Who does God want me to marry?

I don't want to marry someone as I don't have a job for man comes asking me running out no I don't wear a mirror you did I work to have a job and he is he said I will not come back to you fine I'll find it different man this is my life then stop caring I'm not what I'm not I'm not going to do anything for you and tell I have my job I don't care if I marry you I don't care if I marry another man I care if I do something that's special I don't want to marry someone who's I don't have a job [Applause] you think she's going to be a handful you know what though if most of us in the room were as resolute as she is in her decision if we made a list of non-negotiables before we got married or actually before we entered in the any major decision we would avoid so much heartache and pain in life if we knew what we wanted if we sat down thought okay this is the will of God for me this is what makes sense to me this is who I am this if we did that then we wouldn't be so overwhelmed by emotion where we make decisions based on emotion rather than objective truth and I've been amazed that the questions that have come in in this series where we ask you to list those questions you had and we phrased it my friend would like to ask this question but as I read the questions what it is most of you wrote the questions down for yourself and so I want you to know I noticed that we're going to get into that and I'll connect all this for right now I want to welcome all campuses if you would Long Hill welcome a Tawanna Gardens welcome down in Australia New Zealand welcome I don't know if you know this but now our messages are on radio throughout the South Pacific Australia New Zealand Tasmania the South Pacific Islands two times every day down in Australia so we're getting emails and things I just want to welcome that audience as well turn in your Bibles if you were to Genesis chapter 24 Genesis 24 and as you're doing that let's connect some things here's what we believe we believe that salvation comes by grace through faith we believe there's nothing we can do to merit or earn salvation that is a gift of God we also believe that the resurrection of Jesus Christ changed everything and that it is not pie in the sky that it's actually objectively provable that it's an historical fact that Jesus rose from the dead and changed everything we believe that the unexamined life is not worth living that any man or woman who earnestly seek Scott will find God and that only Jesus offers a Herot worldview concerning the major questions of our lives origin meaning morality destiny and we also believe that God has revealed himself in this beautiful thing called the scripture the word and then if you and I want to know the will of God and truly interested in living within those parameters that we will seek the Word of God with all our heart soul mind and as we seek the word we will find that the precepts of the Word of God are not arbitrarily given but our gold their gold and the way to live life the abundant life which is why we believe this we believe it's actually possible for two people to get married and love each other for 50 years we actually believe it's possible for a man and a woman to love in marriage and to have a successful marriage and a successful family we believe it's possible for children to actually love their parents not hate them we believe it's possible to go through the conflict of any relationship and come out as a winner on the other side we believe in mutual submission of a husband and wife to each other that each help each other and cause each other to flourish and prosper and we believe that father's can love their daughters and mothers their sons and fathers their sons mothers their daughters and we believe that a family can be resilient and strong and withstand any storm that the world can throw at it and we believe this because the Bible tells us this is possible when we have some non-negotiables in our lives when we are resolute about certain things and when we live within the precepts and parameters of God we set ourselves up for a wonderful abundant successful life he said pastor Jeff why are you starting like this well your questions amazed me they fell into two categories one objective truths that is how do we harmonize a good loving God with all the pain suffering and evil in the world but I've dealt with those questions so many times I'm tired of hearing myself those are philosophical issues they are answerable the scripture definitely speaks to them in fact in the first book of the Bible not not necessarily in order but chronologically the book of Job addresses right off the at that issue the question you had and their inter woven together number one how do I make the major decisions of my life when I'm faced with a career change when I'm faced with a promotion when I'm faced with financial issues how do I know how can I this is a subjective but object how can I know the will of God in these big decisions of my life that I'm making and will God get involved and it's tied to the second question believe it or not one of the most popular questions asked how do I know who to marry wow that's a good question so I want to take you to this Genesis 24 narrative and show you how the Bible intertwines both of those questions and the same answer for one is the same answer for the next the same way I determine who to marry is the same way I determine all big decisions in my life so here we go here's the story Abraham in Genesis 24 he's dying he's in his last days guess what's on his heart guess what he's most concerned about not finding the key to the lock box so he could get all the important papers to give to his wife Sarah not so he can get the deed of the title to the land the most