“It’s Never Too Early to Go Back to Bed” - Martha Kelly - Full Special

foreign [Music] [Applause] it's really great to be in New Orleans I am I live in Austin but I'm from California and my whole family is still out there and I miss them a lot especially my niece and nephew who are really little I'm really close to them when they were babies I saw them almost every day and those bonds really changed my life but they didn't change my decision not to have kids of my own and uh it's not because I don't think they're great I love kids and babies but there's just a big difference between loving babies and wanting to be a parent to me those two things are as different as loving roller coasters and wanting to a Kearney so just breaking the ice with the f word uh but also just um to be clear there's nothing wrong with making love to someone who works at a carnival so please don't be offended um one of the four times that I've moved from LA to Austin I drove there uh with my four cats and my dog in the car and um I rented a giant SUV and I put these big kennels in the back for the cats where I had food and water dishes and litter boxes and blankets but even with all those amenities there were a lot of angry accusations coming from the back of the car um for a couple hours and then it just got completely silent and that made me kind of nervous because I didn't know if maybe they were planning something so I just pulled over and I called the family meeting and I just um I explained to the cats like I know that this drive across country is difficult but living in Austin again is going to make life better for all of us and there is no oh in team so please uh get with it um a little bit of trivia all five of those pets are dead now and uh not it wasn't from foul play uh they got old and then sick and then you have to put them to sleep which is the heartbreaking part of having pets they don't live as long as we do but I got another dog and a kitten and like you just have to stay on on the ride you can't get off when they die you have to just keep getting more pets until you die and um but you have you do have to put them to sleep so that I mean I mean you have to kill them so they won't so they won't suffer like that's your duty and the first one that I had to do that with I was not at all emotionally prepared for it and um I hired a vet to come to the house and do it so that my cat wouldn't have to go through the stress of a car ride and an office visit so the vet came to the house and I held my cat in my arms and they gave her the shots and she went very peacefully and then the vet left and then I just sat there with my cat in my arms crying and holding her for like a half hour I just couldn't put her down and mostly I was crying from grief but there were also a few tears of Triumph because she never let me hold her like that when she was alive so [Music] kind of I kind of won that round with her um it doesn't doesn't get any easier the last of those five original pets I had to put her to sleep this past January she was 19 and I got her when she was just a couple weeks old it was a one of the cats and um and again I had a vet come to the house it was really hard I was it really hit me hard and it was at least a couple of weeks before I could even bring myself to go through her belongings but I finally did and when I was in her section of the closet I found um a letter with my name on it so I'm just gonna read it really quickly um if I can unfold it um excuse me okay um dear Martha if you found this it means that I've passed away I'm sure you're very sad about it but I want you to know that I had a good life with you and if I could have I would have lived with you forever please take comfort in the fact that I'm no longer suffering and know that if there is an afterlife I will try to find you there in regards to settling my Affairs here on Earth there is one situation I got into that will require your attention the other day I overheard you speaking to a vet on the phone about in-home euthanasia and I misunderstood the nature of that call while I knew I was on the decline I thought for a moment that you were making plans to kill the dog as sort of a Make-A-Wish Foundation gift to me so I rented a party bus with your credit card despite leaving you in a bit of a pickle I hope you will remember me fondly I know I wasn't a perfect cat but I loved you with all my heart in light of that fact please do me the favor of honoring my dying wish I know you plan to have me cremated so when you get my ashes back if it's not too much trouble could you please throw them in the dog's face well I don't know if I'll honor that obviously I love animals a lot and I recently become a vegetarian and also kind of an animal activist I'm not in Peta but I have watched Blackfish a bunch of times and I bring it up at the drop of a hat and if you haven't seen it it's a documentary about this killer whale that was captured from the wild when he was a baby and he's lived in captivity his whole life and he's killed three people and the last one was his trainer and he's not the only killer whale in captivity that has attacked trainers there's another one that killed the trainer and then there's a bunch of them that have attacked and injured trainers and sea world has been around for over 50 years now I just feel like it should be really obvious at this point that we need to stop encouraging these whales to pursue careers in show business because they are super unprofessional and they should oh well thanks guys I was kind of nervous about taking a drink of water as Alfredo's gonna accidentally throw it in my face but um little a little high energy um sorry um I also one of my other radical ideas about animal rights is I don't think that we should ride horses anymore I feel like they really hate it um they have to hate it because if they didn't then how come we never see horses giving rides to other animals in the wild it seems like something they would do it would be super cute um the uh speaking of the Wild West not really but just in lieu of a Segway um the first time that I moved to Austin Texas was in the year 2000 and I moved there and hit the ground running and I went out drinking and smoking every single night for a year straight and it was really fun for a while but after a few months I started to feel a little bit weird because before I moved to Austin I had kind of imagined myself becoming a new person once I lived there it just had never occurred to me that that person might be Nick Nolte please plus his heart um I quit drinking in December of 2003 and um I like being well let's not get carried away um it's fun like I'm glad I actually I like being sober I'm used to it now but in the beginning I did not like it it was really hard and for a while I just hated it and then after a few months I realized that since I was no longer spending every night getting drunk and then every day recovering from the hangovers I had time and energy for Stuff I'd never done before like crying and cussing at strangers so it's fun I I have a twin sister and she's a writer and she got a book published and she's a great writer I'm really proud of her for getting her book published I can't read it because it's a memoir about when she worked in the s m industry and I just can't I can't read it uh I don't mean to be judgmental about it like it's just that we're really different like I would never ever write a book about my sex capades partly because I'm really private about that stuff but also because none of the sucks I've had really qualifies as skip AIDS so can't really do it um I always wanted to know what it feels like to be one of those super organized people