Trae Crowder: Dumb People Town

here's the headline giving the middle finger is a quote god-given right says Quebec judge stick around hey town he's welcome to another episode of dumb people Town population absolutely glad to be back yeah I mean every time I come here it feels like homecoming to me right I feel like I grew up in dumb people town I mean we did too we grew up in them you have made a career on be lying your accent I really do believe that is like the core and are we being accentist I think we are people are yeah yes I mean that's kind of the whole thing with me I mean some even like people that don't know anything about me sometimes I'll just say like a multi-syllabic word yeah five dollar words sometimes for example multi syllabus is that a word yeah it literally I was like is that a word I feel like I've said this before with you but it's it's always the Billy Wayne Davis joke for me where he says uh when somebody says can I tell you a joke and he goes I don't know is it based on my dialect yeah what are your assumptions of what you think I would want to hear oh no it happens all the time that happened to you all the time we actually uh me and Corey and Drew the guys that I you know tour with and the well-read yeah we've also been on the show we uh actually did a sketch about that like an internet sketch about that thing because it was you know happening to us and still does we're like if you're in a bar in some other City people are here you're at here this accident start talking to you have to come over you pretty much know what's coming every time like it just happened to me to buddy's wedding in Denver a few weeks ago this white lady at a bar heard me talking next thing you know she's talking about how black lives matter is ruining the downtown area yeah yeah you're like not on the same page it's a light bulb that goes off in their head that says he's one of us yeah right yeah just don't this is okay yeah you'll love it you'll love it you'll love this well I love that you're here I think you helped break down stupid Behavior better than anybody and we need you right now so I'm gonna jump into story so I think the last time you did it was zoom in the studio but Dan had all three stories we're doing it differently now we switched over and now I get us he's a Randy special you ready yeah and I love this because it takes place in Quebec but it could be the South sure the United States so many times we've done Midwestern dialects for something that took place in Australia I know this England we need a good like French Canadian good oh yeah with Australia I feel like that happens a lot Australia Australia in Bush or Kentucky it's like the South and also the Florida of rice so you ready this is sent in by our buddy Jake Rooney at Jake Rooney g r o n thanks buddy thanks buddy sends in a lot of good ones here is the uh here and and I again I don't know this is one thing that as we go through the story I don't know if the judge is dumb or the guy or everything is the way it should be this is like I'm gonna need your guys help on this thing here's the headline giving the middle finger is a quote god-given right says Quebec judge I'm literally you were going to end that sentence with says local man yeah no yeah that's Quebec Justice former says my uncles aren't Quebec right right I thought you're gonna says disgraced PE teacher right it says stepdad is being led to while being led Away by cops says Little League baseball coach and handcuffs yeah so giving someone the middle finger is a god-given right that belongs to all Canadians says intoxicated bus driver while kids are filed on a bus says Zamboni driver who just drove into the boards I mean so I feel I just love god-given right because the thing is God gave it to us as a former Christian that respects people hey as long as you're not hurting anybody you love what you love yep but uh love the music yeah but Rich Mullins wait have you seen the hill Hillsong documentary yeah yeah yeah do you know what that is no Hillsong church was India that dude's awesome I mean he's horrible yeah so it one of the fundamentals is that like you have free will you have free choice you choose Jesus Christ as your lord and say whatever right so I love it I love when people go it's a god-given right because there's so many things that if that if God set all this up and gave people free will he's like I didn't know you guys were gonna do that right that actually isn't one of the you chose that I didn't give that one to you there's you guys are making a lot of decisions on their own so I do believe and I don't know how much you've traveled up in the Canada tray but like I believe that there are obviously Canada is not all one thing but there are like two candidates there's hockey Canada right if you've ever watched the amazing that's almost all of it sure Z that is you can find that everywhere there's hockey Canada and then there's like nice can't like everyone in Canada is so nice you just don't sure unless you're in a hospital match or a rodeo in Calgary you don't imagine people just flipping people off in Canada right am I right we definitely yeah that's definitely the stereotype we have I'm one of the funniest so I've only been on the western part of Canada okay Vancouver Edmonton Calgary okay I haven't done the eastern part by like uh I was there with Corey and during one of the funniest heckles I've heard because of context was in one of those Canadian cities Drew was on stage talking about how he was a high school quarterback and some guy in the crowd was like oh yeah right or something like that and Drew was like which he was he was a very good high school but he's like you know he's not that tall and whatever else so he then just starts you know tearing into this guy like I thought Canadians were supposed to be polite what the [ __ ] you expect that [ __ ] from dumb ass Americans but I come up here and I think there'd be a little decorum you know whatever he does this whole tirade thing gets a little bit of life or whatever but he goes on for a minute and then he stops and it's super quiet and then you hear very distinctly the exact same voice from the crowd go sorry sorry I'm sorry yeah and then like that just killed you know but yeah you're right there's also like the ones that he waited for the right time yeah Canadians are funny I mean like Canadians are hilarious that is a great like timing Heckle because most people wait don't you think he meant it or was he really sorry or was he making a joke I think that like he genuinely I think he was genuinely sorry but also was probably self-aware about it yeah right perfect joke at the