WTF?! Marc Maron Joins Our Cult | Ep 70 | Trash Tuesday w/ Annie & Esther & Khalyla

better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours our listeners get 10 off the first month at betterhelp.com trash tuesday our show is sponsored by helix mattresses which we are obsessed with i am a very particular sleeper i run hot and i only sleep on my side so helix mattress has the specific type of mattress for someone like me and helix is offering up to 200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com trash tuesday you guys manskit has these really soft buttery boxers that i am absolutely obsessed with they are super breathable and i want your balls to breathe this summer this is essential to life you guys go get these boxers they're made from micro modal fabric and they are so so soft i'm obsessed with them and you guys can get 20 off plus free shipping with our code trash manscaped.com that's 20 off plus free shipping with our code trash manscaped.com hello sluggies boy sluggies girl sluggies mama sluggies grandma sluggies i've met you i see what you're up to i want to meet more of you i love you it's been amazing come see me on the road i will be next in west niagara new york this very weekend i can't wait that's the 24th through the 25th please come to that please enjoy my new merch um the tickets were a lot uh then i'm taking july off you can then see me after that in austin texas springfield missouri pittsburgh improv tempe arizona colusa california kansas city missouri irvine california michigan i got a whole bunch of other dates i rescheduled the ones i missed just go to andyletterman.com joe's i am uh also doing stand-up less so this summer but esteronice.com for tickets i think we've got dc and austin see you guys is this a sex cult the swim club i know that not that i knew of mark i want to ask you something so we're all beautiful what's up mark how are you good thanks for coming you're welcome look at everybody in the daytime i feel like i'm the only one who didn't nail the shoe game i feel like you did shaved though i hardly probably the only one yeah maron you have like no hair on your legs what's up with that i'm not that hairy what happened to your knee that was uh yeah yeah what happened was cleaning my no i wasn't sucking dick i was cleaning do you live in the same place uh i live in glendale i don't know which place you went to okay yeah i think you went you were at the old place it was nice esther see my new place yeah nicer much nicer yeah wow you were in the little old place with the cave white garage there was a garage but it didn't seem like a little place it was a pretty beautiful nice it's a cute place right but it's up on the hill yeah no i got a new house cool and i was cleaning the porch on my hands and knees and i scraped my knees wow what a man i love that love you have the paper towel for him what do you have the tape to roll for him oh get it ready what tape from our last from our episode are we sure we want to do this it's embarrassing it'll be funny it'll embarrass everyone here it's embarrassing to me you'll like it oh you might be embarrassed though and annie said i'm supposed to be wearing the flower i don't really know dude that's so good i was just trying to do something i think this was a good i think well kalylah i walked in and she's like esther this looks it this look fits you so well and i was like oh it's a compliment and then she's like you look like jesus and i'm like that's not a cop no actually you do know jesus trio you look just like him no you do look like you would be in a cult 100 because i'm so ready willing they would kick your ass out so fast they would be like you're so annoying she'd be complaining how cold it was and stuff oh no she'd probably be wouldn't you eventually just start caring about everybody yeah i think so i need your headphones for this yes do i want my headphones is this a game are we playing something no they just mentioned you in a past episode a couple weeks ago and they want to shoot and annie wants to hear that it's gonna be embarrassing for everyone i can't honestly maybe they're my second is controversial next to bobby okay and um i just find him to be i i have this is not controversial rooting kind of like a [ __ ] this life [ __ ] everyone and that's mark mary honestly maybe there's a hair situation i don't know what it is then i start talking about something and mark okay we love him okay lynn his dearly dream you're talking about your dead girlfriend okay it's okay it's okay absolutely unbelievable just everything we used to talk in the green room like why is he getting like hot he's so mad why is he hotter there was this one episode he did uh i wouldn't actually did it ratakowski oh yeah is that when lynn died she just passed away immediately yeah when she saw it out of chicago oh i know yeah that was the joe swanberg show right yeah i did i did one episode every three you know for three seasons it was an anthology show but the ratakowski was that was crazy when they did they cast her first i don't know like i actually didn't even know who she was because i'm an idiot and swanberg's like you're gonna like this episode i'm like because emily rodakowski's in i'm like i gotta look her up and i was like okay but i didn't know what that meant uh and then it was just one of those weird kind of uh you know what what did we do that conversation you have with somebody before you do a scene like that you got to be pretty specific what kind of well esther the guy didn't he like didn't he like call out sick when he had to she does a bit about that don't you do it no i figured yeah right from the headlines that is true that when i had a intimate scene the my part my scene partner was unavailable suddenly but you know let's go back to mark's story i've done a couple of those but with emily it was you just kind of talk it out and yeah i couldn't believe it was happening she's pretty stunning yeah yeah she's like the prettiest woman around i'm probably around i would say yeah what was the conversation like because i i imagine you have to be very careful of making her feel comfortable but also right like well i mean i think most productions have like an intimacy person now yeah um but that was not that one i thought they put him in jail wasn't that harvey weinstein no like like somebody who makes every sure everything's okay an intimacy coordinator they needed to make an intimacy course we had one on doll face i never took their calls i was like i got this what are the parameters like what are the guidelines i think it's a negotiation or it's a conversation that needs to be facilitated between the two people and then they they have to feel safe but i mean with emily and i was sort of like what do you want to do because it wasn't full-on nudity but it was sort of like can i you know kind of touch your boobs are we kissing wait have you ever done anything that's not one syllable glow marin easy marin is two cylinders there's one word one word so one word you can change it well i forgot what a syllable was also why would syllable be two that's true we're learning syllables next on next week's episode thank you did i really teach bobby how to read a clock you really did that's crazy you know that bobby didn't know how to read time online with regular i can relate to that i don't know why you guys are laughing and shaming the special the same reason that you didn't know what syllables were i know i'm sorry did you skip elementary school though i did i did but i was smoking cigarettes in the bathroom but are you similar to bobby where it's like if you didn't catch it the first time you're just gonna double down and say [ __ ] it i'm never gonna learn it or do you continue to try because with bobby it was more like ah well you know digital watches are available so i'm you know at 13 he then decided that [ __ ] it i'm just never going to be that guy who reads and that gave him a major breakthrough that guy you really did there's like a shame level but i feel like bobby like i feel like you may have shamed him in the situation maybe bobby liked the shame i remember learning things like like the clock hands and stuff and it was the whole school and then they would go all right it's your turn what time is it and the panic of like being accumulated in front of the class i didn't like that i feel like bobby would have like maybe gotten a boner or something oh um with the shame yeah i don't think i shamed him i was just sort of like come on yeah i guess that's shame come on stupid it's your language that's your love language oh my god wait maybe you could teach me how to swim with those tactics that takes patience and you gotta really you know it's a there's um yeah i can't believe you don't notice i want to throw you in like a baby you know they thought babies can swim you know that right you can start with a board you know are you afraid to get in the water are you do you freak out i'm a little nervous she's afraid her pubes will get caught in the bottom if i can't touch how's that gonna happen so long did you flash me