonna kill me like yeah that's how catholic i was i think the first time i fingerbanged the chick too was behind a church you did all your nasty activities in the church yeah yeah first time i got jerked off was in a rock in the woods by a catholic girl from catholic school saviors yeah because you're not because yeah that's especially when they come she was she was doing school yeah they're ready to suck dick they're ready to go it was she was [ __ ] crazy she was doing hail mary's the whole time she was doing it yeah it was she was she was asking for forgiveness while she was doing it and that turned me on a little bit yeah yeah i [ __ ] crazy same thing with me dude i would never you know being catholic i'm saying joey catholic my whole life i would never jerk off on good friday because that's the day jesus died you got to have [ __ ] penance i would never i would never allow myself to jerk off on fridays because that's no good um i would jerk off on easter sunday because you were excited that jesus rose from the dead and was coming back to that celebration you [ __ ] jerk off you're so happy and i i never jerk off on 9 11 because i'm i'm a catholic patriot yeah can't do that yeah what made you guys lose your interest in the catholic church when how old were you when you like i think the pre the priest [ __ ] kids had something to do with it for me yeah that whole thing but you are you already over 18. i was over 18 but just a couple of those news stories i was like you know what i think there's some fishy stuff happening in the basement of where i played cyo basketball i still and joey and i still am catholic i got catholic tattoos all over my body i still consider myself a soldier in the army of jesus but i don't go to church at all anymore but my daughter but my you know my daughter goes to catholic school she's baptized you know my mother's very very irish catholic [ __ ] red hair you know very so so i still consider myself catholic but not practicing as much anymore but i really i didn't really start to have negative feelings toward the catholic church until until uh i met janice because make no mistake giannis is a negative nancy pelosi yeah i just like to i when i when i pass past catholic churches i just i just like to yell when i'm with chris we pass the catholic church so i'll just say there's there's a lot of pedophilia going on in there and i scream it loud yeah and then i get [ __ ] angry and i i challenge him to a fist fight yeah that's what we do we fist fight right in front of the catholic church then priest comes and breaks it up and we grab his balls because [ __ ] now the shoes on the other foot and chris has grown up and now you can get back at what that father bill did to you yeah i've said many times on on on the show joey when i was about 11 12 years old i got i got hit i got hit by a priest's father bill he caught me you know and what can you do it's when you're a catholic altar boy sometimes you're gonna get hit but it made me the man i am today and it's what it is yeah you know and i [ __ ] got a beautiful family now but you know yeah he i got clipped by father bill uh you know getting him one of his priest gowns on a [ __ ] regular sunday rainy afternoon and sometimes you know you take one in the mouth and i did it and it's fine he punched you right with his dick yeah yeah he can't remember ages seven to eleven but what can you do what are you gonna [ __ ] do that's terrible what are you gonna [ __ ] do it's just there's a little homosexuality in the catholic church deep in brooklyn and queens and you're just gonna have to deal with it and i dealt with it and it's not the same anymore which i'm happy i'm happy i don't have a son people are like oh don't you wish you had a son i'm like no in a way no man i i'm praying for more daughters just because growing up as a boy at least in the brooklyn queens that i grew up in being catholic altar boy got a little [ __ ] rough if you asked the mclarny brothers yeah it's just what i mean you guys catholic kids they grow up good kids everything's fine the priests do a lot of good things too that people forget the only bad side is once in a while when you smell incense you pass out you just have bad memories that's it yeah you see a robe you faint and that's it but it's wonderful [ __ ] that that that pedophile smoke you know they pass around with the chalice yeah a little purple smoke that's a pedophile smoke that's the same thing that [ __ ] batman used against the green hornet that little green smoke that [ __ ] you pass out i never got molested by a priest i never saw nothing negative i just uh when my mom passed when i was 16 i had a bomb with i just said like what type of god would thank