Originally released on DOS in 1992, Wolfenstein 3D is a landmark first-person
shooter that single-handedly kicked off the genre. It wasn't the first first-person shooter, but nothing
before it came close to looking or playing this good. It was a game that very quickly aged out though: id followed up with Doom just a year later, which
was a seismic leap in graphics and gameplay. Still, its legacy has endured: Wolfenstein
has seen numerous spin-offs and reboots. 2017's The New Colossus will mark its 25th year, 36th if you count the 1981 game
Wolfenstein 3D was technically a remake of. Like id Software's other landmark games, Doom
and Quake, Wolf 3D has seen many console ports. Still, despite its airtight but
admittedly rudimentary gameplay, Wolf 3D has struggled to have proper representation
on consoles, even well into the 6th generation. It has resulted in many weird, ambitious or unnecessary
games, perfect for this show we call Punching Weight. We've given Doom, Quake, and even
Duke Nukem 3D its time in the spotlight. It's time we talk about the one that started it all. This is Punching Weight, Episode 17:
Wolfenstein 3D Console Ports. Let's start with the Super Nintendo
port, released in 1994. This may be the most infamous port of Wolfenstein 3D. First off, this game barely runs on the SNES. The original PC game is certainly primitive, but wow! They should mass-produce this
game to optometrists for eye exams! At first it looks like you're playing the
'Fell In Love With A Girl' White Stripes music video, but after a while I was able to tell the difference
between a soldier and a plant from 10 feet away. Still, it's fun to stand on one side of a long hallway and
see enemies rendered in literally 13 pixels, I counted! And they don't look that great up-close either. I'd say things are saved by the controls:
They're not great, just a notch above functional, but this is still a playable version of Wolfenstein 3D. Apparently it also has mouse support,
but I couldn't actually try it out for myself, it's one of the few video game mice I don't own. The day is saved by the L and R
buttons, which are used for strafing. B.J. still moves with the grace of a dump
truck, but at least you can circle-strafe. And hey, it plays a lot better than the
first-person segments in Jurassic Park! Heh. How's that for a comparison no-one asked for? The game is very heavily censored: No blood, no Nazi symbolism
of any kind, not even dogs! It's hardly even a World War II game! The mission briefings make
no mention of the Allied forces, just that Blazkowicz is a member of "the Republic", even though that's obviously a picture of FDR. Because of this, this port has a reputation
of being downright blasphemous, but whatever, I think this game's fucking hilarious! Without the Nazi imagery, your enemy is
just a clean-shaven dude in a brown shirt who loves golden birds and blue plus signs. Dogs are instead giant rats, but they make
the most hilarious sound when they die! [short, pathetic squeals] Like, what is that? That's like the sound of
someone imitating the sound of a rusty hinge! "Wre-ee! Wre-ee!" [short, pathetic squeals] Enemies all have the same
voices, just pitched differently, and all bosses all say the same thing: "Coming for you!" [chuckles] I mean come on, how funny is that?
"Coming for you!" That is hilarious. The lack of blood is a bummer,
but this is Nintendo after all. I also can't understand how the removal of Nazi
imagery can actually hurt this version of the game. Shooting Nazis is basically the series' defining trait, it's
the only thing that really ties all the reboots together. So Hitler doesn't have a mustache. You
KNOW it's Hitler, so shut up and keep shooting! One of id Software's first projects
was a PC port of Super Mario Bros. 3, a game thought impossible to run on a PC at the time. Years later, they'd make Wolfenstein 3D, a
game that struggles to run on a Nintendo console. By most standards, Super NES Wolf 3D
is one of the worst games ever made, but it's just an amazing object to behold! I personally think it's hilarious, one
of my favorite trash games ever, and I am very happy to own
a physical copy of this game. And if that ain't enough, it led to the
creation of Super 3D Noah's Ark, possibly the most hilarious game ever made, and for me, that counts for a lot! If you did want to play this game
uncensored - mostly, at least - a ROM of the beta was dumped
online a few years ago, so there's that. But if you want to play this version, but competent,
then you want the Atari Jaguar version. This is basically the SNES version, but
with all the blood, World War II references, and much, much better graphics and music. The speech is a little off, the white
soldiers have the wrong voices, and the bosses still say "Coming for you!",
which is still so funny to me. This port, released the same year as the Super
Nintendo port, looks and runs pretty damn well, but stumbles a bit with the gameplay: The Jaguar controller was a weird one. It featured a number pad, which means
there's plenty of extra buttons for the map, and three slots for save states! Yeah, just
push 1, 2 or 3, and save your game at any time! But because there are no shoulder buttons,
you're stuck with just a Strafe On button, which, yes, allows you to strafe, but not circle-strafe. It's the only version I played for this
video that didn't have circle-strafing, and man, this game is significantly harder without it! Though, in total fairness, circle-strafing
didn't exist in the DOS original either. The Jaguar version is similar to the SNES version because the Super NES version is technically a
port of the Jaguar version, not the DOS version. Did that make any sense? id Software themselves developed the Jaguar version to
see if it would be possible to port Doom to the system. The SNES and later Mac version would be based
on this port, but handled by different studios. Because of this, there are two extra weapons,
the rocket launcher and flamethrower, but this means there are far, far fewer levels, and those that are here have been altered or are out of order. For example, the first boss is
on the third floor of Episode 1, and Dr. Schabbs is the boss
on Episode 3, not Episode 2. There's also no episode select, and again,
though plenty of options for saving, no passwords, so no way to warp ahead to later levels. Super NES version at least had that! Still, this is a solid Wolfenstein 3D experience! Now hang on here, I'm going to skip around a bit, but trust me, I'm going somewhere with this. So let's say you're in it for the nostalgia,
you just want to play the DOS version. Well, there's the version for the Game Boy Advance! And you might think "Hey, the Game Boy
Advance port of Doom was pretty good," "and really, Wolf 3D ain't that complex a game, right?" "The GBA's got some horsepower,
this should be a slam dunk, right?" But wow! The Game Boy Advance port is BAD, and not in the charming way like the Super NES port. Runs incredibly slow, looks
really bad, controls very poorly, has no music, despite giving a
credit to Bobby Prince... it's just bad. For what it's worth, this is a total conversion of
the DOS original, all 6 episodes and 60+ levels. But also no bonus stuff like extra levels,
a map functionality or multiplayer. Oh, and no music? That's what I thought
too, but when I did some research, people found that there actually IS music in the
cartridge, it just wasn't programmed into the game. Those brave souls dug through the code and made it
available to the world, so let's take a quick listen. [grating buzzer version of E6M10 theme] Mmh.