yesterday oh it's just it's a grooming issue okay well it's on both ends she hasn't groomed herself i love you i thought i think esther's been grooming both of us this whole time yeah you are the teal swan do you not know who she is can you pull her up carlos there's a documentary about this woman on free form and she said that mockingly because the only other thing we've ever seen on freeborn was esther's show thank you but um she has this massive following i do think some of the things that she says is pretty enlightening but i think her people are freaked out by the fact that she would fit the uh the you know usual description of a cult leader and what's so wrong about that i know all right listen every cult documentary i watch about the two episodes and i'm like this is a good cult and then you get to the third one and something gets a little rough but the not and the inauguration of it but how like indoctrination desperate and gullible do you have to be to really lock into that [ __ ] i mean like that much i don't know man if i go if like within three or four days if it's really not sticking with me i'll be like this [ __ ] yeah like someone's got to be really good they've got to have like major mental problems you know to get through to me has anyone ever yeah i wonder if you're like cause you know doug stand up surrounded by just like absolutely insane people but that's like his happy place yeah well he likes that yeah exactly but do you think that um that you could ever be gotten by or have you ever been gotten by a psychic like is that anyone giving you like uh well i have to i have to because my boundaries are so shitty i have to actively kind of push back on that [ __ ] yeah because yeah i want to believe it you know i i wouldn't got a booster today but there was part of me my second booster but there was part of me that sort of like i don't need it like i have it like they're like i will get suckered in to aggravated belief systems yeah but and i have to literally say dude you know because it feels good it feels good to like yeah i want to believe the psychic yeah one guy i went to uh oh i think it kind of ended when i was driving i went to school in boston and we were driving down to new york and we stopped in bridgeport and there was a pt barnum museum in bridgeport this creepy place it's a circus museum yeah and the guy who worked there had one eye and i wonder if he did that to get the job probably but anyway so he like i'm walking out and he says i'm a psychic and he grabs my hand and he looks at me you're gonna get into a bad accident oh i hate that when they do a negative one it's like what the [ __ ] that was but that was like the only thing he said so for like a decade no it isn't that long i had a neighbor i had a neighbor who was a a psychic she was really and she would say things all the time like when i really started to realize it was crazy it wasn't she i i needed to like fact something and she was like don't walk to the fedex whatever you do don't walk to the fedex place i'm like it's two blocks are some things and she goes i don't know she goes no use this app no she wanted to control me with her psychic powers like she wanted me to think and i had an app it required a nap that doesn't seem psychic before you could like where you could back stuff she's like just do it from here and i was like no [ __ ] i want to she's like use my coupon code like i was gonna get killed yeah she was a [ __ ] she sounds like she just sounds like my mom my mom was the biggest fear monger of all like the first time i ever decided okay like i'm 20 years old 21 i'm gonna go to a club she's it's gonna burn down have you not heard about that club in brazil like always she like pulls and extracts every bad tragedy and she uses it as an example for why i shouldn't step out the door she's she uh transfers her fear onto you all of it i like flying everything my mom when carlos and i drove from skokie to gigs in indianapolis she was like be careful of fire crashes we're like we've never heard of that what is that i don't meteor i think it's when a car hits another car and they explode yeah really i guess like she saw it in a movie i think with parents they need to like she saw the movie crash it with parents they i think they should have like a tiny bit of that because if they don't have that it's almost like fair but not too much well my um my best friend who was the least afraid totally type a adrenaline junkie type of girl when she had a kid after she had her first born she's like something changed i am the most terrified person in the world yeah it's a constant worry and um yeah she she is afraid for her child or anything that may go and maybe you gotta be careful with that my parents are like that i think they mistook worrying and panic for love and then you're just sort of an extension of their fear and it becomes a real nightmare yeah it sounds like her youtube my exact same well that's why i can't do the you know the sidekick or anything i've got to like just not do it because i want to believe who doesn't want to [ __ ] believe if you think like especially if you're missing a chunk of your sense of self you know if somebody's willing to provide you guidance of any kind you're like no that sounds pretty always yeah you're like in a low place when you go to a psychic like you're like liminal space you're always in an in between how are they not just like what are they fronts for you you can tell me all these like weird little psychics and in their little houses are like doing amazing business why do they always look like that like if i were a psychologist i would change like like a brand rebrand like this sure well we're in the outfits that's true i we were recently at whitney's house and she had like a random girl there who did like a reading for us whitney always has a random girl doesn't she have many are there always all kinds of rando's there doing something is that a cult just a guy putting a light in what's that guys but like i she's still starting to call trying to i relate to what you're saying like about wanting to believe because i definitely don't believe in any of that stuff but when they're reading it and telling you about you i literally get tingles like it feels good when they're looking at those cards they're like okay here we go that was the girl she hired to finger you while you were getting the reading who did she hire to finger you esther i know she didn't even you were invited i was invited but i am a hermit mark you are yeah i i don't go out much why um outside of the water i generally just like hate people in the world yeah she likes the fish but she also kills them it's right i do kill fish but it's weird in l.a what are you gonna do though like during the day like i spend my day i go to supermarkets then i cook things and then i'll just wander places to get one thing but you want your place let's see yeah that's the difference you actually step out like after this i might go get a squash where esther i know we're like literally have the same blood yeah like me and esther i don't want to point out the obvious yeah i think but yeah [Laughter] we know it rhymes with hoodaism [Laughter] i know like when we're on the road together i do just feel like we're family like in some way there's a familial cause he's not trying to bang you like every other comic we need one comic to hit on you that's gotta happen do they still no not on comics no do they still well she says they've never no well a few she dated there was just a famous incident on our show where a comic hit on both of them and didn't hit on me and so yeah i'm now how'd that go for that guy not well things are finally simmering down we think oh my god we haven't gotten a true lawsuit we're not going to court so that's a good thing that's good so no going outside no like i go outside a lot for like nature stuff like hiking and where do you hike everywhere yeah yeah do you ever go over there by in glendale at the brand library i've been to that one that's where i go like two three times a week up that thing i like that one i go everywhere i go to malibu i go that's a whole day not really there's no time you leave know people always ask me when because if they don't live there like you go to the beach like never never it's like a [ __ ] i got to bring a tent you guys are the same people why a tent it's so far away no i mean it's just like it's a joke i mean like i got a camp because it's going to take me a day to get oh i thought it was a sun exposure no no no no no it's like it's such a big commitment to get to well esther's like where would the food be where it is you need it to be like a field trip where there's a teacher with you that has like snacks cooler stuff like that yeah who's got the cooler yes is there cold cuts it's a field trip yeah yeah it's like a whole thing i need a permission slip i live near the beach and never go but when i go other places where there's a beach i enjoy the beach i was like the beach is great i gotta when i go home i gotta check this out i like the beach pretty good but i