This is Why Narcissists Want You to Be Jealous: New Research Will Shock You

so you and your significant other goes to a party all is well until you look across the room and you notice that your significant other seems awfully chummy with someone else someone who might make you feel a little threatened maybe it's someone of the opposite sex or same sex whatever y'all are into and you feel a little jealous you try not to because you're not jealous by nature maybe but you look and you just feel like that just doesn't seem right you know better than to confront the person during the party because you've tried that before and never goes well for you so when you get home you decide to go ahead and confront them of course they say to you stop being so jealous and insecure you're so controlling I'm my own person and if you don't like it you shouldn't have acted like that in the first place you're confused and after arguing all night because of course that's what the narcissist wants you to do you end up begging for forgiveness and apologizing for the trouble sound familiar if so this videos for you we're going to talk about why narcissus want to make you jealous and how you can handle that let's get started my name is Angie I consented on this channel they offer free daily video coaching to help you discover understand and overcome a narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships I like to call it toxic relationship rehab sound good there so hit that subscribe button and let's going in a study that was done by Gregory tor toriello a psychologist from the University of Alabama they tested narcissists to find out why they want to make you jealous the study author says yeah look there's some normal stuff about narcissus he says they do pursue goals just like everybody else he says we're just finding that in these situations and romantic relationships it's to a slightly greater degree and it includes shocking stuff so this guy is fellow authors were like well we're really interested in this because we found out that in other research it showed that narcissists were commonly sabotaging their relationships they used behaviors such as flirting with other people in order to ruin their relationships and the researchers then theorized okay well these behaviors are impulsive and the narcissist can't help themselves however tor toriello and his colleagues decided that and what there's something else to this they must be doing it on purpose what they found was fascinating so anyone who spent any significant amount of time around a narcissist is probably aware that oftentimes these types of people want desperately for you to be jealous of any and everything they can make you jealous about they provoke jealousy by talking about how attractive other people are or making little comments about how it would be fun to date this person or that person or worse commenting on how you compare what your shortcomings are compared to the other person for example one of my clients said to me that his wife would talk about how much more money this other guy made than him and how much better her life would be had she married this other guy that's really messed up right and that's just one of many terrible examples I could tell you about since we know that narcissists tend to be very insecure people by Nature it doesn't seem to make sense that they would do anything to try to threaten their romantic relationships but we all know that's not the case of these guys right or girls so some researchers earlier this year decided that they were going to figure out exactly why that was I find this so fascinating so the first thing the researchers point out is that a there are two types of narcissism which we go there's the grandiose and then there's the vulnerable type right so just as a quick refresher the grandiose type tends to be confident and outgoing and seems to not have a whole lot of anxiety when it comes to social stuff and most people would be able to see a grandiose type and go hmm that person is little bit arrogant or that person's a narcissist but the vulnerable narcissist as we all know is just a little harder to detect they kind of come across a little bit shy they might be quiet they might have social anxiety they tend to act like they're a little better than people they they seem all irritated and annoyed with everybody in the world sometimes they act like they're better than people even though they secretly or publicly hate themselves but either way whether you're talking about a grandiose narcissist or a vulnerable narcissist the researchers say that both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are commonly doing things that destroy their relationships and I think we all know that that's that's not news to us is it so in this study the researchers pointed out certain examples of behaviors that they were looking for and then digging into and you probably might recognize these behaviors as I explained them to you one of them was that narcissists tend to act distant and uninterested when they are in a committed relationship once you get past the love-bombing phase right they tend to form platonic relationships platonic relationships with people of the opposite sex or same-sex whatever y'all are into and then they act like hey this shouldn't bother you and if you act upset or jealous they go off and they tell you oh you're crazy how could it be like that what's going on with you what's wrong with you they might say that if you think I'm cheating maybe I really will start cheating I should just do it if you think I'm doing it anyway right or they may say maybe we shouldn't be together maybe I should dump you since you can't let me have my friends they may choose to pick up on everything about you that they don't like it starts talking about it and how much better this other person is about it they may just blazingly blatantly flirt and just be like too freakin bad deal with it bottom line narcissists are known to do things that hurt you or make you feel insecure and make you jealous and then they blame you and they call you crazy when you overreact or when you react like a normal healthy person would react they tell you you're crazy they start picking picking picking you're always pulling me apart you're always you're always judging me you're always investigating me everything's terrible la la la y'all know what I'm talking about don't you do you let me know in the comments what kind of crap have you heard like that alright moving right along so the study authors wanted to find out exactly what made narcissists want to make people jealous they used the five motives for inducing romantic jealousy scale and they tested the people in this study who were narcissists with a rating