You CAN Outsmart The Narcissist

[Music] [Applause] [Music] hello my name is Michelle and you're watching from surviving to thriving a channel that's dedicated to enlightening encouraging and assisting those on their journey to heal we all have to take that journey but we don't have to do it alone so today I wanted to talk about how you can outsmart the narcissist now before I get into that keep in mind if your goal to outsmart the narcissist is to make them feel what you have felt if your goal is to make them suffer the emotional pain that you have suffered you will fail because a narcissist does not feel the same way we feel they don't care about relationships the way we do so that if that's your goal push that aside so then what do I mean by outsmarting the narcissist well if you've ever played chess and chess with something I played all the time when I was younger you don't see it as much today but in a game of chess when it starts out both opponents are playing pieces are being moved and there's no real action in the beginning but eventually there's a change in the game where one person winds up being the offensive player and the other person automatically takes the the way of defense for example the person playing offensively is strategically placing all of their pieces so that you're running around the board defending your king you're constantly in checkmate you're constantly trying to protect your side of the game well a narcissist operates like that they're offensive players they are always attacking and maneuvering situations conversations so that you are on the defense 24/7 it's like you're in a custom state of emotional checkmate where your you have to defend yourself in fact you're scurrying around defensively so much that you don't even have any down time to contemplate what the best moves would be for you because you're constantly on the defense and that's what the narcissist wants that's where they want to keep you because you're unable to see things clearly because you're in this constant state of defense so how do you change that so that you are no longer in that state of mind in that sense you change your game from a defensive state to an offensive state and it changes the dynamics in the relationship it changes how you feel in the relationship that is a changing point in the relationship where you you start to get your power back well I'm going to tell you how to do that the narcissist every single thing they say and do with you everything every little conversation has a point they're not just conversing with you to converse every single day every single thing they do or say is to create some kind of feeling or reaction in you I'm going to give you a tiny example with my ex and help you to see how I would forget that when I was in the relationship so every now and then he would start talking to me about someone narcissists are awesome gossipers they love to talk about people and subtly kind of raise themselves above the person so that you look at that person in a negative light so he would do that sometimes and I remember thinking when he was doing this let's say he was talking about a certain person a certain woman that we knew in common and he would be talking negatively about how she treats her husband he would say things like you know poor so-and-so because she does this and I don't understand why she's like that and you know I wish she was more like is because he's a good guy blah blah blah and I'm here thinking wow he's sharing something with me we're actually having a normal conversation of course it's not that it's good to talk about people but I'm thinking he's confiding his feelings in me wrong right as I'm listening and just kind of thinking well you know he's sharing himself with me at that moment he would suddenly say something like and you're just like her and all of a sudden I would be taken by surprise because I'm thinking we're having a normal conversation and not realizing that every conversation the narcissist has with you is to put you in that checkmate state of mind where you have to go on the defense if throws you off emotionally it's an awful place to be when you're living your life constantly like that so I have to realize that that's what they do they are every single conversation no matter how insignificant it's made to get you to think or feel something negatively about you here are a couple of examples of how you can combat that without feeling like you're scurrying around defending yourself all the time how you can get your power back and actually turn it so that the narcissist is the one that has to be on the defense as opposed to you so a couple of common things that the narcissist does frequent things I should say is the narcissist often speaks negatively about your family it's just their way of trying to make you feel like crap just their way of trying to remind you it's also their way of keeping you isolated and feeling negative about yourself and defending your family so you're always in that defensive mode well if the narcissist says something negative about your family I've often said observe without absorbing and saying one sentence such as well that's your opinion you're entitled to your opinion that helps you to combat the attack but you can take it one step further if you want to change your game to be more offensively and if you want the narcissist to be the one that's on the defense there's something the narcissist hates and that's to see their own negative emotions that's why they're always pouring it into us that's why they're accusing us of all kinds of things because they see it in themselves they hate to see those things in themselves so they put it in us after so after you state well that's an interesting you know point of view or that's your opinion they if they seem like they're continuing now you're going to move to the offensive state and you're going to show them their emotions something they do they live there like trying not to see you're going to state their feelings you seem angry you seem really upset and they're going to deny that they're angry and they're going to be angry that you took that mirror that they're constantly putting in your face and you turned it around so that they had to look at themselves there were times when I did that where my ex what has feigned bulging in his forehead and yet be denying that he was angry it was the craziest thing so you change it oh you look really angry there's something bothering you is there something frustrating you you seem really tense and stressed the narcissus needs to be anything but poised been perfect at least the covert narcissist is like that so you turned that on them so they're actually forced to see their reactions be where this is going to create narcissistic rage and that's when you just stay quiet and you say well you know I'm going to go looks like you're upset I'm going to go clean the whatever clean the bedroom and take a shower I'm going to go pick up the kids whatever you have to do and you remove yourself from the situation that's one way another example let's say you had a list of ten things that you have to do today and you did nine of them the narcissist will come home and find that one thing that you didn't do and will harp on it and make you feel like crap forget the nine things you did they will completely overlook dismiss the little that logic and they'll focus on that one thing so what do you do once again instead of going into defense let's imagine you have a handheld mirror in you and you're going to flip it around and you'll say to the narcissist it's really hard for you to be positive isn't it or say nice things isn't really part of your personality is it and you say it calmly this is the key to when you do this you shouldn't be angry frustrated vengeful