Things you could go WITHOUT knowing!

what's something you could have gone without knowing my mom innocently pointed out to me yesterday that my birthday is exactly nine months after hers i don't think i ever needed to realize that the average blue whale ejaculation is the same amount of gallons that the average hot tub can hold my uncle died in a motorcycle accident a few years back he died slowly on the asphalt scared in extreme pain most of my family doesn't know that i learned recently that my unborn son is already getting erections inside me i could have been okay never knowing that that my parents made sex tapes recorded over the sandlet still can't watch that movie i probably would be a lot more mentally stable if i never found out my family tree is filled with incest guy killed two teenage boys so he can impersonate a cop and tell the parents of their son's death and see them break down at receiving the news one of my parents cheated on the other i'm not angry at the cheetah because the other parent isn't a good spouse but i still would have preferred not knowing and they will never know that i know that my grandma has a toy in her closet thanks mom my cousin died when he was riding passenger with his wasted step dad cops told us he didn't die instantly he burned to death and probably felt most of it that there's a theory that the challenger astronauts survived the initial explosion but died cause of the long-ass fall edit i meant the impact from the fall that there's some guy out there on this earth who freaked the coconut filled with maggots that my mom has a delicious according to her ex my mom came to visit me for a bit before having to pick up my sister from the airport she came to my apartment exhausted after what i assumed was a busy day of work she passed out on the couch her phone bust with a text notification and i leaned over to read expecting it was a notice that her plane had landed yeah mom i never told her i read that text i was going through my mom's bedroom after she died and found her vibrator stashed close to the bed i started laughing hysterically because it was the same one i have anne you know weird emotional swings from grief as i sat there holding it and laughing my brother walked in his reaction ah back massager my grandpa who is 90 openly talking about his sex life with his lady friend definitely cold lived without this so this story is one that i rarely let out of the darkness please enjoy at 18 i was engaged to an older man things weren't going quite well and my mother being concerned invited me over for dinner to try and prize the information on the 30 minutes ride back home now being raised in an lds family there were some things we just never discussed sex being one of them driving on the highway at 70 miles per hour my beloved mother starts asking if the issue has anything to do with his performance in the bedroom i'm stunned speechless giving her the opportunity to gift me with these gems in her way of trying to get me to share 1. my dad has a large bean 2. they have not had sex in a few years 3. she walked into the unlocked bathroom and caught a glimpse of my brother coming out the shower and his peen was bigger than my dad's at this point watching the scenery fly past in a blur i honestly considered jumping out of the car i'm still not sure if i should be thankful of the self-locking doors but my life could have continued easily without knowing those bits of information edit after having a shockingly bad day at work this made me smile thanks reddit to answer a few comments and messages i got quickly yes we are latter-day saints no i do not know the accurate measurements of either peen no i didn't stay with the older guy 17 years difference and him being an utter ordeal just didn't work out yes my brother is happily single no incest is not a family hobby for us i saw an episode of monsters inside me where someone was running or biking and had a fly hit their eye it was something that happened less than a second but it was enough for the fly to lay some eggs in their eye and almost made them go blind because of that i could have gone without knowing that because now i'm always scared whenever a fly hits me in the face that my boss is sleeping with the nearly dead old gm and that's why she never gets in trouble who p goldberg has no eyebrows anything my friend slash family tell me about me x what she's doing ect don't want to no our bones are wet when i was in grade 9 i went to take your kid to work day my mom worked at a teaching hospital and she arranged for me to do some cool things like watch her heart surgery and ultrasound she also arranged for me to check out the morgue because the morticians were too big mostly funny guys i was shown the baby draw and was told the procedure if there were too many dead babies to hold in the small drawers at the end of the tour your sweet innocent grandma probably choked on a at a moment in her life if you break your wrist and arm in a particular way it'll hurt really badly for four solid years that i'll never come up with a groundbreaking ass credit question as much as i might try my