TLLS Craig Ferguson - 2013.05.06 - Isla Fisher, Jim Rash

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I know what you're thinking Craig of you pulled something off of Jeff no no this isn't a gay robots testicle although it looked like one it does look like one is like mmm-hmm no I tell you the thing I I'm trying to cheer myself up because what happened is that the weekend this is Monday I actually is I I I go into this a little I got a little gem in my house I know you little I like to try and work out sure yeah all right and next to it is a little bathroom and it exploded like unlike the the sewer system of the a li sewer system backed up and it Wow like wow it was like I just covered in and the stuff that you the it was like it was like NBC primetime everywhere and so it's a joke cuz I joke some of my favorite shoes are on NBC but a mic sleeping anyway look it was bad and I was like oh so I called a special plumber who deals with really you know and he comes out in a you know he's got a special poisoned hazmat suit yeah great and he looks at it he goes that's a category three right there like what's the category three anyway it's dirty it's real dirty now he didn't talk like that at all but in the movie in my head he talks like that yeah right he's like and he gets out his machine that cleans poo way basically it's what it does Danny said you know when he looks at it he goes we're gonna need a bigger pool away machine like in Jaws you know in jail like yeah yeah and then I said what you're telling me you're gonna close the beaches on the 4th of July and he's like yeah we gotta so I was cheering myself up by holding a glittery ball but even as I look at this shining lovely thing what I saw this weekend is seared onto my eyeballs I always feel better when I hold to glittery balls looks like it's gonna be a classy one tonight everybody you The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson sponsored by Prudential every challenge is an opportunity Prudential bring your challenges ladies and gentlemen Craig Ferguson that's great it's crazy please please thanks everybody very very good indeed the warm-up comedian has saved his job for one more day we call him a comedian he's not really a comedian I have to say it doesn't sound like his voice is gonna make it you can't hear at home you can't hear this obviously but the studio audience I'm back there I can hear it when he says he's coming out his voice that goes crazy he's like like no one is that excited to see me no one things that excited to see anybody you can all up there's that guy that was on TV in the middle of the night it's not like come on it's not that exciting is a little bit exciting for me it's great I just go to the bathroom in my bag another warm up guy I did it right here what I I do Wow very nice audience I guess you had a big lunch there huh what the hell was that what what we're going to the bathroom I wasn't going to the bathroom I didn't go in the bathroom I pass because lunch was hours ago it's live in his midnight why the hell would lunch have any bearing on what I'm doing will you go like it might if I hadn't any that Anthony's his lunch time that I have been on a fast a farm yeah sometimes in LA you can go in a juice faster and that makes you one of the in-crowd haha that's right I one of the in-crowd in LA what you cheating for I'm not really I am except that I went to the bathroom in my pants and I go I don't really just something but it's not real it's telling me she likes like I didn't go in and bottom of my pants that's not a real horse and well that is a real game watching us it's great day for America you see this yeah I'm doing this now this is my new thing thanks everybody this is my new thing I'm good I'm doing this hey diddly Dee hey and I pretend I'm wearing a little leprechaun hot people will love this this will sweep the nation this will be the new Gangnam style people yeah people be going hey diddly Dee hey ridi and he'll be great yeah this is gonna go viral yeah so I have lost my mind a little bit it's raining in LA and when it rains daily everybody in Elliot loses their mind the host said he freaks out everything goes crazy we can have mudslides we can have wildfire flyers wild flowers yeah we go hell yeah not wildfires that doesn't bother anyone people I call but wild flowers people like Oh wild flowers growing up the side of the road they won't stop growing look at them with their pretty colors they're freaking me out anyway no it's rated in LA which is a big deal in LA I know in the rest of the country everybody knows how to deal with weather and le we can't so today we're on storm watch 2013 we got our graphic come on the ground yeah that's why he was going crazy earlier on because he was at the photo shoot today where I was posing for that