Things we’re unlearning: Beliefs and habits that gotta go!🚪 - Ep 88

let's say somebody has been cheating on you with five women a month now it's three are you going to oh that's lovely that's progress are you going to wait I can see that there's been ever before this chlamydia I can see that there's effort and maybe maybe he has a baby hi guys here it's Lydia km and we're back again with another episode of the messy in between it's definitely [Applause] [Music] that is energy from two people who wanted to be asleep rainy Thursday but we've had a beat a face beat yeah and we're looking cute yeah and look at us there's something about our face with the dress that's it I can conquer if we didn't conquer yeah you would be able to come away from bed and be like I was just like I was sitting there you know what that reel that goes like what if I just yeah Israel who you don't live with I went to their house and then that happened Israel is her nephew by the way in case you don't follow her on Instagram which you should follow her on Instagram anyway guys welcome to a brand new episode of TMI podcast we are so happy that you could join us if this is your first time here please subscribe Please Subscribe because we are starting to enjoy the content and we feel like this should be like quid pro quo okay we give you guys something really great content and you give us something just subscribe that's all you have to do it costs nothing it takes literally I don't know maybe one MB of your data and it will really really help our channel so please do subscribe we would appreciate that also follow us on our social media TMI podcast we usually use our platform there to to build on content that we are talking about here so even like during the week if you always feel like why do they only have episodes on Wednesdays when I feel like when you follow us it's kind of like you have episodes all week because you're chatting with people you're getting content and then also like for for episodes we are planning to shoot we'll ask you questions and we'll engage you so even when you watch the episode you're like hey that's my point yes okay 100 it's so worthwhile it feels more intimate yeah yeah absolutely so what are we talking about today please my princess so today this is a topic that Joe came up with and for whatever reason I somehow struggled with it but the second I saw the feedback yeah it was so interesting but I don't know if I was getting it right yeah but then I got it right you got it anyway today we're going to be talking about things we are unlearning yeah because as we are growing yes you are learning how to be better with money you are learning how to do your makeup you're learning how to take care of your health your skin whatever secure the bag but there are things that we need to unlearn as well and this is inspired by I put point that murugi had made on one of the episodes where she was saying that um we need to unlearn some of our gender roles so like how I was saying that you know my man can't wear yeah a dress where did I learn that men don't wear dresses that men don't cry so we are going to be talking about some of the things that we are unlearning because when you're growing up you have so much conditioning right gender roles um um how to deal with money who you are as a person how you show up as a woman many things so that's what we're going to be talking about and for those who follow us because you guys are the ogs we ask the question on our Instagram page as well and so we're going to be sharing some of your responses as well as far as what you're and learning and I'm loving them I'm loving them so much and I feel like it could be things about like the things that we do but also our beliefs our principles our values whatever it is that guides us through life and I'd even argue that some of the things that we are trying to learn as adults we can't we struggle to learn them because we haven't taken time to learn and learn exactly yeah that's so affirming I love that thank you so much I love this I love it here so much that's the thing that's true because there's conflicting beliefs in your mind so you've got to let go of the old ones yeah so that the other the new ones can have space to flourish exactly okay so let me give my first one one of the things that I am I I would say I'm still trying to unlearn is that any that achieving any one thing can bring you the absolute Joy of fulfillment that you want in life whether it's marriage for local it's like marriage you'll be like um right now the only thing missing in my life for me to be super happy is if I just get married and now when I get married that's now going to be it now I'm going to be super happy think again or kids for some people it's like you want that one thing so badly or weight loss for me it's been weight loss for a really long time it's just like if I just had this one thing now that's now I'm going to now reach the peak of my happiness but the reality is that no one thing can give you that feeling because their unintended consequences of the things that we want so badly that you never think through you're like okay if I I just want a husband but you don't know what are going to be the Dynamics in your marriage you don't know what to be Dynamics with your kids is it just any kind of kid what if your child is disabled what if your child is a really difficult child to deal with what if you know so many different things that could impact how you think in your mind it will be when you get that thing that you so badly want you know I agree for sure um one of the things that kind of has helped me and learned that has been the journey I guess we've had with my family you know if you know you're kind of born in the you know actually it doesn't matter any family has like their own trajectory of their growth whether it's Financial or spiritual whatever so with my family I have seen so much change and have seen so much acquisition of wealth I guess and I realized that when you get to whatever stage or whatever place you feel normal you're still normal it's just such a weird thing I don't know how to articulate it like it just feels like you are living in everything you've prayed for all or things you never imagined right like my mom is living a life that I never imagined for her yeah right like black woman she's just living in an incredible life of like so much love She's happily married she's living in wealth but it just feels normal yeah even when you go in that car you're just like hi Mom you're just a mom so there's some those kind of things have allowed me to see that really the things that matter and the things that make me happy are going to always be consistent is my mom happy is my sister happy are we healthy are we happy is everyone feeling like they have opportunity to grow or those ones stay the same but those are the one thing achieving yeah I learned that yeah you just feel normal yeah I also feel like on the contrary though there are certain things which sure they will make your life way better and way easier like money if you're sure yeah and then you get my I mean the there's a load of your show your shoulders but whether or not that will now give you the ultimate joy and fulfillment because now you have money definitely no what what happens I feel is like as you as you get easier like the problems just become different that's it the problems just become different so now you're not really thinking about or maybe I can talk about myself like financially now you're not thinking about survival now it's more of luxury so you just go into a different bracket thinking about different things you know um so you just yeah but yeah that feeling is very much normal another thing with TMI getting TMI off the ground and getting it to where it was didn't bring it up is it absolute Joy I feel achieved for sure and now the problems are different we are not struggling come from where are them where is the money going to cover who's going to pay barrels just like okay so you remove this much yeah and then next month wait can we can we really wait first time so it's not that right it's a different now we're thinking about things like how can we Elevate you it's not all it's not the thing that brought you happiness yeah but it is an ease that comes to it that maybe allows you to find more joy but I definitely agree with that and the quicker you learn that oh yeah