Time to Blossom: Accepting My Transgender Daughter | Elizabeth August | TEDxPasadenaWomen

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you in 2010 my husband Sean I welcome the birth of our second son Ryder our oldest Ethan was so excited to be a big brother we dressed Ryder and his coming home outfit wrapped him in the green baby blanket that I knit for him and brought our little guy home a few years later at three-and-a-half unlike his big brother who had potty-trained easily Ryder was still struggling with pooping in the potty consistently his preschool suggested that we get him a toy that he could work towards the problem was is that I felt like I had no clue what toy would motivate my son I felt like I had tried everything already finally I decided that I would let Ryder choose anything he wanted I let him in on my idea when we were at the toy aisles of Target he looked at me sideways and asked anything I want I look down in my little three and a half year old and said sure anything to my surprise he shot right past the aisles with the cars trucks and Legos and zeroed in on the girl aisles as we walk down that first aisle Ryder's eyes widened while taking in the multitude of dolls there were dolls with long brown hair and pink sparkly dresses baby dolls that came with their own bottles so their mommy could feed them and at Ariel mermaid doll with a tail that really worked in the bathtub carefully he examined each doll as he neared the end of the aisle he looked back to make sure I was still following him and then he turned the corner in the next aisle he was mesmerised by the frilly princess dresses all of them decorated with an insane amount of glitter his little hands reached up to touch the Cinderella dress he noticed the high heels that would actually fit his little feet I could tell his heart was beating quickly underneath the blue hand-me-down shirt from his brother my heart was beating quickly too but for a completely different reason I glanced around at the other parents in the aisle wondering what they must be thinking about this obvious boy in the girl aisle his buzz cut a dead giveaway to his being a boy I steeled myself for the onslaught of confused stares furrowed brows and under the breath comments and then writer saw it his heart's desire it was a small pink and purple jewelry box with the tiara pink hand mirror and a beaded necklace this is what I want my very own jewelry box I knelt down next to my son looked him in the eye and asked are you sure he looked back at me hugged the jeweler box to his chest and nodded and was that my mom heart broke I could feel the hot tears just behind my eyes how could I have missed this for so long there had been so many signs and so many times writer had tried to tell us I just hadn't been listening hard enough memories from the past year came flooding back first the previous summer when he begged me for a purse and thinking he was confused I bought him a backpack and then the time when I took Ethan and Ryder to see frozen in the movie theater at one point I found Ryder lying on the aisle in the honest tummy his feet propped up behind him and his head in his hands I was shocked with how absorbed he was with the princesses on the screen a couple months after that for his third birthday he asked us for a dollhouse so we bought him a gender-neutral one only to find out later that what he really wanted was a pink Barbie Dreamhouse each of those actions when taken separately didn't seem to mean much to me but when I finally connected them all together I realized that it was his way of telling us who he really was inside and now this jewelry box this jewelry box was a new beginning in our journey together I knew I had to do something to remember that moment and that's when I took this picture Thanks this picture is not just one of a little boy in love with his new toy this picture is my reminder to constantly show my unconditional love and support for this little person that day I chose to love writer for who he was inside and out that day I chose to follow him on this journey on his journey wherever it would take us that day I chose to be the mommy he needs not the mommy I think I need to be growing up I was a tomboy I played cops and robbers with the boys across the street and I wouldn't have been caught dead in a dress I remember being accepted by the other kids in my neighborhood and now 30 years later my son was in a way just like me tomboy pink boy what's the difference why are we so quick to accept a girl who plays cops and robbers and is into sports yet we find it so difficult to accept a little boy who plays with dolls and is into princesses I want you to know that my way of thinking didn't change overnight in fact a couple weeks after this day at Target there was another day at Costco we were picking out Halloween costumes Ethan was easy he grabbed the first ninja costume he found writer after much deliberation picked out a Rapunzel costume and he know what I did I actually stuffed the Rapunzel costume under the seat in the cart and through Ethan's ninja costume on top I was so nervous about what other people would think about us about me when we finally arrived home the boys raced to their room to try on their new costumes suddenly the giggle stopped and I heard Ryder cry out this is horrible I ran down the hallway and open the door to the room that my book my boys shared there I find a writer on a pile of a carpet crying I knelt down beside him what's wrong he looked up at me through his tears and said my crown won't stay put I pulled them into my lap and as I wrapped my arms around him I glanced around his room and really saw it for the first time it was the epitome of a boy's room blue walls Legos baseball trophies in a closet full of boy clothes it was then that I realized that his room didn't match the person he was inside I looked down at his sweet face wiped the tears off his cheeks and said let's find something to keep that crown in place after I rummaged around the house a little bit an idea hit me and I ran to grab some pajama bottoms from his drawer I placed the elastic waistband around his head and situated his crown underneath then I wrapped it with some sparkly yarn to make a nice braid for him when he looked at his reflection in the mirror and saw himself with long