important thing on his heart before he dies is finding a wife for his son Isaac because he knows what you and I have known for thousands of years right happy wife happy life and mommy happy nobody happy and so Abraham calls his very best friend his most trusted servant Eliezer and he says a liaison I want you to go and do me a favor let me read it to you verse 20 or chapter 24 verse 2 so Abraham said to the oldest servant of the house who ruled over all that he had so this guy's trusted ninda verse 4 you shall go to my country into my family and take a wife for my son Isaac so he calls his most trusted friend Eliezer to choose a wife for his son Isaac and Eliezer that's a lot of pressure man he knows the future of a nation rest on this decision now let me take a timeout here because most pastors are actually one I let him say that right most of us don't take the time to do this because we don't have the time on a sermon but you need to know a few things about eliazar number one this dude's eighty-five years old when he's given this this covenant with Abraham he actually lays his hand on the thigh of Abraham which is in the mood to move into an oath or a covenant that is unbreakable to go back to Abraham's people and to find a wife for Isaac is no small feat because it's 450 miles away before it trains and airplanes so he's got to make a journey on camels to the land of mesopotamia 450-mile expedition he also has to trust that God will go with him and the other thing amazing about Ellie azar is unless you read the scripture carefully you won't know the Ellie azar stood to inherit all of Abraham's home and land when Abraham died until Isaac came along and what makes him such a special friend as he says the Abraham I have served you well you can trust me and not only I serve you well I'm going to commit to serve your son Isaac in the same way that I serve you he could be bitter but he's not those are true friends that's a sermon and of itself so Eliezer given this challenge to go and find a life for Isaac the first thing he does is pray for help now let me just say something here most of you pray for help after you're married for a few years the best time to pray for help is before you even marry anybody I have a scene with my staff here at CCV the best time to fire somebody is not to hire them the best time to divorce somebody's not to marry them pray first now just timeout how many of you remember hee haw come on he hawked me can you believe you yet go to youtube and watch that show now it will seriously offend you the way it treated women amazing they could get away with that in Hollywood it just goes to show you even Hollywood doesn't know its own values they continue to evolve so this is the number one show in this late 60s and early 70s America sent around the TV on Saturday nights to watch Lawrence Welk he Holl Mary Tyler Moore and Bob Newhart that was our lives in black-and-white HD what's HD so in one of the seniors is a variety show so it was comedy interrupted by the occasional country music song and so they were these two guys that was lay down on the ground and the hound dog in between and had beautiful women behind them they were just I can D and all the women on the show were made to be ditzy like they didn't know anything all the guys were made to be just old country bumpkins so junior looks over to his friend and says my wife just ran off with the best friend I ever had and the other guy says how long had you known him and he said I never met the guy think about it even then marriage was so difficult the only way you could deal with it is to make jokes about it it's amazing me how many of you didn't still do not get that I'm look I can see them and you're asking each other basically what he's saying the best friend I ever had is the guy who takes my wife off my hands now you got it suctions my kid so le azar prays he knows the value of a good wife listen to his prayer in verse 12 Oh Lord the God of my master Abraham please grant me success today and show loving-kindness to my master Abraham behold I'm standing by the spring and the daughters of the men of the city are going to come out and grow water now may it be that the girl to whom I say please let down your jar so that I may drink and who answers drink and I will water your camels also may she be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac and by this I will know that you have shown loving-kindness to my master now this is a lot more difficult or complex than it seems on the surface it appears simplistic there's a lot going on here and by the way that's exactly the way it happened see exactly what happened Rebekah comes out she gives them water in the sea it voluntarily feeds the camels all of this is the angel of the Lord goes with LasR and God works this miraculous scene to say this is the one now the reason this is so relevant there are four questions every person should ask before they marry somebody and they also apply before any big decision in your life four questions you find them in the Bible in this case but can I just say something first of all there's a group of statistics that you have heard now for about ten years that somehow Christian marriages are just as likely to divorce as non-christian marriages that is fake news have you ever heard that the reason those two tatts those stats were given is because they based it on the census so anybody who checked the box Christian was considered to be Christian they've gone back now and they've discovered that if you take the box Christian and you actually attend church read your Bible and pray that the chances of your marriage succeeding increases 35% over the rest of the United States so if you're both really believers and church is important to you in reading the