Would I Lie To You with Victoria Coren and David Mitchell | S05 E07 | All Brit

[Music] good evening and welcome to would i light you the show that not only encourages liars it rewards them on david mitchell's team tonight it's the star of pirates of the caribbean johnny depp knows him it's mackenzie crook and a naturalist and tv wildlife presenter look i'm not going to debase myself by doing cheap double entendres at his expense i will just give you the ingredients and you can take it from there birds tits short-haired beavers knock yourself out chris packham and joining tonight the country's most famous victoria behind beckham and station it's the writer and broadcaster victoria curran and a fine comedian who once starred as the voice of the welsh tourist board imagine demeaning yourself by appearing in an advert and so to round one home truths where our panelists each read out a statement from the card in front of them to make things harder they've never seen the card before and they got no idea what they'll be faced with it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction and rod is first up rod please reveal all i was sacked from my job at a zoo when my boss found out i had been taking photos of the animals wearing hats just to clarify were you wearing the hats or the animals no i was taking photos of the animals wearing hats here's just to clarify were you wearing hats well you think i was taking photos of animals while i was wearing multiple world of hats a man wearing two hats is no odder than an animal wearing one can you give us some examples of animal hats combos that you took photos of uh yeah i've done uh monkeys in bowler hats of course i've done a hippo in a flat cup and uh well i was gonna call him a snake it wasn't a snake it was in the reptile house but i don't know what he was but he was wearing a fez were these miniature hats can i can i ask god with these little animal hats or you know i'm a hippo are you mad in the reptile house i'm thinking a full-size fez is going to just hide the creature yeah so what you're saying is were the hats to scale thank you [Applause] the hats are well i mean the scale is a grand way of putting it but i would certainly try and if you know try and make the hat fit right the top of a hippo's head is actually quite a slippery affair oh you've got to get the right hat what was your what was your official role at the zoo uh general dog's body basically i i get the feeling that if you were going to put hats on animals you'd have gone for deer stalkers and bare skins you know i didn't say i didn't we just haven't got all the way through the animals okay dear stalker no i didn't do a deer stalker i didn't have a deer stalker it wasn't a comprehensive animal you had a massive hippo sized face it was a regular flashback i didn't have every single animal in the zoo and it wasn't every hat it didn't cross reference every single combination of animal and hat they just put some on some rod where where was this suit was this a welsh suit was it was gunner bird gardens it was uh it was down in uh in pembrokeshire in a place called uh oxnade oak snaid yep there's a chain of and how did it slaves come to an end what what stopped this i got caught and who was he who apprehended you it was the uh the manager as a zoo owner and manager i wouldn't have been offended i i can't see anyone being offended by a fez on a snake and a flat cap on a hippo i'd have been just what the zoo needs if it's if it's down there in south wales at this oak snail or something i'd have thought any little hat on a cat would have done that why because it's a welsh our animals aren't good enough in their natural habitat we better dress them up a bit new racist bastard [Music] unbelievable david what do you think well i'll ask my team first i mean i've never heard of oak snake zoo have you ever heard of snakes is that the most about us that shares a syllable with whip's name i think mackenzie's right that is that's the and the otherwise impenetrable armor of possibility i think we're very happy to say lie you're saying it's a lie so uh rod were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie well chaps i'm afraid i was telling a lie yes it was a lie rod wasn't sacked from his job at a zoo because he was caught taking photos of animals wearing hats and uh mackenzie you're up next position possession right now there's a box mackenzie under the desk would you take the possession out pop it up on the desk and then read the card oh cool this is this is my orchidometer it was a present from my sister what what does an orchidometer do no that's true i'll tell you what i've seen one of those and it wasn't called an orchid on it though admittedly i haven't seen the whole length of it before what's uh mackenzie it is a piece of medical apparatus yes used for determining the size of testicles in male humans why do you need to know the size of male testicles in humans i'm 42 nobody's ever gone hey extra large i don't this was bought for me by my sister wait a minute what some of them are so small that's tiny you'd be surprised [Applause] my sister bought this for me