the easier life is and actually the happier your life is because then you realize even in this moment where I am I feel normal and I can find happiness in this moment even before I get that thing that I want so badly it's true even in relationships like I the the happiness I feel now in this my single energy is I felt happy like this in a relationship yeah it's only also happy here so it's just like things can change by you usually so hard that's a very good one I agree with that great and maybe on the same kind of topic something which I am unlearning is what life what getting life right looks like because I think I had a very strong conditioning on what that looked like being um a child who parents whose parents divorced I had a very strong idea of how life has to be for it to make sense for it to be right for me to be the person who broke the generation of trauma I mean I felt like there was so much it's true there was so much that in my head I felt like I needed to do different for like the Next Generation and then my my therapist asked me that she was like what what is the difference between what you think life looks like based on like the societal conditioning versus what you truly believe so with the societal condition is like um I wanted to be mild by then at 25 idiot idiot what did you know at 25 7 years old you knew nothing you didn't even know yourself but anyway based on that it was like um marriage and children you know way young and now I just think Israel gets right now it's at 32. so anyway um that was what I thought what getting life right was like but then she asked me what is the feeling and I said for me getting life right is only being where I feel that I belong and so I end a relationship because I feel like I don't belong there but because there is this other societal conditioning of what I think that should look like you start ping-ponging on your decision but really the truth is what you know is right in your life is that I don't want to be in a relationship where I know it's not the relationship that I want to be I don't want to have children with anyone who I feel like this is not the right person I don't want to be in any circumstance in friendship in business in anything where I feel like I don't belong so my decisions are actually driven by that and when I redefined that I know that made decisions to be where exactly what I wanted to be so accepting that life being right is has a different definition for everyone a hundred a hundred percent for someone it's be the child free versus having children right for someone else it's I want to be married someone else is that I don't want to ever be married yeah and I guess because we have all been told this is the one way it's a very difficult and I'm conditioning to understand but then I would I kept telling myself okay first you go back so then now yeah you know like don't complain everything which is so weird because then it's like okay so Society tells me this is what getting life is but it doesn't feel right that doesn't feel right it doesn't make any sense so then when you start forcing yourself to be in a how does life look right for everyone else you end up not being happy why do we keep complaining about the state of marriages why do we keep complaining about how people are parenting because we're all trying to push ourselves into in a picture that doesn't look right for all of us you know so yeah that's something which I've definitely and learned and once I had that kind of light bulb moment I was just like so now my job is to make the decisions that get me towards being where I belong whatever that means in in different moments yeah yeah and I think that's one of the benefits of not getting married and having kids earlier because I feel like some many people over the time they realize this what you're saying it's too late it's like now you already got my now you already have the kids you can like kind of undo and be like okay guys bye how do you break up with your kids you really can't you know so for those who are younger and I still get there try and Define that what does a good relationship feels like to you exactly how it looks like a very different things what does um when do you feel like your life will be whole what makes your life feel great all of those things you have to Define for yourself because otherwise you're going to be living someone else's life and then by the time you're realizing we are 110 and it's a wrap that's the problem that is the issue so as even look at your mind and be like do I really want to be this man or am I with him just because it's like I have a boyfriend and you're told you to have a boyfriend to have yeah is that what you want all right something else that I have been unlearning um uh a bit painfully so is that is the idea or the notion that for friendships to be true for friendships to be real they need to last forever and that if a friendship ends that means that it wasn't meant to be or that means that it wasn't a real friendship or a true friendship I feel like um in adulthood as you start to lose friends you realize at some point it's just like they were there for that season they served the purpose and it was nice and it was good while it lasted and it can end without you having to like regret it or be like okay so that wasn't a real friendship I wasted my time with that one same as I guess with relationships I kind of feel like um now I realize that I can look back on friendships and be like it was nice while it lasted but the next phase of my journey they are just not coming with me and that's okay and that it's perfectly fine yeah perfectly fine I used to think that this was a negative for me because I am the person who when the Friendship is done it's time I easily Let It Go only because I feel like friendship is the one area of my life that you just it just has to feel great yeah I'm sorry because this one is like you're choosing is on my neck work is on my neck YouTube will be on my neck I have always fought like the sacredness with friendship so I feel like when that's gone it just means that whatever we were supposed to do for each other it's just not it's just now lapsed yeah I recently um let go of a friendship which was a friendship which meant a lot to me but it came to a place where you can just feel the tag and walk when it's time for a friendship to go it's just War you just feel it sometimes someone says something it's not as easy to communicate yeah massive misinterpretations what you see one of your friends seeing as like oh okay lady is just busy or whatever this one is a major issue yeah and it doesn't mean that every friend can has to be uniform but you start seeing like a major difference between like the rest of your friends where everything is aligning and this one where things aren't aligning you know and I think I let them go in a very peaceful way so that maybe if it's a matter of like you we will come back in a different phase of our lives and we reunite it will be great now that's the fashion which I'm taking before I used to be like once our friendship is done it's just like us you know I hate you but really now it's more of you served me at a time and to be honest there was a time where maybe you are one of the most important people in my life and you helped me a particular way or you loved me in a time maybe even I'd even love myself but now it's not making any sense up the time is up yeah yeah and that can be a really difficult lesson to learn yeah people who it's like you just genuinely felt I knew that we're going to be together forever you know I feel like you always be my friend but now it's like you don't even recognize the person yeah can be painful it can be really painful I know you have one giant one which I still can't believe it I was there when you had two intense conversation and I was just like wow that was the probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to have in my life and I cannot believe how authentically and honestly you did it yeah I still can't that was tough honestly yeah but still now even on that friendship like I look back at times when it's like because we had become friends really early on like literally beginning of primary school and it's like that their phases of Our Lives each other's lives that both of us probably wouldn't have gotten through if we weren't together so it's like at that time it made sense but over