Why We Think We Are Losers (But Actually Aren't)

some of us are continually haunted by a sense that we are losers acquaintances may speak well of us colleagues May praise us but there is an inner critic inside who has a very different verdict you are a piece of nonsense you're laughable you're repulsive this critic is extremely assiduous and determined they are a world champion of sorts they'll get into an argument with our best friend to insist that no despite what they think we really are awful they'll disregard the evidence of a promotion or a surprise birthday party and keep returning to the same theme you are repulsive why does this inner critic exist why are they so remorseless if they are inaccurate why do they go on as they do to find an explanation we have to go back in time let's posit the following scenario early on in our lives those of us with a harsh in a Critic are likely to have faced a very troubling situation someone close to us it might have been a mother or a father didn't seem to especially like us they were cold and forbidding they often got angry or they simply disappeared and maybe married someone else in another country or else they fell into depression or became an alcoholic why did all this happen this is the question that would have faced the younger version of us though we forget this now it it's very hard for a child to deal with a vacuum of explanation the mind has to try to find some way of accounting for things because otherwise the mystery threatens to be unbearable better some answer than aoid unfortunately the childish mind doesn't have an accurate grasp of adult psychology or the workings of the grown-up World nevertheless it is an energetic and vibrant machine and eventually it is likely to land on an explanation that feels very powerful and that in time ceases to reveal that it is just a good guess rather than an iron truth and that explanation runs as follows the bad thing that has happened to me has done so because I am bad father has left home because I suck mother is screaming because I suck my sibling died because I suck it's almost certain we hasten to add that this is not the right answer to why think things unfolded as they did but that's not the point this was the answer we landed upon and that felt most plausible a child will prefer to think that it lives in a rationally ordered world where things happen for logical reasons even if this means having to think that they are bad rather than take on board the terrifying notion that things happen that are entirely unfair entirely undeserved and entirely reprehensible to the interests and hopes of a child better to insist that that one sucks than to have to believe in an immoral chaotic senseless Universe it's easy from here to see how the child who decided that they suck to be precise who had to conclude that they sucked in order to make sense of an unbearable pain then grows up into an adult who continues to maintain in the face of any evidence to the contrary that they are Dreadful that all good news about them is merely a cover for hatred that everything nice is undeserved and that they are despite key bits of evidence to the contrary a piece of excrement the way to break out of this prison is to realize that we are made up of Parts the inner critic is not the whole of us it is a part of us that was formed early on in response to a particular situation we might now thank it very politely for its work because at an early stage it did in fact do a rather good job of making sense of Life at a cost it was responsible we might say for getting us to the next stage it tided us over it was very clever for a six-year-old but at the same time we can now afford to take our leave of this helpful but profoundly mistaken part thank you in a Critic we might say you did something bold and you meant well but now you threaten to ruin what remains of the rest of my life it's time to say goodbye to the critic and assess reality through a fairer less bias less uninformed lens we don't suck something awful happened to us we aren't bad something bad happened to us that we tried to rationalize by blaming ourselves we aren't awful people and we don't deserve an awful future we just came from a rather difficult place

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 222,851

Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, talk, self, improvement, big questions, love, wellness, mindfullness, psychology, how, to, hack, self-esteem, self-love, self-worth, self-confidence, imposter syndrome, mindset shift, overcoming negativity, childhood trauma, inner child work, negative self-talk, emotional neglect, inner critic, comparison trap, childhood wounds, healing journey, mental health, feeling behind in your 20s, personal development

Id: eSnouLAmzj8

Length: 4min 53sec (293 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 03 2024