don't love it some people love it i go to hawaii sometimes kawaii kawaii is great right we went to oahu together in it why did you bring up hawaii we barely came back friends really barely the three of you went to travel yeah it was our first travel and you did it for the show yeah yeah there was a did the numbers go bigger no annie left early let's just say you know but in a funny way i irish could buy the whole trip what does that mean instead of just taking a plane back from kauai to the maynard which boyfriend was this the skateboarder the one now no no that was a rollerblader my asian okay um i met this guy yeah he's a nice guy he's a good one but we instead of just going back to oahu we flew all the way home yeah and then we just sent a picture from home and we knew that esther would be very jealous because an esther move yeah you didn't like it there it was raining the whole time it was a pretty rainy trip i just i like going places but i really like going home so the fact that she beat me to it i was like that should have been my movie we thought you were gonna be on the plane like maybe you should just you know go places like drive and just decide when to turn around for the good part that would be fun [Music] now a word from our sponsor better help you know i really did not do anything with my life until i got my mental health in order i thought you're gonna say until you met me [Laughter] like i just prioritizing mental health is so important you pretty much can't be your full self and reach your full potential unless you're putting that first and if you you kind of need to do maintenance ahead of time too because you'll get burnt out but you don't realize your burnout until it's too late and you're screaming yeah at a cashier at the apple store well it's really burnout is so sneaky and i think that it compromises your role in all parts of your life as a parent as a friend as a partner to yourself yeah that's why we're so excited to be talking today about better help which is online therapy that reminds you to prioritize yourself better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours and you don't have to drive and park and add in more stressful things you can do this all from the comfort and safety of your own home your own bed your own car if you live with your parents at times and our listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com trash tuesday that's better h-e-l-p dot com slash trash tuesday this isn't an exaggeration every room in my house has the helix mattress even the bathroom even the bathroom and you guys every birthday ever my mom's birthday sis everyone in my family has a helix mattress i i love it so much i've gifted it to everyone in my life listen we spend a lot of time on our backs as humans as women truthfully i love that they have a sleep quiz so they're actually taking your information asking you the right questions and then prescribing you the right mattress for you and ever since we got ours i feel like i just it it works for both of us which is nice we love it are you guys starfish so are we find the right helix for your i'm a side sleeper so i run really hot and i sleep on my side so i was matched with the midnight mattress but on top of that you have the option to upgrade to the luxe version of that which is such a dream cloud to sleep on listen i myself sleep face down ass up so it's really nice it's very easy on the neck very nice in the knees i just think it makes sense to use a mattress from somewhere where they have different options like it's not a one size fits all it's like it's actually tailored to your body your needs and that to me is why i choose helix and like you said like for friends and family it comes right to your door you just unbox it it does all of the work by itself and helix is offering up to 200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helix sleep.com trash tuesday not only is helix the bomb but they have a 10 year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk free they'll even pack it up for you if you don't love it but you will visit helixleep.com trash tuesday to get up to two hundred dollars off your helix mattress plus two free pillows [Music] i have a brother you have a brother of course i have a brother of course younger or older i'm sorry you have such a only child vibe i mean really yeah my brother thinks that too how was your brother how much you're younger he's younger than you two and a half years younger wow you're the older he's a good kid he's a searcher my brother turned out to be the guy that he was very i remember he was he was a tennis pro for years like that was his thing no but he was also very huggy and was always looking for like that yeah he's uh you know and he talks he's he's all right he landed on his feet he's doing good yeah but he's a tennis guy like my whole life he went to nick boleteri's tennis institute and he was trying to be a professional and all through college he played and then he opened a tennis school and now i i'm not even clear what his job is but he's working and he's got a nice girlfriend is that how your family feels about your job no my family's okay with my job do they listen to your podcast yet my dad figured out how but i think it was his wife who figured out how because my dad's in the beginning stages of dementia and i think she just likes to sit him somewhere but he never listened to it i swore 1300 episodes he had no idea had no idea how to do it and i've been on for a decade yeah and he had never listened it's like how do you do it i'm like you just put the website up and you hit the play button but he couldn't do it and now like she's they're they're listening so he's sitting there listening i don't know if he remembers though it's a sad time to begin with he can play he can play the same episodes over and over again well maybe he'll remember me longer than yeah the rest of the or maybe he won't know you as a son but somebody actually admires that's right exactly you got a good shot yeah no he actually admires me that's the weird thing it's like you know especially when you have a a weird i have a it's always been kind of a competitive relationship but at some point with your dad really at some point it gave way and he realized like he couldn't really [ __ ] with me anymore i know nothing about this uh yeah like what were your parents like how do they how how does one create a market wow this is her just saying i've never listened to your podcast she doesn't know anything about your parents i know a lot about those parents oh my my mother was my my mother was like 22 when she had me and my dad was like 25 and he was you know my dad was a surgeon oh my god carlos carlos's parents also had him at that age and his dad's a surgeon what kind of surgeon cancer general cancer cancer women yeah a woman cancer yeah surgeon that's what i call it yeah i don't really know the official name so he's uh uh okay my dad was orthopedic just saws and and hammers cool yeah no not rarely life threatening that's crazy to want to do it takes a particular type of personality to have that exactness to be an orthopedic surgeon yeah it takes an incredibly kind of mega maniacal narcissistic exactly because as dr drew says like you know assets and liabilities you want your fighter jet pilot to be a narcissist honestly i would want my orthopedic surgeon to be equally as narcissistic may not want your dad to be not the dad yeah i don't know but they did something right i mean after a certain point you kind of you know take what you got and you you realize like there are some good things and yeah the i wasn't brought up in want of anything and that covers a lot i feel like um i've been thinking about this a lot like because my dad is 81 80 i think you met my parents oh he's only a couple years younger than yeah mine were not 25 when they had me they're going to be this old age when they have kids um but my dad uh he remembers everything and it's like kind of hard because he feel so much guilt about like verbally abusing us and stuff when we were kids but we all turned out so well like i have no anger towards them anymore i really like did all my work i needed to do with who with my parents oh you sat down with them you didn't do it with a you didn't process it with it but i've done my work like on them for myself you know and i don't i'm not mad at them at all like i don't even really get triggered by them um but my dad still has like the guilt and i'm like dude just like evening of life like enjoy your life we all my brother both of my brothers have great families and great jobs i have a great job maybe that's just something that he needs yeah i love the sound of that the evening of life yeah i know i'm like look at some trees yeah that's beautiful i like i used to my i used to fight with my dad like crazy it's so interesting you were competitive with your dad which must come from him having you so young and you guys being close in age like i can't imagine being competitive with a parent well i did i think it wasn't like you know we weren't doing sports or anything