tool which is actually called the mir jay has or the motives for inducing romantic jealousy scale I find so interesting so after they had already determined that these people were narcissist they use this test so the five motives identified are as follows the first one is power and control the motive is power and control and the idea is the description according to the eye jas is exerting one's power over the partner to gain leverage and a sample would be I want to gain power over my partner revenge according to the MIR Jas is retaliating due to partner inducing jealousy and him or her so they're retaliating against you because you made them jealous and the sentence that goes with that man is I want to get revenge because my partner made me jealous the other ones are testing or strengthening the relationship and that is officially defined as increasing relational closeness by testing the relationship and the sentence that's included with that one is I want to test my partner's love for me security is the next one increasing relational closeness by testing the relationship is that motive I want to test my partner's love for me is what the narcissist would say and finally compensatory self esteem needing relationship or partner for approval I want assurance that my relationship is strong the narcissist would say or I feel inadequate so the study involved 237 students undergrad students and they also completed various other measures of the NPI narcissistic personality inventory which by the way you can get a queen being calm if you want to check that out the pathological narcissism inventory another one and the mock 4 also known as Machiavellianism so how you say that anyway and the Rosenberg self-esteem scale and this was in addition to completing the romantic jealousy induction scale so researchers were able to measure the various correlations among various aspects of narcissism you know and the motives to make the partners jealous so what the researchers found was really interesting so grandiose narcissist or the more out there overt narcissist they're more likely to try to make you jealous in order to achieve a certain goal so they'll kind of pre plan this stuff they decide in advance what they're gonna do they plan it out and they do it they execute the plan right this is what's really interesting is that the vulnerable narcissist the one that you least expect they're motivated by a whole other thing they're motivated by power and control motives and insecurities interestingly though when I find I find this fascinating the grandiose narcissists had a lower tendency less of a tendency to use jealousy to help them feel better about themselves so they're not so concerned about the low self-esteem issue when it comes to this stuff they were more likely the overt or grandiose narcissist were more likely to use jealousy and other tactics in order to make relationship goals happen so they wanted to test the relationship they wanted to strengthen the relationship etc they wanted to see how you would react although vulnerable narcissists again we're more likely to do it in an unplanned way and on an emotionally driven level so the overt narcissist is more likely to make you to do it on purpose to mean it to do it just to test you or just to test the relationship or to get some goal met there they're more sneaky about it they plan ahead they're kind of evil that way whereas the covert or the vulnerable narcissist is going to be less likely to sneak around they're just going to do it out of pure emotion they're gonna do because they feel insecure or where they feel jealous or they feel upset about something you understand to gain power so if you've watched my videos on psychopathy or you've seen what other people have said about what a psychopath is then you know that a psychopath is more likely to be an overt narcissist or a grandiose type yeah and even in this study they noticed that more psychopaths are grandiose narcissist than vulnerable types so while grandiose narcissists are more likely to try to take revenge against you before hurting them or doing something to them they're less likely to do that with using jealousy for these people you're gonna the grandiose types going to dig into the emotional abuse or the physical abuse in order to take or violence of some sort usually in order to take revenge whereas with the vulnerable narcissists again it's all about the insecurity it's all about the emotions that lead them to that moment because they get defensive and they go on the offense and their responses are straight out of emotional distress so now that we understand why they do it let's talk about how we can get through it and get past it so what is jealousy well basically jealousy is a reaction an emotional one to something that has happened to us in the past it's a reaction to some sort of a past ultimately without going into a bunch of detail most of us most humans in fact have a certain fear of being abandoned being left by someone we love or care about and that wound becomes triggered when something happens that reminds us of what hurt us before so maybe it's just as simple as your parents got divorced when you were a child or maybe it's as simple as someone cheated on you in the past or someone abandoned you in the past and you were very hurt by that regardless of what the wound is that's why we become jealous so quickly sometimes but the narcissist plays on this and exacerbates it whether they met you or not as we just discussed depending on the type of narcissist they are the wound the fear it has all become a part of us it surfaces every time the narcissist tries to make us jealous it's not helpful it starts to control us so now this is a controlling factor in our lives and it's not helpful so what do we do about it well I'm gonna tell you something I spent a long time feeling very very gentleness for no good reason but it didn't matter the wounds aren't important anymore this situation isn't important anymore but I recall being so jealous that I couldn't function at some times and it was directly as a result of the way I had been treated in the past so how do we heal the wounds how do we overcome the jealousy how do we get past this but we have to understand first of all that jealousy works as a control tactic because it taps into those wins it works because we aren't really aware that it's happening in the first place and if we don't look deeper into what happens it becomes an unseen power over us so the first step to fixing jealousy is to recognize it to be aware of it recognize when you've been jealous don't look away nobody wants to acknowledge the part of us that we aren't that proud of right because then we would have to admit that we're not always perfect