[grating buzzer version of E6M10 theme] [grating buzzer version of E6M10 theme] Oh yeah, that's that fire!
[grating buzzer version of E6M10 theme] [grating buzzer version of E6M10 theme] Let's jam on another track! [beepy synth version of E3M2 theme] Tch.
[beepy synth version of E3M2 theme] [beepy synth version of E3M2 theme] Being totally honest, I personally would have
enjoyed this game so much more with this music. This kind of thing is really funny to me. But it's hard being so hard on GBA Wolf 3D. If the credits at the start are any indication, it
was made by two guys! And only one programmer! So shouts to Mike and Marcus, I'm sure you
did your best, hopefully you got a nice paycheck. But really, Wolf 3D GBA has a
ton of levels, but is just not good. This should have been a much, much better game. Weird as this may sound, there are way better
first-person shooters on the Game Boy Advance. If you want the best of both worlds though,
look no further than the 3DO port! Featuring the updated visuals
of the Mac and Jaguar version, its custom 30-level campaign, plus
all six episodes of the DOS original. Holy shit, that's 90 frickin' levels!
That's a LOT of Wolfenstein 3D! And the whole thing looks and runs fantastic, plus the 3DO controller has shoulder
buttons, so hello circle-strafing! I'd say the only big problem is switching guns, which
is done by pressing the Run and Open button, which makes rushing through levels needlessly difficult. But shy of playing the original DOS version, the
3DO port is the best version of Wolfenstein 3D. For those who don't know, the 3DO is a CD-based
console, so this port has a high-quality soundtrack. However, instead of reworking the
existing songs like the 3DO port of Doom, they're original songs, and I gotta
be honest, I was not into them. They're a pretty forgettable and generic
symphony of horn stabs and xylophone hits, and there aren't too many songs either. For a game with 90 maps, it has
only 9 songs to go around, and that's counting the title and end screen songs! They get old really fast, but... it's better than nothing, and this also means that none of these ports has the
Nazi anthem in it, and I'm personally okay with that. But the 3DO was extremely expensive back in its day,
and they weren't the easiest system to collect for. Thank god for emulation! But finding a PC-perfect conversion of Wolfenstein 3D
on consoles would become a frustratingly difficult task. It's an unlockable bonus on Return to Castle
Wolfenstein: Tides of War for the original Xbox, but they didn't program the frickin' run button! There's an inexpensive and otherwise
serviceable port on XBLA, but it doesn't run all that well and
the music plays at half-tempo. I know these are minor gripes, especially coming from
someone who still Platinumed the XBLA version, but... like, come on, how hard is it to port
this game without messing up somehow?! Though I have to admit, I really enjoyed the
Wolfenstein 3D easter egg in 2014's The New Order, but it's really nothing more than just that: an easter egg. More levels are hidden throughout The Old Blood too,
which I did not know before researching for this video, and... man, I finally gotta play that one! Oh, and real quick, we're making this video
right before The New Colossus comes out, but it has an easter egg where you play a bizarro
version of Wolf 3D, but where B.J. is the villain! In conclusion, there are a lot of options
when it comes to Wolf 3D on consoles, but it's kinda tragic that a perfect
conversion is so hard to come by. Still, they are a fascinating set of games, and hey, if you have any weird, unnecessary or ambitious games
you'd like to see covered on Punching Weight, let us know in the comments below! We'll be taking a break from PC ports
for the next few episodes, by the way. I know people are hungry for those really weird games,
and trust us, we got some ideas cookin'. T-shirts are also available at Fangamer, shouts to
Alex from S House Studios for editing this video, you can check out his channel right here, and for the official YouTube playlist for more
Punching Weight, check that out right here. To subscribe, click on my face! Thank you so much for watching,
and we'll see you again real soon.