perfect time so in his ruling Quebec Court Judge Dennis gallace galasatos you did your best that's all you tried g-a-l-i-a Galia satos Galia satos wrote that not only he wrote this in like a uh an opinion well he obviously loves to flick people off Not only was Neil Epstein with two L's Neil Epstein Neil waiting n-e-i-l-l-n-e-a-a-l-l and I would is that mean the extra L is for loser [ __ ] I've known I mean I tend to go by Daniel you know professionally and all this stuff but I've met a double n Dan and I'm like why are you double and damn yeah d-a-n-n the clip that keeps coming up on my Tick Tock is the Step Brothers pam pam yeah that's hilarious yeah that's it but maybe he's Neal Neal uh found him not guilty the fact that he was arrested and prosecuted at all was bewildering Injustice he got arrested for flipping the birds I mean I agree with that Steve that's really all he did going Stone Cold with it I don't know if you do it to a preschool maybe that's obscene I don't know at least this is the first thing if you don't leave this is the opinion of Judge colors or dicks right yeah dude that's right some of them are just they pooping in their own seats and stuff but the truth is maybe this become this guy becomes the judge Galia Santos becomes the official judge of dumb people town because I'm going to read the opinion quote to be abundant abundantly clear it is not a crime to give someone the finger the judge wrote wrote in his February 24th ruling flipping the proverbial bird how much do you love her proverbial bird I mean that's the title of this episode The proverbial bird flipping the proverbial bird is a god-given charter enshrined right that belongs to every red-blooded Canadian have you heard the term red-blooded Canadian or red blood and American right yeah and we do like export like that brand of our dumbass or anything right yeah you know what I mean one of the greatest exports yeah right yeah number one arguably so I thought Canadians were cold-blooded creatures uh it may not be civil it may not be polite it may not be gentlemanly nevertheless it does not trigger criminal liability this is the news I agree right that's right police arrested Epstein uh a teacher [Applause] that's when I knew it was dumb people down when I heard that on May 18 2021 as he returned home from a walk early in the day he had run into a neighbor Michael nachache nacc today naccachel I like that bread that's really thin that's oh the Chacha bread yeah there were olives in it so expensive at arawan Rosemary all right so who lived in the same Beaconsfield Quebec Street and with whom he had had previous conflict be sure this guy has beef yeah right the Chacha swore it Epstein and threatened him while holding a power tool in a menacing way so drill up like let's go [ __ ] is this a fellow teacher no a neighbor a neighbor is a nature is a neighbor yeah I think it's the judge I think it's in Spanish by the way Joni loves nachachi sword him finally a power tool I wish we knew what I wish we knew what power tool it was would you want any I mean I don't but like that's a radial saw I mean yeah Saul's definitely more threatening oh I mean it's a staple gun I mean it easily just could have been a wrench it says power power no power power wrench are there any power wrenches it's just like a torque wrench yeah you know so there you go all right the judge found Epstein replied with two middle fingers and kept on walking so he didn't say anything flipped up which is like the the mid-stride and the double burner to hold it this other bird maybe always Stone Cold Steve Austin oh hell yeah on your way on your way back I didn't say a word is this the most Canadian fight ever some guy's got a power tools like [ __ ] you [ __ ] the other one like actually flips them off and moves on nachache alleged that Epstein also made it a throat slashing gesture and he learned and he feared that Epstein would try and come back and kill him flip them off double you're holding them how about saying yeah and you threatened right the instigator is the dude with the power tool okay it's talking [ __ ] you can't get arrested for a neck slap that's like a 15-yard penalty yeah right that's all that is in the game that's taunting the 15 yards Sportsman like conduct but it's not an arrestable effect right he's not targeting not a game all right so he this is so good that he's going to come in and the judge did not accept that claim wait again you're the guy holding the drill what are you doing on what basis did he fear that Epstein was a potential a potential murderer the fact that he goes on quiet walks with his kids that says that no I think this is me I don't know maybe the fact that he's socialized with other young parents on the street if that's the stand no this is this is what he wrote the Judgment yeah this is the fact that he went on quiet walks with his kids the fact that he socialized with the other young parents on the street if that is the standard we should all fear that our neighbors are killers in Waiting oh this judge straight up mocking power saw brother he's also like having his big moment this is like McConaughey in a time so now do you want to hear a little history time to kill yeah McConaughey and all right so neighboring quarreling the incident was the culmination of a series of interactions between the two men and members of their families so now this is a family-wide thing we gotta feed into it with a neighbor like unless you have to unless it's absolutely necessary yeah but this person is not going anywhere they're in your life they're they're close enough to you ignore everything even the flip-off feels like you're look if he was my friend I'd be like don't flip your neighbor no our attitude in a comedy show is that people are talking we just ignore them as much as possible yeah it goes so well it we wait so long until it's a real problem before we say anything otherwise claimed those interactions amounted to months of harassment but the judge found them to be innocent Behavior to the complaints the presence of young families outside is a source of scorn and Vivid resentment that ultimately spilled over into a criminal complaint against the neighbor the judge wrote describing Epstein as a quote caring father of two young daughters who come committed no crime whatsoever that's right he called it deplorable to the clan that the complaints weaponized the criminal justice system in an attempt to exert revenge on an innocent man that's right so is there a flop rule yeah this is essentially the neighborhood flop rule like this guy should get penalized for he just hated that guy's young daughters so much and he's like