we know we're not perfect don't we but it's important because if we can't recognize it it continues to maintain power over us so recognize it take the time to acknowledge it but yourself become scared anxious afraid of abandonment angry at other people who threaten you angry at the people they're flirting with angry at them for flirting angry them for not can your just enough and not really so into you that they don't care about other people listen it's understandable that you would be hurt when someone violates your trust its justified especially in this case but you also have to know that it's not your fault the narcissist does what they do for their own reasons that are often unrelated to you directly they would do this if they were with you over some other famous models is so sexting that everybody can't stand it or whatever it doesn't matter who they're with it's not about you particularly it's always about them and their own issues as you begin to heal you must grow so I'm going to give you some tips real quick number one try not to act on the jealousy remember that the narcissist is seeking supply and if you act jealous and upset they like that even if they threaten you and they complain to you and they yell at you and they say you're so controlling why aren't you more securing yourself lalalalala doesn't matter they're doing it for supply they like it when you feel jealous they do even if they protest otherwise they do when you recognize it pause watch the theater watch the urges of jealousy watch the urge to act on it just let it be what it is don't allow the jealousy to take our word don't let it rule your actions and if you need to step away and take some time to deal number two imagine your better self imagine who you want to be do you like to be jealous or would you rather be so secure and confident that nothing affects you like that imagine your better self and then act accordingly number three let go of the suffering when you act in jealousy it will hurt you and it may hurt other people who the narcissist is involving in the situation it doesn't feel good to you so you have to see that you're causing yourself to hurt and you're causing the other person to hurt you're causing suffering you don't want to live like that it's cause because you're scared and that's understandable but if you try to act with compassion toward yourself and toward the victim that the narcissist is using against you it's gonna change things for the better so react with compassion for yourself and the other person and let go of the fear number four let go of your attachment to the narcissist it's understandable that's your person even if they're a jerk it's your dark right but holding on to them is hurting yourself so practice letting go if you hope to leave the narcissist in the future anyway it might be easier foods to imagine letting go of them as you go forward it does get easier as a practice and finally number five in a healthy relationship I would tell you to be less self-centered and more focused on what's really happening in the situation but in this toxic environment I'm going to tell you to be a little more self centered because the fact is that as much as we would like to believe that we're in a healthy normal relationship or not we were I was you are or were in a relationship with someone who is toxic someone who will intentionally hurt you without thought without consideration for your feelings so you need to be a little more self centered and I'm going to tell you right now the best thing you can do if someone attempts to induce jealousy in you on purpose or otherwise the best thing you can do is turn around and walk away from that situation when you're talking about a toxic narcissist using jealousy as a tool that hurt you or control you or test you is unacceptable in a relationship don't fall for it don't fall for it recognize that the narcissist may be doing the set of insecurities or they may be doing it intentionally to hurt you in either case it's not your problem and you can let go of it by recognizing that this person is not on your team and they never will be as you move forward you want to understand that that you will want to not be jealous of people in general you don't want to be jealous of people for their success or for their happy marriages or anything like that you want to be happy for them because then you draw more of that to yourself in that case it's a whole other ball of wax we're just talking about relationship general see right now jealousy isn't something we can just let go of it is pervasive it sneaks up and in and takes over our souls but it's a wound that needs healing a hurt that requires our compassion for ourselves it helps us to move beyond jealousy if we heal ourselves it's something that we learn with practice it's something that we learn with learning to love ourselves if you'd like me to go into better details on how to handle the jealousy leave me a comment below and let me know and now it's time for the question of the day and the question of the day is have you experienced jealousy in a relationship with a narcissist and if you have how'd it go for you tell me your story tell me what happened to you tell me about your experiences and tell me how you dealt with it and if you haven't experienced jealousy tell me why not tell me was it just that you were so secure in yourself it didn't bother you or was it something else let me know share your thoughts in your comments below and let's talk about it all right that's all I got here right now thanks so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey thanks for let me be a part of yours it really does mean a lot to me I'll be soon it's my mission to teach others what I know to be true you really can create the life you want take care of your body take care of your soul nurture the real you and introduce him or her to the world be comfortable in your own skin and in your place in this world take your spot take it now and the universe will take a cue from you you feel me if so subscribe to my channel let's get it done together

Channel: Angie Atkinson

Views: 146,817

Rating: 4.9061489 out of 5

Keywords: narcissistic abuse recovery, npd, narcissists in relationships, Gregory K. Tortoriello, university of alabama research, Do narcissists try to make romantic partners jealous on purpose?, intimate partner, relationships, jealousy, narcissism, relationship advice, divorce, narcissistic supply, infidelity, narcissistic personality disorder, cerebral, somatic, cheating, angie atkinson, narcissists and jealousy, why narcissists want to make you jealous, cluster b, toxic relationships

Id: 01I7yYTJxyE

Length: 18min 42sec (1122 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 06 2017