time it just stopped making sense and you know that's fine yeah that's one that's food that's a difficult one yeah so another thing that I am and learning is that a woman is incomplete without children so my strong conditioning and I realized that any woman no matter how successful they are if they're they don't have for me it used to be like marriage and children but what I realized is that majority of the times you might face out a partner and then get remarried so now the partner seemed like it's okay a woman who doesn't have children and and guess what as soon as I see it if I don't know that someone is child free I'm like oh oh no yeah automatically but when I know someone is child free I see why it's empowering like actually the women who I know who I follow who are child free and they they choose to be Child free I'm just like you go sister what an amazing decision but before I know that I see an emptiness another thing is like when let's say I know somebody has children a woman has children and they're like you know always working always traveling I'm always I always ask that sexist question like who's who's taking care of our kids yeah are you interested but I know every evening you go to your children okay yeah but let's say I see someone who's like gone like maybe for two weeks or I ask myself that and that's my own um internalized sexism because who the they have another parent I know yeah I think to me even me I think I might I have that as well and interesting she mentioned the child free because both women women who have chosen to be Child free and those who haven't chosen both of them are child free yeah technically but this one is like intentionally Child free versus um consequentially childhood this is the one which you don't know if they are choosing exactly we're always the one I don't know if I don't know yeah or it's true or maybe that person is exactly but also me I feel like depending on how this person like approaches me or the kind of conversation we have so for example there are some content creators who speak a lot about like oh I just really want kids I really want kids so I feel like yeah it's because you seem like you feel incomplete without the children then automatically I see you as incomplete without the children then every time I see you just like you know she doesn't have the kids you know vis-a-vis the people who present as like you know this is my life I've chosen to be like this I'm happy are you happy yeah because we are no yeah but anyway I think even for me at some point in my head for me actually I think it's more within the context of marriage when people when I meet people who are like married and they have been married like more than two years and they don't have a kid automatically my mind just goes to like what's wrong what's happening oh like automatically when you're when someone is single I'm just like okay if they're single and old older then I'm just like did she choose or is it has it been chosen for her was she silence or was she silenced are you silent or were you silence then it's when I think that way but if you're married and like you guys don't have kids I'm always just thinking first I always think like what man doesn't want her kids if two people who really love each other right and I like I'm just saying this is my projection major projection where I see love means not all marriages yeah but where I see love yeah I always feel oh no yeah you know but some people I'm just like maybe you guys are going through it because you don't look happy yeah you know like I never know because I actually think married couples who are like are a bit more sensitive and careful about when to have kids make more sense to me because that's like a big one if you guys haven't saw it some of your other stuff before you bring kids and also I see kids as such a big responsibility so funny enough that I don't usually see I think it's because I'm on this side of marriage without kids what are we doing here for me that one is a strong one I just go through Instagram just like oh no you know what I remember actually guess what you see JLo how she's like go a husband every week or whatever every week or whatever yeah which is incredible yeah she has children I'm just like she can do what she wants she can she can I'm just like live your best life it's like you are like when she gave when she gave birth to her twins I was like she's complete yeah she can change Partners whatever she whenever she wants but she has this she has it and the reason why I feel like this is so difficult to unlearn is because literally having kids is at the is at the root is at the center of African culture yeah it's like literally that's what it is it's like if you don't have kids what are you doing yeah are you adding to the value here how yeah I know that's something I'm definitely and also comes across selfish what it's just like you're not adding to the family lyrics oh no any kids no no no no I don't see it actually I don't see the African how the African culture sees it for no reason yeah and this as we're saying guys is very much our conditioning this is not something I'm holding on to to be true this is something I'm very aware is internalized sexism but it's something which I am really working at learning and the more pictures and visuals I see of women living their best lives without children the more I'm like yeah this yeah this is such an amazing the less kids will be born who are not wanted and who are thrown into children's homes you know people women will be intentional about how they parent their children because it's like you actually want them you know you are just because they need to have the child exactly so yeah I'm learning that for sure guys tough one okay another thing that I um I'm unlearning um is the concept of love being hard the concept that love has to hurt Love Is For Fighting love is that you have to struggle and like you know you have to go through things I feel like um before I met Zach I feel like that definitely was my idea of what love is saying there has to be and because you know you come from a toxic relationship it's just like we fight but that's how I see the passion you know that's how I see is it it's just like that's so toxic it's so toxic I'm learning I've unlearned the fact that it has to be you're fighting all the time and that's the only actually like when when you guys stop fighting that's how you know the passion is gone connecting with chaos curl because chaos is to connect in your childhood exactly exactly but like I've learned love can be easy and love can be smooth love doesn't have to be aggressive it doesn't have to be you know like it's us against the world why are we against the world why is it why why can't we ask with the world and we're and we love each other and the world is happy for us and it doesn't have to be us against the world it can be just us in the world and everything is okay I remember when we had this conversation actually I think we might have had it on TMI and I was saying that um the red hot hot love is not necessarily what equates love or passion yeah sometimes actually Sierra said when she met her husband she felt peace that is actually love it's stable it's consistent it's predictable it's safe I then you are still fighting me like you can have a full night's sleep comfortably it's not like you can just rest my sister you can rest and guess what that for me is always what I believe in is love so and I actually when I told you like fighting if we're having like a major emotional like super traumatizing fight every month that's a red flag to me it is I think this is an age thing yeah personally I feel like it's an age thing but I feel like the younger generation like especially people who watch TMI you guys have like and now it's a it's a good thing for you guys that you're getting to HDMI because then you can understand that you don't have to go through that because I feel like all of us went through at least one relationship where we were fighting to tooth and nail to be in that relationship and I still knew that it wasn't love even then funny enough that my conditioning was changed when my mom um met her now husband Tim and it was I was like eight nine years ago something like that um and I saw what peaceful stable predictable love is and I was just like this is it that's it that's life this is it yeah being peacefully in love