well he hated the guy and he hated his fist families what said like the existence of these little girls was a source of scorn and resentment or something for the other guy that's right he hated him how dare you how dare you procreate always out there playing things Red Rover and [ __ ] ain't right yeah Chachi said he thought Epstein regularly and surreptitiously filmed him and his family okay this guy now he's making [ __ ] up now he's like I gotta like make things up in reality it was in reality the judge concluded it was nachache who had been filming Epstein and other neighbors from cameras mounted outside the home which he lived in with his parents and his brother no nachache lives with his parents and his brother we'll get to the ages in a minute all right he also is worried about he also had cameras on his damn this will tell you a lot about him and Trey camera on his car on his motorcycle and in his parents cars this guy he likes to edit this guy loves to edit I'm gonna get like the let me get the motorcycle shot let me get the car shot I get the garage shot and we'll do the top I mean I'm all for having some cameras around your house you know garage doorway okay but this guy is like the reverse he's so worried about everybody else he's watching all of them by the way yeah and and not just watching but instigating stuff too you know eating his family in one incident video submitted as evidence shows nachache's mother Martine Martin nachache driving dangerously near neighborhood children she was driving trying to run him off the road Jesus about an hour later nachache's father Frank nachache deliberately and spitefully did the same so he's basically the dad has two kids they're like if your family if everyone in the neighborhood right you if you have an issue with everyone in the neighborhood you're the issue yeah she was with you yeah that's right that's right the ruling says leading to a conversation with several neighborhood fathers and including Epstein so the so the parents are driving close with a camera on their car close to neighborhood and basically with the evident producing the evidence against them which is perfect dumpy perfect perfect that you created the problem and we got to make everybody says how big of a little [ __ ] this kid is right let me make sure yeah so this is the thing that happens I would bake these people a cake a beautiful cake and the icing would say leave the neighborhood right now can they be mad at you it has to be a great cake okay incredible so delicious cake lady fingers I'm talking on top of the cake around like in a beautiful Circle so Epstein testified that during the episode franklinchochet threatened to intentionally hit the children with this car Michael nachache claimed in court that Epstein assaulted his parents during that conversation but the video [ __ ] you're telling me the guy went off because you were trying to hit kids oh [ __ ] man but the video evidence instead showed nachache's brother Ari nachache pushing Epstein who then walked away in what the oh now when we know this whole family we know the parents Martina our team the dad I don't know his name Frank and Frank yeah Ari Ari and then yeah okay and then Epson walked away and what the judge called a remarkable exercise of restraint that's right LL Neil how did LL Neil even end up in front of a judge in the first because this idiot brought him on charge for this satos wrote that Martine and Frank nachacha should consider themselves lucky they weren't ticketed for reckless driving he added that the tuna Chacha Brothers the tunicate brothers is doesn't that sound like they almost killed in Kirk in one of the episodes yeah Jay he's talking about from Happy Days that's what the parents are trying to do yeah Brothers is a phenomenal Tex-Mex Restaurant I thought it was the prequel to Nacho Libre all right Galia Santos wrote it in a quick in a quitting Epstein that he wished that he could literally not just figuratively throw the case out of court literally throw it on the specific services in this case the court is inclined to actually take a file and throw it out the window which is the only way to adequately express my bewilderment about the fact that Epstein uh Mr Epstein was subjected to an arrest and a fulsome criminal prosecution the Montreal this happened in Montreal you guys we've been to Montreal you've been to Montreal civilized here's the way it would describe Mantra I love it we were sitting having dinner in Montreal at like 5 30 and it was a lot of traffic because it was rush hour not one Hawk of a horn yeah not one remarkable in a city civilized a civil Town yeah for this [ __ ] to go on the Montreal Police Service said it's analyzing the decision and declined to comment further so like the police might be at it fault here so now we're going to do this okay we're gonna guess the ages before we get out here in this story incredible who do you guys want to do you want to do Michael uh natache first or do you want to do uh let's do Epstein last okay let's do nachache first how old is Mike just keep calling him LL Neil okay how old is Michael Trey you can go first you can go in the middle living at home he's got a motorcycle I'll go at the end because I have to admit you're sitting right beside me I think I may have seen I saw Anne age earlier so you guys go first because I might be cheating but I'm not sure if it's that guy's 43. if you get into ChaCha's 43 what do you think you think this motorcycle son of a [ __ ] Daniel say oh I'm gonna go I'll go Scotty Pippen 33 33 Okay and because he's got anger like Scotty I thought I saw like 34 or something like that like Walter Payton all right so uh one of you is exactly right I'm gonna guess but is one of you one year off too one of you as one yeah yeah Michael the judge a is 34 years so damn but Dan was very close yeah and you're an honorable man so all right so we're gonna get out of this story on this okay we'll come back we'll tell you what we have uh how old is LL Neil Epstein now I feel like you should stick to your same number here 43. do you I mean do you yeah or were you gonna take no no I feel like two young daughters I did not say this guy's age but yeah yeah his two young daughters right right but I mean young daughters can be seven and also what's the age at which you either right you either think [ __ ] you this is enough right are you a young dad dude or you've lived enough to be like I'm not even dealing with you get out right but then like like where I'm from if you got you know two seven-year-olds yeah right yeah yeah but in Montreal so you already picked 43 right so I guess I'll go how close will have to