but i just i just think that brother yeah exactly but i think it was his refusal to acknowledge what i do like when you have a guy that is so self-centered it you know to get through to land something you know in you know in their mind it's kind of you know well that's weird with comedy too in my generation of comedy specifically like if they don't see you on television they don't know what you're doing i thought you were talking about your generation they had television back then yeah they did yeah jokes are fun they are i know they're going to hurt me they're going to really hurt me but like i remember one time not that long ago my dad like he's like maybe you ought to talk to bill maher about you know how to you know get a like by the way have you seen his podcast no i can't i can't do him anymore you would feel i didn't do him that much to begin with but he's something that shifted with that guy yeah well the podcast is why what is it why what's he just it's like the way he's dressing everything he's doing yeah with the new guys going to his basement yeah the glasses he needs like a help no somebody did help him that's the problem i think he's just older than him that helped him i don't know what happened but i think that's what he's going for is like this um he's sick and tired of being this so he would rather just go completely opposite yeah i know but when you're a [ __ ] baby boomer whatever shift you're making is not gonna be great yeah do you know what i mean unless it's something more relaxed and something giving up like but like if you're a baby boomer going like the thing it's time for those boots it's not going to go well maybe that's what giving up looks like for bill maher i think i think it's maybe but to us there's a balance i think this is his final you know this is it he's you know all of them think it's a [ __ ] nightmare because like i'm the tail end of the baby room i'm not really a baby boom so like the egos of the baby boomers is why the world is ending and they like it's like they need to get the [ __ ] out of the way yeah not not get new glasses that is funny my dad loves bummer every dad loves bill maher everyone's dad loves belmont well he does have like or i haven't seen it in a while but he does have both sides on which is fun i like watching the debates of the both sides yeah i like us i think that i'm hardcore trumper [Laughter] i think that being a boomer is quite possibly a state of mind because i've met people younger than you that um have very like big boomer energy um very like antiquated thinking just kind of never really you know stayed with the times do you just mean like angry comics racists hate women middle-aged white dudes yeah yeah it was so i went to i was in cleveland doing shows and i got i've been to the rock and roll hall of fame before but you know that guy invited me again and it's like you know the struggle of that place not just to be like a hard rock that's huge but uh but when i went in there and i saw the men who were wandering around the rock and roll hall of fame i'm like i'm not one of these guys i can't you know just with their tie-dye shirts you know and it's just like i can't be this isn't who i am right it's just like classic hits personified just people i i and i i'm not i'm not that guy like i cut my own cutoffs do you have a record collection i bought this i bought this shirt wait did you really cut those yourself wow hot girl energy yeah cut these myself what else was i supposed to do you did a great job yeah i tried to cut my own shorts forever and i never get them right how did you get him so frayed that can we do that he's been here longer than us i don't know how doesn't it just happen naturally the fraying i don't think i did a thing so there was a recollect you just took some apparently it's tricky though it's tricky but you know and you guys you gals i mean you can cut them shorter these are might be arguably a little short for me but i like them they're short i like them where's they're good me carlos is like a bee i do wear short shorts i know we saw you yesterday i mean last week we had a baywatch themed episode mark my mom just like i see pictures of me and my mom i don't know what she wanted for me but my mom was always kind of hip but there's pictures of me in literally a purple hot pants outfit like with purple and white short shorts and a purple and white tank top with a star on it and like what was going on there it turned into a star i guess her doll it was like it was yeah it was like early 70s [ __ ] yeah like a david bowie type looking i don't know i think she just was groovy like i remember like there was like some vest pictures you know and some like bell-bottom pictures and yeah yeah was she the creative spirit in your head yeah she was a painter and you know she's still kind of that she paints and does does she live in albuquerque she lives in florida florida is your dad in albuquerque yes yes as far as he kind of knows yet imagine like just choosing never mind sorry albuquerque is choosing to live there forever i thought i was looking at places i was going to go back but then santa face zone i like santa it's cute right and i i grew up there but it's also on fire so we really need to get away from the places that burn every year and maybe find places by careful of the care crashes i've gotten real nervous about that so i don't want to be i want to get out before the the freak out about no water happens i don't want to be stuck in traffic you know heading east with everyone else in los angeles you think it's going to go like that it's going to be like uh well i mean i don't know what we know and what we're telling what we're being told and also where you get your information i'm just not getting the info i'm just gonna be like chilling you know what's really creepy hold on to that uh liquid death that's all i'm saying if you're getting it this is what's gonna save us yeah this is you're gonna need the liquid death so if you've got the i've got like 40 cases of that [ __ ] that's good just in case no they keep sending it oh yeah yeah i'm not doing it on purpose people come over and it's embarrassing it's like what's going on i'm like just take something yeah are you all right yeah when i've been um spearfishing in lake mead you can see where the water line used to be and it's like stories and stories high and it's so you know you hear about it but then you're like eh whatever there's still water there but then you actually go there and you see how much water we're missing and you're like but this is the other side of belief right the thing we were talking about before you want to believe stuff most of what we're doing to get by is total magical thinking right i mean like that's the reality of it but we're like we're okay right aren't we i mean i think i was going no i was like what's a syllable sure exactly exactly you just the powerlessness of it is so like overwhelming you sort of just have to be like i think i'm okay i'm showering less time that's gonna help i know sometimes i'm like should i have kids or not no yeah i know why thank you for saying that why i know how do you dispense your life however long that's going to be or theirs and that for that point convincing them of what i got i mean i got nothing against kids but i don't know what the conversations are that you have with them to make them believe that everything's going to be okay i mean that's your primary objective as a [ __ ] parent is to like you know take care of the kid and make them think that it's going to be okay try that try me make me think everything's going to be okay annie um go to sleep little one it's nap time little one hungry come have a suckle but maybe i'm being cynical maybe i i mean i don't know no not you do you know what joke of yours i always think of as when you're like i had you had to get an ultrasound on your heart and you're like surprised it's a girl i love that joke that's the funniest one yeah yeah that's my favorite marriage and i say i kind of knew i don't know why they're just gonna laugh i mean i think i think people like because i did it for a while i enjoy it you put it on a special i saw it on special was it yeah um but uh but like a a cardiologist said you know people make the baby joke all the time but like but that's not the joke the joke that it mine's a girl girl heart of course yeah no people get it yeah they just don't they're not moved to laugh they're thinking about it they're going that's true he is he's a real [ __ ] girl yeah exactly i don't know if they say it like that but thank you are you are you still mad at your ex-wife for have you gotten through that oh mishna yeah no i'm not mad and it hasn't been i kind of let that go it kind of she did a kind of a great thing after about a decade of my anger like i used to did you know her you didn't know i never let her know excuse me i used to uh i used to email she got me sober really you know and i used to email her every year on my uh sober birthday to thank her for getting me sober it was the only time i would email her yeah but you