scripture and praying together you've got a thirty five percent greater chance of a successful marriage and so here are the four questions you should ask number one you're going to love these especially the young people do my parents approve Isaac was not the only one involved in this process it's absolutely pivotal it's a trusted servant a friend le a czar a praying father Abraham all played a vital role in the selection of the bride now let me tell you why that's important okay let me read to you a poem love is like an onion you taste it with the light but when it's gone you'll wonder what ever made you buy love is a funny thing just like a lizard it curls up around your heart and then crawls into your gizzard love is swell it's strong it's so enticing it's orange gel it's strawberry icing it's chocolate mousse it's roasted goose it's ham on rye it's banana pie loves all good things without question in other words it's indigestion when dating begins we tend to get our hearts in such a flutter that our minds stop functioning when I met my wife Robin the first thought in my mind wasn't this what kind of person is this what does she really like on the inside how is it that I can emotionally connect with her no no no when I met her is like whoa this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life I got to have this that's how you think that's how you especially guys who are site oriented we're asking all the wrong questions we asked questions like what does she look like under all that makeup does she dress in an attractive way will she worship me like my mommy said she would does she look good in a bikini those are the questions you ask and they're all the wrong questions listen I'm passionate about this because my life could have turned out so differently because I dated a girl for four years before I met my wife I was absolutely enamored with her and she was absolutely the wrong girl and all my friends and my parents and my spiritual mentors everyone tried to tell me but you're not thinking appropriately when you're mesmerized by beauty and so her whole family was about money and stuff and the right neighborhood and the right job they claimed and they talked about Christ but there was no passion for Jesus no passion for community no passion for the scripture they had an extraordinary passion for stop for more money for more goods and I was getting sucked in so fast even my basketball buddies who were little hell raisers came to me think about it here are non-christians holding a Christian accountable cuz they come and they said Jeff what are you doing I mean we're sinners going straight to hell there's no hope for us but you God's got his hand on you why are you with this girl and I really couldn't see it my grandmother took me in a back room and said Jeff this girl evil grandpa took me in the back room but he said Jeffrey she'll suck the life right out of you now you know where I got that statement and my mother would just sit on the mat and cry she'd just sit on the bed and cry because I would not listen to anyone finally something over my eyes my father who remained silent on every girlfriend I ever had he never gained comment because he's smart but he saw the road that I was travelling down about the third and three and a half years and this was the beginning to the end of my relationship with his girl my dad took me back in his bedroom and said I want to ask you something son is this really what you want and then he said have you prayed and asked God about this and I didn't want to answer that because I knew I hadn't prayed because I was afraid if I did pray and say no and so my dad looked into my heart and he quoted a simple Bible verse to me he said do not be deceived God is not mocked for whatever a man so is that will he also read it was my dad's way of saying this if you dishonor God before the marriage don't you dare ask him to rescue it when you're ten years down the road in trouble that was his message to me all my life if you're going to sleep with your girlfriend now and you're going to dishonor God don't ask him to honor it on the other side honor God now with the decisions you make make sure that this is someone that has spiritual compatibility we're going to talk about that in a few minutes so as a father then I have my own daughter and I'm going into her bedroom every night and I'm leaning against the wall and it's a five-year six year old Seon says dad what are you doing I said never you mind what I'm doing you just keep doing what you're doing and I'm sitting there praying from the time she was five that God would send her a man that would value her treat her equally help her discover her gifts her her talents and abilities and would encourage her to go out and make a difference in her world somebody that would lead her spiritually with whom she would be spiritually compatible not just meld the word that I'm a Christian but actually lived like he was now some of you young guys that have seen how beautiful my daughter is do not come to me tomorrow and say I'm the answer to all your prayers don't do that because I'll be suspicious about you the Bible says in Ecclesiastes four nine two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor if that's true how much good then is a loving God lis father or mother in giving you advice on what you're about to do daughters especially when the second party is your father here's why you should listen because he cares just about as much as you do if not more who you married he's been praying about this for a long time which means there's a supernatural impact happening here that's what this is what keeps us up at night young daughters worried about who our daughter's going to marry our son we don't worry as much about because we can smack