Verbal Abuse in Relationships: What it is and How to Stop It

we are going to talk about verbal abuse and emotional abuse what the difference is and also a kind of communication that is still unpleasant and disconnecting and hurtful but that doesn't necessarily fall under the category of abuse i'm going to break this down for you guys and the purpose of this talk today is to clear up some misconceptions you know draw a line between two kinds of abuse that are used interchangeably there is some gray area it's not a big thing to sweat but i get this question a lot like what's the difference between verbal abuse and emotional abuse and how do i know if that's what's happening how do i know if that's what i'm doing or how do i know for sure that that's what my partner is doing um where is the line because sometimes there is a type of communication that feels really bad and you walk away feeling confused and you wonder if it's abuse or not and so what i want is to shed some light on that and give you not only an understanding just intellectually and theoretically about what the difference is but then what you can do about it how you can find alternatives for yourself if this is something that you're doing and also how to sidestep it if your partner is doing it to you to recognize what the maneuvers are recognize what what the things are the actual tactics the actual um things that are happening and then recognizing it ahead of time or being prepared ahead of time to not get triggered by it or get hooked in by it because a lot of times people get hooked in so quickly and they don't even realize this is happening and things have escalated before you even realize that you've made the choice to enter into a conversation that was set up to fail so if you're aware of what these things are then you can get ahead of it and recognize it when it happens and be prepared to step around it or to draw some lines for yourself verbal abuse is really specific tactics it's the use of language to to hurt another person it's like crossing a line verbally so how i describe it is you know the use of language to hurt another person and speaking violently and that also includes discounting so it can be like a direct attack verbally or it can be the use of language to completely undermine or discredit or deconstruct the premise of what the other person is saying and that can be abusive as well this is real clear for most people name calling is obviously verbal abuse anytime you're you know negatively name-calling another person that's verbal abuse but it doesn't have to be just direct names it can also just be negative labels like a character label like stupid or selfish you know where your your broad strokes defining the character of the other person with words that can be abusive as well so that's pretty obvious most people are aware of that when we think of verbal abuse we know that that's what that is the rest is not as clear though like for example condescension or sarcasm so you know a comment like let me see if i can dumb this down for you you know that's obviously a put down it's sarcastic the intention behind it is condescending it's a superior stance that you're taking with another person and you're putting them down with your language um you know if you say something like okay sorry what is it that you don't understand what is it that you don't understand about what i just said you know in that kind of tone that sort of harshness that that sarcasm can be used um to hurt the other person now this is on the fence like you know you can use sarcasm in a lighthearted way you can use sarcasm sometimes just to have a little bit of edge and you know that you can do that in the relationship and it's fine right it depends on what the rules of the relationship are but i personally don't really like sarcasm i don't like it when i see my kids doing it um i feel like it's a really slippery slope and it's a way of not really owning what you're exactly saying criticism is also verbally abusive because it's globalizing a person's character it's not the same thing as a complaint so if you complain let's say you don't like something and you're complaining about it and you're just focusing on the thing at hand just the thing that you're annoyed by that's a complaint but when you link it up with the person's character and say this is what they're always doing because they're lazy or because they're selfish or because they don't care about anybody else or because you know whatever it is that you know you believe about whatever negative narrative you have about the person if you are kind of connecting all the dots and globalizing about what this person is like and you're insisting on that that is verbally abusive um i know we don't often often think of criticism as verbal abuse but it's it is because it's it's literally like verbally berating another person and telling them negative things about themselves and there's just there's nothing constructive that comes from it there's no purpose that it serves it's not something that you can do anything with it's not a request it's not something you can't win right if you're being criticized there's nothing you can do with that um except you know get defensive or try to explain and say no that's not really who i am um and people walk away from criticism feeling really battered emotionally direct put downs obviously are verbally abusive um saying things like you're nothing without me nobody would put up with you um you know really just putting down the other person's character you this can be done in in a myriad of ways you can be creative about this you might have examples in your