be today 45 okay what do you think Dan I'm gonna go 36 years 36 years old so hat is maybe there's 30. six and a four-year-old yeah and they're going to have a lot of people they're all right get your answers in town he's because one of you is exactly now do you want to stay do you want to stick on 45 yeah do you want to stick them no yeah get your answers in and I know you didn't see this but all right that is the first story down in the books we'll come back we'll tell you what we have going on and uh find out what Trey's got and it's not people done with Trey Crowder we'll be right back [Music] hey guys welcome back to the show uh we're before we will get to because you have a great you have a neighborly story I think the nachaches go down in history as like maybe one of the dumbest neighbors dumbest neighbors ever this whole neighbor family whole name their family unit although it's in the wrong is very strong they love each other I mean like they think they're right they Thrive off their hate of their neighbors uh we'll talk about this in a second we should first just let people know that what we have coming up um uh again I'm not sure when this this episode is going to drop because we'd never know we record a bunch ahead of time but we here so you can go so superscars.com has all of our dates and stuff we're doing a bunch of taggetts we've got one which is our friends do their stand up and then we uh pitch them jokes afterwards on stage it's so collaborative and fun really cool Comedy Store on uh September 13th got gray people on there you should come do one soon come do the October one which would be great Daniel's already done it it's been fantastic we're doing Largo on the 18th and that was going to be a great show I mean Patton and Fortune are on that show and then two very special guests that are huge names that we're not announcing but just trust us when we tell you it's going to be really good what date is that that is on September 18th on October uh 10th we're doing a show uh Squad brothers and friends at the uh it's the night of a thousand scars we're gonna do at The Bourbon Room which we love the bedroom not a great place yeah I did a tour date there yeah a while back it was awesome oh and I just the re it feels like there's a balcony in that room Dan I first walk to go upstairs but when you get there you feel like you went downstairs yeah yeah and there's also like I first walked in like the bar area and there's like a little area to the left that I thought was like the stage or something yeah and I was I was like oh [ __ ] I don't know about that you know but then where the actual stage is it's great it's like a 1980s like HBO special stage oh that's a great way to put it it's really cool so we're gonna do that on October 10th and then another tagging on the 8 18th we're going to be in Springfield Missouri Fort Collins on the fifth and sixth reports he's the best shout out David he wasn't The Night Stalker no David Rodriguez was not David that was that was Richard Richards Davidson he's the night Booker he's the night Booker he's the night Booker and he gets you he gets the everything uh and then uh at Springfield Illinois there's a Springfield Missouri so much stuff superstars.com we put all the dates on there uh Trey we should find out like how could people hey they can follow your podcast and whatnot see you yeah uh yeah I got the well-read podcast most of most of my stuff you can find with just my name either like you can follow me on social media just using my name t-r-a-e Crowder on pretty much all of them also my website Trey Crowder t-r-a-e crowd I always have to you know yeah yeah uh but anyway Trae Crowder that's where you find all my tour dates not knowing this is coming out I don't know but I'm all over the place throughout the rest of the year and into 2024 so go there and also uh I've got a special called Damn Boy on YouTube I love it you could watch and uh I've got a book coming out a comedic travel guide in September that there's a link on my website for called round here in Over Yonder can I tell you the native travel guide yeah I'm already in it like a hillbilly but in this day and age I will say to our fans when you know we are at right now in uh struggle with the streaming networks and whatnot in terms of like you know getting getting the pay we deserve when people put out their stuff independently on YouTube and put out uh their specials watch them give the power back to The Comedians and watch these and so that like I'm sure a lot of people have watched it already but like let's get these numbers up for dumb people Town fans you will fall in love with this guy I mean I feel like it's like one of the best ways to do it like objectively at this point you know what I mean outside of like you know just not getting the opportunities from the big Gatekeepers it's like it's better than being on most of them I think because the main thing is you want people to see it yeah and if a lot of the other providers people are they're not going to see it on most of them you know other than the big one my thing too is I think we're just on this era of like I'm going to give you access to this hour now obviously if HBO or somebody you know that's a comic stream if they go you want to put you on yes but apart from that I'd rather give that hour to that access to those people and have them come out to shows come out to shows and become a fan of you yeah watch his hour you'll love it and you'll check that out Trae Crowder our name of the special is damn boy damn boy damn Jay let's get into one okay uh Story number two this is sent in by Nick Bose at chef nick80 and you know what Bose you you pay a little bit more for it but this is the sound quality of his food I always use both too whenever something I'm like this is like what Bose is for speakers yeah it's so expensive but when you yeah somebody has one you're like oh I guess I understand more of a blow punked what was that uh Crutchfield yeah yes that was like huge in middle school or whatever like you know we all like that was like you're taking you're on walking we were crazy in that that and whatever the magazine was that had like like uh V like truck mods in it or like Karma the headlight mods and all that stuff and that was always on top of the East Bay East Bay do you guys remember holy church yes and it's fine everything progresses but it is a like tactile thing that no child like your son your your daughters will never like being like like turning a pin and be like I want that bat yeah and you're just looking at it on paper papers so we were at our cousin's place over uh Labor Day weekend down in Mission