hair for the first time his smile returned for the rest of the day he ran around the house not wanting to take off his new costume greedily I watched him I wanted to wash myself in this new reality I watched as he danced down the hallway twirling in circles his dress spinning with him I watched as he posed for pictures placing his hands just so as though he had studied models and fashion magazines I watched as he tried on my high heels to see which ones would look best with his new dress his first dress later that night after tucking my boys into bed under their matching blue quilts I locked myself in my bedroom I needed time time to reflect on all that had happened that day there had been laughter but also there were times when I found it difficult even painful to watch as my son presented as his true self that night the pain became unbearable and I lay on my bed and sobbed uncontrollably I knew I was losing my son and deep down there was a part of me that always knew Rider would leave me over the next year my husband and I watched as Ryder transformed into a confident gender creative boy we found an incredibly supportive therapist who helped us navigate our journey we also read every book we could find on the subject of gender expansive youth one book the transgender child a handbook for families and professionals discusses for signs that most transgender children share when they're trying to reveal their true identity to their parents and caregivers when I read the checklist it was like a mental checklist popped up in my head first watch your child's bathroom behavior does Ryder pee sitting down nope the next swimsuit aversion does Ryder insist on wearing a girl's bathing suit no the third underwear does Ryder prefer girl cut underwear yes and finally toys does rider insist on playing with girl toys definitely we were two for four and the relief I felt was overwhelming I was hoping Ryder wasn't transgender at that point in my journey being transgender was something that I didn't completely understand and I thought that to admit that he was transgender would mean he would have a more challenging life than his brother Ethan and I just wasn't ready to accept that yet but the more I read the more I realized that if Ryder truly were transgender and we forced him to live as a boy it would be detrimental to his own self acceptance that okay that same summer we discovered gender spec spectrum a nonprofit that provides resources support and training for families and other youth serving organizations as part of their work they facilitate parent support groups of parents with gen with gender expansive Youth are during our first experience at gender spectrum we heard stories about all different types of kids some who were older than writer some who were younger some who were gender creative some who were transitioning and some who were gender fluid our topics of conversation ranged from how parents knew their kids were gender expansive to how parents were navigating with the other kids in their family Seana were so excited to meet families with stories so similar to our own we felt understood and accepted for the first time that was also the night we met Nora and our lives changed Nora's son had just recently transitioned to living as a girl and had changed her name to Emma Emma was only a month older than writer and it felt like their lives are on the same path and then I couldn't wait to get the two of them together Sean and I knew that this first playdate could be a turning point for writer in his journey towards understanding his gender identity from the minute Emma opened the door they were inseparable there were reflections of each other both with dresses and matching short hair they ran back and forth between Emma's room in the living room modeling all of Emma's dress-up clothes in her closet and then it happened writer picked his head out from the hallway I looked over and said come on out writer let's see what you have on as he turned the corner he said look mommy I'm wearing one of Emma's bathing suits it was a cute girls two-piece swimsuit and it was the first time that I saw my daughter as her authentic self over the next couple of months writer continually spoke to me about wanting to be a girl when he got older I was reassured by this I thought that if he truly were transgender he would tell me that he wanted to be a girl now or that he was a girl I wasn't resisting it out of fear like I had the previous summer I was resisting it because I wanted writer to be the one to lead us in his transition I had learned that day in target how important it was to completely listen to my son and I wanted to be the mommy he needed me to be so I kept listening then three months before his fifth birthday he told Shana that he was going to be a girl when he turned five that day we sat down had a heart-to-heart writer told us that he truly felt like a girl inside and that we were the ones who were confused because we thought he was a boy that day writer asked us to be hit to be our daughter there were tears but also there were hugs and kisses that day we listened to writer completely and we accepted her as our daughter writers smile brightened It was as though a weight had been lifted off of her we had come so far in the last year and a half we had learned to look for the clues our son had been leaving for us we had learned to listen to our daughter completely and to follow her lead on her gender expression we also learned to love her for who she was inside and out we learned that sometimes it is in the act of letting them go of the son you thought you knew in order to open your heart to the daughter who was always there thank you
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Channel: TEDx Talks
Views: 194,587
Rating: 4.7874999 out of 5
Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Health, Activism, Beauty, Behavior, Biology, Body, Body language, Brain, Bullying, Cause, Championship, Change, Childhood, Children, Choice, Classroom, Cognitive science, Communication, Community, Compassion, Connection, Consciousness, Control, Cooperation, Curiosity, Decision making, Depression
Id: 9LTaBGDrw4M
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Length: 15min 54sec (954 seconds)
Published: Tue Nov 22 2016
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