why I'm taking a gap year from college...

so this is a different video than what i usually film because i've had a lot on my mind for the past few weeks and it's literally midnight right now and i decided just out of the blue to just put the camera down and talk to you guys um and just like open up because i do think of all of you as like my friends and family and i think youtube is a little bit of a safe space for me and sometimes just like talking is a little therapeutic for me and i'm going through some changes in my life and i guess i just wanted to talk to you guys i do want to put out a trigger warning because i am going to be talking about um some mental health related stuff like depression anxiety suicidal thoughts some stuff related to that so i'm just gonna put out a trigger warning now so you can click off if things like that might trigger you if you guys have been watching me for a while then you know i put out a video a couple of months ago talking about my experience with mental health struggles and anxiety and depression and things like that you if you've been watching me for a while you know that that's something i've dealt with for a couple of years now and if you're new here hi this is a very sad first video to be watching of me but hi but yeah for those of you who don't know i have struggled with major anxiety and depression for pretty much as long as i can remember ever since i was a kid actually and it's gotten a lot lot worse over the past like six to eight months i would say i don't know why there wasn't really like a trigger to be honest that i can like think of but it has and um yeah the last few months have been rough i got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder panic disorder depression adhd literally everything you can think of and um it's been obviously a lot harder i have more low days than i have happy days and obviously you guys don't see everything that's happening behind the camera and i just kind of want to be open and honest with you guys and not like pretend that everything's fine because i don't want to put out that image of you know pretending that everything's fine and i don't want to put out that idea that you shouldn't be talking about this like i think you should be definitely talking i think a lot everyone should be talking about mental health a lot more especially now with kovid and with all these things happening in the world that are so negative i just feel like it's important to talk about it because a lot more people than you would think are going through stuff like that so the last like six to eight months have been really hard for me i've been going through a lot of major major anxiety and depression i have just not felt good when i was in india i had a little period where i was feeling a lot better because i was also on medication but while i was in india i got off medication and that kind of just like started everything all over again and since i've come back especially the last three to four weeks i would say has been really tough um i haven't felt any motivation no purpose and i was really excited for school to start because i thought you know a change of environment and things like feeling normal again would help but it actually made things worse for me i actually had to go to the bathroom three times during the first week of school because i was going to have a panic attack in the middle of class and i had to make sure i had my emergency medication with me that i could take to calm myself down and i had to like run to the bathroom because i was obviously didn't want to seem like an idiot and have panic attack in the middle of class um my heart rate's been like high my heart rate's been like in the 130s almost every single day like pretty much all day because i constantly feel so much anxiety and i've done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and i've kind of come to a conclusion of like what what might be the biggest root cause of all of this i guess and i've realized school is definitely one of them and not because it's like oh i hate school or anything like that if you like anyone that's known me knows that i like love studying i pride myself on getting good grades i was always a really good student in school and even my first few years of college i was a really good student but over the last like six to eight months my grades have dropped my gpa has dropped i'm just like not enjoying what i'm learning and it feels like it's a waste of my dad's money and a waste of my time learning something that literally makes me so miserable it's not even that i don't like it i literally feel miserable when i do it and it's not something that i want to be learning it's not something that i'm interested in i just feel like i've been feeling a little lost lately a little like as if i have no purpose or direction in life because i see all my friends and most of my friends have everything figured out in terms of what they want to do in terms of their career and their future and i feel like i have no plans no idea at all i just feel really lost all the time yeah i mean that is been a really big cause of all my mental health issues but especially the last two weeks i've reached a really dark place where i didn't want to wake up in the morning like i used to pray every night that i wouldn't wake up and i wanted to die and i didn't want to exist because i just felt like really worthless i guess i'm like have i've broken down like maybe five times in the last three days and called my parents to just cry and sob about how i was just so miserable and they suggested to take a gap year so i am taking a gap year i did my first week of school but i was absolutely miserable i was crying every single day and like more than once every single day was calling my parents every night like begging them to come here begging me begging them to get me back home because i was just so miserable yeah i just spoke to my parents a few days ago for a few hours and three of us spoke about what my next plan should be and i think we all agreed that a gap year is the best thing for me right now just to take some time to focus on my mental health and reaching a happy place because in the state of mind i am right now i just don't feel like i can give my hundred percent to school right now and i don't want to waste money or time if i don't feel like i can give a hundred percent um i'm also not really interested in my major and but i don't really know what i'm interested in right now i'm still trying to figure it out so the plan for my gap year is to be with my family and friends and like be around people that make me happy make me feel safe youtube i also want to focus more on youtube because i've realized youtube is one thing that i genuinely have in my life that makes me happy it makes me feel like i'm in a safe space i'm also gonna do a few internships and try different things try music fashion film production whatever it is i'm gonna try a bunch of different things see what like really sparks a passion an interest in something for me and once i figure that out i will come back to school and probably change my major and so i can be happy learning what i'm learning and excited about it instead of being miserable about it i also want to travel because i realize traveling is another thing that makes me really happy whenever i'm i feel like i'm the kind of person that constantly needs a change of environment and um yeah that i think traveling will be good for me working focusing on youtube being around people that make me happy that's all the plan for the for my gap year um i just hope that this is a good decision i was so scared of like this this idea of taking a gap year had been on my mind for a few weeks but i was just so scared because it's a big decision to make it's not like something you take lightly and i never thought i would be the person that took a gap year but i guess you never see what life gives you i hope this decision helps me um i hope i start feeling better yeah i just guess i wanted to let you guys know what's going on and update you guys on what's happening i also wanted to be completely open and honest and like raw with you guys because i have a platform i have the platform that i have and i want to use it to make sure that things like mental health are talked about because so many people go through mental health struggles and i just feel like people don't talk about it because i guess there's a taboo around it still which there shouldn't be because mental health i feel like should be taken as seriously as physical health um because it does impact a person alone and i know that from first-hand experience how much it can impact someone i just want to thank you guys for your support and thank you for creating a safe space for me on youtube everyone's always so supportive and caring and yeah i just love you guys and i'm very grateful for you guys and yeah i will see you guys in my next video [Music]

Channel: Aaliyah Kashyap

Views: 155,007

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Id: iJEQZUz2eaw

Length: 9min 47sec (587 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 08 2021