Viejo and they have in their garage they've like redone the garage and in the garage there's a pool table and a ping pong table and it was like cooler at night we opened up the garage doors and they have a record player with old speakers like it's an old school like 70 speakers and we were just playing records and playing ping pong and pool all night like we played all night it was and people were hanging out it was just so much fun but the sound from these old 70s speakers was so warm and wonderful it like filled the garage it was so cool I just loved it like I was like this feels like us hanging out like in the 1970s I loved it before I forget we were talking in the break about the the neighbors yes very quickly like you were saying you know I would never start [ __ ] with my neighbor that story made me realize like how much it would suck to have shitty neighbors because like yesterday I got mildly annoyed at my neighbor because they gave me too many passion fruits that they grew in there like they've got and it's like they're doing a sweet thing but I looked at him like what am I doing what am I gonna do with 85 passengers you know what I mean like now I gotta figure out how to make jam or whatever you know what I mean but like maybe a nice thing and I'm like I don't this is you gave me busy work but yeah I can't imagine if they were trying to do a vehicular homicide on your children on the road you know what I mean yeah that's so great and you're like it's a crime of passion fruit yeah it is all right uh a GPS mistake took a and I'm not going to tell you how old this person was Drive driver to the Canadian border what a lot of Canada where he was arrested with a certain amount of pounds of cannabis okay and more than a certain amount of money in his car police get so so why don't you just say assistance in my car do you guys need my social security number you know this I don't know if you know this story but like you know that's probably what seven years ago a long eight years ago yeah so I was waiting I scammed I got scammed so hard I was with my daughter on like a field trip and I get a phone call from a number and they just keep so you're a little frazzled I don't know like I'm out walking because we like walk two miles to get to the you know 826 la which is this riding thing and they're gonna go do a writing thing and I finally answer and they're like um you hear like Beeps in the background so it feels like it's official and whatnot and they're like you're uh social security number has been linked to a car that has blood drugs and money in it at the Mexican border and I was like and I wound up giving these people my bank information I had to like change everything well that's an elaborate one I'm the only one I've ever like answered it was just like a dude with a thick foreign accent being like I'm with IRS we need Social Security number or you will lose everything and it's like I don't think you're with the IRS man but uh like trying to in cocaine car at the border right yeah telemarketers yet on HBO no I heard it was insane no insane it's about the people who call for the Fraternal Order of Police and it's just how it's okay it's a three-part footage of these uh yeah the Safi brothers and Danny McBride right oh my God produced it yeah I mean that's Danny McBride's next series it's unreal you guys should watch oh I have to I want to see it what happened what happened to this successful entrepreneur trying to make his way yeah this is his marijuana this GPS all right an American driver was arrested last week after he took a wrong turn and ended up at the Canadian border with a huge quantity of cannabis and a lot of cash in his car according to law enforce so this is the ultimate version of oh [ __ ] I think there's a police drinking checkpoint right when you're like can I inconspicuously turn around because I am not drunk at all but I did have two cocktails even when you're not drunk you're like how can I not go in the second you turn around like even when you have I've had times where I was not even drinking and they'll do them in La which is the wildest thing to me I've seen them this doesn't happen in New York or Chicago in on Melrose I don't know like Sunday night or Wednesday you'll do like a drinking checkpoint I'm like what what the [ __ ] are you guys doing you're getting people I mean yeah I guess I like the effort because nobody should be on the road drinking you know when they're impaired but even when I'm sober I try to find a way like can I inconspic can I turn here without them going right go get that guy you feel guilty the ultimate version of that is he's at a [ __ ] border border yeah it's like a test turned left wound up driving 500 miles to go can you turn around at the border no no no all roads are here I can't turn again Royal Canadian mountain police said in a news release that Andrew Lee toppenberg his name is Andrew he was following GPS coordinates that were entered incorrectly when he mistakenly ended up at the border lineup I love GPS coordinates I know right he wrote Taco Bell I was gonna across the border yeah like wasn't there's a Taco Bell is a run for the boys I had Taco Bell the other day no you didn't how are you feeling uh you know I I may not be able to wait under what circumstance would you have talk about my daughter was like I want fast food and we're like have you ever been to Taco Bell and she said no and you want to guess my daughter's never been to time never do you want to guess my order Dorito uh taco shell taco with what with meat cheese and no lettuce that's exactly right I got two Doritos and my daughter and my wife got Crunchwrap Supremes I was going to guess crunch traps yeah we did we got them every girl breakfast oh no the like oh yeah I mean your daughter University of Michigan but within a week we'll have breakfast pizza no no just the standard Mexican pizza at Taco where are you at on Taco but obviously you guys are busy oh I'll I'll I will I'll rush me too dude I have it probably I mean at this point in my life I don't know once a month or something but still like easily once a month probably when I'm on the road doing shows there's times you have to eat and you're like I will gladly it was really [ __ ] I'm just gonna say I'm in Springfield Missouri after the light show or whatever like I'm not going to find a blue room now we're going there for what things that are probably open unless it's a diner Taco Bell's a good option it made me think of our users so we used to go out in our youth and we'd be drunk in our in our whatever and high school high school and we'd show up at Taco Bell drunk roll out of our buddy Matt Fox