graphic I'm still oiled up my ABS still oiled up come on crinkles up it was very wet here in LA nobody was walking anywhere the traffic wasn't moving then it started to rain here oh wait was it today well it was so wait I was so wet it was so away and today NBC replaced Jay Leno with Aquaman oh it was so wet Arnold Schwarzenegger finally used rubbers okay guys oh yeah oh yeah ooh the rule boy it was in his hand that was having sex with the domestic help yeah you believe that unbelievable believable I was a piece I comedy gold in heaven again thank you and they still think I went to the bathroom yeah yeah it was so wet I want to do another one it was so wet Reese Witherspoon got a DUI on a jet ski yeah it's good you got oh yeah it was so wet Aquaman was replaced by Jay Leno no Michael mine moves to ten o'clock yeah then Leno that's right yeah yeah yeah and then everybody was like what the hell and I crow man was like this is that I am as crazy and then he split at different camps and people were like taking sides as Aquaman is Atlanta there was a No I'm very excited it's raining I gets me all going when it's raining an alley I get very excited you get worked up you get worked up I get very coaches people go crazy here I mean they really do they like when it rains in other parts of it you know of the country people are like oh you'd be careful driving and here in LA when it gets a bit cloudy people are like clouds like drizzle well they don't do that they do that and say because everyone's had so much surgery here that they like this boom crazy and then the ring comes out and it just washes right off wash it right off which is good yeah well that was a monologue yeah that really was something I think we should call it more of a sort of Nona log no noise yeah we're not really oh here's the thing I taste weird - ham - the weekend I went to showbiz party no and I booked on it you know Larry David from the computer issues yes him right so I you know I said oh hi and he's been on the show so that's how he was perfectly nice and then we just went separate ways and I felt like I'd been on a show know what I mean is if you'd had a moment I felt as if we'd had a moment and we didn't gosh that was a great show business story Greg wouldn't yeah well I can't tell you what really happened I had sex with him I didn't he is one of the hottest women in the world though right well that's enough of that was great yeah I think I was really good the next thing we should write something why start now what uh what have you got yeah you're gonna take us to the commit your gonna get shooter vessel break yeah all right you wanna do you wanna come over here come on over here buddy I do it from here come on over come on over here and do it here take take the big spa the big calm you've earned it buddy come on take the take the big spot oh dude yeah alright do your think more hard-hitting storm watch 2013 coverage after this important message from boner pills welcome back James Jeff let's go crazy that's really loud that didn't hurt you oh man yeah but I think my ears I think we're gonna have to call the guy that does ears I'm gonna get a category three yeah you got a category three right there hey we're gonna need that walk inator no walk inator yeah yeah you put it on the big you know that where the all the sewage backs up and it goes wrong and suddenly poop wildflowers people go crazy people go crazy with when they see wildflowers in LA what do people do it what can a weekend did you have it I'll just just hung out here you know yeah you do the same you hang out here too you guys do that's all you did you did yeah we just waiting for you man waiting for you to come back that's adorable it also said does the warm-up comedian we call my comedian he's not really comedian does he hang out with you - yeah he sleeps in the back yeah all right yeah you ready yeah I'm ready all right what time is it it's tweet mail time time to take advice for a man who once met Larry David at a Hollywood party and shook his hand Yeah right story that's an amazing story like I will hey Larry was like a hey that's what you call a Nanak dote yeah Nanak don't it was an on a log and then a Nanak no I show best nig Nanak dote all right you want to do a jingle yeah yeah all right Dee Mills the horse likes it hey who was that used to saying that Peter Frampton yeah blue Greg this show is more crap than usual this evening that's because of how much good on me at the weekend all right you ready Jeff yeah all right this is from Cynthia and Medford Oregon is it pronounced Matt Parkman visit Medford Oregon or is it MIDI variety that is actually the ancient correct pronunciation ancient in ancient men for Deagan ancient meant for how ancient is ancient in Oregon that's 200 years ago yeah this is from Cynthia says dear