WE MUST DESTROY SANTA CLAUS

well hello there it's me thought see the slime man and I bring you glad tidings from the war on Christmas something which we on the left are deliberately participating in there have been a lot of victories this year here in Canada we finally made it illegal to say Merry Christmas anywhere but your own home we've gotten Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer to be officially recognized as non-binary Frosty the Snowman is canceled for being white and Starbucks has finally implemented our policy of forcing all of their employees to personally deny Christ and I must remind you all of this is real and also what we on the Left actually want but with these small victories we should not be complacent given our momentum now is the time for us to strike now is the time for us to kill the tyrant Santa Claus the mainstream media would have you believe that Santa Claus is a jolly old elf that brings the children of the world presents each year a benevolent and harmless purveyor of Christmas cheer but do not be fooled beneath this merry exterior lies the cold dead heart of a monster today I will outline the crimes of the terrorist Kris Kringle aka the Santa Claus and then I will suggest methods that we might use to bring him to justice if you accept the party line on the Santa Claus you might think that he makes toys to give to children carefully crafted handmade bespoke toys to delight and amaze all created in his bucolic workshop in the North Pole but I ask you does Santa Claus make these toys no it is the elves who produce the toys and they are entitled to the full value of their labor do you think Santa Claus is saving a portion of the milk and cookies from each child to pay back these elves do you think the elves have any say over their working conditions or the things which they produce from what little we know of elf society elves are forbidden from seeking employment unrelated to toy making Hermey the elf famously was not allowed to become a dentist do the elves have dental care medical care do they have any kind of quality of life whatsoever we don't no because cameras are not allowed within Santa's workshop at entire species of sapient beings that evolved parallel to humanity in slave to the whims of one madman and what does he have them do make toys millions of toys I have in my hand a Nintendo switch delivered to me by Santa Claus himself it makes one wonder what kind of deal did Santa have with Nintendo isn't it a little suspicious that his workshop in the North Pole is able to produce identical effect similes of so many consumer goods shouldn't Nintendo sue him shouldn't all these companies be suing him look a little closer and it all becomes clear you see my switch and many other products supposedly made in the North Pole were actually made in China there's only one rational explanation for this Santa Claus has made some sort of devil's bargain with the Chinese state to provide them with cheap workers and in return they look the other way on his shady labor practices follow the money in one night Santa visits the homes of all of the nice children in the world but who exactly pays the price for this incredible undertaking who hauls his enormous sack of presents containing an incalculable weight flying reindeer at first blush it might seem perfectly normal a group of eight or nine deer can pull a sleigh but these are no ordinary run-of-the-mill flying reindeer they can talk they can reason they can play reindeer games Santa Claus thanks for that thanks for texting got it got a little gun a little Facebook message they're breaking character cool said to Klaus uses some sort of dark Arcana to awaken them why must you do this tonight then to Klaus uses some sort of dark Arcana to awaken the minds of flying reindeer and then chains these intelligent beings to his magic sled and forces them to do his bidding why do the reindeer need to be able to think and form reindeer culture to merely pull a sleigh what kind of malignant sorcerer bestows intelligence on an animal only to trap it in perpetual drudgery and it gets worse when Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was born the other reindeer shunned him they refused to allow him into reindeer Society and who created and cultivated that society who allowed this cruelty this innate disgust for those that are born different perhaps the same man who sorts children into binary categories of naughty or nice the man so arrogant he presumes to stand in judgment of all the world's children then Rudolph's mutation becomes useful for Santa Claus and suddenly the opinion of reindeer society does a complete 180 he could have intervened at any time he sees everything and he chose to allow this to allow his direct subordinates to bully a child for a genetic condition what would have become of this poor child had his nose not been useful to Santa Claus what has become of him now that LED lights have rendered his very shiny nose obsolete the spin doctors at the North Pole would have you believe that Santa Claus delivers presents to all the good little kids on earth but I have it on good authority that non-christian children seldom receive presents from Santa Claus is this your moral pronouncement mr. Kringle that only Christian children can be nice and all others naughty this enormous global enterprise invading all of your homes businesses and lives and it's used exclusively as a bribe to convert children to Christianity they're kids they don't know any better that's not a genuine religious conviction they'll do anything for toys like this thought slime paper crafts away available at patreon.com slash slots perhaps equally troubling the amount of gifts given by Santa Claus correlates 1 to 1 with a wealth of a children's parents are we to assumed therefore that goodness can be measured in dollars mr. Kringle that poor children are morally inferior to rich ones obviously Santa Claus is using his gift-giving to curry favor from the rich and powerful by giving their children extra gifts he's creating an enormous network of off-the-books deals to what purpose we simply don't know who knows what kind of quid pro quo