own relationship but when the person is directly putting you down and saying that you're nothing saying that you're less than obviously that's verbally abusive another thing that's verbal abuse is just straight up screaming and yelling and super high intensity and expecting the other person to absorb that energy even if what you're saying or what they're saying isn't about you like because sometimes people will say well i was just really upset and it wasn't even about them i wasn't i wasn't mad at them but if they're still expecting to yell and scream and have that person listen and give them their full attention and just receive that negative energy and absorb that that's crossing a line i think that that's abusive too um threats are also verbal abuse it you know saying things like i'm going to hurt myself if you leave or i'm going to call your boss and i'm going to tell them these things about you that are going to humiliate you that's verbal abuse as well and this is about control right threatening to control the other person so that you can get what you want even at their expense at the expense of their willpower at the expense of their autonomy at the expense of their dignity anytime that you're getting threats that control you um and you feel that you have to go along with something because otherwise you're going to have to pay for it in the form of embarrassment or humiliation or some other horrible fallout it might be the kids like i'm going to tell the kids this about you or i'm going to tell them what you told me or you know something that would out you or make you feel exposed with people that wouldn't have that information otherwise that's emotional and verbal abuse so that's verbal abuse there's six things name calling sarcasm which condescension i kind of put in that as well criticism direct put downs straight up yelling and screaming and threats that's verbally abusive now emotional abuse how i describe this is less about the use of language or tactics and more about the intention to control or manipulate using somebody's emotions using their sensitivities using their vulnerabilities using what you know about that person in order to control them with their emotions that's what emotional abuse is um and it's and it's usually to get what you want and it's not in their best interest so for example a guilt trip or shaming somebody into doing what you want is emotionally abusive a lot of parents do this to their kids they guilt-trip their kids into doing what they want um wearing their hair a certain way or dressing a certain way or doing certain things for the parents just because if you don't you're going to be guilted and you're going to be made to feel like you're a horrible selfish person so guilt trips is an example um threatening to do something humiliating which i said also falls under the verbal category also isolating this is an example of well maybe this isn't really a threat but if you're isolating your spouse by causing a problem or a fight every time they go hang out with their friends um or if if your partner is telling you really bad things about your best friend or your friends or your family and making you second guess or causing drama every time they come around and they're just not hanging out with their friends and family now just to keep the peace i consider that emotional abuse as well making it so that they don't have any other source of information or input or stimulation or interaction or connection outside of you and that that's your need but it's not their need right that's abuse um acting i think this is something i i put this in here if you or your partner is always acting unhappy and just vibing constant disapproval and the message is you're the reason that i'm so unhappy all the time because you're not doing anything right i think of that as emotional abuse as well because you're creating a hostile environment you're creating a biosphere an energetic container that is communicating you're not it's not enough this is really shitty and it's all your fault you know that kind of attitude that can come from that can come from nonverbal communication that can come from stonewalling and i'm going to get into that in a minute but it's just that constant disapproval if you are trying to be recognized for something that you did differently or you're trying to offer something positive or a value and they just won't give you that satisfaction or they won't ever let you know that you have positively contributed to something or that you've added value in any way i think of that as emotional abuse too and another thing is not taking ownership and and always deflecting these kind of go hand in hand so i could just say deflection which you can't really deflect unless you're um stepping out of taking full responsibility for yourself so this can be turning the tables you know i wouldn't have been late if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have done that if you hadn't done this right just deflecting ownership constantly saying things like you know you don't get to say anything to me about yelling at the kids when you yelled at the kids two months ago right just turning the tables as a way of refusing to take ownership of whatever is being raised changing the subject to get the heat off of you and on to them this is obviously a defensive maneuver and there's a lot of different defensive maneuvers that can do this um but i think that and and it's normal to be defensive like everybody gets defensive sometimes but what i'm talking about is chronically chronically deflecting and always table turning and never taking the feedback never hearing the