Why it's so DIFFICULT to Find Love in Sweden

if you've clicked on this video chances are you are a living in Sweden and trying to navigate the confusing dating scene B Our dating is swed and are still confused C our neither but are just crazy fascinated by the Swedish culture or D or neither but just want to support me in which case thank you let me know if you're D leave me a comment below and by the way if you're not please make sure to subscribe to the channel to become option D much appreciated or E my dad who watches every single video that I put out even the commercialist to make sure I get paid thanks Dad if you've picked one of the first three options you're definitely in the right place I completely understand why so much of the world is fascinated by swedes and I think part of the reason comes down to the fact that they're just very good-look people when I first arrived to Stockholm I was amazed by the amount of very attractive people it was literally like stepping into Barbie land hi Barbie hi Ken sweds even look stylish when biking to work I'd also never encountered such a high concentration of people with blonde hair in my life apparently 70 to 80% of sweds are some shade of blonde most also have this incredible porcelain like skin which I guess is one of the few benefits that comes with living in Northern weather we have very little exposure to the Sun but what fascinates me about Sweden and Nordic countries in general is that it has such a unique dating scene actually let me rephrase that swedes don't date really may ask true story and I'm going to get into it in length so stay until the end of the video to find out more and by the way if you haven't seen my previous video on Sweden then please go check it out before watching this video as I go really deep into the Swedish psychology I've spent over a year researching the Swedish dating scene and I've talked to locals and foreigners got countless interviews and many funny stories so if you want to go even deeper with it then you can go ahead and get my book sex before coffee it is on Amazon and I believe it's free if you have Kindle so let's say you arrive to Sweden you get on a dating app and immediately you are swarmed with just good-look upon good-looking upon good-look people and you think this is perfect right but as soon as you start dating you realize that it is much harder than you had expected and things are not so straightforward you start overthinking is there something wrong with me the answer is maybe I mean I don't know you but probably not as mentioned in the last video Sweden is a country that is incredibly individualistic in short it prioritizes the self Sweden is also a country that is incredibly reserved and lives by the rule of don't inconvenience don't pry don't bother an alcohol tends to act as a lubricant in another wise antisocial structure of life like the rest of Scandinavia Sweden is also pretty sexually liberated which means that casual sex is common knowing all of this I wanted to get a sense of how this has all impacted the Swedish dating scene from the sweds themselves we are too flexible they don't know what they want it might be harder to find someone more spontaneously or I mean without dream drinking is also why the internet dating or Tinder is is bigger here generally people meet like on Tinder out on bars or when they're drunk exclusively when they're drunk you start at house buddies or something it takes a long while but then slowly but surely you're like oh I guess we're together now and then how slow it can take a while it varies but I I know people who have done that for like years is it like a kind of gay mentality here where it's like you meet someone and then they text you and then they disappear and then they text you is it like that yeah yeah it's a lot of and it's also a big like hookup culture usually the intentions is not to date seriously but often like one person falls in love and then I'm with that person maybe people are just interested in meeting a few times and then meet multiple people at the same time that it gets shallow in a way so for me I think it's been hard to really get to them some sort of intimacy so there's like not first date second date third date it's just like oh let's have sex and then keep it casual and then have sex yeah I think out of my friends like I don't know anyone who does the what you see in American movies where you should show up with flowers and on the first or second date and then you're like oh we're boyfriend and girlfriend now why is that emotions yeah that's definitely the discomfort with it from my perspective interesting is why you all wait till you're drunk to hook up as well I'm from Britain like it's you absolutely can date people but once you reach a certain level of closeness it's kind of expected that you'll endend up in a relationship or maybe not a relationship but kind of an exclusive situation I had already been in Sweden the year so I kind of knew that wasn't the case here I wasn't surprised by your kind of behavior or actions but it was like frustratingly slow for me I have to approach guys and know super happy if they get approached but they will never do that do you want them to approach you do you miss yeah I mean Italy for example it was just so easy because they wouldn't approach you and be like hi I'm interested in you I went to date you it would just be like oh you like this cocktail and it doesn't even have to mean that they are hitting on you it's just like casually talking to someone in the bar but that's really difficult here cuz if you approach someone it's like they're doing it because they like you sometimes they don't want to like admit that they like you cool like yeah they just they want you to chase to Chase from the other side of the room play the game yeah they play games and I guess that the women do also we discussed that we not going to do that yeah I'm going to go for it the women just go for the cook like wolves just digging for me in Nas it was more like the guys can take initiatives and have plans and here people try to act cool or something no I'm waiting for her to take the step with her that like sweds like all hook up on nights out and whatever and me and my International Friends on nights out would be