disease is regressive and will one day disable me maybe worse we have zero defense against asteroid impact at least we can spot them before we die about 80 percent of the things that send me to urbandictionary.com recently someone posted a video of man sucking a woman's foot whilst driving i never needed to know that was a thing what it's like to sneeze while on the first day of your period there's a duck out there watching me most of your student loan debt goes to things completely unrelated to what you learn or the people teaching you you're essentially funding a bureaucratic hierarchy of program managers i'm surprised no one has mentioned ducky from land before time that there are people who believe the earth is flat i've seen my mom's while working on her phone she asked how to delete multiple photos at once and i showed her how sadly those pics were some of the first ones on there two girls one cup i wish i had never seen a hip surgery on tv or any other surgery for that matter that all milk chocolates approved by the fda must have less than 60 insect fragments per 100 grams according to abc news there are about eight insect parts per milk chocolate bar that my actions stress the hell out of my parents i'm a student between high school and college on a gap year seriously it makes decisions much harder knowing that if i mess up it hurts more than just me my grandfather had a bestiality erotica book in his nightstand a close friend of mine died by stabbing himself in the throat seven times oh i've got one my dad once told me in confidence that as a young man he was driving down the highway getting a bj from his and girlfriend not my mom and suddenly the driver next time to them noticed and started to stare open mouthed that car proceeded to swerve into the oncoming lane immediately getting pulverized by a semi my dad told me there were at least three people in that car as far as i know i'm the only person on earth who knows this story well then that girl maybe worked as a cop had a 21 year old guy ride a motorbike the twisty way to a friend's house didn't arrive on time dad rings us upset and we do our investigation he left on time with a full tank of fuel and his phone pinged the way he told dad he was going talked to his friends and we knew he wasn't lying to dad he'd crash somewhere we had a town of 16 000 people and two cops on for the night so we couldn't go look along the 240 kilometer route dad and friends drive a route the next day found son unfortunately dead he'd cooked it on a corner and put the bike into a ditch i felt terrible that there was nothing we could do on the night found out he'd taken his helmet off and crawled almost to the road and died in the dark on his own and may be wondering if anyone was looking for him never met the dad but contemplated driving the three hours to tell him i was sorry i couldn't do more what it feel like to be in a major car accident that my ex-girlfriend cheated on me the same night we had celebrated my birthday we had dinner together but she had to head home because of an emergency apparently she had some netflix and chill action with some tinder guy she had been seeing for a while i paid for the dinner of course also she told me that i probably was the only one of all her boyfriends who according to her deserved to be cheated on since i was too nice caring too much about her well that still hurts that there are dancing boys in afghanistan called bacha bazi they are prepubescent boys who are forced into sexual slavery gelatin or gelatine is a translucent colorless brittle flavourless food ingredient that is derived from collagen obtained from various animal body parts that the placebo effect can work in reverse i.e make legit medicine not work as sharpies eel soup super internet video that shows a japanese girl inserting a funnel in another girl's ass the first girl then puts several dozen one-inch baby eels in the funnel and makes sure they all go into the other's ass the funnel is then taken out and the second girl starts farting the eels out of her ass the first girl then eats and sucks on some meals dude you gotta watch eel soup this chick farts out eels i looked this crap up on a school field trip with my friends that my ex-girlfriend cheated on me literally for a sweet tea from clernaud's i read the text messages all told she was banging seven other guys doing sexual stuff with them she never would with me i could have lived forever not knowing how worthless i was to her i wish she would have dumped me like an adult it's six years later and i just hit two years with my current girl who is amazing and am just now finally starting to relax and not constantly expect a dagger in my back and heart don't cheat people just leave nobody deserves that pain and those mental scars there was a post about bullies a while back apparently this girl killed herself and the bullets came to the wake and made fun of her dress in the casket ted bundy used to reverse hit the sights where he dumped his victims corpses in order to have a sex with the bodies over and over again until they were physically to decompose to penetrate anymore