validity of another person's concerns or feelings or observations and constantly turning it back on the other person i think if this is abusive because it erodes good will and you're positioning yourself as an opponent and it's it's just a countering negative rejecting intention so if you're in doubt you know like um is what i'm doing abusive or do i think that my spouse is being abusive to me in these ways emotionally what you want to get clear on is what is the intention behind it if the intention behind what they're saying is to deflect or if the intention behind what they're saying is to get you to now defend yourself so that you don't have to like actually take accountability that's not a connecting intention that's not a loving intention that is not a an intention that would support a healthy partnership you're not your intention is not to share your feelings your intention is not to reveal yourself or be transparent to the other person your intention is simply to counter or negate the other thing that i see all the time is undermining or invalidating what your spouse is saying all the time like saying saying things to your spouse for the purpose of showing them how ridiculous they sound or how ridiculous they are like you're so sensitive and if you feel that way if you think that if you're if this is something that bothers you that's just ridiculous that's petty that is so small-minded and you just trivialize their concerns all the time you are trivializing what they care about you are deciding that what they're concerned about or what they're raising or what they're saying at all is stupid and you're just waving it away and the intention behind it is to um get them to stop you know like i don't want to be held accountable so i'm going to make you look stupid for bringing it up or it could be just because i get i get something out of actually putting you down or because i'm uncomfortable with the part of me that's that i have to look at when i when i hear you bring that up so there's a lot of different reasons why these things happen so you want to look at what's the intention behind it that's what's going to tell you if it's abusive or not the other thing that happens with emotional abuse is embarrassing you in public making fun of you to the checkout person or telling a joke at your expense with a group of friends and this might happen inadvertently like oh i thought you would think it was funny like that can happen but if you tell your spouse that wasn't funny to me i didn't like that that made me feel embarrassed and then you keep doing it and you just tell them that they're being too sensitive and you think it's funny that's abusive it's abusive because if the joke is at their expense and it's about them and they don't think it's funny then you're just putting your need to tell a joke about another person ahead of how that makes them feel and there's actually no good reason to ever do that there would never be a reason that that would be okay or that that would be somehow more important in a healthy relationship to insist on telling a joke that i know you think is not funny at your expense and then keep telling you that it's actually funny and that you just are too sensitive to understand how funny it is like that really makes me mad when i see people doing that the other thing that i think of is emotional abuse that is not overtly like attacking but it's like refusing to give any understanding if you see that your spouse or partner is trying so hard to be understood they're trying really hard to explain if something is impacting them a certain way or they're trying to share something about themselves whether it's a raw spot or just something that happened to them that has nothing to do with you and you they're trying to be understood and you're just not going to give it to them like you're going to not give them empathy you're going to not understand them you're going to act like you don't understand what they're saying chronically again this might happen as a one-off but if it's something that's happening all the time and if you are somebody that you notice every time you're trying to earnestly answer a rhetorical question and they're not going to actually hear your answer or anytime that you are earnestly trying to put your best foot forward and have a healthy conversation and have a difficult conversation about something sensitive and they're just not going to give you that understanding it's like the withholding of connection the withholding of giving you the thing that i want you that i think that you want the most that can be emotionally abusive if the intention is to keep the upper hand if the intention is i don't want to understand what they're saying i don't want to give them the feeling of understanding them and actually saying you know i hear what you're saying and that kind of makes sense i can see where you're coming from if you don't want to give that to the other person because that would give them power or that that would somehow make you wrong if that's the reason why that you're not able to give that then that's i think that that's a an abusive behavior and you have to be very careful with that this is also really big with narcissists is just that chronic invalidation now i think if you're really strong and you've healed the adaptive child within yourself and you have done your own inner work you're not going to need your partner to validate you you're not going to feel like you're putting your whole well you know your whole sense of well-being into their hands but still what is the point why would you want to be super close to someone if they never