him around if he starts messing up we know what to look for we have this built-in discernment that God gives us so when you bring him home it only it only takes about two minutes for us to look at his eyes and we we ask questions like does he look me in the eyes man-to-man does he treat my daughter with a certain sense of gentility is he kind we also have this incredible mechanism that God gave us the know if he's going to be lazy and you're going to end up supporting him all his life or if he's going to be driven work hard and give you the things you need we know that we can just tell right off the bat it's a gift we have a baggage detector - we know that if this guy's had such a difficult home life that you're going to spend your entire life trying to save him and the baggage is just so overwhelming that he'll drag you down with him we know these things you say but dads are old well that's right and joke 12:12 says is not wisdom found among the agent does not long life bring understanding we know all the failures because we made them already you know again I had a quiet father but a strong father and he never really spoke a word about the girls that I dated until this incident I just told you so I knew that when my dad spoke I better listen and that changed everything this is the same father that about three months after the breakup I met Robin my wife who is the most beautiful woman on planet earth and I broke up with her and I came home and my dad knew something was wrong and he said son what's what's wrong so well I you know I'm just not ready for this I I just broke up with Robin my dad looked at me and he said son there's no cure for stupid now you know where I got that comment I saw what do you mean that your son that woman is the best woman you're ever gonna get that's the woman that God gave you I don't know what you're thinking but do what you have to do you crawl you beg you get in your car and you go back and you tell her it was a mistake and then he walked me through about 20 questions and all the answers were yes and he said so why did you break up there I said I don't know he said that's not a good answer and so I did beg and she made me beg and crawl this is the same dad at the wedding day I'm about ready to walk out on stage with my best man to marry Robin and he bangles the car keys and he says if you go now I'll cover for you that was my dad's way of saying what when you walk out on that stage son that's it it's a commitment for the rest of your life do you understand that this is the point when the concern I have today is that because we've lost the unity of the family and because we don't need together we watch TV and we go our own ways we're on the computer here's what's happening we don't have those accountability partnerships those spiritual mentors anytime you're making a huge decision in life if you make it in isolation chances are it'll be a mistake but if you have Christian accountability people around you they can give you an objective truth into your life blind spots you can't see and your chances will increase significantly that you will make the right decision when it comes to the college or your career or who's your date or your life path don't write your parents off just because they're your parents especially if your mom and dad are Christ followers then the Spirit of God will speak through them number two is their spiritual compatibility now look at the story again basically here's what he says I'm gonna go out to the well the daughters of the men of the city are going to come down they're going to draw water and the one young woman to whom I say please let down your pitcher that I may drink I'm asking you God that she would do just that and then she would also offer to water the camels the livestock and then I will know he says this is the one you've shown kindness to my master now why what's going on here hospitality is a primary issue in the first century but hospitality stops at offering a stranger a drink the fact that she not only gave drink and water to the livestock means that she has gone above far above and far beyond what's expected hospitality wise and so the reason Eleazar appraised at prayers he's looking for someone whose heart has been changed by the heart of God that they've become a generous person we talk about that all the time greed surrenders to generosity at the point of conversion somewhere should become a generous person because of the way of God in her heart now for something else - the reason Elly Azar's looking for this as he's looking for spiritual compatibility isn't it true that when you marry someone you don't just get the wife you get this thing called the mother-in-law there's a whole slew of weird people that come with this broader with his groom I remember hearing the story about the guy who was walking down the beach and he found a lamp and he rubbed it three times and a genie popped out and he was so elated but the genie said hold on a minute I'm a different kind of genie because everything you wish for your mother-in-law gets double so he said I want a million dollars he's and find here's a million but your mother-in-law gets two he said I want a big house down at Newport Beach okay fine but your mother-in-law gets two and then he got a smile on his face and he looked at the genie and said I wish somebody would beat me half to death somebody has an interesting mother-in-law here I asked my wife once I said why I'm serious I made jokes and stuff but I know I know that I'm so blessed I asked Robin once in a serious tone probably when we were in our mid-30s why did you marry me why did you marry me was it sympathy love you know was it rescue love and here was her answer straight-faced she quoted the NIV translation of proverbs 22:6 