Why we don't have kids 🪴: Intentionally Childless

We didn’t get married super early. Vitaly,  my husband was 32 then, I was already 35. We still felt young and active and there  were so many things we wanted to do   together - travel around lots, try new stuff,  grow our business, build a home somewhere. Kids weren’t a forefront consideration then.  Neither of us felt ready. So we agreed it’s   something we’ll revisit in the future, when  we had more money and life was more stable. It’s been 6 years since. I’m now 41, V is  38… and life just keeps getting more awesome. We weathered a pandemic together, closed the  business down, sold it for parts, relocated to   Bali, Indonesia and got to FIRE - financial  independence retire early - before my 40s. Marriage is tough business, even more so when you  don’t work separately and you’re just together   pretty much 24/7, but - for most part, I think  we’re as happily married as 2 people can be. And still we don’t have kids. We’ve been thinking about it loads,  especially since my 40s rolled around. There’s been so much pressure to have kids,  sometimes, seemingly just because we don’t. V & I have had many conversations. Despite   all these years sitting on the  fence, my clock never ticked. We never really felt that  urge to procreate. At best,   we were a “yeah…maybe”, but we were  never a resounding “yes, lets do it”,   and we both think - actually, that’s the  biggest reason why we shouldn’t have them. The world doesn't need more disinterested parents. Kids are so darn cute. For a lot of people, it is having  kids that make their life meaningful. There are all types of people out there though. Growing up, I never had that narrative of “you’re   gonna grow up and get married  and have kids” pushed on me. When I imagined my future and  the life I wanted to experience,   I realise now I never envisioned  children in that picture. I just assumed the urge to have  those would hit later at some point,   when that biological thing kicks  in. Like for everyone else. I mean,   that must be why everyone else  is popping out kids right? Parenting sucks balls - everyone knows that. Years of never sleeping enough, no personal life,   having to work harder & make more money  so you can give your kids the best,   not to mention the whole squeezing a  watermelon out through a nostril thing …. I can’t fathom why anyone would have kids  unless they really really wanted them. We all know people who didn’t really feel it,  right? But they just unthinkingly followed the   herd anyway. Or maybe they were thinking “well  now I’ll have someone to take care of me in my   old age” or a myriad other things, none of which  really are truly good reasons to have kids. To me that’s just a recipe for years of regret. Thankfully Nature has rigged it  such that most parents love their   kids to death and they wouldn’t  change anything for the world. Studies and research show that apparently,  despite the experiential pain of actually   raising children: the tantrums, the  struggles of their schooling years etc,   having children is Life’s ultimate  transformative experience. They call   it “eudaimonic wellbeing” - that feeling  that one has lived a life worth living. On the other hand, anonymous surveys  also indicate that, when asked,   many of those same parents reflected  that though they love their kids,   if they could do it all over again  they would not have had them. Whilst we’re looking at science,  it’s comforting to me that studies   also reflect that the childless and the  childfree amongst us are usually also   living happy & fulfilled lives, sometimes  happier than the married and parenting. It most often comes down to the men & women  choosing to reframe their identities and   focus on other possibilities in life outside of  being a parent, to find meaning and satisfaction. So far we could never logic ourselves  out of the emotional truth we feel:   that our lives now, with our passion pursuits,  the joy from taking care of our 2 fur kids,   connecting with our friends, family & the  community around us, feels amazing… and complete. It doesn’t feel like there’s a  missing piece labelled “kids”. Many people say they’ll be bored to tears if they   retired early and it’s just the  2 of them, no kids or grandkids. The opposite is true for us though. It always feels like there’s never enough  hours each day to do all the stuff we’d like. Some people look at our lives and  say that it’s really selfish. That   our lives are shallow and meaningless,  especially because we don’t have kids,   and somehow that’s so wrong, which I  totally reject, by the way. I absolutely   do not believe there’s something wrong  with being child-free, or child less. But really, who cares what other people say?  It’s really no one else’s business but our own.  It's our lives. Nothing wrong with  living it well. We should live it well. It’s difficult to admit this, but what keeps me  returning to the question of kids or no kids in   my mind is wondering if, as most people  claim, we’ll regret it later if we don’t. There’s the school of thought that  people like us couldn’t possibly   understand what we are missing out  on until we’ve experienced it. We can   never fully comprehend what it’s like  not having something we’ve never had. And I think this is possibly the truth,  but it doesn’t mean my life is less valid,   or my contentment or happiness, false,  just cos I am not rearing children. As someone once put it, “The business of life is   the acquisition of memories. In  the end, that is all there is.”  Love and meaning comes in so many  different shapes and sizes.   Yes having kids is a kind of personal growth  unlike any other. But it is ultimately but   one way to live and experience  life. There are other options. We live in cultures that expect us all  to have kids but I think - we shouldn’t   have kids until we're really sure we want  them, and then yes of course we should! It’s just sad that many people do  it because they think they should,   not because they really want  to, or that they are ready to. For those people, it's important to  hear that they actually don't have to. There’s no right or wrong answer about  this, it is only a personal choice. Whichever we choose, we must  be happy with our lives.

Channel: Jean Voronkova

Views: 17,779

Keywords: childfree, childfree by choice, why we have no kids, why we don't have kids, should you have kids, why have kids

Id: JmWzigFXPPU

Length: 8min 5sec (485 seconds)

Published: Sat May 25 2024