What the HELL is Elf Bowling the Movie? - Christmas Crap

I tell you she was the sweetest boy ever she had it all and then she meets up with this internet geek online of bada boom what the hell was that why why does this movie exist who thought that a simple computer game from 1998 required its own 82 minute film with a six and a half million dollar budget no less so this is ELF bowling the movie the Great North Pole elf strike just rolls off the tongue doesn't it this film came out in 2007 and features the voice talents of Tom Kenny that's right Sponge Bob and Ice King are in this movie kind of no one sucks the life from my penguins except me and maybe polar bears because that's just nature Gunter this movie is a hot mess they took a simple concept and stretched it out to the point where the film becomes confusing and contrived all for the sake of cashing in on a property that is well past its prime most kids today have no idea about the game so why would they have any desire to watch the movie even then the film has little to do with the original source do you remember pirates in the video game or talking Stonehenge heads or magical powers the directors of this movie are Dave Kim and Rex piano Rex has directed quite a few films but they all looked pretty bad Dave on the other hand has more experience and visual effects which is clearly his forte not sure how these two found each other and teamed up but the final product is not so great the writer for the movie is Martin Olsen another person who has an extensive filmography his resume includes phineas and ferb and Rocko's Modern Life I guess the question that I can't get over is who thought that this movie was a good idea was it the directors the writer some producers Tom Kenny was it you for all we know it could have been the studio's fault maybe some out-of-touch suits thought that this was a smart idea since the kids love the vidya games from 1950 98 there were actually two studios involved with this movie film brokers international and the great highway company this isn't going to be fun to review is it well at least while the luigi's in the movie why luigi number two on alright so if the movie starts off with this disembodied voice telling us that we don't know jack about christmas so you think you know how Santa Claus became we didn't see a pirate ship called the filthy ho I'm sorry the filthy tow put all them treats uh stolen toys and me cabin we're not even that far into the film and I already got to do a recap so what this movie is trying to tell me is that Santa and these pirates they steal toys from kids and then they sell them back man that's EA levels of evil also take a shot for every poop and fart joke so it turns out that Captain Santa feels bad about stealing toys and he wants to give some of them back to the orphans his hearts in the right place but damn is he stupid he just drops the presents off in the ocean the chances of somebody finding this stuff is like impossible you're just basically polluting the ocean so as the name of the movie implies there's bowling involved [Music] we're then introduced to Santa's brother who is quite the low-life and troublemaker anything you say my dear sweet brother fool you fat mangy bearded blubber bucket [Music] [Music] excuse me is this avatar also why is a tropical pirate ship so close to the North Pole [Music] oh my god that title we then see the self snowboarding lucky straight out of rocket power the elf stumbles across the brothers and uses a Palantir to thaw them out are you cracked never thought monsters oldest rule in the book these elf characters already come across as unpleasant and I feel that's gonna be the case for the entire movie their tone their sass and this poor guy sounds like he had a stroke holy send us strong excuse me [Music] so Santa Anas brother Dingle try to get on the elves good side and lie about who they are [Music] Wow that tree house looks like it's right out of kids next door coincidence I don't know what a surprise the elves make toys and this catches the fancy of Dingle even though the movie never tells us why these two are so interested in toys to begin with like why do the Pirates collect toys they never say why and then there's the question of why elves make toys well here's your answer we play with them okay yeah it makes complete sense and then they store the toys in mountains and that one and that one holy jingle bells' lads there must be ten trillion and countin I know that this is a fictional universe but ten trillion really there are even ten trillion stars in our own galaxy so just let that number so Ken and trillion and countin so here's the main question of the movie how did elf balling even become a thing well this is what they tell us really that's how it went down we love having their ankles broken do it do it some more if I can trick this licks into country nurse of a ship we can hunt down them scalawags what made us walk the plank with me isn't they great Santa was originally an asshole doing if the Surefire sign they like you white beard yeah take another shot presenting the best pastry chef and all of Elton oh right beard you said she did one she just had to say it like that Oh weights beard you're such a big one [Music] rather you keep your hot spoodle in your pants excuse me whoa that is one hell of an innuendo could you imagine the looks on the parents faces who are watching this with their kids and now we're talking streetwise penguin come on mittens they just fill up the truck so according to this film that's how Santa and his Christmas traditions came to be [Music] [Applause] first there's rebel who's in charge of packaging no yeah when the presidency Oh oh my god of course they make the one black elf a rapper and a one-note character such a progressive movie of course