train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it because I'm younger than she is and she said I knew that you were younger so I figured I could train you and it's taken me 30 years to do that there's no doubt that my wife and her family have impacted me they do my father-in-law has had a great impact on my life you know I look back and what if my life had turn and I'd married this other girl where would I be today you think your decisions don't matter she's been married and divorced four times now not that that's some kind of stigma or it's just it proves that there's she's going to have a tough time holding down relationships and part of it is because no man will ever be able to give her what she wants the world is not enough but I went this way because I had some spiritual mentors and now I've got a father-in-law who has really impacted me I remember playing golf once in Jekyll Island at a family holiday and my father took his hat off on the 15th tee and someone had hit a golf ball from 200 yards away and then hit him square on his bald head and the wound opened there was blood and then it closed again and I'm I'm running around trying to find out the culprit I'm about justice and I want to know who did it and my father-in-law finally grandmother said son it doesn't matter it's done just take me to the hospital we were walking through Price Hill in Cincinnati Ohio when we were on a furlough from New Zealand and it was late in the summer evening and we passed by the street where this guy was beating this girl in the middle of the street he had her up against the truck time just beating her and my little five-foot-six father-in-law 130 pounds yells down eh you big bully pick on somebody your own size and he starts walking toward him and of course I'm the son of all I have to go with him and as we get close I realized there's not many people left on planet earth that are his size this is a big dude did not deter my father alone all he kept walking the more he walked finally the guy ran away that taught me something about courage I would watch my father-in-law preach with conviction and emotion and as a young man I was saying man this guy truly believes what he's preaching he really believed he really lives this life so when you see somebody preach and then you around and you see a family that lives it it impacts you but what if the opposite had been true then I would have been impacted by that too you see the more times you spend with someone the less you become like yourself and the more you become like them that's the whole point of devotional and prayer and Bible reading the more time you spend with God in intimacy the less you become like yourself the more time you spend with God the less you become like the world the more you love God the less you love the things of the world it's just a natural relational thing but here's the problem most of us don't ask the question about spiritual compatibility because we're overwhelmed with romance and so that a young girl marries a guy that she knows is not going to lead him spiritually that he's not going to have a passion for spiritual things that doesn't have the same love for God and for the scripture that she has but here's what she tells herself how would I know this thirty years of ministry she tells herself well what we'll do is get married and as I get closer to God I'll pull him up with me I have not seen that one single time what instead happens she fights it and finally comes back to where he is it's like bungee jumping if I'm a Christ follower there are times I want to jump off and leap into the abyss with God I want to leap off the rope and be with God and away from all these things up here but when I'm married one who doesn't share a spiritual compatibility there's always this thing in the back of my mind that I've got to go back up to the platform so I bounced up then I go down about then I stop bouncing and everything in me wants to cut the rope but I know I can't I got to go back up because of a commitment that I've made listen young gay young girls young guys do you want a person to look into your heart and see the most important thing to you and not get it do you think that's not important okay now I want you to listen to me for a second not so much as your pastor but as a man who's been married to the same woman for 31 years I want you to hear it in that tone let me tell you what I've learned compatibility impacts intimacy why do you think the Bible uses the word no to describe intimacy between a man and woman Adam knew his wife Eve Abraham knew his wife why the word no because the deeper someone understands and knows you the greater the quality of intimacy between husband and wife so that that part of the marriage should get better with age not worse because the more you let each other end and reveal who you truly are the greater the possibility of intimacy that's what's wrong with our world you can if you want sex that's a whole different thing I'm talking about intimacy the way God designed it and it means that intimacy is intensified by the knowledge of each other and it stagnates by a lack of knowledge and complete intimacy corresponds to complete knowledge and understanding of the other person some guys don't get this even after they're married even if they're Christians not everybody gets this just because you're Christian doesn't mean you get it but the more you allow the other person in the more they know you the greater the intensity of the act of marriage the quality of your intimate experiences corresponds to the depth at which you share your identity and know the identity of your spouse which is why the Bible says don't be unequally yoked not that not to be the big bad cosmic boss but to tell you if you do this it's