your mom right and i backed off a little bit and then i went back to church maybe uh two years before i got locked up believe it or not i started i made my confirmation you know because i got thrown out of catholic school and uh i baptized my daughter but i don't go to church on sundays i say a couple of our fathers during the week and i'm good to go i'm not gonna go confess to some [ __ ] guy that just sucked the dick i'm not gonna confess i can't do all the [ __ ] no that's done i'm not saying they all suck dick i'm just saying that i'm not in the mood and when i went to church in la it felt like people went to church to be seen to be a part of something fake you know so i wait a couple weeks i'll wait till this covert is done and i'll pick one of these churches around here and go check it out and see what's going on if it's something good then i'll become a part of the community you know whatever if it's uh the same [ __ ] as la then i'll just move on but i'll still be a catholic now if the holy war comes are we we're we're all we're fighting for that team now the three of us yeah are we going to go are we going for jesus or i mean when if the holy world you mean jesus or mohammed i mean if you got to make a choice those are the teams i don't i mean i got i got a [ __ ] cross that says faith on my back and i got scripture on my forearms and i got my neighbor tattooed on my left tricep i gotta fight for jesus i mean joey the last crusades they [ __ ] they wiped the floor with us what was it nine to one muslims want nine to one we had like ten wars they won nine to one so if it happens again we've gotta people want to [ __ ] on muslims now the muslims were the were the cleanest most forthright thinking people in ancient times as a matter of fact in the crusade times when the when the christians showed up in egypt that and the constantinople area the muslims were the one that were clean and had science and would bathe the [ __ ] christians they look like animals they were disgusting animals the christians like to [ __ ] strike too much muslims [ __ ] shoot for the body and all fights end up on the ground all you got to do is watch a khabib fight to know that those [ __ ] are for real and if you go hand to hand i mean they're putting you to sleep we'll be sitting there trying to we're trying to do trying to jab and like you're boxing waste of time you get into a real fight with a muslim he's shooting for a body me i'm taking anybody out because i bite i'll tell you now i [ __ ] bite whatever body part is close to my mouth i'm [ __ ] biting i'm greek i fight dirty just know that if you want to step to me joe who's your favorite muslim all-time favorite muzzy go patel i had one muslim friend and uh boulder he was my econ [ __ ] major like my uh tutor right muhammad zabib you know i didn't i didn't know anything about muslims i didn't know anything about terrorists he was a good dude at first he had a little wang to him you know he had a little different smell to him but we became friends right and uh he got me like a bee and [ __ ] econ and i took him out to lunch and we were always cool so i got nothing nice nobody so he's probably my favorite muslim that's your favorite monster all right good yeah i mean there's a good chance if you've got a muslim friend that his name is muhammad it's the most common name in the world muhammad is is you know that is a fact that is the most common mohammed was my dog he introduced me to that whole world he tried to turn me onto hummus no way right not a hummus guy hummus is good the [ __ ] that giannis every time you eat hummus isis gets a dollar thomas and just making isis stronger by the way isis has been very quiet during the pandemic day sure yeah yeah because because the news cycle they they're not the isis doesn't sell tickets right now only covet sells tickets but once covin's over once that's over isis is going to be next up to sell the tickets they had the murder hornets those aren't selling tickets so they go away isis was selling tickets last year well they just actually they killed a few people in france yeah uh last week so you start to see it a little bit but once covert's over here isis making a comeback in the news for sure yeah yeah i mean you know we took the french they took a little break from drawing cartoons as soon as they [ __ ] drew one cartoon that's gonna cost here's just the deal you got to know if you draw a cartoon of muhammad it's going to be two or three heads are coming off and i bet you covet doesn't run rampant derices because they're all wear masks so they're good yeah but here's the thing there you go thank you joey it's important for our listeners to know your nephew who's listening if you