Craig and Jeff my boyfriend broke up with me over the weekend I'm looking for a rebound or either you available I'm married he's gay call it a freak show this is from Donna in Sioux Falls and South Dakota you ever been there love it Sioux Falls beautiful have you got a place there got a couple places there is have you got one of your laundromats there I got a laundromat there and small disco but I'm not done give it this cookie kind of disco music do you like in Sioux Falls did I get sexy in Sioux Falls right come on no one ever ever ever in the history of Sioux Falls ever did that no maybe they do I look forward to hearing from you soon Falls uh hello cricket Jeff what's the best way to tell if a guy really really likes me well if he does this all right finally this is from Jill in Detroit have you ever been there oh yeah beautiful you've got one of your places there a couple places here what have you go ahead Detroit you got a laundromat you got your steak house it's gonna stink and you got a steak I'll come on down to Jeff's what's the speciality of your steak I struck it ribs yeah yeah seesee skeleton you see that's good buddy yeah yeah casino rent yeah skeleton he's a skeleton let's just go right in this guy's shook hands with dairy leave Italy read watch down the hill there you leave it I use Ivan are you having a kind of one of these weird animal grooming issue ban no all right Barry leave it diary leave it brother no brothers got the same last name is Sam that doesn't make sense yeah no all right finally this the horses the bucket the doors is laughing you don't know if in here that that's rare thing loves that Hubert yeah it's not really humor I think if he's laughing cuz you made a mistake yeah well it's rare that you make a mistake that's not that rare dear Craig and Jeff why did you insist him : secretary our horse when he's clearly a cow oh man man god I'm sorry but don't go crazy he's gonna go crazy look calm down calm down calm go it's not worth it man it's the hook there kick his ass man kick his ass kick his ass and car guys don't worth it no just relax everyone just have a quiet moment it's quite moment all right we were right back you welcome back every welcome back my first guest is a beautiful and talented actress mm yeah I gonna have to take a rest though I went too far with the dancing you're right when you came over did it there did we are you okay man how's your front end okay the back end okay okay my back ends completely gone my first guest in my trousers yeah a mistake yeah the category three my first guys is a beautiful actress very talented like social is his film The Great Gatsby opens on fraidy take a look at this I love fresh air everybody Eila you look very very nice very elegant indeed your feet all right there here let me get you something okay hey go the old Tom Cruise stool area excuse the pun Tom Cruise's stool yeah exactly it's a category three actually this is very comfortable yeah I know I want to make you comfortable want you to be happy and comfortable in your little people well if we call it a Tom Cruise stool because we think that if Tom Cruise is ever on the show which is unlikely but if he's ever here I don't want his feet to not reach the floor cuz then he jumps on your furniture like you don't Oprah Oh to distract you I don't know if it's good with people's Elvis doing down a little well no it's alright these are very high chairs there it's an optical illusion sometimes we get people with very long legs sometimes but just not today yes you look nice your hair looks very Scottish thank you yeah oh it does well you cuz you're Scottish I remember thank you yeah Glasgow master bath game My Fair - Kate oh oh this is the second insult one minute easy easy first of all it wasn't an insult it was gonna like Bathgate us in row I didn't know you were a member of the royal family that's why I was gonna say yes I wasn't gonna say that you said it but you're right now I put a little bit of a cold I'm really I'm not gonna be making out with a warm out guy here and the bus and the robot I had I had terrible weekend how was your weekend I had a fun weekend really what'd you do well I flew back from New York where I've been nice waiting Gatsby did you fly your own plane it's possible you're a movie star you might have a plane you don't necessarily I'm a nervous flier I had a little more control when I'm a high I used to be a nervous flier baby yeah and I got a pilot's license no you didn't yes I did yes I did yes I got a pilot I do I took flying lessons I have a pilot's license no everyone else is a nervous flier and I'm like it's all good it's fine so wait I definitely don't think I have the mathematical abilities to get a pilot's not really a long-lasting little buttons in the gadget there's buttons and gadgets yeah but