there's a song a contract that was already written up before Santa arrived okay with orientation exasperation constipation or malady holy these Elvis's just go ahead and form a union so the arrows and I began an enterprise that was destined to change all of history and as an added bonus the elves magic bestowed immortality on the Dingle agreed that's great Santa's immortal and humanity just has to deal with him throughout the centuries Oh what's in the air like the scent of fresh brewed oh wait hold on so according to this movie it took over 1,400 years for Santa to get married to that girl Jesus Christ dude ah so we finally discovered the main plot of the movie it only took about 25 minutes and we're back to bowling these elves keep breaking our ankles we get free healthcare through our union deployment the strike to climate [Applause] the toy counts off by six billion units six billion blistering barnacles who's in charge of the inventory I don't understand why Santa's afraid about toy inventory you've got ten trillion toys in your arsenal you should be set for quite a long time so dingle throws down a challenge for control and they have a bowling contest and already our two athletes are in the middle of controversy Santa's having a beef with his manager and Dingles having a problem with his warmup we got puns we got puns people of course Dingle cheats and the Penguins of Madagascar and disguise themselves as elves but then you got the actual elves booing at Dingle so there's this bias everywhere if only there was at an intimate object that could be used that serves the purpose of being knocked down by bowling balls what is he a giraffe it's like tingles using the old stomach stretch technique we see you fall flat towards the gutter Wow how is this allowed this is so brazenly fake again cheating oh thank god they aren't all completely stupid and that's the movie I wish but seriously this story has these moments where you feel like the film is over but then it just starts right back up again I can do your mom Oh another classy innuendo we're getting a villian song too in all our years we never been short ten toys let alone six brilliant again you guys have more than enough so Dingle plants evidence on the main Alf in order to create descends and the ranks first to lose come to the toys then you short the machines now you blast me girlfriend that's what she said Dingle trick Santa who goes out to save his elf friend and apparently Santa has the ability to create matter out of nowhere I like how smart Santa is growing out into the ocean to save his friend if only if only he had a way to fly but hmm that doesn't exist so Dingle sabotages the workshop and all hell breaks loose [Music] I love this part in particular because it's so on the nose and everybody takes it for face value Oh stink especially Lex sincerely Santa the partnership is over mind you there's a trickster that's been on the island for over 1400 years but the elves are just that gullible so Dingle takes control of the operation and moves the elves to Fiji yeah this is actually in the movie the elves hop on the plane and fly off to the island we think at this joke about gremlins and Grizzly Adams which no child would understand come on it could have been Grizzly Adams too [Music] let's talk about this elf joy meter for a second we got mega bummer bummer bum okay med okay fine not sure that means happy joy and then ultra merry geez what's after that happy merry and she meets up with this internet geek online of bada-boom she's I can't kill him body shots oh my god that penguin has Teddy's where were you on Noah's Ark and I'm pretty sure that he said tequila body shots this is the best kids movie ever we think got some random lady who just so happens to be on the same flight to Fiji she overhears Dingle talking about how he's gonna be rich and then she makes her move cleavage talk about your stocking stuffers yeah I am funny well let's see no wedding ring ridiculous floating out of it wait a second is she implying that Dingle is a virgin because if so he's been a virgin for over 1400 years yes eat your heart out Steve Carrell Wow he just went for the kiss medical records what this movie does not give a damn check the up festering sores blistering boils using lesions unexplained body odor hellacious halitosis etc charming ah manic depression welcome to the club so this lady has her heart set on being the new first lady of Christmas and decides to join forces with jingle Oh lassie you petrifies me pegleg it makes me hot pound they finally make it to fiji and then we meet this native chief character what even is this movie and who is that the fire goddess from awana [Music] so strudel find Santa and their love for each other frees them they think that or it's one hell of a case of heartburn Santa then takes off to go confront Dingle and set things right he also leaves his wife stranded on the glacier in the process wait don't leave me here hi honey and what a surprise Dingle tricks the elves and hypnotizes them into working at a sweatshop and this next part just blows my mind ladies and gentlemen we get a song about the upsides of slavery I would pay top dollar to see Tom Kenny's face while singing this song so it turns out that the elf never needed the crystal ball to use magic you're starting to get the picture alpha boy how dingo then gives life to these stonehenge heads and for some reason they talk like surfers why the hell not [Music] I still can't get over how Santa talks like a pirate it's so bizarre so Santa and the main elf finally meet up and reconcile I'm gonna take what he just said and post it as a review on Amazon what did he say awesome boonie whatever this movie has officially jumped the shark and here we are with the final conflict Dingell takes off with a sleigh