are getting your head cut off by someone who's yelling ale akbar do not fight the temptation to be islamophobic educate yourself relax learn open your world up yeah just do not just resist that temptation put yourself on notice yeah and just know that you are being closed-minded and that's what we want our listeners to know do not be islamophobic if you're in that situation get your head cut off yeah what can you do yeah yeah yeah i'd like i got a [ __ ] sign i got a wrong message to say positive i got a size 8 hat head so i can tweet out all the muhammad cartoons i want because they can't cut my [ __ ] viking head off they're going to need a [ __ ] chainsaw they'll take my [ __ ] peanut head off with a butter knife yeah you're [ __ ] they'll flick it off like a [ __ ] tic tac they might not even not do it because it's not enough of a [ __ ] head for them to hold up yeah what can you do guys sorry [ __ ] mine yeah they talk to me about the talking about the cuban missile crisis the way a greek does go ahead yeah the interesting thing is i just realized you were born the same year as the cuban missile crisis so if you ever wanted to do comedy in the south and the black clubs you should just call yourself the cuban missile crisis yeah black comics loved it they love to have a [ __ ] name i mean joey if if the if your dick isn't named the cuban missile crisis i don't know what you're [ __ ] doing i don't know what's taking so long for you to make that connection it's called the cuban egg roll i'm uncircumcised nice it looks like a chinese egg roll so i just called the egg roll that's very rare for very rare for east coast catholic to not have a circumcised piece it's very very you're a rarity you're a [ __ ] commodity that you got that you got all your skin that's weird my father hung out with jews before we moved to new york my father had been back and forth running with jews so the way they got me into the country was illegally so we had to give something to the jews so they didn't circle i don't know what the [ __ ] happened i didn't know what it was yeah what i didn't know what the [ __ ] happened it's never too late i've you know you can always [ __ ] shed that [ __ ] that i'm 57 too much it hurts when i jerk off never mind the [ __ ] circumcision that my age right right i tell you i live the year in my sorry joe go ahead no no guys yeah now i was just gonna say i lived a year in miami um so i got like very familiar with cubans down there and uh how they view uh castro cuban missile crisis so the cuban missile crisis we came close to nuclear war if it wasn't for like some back channel negotiations between um a russian ambassador and robert kennedy uh we could have maybe went to war so it was uh it was a tense time that was the closest we came to a nuclear war and um you got to give jfk credit because both him and khrushchev were talking tough uh publicly you know uh to their own media to make themselves you know stand tall in front of their people but behind closed doors they were trying to de-escalate the situation right and at the end of the day de-escalation one we pulled our missiles out of turkey in italy that were pointed at russia they pulled their missiles out of uh cuba and then we just embargoed them and you can't [ __ ] get cubans now so that's that you can't smoke a [ __ ] cuban cigar because of the cuban missile crisis so that's the only bad thing that happened there right so yeah what year was the cuban missile crisis 62 1962 59 bayer picks was 59 yeah bear pigs is when uh a bunch of pigs landed on the beach and then uh you guys just started making hormone sandwiches with them cuban that's right that's where the that's where the cuban sandwich was it was inside it for [ __ ] mason man i just read a there's a great book by tj english called the corporation and it describes this guy he turned up being a gangster later on but before that he was part of the cia and trained and went down there and got let out he said that the cubans were waiting for they had barbed wire already in the ocean knives sticking up so what as they were coming out they were stepping on stuff already that was [ __ ] up their feet they were prepared they had the whistle had been blown on them so i believe it yeah they were right they were believing it was an inside job they were back they took them all to the dolphin stadium it's a great book you know i just haven't read it in a while to really uh focus on how they worked it and then they had jackie jackie kennedy made a speech at the orange bowl i guess something really weird it's pretty interesting i smoke too much dope i forget all this stuff well look joey that's why you guys are up on this well no on the podcast you