it's not consistent fighting it's not that there's no problem it's just it's just normal problems as opposed to this one is cheating this one is beating like he didn't text me and then we came and then we fought and then we had sex relax that's too much like your chemicals are all over the place and it's so unstable so I know they changed that for me but I know there's a time where I thought of the ride or die when I was going through my bad boy face you know that's it you know the more I can endure Yeah the more I am loved and the problem with that is that now when you do get the peace and the stability it feels like this is boring boring it's so boring it's like does he even love me like excuse me I didn't text him for three days yes why is he he's not mad or whatever we're not fighting why not to be confused about being attracted to people one of the I feel like the lowest well for me the thing which I feel is so far from self and love is being with someone who I don't want to be with or I'm not attracted to why so that not to say that you you're not attracted to your person not to say that you can't have passionate sex and stuff but the love itself is stable and consistent and peaceful yeah that's okay it's not an either or it's like either you have the peace and the stability or you have the red hot passion yeah you can have them both but it just wouldn't look the way the the movie Sometimes paints definitely like dysfunctional and toxic and Trauma and crying yourself to sleep but in the morning it's like wow you know that's a channel we don't need that I agree that's a wonderful one and I'm so happy that you're in that phase because I feel like it's gonna reflect so much to you yeah back in your marriage you're gonna see more of that because that's what you that's what you're seeking that's what I'm saying that's not what you define love yes I love that um another thing that I am unlearning is that my parents know any more than I know now so my mom had me at 25. 25. you have a baby actually you're married yeah yeah she's married then you you have a baby at 25 and tell us what you know you know we put so much on our parents to have known how to deal with this how to parent how to you know get the finances together how to take care of yourself take care of themselves how to deal with their own traumas as if they are any they were any more knowing than we are now a lot of okay let's say if you're in our age you are now your parents age when they had you what do you know but now the expectation that we had of our parents is so unfair and like the older I get the more I'm like so I was like seven my mom had like a seven-year-old imagine wow seven years old actually at 32 is where my parents separated she had two children and she was separated argue with how old four yeah yeah and you expect your parent to have figured out parenting figure out how to keep a relationship figure out themselves it's just now I see things like you did the best you bloody could you did you did the best not to say that now I am not holding my parents accountable for the way our relationships are now now you gotta draw boundaries now we can't keep the same old age we need to have better and healthier relationship with our parents now but back then they really you did the best you can you didn't know what to do you didn't know how to keep your marriage together you didn't know how to understand what was going on with your husband because your husband didn't know what's going on with him and he didn't know he didn't have the emotional set skill he didn't have the tools he didn't have therapy to be able to understand what was happening with him to take care of himself to be able to take care of you guys so there's so much forgiveness and I don't know if it's coming I guess with age because the older I get the more I'm just like I know three things yeah exactly only so much forgiveness and Grace because now now we're like I mean exactly how and then they didn't have like internet they didn't have they didn't have social media about gentle parenting they literally they didn't have any of that yeah and the older I feel like the older we get the more we realize life is a lot life is a lot as a 33 year old woman you're waking up you're trying to think I need to drink all my water I need to work out I need to eat healthy oh my God it's organic I need to call this person oh my God my car needs to be fixed oh God it's almost time for my hair appointment whatever there's so much then you there's just so much delicate little babies trying to be in this environment that you guys haven't figured out what this environment is my my mom was six months pregnant when she was getting married so it's like it was married and children at the same time yeah you you guys haven't even figured out what's wrong with you guys let alone now having another a child having another one trying to keep things together your finances I have so much grace for like anything that that came to be trauma is just like it is what it is that's what I got my job is to deal with it to re-parent myself and to do better for the next Generation but as far as holding on over what happened back then yeah and there is that right now you can't really change what happened and I feel like holding on to the anger and the bitterness really doesn't serve anyone for sure it doesn't make I mean most likely then make them feel as bad because for a lot of people it's not your parents are not like as I'm not emotionally aware but you know how others are emotional we're all emotionally intelligent exactly so I feel like you will be there feeling so bad and so bitter about it but they're not they're just good they're just knowing that they did the best they could and now okay you got [ __ ] up a little bit but like now what are we going to do about it so it's definitely more grace I saw it actually in one of the comments that somebody left on the on our Instagram they also said that my parents were just people you know I just have to unlearn the idea that they should have known how to parent me better yeah you know they didn't but they didn't do as much as you know now so someone imposing what you should know yeah what okay fine I should know more now what I don't know more I still don't know whether I like it or not you know so yeah there's definitely so much grace I know when it comes to now having relationship with your parents it's very important for a lot of people depending on the level of trauma or abuse that happened to have them validate what happened to have them be sorry or hold be um take accountability of what they did it's okay that's a big part of you wanting to have a relationship with them but either way there needs to be movement forward yeah and that doesn't mean that now giving Grace or forgiveness means that you are you tolerate any form of like abuse or neglect or trauma right now no that means that that was then but now that you know better yeah you're allowed to put yourself in a space where you feel safe and if that means distancing yourself from them then that so be it you know kind of thing some parents refuse to be held accountable sometimes we feel they're not gonna say what happened change they don't want to be better now you don't want to anything and at that point it's like you have to ask yourself okay is this a place that you want to continue to be yeah that actually brings me to one of my other points is that I've had to unlearn that I need anyone else to give me closure for something that happened right yeah like you know sometimes it just doesn't come sometimes it just doesn't your dad will never um say I'm so sorry that I was an alcoholic and I you know emotionally didn't participate in your life that just will never and you have to be okay with that whether it's the end of a relationship whether it's something that your partner did whether it's you know something that your parents did sometimes you have to give yourself that closure because you're the one who needs something closed for you to move on that person has already closed and they have bounced they're continuing with their life you don't need them to give you closure why you need to find The Closer on your own in therapy it's true for my parents point of view because some of like some very difficult conversation there's just not as much room to have um with my dad and sometimes I do Wonder am I having that because