understood what you were talking about you know what i'm saying how can they love you if they don't even understand what you're saying so that's something to be aware of this also kind of blends really well into the next point the the other way that emotional abuse comes up is gas lighting people talk about gas lighting all the time and i think people misuse this term gas lighting gaslighting is when you are intentionally denying the reality of the other person or um making them question their own perceptions and you know that it's true that's what gaslighting is gaslighting is denying what you know is real now if you're denying what you don't know is real that's not the same thing as gaslighting but if you know it's real let's say you're lying to your spouse and you know that you did and they're calling you on it and you're just denying it and making them doubt themselves that's gaslighting it's basically just lying but it's a chronic pattern of behavior that is like the person is feeding off of the invalidation of the other person so it's very pathological it's not just a blind spot where it's like oh i wasn't aware of that i wasn't aware of that that's what i was actually doing you know and or i wasn't i hadn't been honest with myself yet so that's why i hadn't told you that's not the same thing as gaslighting gas lighting is really intentionally denying what is real chronically and having no problem whatsoever with you questioning your sanity and i think it's just really cruel and pathological but i do think people overuse this term not everybody that invalidates you is a gaslighter now here's something else that i think of as emotional abuse that we don't often think of which is the silent treatment and complete stonewalling now sometimes people stonewall because they are scared of what's going to come out of their mouth and it's the best they can do but if you're stonewalling because you are trying to maintain the upper hand and you are trying to mess with your spouse or because you are trying to retaliate and they are doing everything in their power to try to reconnect with you or try to repair and you're stonewalling for days at a time that's emotional abuse because you are ignoring the the emotions or you're you're being very careless and hurtful with the emotions of your spouse on purpose now then i think that there's another category of communication that's destructive and disconnecting that you can walk away from feeling like that felt really bad i don't feel good about that and i don't know why and you're left wondering like it wasn't i wasn't being name-called i wasn't being criticized i wasn't being gaslit but i'm walking away from that interaction feeling really bad and so i want to i kind of went through my mental list of things that i have noticed that come up that that fall into this gray area that i think will be really helpful to recognize and again we're looking at the intention behind the communication that that is what matters the most so one of the things that i do not engage in this is a boundary for me is i don't engage rhetorical questions that are designed to prove me wrong so and you don't always know if that's what they're for but rhetorical questions can be in that gray area because they're not they're not supposed to help you resolve something they are to show you like a rhetorical question would be something where it's like did you did you or did you not do this thing like did you or did you not leave the dishes out yes i left the dishes out did you say that you were going to put them away yes i did say that i was going to put them away okay so was it that you decided to blow me off and not keep our agreement or was it that you just forgot like you always do because you don't care like do you see how the questions just led to a battering like it's like i can guide you down this road with these questions that when you answer those questions it sets me up it's like a punch line rhetorical questions set you up to be smacked basically verbally and so a lot of times and so be on the lookout for that if the question is not serving gaining greater clarity if you don't know where the question is going if you feel uncomfortable asking the question because there's a premise underneath a question that you don't agree with um especially if it's a yes no question you know it's like in the court in a court of law they have all the power asking the questions you're forced to answer a question that you don't even agree with the premise of so you lose no matter how you answer the question so i would avoid rhetorical questions and be on the lookout for that within yourself sometimes people do that not because they're trying to be abusive but because that's the only way they feel like they can prove a point right you're just trying to prove a point you're just trying to be right and that's where we're getting to like losing strategies losing strategies aren't necessarily abusive but they definitely don't work and they're not helpful and they should be avoided the other thing that i notice is like statements that will shut the conversation down that are rejecting bids for connection so for example if you're sharing something about let's say you're sharing something about your childhood with your spouse you're driving and you see something outside you're like oh this reminds me and you share something and you're and you're sharing it from a place of wanting to connect or talk and your spouse says something like yes i know you already told me that before you already told me that before you don't need to tell me that again it's just a complete shutdown and it's a rejection