like no one even looks at us like we get absolutely no attention there's no one staring at us or offering to buy us a drink at a bar or like none of that so for a while we were just like oh my God like we've come to Sweden no one fancies us like there's no hope we're clearly not going to be able to date here and then we made some Swedish friends started talking to them and they were like oh no like you have to approach men like they're not going to come up to you you have to kind of take more of the initiative and make the first move which was completely alien but it was it was actually quite like empowering and liberating but yeah we had this like ongoing joke for like the first two months the group of Internationals I was friends with that swedes had some kind of like mating call that they did in bar and clubs because you dancing next to people you turn around a second later and they'd be kissing and you're like how did they haven't even looked at each other you don't want to be are perceived as too pushy or like come on too strong or like make someone uncomfortable I believe that people might be searching for the soulmates but emotionally afraid of being rejected you might pretend that you no I just want to hang out for a moment yeah because if you scared it's like yeah we did this and this and this all these dates I had sex had did all these things but then still it's like it's not a relationship this is so classical situation here in your mind the dating process might go something like we meet for drinks there is a spark we meet again and kiss we meet again for dinner and maybe do more than kiss we do that a few times and voila we're in a relationship in 2023 the process might not be so linear and might involve more ghosting but you get the drill well dating in Sweden doesn't exactly play out like that here it's you go out and maybe have sex if that was good you have more sex in a week or two this keeps going for a few months or years with some additions like maybe a f a dinner and eventually eventually you are together or Not by the way your situation with your partner might be different if so please let me know in the comments as I love reading your stories dating in Sweden is quite a recent phenomenon that came about with the arrival of dating apps so it isn't that surpris surprising that there isn't much of a dating culture per se Sweden is also one of the most gendere equal countries in the world according to EIG it ranks at 83.9 out of 100 points which is 15.3 points above the EU score even Denmark which is also in Scandinavia ranks at 77.8 all of this means that you have a nation of incredibly individualistic very self-sufficient and highly gender equal people which in itself is a positive but it has also so largely impacted the dating scene the individualistic nature of the sweds has largely resulted in the dating scene that can be best described as commitment phobic especially in a bigger city like Stockholm we all know the drill with the arrival of dating apps the endless amount of choice and the prevalence of casual sex has resulted in this endless pursuit of the next best thing with so many of us scared to commit well Sweden is right up there with that mentality the swedes are also uncomfortable around displays of emotions so there a real fear around being vulnerable or openly saying what you want you've also now just heard the Swedish women complain about the passive nature of Swedish men again we've seen that shift in the Western World with men refraining from making the first move for fear of being turned down or being labeled a creep and Sweden is a prime example of this men are raised from childhood to see dominance and being a macho man as something to be avoided chanting wom up at least sober is the discouraged in Sweden so it's no surprise that men don't approach women until they are so drunk that all the barriers go down I wanted to get a sense of how the swedes perceive this did the women secretly want the men to step it up pay the bill open the door and do all that gallon kind of stuff or did they want to get treated as equals let me pay the drink kind of thing and get the hell away while I do that well the answer is surpris me who in your opinion should pay on the first date I pay for my thing and uh my date pay for their things split it yeah I mean if I if I just have a cof I'm just going to pay for my coffee and then after I buy my coffee they're going to do their order I want to be independent and I I can't pay for myself but it's nice he's like offering it's a good sign yeah they know that we want them to but they are also like well we don't have to we both do the same thing both work both have money it's not like we have to you don't no one has to give me stuff the first time we meet and though I shouldn't be I don't have to do it as well would you be okay with a woman paying for you yeah absolutely I I think it's nice if if people want to it's like a little gift what if the girl is I mean you're really attracted to her but she like kind of expects you to pay for the first date what's your personally I don't think I would be in that situation because I I don't think that would be my kind of person if I like the date or if it was the second date I would probably pay for the beer because I like paying for stuff it's just like but it doesn't have anything to do with me being a man cuz you're kind of preser old gender Norm I guess where the man is taking care of the woman and the woman is somehow inferior or the man is providing and the woman's not working or something like the old fashioned kind of I think we strive to be or try to be more equal where women work as much as men and should earn as much as men man they don't but they should when we start dating if I expected to pay everything the first dat she would probably be like why yeah why you doing that we also have a a really a thing called swish which is like you very very easily Swit money to another person if the guy come comes up to you in AAR and says can I buy you a drink what's your reaction to that if I'm not interested in talking with a guy I say no thanks but if I find a guy I don't know cute or I I have some sort of interest in talking to him um then I say yes thanks so I don't want to take a drink and