코난 오브라이언 세상에서 가장 웃긴 졸업축사 (다트머스 대학 졸업연설 풀버전) (한글+영어자막)

[Music] [Applause] i've been living in los angeles for two years and i've never been this cold in my life i will pay anyone here three hundred dollars for gore-tex gloves anybody i'm serious i have the cash before i begin i must point out that behind me sits a highly admired president of the united states and decorated war hero while i a cable television talk show host has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom i pray i never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with america today graduates faculty parents relatives undergraduates and old people that just come to these things good morning and congratulations to the dartmouth class of 2011. today you have achieved something special something only 92 percent of americans your age will ever know a college diploma that's right with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over eight percent of the workforce i'm talking about dropout losers like bill gates steve jobs and mark zuckerberg you incidentally speaking of mr zuckerberg only at harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room my first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair for example you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you'll be receiving this weekend that was great and dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in twilight deal with it another example that life is not fair if it does rain the powerful rich people on stage get the tent [Applause] deal with it i would like to thank president kim for inviting me here today after my phone call with president kim i decided to find out a little bit about the man he goes by president kim and dr kim to his friends he's jim kim j to the k special k jk rowling the just kidding kempster and most puzzling stinky pete [Applause] he serves as the chair of the department of global health and social medicine at harvard medical school spearheaded a task force for the world health organization on global health initiatives won a macarthur genius grant and was one of time magazine's 100 most influential people in 2006. good god man what the hell are you compensating for seriously we get it you're smart by the way dr kim you were brought to dartmouth to lee and as a world-class anthropologist you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times but i thank you for inviting me here stinky pete and it is an honor though some of you may see me as a celebrity you should know that i once sat where you sit literally late last night i snuck out here and sat in every seat i did it to prove a point i'm not bright and i have a lot of free time but this is a wonderful occasion it's great to be here in new hampshire where i am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks i can fit in the trunk of my car you know new hampshire's such a special place when i arrived i took a deep breath of this crisp new england air and thought wow i'm in this state that's next to the state where ben and jerry's ice cream is made [Applause] but don't get me wrong i take my task today very seriously when i got the call two months ago to be your speaker i decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper so late last night i began i drank two cans of red bull snorted some adderall played a few hours of call of duty and then opened my browser i think wikipedia put it best when they said dartmouth college is a private ivy league university in hanover new hampshire united states thank you and good luck [Applause] to communicate with you students today i have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns in fact just this morning i left baker berry with my trippy barry to eat a billy bob at the bema when my flitz to francesca was blitzjacked by some d-bag on his fsp yes i've done my research this college was named after the second earl of dartmouth a good friend of the third earl of uc santa cruz and the duke of the barbazon school of beauty [Applause] your school motto is vox clemantes and deserto which means voice crying out in the wilderness this is easily the most pathetic school motto i have ever heard apparently it narrowly beat out silently weeping in thick shrub and whimpering in moist sleeve without pants your school color is green and this color was chosen by frederick mather in 1867 because and this is true i looked it up quote it was the only color that had not been taken already i cannot remember hearing anything so sad dartmouth you have an inferiority complex and you should not you have graduated more great fictitious americans than any other college meredith gray of grey's anatomy pete campbell from mad men michael corleone from the godfather in fact i look forward to next year's valedictory address by your esteemed classmate count chocula of course your greatest fictitious graduate is treasury secretary timothy geithner man can you imagine if a real treasury secretary made those kinds of decisions [Applause] now i know what you're going to say dartmouth you're going to say well we've got dr seuss well guess what we're all tired of hearing about dr seuss face it the man rhymed fafluzzle with cisnoozle in a literary community that's called cheating your insecurity is so great dartmouth that you don't even think you deserve a real podium [Applause] i'm sorry what the hell is this thing it looks like you stole it from the set of survivor nova scotia seriously it looks like something a bear would use at an a.a meeting no dartmouth you must stand tall raise your heads high and feel proud because if harvard yale and princeton are your self-involved vain name-dropping older brothers you are the cool sexually confident lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest brown of course is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room and pen colombian cornell well frankly who gives a yes i've always had a special bond with this school in fact this is my second time coming here when i was 17 years old and touring colleges way back in the fall of 1980 i came to dartmouth dartmouth was a very different place back then i made the trip up from boston on a mule after asking the blacksmith in west leb for directions i came to this beautiful campus no dormitories had been built yet so i stayed with a family of fur traders in white river junction it snowed heavily during my visit and i was trapped here for four months i was forced to eat the mule who a week earlier have been forced to eat the fur traders still i love dartmouth and i vowed to return but fate dealt a heavy blow with no money i was forced to enroll in a small local commuter school a pulsating soar on a muddy elbow of the charles river i was a miserable wretch and to this day i cannot help but wonder what if i had gone to dartmouth if i had gone to dartmouth i might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today i might not be allergic to all plant life as well as most types of rock if i had gone to dartmouth right now i'd be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace-thong if i had gone to dartmouth i still wouldn't know the second verse to dear old dartmouth face it none of you do you all mumble that part if i had gone to dartmouth i'd have a liver the size and consistency of a beanbag chair finally if i had gone to dartmouth today i'd be getting an honorary degree at harvard imagine how awesome that would be [Applause] [Applause] you are a great school and you deserve a historic commencement address that's right i want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world to do this i must suggest groundbreak-breaking policy winston churchill gave his famous iron curtain speech at westminster college in 1946 jfk outlined his nuclear discernment policy at american university in 1963. today i would like to set forth my own policy here at dartmouth i call it the conan doctrine under the conan doctrine all bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees all master's degrees will be upgraded to phds and all mba students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison under the conan doctrine winter carnival will become winter carnival and be moved to rio clothing will be optional all expenses paid by the alumni association your nickname the big green will be changed to something more kick-ass like the jade blade the sea foam avenger or simply lime zilla the d plan and quarter system will finally be updated to the 1 64 system semesters will last three days