We didn’t get married super early. Vitaly,Â
my husband was 32 then, I was already 35. We still felt young and active and thereÂ
were so many things we wanted to do  together - travel around lots, try new stuff,Â
grow our business, build a home somewhere. Kids weren’t a forefront consideration then.Â
Neither of us felt ready. So we agreed it’s  something we’ll revisit in the future, whenÂ
we had more money and life was more stable. It’s been 6 years since. I’m now 41, V isÂ
38… and life just keeps getting more awesome. We weathered a pandemic together, closed theÂ
business down, sold it for parts, relocated to  Bali, Indonesia and got to FIRE - financialÂ
independence retire early - before my 40s. Marriage is tough business, even more so when youÂ
don’t work separately and you’re just together  pretty much 24/7, but - for most part, I thinkÂ
we’re as happily married as 2 people can be. And still we don’t have kids. We’ve been thinking about it loads,Â
especially since my 40s rolled around. There’s been so much pressure to have kids,Â
sometimes, seemingly just because we don’t. V & I have had many conversations. Despite  all these years sitting on theÂ
fence, my clock never ticked. We never really felt thatÂ
urge to procreate. At best,  we were a “yeah…maybe”, but we wereÂ
never a resounding “yes, lets do it”,  and we both think - actually, that’s theÂ
biggest reason why we shouldn’t have them. The world doesn't need more disinterested parents. Kids are so darn cute. For a lot of people, it is havingÂ
kids that make their life meaningful. There are all types of people out there though. Growing up, I never had that narrative of “you’re  gonna grow up and get marriedÂ
and have kids” pushed on me. When I imagined my future andÂ
the life I wanted to experience,  I realise now I never envisionedÂ
children in that picture. I just assumed the urge to haveÂ
those would hit later at some point,  when that biological thing kicksÂ
in. Like for everyone else. I mean,  that must be why everyone elseÂ
is popping out kids right? Parenting sucks balls - everyone knows that. Years of never sleeping enough, no personal life,  having to work harder & make more moneyÂ
so you can give your kids the best,  not to mention the whole squeezing aÂ
watermelon out through a nostril thing …. I can’t fathom why anyone would have kidsÂ
unless they really really wanted them. We all know people who didn’t really feel it,Â
right? But they just unthinkingly followed the  herd anyway. Or maybe they were thinking “wellÂ
now I’ll have someone to take care of me in my  old age” or a myriad other things, none of whichÂ
really are truly good reasons to have kids. To me that’s just a recipe for years of regret. Thankfully Nature has rigged itÂ
such that most parents love their  kids to death and they wouldn’tÂ
change anything for the world. Studies and research show that apparently,Â
despite the experiential pain of actually  raising children: the tantrums, theÂ
struggles of their schooling years etc,  having children is Life’s ultimateÂ
transformative experience. They call  it “eudaimonic wellbeing” - that feelingÂ
that one has lived a life worth living. On the other hand, anonymous surveysÂ
also indicate that, when asked,  many of those same parents reflectedÂ
that though they love their kids,  if they could do it all over againÂ
they would not have had them. Whilst we’re looking at science,Â
it’s comforting to me that studies  also reflect that the childless and theÂ
childfree amongst us are usually also  living happy & fulfilled lives, sometimesÂ
happier than the married and parenting. It most often comes down to the men & womenÂ
choosing to reframe their identities and  focus on other possibilities in life outside ofÂ
being a parent, to find meaning and satisfaction. So far we could never logic ourselvesÂ
out of the emotional truth we feel:Â Â that our lives now, with our passion pursuits,Â
the joy from taking care of our 2 fur kids,  connecting with our friends, family & theÂ
community around us, feels amazing… and complete. It doesn’t feel like there’s aÂ
missing piece labelled “kids”. Many people say they’ll be bored to tears if they  retired early and it’s just theÂ
2 of them, no kids or grandkids. The opposite is true for us though. It always feels like there’s never enoughÂ
hours each day to do all the stuff we’d like. Some people look at our lives andÂ
say that it’s really selfish. That  our lives are shallow and meaningless,Â
especially because we don’t have kids,  and somehow that’s so wrong, which IÂ
totally reject, by the way. I absolutely  do not believe there’s something wrongÂ
with being child-free, or child less. But really, who cares what other people say?Â
It’s really no one else’s business but our own. It's our lives. Nothing wrong withÂ
living it well. We should live it well. It’s difficult to admit this, but what keeps meÂ
returning to the question of kids or no kids in  my mind is wondering if, as most peopleÂ
claim, we’ll regret it later if we don’t. There’s the school of thought thatÂ
people like us couldn’t possibly  understand what we are missing outÂ
on until we’ve experienced it. We can  never fully comprehend what it’s likeÂ
not having something we’ve never had. And I think this is possibly the truth,Â
but it doesn’t mean my life is less valid,  or my contentment or happiness, false,Â
just cos I am not rearing children. As someone once put it, “The business of life is  the acquisition of memories. InÂ
the end, that is all there is.” Love and meaning comes in so manyÂ
different shapes and sizes.
 Yes having kids is a kind of personal growthÂ
unlike any other. But it is ultimately but  one way to live and experienceÂ
life. There are other options. We live in cultures that expect us allÂ
to have kids but I think - we shouldn’t  have kids until we're really sure we wantÂ
them, and then yes of course we should! It’s just sad that many people doÂ
it because they think they should,  not because they really wantÂ
to, or that they are ready to. For those people, it's important toÂ
hear that they actually don't have to. There’s no right or wrong answer aboutÂ
this, it is only a personal choice. Whichever we choose, we mustÂ
be happy with our lives.