then not hang out with that person or feel obligated to hang out for me since I grew up here once someone open the door it's like I will like laugh it's for me it's like strange things like carrying bags and like like wanting to carry all kinds of bags all the time I'm like what are you doing like just give it to me you know and and we have these like sort of funny conversations about this which is Trivial but I see how it runs deep and it's like no I want to feel like I'm able to do this like I'm capable of being able to like being fully independent she likes to feel feminine as long as I do that in a way that is not forced then she's she loves it but if it feels like it's for I'm going to pay for this to prove that I'm the Man I mean that's stick and I think there is a quite strong Integrity there around like feminism and in that respect I'll take the next one maybe yeah always that always the next one you have to do okay I mean I like when men are gentlemen so you take the food I yeah I take and they take the bill exactly I'm not one of those girls who are like oh I offer to split the bill but whatever no if the guy isn't paying I'll split absolutely but I'm not going how do you feel about like the Swedish mentality around that cuz it's not a thing here for the no it's not women think that if they want to be equal they have to offer to pay for for their half I think we're absolutely equal we are both necessary for everything but we don't have the same characteristics or the exact identical type of equality but there was this one experience that I had which was super funny I could see that this girl was taking the lead and she's like yeah you should come and meet me tonight and we can take a drink yeah boy she took me back to this big fancy apartment this huge huge Loft Apartments like super super Swanky like she opened the botle of champagne I was like and then she exactly and then she just kicked me out the next day you felt like a piece of exactly it was so funny it was kind of interesting traveling Europe with a big luggage horrible but interesting I got to assess culturist from the standpoint of who would offer me a hand and when I was in Poland I had so many men offering to carry my luggage Sweden was a different story I would lunge my luggage up enormous stairs with no offer of help from any of the men that were passing me by and there were at some point quite a lot of men around me but knowing the culture it didn't surprise me much I mean after all Sweden is all about self-sufficiency and gender equality maybe they had assumed that as a woman I would get offended at the thought that I was too weak to carry the luggage myself and by the way I am too weak so if you ever see me lunging luggage up a set of stairs please offer to help me I would really appreciate it what's interesting is that compared to some of the other culture cultes Swedish men don't find the girly girl thing attractive in fact when asked most of them said they would prefer someone who is self-sufficient and independent they want an equal partner not a damsel in distress what's interesting noting is I haven't seen as many men with prams kangaroo pouches or simply playing in the park with kids as I have in Sweden I remember getting out of the Metro my first day in Stockholm and seeing the Thor look alike with a kangaroo pouch that had a baby in it I swear he was string down that Street like he was a Scandinavian model but he was also a father it was such a an interesting and stark contrast and I wish I had a camera to record it there's also a term called latte Papas of very good-looking but attentive Swedish men that spent their days lunding around in cafes with their babies wearing designer clothes and it's also surprising considering Swedish men are practically encouraged to take paternity leades so I wanted to get a sense of how this all relates to First Dates what do sweets consider a great date and what just wouldn't fly here what is like a typical date here I never think I've been to a date that isn't like having a beer together alcohol is involved and it's quite like relaxed just get drunk and just have fun that's the perfect first yes I don't know I just want to laugh yeah actually something very casual it can be a walk coffee or just go out and have a drink together something simple just to get to know each other like really casual and like something that you can actually like kind of run away from if you want absolutely not dinner I mean I cannot think of any friends like in my head right now that have told me that they've been on a first date eating dinner no yeah go with like a dinner that's weird that's probably don't do that let's save that moment for later on when we probably going to enjoy it casual dinner is still like very expensive so kind of Weir to do that with bit I'm sure you grew up with the Hollywood movies of the man picks the woman up he pays for her pulls out the chair do you wish it was more like that yeah I I like if I had to choose like either like this or like this the extreme way something in between sweets tend to go for a casual hangout until they're deep in a relationship then dinner dates might become more of a thing even if you're asking someone out refrain from making it a big deal don't do the whole would you like to go out with me on Friday at 7:00 p.m. instead offer it as a kind of chill hangout hey I'm heading to a bar do you want to join me this kind of invitation offers way less pressure and way less of a commitment and also an easier getaway in many other countries men have to work hard to get into bed with a woman whining her dining her complimenting her saying anything and everything to get her into bed Sweden is a great example of a country where women majorly call the shots in general there's way less stigma attached to women who want to have sex with whomever and whenever they want Scandinavia is a sexually liberated Place sex the scene is a healthy and natural way of life it's all from childhood with with images of dancing penises and dancing vaginas and I'm sure there's more but that video unfortunately is forever stuck with [Music] me sweds start having sex on average at 16 years of age however looking through Reddit I've seen numbers like 14 and 15 pop up quite a lot so in