I want to repair you know like that one I'm still figuring out but either way what I've decided is that the closure for me is to repair it myself where my my parents did their best I complete the rest and that's in my daily self it's invalidating my own emotions it's in taking care of myself the way that I want it's in having boundaries it's in speaking up it's in affirming myself I'm reparenting myself and that is me completing where my parents left off that's my closure when it comes to anything pertaining my childhood now when it comes to a partner my closure tends to be what were the behave behavioral patterns that led me to be attracted or to keep that person in my life number two what are the things that I learned about myself in there because if I can change the road map to that relationship and what they did I can change the next step then that's all I can do the healing part is to do better possibly in in the next relationship because that's done and if someone is not going to sit down and tell you oh by the way you're right I was a massive narcissist who was manipulative and abusive and I am so sorry and I'm really in therapy working on myself that is one percent I don't think I've been one person sometimes people won't even give you the closure just because they know how badly you wanted the source of power and you're giving them that power by making them feel like I will never be able to move on with my life if you don't because of that yeah other times it's that people just don't see what they did wrong even though for you maybe you're just like but why can't you just validate how I felt about it for example um a conversation I've never been able to like get past with my my mom is um I always used to be like why did you never teach us about sex and contraception and you know things like things to do with our bodies or whatever I always felt like her stance was just more like just don't have sex you know contraception before you get married is wrong kind of thing and even now that's still how she feels so you see it's difficult to start saying like Mom you know in the past I really wish you had done this or whatever but she'll still be like no but if I could turn back time I would still do the same thing so it's like yeah you want yeah you can be mad about it all you want but the reality is that that's just how what she believes and those are her values and if they don't align with who I am right now it's unfair for me to force her to be like now say sorry to me because me I felt like I was wrong I feel like there's a gap that you left and I wish that you had filled it and she's like no me for me that's not a gap that's what I wanted it to be kind of thing you know and he said you can't now you can be mad and then and then what you're gonna do and actually sometimes a lot of the times the the fight to try and get somebody to like you know see this and this causes more damage really because you're not and it's okay some of it it's too much and you decide do you know I can't even have a relationship with you if you have these values but if it's like now with you with it's just like now what are we going to do you just learned that this is how somebody is yeah and that's how they're going to be I know for sure like um there's a relationship where I felt like so I deserved the closure I deserved admission of guilt I deserved an apology and it kept me in the place of like not healed for a longer time whereas this last relationship I just knew whether I get it and whether or not this is the way I'm going to do it if you're struggling with closure I would really suggest highly suggest you read the book conscious uncoupling because there it's about accountability it's like what are the belief systems that brought you here you stayed though every time you did this you stayed though so what kept you staying and the point is to change and rewire your own ideologies so that you can tell a different story because literally everyone in your life is just playing out a story you believe um about something so I agree with that and yeah yeah waiting for closure delays your healing it delays your recovery it delays your your being able to get something better so just give it to yourself give it to yourself um this is actually from um the next point is from one of the people who responded one of the winners on our Instagram um question she said that one thing that she's unlearning is that love is enough discuss 10 points ten marks ladies and gentlemen I feel like this is something which I had to unlearn as well actually something um on that point that I need to unlearn is that if two people love each other they're going to make it work they can conquer anything I still need to unlearn that yeah I still need to unlearn that I constantly see a failure in like you love each other figure it out hold on relax but you haven't personally conquered your [ __ ] yeah and when you come in another relationship and you mix your [ __ ] and his [ __ ] now who's cleaning who yeah because you're both covered in shape they're both covered in poop you know I don't even think about it that way I think about it more like I can love you deeply but I can want something that is different from you for example we love each other deeply but I want seven children you don't want any children how is love concrete you tend to see it that way I tend to see it from a place of um not even like those conflicts which are just like this is just undoable the other ones which is like majority of white people get divorced has nothing to do with like those big old questions it's the little stuff it's the in between every day it's the way we we deal with um conflict it's the way we celebrate ours yeah relate with in-laws how we deal with chores how we deal with parenting how generally you are if you're not a responsible person if you're not you know those things how reconciling that sometimes I feel like you should figure it out if you love each other I feel like those ones are still figure outable if people truly love each other because for me it's like for example you you're the kind of person who likes to leave the dishes we eat Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday we wash all the dishes on Friday versus me I like them to be washed every day if you love me if actually you actually love me would you not make some effort to actually you know change and make the problem here is that there's always a gap between how somebody feels and their capacity to love right there is capacity as we said this is like I desire to be a billionaire capacity I desire to be I don't know the body where is the capacity is a difference in capacity and somebody you um you feel like somebody should be different to suit how you're doing they don't care about the dishes yeah but they care about me they do yeah but your idea is that if you care about me I'm going to care about the dishes that doesn't always happen but then do you actually love me then is that actual love that's my question that's interesting you quietly think of the things which you know you have done to your husband and it's like you loved them but that had nothing you know it was bad or you know it's like it's annoying to them but do you really love them then well yes you do you yes you do oh you talk about me now yes I mean yeah I do love my husband I do but I feel like so it's figure outable it's just like will it be figured out though you know what I'm saying okay I will do that yeah okay based on like your own character your own personality exactly the feeling yeah and but I feel like I saw Tony Tone saying um someone was asking what's a major green flag for you in like a friendship or in a relationship and she was saying for her if she says to someone that she doesn't like someone and she instantly sees an effort to for them whether or not they have the capacity to actually see through but she sees a level of effort towards them you know making a change in that thing of just like oh I know she didn't like this so let me make an effort to change or I know she likes this let me make an effort to do it I feel like in that context it's amazing and it feels good and I feel like where there's true love yeah that's definitely still magic another but like let's say for example how people deal with money and learn that yeah how people deal with money that's fundamentally about how they were raised it's about