know we they call us the wikipedia [ __ ] so whatever you just said we're going to [ __ ] wikipedia and google and that's what the fans are going to do and that's how we learn history together so whatever you just said we're just people are going to wikipedia and they're going to write it on the patreon patreon.com slash bay ridge boys and we're going to figure this bay of pigs thing out once and for all in about three to four weeks yeah we we we do we do we're mostly hyena just about five percent history so we don't do whatever history we do we reality is a suggestion and it whether it's true or not it is what it is yeah it is what it is yeah i love to be a real caring guest on your show and every time we come on you teach me about a little bit of history just a little bit just a little bit tell me why germans did this why the [ __ ] nazis did that why the polox did this why the chinese built our railroads i want you to teach me every time yeah and i promise to be a recurring guest if you have a lesson for me every time it's what it is i'm getting old and i'm kind of forgetting and you guys are young guys you got them passing the torch onto you [ __ ] so every time uncle joey comes on you give me a little history lesson that's what it is it's about abe lincoln jerking off the emancipation proclamation whatever betsy ross you know whatever whatever yeah she makes a nice flag that lady we would love to have you if you she does betsy ross made the fact that tonight and speaking about i'll be in philadelphia november 19 to the 21st you [ __ ] yeah and if you want a little if you want a little fact about who makes the flag now the chinese make the chinese just like we took the torch from you the chinese took the torch from betsy ross making the flag yeah it's [ __ ] what it is and be careful down there in philly on the 21st they're stabbing people down there i know i'm [ __ ] around down there and i see that video of the cops running away from people the other night philly yeah no cops oh my god chris dirty cops with shields helmets walking up the streets like [ __ ] platoon and all of a sudden i don't know what was coming down the street they just turned around and started running and i'm thinking to myself like i was out in l.a doing all that [ __ ] in july and people jumping up and down those people are half a [ __ ] fruitcakes out there yes philadelphia they've had a [ __ ] they had a courtroom in their stadium in 82 to contain the [ __ ] animals you know philadelphia is one of my favorite places in the world yeah because i'm home i went to glassboro i went to glassboro for a semester when i was a [ __ ] up i was home in philadelphia it became rowan now it's a new school named rowan some guy donated a bunch of money but once i went to philly the first time in 78 to see the stones i knew i was the son of philadelphia they're just crazy down there yeah so whatever's going on the rest of the country they're really gonna [ __ ] [ __ ] up in philly i was supposed to be in philly october 24th and now they were like nah no tickets nothing and then now you see all this [ __ ] going on and that's [ __ ] scary down there in philly that's close to camden then people don't play games dawg penn stalking camden that's a different world down there right yeah it is and also the big riots there was big ryerson next time you come on the show we'll talk about the old philly riots how about that yeah all right yeah and we'll talk about the old day of frank rizzo you know frank rizzo you would [ __ ] love frank rizzo out of philadelphia yeah okay yeah yeah go google frank rizzo crumb bum you'll laugh your [ __ ] balls off he calls some reporter [ __ ] crumb bum tells him to get off his property [Laughter] oh we're frozen coco's frozen now did we lose him oh [ __ ] joey cocod yes so we just lost joey coco diaz on the feed zoom the good news is one of the funniest baddest [ __ ] on the planet jersey's own yeah wants to come back get him in the studio we're going to bring him down to the ridge hopefully he'll come back on and on and on and on and on again [ __ ] yeah i mean how great is it we finally got [ __ ] caught his nephew lukas yeah because luke or [ __ ] what's his name luke [ __ ] raviolis some guido [ __ ] kid just uh joey's nephew uh talk to him about us so we appreciate that joey we love you man it was a great episode uh i had so much fun with it um if you want to get it early patreon.com bay ridge boys tell your friends they can see it soon uh historyhyenas.com of course and uh christy comedy.com i got shows in philly november 19th to the 21st johannespopperscomedy.com he's got shows in february we've both got little girls we both wish we had [ __ ] it's what it is also