know this is after a year it's just we it was horrible but it went on for i just kept doing it and uh just once a year and just trashing her on your podcast on the i i don't i stopped doing that i don't know if i ca i trashed her i was trying to be diplomatic i think i was ultimately looking to connect with her somehow yeah you know i i haven't even run into her yeah yeah that's so frustrating 15 years yeah because you run into people that like if this were new york you'd be running into everybody yeah but for some reason people in l.a once they find their pocket that they're there so if you're not going into that world you're not going to see them but anyway so every year on august 19th or 9th or whatever thank you you know despite whatever thank you for giving and then the for some reason the last time i did it she just wrote uh back she said if i want to hear from you i'll let you know oh she married you well kinda but like i then i realized like oh my god i'm that guy where you know the email comes in and she's like oh [ __ ] yeah she has it on her calendar like oh it's her like it's her the worst day of her year not even just you don't want to be that guy who shows up on a phone we all have those people where you're like why does this person keep doing this yeah that's actually she that's a great comeback i'm gonna steal that from her sure it was boundaries what is it gonna be oh i have a couple people that i need to use that on a former lawyer a former friend you know as your former lawyer and friend i just remembered i forgot to tell you guys this i so i went on um family vacation to long long beach island and my boyfriend wasn't with me i was just with my nephews and my older brother and my parents and at that we went to the like county fair and at the fair i ran into my ex-boyfriend's best friend the rollerblader yes the rollerblader yes and it was so weird i was like hey guys because i have no interest in like any sort of unhealthy yeah uh x stuff so i didn't bring them up at all like i wasn't like how is it because it's not my business anymore like we're good i i'm assuming he's happy and uh hopefully he is but i just was like hey and then it was like it was there was like 10 seconds of just like staring at each other and she just went okay thanks for coming over yeah i have a question about that in regards to social media um do you when you break up with somebody do you then unfollow or unfriend all of their family members is that the rule i wasn't following any of them and i on what social media like like you know like the i don't know they love or i pretty much don't let go of anyone so they're gonna have to unfollow me first like really yeah i don't i think that's so mean to like unfollow someone that you had a connection with because you dated someone like i would not unfollow but i think i'm rude i don't follow friends yeah because it's sort of like enough already dude okay so we're here to educate you about the new manscaped 2.0 boxer briefs and here's what i'm going to say okay the micro model fabric is buttery soft and breathable keeping you cool as a cucumber and you know where what's amazing is you can choose from an arrangement of designs and colors and these boxer briefs i know dave has been wearing them they're perfect he loves them you guys i'm at a boat harbor somewhere in dana point i'm going diving today which means i have to be in a boat which means that i have to be in a swimsuit and because i'm a considerate human being and i want to present to society correctly or considerately guess what i did this morning i took the lawnmower 4.0 from manscape and i did a nice little friendly trim and this summer i want you guys to do the same you guys this is the best electric trimmer on the market it has a really cool led light which i need for precision and on top of that it's waterproof you guys can get 20 off plus free shipping with the code trash at manscaped.com that's 20 off plus free shipping with the go trash at manscape.com again that's 20 off plus free shipping with the code trash at manscape.com [Music] i mean i posted a picture of me on the toilet yesterday which is really good it just was a funny picture sorry i couldn't help but i had my big time i love hot girl on toilet pictures i feel like guys really or don't like it i mean i don't know if i've ever sought them out maybe i gotta let me do some research it does remind me of like you just look up hot girl on toilet no can you bring that up on the screen look it up because they definitely have that of course yeah yeah there's guys that are always in our comments trying to give us get us to give each other wedgies like they obviously have like a wedgie fetish but how far do you how like like once you see it do you look at nine pictures of wedgies i mean what is a fetish like that what do they think they like to see the wedgie it's probably the oh dude and the face i'm sure i'm assuming oh the the weird the moment of pain but i don't but i'm just guessing i have no clue i don't have that i'm not a real fetish guy so like i don't quite understand it the reason that i love posing on a toilet is that it gives me the illusion of big hips that's me texting kala when i had them on the toilet and i'll tell you exactly what the text is a miscarriage or just my period that's i know exactly what the text is esther it's usually at two in the morning and it's let's build wealth whenever i want to get esther to sometimes on stage i'll try to call esther and she won't pick up and then i'll go what should i say to her that'll get her to pick up and i go um something about money pick up and then she picks up financial opportunity ahead i was i think i was like i have memories and there there were two times i've accidentally like at a restaurant walked into a bathroom and there was a woman peeing in there like it was this moment like i remember it was it viselka once in new york yeah and it was just an accident that's a small bathroom too yeah but the look on her face was so humiliated that like i came everywhere yeah and i felt bad because i kept standing there no no i just she was just wiping her face it was tears i like i felt so embarrassed and and mortified that the memories is in my head i think it's not a good memory i think i just feel like i bet i'm sorry i embarrassed her i think it's more embarrassing for the person walking in i do too i think that's probably true yeah because i have my queening lady walked in i'd be like oh dude it was like just the worst because i'll tell you exactly what was happening please she's there today but like i mean you're like she still works yeah yeah yeah but no i wasn't i was in my bathroom upstairs and i had gotten like from doing sit-ups i'd gotten like a thing on my uh top of my ass crack like you know where you like like that kind of yeah um so i was like putting i was literally putting cream on that when she walked in and you kind of had to so just well yeah i'm kind of standing there putting ointment on my ass and she's like oh i'm sorry i'm like no no i wasn't no it was just ointment i wouldn't come back in i just showed you the whole thing i'm not doing anything weird i'm just like can you do this for me walking getting walked in on is definitely like something that i feel like you let it happen you once and then you learn how to never have it happen again right and getting embarrassed getting walked in on but depends what you're doing like if i wouldn't want anyone to walk in on me well because i don't have any toilet shame if you walk in on me while i'm peeing whatever i don't care yeah yeah never close i have moments of just deep depression in the shower just with my tits hanging on like both sides like deep thought like just a 1000 yard stare that's when i don't want anyone watching because i'm not standing straight i'm just like in this slump all of us are like maybe we do have a fetish always like huh the thing i remember about that that horrible moment is how horrified this woman was in vaselink and there's a million years ago but she always she was also in that i because i saw her come out because you got to deal with that that sort of like yeah yeah i'm sorry it's my favorite she was like total kind of like at that time it was probably the 80s like punk rock aggressive feminism kind of person and i'm like what a [ __ ] nightmare for that person for just some dude to watch i projected a lot but i decided to feel like uh horrendous about it for decades well hopefully she's listening i think she's all right i think she'll be all right mark is here to apologize to you mark are you into bananas i haven't eaten a banana in a long time i got i got walked in on someone told me they're just all sugar [Applause] [Music] i think my mom uh walked down me on me jerking off when i was in high school probably but how how's that not gonna happen cause you're just constantly jerking off really when you're in high school yeah that happened to me too it did my uh and they know they already know like i mean what do they think that like mound of kleenex shoved onto your bed i know what it