truck and we would each order 10 tacos easily five sauce because you guys like innovated the taco box each had a taco box each one each of us had one they weren't in bags they were in boxes and we'd eat them down and then be so drunk the room is spinning later you throw them back up and they look like it did when it went down uh so he he this is it was following GPS coordinates that were entered incorrectly when he mistakenly ended up at the border lineup at Canada's Rainbow Bridge border crossing in Niagara Falls Ontario what whoops that's like I mean it's lucky he didn't drive over the falls I know uh Tom brings you to Canada an accident yeah a mistake toppenberg of coordinates wasn't there a place in St Louis Offenburg Auffenberg often Auffenberg is very big very big in Belleville Illinois uh tomberg of test in California was subject to an inspection because he did not have to passport with him well why would he have his passion he's not trying to go there no he didn't think he was crossing the border I I don't give a [ __ ] about weed at all right and I assume I'm assuming that's what this is and it's money too right I think you should be able to get to a border and if you're like didn't mean to do this I'm just kind of turning right back around they they should they should be able to go yeah you can go right back yeah like you're not trying because I don't want to go through so you don't get to check me they should just send me in the loop around you're not trying to get into their country right it needs to be Eternal or the punishment is you have to wait till all these cars go through for seven hours and then you can leave so you made a mistake and you got to deal with what he should have done I'd rather get around when he realized he was in line he should have turned his car off got out a whole bunch of like uh you know people popped his hood oh my God I don't know you're gonna get one nice person going back into Canada like what do you want to do and he's like you know what just let's I'm sorry guys but let's just push it back because once I get into Canada and then how I get my car fixed and then they're gonna be like what are you doing you know and he's like oh I planned on coming up to you guys about my car I can't obviously I'm not supposed to be so long before it yeah for a hockey game what are you doing up there that would be it yeah I'm not saying it would go wrong but to me that is your best bet that you have a bigger problem that has nothing to do going to Canada this is a genius and you just need help pushing your car back Canadian border officials said they found how much how many pounds how many pounds of a kilogram of cannabis during their inspection well what are we going with how do they allowance we'll do pounds pounds how many pounds of can I have both three three pounds I was gonna say five five pounds I believe in this [ __ ] I'm gonna go three pounds is a lot I know I know but like three like it seems like it's a whole number of I agree no I mean I think five here's what I think if he is that far north he is trying to get he has a long way to go to distribute right I just don't think you're unloading a lot in The Dakotas right or Buffalo right so low he's a buffalo yeah right so he he when you first get your weed you're gonna have the most of it because you haven't gotten anywhere with this this is another run I'm gonna say he 20 pounds 20 pounds that's a trash bag full of weeds that is it's a trash bag all right so get your answers in at home you said 20 you said five five I said three yeah this man was caught with 399 pounds so first of all what do you think that's valued at quick guess what do you think it's valued at 399 pounds a week I've never bought from a dealer eight hundred thousand dollars two million I'll split it 1.4 269 775. I have no idea to 539 000 that's I I thought it was way more I said 800. they all got found almost 400 pounds of wages only worth well so they also found cash so he has I guess been selling along the way yeah or buying or buying how much cash did they find in this car 60 Grand ah God damn it yeah because I I was I would have said more but now knowing what the value is I'm thinking like like the 40 you say 40 Grand yeah I'm gonna say something commodity is down doesn't it it must be yeah right 78 they found six hundred thousand dollars none of this math get away from the border dude get away from this listen the drugs and the money were located throughout the car of course with cannabis and vacuum pack containers yes and the cash separated into bundles that were concealed in a safe suitcase lockable case according to the police dude don't go to the order right because if you get pulled over based off what you said I'm pretty sure they need a warrant for that stuff yeah but when you're at a border checkpoint I don't think they need a warrant for anything no why would you even be close to a Border Town if you're holding this much [ __ ] in your car like Buffalo nice to get high too I agree if you are at the northern part of anywhere in this country and you are heading east or west you should never turn north no exactly too close to go north it's like it's like when you're lost in a place like where you're like a like an Ocean Resort and you just always know well if we go that way that's the ocean so I know we need to go the opposite way right he's like well that's Canada so I'm I'm having I'm heading east I will never turn left it's a bridge thing too well you said it right yeah the Rainbow Bridge that should have also felt wrong yeah exactly exactly we feel like I should be crossing a gigantic Bridge that's close to Niagara Falls I would Jump Right In The Water uh the police said the packaging look like sort of containers drug dealer or money launderers use of course that makes sense uh hold on a second and then they said uh which then LED them to issuing charges against tottenberger on suspension of Suspicion of possession and the import of cannabis and possession more than five thousand dollars knowing that all parts of the proceeds were obtained by CR by a crime tobenberg appeared in Ontario Ontario Court on Monday and remained in custody Jeff Walters director of Niagara District Operations for Canada's Border Services he's coming down from Canada into the cbsa this is what he said in a statement the cbsa is extremely proud of the diligence shown by our officers the hard work has a profound impact on continually ensuring Public Safety at our board we sold the weed and now we can have the officers Christmas party that's right so I mean I mean that much weed it's not you guys no disrespect but a dog four times over smelled