april 1st we're supposed to do a history hyenas live yes that's supposed to be happening yeah we'll see we'll see if de blasio shuts it down we'll see we'll see what happens we'll see what happens also go follow joey coco diaz on twitter on instagram if you don't know who he is you've been living under a rock one of the funniest guys yeah and what mad flavors yeah flavors go follow him and what's his podcast now binky is he still doing the church and what's happening or he's got a new pod unfortunately [ __ ] tech uncle joey's joint his new podcast check it out yeah joey thank you so much sorry we got cut off sorry we got caught up we got metro pcs here yeah we're gonna get we're gonna get new wi-fi we're gonna pay for it we're gonna get it and the guy that was supposed to install is just having really mental health issues and he's probably going to kill himself for the next two hours so we just but we're going to get it peace out all right here we go patreon list patreon.com slash bay ridgeboards doing it over zoom because we're franks and beans we forgot to throw it into the joey coco diaz episode what can you do here we go starting off um here we go nick elias sampson sheet sick name father bill fumara like father bill flamar like bill maher father bill famar okay uh yeah i think we at this point the for mars they've been done it's tough yeah it's tough liam gillen let me just say this let me just say this that's a tough thing about comedy that's what people don't appreciate about our job is once a joke is done i mean somebody gets to it i mean it's over i mean that's how it is it's like with music people can cover your song they can make the song the same name but with comedians we're just done and that's why we got to do cocaine and move on with our lives it's what it is liam gillen anthony pierce then we got how's your dad stink star um cody griffin shirelle now we got anthony make no mistake i want to use physical therapy on chrissy's prostate uh then we got millie flicking my eye nami nagata uh uh edamame yeah can you read it again with edamame millie flicking my edamame nagada let's get let's put her on the list hilarious okay then we got um fuhrman ali on the list i just broke my own rule and we're going back against what i just said yeah throw him on a list yeah it's what it is it's a good one right yeah if you come good you can break whatever rules there's there are no rules it's what it is yousef ramadan um yeah then we got niko my dick smells like fera hill pastidis i mean that's a greek greek greek deeply disturbed inbred village greek kid uh then we got martin luther sean king jr drexler uh then we got uh fumar scrotum uh we got the situation king aka kendrick lamar put him on the list with the that's it that's creative situation sean king yeah the situation king on the list yes then we got um suzanne sobrino uh then we got tommy i got puffy nips and i'm a silly goose three dollar bill freaked out by chrissy's smooth white ass tylenol pill legs okay tell it up hill legs is a good one if you came if you shorten that and you just went with something more tylenol pill legs yeah yeah chris's legs are the hue of tylenol pills if you just said chrissy tyler at all pill legs that might have got on the list yeah you got to tighten up that's called tighten up in the business but we're throwing you on a direction for the originality then we got richie gots to pick up the baby got a low grade fever and i don't want to be here mitchell yeah then we got gian suck my dick back can't get her hard if you don't stick my dick uh pietra that's just an old throwback to a classic uh if you haven't listened to the episode with christina hutchinson and you're new go listen to it drexler for that then we got uh stone cold franks and bean starring big titty giannis and drippy chrissy drexler then we got father bill withers peen on me it's a nice one bill weathers lean on me this is father will be father bill witherspeen on me i know i i'll give you a question because you like it but i'm getting tired of the father bills then we got tyler lacroix then we got mike i'm paying 15 000 a month just to have her tim dillon come out as a straight flynn um then we got carter call my p sean king because it's dark for a white guy drexler and i've got eastern european cabbage monkey with bizarre fumar sweet like azukar kowalowski i'd love to listen to the front runner bizarre fumar is funny right yeah it has azuka it's sugar in spanish yeah then we got franks and chrissy beefs christopher scott dupey roberto adan rondell hopper s lo k eslo gay s on the list that's the chicken finger that was there for the taking the whole time yeah then we got father build the wall i just broke it