of a bid for connection it's not abusive like it might be factually right but what is the intention behind that statement that state that the intention behind that statement structurally is not connecting um and so this is where we get into fights with people is because if let's say you do that and your spouse responds in that way and you're like well that that wasn't very nice you know and then you want to try to show them what they did that was wrong that made that hurt your feelings and then they deny it because they feel like well i'm just i'm just saying what's true right but it's not a neutral observation it's not a neutral observation there is a reason the statement is being said and it is to shut the conversation down it is to say i don't want to hear it again i've already heard it um and so because other why else would you say it otherwise right um also and this is this is the next thing as i was going to mention is comments that sound like a neutral observation but they're actually a judgment like oh you're late you know it's like that's not a big deal that's a huge thing right you can say that in a light-hearted way but like i'm just i'm just saying hey this thing that here's what i saw and i'm just observing it quote unquote in a neutral neutral way but there's a reason why i'm saying and i'm highlighting something that you didn't do right or i'm highlighting something that you did wrong or i'm saying something and i'm trying to pass it off like it's just a neutral observation but there's a point behind it that i am not acknowledging i'm not owning the reason i'm saying it or they're not owning the reason that they're saying it it's just subtle it leaves you feeling not that good but it's not something that you could necessarily put your finger on and say you're being an right because you're not really if you're just saying something that's actually factually true but based on when it is said and based on the effect that it has on the conversation and based on what your intention is that's how it's going to land defensive maneuvers i talked about this before examples of this are obviously i use the example of table turning um but it can also be like um yes but uh or well you know i don't like it when you do this so there like i'm just going to shut it down it's just a complete rejection it's a complete block you're just constantly blocking what the other person is offering at a time when you actually could have a deeper connection and that hurts the relationship um it it can also be like just in the gray area if it's not chronic this is the thing that i want you to be aware of maybe it's not chronic but if it happens enough where you're just not feeling like you're in that ratio of five to one positive negative at least because of little things like this that are getting in the way this could make the difference you know between feeling like you have a solid connection and sometimes you're just not as connected versus things just don't ever feel that good it's not like anything is really bad but things just are not feeling very good right now that's what that's why i'm highlighting this right now also i think globalizing character and insisting on a negative narrative about that person doesn't have to be abusive necessarily but if you're insisting like well that's just how are you how you are and they're like well no not always like sometimes i you know recently i've been really making efforts in that way and you're just insisting no that's just how i know that is that's who you are that is what you always do or and you're doing it in that you're not doing it to fight but you're just insisting and you're telling them about them that's a boundary violation it doesn't it's not necessarily abusive but it's crossing a line it's a losing strategy it doesn't feel good and it's not constructive and it actually generates defensiveness and hurts people's feelings also speaking for the other person um this is kind of along the same line when you're insisting on a narrative about that person and who they are if you're making a lot of you statements if you're speaking for their intentions their goals their reasons their feelings their thoughts and i used to do this all the time this is what i think you're doing this is why i think you're doing it and i'm and i'm pretty sure that that's what's going on like uh you know like here's what's going on with you here's what your reasons are and here's why you're doing that that's not constructive it's not connecting it's not helpful and it's not appropriate it's not healthy and especially if you need them to agree with you and will get upset if they don't agree with you um sarcasm and digs obviously you know just saying things like you know making just a a barbie comment it's like i'm gonna like get a dig in on you and it's not a big deal and we're basically on good terms but i'm gonna say you know oh i love love the way that the dandruff looks on your coat you know it really matches your purse or you know just something like that like where it's not it's sarcastic and it's it's too much edge sometimes you have to read that though if you're with someone who is cool with that great but if it's not landing it's not going to support a healthy connection and it will leave people feeling bad so if your spouse is telling you that and you're denying it and you're saying it's just not that big of a deal you really have to listen i also noticed that this this is another losing strategy is asking a question that's really just a statement like why did you do that i'm just wondering just tell me why did you do that and and then if they answer you