you know you're a woman you deal with buttons and gadgets all the time I really don't so you've got things and stuff they women make better pilots than men that's my theory but wait so now you're flying you're not afraid you were in the sky you think oh I could take over if something goes wrong they come over the PA they say the pilots had a heart attack the second pilot the copilot's down right Craig's here yeah that that okay that's a scenario which has never happened in the hundred year history of aviation you do understand that right I mean I know it's happened in movies but it's never ever actually ever happy you could fly a commercial flop you know a jet planes are plane I could probably I could get you you know above the airport I'll be happy with that yeah yeah and then you you probably be on your own for the last couple hundred feet oh that's scary no it's rantings the scariest part of flying that's where most of the accidents happened yes because you'd use very difficult to have an accident when you're in the sky and it's just clothes that's where the trouble is you know you hmm but it's alright I think you know it was a knocked-up that got me into it actually I really yeah cart Russell you know cart Russell yeah I do he's a very very good pilot and I told him was on the show I told him I was a nervous flier and he got me into it so I'll get you into it I'll bring my little stool will I and just fly the plane like oh no you just barely able to reach the Bell what's wrong I didn't know your the thing about your little legs they're not that little didn't even know they were little undulated they're Oh little they're not little your legs are not little we just have really big kids but we got them at discounted prices no you're not little at all and I'm worried that you're you're unnecessarily stressing yourself oh no I'm not I'm not I'm really just joking no you take a lot of oh when I fly yeah oh we start we circle back around um no no I'm good when I fly just try mean I'm not good I'm nervous inside but I just tried it you know deep breathing huge I feel like I'd knock on the cockpit door and say hello to the pilot and I hopefully by saying hello he I don't know somehow I have a silly I don't know it's not a suggestion no it won't crash because I've said hello to him that is really embarrassing to admit no no I think it's it's a it's an odd arrogance if you don't mind me saying so it is it's a weird no I feel the opposite I've given him love and I'm I really understand right and remind it you know I don't know I just feel like by saying hello I remind him you know a we're people back here we're not just you know don't get on your iPhone don't bring out the laptop when you're up in the sky yeah that hands on the wheel I don't know if they must remember I do that when I'm flying out playing they said no hands on the wheel what's the other one no bringing out your fucking I am doing every word that is cover oh no no listen I totally understand that I was exactly the same and and it's just a control issue you have to get rid of it you get out of it particularly if you want if you get rid of it by talking to the pilot well then you could be the pilot talk to yourself and go is cool I got it it's fine there's a way in my movie I play my file I've like the pilot and myself and just have that right you're like I'm I like and land this plane is good I'm awesome with this watch how I do this and the person next to me is just staring oh there'll be no one next to you you got to do it solo for a little while well hmm that's a frightening day Wow hmm you went up solo hmm I've never worn those trousers again tell me about the film for heaven's sakes it's the Gatsby in 3d yes that means they did an extra day we needed more more D together you know I love the movie I saw it in New York I start with a big you know mm cedar you know Stadium almost it was fun and larger than life and it's classic Baz Luhrmann directed yeah yeah he's Australian yeah yeah you gotta watch out for that what it's a joke it's a joke I know you're Australian that's all I'm just saying it I forgot you were story did you know I didn't forget a little bit um no I mean it's great it's a big cause Leo not a DiCaprio Xena oh yeah yeah yeah and see Australian a little bit little Australian mm-hmm he's not a stray lien what's wrong with you feel like wrong we didn't know he's a strong no but you know what a lot of the cast are Australian Elizabeth did you shoot in Australian we shot it in Australia that's life yeah it was really for Mary but in Sydney yeah we made Long Island in Sydney well suppose you could do that I can see that happening yeah how how it's a bit booth please I've been at both places and they're both kind of by the sea and sunshiny sometimes exactly you know Long Island doesn't