going to be a lifetime of raishin ask any young man or older middle-aged man or woman in the room that's married to an unbeliever and they will tell you this exactly the way ends up the message translation of 2nd Corinthians 6 don't become partners with those who reject God how can you make a partnership out of right or wrong that's not partnership that's war is light best friends with dark this Christ ghost rolling with the devil do trust and mistrust hold hands the point is in the path the fun path is not to call your husband a devil the bullet passage is light and darkness don't have a lot in common so it's one thing to be around and to love people in light and darkness it's another thing to join into a union that is so intimate and intense it will never work same thing is true the college you choose to go to is this a college that's going to enhance my relationship with God or is it going to spend 4 years trying to detract from it is this a career that if I go into it yes I'm going to make a lot of money but it's going to violate my ethics from day one it is better to take a career or make less or money and keep your faith than it is to make a lot of money and lose it the decisions you make in your life where are your accountability partners and is there a certain sense of spiritual compatibility there's another thing as well I had a young lady in New Zealand come to me and say look I want you to perform our wedding I said sure I'd love to and I've never met your fiancé bill can I meet him she said yeah I said can I ask you a question of course is he a believer oh yeah he said he's a Christian so I talked to him I find out that he's not only is he not a Christian he's an atheist so I'm trying to wonder why she lied to me or maybe she just doesn't know because she never asked so we have this conversation so I go back to her and I say look you know that I'm for you no matter what you decide and I will love you no matter which way you go but I need to ask you something is this man the man that you want to raise your children because the verdict is out social studies tells us very very clearly it's undeniable evidence it's not just Christian ease the most formative years of the life of the child or the first ones and in those years what he learns from his mom and dad will form a foundation upon which he or she will interpret everything be here the rest of their lives so if they're taught to seek and to pursue and experience God when they're young they'll do it the rest of their lives or at least the chances are high it's not automatic guarantee but the chances are high that's the meaning of Psalm 1 blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly nor stands in the path of sinners nor sits in the seat of the scornful now you think about look at that verse in relation to your father or mother but his delight is in the law of the Lord and in his law he meditates day and night he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that brings forth its fruit in its season whose leaf also shall not wither and whatever he does shall prosper is your father or your mother the man you're marrying the woman you're marry are they going to lead your children in paths of righteousness and if not that means you're putting a foundation in the life of your child that is shakable and destroyable I'm just asking you to wake up the lady that you're about to marry guys is going to be the mother your children the man that you're going to marry young ladies is going to be the father of your family so is he praying with you now does he have a passion for the word now is his primary passion and heart for God does he live him his life for a purpose bigger than himself now or is he all about himself or herself it doesn't get better after the wedding that's what I've been trying to save for 9 years now when I was dating Robin man we could go on a mission trip together and I would carry my luggage and her luggage and everything she brought and then only one year after the marriage we're returning to Zimbabwe I want to say five years after the marriage we got a couple of kids I got one briefcase she's got all the suitcases in both the kids and I turn around and say you coming or not you don't improve in some areas I remember Robert and I would go out for a date and we'd have these Tennessee torrential rain storms and I remember this in this uncanny ability I had that when it's pouring rain I mean Tennessee type rain coming down and just like a flood I could get out of the car after a date with Rob and dinner in a movie I could over to her side take the Umbra so that I could walk her in step-by-step to the front door not get one drop of water on that beautiful body of hers and then we're married a few years into it and as a torrential rainstorm and what do I do pull into the driveway I dart out of the car into the house look out the window I wonder if she'll make it I just want you to know that he's on his best behavior now if he's not doing these things now what makes you think he's going to start do your parents approve or accountability group approve of whatever decision you're making here's their spiritual compatibility is this going to enhance your relationship or detract and third and got to move quickly am I really ready to get married now here's how the story I'm going to summarize a little bit here the thing I like most about the story is that Eliezer represents Abraham the father of the nation he meets both Yule who is Rebecca's father but you'll invite them into the house with Laban her brother and then Eliezer tells the whole story in fact in verse 40 but he said to me the Lord this is Abraham delays are before whom I walk will send his angel with you and prosper your way and you shall take a life for my son from