that and somebody could tell you they want to just do better but that's just not in their conditioning to do so but are they making an effort they're making an effort like how many things from our conditioning are we trying to unlearn yeah and still we are not there yeah you're right it's still not there because we are like a work in progress as human beings and depending on how triggering it is to your other partner is that someone going to wait through 20 odd years while you figure out your conditioning out of your life because that's a really big issue for them yeah you know that's a very big issue for them let's say somebody has been cheating on you with five women a month now it's three are you going to oh that's lovely that's progress I can see that there's been ever before this chlamydia I can see that there's effort and maybe maybe he has a baby how much sometimes we're able to do based on the information we have based on our knowledge based on what we are we've grown up to understand and because I'm seeing my own conditioning and I'm having Grace with that I'm having Grace with other people so now I know I can tell you now that I stand knowing that love isn't enough love is not enough it's not but I feel like it's a really big part it's a huge it's a big part and it helps because you if you see somebody's like willingness and they can empathize with like what you're saying about like when you say you don't like when I do something but if I'm not able to give you then what you're asking for then just the LA which is honestly I feel it's hard okay heartbreaking hard because I'm like I love you I deeply want to be with you but I just can't because that will means you sacrificing your own mental health your own happiness your own every your own values yeah just so you can accommodate this person that you love exactly remember the couple from what they love is blind yeah the black couple it's Ayanna yeah I feel like you could tell that they loved each other but he likes going out and doing whatever and there's actually that's not even harmful yeah it's not directly to her but she's did he love her I feel like he gen actually the fact that he tried feels like he loves her but guess what he's trying to change a part of him that he likes yeah that's it he likes that part he wants to go out this is us projecting we don't know any of their business but you know he's like he looked like he just this is what I want to do I want to take shots what's the problem that's a problem to her and to them in me honestly some of these things I'm just like I could have told you that was going to be and I should tell you what are your Towers Ali on I could tell that yeah but you see they tried they tried love is not enough lovely it's not enough yeah before I got married that's what my dad told me like when I told him oh I've met this guy I want you to meet him I really love him and he was just like for if the only criteria for marriage is love us oh dear God Dr oboka if you're watching this you kind of like sorry you kind of lied okay fine here's another one that I um came out I was thinking something that I I am learning now is that I can empathize with people's situations without feeling responsible for helping them out of their situations photons in solidarity you know this is a tough one I know baby but you are doing a fantastic fantastic job yeah and I tell you that a big part of that is because you're an amazing person you're a caring person you feel like if I'm able to then I should I should so it's an amazing part it's just the other spillover the other I know especially as it relates to people and their kids that's where I feel like it just tags at my heartstrings I'm just saying but these kids I just I can help them I can do something for them like for me I'm just like how in fact I started just feeling like you're just selfish you're going to go and buy a burger when that money can actually feed that family for a week you know but being able to just empathize and just shut my [ __ ] mouth by the way now oh God I could cry for years about this like I know just so hard but like I get it you have a child and on the other side though then it puts me in a position of if you are doing it too much you're always feeling like I'm responsible for saving this person from this situation but then they begin to expect it and then now you start feeling taken advantage of and then now you're feeling bitter about the the Dynamics between the two of you or whatever then you're mad then you're kind of mad but then right it's like that yeah it was true that it's your responsibility yeah it would feel nice in your Center exactly it will feel great you'll be like this is what I love doing right yeah so why does it feel bad because it's not there's something which I had to learn as well but it was mostly um emotional so enmeshment is where like let's say you grew up in an environment where your emotions are our emotions in a lot of African environments are like that when Mom is upset we are all upset like that kind of thing so what you learn is that your emotions are my emotions and so let's say something is going through something that's a I'm not coming to TMI because I too I'm going through it and you dare actually that's what your story is smiling how and you know you're going through something you know yeah whereas now I've learned empathize but don't carry I can empathize with you I can feel with you even with Joe as well I feel like sometimes I feel like I'm a mess with your emotions so when Joe is going through something she's telling me it takes more muscle for me to hold I even sometimes have to clench those butt cheeks yeah so that I'm able to be in a position where I can be helpful because if I'm imagining her emotions if I'm now involved and I'm just Assad and I'm just as oh my God who's helping who yeah it's pointless so being able to hear you and feel you and my whole heart is going with you but sticking to that actually I can't help you any more than just giving you advice and walking down the road with you yeah it's a tough one too it's a tough one yes it's the Pisces in us I guess it's the empathy if any if you have ever been hurt or if you did grow in a way where people didn't you've seen someone not care about your emotions you are very caring about other people's emotions that's how I am one of the things I attribute to my trauma is my I am more keen and I'm more observable other people's emotions because I know what it's like to not feel like my emotions are being heard and seen however I can't I can't carry more I stop carrying it and now our eyes are hurting we're having back pain because you're the chiropractor because you're carrying everyone's everything but that one requires so much like Consciousness like such intentionality of just like literally sometimes even say it out loud I I feel bad that she's going through this I feel horribly I can contribute but it's not my problem to fix it's hers it's her life she's a grown-up she's a person and it's not me to fix yeah that thing let me tell you something um so one of my auntie um we had a cousin who had like severe epilepsy and so he was um disabled for majority of his life um and he still had those seizures even coming to his death and my auntie used to like carry him sometimes when he's having this fit and she used to like walk for ages like to go to the hospital or something like that right and so sometimes this issue will be driving and she'll find someone stood on the side of the road like now a woman like asking for a late she was like could never because to her it's just like it's like yeah carry your own version I carried thinking like that people these days are happy to give you their problems happy no my auntie is just kind of one she just deals with her [ __ ] so she doesn't really carry others because she has such a strong sense of responsibility about who what her my problems and my problems I'm carrying them carry your own that's the thing and that is a severe problem so any other it's all that is the degrees all that is also based in in some level of trauma is that as you are growing up is it that you felt like you had no one that you could turn to so you had to be the person that way exactly and now your look every time you'll see someone else who's asking for help you're just like why you ask for help you're lazy yeah you're lazy you can't do a problem it