have much in the way of deadly spiders but you can always get them yeah we had a special snake and spider Wrangler keeping the dip not that bad are they oh I'm joking though we didn't you took your life in your hands then yeah there's a lot of spiders in Australia there are a lot I feel like 9 of the 10 of the world's most dangerous spiders are in Australian Australia yeah I know and the other one is in Long Island okay cause it's not true but it might be we have to take a break uh yes don't worry though we're not in the sky aren't we if the pilot says that that's a very bad side we'll be right back with a lavage welcome back every day I'm here with isla Fisher we're on the telly now so we have to okay pretend we don't know each other or pretend we're great friends yeah that's what you do ahaha remember when we saw Larry David of that bar giving me anyone famous that Hollywood party and thank and think you know them and then realize you're doing they're just famous the time do that that's really embarrassing so embarrassing how do you get out of it I just go you over there or pretend I have to go to the bathroom very quickly oh nothing with yeah yeah no it's pretty bad what sorry what's that on your desk it's a snake cop I I've got this weird Freudian thing about my penis so I I have a snake cup for wear and also it's not very fat like I mean it's sort of shaped more like a ladies well I don't know much about your Australian ladies but in America oh and America the ladies don't have nothing Oh Oh ladies what oh you mean this they here yeah Oh what no oh just put that away lizard I can't believe you get so much sexual information from a pizza it's only a cop it's only a cop are you in therapy don't know are you gonna cycle I'll do it okay trot yeah I'll be the therapist here I put my hands together right all right all right okay so this is your first visit to me what's the accent well I'm just you know just a bit of flavor yes this is my first visit to you I see and you're frightened of flying correct this is what you need help with the fear of flying I see when you let this this question may seem weird to you but when you look at a piece of crockery or drinking utensil do you immediately think of a male or female sex organs both I see you spent a lot of time in Europe there yeah this is good anyway look we're out of time Oh mmm I'm relieved maybe yeah relieved that's okay I think you've revealed a great deal and we found out something along the way mm-hmm don't be too hard on yourself and remember always let your conscience be your cat fucking everything butter bike my next guest is an Oscar winning screenwriter he stars in community on Thursday nights on NBC primetime take a look at this Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean no weather welcome I didn't know whether you're gonna help me up the stairs I was gonna help you up the side I held my hand out and I was like I sigh can I help me upstairs all right I don't tell you why because you have enormous ly long legs I very much out there so long and I don't need to fetch a stool for I might need this oh yeah your legs are vey long I remember you leg at the Oscars you do not sing when you go yeah that was very cheeky did you get into trouble for that no I didn't actually I saw actually Brad was on Brad Pitt was on the other side of stage when we came off and he said go guys I don't know if it was about that but I think you know I think Brad any way to go guys I think it goes way to go guys everybody yeah I'm gonna start saying that people oh yeah you should yeah I'm gonna go way to go guys I'd do a little thing goes that say this went viral yeah I it'll dime I came out there yeah three people passed and did that good it's ending then became unpopular as I came out yeah it goes right it's quick it goes quick listen tell me about community I know are we doing another series after this one do we know what's happening we you know we will hopefully here soon whether there's a another it's a great show exact erisa clip that they showed there i think was more Joel's you know it was Joel's he did sell and I don't know cuz when we can talk to you right now or or get into that and I know it's a weird time to get into it but I think we should I think I think we know Joel know some people here I think that what you probably did is you replaced your clip with a clip that made him look good no no Joel said oh let's do the one where I'm in my underwear yeah I have one arm yeah as easy under underwear law do you guys walk around in underwear a lot a great way for us to get into our carriage I think it's fun I think it's good usually what we'll do is what we call it as a powwow time his words not mine how well time is in his trailer we just get down to our skivvies we run our lines we collapse into each