that way that's right they smelt it coming from like 20 cars they probably checked every car in the lineup yeah like this guy screwed everybody's trip in they're like we smell we smell weed for the last mile so you got to tell us who's got yeah we knew you were coming the dogs are going nuts or it's bad weed in which case you're like if we can't smell it what are you selling bro it might be bad weed because that's the value I'm about to say the numbers yeah yeah that's right is that just like what the mark like all the you know because you can get weed soda and lollipops and stuff just ruined the market for yeah like why wouldn't you come across the border with like 800 000 lollipops and just be like look well it seems like it is an odd choice to still be in the weed game specifically across the border with that much stuff whatever it is Brownies you know lollipops they would be like this you have an intent to sell something and so you gotta check it through this is why you gotta declare [ __ ] when you're flying from another country back into our country like you don't have the intent to sell it's it's a big big problem we're gonna get out of here on this okay how old is Andrew Lee toppenberg Andrew Lee how old is this cat who thought he could take six hundred thousand dollars and foreign that's really good because if they took cord like uh coordinates from him like that's what he said yeah you know where he's like yeah put it in the wrong coordinates okay so I think he probably is younger but just because I've said all that and why not I'll say he's like 76. I'm gonna go with an idiot who is 24 years old I think but that's but he's a 24 year old got somebody gives 24 that much weight but I think he's 34. but I do think like that the Clint Eastwood movie should have been called the fork the fork ball yeah Fork ball like because he's at a Crossroads in his life yes all right get your you said 76. yeah I said 24 and I said 34. all right get your answers in shout at your ham radios this guy Andrew Lee toppenberg is 60 years your GP at your mental GPS LED you to the right place yeah so good so good years do you know was he a like a veteran of this or is like is he a or is he like new to the Leo fight yeah maybe 60 like it's a Breaking Bad or did somebody else like the notion that like the like the highest level CIA agents who are like undercover look like just normal people yeah because they're the least suspected like Air Marshals or people just maybe they're like let's send this dude down because I don't say anything Andrew Lee tobenberg this is his he got divorced from his first wife this is his second marriage married someone much younger than him yeah and she's like who also has like a teenage son so she's like 34 and has like a impressive kid and he's got to get your own kid and he's like I'm trying to be cool stepdad in the new situation trying to be cool for the wife who's 40 years younger than a man the kid yeah there you go now all right Dana give us a taste of what we're going to see in uh segment three oh it's a a very unusual house break-in I love it very unusual housebreaking it's dumb people Town Drake routers with us we'll be right back hey guys welcome back to the show before we get to the final story Daniel let people know where they can see he's got a bunches much like the the scars I don't know when this is dropping you should go to Daniel van kirk.com uh I'm on the road I'm hitting the Midwest I'm hitting the South I'm hitting the East Coast I'm headlining yuck Fest in Boston at the end of October and it's all leading up do what you're doing yuck Fest dude you're not going to believe it um leading up to my special taping on 11 11 at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago that's going to be Illinois that is going to be a post well it's a double party because the night before I'm headlining Rochelle Illinois before that I'm in Louisville but all that stuff is at danielvankirk.com and when I'm on the road any of you townies bring a dumb headline with you because I open up the show by asking if anybody has a headline or a uh a pen pals postcard go to danielvangirk.com and you know what the last thing can I can I put out a uh like a the cork board for our town you know when you go to the grocery store and you're like up there yeah uh somebody's always getting rid of dirt I'm like why'd you move I've got 70 pounds of dirt if anybody out there is a townie who knows WordPress I need help with my site because when you go to scroll oh God if you're on a mobile it it won't show all my dates yeah you have to be on a desktop and I there's not a lot of grandparents just did a story about a guy who didn't know GPS now you don't know WordPress I know that my site's not working so I don't need a full redesign I just need somebody who goes boom that helped the scrolling all I know is I tried to use WordPress and I got stopped tweeted pay you in handshakes okay all right uh also join our patreon we have a great patreon I'm gonna say that it's really fun another great way to support trying to get to artists the two levels of a hot chip challenge yeah let's do it I'll do it at whatever 500 and then we'll get it we get a thousand patreons it's also a jam and a hang yeah it's so fun we love it and it's only five what is it five bucks a month that's it nothing all right okay come do that all right here we go Daniel take us home ready yep sent in by brewpounder at brewpounder Brew pounder Brew pound person loves the Brew I don't need Milwaukee right I was sick of Wisconsin yeah yeah Brew pounder is the Trey Crowder of beer drinking yeah oh yeah family says cows broke into their new house in Montana not true not true you say not true not true they didn't break in okay the family is making it seem like there's intent yeah right yeah cows are like they broke in they're mad at us one of the pictures that I'm going to show you at some point in the story does kind of feel like this cow's like got your ass yeah you should have been here [ __ ] I wouldn't have been around cows yeah a little bit they don't tend to do many beats but all the way in a cow okay you did that yeah in high school that's Rochelle baby I uh they were there I was doing Agriculture and Science and one day they had a cow brought in and they said this is how we artificially inseminate a cow and the guy went he went shoulder deep into the back end of a cow and then he goes is there any would anybody else like to try it and I remember even at the age of 17 thinking to myself I have to you will never get asked this question again in your life to do it and much like when people see people that they really admire