World Peace Starts At Home | Julie Schwartz Gottman | TEDxVeniceBeach

what was Venice Beach before this is a time of great division right we have father against son mother against daughter sibling against sibling neighbor against neighbor race against race gender against gender nation against nation don't we everywhere we look millions of refugees are on the move they're looking for safety they're looking for peace where can they go it's just like it was for my people the Jewish people seventy years ago in world war ii along with millions of gay and lesbians disabled catholics gypsies people who had no home anymore their homes were gone and today meanwhile the wars continue how do we create peace well we wanted to find that out too so 45 years ago my husband John Gottman started doing research on how do couples find peace he was looking at what are couples doing in conflict what do they do in order to make peace in order to walk through the doors of their home with different cultures different ethnic types different races and create peace even when they have conflict so here's what he did he brought one couple in at a time into a lab and had them sit down talk about a conflict something they hadn't resolved yet and he videotaped them measured their physiology heart rate breathing and then he analyzed those videotapes one hundredth of a second by hundredth of a second isn't that incredible and he did that for over 3,000 couples not only that but he would bring them back year after year to see what would happen would they change would they end up divorcing or would they end up staying together and he did that for straight couples for lesbian and gay couples for couples who were in poverty couples who were wealthy all kinds of couples so what did he find out well here's the interesting thing when our daughter was three years old she's really the wisest person in the family we asked her for everything so when she was 3 years old we said what do you think happens with mommies and daddies when they're arguing all the time and she gave us the most wonderful answer she said there are no rainbows in the house that's not that ah it just was touching to me and so we thought to ourselves ok how do we create more rainbows in the house so here's what we did we studied the work of Anatole Rappaport he came to the United States from Russia and it became a mathematician okay got a PhD and then he got a second PhD in social psychology and what did he study how des nations make peace Wow what a question right so he studied diplomats and he watched who were the most successful negotiators and he noticed something really interesting he noticed that what they did was this one diplomat would be the speaker the other one would be the listener and the listener would postpone bringing up his or her point of view until the speaker was finished and that listener had summarized the speaker's point of view to the speaker satisfaction only then would the listener then bring up his or her point of view huh very interesting so we went back to the lab and we were watching how do our couples actually argue the ones who were successful in their relationships now mind you who knew that successful couples argue all the time but the reality is they do they're just like all the rest of us as a matter of fact remember we were bringing them back year after year and they would argue about exactly the same thing year after year the only thing that changed was their fashion sense and their hair styles that was it other than that it was exactly the same arguments in fact we learned and this was a great relief to me 69 percent of all problems are perpetual here's why it was a relief John and I have one of those of course right so here's what ours is John calls me obsessively compulsively neurotic okay and he of course is charmingly sloppy charmingly is the important word there and this yarmulke that he wears on his head this little skullcap that he wears it's not a skullcap it's actually a halo that's what he tells me all the time all right so let me tell you the facts the facts are that we have 5,000 books in our house I'm not kidding he says no we don't I say yes we do and they're all next to the bed on his side of the bed so I have to leap over the piles of books in order to make the bed all right so we've been dealing with that problem for the last thirty years they call that perpetual and hopefully we'll get to deal with it for another thirty years right okay so here's what we saw we saw that the listeners did something really interesting exactly what the diplomats were doing the really good couples had listeners when they were dealing with a conflict who would first just listen take in what the speaker was saying and then only then after the speaker was finished they would summarize what they heard the partner say and then give it a few words of validation something like okay from your point of view I can see how you would feel that way that that makes perfect sense I get it wow that was interesting then they would bring up their own point of view that's what the listener did just like what Rapoport found with his diplomats now the speaker had a very important job too so it wasn't just about being a good listener the speaker had to bring up their point of view about an issue without blame without criticism without contempt without mockery without sarcasm they would bring it up first by saying something like I feel I'm upset I feel upset I feel angry I feel sad I feel worried and they couldn't cheat by saying I feel that you are idiot this would not work then after they said what they felt they would bring up the situation they wouldn't describe their partner they would bring up the situation I'm upset that the kitchen is a mess I'm worried that the bills haven't been paid on time here the difference there it is and then they would finish with here's what I need and they would say here's what I do need they would tell their partner how their partner could shine for them they wouldn't say here's what I don't want you to do which ends up sounding like criticism right so a lot of us have trouble with needs bringing up our own needs right we're not supposed to have any needs we're supposed to be independent we're supposed to pull ourselves up by your own bootstraps not depend on each other well not true biologically we are pack animals we will not survive unless we depend on each other as a matter of fact if you take an infant and you keep that infant well-fed warm dry safe but you don't touch the infant do you know what happens the infant has a much higher likelihood of dying they used to call it failure to thrive but that's what