Top Social Anxiety Tips for Confidence!

I'm an anxiety expert who spent years treating anxiety disorders at Columbia University and in this video I'm going to share my favorite exercises for overcoming social anxiety disorder hi I'm psychologist Dr Ali matu on a mission to help you feel more chill cozy and courageous in my last video I explained what social anxiety disorder is how it's impacted me and the best ways to overcome it if you haven't seen that video yet check it out because it's a great foundation for everything I'm going to talk about here in this video I'm going to cover the best exercises you can do on your own to overcome social anxiety disorder you're going to learn how to identify your core fear how to overcome your fear of anxiety how to practice social anxiety experiments and also how to get comfortable with feedback while everything in this video is based on scientifically supported cognitive behavioral therapy skills and these are things you can do on your own if you're someone who's struggling with really significant social anxiety disorder or you're also experiencing another problem like depression or substance use problems you might need the support of a professional to make real meaningful progress the first thing you want to do is understand your core fear this is the thing below all of your social anxiety what's fueling it what you're really afraid of once you know this thing then you know what social anxiety exercises to focus on I like to do this using the downward Arrow technique and while that might sound like a yoga position it's not it's super easy all you need is a piece of paper and something to write with you want to start by answering this question when I'm socially anxious I'm afraid people think I am and then fill in the blank just write the first thing that comes to your mind usually it's some version of weird strange loser ugly not good enough stuff like that for me my social anxiety always makes me think I'm a weirdo then we dig deeper let's imagine that this fear is true what would that say about you for me feeling like I'm a weirdo makes me worried that other people are not gonna want to be around me that they're going to want to distance themselves from me now your answer might be totally different and that's fine this is all about finding out what your social anxiety makes you worried might happen then we dig deeper and we ask questions like what concerns you about this what would be the consequence of this what does this suggest about you we keep going down until we can't really go any further if I'm weird and no one wants to be around me eventually the consequence for me is being rejected and being alone and that's what my core fear really is about the most common core fears are being rejected embarrassed or criticized and a lot of people with social anxiety disorder have some combination of a few of these core fears what core fear have you discovered let me know in the comments below now there are so many reasons why you might be experiencing social anxiety disorder and I explore all of them in my last video but before we start overcoming social anxiety disorder we have to stop fighting it and understand how we experience experience it and sort of make friends with it the first thing to know is it's really common to fear rejection humans are wired for social connection and when we become teenagers getting socially rejected becomes one of our biggest fears so this stuff is really common if you're experiencing social anxiety disorder like 18 of people have in the last year you just have too much anxiety your body is getting too active your mind is racing a little bit too much and thinking too much about what other people might be thinking about you and it's very hard for you to stay socially connected to have eye contact to be in that situation and you really want to just hide and avoid we have to get really good at understanding what our social anxiety symptoms are and when they occur because when you do this when you put words to emotional experiences they become less scary and less intense for me me whenever I'm socially anxious the first thing that happens is my heart starts racing it starts beating out of my chest it feels like it's coming a chest it's not actually and what I do in that situation is go oh my heart is racing that probably means I'm socially anxious why am I soci anxious oh it's because I need to raise my hand and ask a question and I now don't want to do that and I'm scared people are going to look at me that's just my social anxiety doing what it's doing trying to keep me safe when it doesn't really need to and it's kind of just misfiring I know this sounds really simple and cheesy but believe me it can make a difference it'll help you to be a little bit less focused on what's Happening inside of you and more focus on the people around you which is a big part of overcoming social anxiety disorder and if this is really difficult for you you might want to check out my video on quick anxiety relief techniques I go through all the coping skills you can use to help you manage anxiety in those situations specifically here grounding acceptance opposite action are probably going to be great skills to use so check out that video if you want a little bit more help in this area the biggest thing that will keep you trapped in social anxiety is avoidance that means not going into social situations or when you go in them you do little things that might keep you from being connected to other people to break this pattern you have to put yourself into social situations that trigger your core fear and stay connected to other people so you can really learn from those experiences anxiety therapists call this exposure therapy and I've got a video that breaks down detailed step by steps on how to do this in your own life using an example of social anxiety from my life but for the purposes of this video the basics are this pick a situation that's probably going to trigger your core fear write down what you're afraid might happen if you do this exercise then go do the exercise be in the situation and try to stay as connected to other people as you can afterwards write down if your core fear came true how do you know if it came true or did not come true and what you learned from this situation then do it again in a variety of situations with different people before I share my favorite exposure exercises a few things to note the first is you can always make these easier or harder depending on where you are in your social anxiety Journey the exposure is really just about what feels like a good challenge for you right now and a good challenge for you is probably going to be different than what a good challenge is for me you can have a little eye contact or a lot of eye contact talk softly talk loudly share nothing at all or share a little bit give one word answers or really elaborate and share details about yourself approach a small group of people or a lot of people or maybe just one person you can always find ways to tailor these exercises to best fit Where You Are are right now and if these exercises aren't triggering all those anxiety Sensations you can do stuff like hyperventilate for 30 seconds before you do one of these exercises or maybe run in place to get you sweating get your heart racing all that stuff that usually happens for you when you're socially anxious also make sure you're doing