is of course my mom i came home from school once and my mom was like your brother's been masturbating so much i found all these crunchy socks she's like the toilet paper's gone crunchy socks how's that not the title of something it's a podcast trevor it's about trevor wallace shout out um i'm mike blaustein right mm-hmm um blaustein yeah i like him he's cool but i wanted to make sure he said his name because trevor is more successful than him so i wanted to get his name in there too we gotta rise up we gotta rise you up i got walked in i was living on my friend's couch and he walked in on me and goes what are you masturbating and i really was [ __ ] embarrassing and then one time he sat down he was like is this your [ __ ] vibrator on my ass i'm like maybe can i tell you guys a horror story yes i have never told i don't think i've even told bobby but i had double pneumonia at 17 and i was hot in a hospital for um i was an arcadia methodist for about two weeks like i didn't really end with you getting raped i'm bored no but it's the only time i've ever been embarrassed to get walked in on and it was because i was i had missed a dance i was still in the hospital i was really fat from all the prednisone i was really hungry and my stepbrother came to visit i'm a brother [ __ ] mark yeah i'm just watching fetishes develop in mark's so my step brother comes to visit and you're all weak and i'm just waiting for everything and you're bloated but it's like juicy but i'm really in her rage because that's what steroids yes i mean they make you moon-faced and angry and i was getting all of these like breathing treatments and i'm like i'm bored i'm supposed to be at a dance and he came over to see me and i was like hey will you just [ __ ] me and he did and then the nurse came in and then her supervisor had to have a talk with me and like reprimand me and it was a whole thing and i honestly i i'm sweating so much just saying this because that's the only true feeling of like shame i've had about being walked in on because i was [ __ ] my brother at a hospital was that the first time you [ __ ] your brother no but it was maybe like maybe like the third time but i mean he was a very like sweet meek boy he he's he's past you know he killed himself at not too long after oh my god i'm laughing but and it grows the fetish no i think it just died you saw the full arc of the fetish the full life cycle of a fetish just grew and it died in within five minutes i'm sorry about the hot thing there is like you're in the hospital and of course that's the part you like you fake sick gave yourself munchausen you have munchkin houses i once walked in on a woman i was uh with at some time who jerked off like with the water and i once walked in on her [ __ ] the faucet yeah it was pretty exciting or it doesn't like stuck on or well no yeah she was like she liked the removable shower heads but if they weren't there she would get out yeah under the faucet come on no oh yeah don't make it too hot don't make it too cold either like to walk in on someone doing that whoa okay a lot of work going on there i gotta i'm sorry you're trying not to drown she had to snorkel on [Music] [Laughter] someone commented i know we shouldn't read comments but i did read them someone was like can they stop joking about being molested no [ __ ] we can't are you serious that's our that's our thesis statement that's her dissertation everybody was molested in different ways except esther but i feel like um mentally she's been over the years thank you problems we call her our resident molester no my most epic uh telling of my molester tutorial was on your podcast yes oof as like a long it was like an involved narrative it was crazy but then i got over it yeah now yeah i keep trying to think if i was molested yeah because um there was i remember one week you're cutting those shorts pretty short i know yeah i know it's a sign i know it is i know i read about it no it was uh that when we were kids me and my brother when we lived in alaska my dad was in the military and um [Music] let some sergeant's son babysit us like i had a series of weird babysitters and i do remember him like suggesting to me and my brother and he took his dick out and [ __ ] but like it's sort of kind of like i don't recall doing anything yeah and but i kind of recall i'm sort of like like maybe my brother did but i don't think i you know kind of throw tennis seems like he's getting some like molested aggravation out but like there was just a series of babysitters there was a couple of women too that took their boobs out like i remember yeah it was crazy i hear that a lot from my male friends and from their babysitters yeah because i remember that one of my friends um tj he was like yeah the first time i'd ever seen like hairy tits on a woman was when i was a child and my babysitter would be like look at my tits like my tits and i was like i think that's not appropriate he was like are you sure he was like i was fine with it at that time i was like yeah i don't think i don't i don't think she was doing you a favor i remember there was a babysitter that said like picked up this huge book like me and my brother we must have been i must have been like you know under 10 like it must been seven that would have been enough to traumatize me don't make me read and she just picks up this huge book and she goes i don't feel anything when i read like and i remember we like we undressed her kind of after she said that yeah because that's sort of what she wanted she was just sort of like like go ahead oh my god and uh and i remember these weirdos whoa wait i'm gonna try that in bed i don't feel anything when i read i remember i was like hooking up with this guy once and i was like wasted and i was like i was like i want to suck your dick at the library this was i don't know why but i was like what i go what book would you read if i sucked your dick at the library and he said the bible and it was actually pretty funny i gotta answer the bible corinthians my friend tyson what's up i'm just sad now that i never had babysitters oh you never had a baby little babies you were a babysitter no i had i was but i had a babysitter only literally once it's because i had an older sister and so i just she was just always up in her room when i was by myself is that why you were kept in a crate yes most of the time it's why i'm so lonely forever it's nice they poked the holes though for you to breathe thank you yeah the sweetest part no it was i was gated in to my room i wasn't created i had a um i had a babysitter who big difference guys he brilliantly different he i remember his pants were unzipped yeah so he had um he had jeans on his pants weren't zipped and there was no underwear and me and my brothers i don't know if he had fallen asleep jerking off or something because i know my parents like later on i found out that my parents had fired a couple babysitters because they kept stealing their porns or they would leave them in oh so they were like jerking off to my parents porns like while they were babysitting us yeah the decency to spiderman it out with your jizz but um so then uh we went to the kitchen and we got ice and we put ice in his so it kind of feels like we took back the night i don't know you know when i first came here from um the philippines they had promised me because i was molested by a family member in the philippines that was the first molestation so when i came to america i had spent my childhood watching rescue 9-1-1 in the philippines so i was like america's got authority figures and nothing bad is going to happen to me there and my first mta bus ride on a 483 down fair oaks a man across from me on like the disabled seat put his dick between a book and then just started moving his book like this and then maybe i i've had like subway jerker offers on behalf of our country they have so much she was like i'm sorry did you think your book molester story was good have you ever heard of the bookmark move okay it was just this illusion of like safety was what i was gonna find in this brand new land and then just people could not stop jerking off in buses i'm like what the [ __ ] is that and now you're dating the opposite of a cop bobby lee [Laughter] wow yeah no flasher stuff is so weird because i i got i had a guy um drive by me when i was running pretty recently this was like kind of like still got it um and he like creeped i looked over and he was jerk out but his dick was flaccid and it was like there was like an insult added to it where he wasn't hard but he was just beating his like and you felt you had to work harder yeah i was like i guess i should run faster any hint of a guy going soft on me i'm out that room saying i do not want to see it all coming down i don't want to be around your shame i don't want the explanation i'm like you do okay bye it's not me it's not me i love that like you just pick up your things you don't like the the common apology i not only do i not like the common apology i don't want to even sit there and attempt to get you back up i'm like you know what