my family and for my father's house you will be clear a good word there is free you will be free from this oath when you arrive among my family for if they will not give her to you then you will be released from my oath this is beautiful because basically what it tells me these guys aren't dictating to Rebekah anything she still gets to make the choice verse 57 then they said let's call the young woman let's ask her about it so they call Rebekah and asked her will you go with this man and she said yes I'm ready so we don't know why did God been doing on the other side of the camp to prepare this match but the point is just as it is unwise for the son and daughter to completely disregard the advice of the parent it is equally unwise for the parent to force his or her will on the son or daughter they got to be ready there's got to be a willingness the problem we have is just because the guy's a Christian doesn't mean he's the one for your daughter you know some Christian men are just odd omnis is no respecter a person it can be in the Christian and the non-christian so what peers tend to do is he's a Christian that's the one you need what you don't know that you don't know that but even if all these things line up if you want to know if you're ready there are four quick questions and then I'll finish number one how old am I the divorce rate you can argue with this the divorce rate for those who get married at or below the age of twenty-two is twice as high as the divorce rate of those who wait till 24 two years makes a fifty percent difference that's got to be considered number two am i running from something sometimes people get married because they don't want to be under their parents authority there's an unhealthy home whether it is abuse there's loneliness and they think marriage will cure it all they want their own room they're tired of sharing it with their siblings and they don't want to curfew but if they get married they don't have to have one I'll get their number three am I looking for a savior because we say if I can only get married then all my problems will be solved you've obviously never been married let me on behalf of every married person in the room let me go into this little dialogue just for a second marriage is fantastic but it also includes the following dirty dishes bounced checks financial crises communication glitches career struggles time pressures mortgage payments and that's all BC before children and then it's poopy diapers and waking babies and little to no sleep and fighting over whether to play computer games or go out with your friends it means in advance in his waistline or retreat in his hairline and she introduces the mother-in-law and the skin under her arm starts to get all loose and flabby nobody can save you from that for every problem solved by marriage another one is created by marriage but it's a beautiful thing but you better go into with eyes wide open and for how long have I been dating this person let's say you're going to buy an airplane what do you want to what do you want to look at if you're going to buy the airplane you want to look at the logbooks the flight history the engine inspection records where's it been how did it respond to difficult weather how did it hold together when it got struck by lightning these are the aesthetics and they are important but it's important that the plane can get the job done does it take off and land safely how does it navigate storms can it take a hit and keep on picking where people are concerned you cannot discover this in just two weeks people come to me and tell me a story about this couple they know of the men on Christian mingle or somewhere and they only dated two weeks and they're now together and it's 50 years later I know would be Christian mingle where were they met fifty years later they're still together they only dated two weeks and my response is always the same it's also true that people go over Niagara Falls in a barrel and sometimes survived that doesn't mean it's a good choice for a means of transportation Kansas State University did extensive research on this and they found there's a direct correlation between the length of time a couple spends dating and the level of marital duration and satisfaction shorter term courtship SAR correlated directly to a higher level of marital breakup the reason that you increase the odds the longer you wait is because by that time the plane has a few miles on it it's learned to deal with conflict or you've learned that it can't deal with conflict that it crashes and burns every time there's conflict now let me give you a couple of automatic rejection points and I promise I'll move on to the final thing if his way or her way of conflict resolution is anger and yelling run as fast as you can because yelling and anger translates into abuse either verbal or physical when tension comes if he or her AP or C handles it by threatening you or pouting that's manipulating you to try to get their way run as fast as you can now surely I don't need to say this if he's hitting you now imagine what he's going to do after the marriage it does not get better and if you think you're the one exception to this ten years from now your life is going to be a living hell if he's hitting you do two things number one tell Dane Johnson number two run as fast as you can if he calls you all hours of the day but it's not to say I love you but instead he does this where are you when you coming home why do you do this to me you don't love me if you love me you'll sleep with me if any of those are true run as fast as you can this is manipulation and insecurity you can't save them you think you can get Ravus you have tried to save a drowning person what happens when I lifeguard goes out to save a