it is the infant needed human touch human connection well so do we we don't outlive that we still have that we still need connection so we have needs there is no such thing as too needy how many of us have heard that oh you're too needy well you're not your needs are great they are just fine so let's take an example of what this would look like let's say your mother-in-law is coming over for dinner tonight and you're really nervous because she always finds something to criticize you about right oh well sounds like that's familiar to somebody okay so what's the wrong way to say this the wrong way to say it is dear your mother is a wart on the back of humanity oh okay then gee let me help you you know what what response do we expect well instead here's where you'll get a better response by making yourself a little more vulnerable by really telling your partner what you feel hey honey I'm anxious about your mother coming over tonight there's the situation right here's the need would you please stand by me if she finds something to criticize me for there is the positive need how your partner can shine for you you see so it's as simple as that now just because you say it perfectly does not mean your partner will agree and say of course honey I'll do anything you want I mean wouldn't that be sweet right so that's where compromise comes in so let's talk about compromise when we studied these masters of relationship here's what we saw them do with compromise they would first think about what can I not compromise on what is so dear to my heart that if I compromised on it it would feel like I was giving up the bones of my body what can I not compromise on and then they would think about okay but I can be more flexible about who does something when something happens where it happens how it happens how much gets spent so there was the key to good compromise people get stuck with compromise when they feel like they have to give up too much then they dig in their heels they don't compromise but if they feel like that part of the compromise that's so dear to them is actually being honored then they can be more flexible they can build a compromise so John and I created a method of helping couples deal with compromise and it looks like this so what is this we call it the two oval method or the bagel method so in the inner circle here's what we have couples do each person takes an you know the same issue they're talking about and they write down in the center circle what they cannot compromise on it might be a core need a core value a dream they have a priority and then in the outer circle they'll write down what they can compromise on and those tend to be you know the questions that maybe a newspaper reporter might ask when will it happen how long will it last where will it happen how much will be spent and so on and after they've written those out they share those with one another and then talk about how can we reach a compromise which honors both of our inner circles but then compromises around the outer circles so let me give you an example of a couple who did this we had a couple who came to one of our workshops and they were facing retirement they were very excited about that and they had a real big gridlock conflict around what are we gonna do after we retire so here was the gridlock the big problem he wanted to sell their house buy a sailboat sail into the sunset right classic sail around the world that's really what he wanted to do a beautiful dream what did she want to do well she also wanted to sell the house okay that's good one point but then she wanted to return to the farm that had been in their family for over a century and where was it located Iowa all right so how do you sail around the world from Iowa this is not an easy thing to do so listen to how they built this compromise so he put in his center circle sailing and she of course put in her center circle farm then whose dream went first became flexible how long would it last where would they go how much would they spend when would it all begin all of those were flexible and when they began to talk about their compromise they came up with this lovely compromise where they would first sell the house and then buy a boat and they would sail as far as they could go for one year then they would put the boat up on dry dock and go live on the farm through all four seasons after that they would then compare their experience compare what they really loved and make a decision for the next two years does that make sense yeah all right so what did John and I do about our charmingly sloppy versus incredibly wonderfully tidy all right so what do we do so we've reached a compromise here's our compromise I'll let the books pile up and up and up and up and when it becomes life-threatening for me to make the bed only then will I turn to John and say John the books now and he gets the idea and then he cleans up the books beautifully and I'm so happy and then they start to pile up again right there's our compromise so we have this lovely kind of cycle of tidy vs. sloppy tidy versus sloppy it's good enough and all we're looking for is the good enough relationship right that's what we're looking for not perfection but the good enough relationship and so with that I want to just say that can we do this is it so complicated John went into a classroom and there were third graders in this classroom they were all eight years old and he said to them hey guys I want to ask your advice if a mom and dad is arguing about money whether they should spend money or save money what do you think they should do and this little boy shot his hand up and he said Mimi and then he said spend a little save a little brilliant so if they can do it so can we right so John and I have been working for about 35 years now on creating more peace in the home helping couples work through their conflicts and find very different ways of talking about conflicts and what we're hoping to do is to create more rainbows in the house just like our daughter spoke about and if we can create more rainbows in a house then maybe we can create more rainbows between neighbors between ethnic groups between races between genders between sexual orientations maybe even political parties maybe more rainbows between nations so let's go out and create some peace thank you [Applause] [Music]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 8,696

Rating: 4.9751554 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Social Science, Communication, Family, Love, Men, Peace, Relationships, Research, Women

Id: FrSt7o_gE3Q

Length: 20min 15sec (1215 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 02 2018