because then i'm going to take on the shame of being like that was me it's hard to not take it on yeah yeah but either you know what i did i started what if he said like it's not you i just don't really like you could you help me can you can you talk at a lower register talk a little lower voice i i always i turned it into um i'm just so hot they can't get their dick up what i don't know i hate that you know what look back i'm just so high you can't handle i yeah i know sometimes i'm like not obviously a todd but with other guys where i've just been like trying really hard to imagine there's someone else when they start talking i'm like you're [ __ ] ruining this really yeah where you're just so sick of the person you're buying you're like oh trying to think about the guy at the gas station the guy at the gas station i've never had that like i've never really thought about a person in life i feel like that's more i wouldn't be a person i know i would never like because i do actually not i'm just not like if i'm with someone i'm not like thinking about like a specific person yeah yeah that i see a lot gotcha okay i remember when before uh that my second wife split before mission split i remember specifically uh knowing that she was completely vacant when she was [ __ ] me how did you know because like i remember having talked to her about something years before about someone she had gone out with but i just knew that like she just shut off to me but she wasn't you know ready to split yet like she wasn't in order so she was still sort of playing along but i could just see in her face she was very delightful this wasn't like the no it wasn't lifeless it was just sort of like she was pretty enough like she's beautiful like she's a really beautiful person so like she was just turning on yeah the power of the beauty in my face and i'm like there was nothing going on and it was like so disturbing yeah it was it was it that and the walking in on the punk girl the bathroom people when people like don't want to [ __ ] you and they're just doing it to do it it feels bad i think i i'm with you there i mean i understand it in retrospect yeah i mean i guess we've all kind of done it yeah yes definitely three times i've ever had yeah sometimes i'm like you could really probably like take a picture of my face right now and i could get cast as like one of those corpses on svu like i am not with us here staircase season two this year are you watching that thing yeah are you i didn't watch it now okay yeah i'm trying to watch that uh severance i know it's hard i keep falling asleep yeah it's a little tiring i like that it's making me anxious yeah yeah not in a good way it's just sort of like i get it there's hallways don't you watch this if you cut out the hallways that'd be like three episodes did you say we crashed no what's that i like that about with the wii work and jared leto plays oh yeah is it good acting i love her he actually was kind of great like they were i really liked it he like he's pretty good and halfway i love her so much when i met her like i was like beside myself really tell people people turned on her people turned on her on the um when her and james franco were hosting the oscars because they saw too much of the like act she would be like well that's because he [ __ ] her yeah he [ __ ] her over yeah so he wasn't pissed the whole time yeah well no he did a bit he dismissed this the the ceremony so he was going to just pretend like it was [ __ ] but she wasn't in on the joke so he kind of left her hanging oh i see that makes so much sense yeah i don't remember that what happened he just like he just condescended the entire oscar thing and they were co-hosting he's like i'm just trying to get my dick sucked by a seventeen allegedly allegedly yeah he was just you know dismissive of the whole thing in his attitude but she wasn't in on it and she was trying to do the job and now i want to write watching clips because i bet you it was more like her being like probably yeah but i just always loved her i don't know why there's some shiny people like i've met in my life but i liked her before that i had a crush on her i can't explain it did you ever have her on your show i did yeah and i one time i saw her in new york before i had her on my show and you know i was not nobody but close but i remember i i just saw her and there was just that moment like i should go say and i'm like it's just how is that going to go like she doesn't know me i'm just going to be another one of those idiots like hey you know i really um wow okay you know like you have to like name drop like your best credits you have to be like um you have to do a quick oh there she is yeah the old house yeah who are other shiny shiny people who else is shiny oh mandy moore is one of the shiniest people i've ever seen she seems real shiny like in terms of like one-on-one with with shiny people when she walked up to my house i was like what the where did this person come from like she landed from something yeah and she brought cookies and some people yeah you're like how are you allowed to talk to me exactly yeah like we're not the same species what are you there's some shiny dudes too there's look at her yeah she's definitely shiny i'm trying to think of something like that josh brolin's pretty pretty shy oh yeah i've seen how much he was in he lives in or he was in santa fe for real uh all the time that guy's just like can the charm situation with that guy's pretty intense oh ray leota how was that one great we might have killed him we accidentally killed him we were just brought him up we brought him up and then he died yeah do you guys have that power there's because there's three of you yeah yeah we said we functioned we thought he was hot which crap circle yeah did you remember what drinking was back in the day sure i kind of did wait mark what kind of drunk were you uh i in high school i was pretty sloppy yeah but as i got older um it uh i was balancing it with blow so you know i wasn't like a constant blackout drinker but i was just sort of like uh bloated and sweaty and aggravated and uh real cirrhosis blackout i don't know if i was i just was i kind of mixed it up but i i definitely was um every day well i mean it was doing stand up it was i think i hit the the bottom in new york so i mean it was like at least four or five days a week did you ever do like the same jokes accidentally drunk on stage look if you there were some places where you would do two or three shows and you didn't know so i don't know that i did that but there were certainly nights where i did the same joke or i started the same joke twice and i'm like did i yeah i'm so afraid i'm always like sometimes i'm neither of you no never and they're just all looking at you and i'm like what happens like you just did that yeah and then you're like oh thank god i thought you just hated my jokes much better i just it was a it was a comic error to me it's like such an ultimate form of humiliation because everyone else knows and you're standing there it just seems so you know it's an ultimate form of humiliation doing stand up agree firmly agree yeah what is this job we do but there used to be nights were on the road where you have to do three shows on a saturday so by the third show you're like out of your [ __ ] mind like did i do you have to qualify everything he's like did i do the one about i didn't right okay here it is well it's like if i'm like when i was in san francisco by the last show i was so [ __ ] tired just because i was like having so much fun up so late yeah did you ever have a relationship with weed yeah every day um yeah it was just like constant i mean i always had weed i loved it woke up had weeds all day had a little one-hitter i ca i still have my little dumb pipe and the little wooden case i used to keep my weight maybe um you know i know you always want you always wish a grandparent would hand you down like an airline this is this weird almost looks like a handmade wooden pipe and back in in new york you're just you tuck into phone booths from their phone booths but now everything's legal it's so weird i know but you just said i was always like in phone booths wait that is crazy to think that when you were smoky weed it was illegal and you had to hide it well if you go to texas you have to like i you just like go into corners and stuff and i when i was smoking weed and i was in texas i would smoke like a little bit in the bathroom but then it's like if you get caught smoking it's like so [ __ ] expensive new york it's you the entire city smells like weed now like everywhere smells like weed in new york whoa isn't the weed really strong are people because like yes pot will [ __ ] you up i don't know i mean you have no reference because you never smoked in high school you just got into it yeah yeah yeah i guess you have different strains and degrees of stuff you can kind of manage it a little bit for me it's intolerable compared to this [ __ ] that i used to smoke in high school because you had to smoke a lot back then now it's like the tiniest