is but now it falls there that's another extreme yeah but I prefer this other one though yeah I mean yeah I mean I prefer it but it's just it's really heavy it's just it just feels so heavy yeah it's like you could do more but you're choosing not to what a horrible person you are more rookie yeah and remember I'm remember these words we're saying empathize don't carry just because I have doesn't mean I have to give like you just uh say this to say no that anyone has to where you go you have been getting told this since you are a child what is happening I don't even understand it's Emily she's not listening to you I'm sorry I'm okay so let me give one um last one for this episode because it's just like they're just so many there's so many there are a billion literally um I am having to unlearn the end all be all of the Bible laughs why are you laughing nervous laughing so I mean okay we grew up knowing that the Bible is absolute truth okay I want you ready for someone to come for me it's absolutely true someone yeah someone yes so um that the Bible is you know absolute truth and this like everything about it is is is contextually relevant to the world that we live in today and I feel like a lot of churches still preach that however the more I read it the more I um listen to preachings the more I just see what's happening in our world today the more I realize it is very very subjective sometimes even in the way that it's interpreted by different churches for example and we're having this conversation with my mom the other night is that there are things in the Bible we are reading the book of Acts as a family and there's a part where it's talking about you should not eat um an animal that isn't um I don't know something like basically we should all be eating Halal you know how Muslims eat Halal basically we should all be eating like that you know um and it says something like women should not something about women that women the things that women should not do or whatever you should not curse you should not take part in sexual impurity but the more you see the world that we live in today it's like the one on sexual impurity is the one that people really hold on to but there are other things that are said in the Bible that it's like we've all come to our consensus this one doesn't apply right now the Bible also tells us that we shouldn't have um any marks or piercings on our body that are permanent so the fact that even you have your earrings that's not biblical that's again that tattoo that's not biblical there's so there are things in there that it's like the world has just decided this one is forgivable this one is like it's just for them but like the other things like lgbtq the other things like you know sex before marriage um just things that it's like no this one foreign people are fornicating proudly just out here it's like you know last night you were having sex with someone and this morning you're in charge and you're still praising God not only anything wrong with that but clearly it's like Society is determining how we see what the Bible says about specific things and that has made me really um want to dig deeper and like seek God myself about what is what does he mean mean for the world that we we're in today and what was for then you know because right now it's just like you're told by the past okay you go to some Churches and they're like no you can't wear trousers there's some places where women don't be allowed to wear trousers to charge others where it's like you can wear whatever you want when I went to church in um South Africa the first Sunday I was shocked when we I entered church and everyone comes like with a cup of coffee and a snack and I was like in church my mom would screams my mom would scream even like it's like okay you can drink a bottle of water but she's just like this is not like a picnic you know you have to give reverence to God and whatnot but there it's very casual people don't even dress up at you to go to church it's just like jeans and a tea and people are just like relaxing and I was like so many of these things are so contextually specific it's like in Africa because you're in Kenya you're believing it this way and if you I say you believe in that way and if in the states I mean if people even like the pope are starting to say like okay gay marriages could be allowed and that's the Pope I mean it's kind of like it's starting to feel like okay people are just deciding yeah what we want to do and I feel like someone if you're truly a Christian and you're interested in pursuing God I feel like you need to read for yourself you need to understand for yourself and pray to God to like reveal to you what he meant when he said things that he said and does it apply to us today you know what I mean um this is I guess the benefit of growing up in a circular at Society you constantly see things from a place of this is one perspective so for example where um here our guests in an African context you you learn cre I don't know if that's still the same way Christian religious religious just education whereas in England you learn religious education you learn about all of the religious religions and I think I started learning that when I was thinking I was like 12 or something like that so if they still have Siri I don't know Nancy do they I think now now they do like um what do they call it Global Perspective something like that which I think just gives is fantastic that's the way it's supposed to be because I grew up knowing that Christianity is one way in my choice of way or my family's choice always so that's one thing studying other religions teaches you that it's just like people are just having different ways of kind of doing the same thing whether it's like um how they praise God who they believe God is is just their way it's just like one way of doing it that's the first thing the second thing is that my mom brought us up very um in church for sure but in church more spiritually more than religious religiously so it was very much about how we treated people my mom is very charitable so we understood at a very early age that giving back and passing on are really important being good to everyone no matter what so there's some principles that my mom enforced more more than the do's and dots that were in the Bible so I grew up knowing that I grew up knowing that the the height and what's most important is there's no no Blast for me my mom says that's the only thing that she won't tolerate in any of her children but everything else was from a place of the principles of being Christ like like the goodness of your heart those kind of things that's what I've I've had enforced so even when I was growing up when I when I Stumble um on anything in the Bible that is just kind of it doesn't make any sense it didn't feel like it was such a big conflict in my heart because of the openness I already had been brought up around no time not not not I I completely understand it majority of people weren't actually somebody messaged me the other day because I've I've been going to church pretty much every Sunday for like the last year now and I love my church it's not something I need to even think about I just love it there it's just it just makes me so happy yeah um so anyway um and somebody asked me like you know where do you reconcile the what you're learning in church or what the Bible says versus like you know things like having sex and stuff like that I found that I never had that conditioning because that's what she was like when she is going out and when she is having sex and when she is drinking she doesn't go to church she's just unable like the Two Worlds I feel conflicting there's a lot of guilt there's a lot of Shame whereas I realize I never had that I feel like I've just lived life and then gone to um and I go to church and I still feel very much like fine it's because I never had the conditioning in the first place you know if you die today do you think you're going to heaven is there heaven the church you go to believe that there's a heaven yeah they do do you think you're going to there's there's many things where I what I don't know I tell God to give me wisdom too and until I know I just leave it yeah because I can't you know what I can't know everything but what my pastor did say is that being like half in the circular world and you're saying let's make one more time I'm not giving a mic