drowning person they wait until the persons come to the end of themselves because as long as they're fighting and struggling the adrenaline is so powerful that it's powerful enough to drown both of you you have to wait till they give up or the lifeguard has to knock them out you cannot save another person you can't is too much and they'll end up dragging you down with them you say well pastor Jeff cannot marry anybody only those who are willing to go to premarital counseling and sort out their issues before you say I do do you your parents approve is their spiritual compatibility am I ready to get married there's got to be a readiness you're mature you're ready to do this and then finally we're right on time you're going to be surprised that a pastor would say this number four and this only applies to marriage okay I can't apply it across the board but this one applies to marriage am I physically attract - this person looks matter at least to you one of my favorite poems that I've read numerous times and no one ever laughs and I want laughter today I want sympathy laughter because I think this is hilarious it's called Jim's girl Jim's girl is rich in haughty my girl is porous clay Jim's girl is young and pretty my girl looks like a bale of hay Jim's girl is smart and clever my girl is dumb but good but when I trade my girl for Jim's you bet your life I would now the question in the poem is why are you with a girl that you don't find attractive now here's the problem Christian people make this mistake of assuming that person is a Christian I'm not attracted to them but you know what I think I could make this work there's got to be some level don't don't over spiritual eyes this there needs to be some spark when I first met Robin man I told you was like whoa this is the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my entire life and since I'm the most handsome man on the planet this is going to be a good marriage that's how guys think come on every guy in the room think that don't be an idiot and value looks too highly but don't be a and disregard them completely it's possible to love someone without being in love with them and what I'm saying to you you gotta have both don't marry a Christian that you're not attracted to and don't marry a non-christian that you're absolutely infatuated with they don't end well so dad's here's what I want the end let's make sure we have this big decisions of life accountability mentors advisors spiritual compatibility is this going to grow or detract my faith am I ready for this and those are questions only the people around you can help you answer because they they see through your blind spots and when it comes to marriage are you attracted one day dads and I'm a dad so I'm approaching this from the perspective of the father one day your little girl is going to come to you and some of it's already happening they're going to say dad how do you know when it's the right one and I want to help you not just say yeah just know so I wrote something out for my daughter years ago she was in the first service today so I got to reread it to her I even used her name I'm in such trouble when I get home and any father who wants to copy this I'll be glad to send it to you so if seon says dad how do you know here's my answer you must know your values dreams and goals and you must form a laser-like clarity concerning the type of person that you want to marry who will come alongside you and help you to achieve those values dreams and goals you must know the kind of temperament and personality that will harmonize well with your needs and desires you must decide long beforehand your list of non-negotiables and most importantly you must pray beginning now that God will give you the gift of discernment and will prevent you from falling into the trap of emotional decisions void of logic and reality yes emotion will play an important role but emotions must be tempered with wisdom from those you trust how will you know see on this is one of the great challenges that human beings face so you must start getting ready now god help us to be the fathers that our daughters need the mothers that our sons need the fathers that our sons need to help them navigate through this because it will determine the quality of the rest of their life father thank you for the power of your word for simple narrative in Genesis 24 where Abraham sends Ellie a czar to find a wife for Isaac and even though there are cultural differences here that we recognize we also recognize the similarities I pray that we would surround ourselves people with people who will tell us the truth about ourselves we'll speak words of wisdom from the spirit who lives in each of us help us to become more of a family here at CCV to love each other never to judge each other but to speak words of wisdom to always ask the questions of a spiritual accountability to make sure there's a sense of readiness I pray that we would honor you as we honor each other that when we fail in these areas again that there'd be no judgment but we would pick each other up when we fall and help us to navigate the future I pray for our sons and our daughters in Christ's name Amen

Channel: ONE&ALL

Views: 32,319

Rating: 4.8724084 out of 5

Keywords: marriage, spouse, abuse, manipulation, Jesus, hope, care, kids, children, money, arguing, healing, Jeff Vines, Family Life Sermon Series, Marriage, Sermon, four questions to ask before you marry, pastor jeff vines marriage, how to get married, preparing for marriage, youtube church, pastor jeff vines youtube, jeff vines youtube, one & all church, one and all, one & all jeff vines, one & all youtube, one & all marraige, ccvsocal, ccv youtube

Id: OtUR651Tl00

Length: 49min 34sec (2974 seconds)

Published: Mon May 22 2017