that a family friend of my gfs family is a gynecologist and he had a patient who stuck yams up her back for some reason and it had started growing roots as a hypochondriac every disease or sickness that ever happened ever that every time a fly lands on you it pukes that my sister isn't a horse 30 and my mother visits fat life the great filter theory a coworker gave me an sd card for my new phone it belonged to his roommate who happened to be my boss i load the sd card into my laptop to clear out the memory and i find all his naked selfies worse yet he was wearing a baseball cap and socks in each one being around cockroaches will make you allergic to cockroaches cockroaches can and will drink your sweat while you sleep cockroaches will cannibalize their young when hungry enough there is enough cockroach mass and programmed coffee to trigger you're an allergic reaction if you're allergic to cockroaches that my ex gf slept with someone a day after we broke up she told me yesterday we broke up three days ago bummer man the existence of slash in our internet very much in sfl like scrub your internet history because the nsa might start wondering about you kind of an sfl the taste of dog poop every time you yawn a ghost puts its peen in your mouth my dad told me one night after a few too many drinks that my mother they are not together anymore was really bad at giving head we have a close relationship and talk about everything but i told him he had to draw the line there does opening this thread count i'm kinda regretting it my cousin was one of the pilots of mh17 when they initially found his body it was strapped to the aeroplane seat but they didn't recover the body immediately when the people involved came over to collect the body the next day the corpse was on the ground away from the seat valuables gone i just can't help thinking about how crappy some people are to rob a corpse that died under horrible circumstances i was the result of a quickie at least now i have a better gamer tag the swamps of dagobah dog meat festival i can come around to the fact that people eat dogs it's the fact that they brutally torture them that messed with me specifically the video footage of said torture that people actually believe the holocaust didn't happen forms of torture in the olden days involved inflicting pain without causing death vaul the impeder would sometimes cut holes near the top and base of his victim's spines and impale them on wooden spikes to hang in the sky for days before dying of dehydration the fact that people perfected non-lethal forms of extreme torture is simply terrifying my pain threshold sucks most of the figs from a classic fig tree contain at least one dead wasp marshmallows are made of animal skin that george harrison continued to do cocaine and sleep around while he was married to his second wife really undermines his spiritual side and makes jon luck better by comparison grandparents were swingers they gave away one child for not being his but we tracked her down a few years ago and she looks identical to one of her sisters while one they kept looks different i know what color my bones are i know what a black widow bite feels like i know what being on fire feels like when my nephew died unexpectedly my sister struggled to open the door to his uni flat every time she tried to push it open it would make a solid thunk noise against something she finally brute forced it open knocking my nephew's body out of the way he died curled up by the door cold and alone also because his body hadn't been found in over 24 hours and he had been laying face down he had pressure sawzall across his cheek jaw and nose my sister pointed out where they were on her own face so that really helps me imagine how my lifelong best friend looked after he died that one has haunted me for almost two years my brother's father long story thinks that lucy liu was a 30 star and was one of his favorite girls a snail has over 2 000 teeth last time i was in chicago i sent a selfie to my dad in front of the wrigley field marquee after the world series win because he's a big fan he sent back you were conceived 2.5 blocks from there disclaimer this is rather dark my teenage sibling confessed to me that she had had sexual experiences when she was younger and i thought okay this is weird telling me this and i don't know why she's so nervous but i'll try to figure out where and who and how after some conversation it turned out she was eight years old and it was with our 20 year old cousin whom we see semi regularly he's like 27 and married now a year later the cousin made an abrupt visit to our home i couldn't keep it in and took him and my mom to the living room and told him to confess he started apologizing and confessing to having touched me as a young child which i have no memory of i'm not going to continue this story as that answers the question and it is going to be lost in the comments anyway i was born roughly nine months after my parents wedding anniversary i used to love to squeeze balloons in people's faces as a toddler apparently so my mother told me to stop because if the balloon pops