for nostalgic reasons [Applause] nostalgia in my sister when i was growing up you know as my size she would do a little mark pencil mark on the walk kitchen wall fair enough but for your testicles you know how when someone gives you a jumper they say i'll try it on now which one are you you must have done it i've never done it anyway because the second we get out of the studio i'm doing it for you [Applause] bring back memories right i will do it but i'll do it under the desk are you not going to get you there come on [Laughter] [Applause] i used to have to go to a hospital to be measured in all sorts of creative when uh keep it light one of the ways they measured me it was using an orchidometer and then your testicles would yeah that one what are you gonna say with your testicle measuring device you spoilers ambassador the question is whether his sister got it for a minute not what this is his sister got it for him he's telling me can you not remind me but this can't be real this can't be real have a look at him through those tell him your sister gave you that as a present have you got truth [Applause] lee it glasses time to take a guess about to go to the doctors and go in is that normal to have that take a look at this [Laughter] [Applause] what's the answer it is true [Music] it was true mackenzie's sister did buy him that orchidometer mackenzie frequently brings it out to dinner parties and uses it as an icebreaker and more often than not a morale crusher and at the end of that round the scores are level our next round is called this is my where we bring on a mystery guest who is a close connection to one of our panelists this week each of david's team will claim that it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to lee's team to spot who's telling the truth so please welcome this week's special guest simon [Music] so uh mackenzie crook what is simon to you this is simon and when i hoaxed my school by burying some treasure simon found it and the police were called okay all right chris how do you know simon this is simon in a virtual world we're married and uh finally uh david mitchell your relationship with simon this is simon he has a large tattoo of my face on his knee so there we have it um is simon mackenzie's treasure hunter chris's cyber spouse or david's tattooed fan lee's team where would you like to start david yes how do you know simon um i know him because when i was doing a book signing of a comedy book uh he came and asked for the book to be signed and also asked me to sign my name underneath the tattoo of my face on his knee when he's got when he's when you sign the face is the face normal when the knee is stretched or is the face normal when it's not stretched look it's my face it's not normal at all but you've got to answer this honestly yeah we're going to invite on that man who's got a tattoo of your face on his knee did you say oh good i'd like to see him again i'm of course thrilled to uh to remake the acquaintance of um of yeah [Applause] simon just to digress a little bit i once got this through backstage after a gay a woman asked me to sign her bosom and i went to sign with the pen that she gave me and and the pen didn't work and without thinking i went to the other breast and went it was awesome [Applause] uh mackenzie how old were you when you buried this treasure uh maybe 13 or 14. what was the treasure diamonds everyone's attention fake diamonds it was a hoax how many fake diamonds uh probably six where did you get all the six fake diamonds from my sister's jewellery box and then you rang up the police and hoaxed them into coming down to find some fake diamonds no no they were they were i put them in the tin and they were dredging the school pond so i knew if i placed it in the pond it would be found and where did he fit into this simon found the tin with the supposed diamonds and a letter that i'd faked uh what did it say on the letter it said something along the lines of these are stolen smuggled diamonds so you're telling me that diamonds were found with the lettering of these are smuggled diamonds and summer went we better find the police this is genuine was there a punishment involved nobody ever found out it was me the police came back and said that they'd analyzed the diamonds and they weren't diamonds and it was obviously so they caught ronnie biggs but they couldn't get you are you happy to move on now yeah chris you're married in a virtual world tell us a little bit more about how you met simon second life is a a virtual world that exists on the internet secondlife.com and i'm one of the players the various roles that you can play you you invent an avatar for yourself and you are my avatar is audrey hepburn is what audrey help burn so you're playing the woman in this relationship yes why have you got a second life as a as a woman well part of the whole thing is that you can be whatever you want to be and as i say a lot of people take it i am what i am i thought well i'll change my personality i'll be audrey help burn as the audrey hepburn happens to be one of my real-life heroines right how do hepburn because someone had