general we can say that sweets start their sexual life quite early however a lot of sex especially for people in their teens and 20s happens when drunk which means that casual hookups are incredibly common so how does this casual sex culture affect the sweds I think it's pretty smart anyway because it's nice with sex hopefully and if it's not then why would you want to be with that person then it's a waste of time I don't know maybe I'm old and out of touch now but there was like less expectation of sex on a first date in the UK where Sweden it would be like a given if we're at a bar it very much be like oh you want to head over to mine I think you usually meet first and make sure Nei exactly which is it's not like unheard of in the UK either like if a good day goes really well absolutely one or both of you might want to go home afterwards but it's less an expectation and it's more like oh maybe I will uh whereas here it was like well of course if you're going on a date as long as nothing goes horribly wrong you'll probably end up having sex it's not just like casual relationships it's just like a general casualness about sex things are not that big of a deal it's like a social experiment gone wrong a little bit this whole like empowerment do what you want La it seems like such a good idea and is like liberating and it's freeing and it is but there's also like the backside which is kind of also the things that we've been talking about like the lack of commitment it can also lead to many people being unhappy or getting stuck in this thing because it also becomes the new Norm I would say that men have problems with this with women as well so they also have problem finding women that wants to perit so it's not just the other way around we just move straight ahead to in one line to sex but we want to whole atmosphere yeah uh around it and that is missing right now uh in the society and how we date all women want some romance right ex Swedish culture is all about the freedom of choice we know that in 2023 getting married is quickly getting phased out in most of the western world and Sweden is no exception most sweds choose common law partnership which they call a lot of sweds are also sarbo which means that they're dating but living apart no matter which relationship you choose it's all good no one is here to judge you many people never get married and live a sbus their whole life other people only get married when one or even two of their kids grow up if you'd read my book there's a great story of A friend of mine who was dating a guy one day she asked him hey when are you planning to get married to which he said well when you have my kids and then I see that you're a good mother to my children then we can get married here it's all about testing it out long term before making any kind of commitment that is not to say that marriage is out but on the whole there's just way less economic and legal incentives to get married and divorce is seen as a solution rather than a problem women don't need men's money to survive and won't be ostracized for getting a divorce if something is broke fix it dust yourself off and try again living together here is called what SOS SOS so you're SOS yeah okay yeah do you guys want to get married or yeah okay this I do but more excited for that than you are you're more just like oh okay marriage is important to you cool I can go along with that whereas I'm like if we want kids I want to get married which even by UK standards is a very like oldfashioned view we now have a record of you sitting do you want to get married maybe maybe it doesn't matter I think I think I think I want to I'm not sure I don't think it's as big of a thing or it doesn't seem like it's more of a let's get married or like it doesn't have to be this huge traditional it's like a celebration right maybe you had a little dream about it because of Disney like you saw Disney when you were little but it's not like something so strong in the culture and you can be very committed and live together and have children without being married through whole life Swedish dating scene has seemed quite unique to me at the time that I was writing the book but forward a few years and it seems that most of the western world is hitting the same way fast while I love the freedom that we now have to have as much sex as we want or to choose the kind of commitment that works for us and not the kind of commitment that the society tells us we should choose and to do it at an age that we want I feel that we in the western Society are getting more lost than ever in this Buffet of choice it's getting harder and harder to enjoy the food that's right in front of us rather than visualize all the ways that we could enjoy that that endless supply of food that's waiting just there it's getting harder for people to commit and to stay committed we scratch the surface with many people but we struggle to go deep with one and the self comes first but we are less and less likely to compromise it is no wonder that we are more lost and confused than ever before it wasn't my goal to end this video on such a somber note as you know I make light-hearted videos but I do feel that the world really needs to hear this unless we change the way that we relate to each other we are going to keep going down down the same slippery slope if you can relate let me know in the comments below what in your opinion can we do to create a more deep and meaningful connections to stop judging each other so fast and so superficially I would love to hear your thoughts and I will see you guys next week with a new video don't lose faith and keep breaking down your barriers

Channel: Dating Beyond Borders

Views: 221,266

Keywords: dating in sweden, swedish woman, swedish man, swedish dating, sweden, stockholm sweden, gothenburg sweden, dating in sweden vs america, dating a swedish man, ultimate guide to dating sweden, sweden dating culture, swedish culture, dating beyond borders, things swedes do, sweden dating beyond borders, scandinavian dating, dating in scandinavia, how to date in sweden, dating around the world, living in sweden, swedish language, dating a scandinavian man

Id: J89yrh1mDyw

Length: 23min 49sec (1429 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 05 2023