but Santa jumps into action what how about if I kick your butt and take your job hey what's my middle school gym teacher used to say the same thing and so did the high school one in the college fortunately the elf uses the force and dingle falls out of the sleigh [Music] Dingle then throws down one more bowling challenge though at this point in the movie I completely forgot that bowling had anything to do with it but here we are a bowling contest on the island also this is just a repeat of what has already happened before more proof that the film is bloated and should not exist you know yeah it's just simple physics a little Lube and the ball catches on fire because that science how does he not see the fuse it's like right there in front of you how do you not smell it or hear it and how does the explosion not knock down the elves I am so done and with this movie so the exact same thing happens like last time and jingle gets caught cheating and dingo flies off on a rocket to the moon ok [Music] what about me I was supposed to be the first lady of Plattsmouth ooh those are some jiggly boobs hey it's like Reginald the North Pole is repaired because magic and all the kids get their Christmas presents free of charge oh my god this isn't such poor taste what is this movie Detroit oh yeah don't say that we wouldn't want this movie to be inappropriate now would we and on that note the movie is over such a gutterball I'm truly moronic move every cease ball glide towards the gutter [Music] well that was a movie I think all right let's go over my five points first the story again why it was this made nothing of value was created they took a very simple concept and somehow overcomplicated the damn thing for the record it's not impossible to take something simple and create more story from it Angry Birds is pretty straightforward as a game but they were able to make a somewhat competent film with the concept but elf bowling not even close you too wouldn't be pirates number pirates next the editing it's alright nothing bad nothing great just med ok after that there's the dialogue the movie is rated PG and I think that's well deserved it has its fair share of adult humor which honestly caught me off guard I was not expecting to hear about Santa's dick in a movie about ELF bowling rather you keep your hot strudel in your pants the voice acting Tom why were you in this movie you're a pretty wealthy guy and this film was released right around the heart of your spongebob days and that does not even include all of your other roles was the money that good or was this a passion project one of my followers on Twitter by the way follow me on Twitter said that Tom Kenny mentioned this movie at a convention that he got the job and found himself in a crummy neighborhood and he had to record and a run-down apartment now I understand that voice actors have to take jobs that are less than desirable work as work so I don't hold that against Tom it's just so bizarre yeah at least he and everybody else did an alright job despite the weird characters they were assigned Santa ain't coming to town and finally the animation honestly it wasn't that bad I wasn't in love with it but the artists who worked on this film knew what they were doing but I don't understand why these characters have a clay-like texture and design I typically like stylized animation and designs but this just comes across as strange to me not bad just strange also elf nipples [Music] overall this is probably the most competent movie I've reviewed so far with Christmas crap but that puts the movie in an interesting situation the Christmas tree was hilariously bad due to how strange and terrible its quality was I've never seen something so pitiful before there's the nuttiest Nutcracker despite its ugly characters and wacky story was still fun to watch since it was so outrageous to its credit it held my attention and that's because bad films can be fun to watch if they are genuinely bad it can make them endearing in a silly way but of Bolling does not fall into that category on a technical level it was fine I mean I'm not in love with the visuals but you can tell that a professional level of skill went into the animation it basically comes down to the story I don't care about the characters and I don't care about the story and that makes the rest of the film a drag especially since it's over an hour long yeah there are silly moments both intentional and unintentional but it's not enough to make this movie fun be good be bad just don't be boring and that really is the main problem with this movie it's long confusing and boring but next week we come face-to-face with a final review of the series a movie that claims to be comparable to Toy Story spoiler alert it's not No there ain't no way there ain't no way no matter what you say I've had about enough of this Christmas crap oh yeah I forgot to mention there was supposed to be a sequel for this movie called elf bowling the great Halloween pumpkin heist call it a Christmas miracle cuz that movie was cancelled thank God [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Saberspark

Views: 545,704

Rating: 4.9703336 out of 5

Keywords: what the hell, saberspark, saber, review, elf bowling, animation, what the hell is, worst, christmas crap, series, worst christmas movie, bad christmas movie, what the hell is elf bowling, bad movie

Id: IyGeY035B5I

Length: 27min 48sec (1668 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 22 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Saberspark]

Hope you all enjoy this one! If you got any questions or comments, lemme know what you think!

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[u/Nz25000]

"This was like a chick flix except instead of smoking babes dude its a munchkin and a fat guy" * cries *