resentful you say it calmly and happily it's really hard for you to be positive it's really hard for you to find the good in others isn't it and you just that one time do not fall into the the the desire of the narcissist to draw you into a drama battle resist the urge to say anything else with that you flip the mirror so the narcissist is now looking at themselves any time the narcissist says something critical or rude abusive instead of defending yourself state their feelings you'd say something like wow you really like to say abusive things don't you you really enjoy being angry don't you or you seem to hate happiness sad things like that that will help you to outsmart the narcissist how well you're recognizing their tactics their tactics are to constantly put you on the defense and you're making the narcissist have to defend their actions a narcissist has an inability to look at themselves in the mirror and not physically obviously but emotionally to recognize and in suffrage left so you're kind of forcing them to do that once again by doing that you feel more in control of yourself you're not falling for what they wanted you to do they wanted you to be emotionally upset I feel like the rug is taken out of you feel attacked and you're changing that around so it's a very powerful thing to do keep in mind the narcissus is not used to you being this way they're going to notice the change they're going to test you and they will have that narcissistic rage because you are creating and the narcissistic injury by having them have to look at themselves so our goal in outsmarting the narcissist isn't necessarily to make them feel what we have felt to suffer the same emotional pain that we have suffered because they never will our goal and outsmarting the nurses is just like a game of chess you want that other person that's offensively playing to think that you're on the defense and they're so focused on attacking you that they don't realize that they've exposed their own weaknesses in the game and they are now vulnerable to an attack from you and that's what you want to do emotionally you want to be able to do that why is it about winning is it about being better no it's about taking control of your life back it's about no longer falling for their attacks that caused you so much emotional stress and anxiety it's about being able to be calm even in difficult situations and it's about exposing the truth the truth is that if a nurse assists comes and tells you that one thing that they that you didn't do and they focus on that they aren't positive people they want you to think of as all you you have to defend yourself the truth is that's really an unkind thing to do or say so recognizing the wrong behavior on the person that's trying to make you think that you're the one with the wrong behavior recognizing it pointing it out it's really powerful saying it in a calm way no anger when I did this my ex kind of came apart of the scenes I didn't realize the crazy thing is all those years I was holding him together by carrying his pathology in me by allowing him to make me think that all these emotions and accusations that he accused me of that they really were me so my whole my whole effort was about trying to prove that that wasn't me and I didn't realize till the end that all I had to do was show him by stating the truth calmly I didn't realize that that's what I needed to do and in my case this helped me because the more apart he came at the seams the more convinced I was that he had a huge problem and the easier it was for me to leave because when you've been in trauma bonding for a long time and you've been gaslighted and you you're so confused as to what is the right decision to make and what is the wrong decision and the thought of leaving is hard because you've been kind of crippled emotionally to thinking you can't or it's your fault that it's not working out so when you start taking that control back by outsmarting the narcissist by recognizing that their moves are always offensively to attack and you counter-attack by showing them that as opposed to defending yourself they come apart at the scene and you get to see who they really are now it's it's a difficult time and I'll tell you why because when once I stopped accepting his anger as being mine for example if he was insulting me all this anger that he'd pour into me because supposedly I did something wrong I would accept that and think that I had to try harder once I stopped doing that and put it back on him and by saying things like you know you're really angry why are you so angry I feel bad that your your so a good you should be careful you know you can have a heart attack like that just very calmly like that his anger intensified so if you're in a relationship where the person is physically abusive be be careful with this I wouldn't recommend this but recommend just you know finding an escape plan but if the person is not physically abusive recognize that when you start exposing and showing them that the real problem really is them in this controlled and strategic way it really makes their narcissistic rage abundant I remember towards the end he would he really lost it and the interesting thing is is when you're at that point you recognize that what the narcissist is actually accusing you of the insults that they accuse you of are things they feel about themselves if you ever want to know what a nurse's thinks about themselves pay attention to what they say to you because they're simply projecting and he was screaming at me and saying I'll never forget this he's screaming and saying when I married you I thought you were one kind of person and and now I realized what an awful person you are and I'm stuck with you now at that point I knew that my ex anything a narcissist says they're really projecting how they feel about themselves and I saw that he was seeing that I was stuck with him I had been stuck with him that I thought I was going to marry something that false image that he presented me and I didn't and I wound up getting stuck as I'm looking at him and he's saying that he could see because the narcissist is very in tune with another person's emotions not because they care but because they've learned to read people in order to manipulate them he could see that I saw that I could see it in his face and it I didn't say anything I was I was just observing and he just kept on falling apart and that was maybe a month before I left he had gotten to that point but the reason this helped me and was so important for me is because it solidified my conviction that leaving was the healthiest thing for me and the children and that's why it's useful that's why it's important to learn these techniques is not about hurting the narcissist it's about gaining straight inner strength and conviction that your gut that's telling you this is wrong this is there's definite something wrong with the relationship is correct and then you gain that strength to remove yourself from a toxic situation so you can outsmart the narcissist by recognizing their tactics to attack and you can learn to counter-attack in a controlled and calm and peaceful way

Channel: Michele Lee Nieves Coaching

Views: 692,844

Rating: 4.8623734 out of 5

Keywords: revenge on narcissist, outsmart narcissist, discarding narcissist, why difficult to leave narcissist, sex with sociopath, dating narcissist, spotting narcissist, married to narcissist, female narcissist, women who hate daughters, jealous mothers, subtle forms of emotional abuse, am i being abused, why narcissist hates, enmeshed with narcissist, extention of narcissist, pathological liars, winning custody against narcissist, personality disorders

Id: Es2kjU9hlcM

Length: 18min 41sec (1121 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 12 2017