already done it and what is simon's avatar he is simon bernstein jr right and where did you meet him in this virtual world when you go on there you you you can go to places and then you meet people they contact real life but for kids his name simon and his pretend name is simon yes but his real name simon morgan presumably rather like audrey hepburn he couldn't be simon morgan because someone had already done that there were about 20 million people but you're not audrey hepburn no help burn yeah no but you wanted he just but he is he's like a psychiatrist you are not i'm not going to tell you again we went through this lesson i still haven't established where you met simon bernstein jr i met him at a cocktail party yes i married him for his money but i'm i'm mad i believe you because when you said you married him for his money do you see his face [Laughter] [Applause] no that was the ink on his knees right what are you gonna say lee who do you think it is this is this is a tricky one for me victoria who is who is he connected with if this was a poker game yeah and i had to make a call i'd say mackenzie's the one who's not bluffing you're going by body language well that's interesting what is it about his body that tells you he's he's not bluffing it he has a certain he's a little calm i know for a fact he's under heavy medication looking at it from a different way the simon is far too geeky for tattoos on his knees but the avatar thing i think sounds just a bit too plausible i think it's mckenzie well listen victoria is a top poker player she knows body language better than anybody so you're saying that it's definitely mckenzie crook you're saying that it's the buried treasure yeah okay simon would you like to reveal your true identity my name is simon and when we were at school together i discovered mackenzie's buried treasure everything that uh mckenzie said was absolutely true simon found the treasure mackenzie buried at his school and actually we can show you the letter have a look at this in this tin i have placed stolen you don't mind me do it with an accent do you in this tin i have placed stolen diamonds i would never claim to have your range as an actor david shall i do passion repressed or repressed and posh [Applause] which brings us on to our final round quick fire lies in which our panelists lie not only through their teeth but against the clock first up it's ah that's lee i once helped my mum and dad look for something they'd lost using a ouija board was it a relative they'd lost david's team do you believe that and what was it that they'd lost they they they'd lost an important document okay i don't want you to be more specific oh actually yes be more specific that's very important okay it was a document that uh it was a document yes all right yes i didn't mention how important it was you're going too quickly how important it was yeah it was very important what was the important document well that's the thing that's the that's the thing i can't i was only young and i can't remember exactly it was something to do with a potential court case i don't think it ever got to court but they were worried that i think i've got another document they were worried that something might go to court and they knew if they found this document it would mean that they were proved to be in the right about the case i genuinely can't remember about it i can't concentrate on the world of the dead did they get through your grandmother she went where did you last see it where did you get the ouija board from i think one of the the regulars because we grew up one of the regular what we grew up in and um before the invention of the internet between three and five the pub closed and you had to think of something to do obviously dabble in the occult dad and all the regulars would have a little lock-in and me and my brother were invited to do the ouija board only you'd had jenga or something more wholesome no and did how did you ask the question i remember it my dad said spirit world we have a very very very very i can't stress on you and upon you enough how important a document is that we must find yeah they told us what did they spell out they spelt out uh in the attic so that your were your parents massively into the occult no i mean it wasn't a problem and it wasn't like you know it was just a bit of fun in the afternoon and ouija boards was cheeky in the 70s before these horror films right up until then it was in the 17th waddington's family game david so david what's it going to be truthful well i think true you think it's true i think it is i think it's true i was not thinking it's true but my team think it's true you're the captain you're with the team okay you say true ali what's the answer the answer is it is in fact [Music] uh true it's true lee did once help his parents look for something they've lost using a ouija board uh for those of you who don't know what the ouija board is it's like scrabble for dead people next it's victoria if i ever get stuck on a crossword clue i phoned tim henman for help he hasn't let me down yet right i think that's a very cruel line he hasn't let me