but i had to call it i called 911 on myself the last time i took another oh i love that i love it it was amazing because she wanted it she thought it was gonna be rescue 9-1-1 she was used to seeing that as a kid america is safe they've got me they come um i i took an edible i went to sleep this was a couple years ago and i woke up in the middle of the night thinking that i was in full blood cardiac arrest she has heart problems i have heart problems what kind i have an arrhythmia and i had a procedure done about five years ago where they go in through my femoral artery and then they take these little radio frequency things and they burn off abnormal tissue in my heart wow and then you just go home that same day yeah so it's cute but you're fixed then were you depressed after ish it still has a heart surgery my dad got that well what happened i was depressed because i started getting worse and worse episodes immediately after which i wasn't told would happen but um yeah you just you just go home it's kind of [ __ ] cool how that works it's like okay there you go we you know but heart stuff [ __ ] with you because the hearts dude previous to that i didn't go out for two years because i had a full mistrust of my body i was you know an athlete my whole life i was division one swimmer and all of a sudden your heart's like hey just kidding [ __ ] like we're no longer gonna beat correctly for you and so i had a mistrust in my body i thought every tiny feeling was heart related i was like over checking my little symptoms i would go to gelsen's and have a panic attack at the produce aisle and yeah like things like that but after i got there just in general i went to the cardiologist i get and there's a thing i have a thing what is it i want to know the thing uh i guess i'm not sure what the name for i always had uh i had a little plaque i knew that because i went and got a plaque tested and i think it was from smoking my most of my life but uh but now i've got like one of my valves it has a little backwash on the beach it's a little murmur it's not a murmur a little backwards way they say about it but it's just they're like um all right and i'm like so what do i got to do he's like well you're my heart rate's really low my blood pressure is always up cause i'm in good shape he's like well you exercise without him right yeah he's like we'll just keep doing that and i'm like okay yeah the [ __ ] am i gonna do like it's my heart yeah you freak out yeah but a little you know a little backwash now was your dad uh healthy my dad was nuts i had hypo i was a hypochondriac all my life but i think that was one of the resolutions that i kind of made with my old man's i realized that the reason i was a hypochondriac it was because that's how i could get attention from my old man because he was a doctor sorry this very weird thing about hypo i i tell a huge long story about how my hypochondria was resolved that involves a urologist that my dad knew audrey whose son just came to see me why are urologists what was happening oh well the stuff well it's so i've told him many times but like it was one of these situations where you know i was freaking out of college and i kept calling my dad and i kept calling him and saying i got prostate cancer he's like you don't and i'm like no it's like my i don't know i feel like my balls and my ass kind of like it's like i think i have prostate cancer dad take a look yeah well that's sort of where it goes right so i'm like he's like you don't i just kept driving them nuts like with this prostate cancer so when i got home i got i arrived at night and he's like and i'm like i have the prostate cancer my dad's like well i'm taking you see bob rosen right now this is his friend who's urologist that's the thing about having a doctor dad you could see doctors at any time yeah but this was your dream come true carlos got the vaccine before every elderly person in the united states i got it in 2020 but this is awkward because now it's nighttime we're driving the box you haven't lost your balls we're driving to bob rose you're getting to go to a doctor's house at night yeah but he doesn't like but but but for prostate cancer so we get to the door like the the cream on the top of the yeah and this guy's this guy's eating dinner with his family and my dad's like my kid thinks he has prostate cancer exactly right exactly so we then i walk in with my dad and bob rose and we're in bob rose in his bedroom and and he goes maybe we should do this at the office i'm like yeah that maybe that would be more appropriate so we don't he doesn't finger bang me at the house bless him yes you don't want to be finger-banged by a doctor unless it's at the office and he's looking for prostate cancer so maybe that's what your doctor was but the build up the whole process of the story is i get the finger banging i get the food out of my dick and like it turns out i have prostatitis which is a stress infection yeah so i get the medicine and then i go through the medicine i'm home on christmas break and after i run the medicine i still think it i still think i have it i'm like it still hurts a little bit so i go back to bob i'm like i don't think it went away and i kind of make him finger bang me again and he's like no it's gone and then like the last uh like the last week i'm home i decided i'd have herpes on my dick i didn't even have sex yeah it's like a jerk-off store or something so i go back to bob and i show him my dick he's like wow there is something there maybe we should go to the hospital so we go the hospital and then we go back to his office and i swear to god this is after a month of this [ __ ] rosen's holding my dick looking at it and he looks up at me and goes there's nothing wrong with you do you like coming here he like leans in for a kiss exactly and that was that and then it went away it kind of went away after that i'm like maybe maybe that kind of attention is not necessary well it was just the embarrassment of like why am i here every five minutes why do i constantly go to the doctor you broke the seal of having the finger banging and then you're like no i think maybe is there something to like when you go and you find out there's nothing wrong like that soothes you so you want to keep going sure there's that and it was just sort of the repetition like now when i i'm kind of i have to i had to build some sort of strength around like if there's something wrong with me it's like well wait a couple days see what happens yes but like younger me was like i gotta go the emergency room i have had that so drilled in my head by my parents it's like you wait a while if you still have that problem in a week in a month that's not bleeding or something but you know yeah yeah yeah we believe the opposite of that we bleed a lot i know i'm so the opposite of that it's like i pay a ridiculous amount for health insurance for a ppo if that's at my disposal with twenty dollars copay i can have that peace of mind i'm gonna go i'll definitely go to the clinic i don't like that bob hope clinic they have sag after clinic yeah you can go there i didn't have i didn't have health insurance for so long that i have to remind myself i have health insurance because i'm so used to just brushing anything off yeah like it's fine i'll just [ __ ] know you've got to use it get your physicals and all that [ __ ] if you've got it again i have it but the reason i'm like this is because my mom used to wait out when i was younger my sister had like really bad asthma and my sister would be having a full-blown asthma attack cyanotic blue in the lips and she'd be like i don't think you need your hands oh my god so she would withhold the inhaler from my sister and see if my sister could get through it just with a steam shower i don't know did it has anyone said your mom was kind of [ __ ] up my mom is uh [ __ ] up i i love her very much today she is um but but yeah i mean like she was that type so i completely switched it it is weird because our parents do listen to our pa do our podcast yeah but that's what it's like a reverse my dad loves your podcast too that's when i first got real clown with my dad as well yeah i go don't actually listen to it though what are those these are yeezy foam runners kanye west oh they're kind of interesting yeah i have to pee are we almost done yeah yeah yeah we are we're good carlos go stick a finger possess make sure you please someone hold my dick while i pee thank you so this was so this is great thanks for coming thank you brand new episode next week you

Channel: Trash Tuesday

Views: 199,289

Keywords: khalyla kuhn, annie lederman, esther povitsky, podcast, tigerbelly, khalyla podcast, meanspiration, esther club, stand up, comedy, big mood, morning toast, khalyla, stand up comedy, whitney cummings, comedy store, bobby lee, interview, special, blood bath, good for you, trash tuesday, Marc Maron, WTF Podcast, Anne Hathaway, Josh Brolin, Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher

Id: YW46hKKoq9Y

Length: 71min 45sec (4305 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 21 2022