Witty Comedian Has Judges in Stitches on America's Got Talent | Got Talent Global

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I'm the youngest in my family I was always getting beaten up by the two oldest mom and dad and I used to get smacked around by these Green Berets that lived in our neighborhood some people call them Girl Scouts whatever the morning of my 16th birthday my whole family tried to surprise me with a car but they missed every Saturday morning in our neighborhood we would have this huge water balloon fight and every Friday night I'd put mine in the freezer so I'd win and after that all the mothers in the neighborhood would take turns spanking me it was awesome in high school I got caught shoplifting once from a car dealership it was a Buick and my father said to me through the bars of the jail cell because he was in the next cell he said you're no son of mine which hurt me and it confused my mother she was like damn it how did he know that was a bad kid I would sneak over to my neighbor's house late at night and I would bounce up and down on their trampoline that was their daughter's name Arlene that's my time everybody thank you very much it's pressure-packed when I woke up this morning I could feel tension mounting tensions my dog it's awkward I just found out my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant and I'm not really worried because her body hasn't rejected an organ in 25 years two weeks after she dumped me I was fortunate enough to see her get hit by a snowplow and that was awkward for me because I had never driven a snow plow before people ask me all the time if I still miss her and I do because I haven't had the scope on my rifle adjusted but I'll get her she said I was always invading her privacy she didn't actually say it but she wrote it in her diary all the time thank you for listening I appreciate it I'm about to take the stage some idiot will come up to me and say hey break a leg screw you hope you rupture your spleen you idiot they don't mean anything by it we just don't know what the hell we're saying in our language I don't want to beat a dead horse I don't want you to either there's more than one way to skin a cat how many ways do you need you psycho he looks down his nose at me well of course we all look down our nose if you could look up his nose at you either he'd be a freak or you'd be a booger those are the only options looking for a needle in a haystack who's shooting up in the barn that's my question his eyes were bigger than his stomach we'll run for your life that dudes an alien who is this bug-eyed anorexic freak she's a party pooper keep her away from the dip some of these things sound disturbingly wrong don't they he's on the lam he needs a girlfriend immediately we say the dumbest things don't I know it like the back of my hand I don't even know the back of my hand I'm intimately involved with the front of my hand but that's not important right now stupid things like can I bend your ear sure if I can poke you in the eye you jackass bright-eyed and bushy-tailed what the hell is that that's a squirrel on crack that's what that is she'll bend over backwards to please you really that's what we call it a common killing it our killing it is putting it lightly look Tom you are smooth this is going to be the year that maybe a singer doesn't win on America's Got Talent you're the man to beat and funny you know how to take a crowd in 90 seconds and win them over you're phenomenal cheering yeah Tom you are a guy that has learned his craft your timing is always perfect your your jokes are always original and I can't say enough about how I hope that you are in our final because you deserve to be there you really do one of our great comics Wow Amanda I certainly agree with everyone the thing is that I know what this must feel like I know to be judged any time you go on stage you're judged but not like this the pressure is tremendous but you do not show it sir you are the consummate professional your is cool as a cucumber and you deliver like a true professional I hope America votes you through you deserve tonight I give you comedy on demand where I relinquish control of my material Howie we please pick a topic are you serious I am serious oh my god college I never went tell me about it college yeah not parenting damn you gentlemen I ecology Shelby Howie college for me was the best 28 semesters in my entire life I I don't want to brag I went to Columbia I worked for a drug cartel then I went to Community College and I was a political science major I had a minor her name was Debbie and I got in some trouble for that I I had a 3.0 that was my blood alcohol level junior year I studied abroad her name is Lucy she had arthritis and I I used to fall asleep in class and my professors hated that because they sleep naked but I loved college I really did college kids now are different I call them kidiots they they Pierce everything right nose piercing which is a great looking to you sneeze and put someone's eye out some of the girls get the tongue piercing right with the metal spike through the tongue which is why I had parts of my body magnetized and is that out loud nipples young people pierced their nipples I couldn't I wear a clip-on I could never and they got tattoos where everybody has to have tattoos and the girls I'll get them on the lower back upper buttocks and it's always something beautiful like a bird or a butterfly emerging from the cocoon of the butt crack right we've all seen that which makes a lot of sense because we've all had butterflies fly out of our butts haven't we how many swarms of them and it's a beautiful butterfly do you know why because she's 19 years old but 30 years from now that's gonna look like a moth that slammed into a windshield isn't it I'm Tom Carter and I approve this message good evening tonight I am literally rolling the dice with my act Nicholas you're being handed a comedy cube I'm a lovely assistant it has six topics six different sets please give it a roll for me incoming nice tonight poor examples how appropriate I think we are poor examples for our children sometimes I know I am we don't mean to be you tuck your kid into bed at night what's the last thing you say don't let the bedbugs bite oh no potential for nightmares there is there the last image you're putting in your kid's head before he goes to sleep is being attacked by insects pleasant dreams or ladybug ladybug fly away home your house is on fire your children are gone who writes this stuff Stephen King I meant at a woman who swallowed a fly I don't know why she swallowed a fly perhaps she'll die another heartwarming story for the kids weird to mented images we put in their heads like Beauty and the Beast remember the story the girl falls in love with a yak or a water buffalo whatever the hell that thing was it was huge hairy it had horns and it was wrong on many levels Sleeping Beauty remember this story the girl passes out and the guy starts kissing her that's illegal ladies and gentlemen Georgie Porgie pudding in pie kissed the girls and made them cry sexual harassment sexual assault rub-a-dub-dub three men in a tub oh that's a good image for the kids why don't we have a picture of them lathering each other up wouldn't that be nice for little Billy for the better part of 50 years Donald Duck has been walking around in front of his nephews Huey Dewey and Louie with the shirt on no pants explain that Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs to remember snow white snow white in the seven doors one hot chick and seven middle-aged Dwarfs that's an adult film ladies and gentlemen every day they go off to work and call her a prostitute hi-ho hi-ho that's not right I'm Tom Cotter you're awesome I'm Tokyo Mize and I'm the winner of Britain's Got Talent welcome to Got Talent global and you can subscribe below

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Channel: Got Talent Global

Views: 261,732

Rating: 4.7598777 out of 5

Keywords: Got Talent (TV Program), got talent global, audition, simon cowell, performance, comedian, comedian america's got talent, comedian got talent, Tom Cotter, tom cotter agt, tom cotter final, tom cotter america's got talent, tom cotter all performances, Sharon Osbourne, Howard Stern, Sharon Osbourne laughing, America's Got Talent, America's Got Talent 2012, America's Got Talent Auditions, America's Got Talent Audition, America's Got Talent Comedian, comedian Tom Cotter, AGT

Id: Pks9K0ifV0c

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Length: 10min 19sec (619 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 24 2018

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