and so a couple weeks ago I cleaned my whole apartment and I put all my stuff in boxes and that felt kind of interesting so then I went and got a label maker and I put labels on each of the boxes according to what was inside and so now I just have this box of razor blades that says Plan B on it so that's not it's kind of too much ma'am ma'am or sir um I am the other night I was in the middle of a freestyle TV watching jam session and uh I came across my favorite show which is an infomercial for a product called the total trolley and it's a great product it's a ladder that when you put it on its side Wheels pop out and you can push furniture on I'm not really sure what it does but the reason I love that infomercial is because of the customer testimonials because they're all really heartfelt and the best one is this guy who looks straight into the camera and says we use the total trolley so much at our house that we've started to think of it as a member of our family to be honest I kind of fell in love with him when I saw that and wanted kind of want to marry him because I feel like what an open heart that you will accept literally anything into your family um but also I just would love to get to go to their family reunions so I could meet Uncle total trolley and uh maybe his wife Swiffer mop would come that's dumb um I used to work in offices a lot and the last job I had I got through a temp agency they called me on a Friday and said they had an assignment for me starting the following Monday and it had been a while since I worked in an office so I thought I should probably do something over the weekend to prepare to get back into all the typing and filing and phone answering and whatnot so what I did is I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool and then right when I was about to suffocate he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break and then hello very very sweet you might be overreacting uh um at that job for one project their whole the building the whole basement was just file cabinets so for one project they had me go down there and I filed every day all day for two weeks straight and at the end of that two weeks it finally occurred to me I'd probably be better off if I just went ahead and joined a cult because at least in a cult when they suck the life force out of you they throw in some group sex and a weird haircut and that's kind of fun there was a period of time between odd jobs and starting to make a living with um stand up where I thought about changing careers and maybe becoming a motivational speaker and I had this idea for a seminar that I could give called the encounters with depression power weekend and there were going to be three classes in it the first one is called potato chips Friend or Foe um the second one was going outside and other Tales of Courage and then the last one was called sleeping it off it's never too early to go back to bed so well thanks guys um you might not be able to tell because I'm up on an elevated stage but I'm actually quite short and I don't mind being short it's not a problem most of the time there's one thing that is a problem which is there's a segment of the population that believes that short adults remain childlike in that we enjoy the sensation of being lifted off our feet and um I feel totally comfortable speaking for every short person in the world than saying we don't like that at all we don't like being picked up don't do not pick up a fellow adult no matter how short they are it's really uncomfortable um it's never like the movies where you're like we it's always like you're they almost drop you um and then like your shirt pulls up in the back um it's really it's actually traumatic um when I remember it there's one exception to that rule there's one time where I think it's okay with short people if you pick them up and that's this is how that scenario goes you see someone coming towards you with the intention to pick you up and it's usually a guy and it's almost always someone who's had a few drinks and you put your hand out you're like stop don't do it I don't want you to pick me up do not do that and he ignores you and comes in and picks you up anyway and then grunts in pain because you're heavier than he expected you to be and it ends with a trip to urgent care then it's totally fine to pick up a short person otherwise don't do it I grew up outside of Los Angeles and lived in the city for a while when I was a young adult and I found it to be kind of a scary place there's just so many people one scary thing that happened to me is I was at a stoplight and I used to have an old 71 Volkswagen bug and they don't have air conditioning because I always had my windows rolled down and I was at the stoplight and a guy in a car next to me started talking to me and at first he was talking to me about the car which I didn't think was a big deal because some people are into Old bugs but um when the light changed I was really relieved and I tried to speed away but in a Volkswagen bug it's a little difficult to speed away so he caught up to me at the next light and he started talking again and finally he goes hey why don't you give me your phone number and we could go out for coffee sometime and then I thought about it and was like um how about I'll just meet you naked at a shallow grave and you can push me in that's clearly where we're headed and we don't need to bring coffee and do it um that's what's happening um I haven't seen the new Star Wars movie yet I heard it's great and I plan to see it I like the Star Wars franchise but I'm a little bummed that there aren't female Jedi I don't really understand that like if being a Jedi were about physical strength then I would understand why it's mostly men because most men are physically stronger than most women but Yoda is a Jedi and he's a crippled puppet so clearly it's not about strength um I um I was in a minor car accident not too long ago it was during rush hour so luckily we weren't going very fast and this lady rear-ended me and we both pulled over and I got out of my car and she didn't get out of her she just leaned out of her SUV and said you're okay right and I said yeah I'm okay and then she started to get back just close the door like she was gonna drive away which kind of made me mad so I yelled at her and was like what are you doing and she leaned back out and said what's your problem and I said while you ran into me aren't you at least gonna apologize and she said well I didn't do it on purpose that's why they call it an accident and then I was kind of flabbergasted and I was like I know I know what accident Means A and B still when people accidentally run into each other a lot of times they go hey I'm sorry I hit you and then she goes well if you recall the first words out of my mouth were are you okay and then I said I do recall your first words ma'am and I also have a prediction for what your last words might be which is help I'm being choked and I kind of asked for it um hey that's um for me guys thank you so much I really appreciate it thank you [Music] ladies and gentlemen Martha Kelly [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 127,004

Keywords: “It’s Never Too Early to Go Back to Bed” - Martha Kelly - Full Special, Martha Kelly, The Half Hour, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, Martha Kelly comedian, Martha Kelly comedy, Martha Kelly stand up, comedy, comedians, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, martha kelly, Martha Kelly euphoria, martha kelly euphoria, martha kelly stand up special, martha kelly special

Id: w1k48QoDJUI

Length: 21min 2sec (1262 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 21 2023