other you know it's all that normal actory stuff yeah take a sip it feels like leader after an awkwardness yeah yeah I well I was trying to I just felt the necessary to go to my phallic substitute right then are you and Sarah saying how you protect yourself well kind of wait did you just ask them in therapy yeah how dare you yes are you I didn't have anything to eat your therapy really does have a Jungian flavor a Freudian thing is it cognitive precogs what is it ah it's sort of like that how what do they call it as technical term get on the floor and cry yeah oh yes yes I don't know what that come have you be the therapy a long time oh yeah I I you know I go in and out I I remember going to therapy when I was a young child a child we gonna get into this so I was it can I touch her knee yeah yeah if it helps a lot of my patients enjoy the knee I was I was a child of divorce who's the last key kid no I remember going as a child and that's one you got it was more fun because the room was just filled with toys right and you just go start playing and they just sort of watch you you don't have no idea so as you toss the comes there bahama no oh yeah yeah I prefer it mine does heavy toys are you a believer in it do you think it's helpful I think it helps me I like to talk out loud for about 50 minutes I could never do that no you couldn't wait do you have shorter sessions yeah yeah I longer your therapy sessions but three to four minutes oh yeah I can't I can't help I just kind of threw to a commercial and then we're done it's like we're done did your therapist get thrown off that you throw to a commercial I don't sort of commercial but you know I do find myself sometimes uh talking to people and I wish I can construct around ya know do you ever go out Hollywood party and miss Larry David Marshall right now no no no no okay no do you ever meet Larry David and I did I did a Curb Your Enthusiasm he didn't make the cut I was a guy in a salad bar that was taking too long and then Larry David berated it seems like there's a lot of the in Larry's life I think uh that's really his life isn't it I think that's why it's so freaky a series of hurdles yeah well that he hates I get the feeling he hates me and he doesn't even realize why that well I think I think but just cuz I was in front of him when I bet under the weekend of this party oh that's right the party yeah and I think he can I hates me and you thought you had met him is that right no way I have BAM he's been on the show okay yeah he has we know the show as they should we get verification know where I had that with Rhea Perlman I was convinced she'd been on the show she's never been on the show oh how did that go I never met her oh I mean I bit but at the party did you say I was so great having you on the show no no I never I never even made a party I was talking to Danny DeVito I said hey Terry ahyes and you know him and she was on the show even she's never been on the show I think I'm losing my mind yeah yeah a little bit should we start therapy you want to be the therapist we should just do group therapy together we'll do three meant 3 to 4 min therapy all right then and then what is there hugging at the end there's always collapsing and hugging I just told you that how well time look if we're not collapsing into each other by the end of 3 minutes then we're not really good friends maybe one of us is just Scotty should naturally reserve okay I'm gonna win you over to that okay it'll take some time it'll take some time well we gotta go a commercial oh no no actually we're kind of done okay okay great then so um well what an awkward pause fancy an awkward pause yeah let's do it okay they okay that was fun it's really a poll as though I like I like awkward action that's what I call it what's kind of night I like the little dance thing well oh the dance thank you let's stand by the fire and then go to the commercial whoo whoo whoo whoo that's crackling you can put one on there Jeffrey yes Greg Jim and I have decided to warm ourselves by the fire now please by all means Jim's my new Fred best friends we're best friends Ann's best friend in your face in your face way to go guys what's that breath you go way to go guys way to go good work good work that's that's a many actually very good yeah a good fire go ahead warm you warm your nuts go ahead good work if he was only eating why he did that'd be a perfect Brad Pitt put some food in my mouth go ahead yeah we have to say say good night everybody we have to go good night you

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Channel: Antonio FergusonFan

Views: 179,631

Rating: 4.7891655 out of 5

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Length: 39min 6sec (2346 seconds)

Published: Tue May 07 2013

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