Sports athletes and stuff like that I always go this could be the time you saw that person or the time you met that person right and this could be the time I saw this cow or I intimately met this guy you know this do they you put a whole sleeve on him all the way deep in so warm and it also messed me up sexually for like what I'm into oh not animals but I just want a warm arm one of them come on yeah I mean yeah I can't match that I did work with a guy right after high school who claimed to uh have had sexual relations with cows that is horrible I hope you just hit him in the face fire to him first of all if you saw him and heard him and everything he just thought that did his name well you know like look at tracked yeah like yes but I was working for the Clay County highway department it was mostly Old redneck guys I was 18 years old he and they could have all been [ __ ] with you of course that is actually more likely yeah like he would go into like like he said he had one train so good when he opened the gate sorry that's what he told me but that's that's such a good line yeah right I have to believe that I had her trained so good I opened up the door flipped the light on the Tailwind yeah and you're like I hate to correct you it's trained so well but that's fine hey that's what the line is in Fifty Shades of Gray black and white okay yeah hilarious so are there any like geographical tensions with the you know because in Montana it's like look at all these California people living up there like are these California people and the cows are pissed off they're trying to keep time kind of weird yeah right exactly in Montana Montana a Washington family was shocked to discover that bovines moved they wrote that into their new house in Montana a poster on reddit's well that sucks which if anybody is going for am I the [ __ ] I'm pretty sure well that sucks we'll probably have some good dump people counties on the ground well that sucks section shared pictures of a new home that was taken over by cattle quote this big guy and three of his friends got into our newly built Montana house and proceeded to live there for how long before being found hit me with it quick uh two weeks uh how long are these guys ten days a winter for a month oh my God uh because these are these are these are they're watches they don't live in Montana yeah yeah it's like the Ozarks when people just yeah he might be right there several commenters said the house might very well need to be gutted and re-flored due to the damage and urge the poster to talk to an insurance company yeah uh in a response to people's questions the poster wrote one house is on my aunt's property we currently live in Washington and we're planning to move over at the end of the year sure we assumed she was going down and this is where you start to throw yourself she was going down every now and again which is a casual way of saying she told us she was going down every now again but apparently someone oh you're right that comma you just did in your own sentence we assumed she was going down to check on the house comma yes she wasn't cattle guy has a lot of passive aggressive at her cattle guy has a lot of acreage sorry and look for his cows even filed a report for stolen cattle he looked in our shed but not the house because he thought someone was living it was like when you hit a hole in one and you're like I can't find so the cattle guy picture him he goes maybe they're on their property old aunt's property he even looks in the shed no he must have looked and the cattle had set up some sort of Home Alone mannequin to be like well they're the only humans in here these are like the Chick-fil-A spell it wrong quote uh number two I'm sorry there was a bad storm in town I think in late April and we think the cows were looking for coverage they either got in by nudging a level door or the wind might have blown the door open right amazing if the wind blew the door open then the cows must have been like they want us Gaia wants us to go into it yeah we knocked and again we asked our Aunt to make sure all the doors are pretty close [Applause] he also says number three insurance has been contacted but I'm not sure about outcome because my stepdad is trying to deal with it directly with the cattle guy newspapers like okay we don't need it all right but why are they print it my stepdad who really doesn't check his voicemail about my step dad it also means that his stepdad is trying to strong arm the cattle guy and to take a responsibility for this when it's like you check your house yes more than a month yeah step dad when he gets a couple in him he starts to get confrontational why is this in the Arts right we got him off ice house so he's not as strong a beer anymore but he's still mad mostly water uh I'm going to become a vegetarian this is number five to please the cow God so this will never happen again uh you tried a joke and it's hilarious it's unclear where the house is located it'll learn more I will show you the picture of these cows we'll put them on I'll show you the first one right you can see the floor because they're kicking [ __ ] and then here's the one with the cow that just kind of feels like what what do you want but this looks like that it's just [ __ ] on the wall everywhere and everywhere I mean that house is done that house is finished it's done right yeah that house is just or you have to live your house like a farm where anytime anyone comes over you go you'll get used to this how thrilled those cows must have been the cows he must be my birthday this is the greatest time ever yeah yes this is like the hangover when they're in Mike Tyson's Suite yeah this is these cows we don't belong in here yeah oh I love it all right that story there you go 43 down in the books again uh I'm so excited well-read podcast check that out check out his special damn boy on YouTube uh books coming out soon that will be called round here and Over Yonder on Forester me and him smart dude great comedy glad you were here we got to get back to work guys [Music]

Channel: All Things Comedy

Views: 56,890

Keywords: ATC, ALL THINGS COMEDY, bill burr, al madrigal, podcast, atc podcast, all things comedy podcast, trae crowder, trae crowder stand up comedy, trae crowder weekly, trae crowder damn boy, trae crowder evening skews, trae crowder puttin on airs, trae crowder comedy central, trae crowder wife, the sklar brothers, sklar brothers, dumb people town, sklar brothers rap, sklar brothers stand up, daniel van kirk, dan van kirk, dumb people town podcast

Id: lDFRA3GazWo

Length: 54min 59sec (3299 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 20 2023