it can take someone's eye out i've been afraid of balloons for 20 years how long the needle is to numb you before a vasectomy things about my ex after we broke up sorry for the downer the way my mom looks completely naked doing a yoga pose on her lofted bed so her creepy hairy junk was at my eye level i was 10. my eyes still hurt murder of junko fioruta i'm forever scarred the story is now embedded in my mind and i wish it wasn't i woke up during my wrist surgery i looked up to see my wrist cut open although it did not hurt at all i looked to my right side and the anesthesiologist said i'm assuming you want to go back to sleep and before i could say yes i passed out existentialism i was happy in my closed little world now it's freaking hell after losing a battle apes tend to wank thanks cyanide what my parents genitalia look like that my ex was cheating on me and broke up with me over text at 1am over text while i was asleep and some class people for frick's sake walt disney never drew mickey mouse that my grandfather is uncircumcised he was in the hospital for a cancer scare and he says he has to pee and to give him a second so everyone starts filing out of the room and my aunt goes jones soda 2003 stay here in case he needs some help to which i replied with her but being the good jude i'm i helped him hold the p bottle tight against his junk until he could get a good enough grip to hold it himself do i feel bad about helping an old man out absolutely not will i ever be able to get that memory out of my head absolutely not haha some friends of mine were killed in a car accident it was so horrific that everyone assumed they died upon impact i read the official report and found out the first responders reported they were still alive for a few minutes i haven't told any of my other friends a last year my boss at the pc repair shop i worked at died i was told by the other workers that it was his heart and that it was a long-term condition that he had i then foolishly googled him after that for an unrelated reason and the top result was that he was found by his wife the same saturday that i worked with him with a bag held around his head he killed himself and i was the last person to speak to him i had no clue anything was wrong that job cured my suicidal depression but killed him instead frick depression the condition my dad is in i was on vacation and taking a trip with my mom a few months ago she and i were bonding by opening up to each other about sex and relationships since i'm an adult and everything now she mentions to me your dad tends to have problems in the bedroom whenever he drinks whiskey this is already tmi but i just try to tuck this to the back of my mind the second we get back from our vacation and as i'm heading out the door of my parents place i hear my dad say to my mom i made sure i didn't have any whiskey tonight worst part after 15 minutes of driving home i realized i left something at my parents place as i turned around and headed back to their place i made sure to call them and said i left something there when i showed up they seemed to be in such a great mood all of a sudden i guess that i have given them just enough time that when somebody is cremated occasionally there is still moisture trapped in the muscles and tendons of the body the heat of the fire can make these muscles and tendons expand slash contract and the body begins thrashing around in the chamber i don't usually tell people about this because i don't want to be the one who makes them imagine granny convussling as if she were in pain even though she's long been deceased full-grown pigs are smarter than three-year-old humans not sure if i'll ever go vegan but i'm done eating pork outside of special occasions that my overweight lesbian boss got laid in her truck and she broke a cup holder in the process that some people actually stand up to wipe that a duck has a corkscrew-shaped bean and how ducks have sex with that corkscrew pain don't google prolapsed rectum no seriously don't i know you guys want to do it now since i said not to but you really don't want to know just don't your last moments in unbrazen bull would be spent in claustrophobic pitch black cacophony fighting the other occupants for who could get on top in a futile attempt to escape the singeing hot metal that is your casket fear of death fear of the dark fear of small spaces fear of burning all in one agonizing event to the pungent smell of burning hair and flesh no less after my parents died i found about 70 pairs of ladies underwear in my dad's workshop when i was cleaning it out [Music] [Music] [Music] you

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Keywords: reddit, askreddit, askreddit funny, top posts, top posts of r/, r/, r/askreddit, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, top posts of all time, askreddit question, askreddit top posts, ask reddit, askreddit reading, subreddit, reddit stories, best of r/askreddit, funny reddit, best reddit posts, best of reddit, reddify, toadfilms

Id: 0rn_ln0_6I4

Length: 22min 31sec (1351 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 21 2020