these exercises in situations where you feel physically safe while I want these exercises to trigger your social anxiety fears you should not fear for your life or feel in danger try doing these exercises in daylight where there are other people around in public spaces the best rejection exercises usually lead to someone saying no or distancing themselves from you ask people if they have a moment to respond to a survey you can ask really simple questions like do you prefer square or Circle intersections you can ask stuff about their personal taste like what do you like to eat what are your favorite TV shows or you can ask controversial questions about religion or politics or the last few Star Wars films my personal favorite is to ask questions about what people think about people who ask survey questions ask someone if you can use their cell phone people are always hesitant to do this go to a coffee shop and without any context just ask out five people trust me you'll get experience with rejection as someone if they're willing to take a selfie with you go up to someone you don't know pretend you know them and say hey Andrew it's me buy something from a store pretend you don't have enough money to pay for it and see if the cashier will let you buy it anyways get a lot more than 10 items at a grocery store and go to the express line and try to check out anyways go to someone who obviously looks very busy and then ask them for directions or restaurant recommendations if hearing about any of these exercises is making you anxious then that exercise is probably the right one for you here are some to help you with embarrassment intentionally trip in front of a lot of people drop your papers and bags in front of a lot of people trip and drop a lot of papers and bags in front of a lot of people find something in your closet that embarrasses you and wear that out in public where mismatched socks wear your clothes inside out go up to someone and ask for directions for something that's obviously there like you are in front of the Golden Gate Bridge and you're asking where is the Golden Gate Bridge ask a really absurd question like go into a Dunkin Donuts and ask to speak to Mr Duncan because you love these Donuts so much and you want to compliment the baker go to our restaurant and ask what's for free order that's probably water drink it and then leave say someone's name incorrectly on purpose send an embarrassing typo in an email or text message for me this happened all the time in grad school when I was working on my Master's thesis because I misspelled Public Health as pubic Health order coffee and after it's made say oops I actually wanted a tea do something in public that you're really bad at like juggling or playing guitar and put a little tip jar out there in front of you go to a bathroom and pretend like you can't pee just you're making these loud sounds or yell out does anyone have any toilet paper my stall is completely out what's cool about all the embarrassment exercises is you can combine them with other ones to make them harder like you can wear a really goofy outfit and then go and approach people and ask to take a selfie with them evaluation exposures will make you feel like the spotlight is on you tell a short story this can be with friends family co-workers classmates my favorite short story prompt is if my life were a movie one Unforgettable scene would be handwrite with your non-dominant hand and then have someone read it do a stirring contests with someone for three minutes and do not laugh this will be really helpful if you have difficulty with eye contact join an improv class this is my favorite exercise to do because it helps with every core fear it improves your social skills makes you a better listener and helps you to really be flexible in social situations bypass the host at a restaurant and just find a table and sit down order food try it and then send it back saying it doesn't taste very good ask to order something that isn't on the menu when you're talking to someone tell them you're feeling socially anxious you can also take some water and throw it onto your armpits to make you seem like you're sweating and really uncomfortable ask someone if you're blushing or tell them that you're blushing if you have social anxiety about blushing usually talking about it is enough to bring it about take some selfies and then go up to someone and ask them to tell you which one looks the best slowly use an ATM when there's a long line of people waiting to use it try on clothes inside out and then ask someone how do you look go to a movie theater and then have your phone's alarm go off in the middle of the movie while all these exercises will help you to get more comfortable with that core Fear One critical final step with social anxiety disorder is to get real authentic genuine feedback from other people this will help you to understand how you're really coming across how different that might be from your expectations of yourself and what you need to improve I like to start out with video recordings you can record yourself or ask someone else to record you usually being recorded is really hard and then watching the video back is really hard we're really critical on when we see ourselves or hear our voices you can do this while you are telling a short story story giving a speech or just having a conversation with other people ask someone how you come across in group situations are you open and warm and inviting conversation or are you more closed off off-putting and just giving the impression that you don't want other people to talk to you are you using a lot of open-ended questions like what do you like to do for fun or are you using a lot of closed-ended questions like what's your favorite version of Mario Kart really understand how you come across in these group situations and whenever you're in a real world situation that requires feedback like a job interview a date or meeting new people ask them for their honest genuine feedback ask them how it went what went well what can be approved and then think about what your core fear is maybe you're really afraid you came across as uninteresting on your date how ask them about that just asking for feedback will help you get more comfortable being judged and evaluated you're also going to get negative feedback sometimes which you need to hear because not everyone's gonna like you not everyone's going to be interested in you and you need to get comfortable with that and every now and then you're gonna get feedback that is super helpful and actually helps you improve you also need to get really comfortable getting positive feedback that's really difficult for people with social anxiety disorder they don't like the attention they might get worried that they won't be able to do this good again and you need to get comfortable with that too what is one thing from this video You're gonna try in your own life let me know in the comments below for more videos on social anxiety disorder click right over here and to learn what you can do right now to improve your anxiety check out this right here

Channel: Doctor Ali Mattu

Views: 115,200

Keywords: ali mattu, psychologist, psychology, the psych show, clinical psychology, mental health, mental illness, cognitive behavioral therapy, cbt, therapist, therapy

Id: K24CS0mA5Fs

Length: 15min 34sec (934 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 21 2022