you know they can't really answer it correctly right if they if they can't answer what you're asking correctly it's not a real question there's no way for them to win like just tell me why did you do that i would never do that to you right if i'm asking the question just to show them that they were wrong and i want to understand why they did it because i'm taking issue with it and no answer that they give me could possibly um explain it away or satisfy me then it's not a real question it's a statement that i'm just not saying it's an ex it's um an experience or some feedback that i need to be offering or some you know transparency that i need to be offering but instead of doing that i'm going to ask them a question and i guess you could cons you could consider this a rhetorical question but i think a lot of times people don't think of this as a rhetorical question they think of it as a real question they think if i could just understand it then i wouldn't judge it so please help me understand why did you do that why did you not do that thing right but if everything they tell you is not satisfactory to you you have to ask yourself why am i actually asking this question i'm really trying to make a point so why don't i just make that point instead of battering them verbally in order to make that point right because really the the deeper intention is to show them how they're wrong um and it's just a no-win situation it's not healthy and then the last thing i want to mention in this gray area that could become abusive if it was chronic but as a one-off is still a losing strategy is when you poke holes in on technicalities in what they're saying or if you feel that your partner is poking holes in technicalities on what you're saying when like purposely looking for something that they can take issue with as opposed to listening to the spirit and intention behind what you're saying it's almost like they're blocking the opportunity for connection or you might be doing it i mean this goes to you know either option but anytime you're trying to poke holes in the premise of what somebody is trying to say the intention is not connecting the intention is not constructive the intention is not healing and so what is the intention and that's really what it all comes down to so for all of this especially i mean verbal abuse is pretty clear what the intention is but with emotional abuse and with this category of gray area like hurtful comments or hurtful ways of responding to each other the fastest way to break the cycle is to really get clear on what the intention is now if you're the one doing it if you're listening to this and you're like i do that sometimes then the antidote for you is to get very clear on what your intention is all the time like all the time be thinking even before you bring something up before you respond be clear inside your own self and this is easier said than done because we half the time are communicating unconsciously and we're not even aware of what our intentions are unless somebody asks us so you want to get really good at wondering what is my intention behind what i'm about to say or about what i'm about to ask is it to deconstruct is it to prove a point is it to be right is it to block a bid for connection is it to reject is it to retaliate and to be really honest with yourself about what it is without judgment like it's okay just it just recognize it and commit to not doing it anymore if you want your relationship to be better i mean you don't have to do this but it will help your relationship and if you're listening to this and you're somebody who is on the receiving end of this then what you can do is you can ask your partner if they start to cross a line and they start to like criticize you or they start to take issue with you or turn the tables on you or ask rhetorical questions or you feel baited by them you can just ask them like what is it that you are wanting right now what was the intention behind what you just said what was the intention behind the question that you just asked give them an opportunity like to own it and and to think about it and to get clear because they're going to either own it or they're going to deny it and then if they deny it and it doesn't work for you then you need to step out of the conversation don't engage don't engage with someone who is not aware of their own intentions to disconnect or to block an attempt at connection whatever the case may be and just decide like for yourself i will only engage in communication that is productive and constructive that allows us both to have our dignity and anything that does not fit that criteria as soon as i recognize that that's what's happening i will step out of that first i will give a prompt or i'll give a reminder you know you are responsible for your own boundaries because you can say to your spouse and this is this is speaking to the question of like how do we get it to stop how do we stop verbal or emotional abuse the truth is is that we can't stop anybody else from verbally abusing us we can't stop anybody else from doing or saying what they're going to do but what we can do and we have we can communicate a boundary but it's not going to work unless we hold it ourselves it's up to us like just communicating it is great like okay this is not okay with me fantastic now you've communicated what's not okay with you what are you gonna do the next time they cross the line that's where the boundary gets held and so you can be really clear like next time you do that next time you ask me a rhetorical question or next time you turn the tables on me i will ask you what your intention is or