students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off they must however be on campus during their sophomore fourth of july under the conan doctrine i will reinstate tube stock and i will punish those who tried to replace it with field stock rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer i happen to know that in two years they were going to downgrade field stock to desk stock seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk don't let those bastards do it and finally under the conan doctrine all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap inside references designed to get childish applause will be forced to apologize to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world dartmouth class of 2011 rules besides policy and other hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep profound advice like reach for the stars well today i'm not going to waste your time with empty cliches instead i'm going to give you real practical advice that you will need to know if you're going to survive the next few years first adult acne lasts longer than you think i almost canceled two days ago because i had a zit on my eye guys this is important you cannot iron a shirt while wearing it here's another one if you live on ramen noodles for too long you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel and finally wearing colorful converse high tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life [Applause] of course there are many parents here and i have real advice for them as well parents you should write this down many of your children you haven't seen them in four years well now you're about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working if your child majored in fine arts or philosophy you have good reason to be worried the only place they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient greece good luck with that degree the traffic today on east wheelock is going to be murder so once they start handing out diplomas you should slip out in the middle of the case and i have to tell you this you will spend more money framing your child's diploma than they will earn in the next six months it's tough out there so be patient the only people hiring right now are panera bread and mexican drug cartels yes you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there one of the reasons it's so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs trust me on this even when they promise you for five years they're going to leave and say it on television i mean you can go on youtube right now and watch the guy do it there is no guarantee they won't come back of course i'm speaking generally but enough this is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity no i came here today because believe it or not i actually do have something real to tell you 11 years ago i gave an address to a graduating class at harvard i have not spoken at a graduation since because i thought i had nothing left to say but then 2010 came and now i'm here three thousand miles from my home because i learned a hard but profound lesson last year not to share it with you in two thousand i told graduates don't be afraid to fail well now i'm here to tell you that though you should not fear failure you should do your very best to avoid it nietzsche famously said whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you disappointment stings and for driven successful people like yourselves it is disorienting what nietzsche should have said is whatever doesn't kill you makes you watch a lot of cartoon network and drink mid-price chardonnay at 11 in the morning now by definition commencement speakers at an ivy league college are considered successful but a little over a year ago i experienced a profound and very public disappointment i did not get what i wanted and i left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years i went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid it was the making of a career disaster and a terrible analogy but then something spectacular happened fog bound with no compass and adrift i started trying things i grew a strange cinnamon beard i dove in the world of social media i started tweeting my comedy i threw together a national tour i played the guitar i did stand up wore a skin tight blue leather suit recorded an album made a documentary and frightened my friends and family ultimately i abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns along with sitcoms created by a tall black man who dresses like an old black woman i did a lot of silly unconventional spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what with the exception of the blue leather suit it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life to this day i still don't understand exactly what happened but i have never had more fun been more challenged and this is important had more conviction about what i was doing how could this be true well it's simple there are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized i went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going at harvard five different guys in my class told me they would one day be president of the united states four of them were later killed in motel shootouts the other ones briefly hosted blue's clues before dying senselessly in yet another motel shootout your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. one's dream is constantly evolving rising and falling changing course this happens in every job but because i have worked in comedy for 25 years i can probably speak best about my own profession way back in the 1940s there was a very very funny man named jack benny he was a giant star easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation and a much younger man named johnny carson wanted very much to be jack benny in some way he's in some ways he was but in many ways he wasn't he emulated jack benny but his own quirks and mannerisms along with the changing medium pulled him in a different direction and yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation david letterman wanted to be johnny carson and was not and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be david letterman and none of us are my peers and i have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways but the point is this it is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique it's not easy but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention so at the age of 47 so at the age of 47 after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream that dream changed for decades in show business the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host the tonight show it was the holy grail and like many people i thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful but that is not true no specific job or career goal defines me and it should not define you in 2000 in 2000 i told graduates to not be afraid to fail and i still believe that but today i tell you that whether you fear it or not disappointment will come the beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity and with clarity comes conviction and true originality many of you here today are getting your diploma at this ivy league school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it and there is no greater cliche in a commencement address than follow your dream well i'm here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now it will probably change and that's okay four years ago many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become and i bet today most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined your roommates changed your major changed for some of you your sexual orientation changed i bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since i began this speech i know i have but through the good and especially the bad the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007. i've told you many things today most of it foolish but some of it true i'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago at the end of my final program with nbc just before signing off i said work hard be kind and amazing things will happen today receiving this honor and speaking to the dartmouth class of 2011 from behind a tree trunk i have never believed that more thank you very much and congratulations [Music] [Music] you

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Id: -Bs_DdVFPPU

Length: 24min 58sec (1498 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 15 2020