up i just that just broke another rule of mine i just you like father build the wall father built i mean you don't you don't get you don't like that yeah you're right you're i think i think i may have thought that we've had it already because it's so funny yeah we haven't had that already that's on the list father build the wall yeah i mean i keep making rules and then they keep breaking them i like yeah devin got jefferson freeman jonathan yenni christine morgan al khalifa whiz me hayden labelle rick poehler then we got johnny i got a sauce monkey's first name but make no mistake i fit the description um then we got cadell navel sweet [ __ ] christopher yappello father bill de blasio michelle bolivar matt race maurice drumny rob too old for crystalia but timid enough for brian cowan messina really good but we gotta leave that one alone we gotta then we got barack famara um then we got cole killiam then we got uh tacoma tacoma rage um and then yeah that uh that's that's it okay uh i think it's father build i think it's father build the wall for me big father build the wall i'm in the movie i think what are the other ones muhammad ali it's a goodie we might have had that one already father built the wall is big um father build a wall muhammad ali and then uh we also like eastern european cabbage monkey with bizarre fumar sweet like asukar wow yeah those are the three that's the real that's the trilogy binky who do you like yeah binky we got to go to you because those are three goodies i mean i like to build the wall one father build a wall just a uniqueness and i'm in the mood for chicken fingers bub it's an appetizer day he wins father build the wall you win patreon.com slash bay ridge boys thank you guys so much uh history hyenas.com oh also i got i added some new dates i got uh philly i added a thursday night show november 19th it's almost sold out and then we got november 28th and 29th uh bridgeport connecticut vinnie brand in bridgeport connecticut he gave me decent money but i mean i can't stress enough i [ __ ] hate when that guy's there and if he's on the show it's going to be a problem so if you're listening or people know vinnie don't don't come on my show i'd rather do one-man show than have to deal with you [ __ ] doing two hours of material and cooking sticks yeah that's what you gave me a good door deal so i'm coming bridgeport connecticut stress factor november 28 29 get tickets and i just i just uh booked this january 30th at the um what's the theater called chrissy you did i'm doing the live stream special i'm doing all my characters we're going wild i'm doing stand-up i'm doing everything january 30th 1 30 at the wall street theater yes connecticut so there's only 100 tickets that go there but then everyone else can stream it online so i'll be posting the link follow my socials uh get your tickets for that will go wild i'm bringing every character panos maurice i'm bringing all of them so we're going to go wild baby and yes giannis peppa's comedy tampa in um in february if it doesn't get canceled florida's not going to get cancelled so it i'll be doing that and then some more dates to come florida's not getting cancer we still don't have a president and at this point i genuinely don't care so i'm over it i don't care whoever you want to win they can win i don't care i hope you enjoyed that joey cokey cokey diaz episode yeah joey cokey diaz great guy we have technical difficulties at the end we're sorry uh but thanks guys so much we have up the internet because we're [ __ ] screwed in and most exciting part is that coco said he wants to come back on is reagan because he's in new jersey now so stay tuned he's coming back yeah because and you shaved your face and if you come into the studio on monday with your face like that i'm gonna punch it just punch it first i understand that i can't have a fat face and be shaved yeah i hate it you got well you have a fat face with sideburns it pisses me off we'll see you later ladybugs [Music]

Channel: History Hyenas

Views: 80,401

Rating: 4.9451876 out of 5

Keywords: Chris Distefano, chris Distefano comedy, Yannis Pappas, Chris Distefano Podcast, History Hyenas, bayridge boys, comedy, comedian, podcast, entertainment, pop culture, commentary, history, stand up, funny moments, hyenas, wild, new york city, hilarious, bay ridge brooklyn, joey diaz, joey coco diaz, the church of whats happening now, joe rogan experience, joe rogan, joey diaz stand up, the comedy store, sopranos, jose diaz, joe rogan clips, uncle joey's joint, tim dillon, flagrant 2

Id: 7op7mjLRm6M

Length: 63min 18sec (3798 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 11 2020

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