i'll i will you know call it out and then if it still continues or if i still feel like we're not getting anywhere then i will accept that my attempt at having this communication isn't going to work right now and so i'm going to step out of the conversation i accept that this is how you're responding to me and i won't engage it any further and then you you have to be aware of these things you know you have to be mentally prepared not to try to like avoid it and hope it doesn't happen but almost to have the attitude of like bring it like bring it on the next time that happens i'm going to be ready and i'm going to get an opportunity to practice it so the problem is the opportunity the problem is the opportunity to not um stop it from happening but to bring your light of awareness into the situation next time so that you have a choice to respond differently that is what's going to disrupt the pattern that's what's going to catalyze transformation it only takes two or three times of disrupting that you know pattern that you might be in with your spouse where it's not going to feed them anymore especially if it if they're overtly abusive and you know you're not feeding that anymore and this is especially true if you're if you think that your spouse is a narcissist you know you don't want to supply them with your energy anymore because they're getting something out of that they're getting something out of one-upping you they're getting something out of verbally thrashing you they're getting something out of making you second-guess it yourself and and being um you know just like taking that superior stance they have to be engaging you to get that hit and so if you step out of it and withdraw your energy and attention you won't be feeding it anymore that's the first step now i know that that's easier said than done and i know that there's some of you listening to this that already get this but the challenge is then you have to deal with your own emotions then you have to walk away without getting what you wanted from the conversation then you have to walk away with the acceptance of that didn't work i didn't get the i didn't get what i wanted from that conversation i didn't get the the understanding i wanted i didn't get the commitment i was hoping to get i didn't get the healing or just the resolution that i was looking for and now i have to go regulate myself around those feelings to hold my old boundary and to hold my own boundary and to no longer feed the dynamic that isn't working for me anymore that's the hard part because you know the only way to stop verbal abuse and emotional abuse from being effective or being part of it at all being on the receiving end of it at all if you're in a relationship that has some potential you will be able to disrupt that pattern you will be able to disengage from it and that person if they're not pathologically narcissistic or abusive they will adjust and they will find a new way to dance with you and you will have a better relationship but it's probably not going to come until you're willing to be uncomfortable first in saying i know that this might be happening i know that i can't necessarily stop it from happening but i can prepare myself to recognize what it looks like um be ready for it record know for myself what are the situations where this might crop up and then know how i'm going to respond and start practicing it you know you can't just have an insight and expect that that's going to immediately translate to muscle memory that you're immediately going to have it in your gut your whole body is now going to just follow suit from your insights because we know that you know we have to practice anything to learn it we have to build it into our muscle memory so that it becomes part of our programming whether we're driving a stick shift or whether we're snowboarding or whether we're learning any new skill of any kind it takes practice and it takes you know failure it takes trying and not succeeding so that you can find your way find your balance build the muscle memory build the stamina and you have to be willing to do that for a period of time and then once you've cleaned up your side and you feel that it's still happening and you still feel like you're on the receiving end of emotional and verbal abuse and you've cleaned up your side and you've held your own boundaries and it's still happening then i think you have enough information to recognize what the limits are but we don't know what the limits of a relationship are until we clean up our side 100 percent once we've done that and we know we and that's uncomfortable because then we have to be willing to be spoken to in a way we don't want to be spoken to and not respond in a way that is not in alignment with our values all right you guys i think that's it if you have any other questions let me know i'm glad that was helpful greta and for any of you that are listening later that have not been here live i still will be coming back and going through the comments and answering any questions that come in here

Channel: Monika Hoyt

Views: 14,864

Keywords: Monika Hoyt, marriage problems, Healthy Relationships, Verbal abuse, verbal abuse in marriage, how to stop verbal abuse, Verbal abuse in relationships, how to stop verbal bullying, what is verbal abuse, what is verbal abuse in a relationship, what is verbal bullying, what is verbal abuse in a marriage, emotional abuse, what is emotional abuse, how to stop emotional abuse, emotional manipulation signs, emotional manipulation tactics, emotional abuse in relationships

Id: UFvSva0VbAE

Length: 37min 49sec (2269 seconds)

Published: Sat May 01 2021