arrangements he's working on behind the scenes all we know is whose interests he serves Santa Claus as a surveillance network that puts all United States intelligence agencies to shame he sees you at all times both when you're awake and troublingly when you're asleep he knows when you were bad and good and urges you to be good from goodness sake that reads to me as a threat he's always watching his eyeballs oh no no not yet Santa Claus has transformed the entire Earth and to a panopticon a prison from which he watches us at all times and thus forces us to self monitor our behavior and make sure it aligns with his personal values lest we received no Christmas gifts he separates us into lists of naughty or nice with no oversight sure he checks them twice does anyone else check them how do we know what behavior puts us on each list Santa has clarified only one rule you better not shout you'd better not cry you'd better not pout I'll tell you why because if you did you might blow the whistle on the psychological trauma of a mysterious old man watching and judging you at all times I mean honestly what kind of abusive forbids children from crying allegedly naughty children are given lumps of coal in their stocking the environmental impact of coal mining is staggering it pollutes the water the air and produces enormous waste the air pollution from coal power causes upwards of 10 million deaths a year so why is Santa Claus participating in this industry it's not that children naturally hate coal if you wanted to punish children with things that they hate you could have used homework or vegetables both of which have the potential to enrich the child's life for health but he chose cold why what connections descent to have with the coal industry if there are none why won't he release his financial records and let people see for themselves I mean don't you think it's a little strange that Santa Claus has discovered faster-than-light weightless air travel a technology that could revolutionize our global transportation industry not to mention make him hundreds of billions of dollars and he's done he sees our world on the brink of climate collapse and not only ignores it but actively exasperates it by funding the coal industry these are the crimes of Saint Nick before we move on to discussing how to destroy him I'd like to give you a little Christmas present it's it's been in my apartment for a while I don't remember buying it it just showed up here one day I don't like looking at it I don't like having it in my house something about it creeps me out sometimes I can hear something inside moving sometimes I place it somewhere only to find it somewhere else oh ho ho and welcome to the eyeball zone I have watched you eat drink and be merry from across the screaming void oh how you laughed each time I visited you you felt safe secure and all the while events have been set in motion that you could not possibly understand and soon very soon my plan will be complete you see something is coming but in the little time that you've got left why not check out goods for the people looking for some last-minute gifts goods for the people as a worker managed cooperative that's just getting started they're designing and selling shirts with leftist adjective particular relevance is this shirt which says I hate capitalism in case you you can't read black metal but I is spelled EU ye consider us pander to use coupon code I've also get no discount whatsoever off your first order just scream eyeballs at your computer just do it we must relinquish our use of this being but know this never again will we cede control back to you thought slime the end is nigh whoa it's a double feature Ghoulies one in two on blu-ray disc thanks Santa it's just what I wanted wait a minute clucking you old man I'm not gonna fall for your bribery okay I'm keep I'm keeping it I'm not giving it back but I'm not won over as far as I can tell Santa Claus has one weakness a compulsive need to devour milk and cookies the solution could not be more obvious poison the milk and cookies in Santa will fall and this this is crucial do not pick up any sort of contracts that his body leaves behind if so you may find yourself cursed to become the new Santa Claus then when his corporeal form is destroyed and he is at his weakest we will storm the North Pole and free the elves therein with the elves by our side we will have access to one of the world's most capable workshops if they can make iPhones and Playstations they can make rifles and batons and grenades then the war on Christmas can truly we will sweep this earth burning every pine tree melting all snowmen snow women snow non-binary people even the snow children will not be spared we will commandeer his sleigh and therefore the means to visit our wrath on all celebrants our reindeer will deliver not presence but justice red nosed and black nosed alike crowned heads wealth and privilege will tremble when the black and red noses unite [Music] hey thanks for watching this one I don't know what I did in this video this was a Lulu the weird one if you if you press the like button that helps me out so that's the thing you can do if you want to help me out there's an option for you you can visit patreon.com slash thought slime if you want to kick me some money no presh no biggie not a big deal don't worry about it you can catch me on twitch.tv slash thought slime every Thursday at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time except for yesterday because I was flying home to Newfoundland to see my family for Crimmins [Music]

Channel: undefined

Views: 64,893

Rating: 4.9321489 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: wA6o9096l1o

Length: 14min 42sec (882 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 20 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

"Frosty the Snowman has been canceled for being white"

[u/Solidarity64]

Why are we cancelling Christmas Karl Marx?

[u/Jozarin]

I mean honestly, what kind of abusive fuck forbids children from crying?

Finally! Someone else points this out. That line has always bothered me.

[u/en_travesti]

This is the best thing since Sam Seder tortured an elf