down yet we all know what that's an allusion to his repeated letting down of the entire nation i think you know tennis is difficult and i'd just like to say i wouldn't necessarily have one wimbledon obviously if i'd practice as much as tim henman i'd bloody well expect to but um uh right so how do you know tim henman i met tim henman when he was promoting a sort of tennis academy thing and i went and played tennis with him at wimbledon did you play with him yeah i would i should say i was writing it wasn't just like oh victoria goran's got to come in and play you used to ring up tim handman to ask him difficult crossword things yeah yeah how did you get around that sensitive issue of going six down um so tim henman is particularly good at crossroads once again i would say that tim henman is relatively good at tennis you can almost be a professional i'm curious of all the people you meet in the course of your job you choose a tennis player of sorts to advise you on crosswords he's very into crosswords so you're saying at this point and this clue i can't get what we need is some of the skills that it takes to you know choke during a tie break you're turning against him which side of the fence are you on yeah how did the subject of crosswords come up when you're playing doing a crossword while waiting for him he was just deserve to get one in i was doing it across words and he came in and it was kind of a bonding thing because he said and crosswords let me have a look what do you think mckenzie do you think it's plausible i think it might be plausible yeah yeah uh cryptic or just regular look well he's not an idiot oh yeah it's got three letters household pet starts with d cat mckenzie thinks it's plausible packham is saying i think it's sadly probably true i don't have to think you're saying true true okay so victoria you think i phoned tim henman to ask him the answer to crossword please obviously that's a lie [Applause] it's alive victoria doesn't phone tim henry for help whenever she gets stuck on a crossword clue next it's rod i once paid for some tapas with a nissan micra so what cash value of this tapas in the in the area of 15 pounds okay why i didn't have any money but weren't you aware that a nissan micra even in probably quite scruffy condition would be worth a lot more than 15 pounds yeah but if you haven't got any money all you've got is understand micro what are you going to do i don't suppose i'd eat out in restaurants i'll drive home and have some toast i couldn't drive home i saw my car from tapas oh yeah good point did they accept the the car in payment uh yes how many of you were eating uh eight eight of you sharing 15 pounds worth of tapas i get 15 pounds worth we all had roughly i spoke why didn't i didn't you you didn't offer you didn't know there's a micro for everyone's meal you said well i only have this this and this that they might chip in to save your car um somebody did bail me out so i had to pay them with them with my car that's all i had they said so it was one of your friends that you gave the car to not the proprietors of the restaurant well obviously not yeah so one of your friends said i'll give you the 15 quid i'll pay your share but you but you can't like owe it to me you can't give it to me next week i want i want something in exchange for it now look in your pocket i've got a handkerchief i've got my shirt to be embarrassing to take my shirt off but it'll have to be the car i think what happened was she said i'll pay your share i said i've got nothing to give you i can give you my car and i don't think it occurred to her to say no don't do that give me 15 good next week i'll take the car is what she said what was the value of the car two and a half thousand i paid for it i lost 245 pounds it was good tapas it was nice we had i had uh albon d gas i had um crocodiles grow you know croquettes don't patronize and then i threw in the floor mats uh for some potatoes right david what do you think is he telling the truth i think not it is a true so just to be clear everything you just said was true every word of it you are a [Applause] and that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show and i can tell you well what a shocker lee's team have won by six points to four but of course it's uh it's not just a team game and my individual liar of the week this week is mackenzie crook yes mackenzie crook i suppose the clue was in the name never trust anyone called mackenzie good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: Banijay Comedy

Views: 281,596

Keywords: british comedy, british humour, british comedy series, Comedy, British comedy, best British comedy, British humour, classic comedy, classic British comedy, would i lie to you, wilty, wilty series 5, lee mack, david mitchell, rob brydon, lee mack would i lie to you, david mitchell would i lie to you, rob brydon would i lie to you, would i lie to you series 5, Victoria Coren, Rhod Gilbert, Mackenzie Crook, Chris Packham, victoria coren would i lie to you, wilty mitchell

Id: WQqUcjX1AOo

Length: 28min 37sec (1717 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 10 2022