in the next episode oh yeah because it belongs to you that's it anyway um so when um when my pastor said that if you are like half in where it's just like you're enjoying the like the joys of the circular world you're drinking you're fornicating you're tattooing and piercing and whatever but then you also want like you know the glory of God you want to go to heaven all of these things it's like having a man at the like at your wedding right and your man is asked do you take this man and they're just like I mean a bit yeah I mean I like her I like her is nice especially on Sundays but like on Monday Monday to Friday can I just know it's being half and half out but I have Grace for myself for not really knowing exactly how to navigate this feels balanced for me right now and the more Curious I get the more understanding I get but what I don't know I don't know that's the thing and I I believe that the Bible says there's no condemnation in Jesus and I believe that God works with us on our journey where we are and I feel like it's more about your the posture of your heart are you open to learning are you open to changing certain habits even if it's not like right now because if you have been fornicating for 12 years it's not like tonight you're going to stop for the kitty you know what I'm saying it's like there's a journey there's a journey you know kind of thing and I I don't believe that okay if you are Christian and you fornicate for sure you're going to hell or if you're if you're I don't know even if you're not aggressive that's the promise of heaven and hell has major problems with it like that like those are eight like I watched the um I watch the documentary keep sweet pray and Obey and of course it's about someone abusing me Christianity has nothing to do with Christianity but you can see what people are willing to do for their salvation yeah if you tell me that my where my soul is going to go is dependent on whether or not if only came today you don't think that's gonna manipulate my decision of course it is and that's the difference between us idolizing a pastor a bishop or whatever vis-a-vis just like me I want to read the Bible for myself and trust that God is going to reveal to me what he wants me to do yeah yeah but anyway there's just so much around that there's it's more of like my mom said this and this is how it is but when you grow up it's kind of like you have to figure these things out for yourself you know there are some people who are feeling guilty other people who are just like oh in fact after kovi they feel like many people I feel like we have less Christians in this country right now because if the church going completely changed and it's like even understanding what it means to be spiritual is that okay you've not gone to church for a year but perhaps someone else has been gone going child for a year but you you're praying actually actually doing good things you're a good human beings um and there's another thing which I feel like is already like distorted is this idea that like you know like the the Christianity is it and everyone else is kind of on the wrong foot that's like a belief in Christianity yeah yeah I believe that huh okay so let me tell you about that um one um one thing about that is that for example let's say we're having a debate you'll be like the Bible says but you're assuming I subscribe to the Bible me I would say probably I believe but a lot of times you hear people say actually even when we as we said about lgbtq everyone says the Bible says whether you subscribe to that is none of my business because that's really the book that governs us all right whereas of course that limits how we are living out in the world if you believe that your way is there all knowing the perfect way yeah and me I'm somehow a lost sheep we already first of all divide each other from that perspective anyway yeah so there are many things which because for example I personally don't believe there's any way of my life that I feel like is better than anybody else's I just happen to be really passionate about my way and my way is great and amazing for me yeah I agree with you I agree with that and I feel like sometimes that even limits your Christian's ability to be able to even connect with other people because I definitely don't believe I feel like there's a difference between you know I'm a Christian and I feel like this is the right religion to be in and I wish other people could do it vis-a-vis me invalidating what yeah the Quran or whatever I feel like that definitely doesn't help in any conversation ever you know kind of thing and being able to respect other people's religion another thing that we didn't really grow up with because we definitely grew up with like okay it's a Christian we need to have a Christian country that is it is right yeah it's like we need to help the Muslims and Indians because they are going to hell vis-a-vis just like I mean us we believe this yeah and they believe that and if they moved Christianity they do and if they don't you know they live there and they can also they are just okay you know it's just like it's not just let them be you know as they are whereas yeah I I happen to believe it's like it's just a different it's a it's a way of um it's just it's something you prescribe into that's what I believe but it just happens to be the way I do it and actually to be honest one of the things that I I like and I and always makes me feel like I would definitely want to raise my kids abroad is that that sense of you're not holier than thou you're not better than anyone you always know better than anyone it's like you learn to live with people in a way more harmonious way when you just believe that it's just my way and then there's everybody else's and their way is just their way for them that's definitely not what you learn in Kenya yeah I know for sure and that's one thing that I really would like for my kids to have maybe they'll have because I have but I would love them to grow up in a society where it's just like yeah you're a bit more humble about your way of living it definitely builds a level of Tolerance that would lead to less like tension in the world less Wars less battle less you know yeah definitely it would be make the world a lot more problematic Church yeah yeah anyway this is just us and actually this is something that me and Joe said right because we are here in this platform in front of you and many people are watching us it might come off like we are supposed to know everything like we are all knowing and we are perfect in our Journeys where in fact the message in between we want you this to be declared yeah we don't we don't we ourselves are messy we are messy we are in the in between so when you see us approaching a topic in a way where we we are curious we don't know we have some biases we have some conditioning please give us the same room that you would give yourself but because we are open to learning and we are curious this is what the platform is about so I I am the one who even took myself off that because I was like a lot of times I feel like this need to kind of bring the the right information where sometimes I'm limited because I don't know limited and I really appreciate when you guys in in a respectful way even correct Us in the comments like you know when we were talking about the HIV aids um even about the FGM issue so we really appreciate when you guys come and tell because we don't know everything we don't either we don't yeah and unless like our episode is specifically about that point we usually do a lot of um research around it to make sure you agree the right information but sometimes we are doing a messy um what they are in between I once said or we are doing um a dilemma we don't know that that topic was going to come up so what you get out of our mouth is what is in our brain and sometimes it's not always the right thing or the correct thing you know but we we we say a lot of times we do take our platform with a lot of responsibility as well so it's not like we are trying to give to feed anyone any real information but for sure we appreciate when you guys just changed because they're just ordinary babes just trying to have a conversation yeah we haven't exhausted and learning we haven't like there are a million more points yeah so we're gonna do a part two guys we're gonna do a part two because we haven't even touched majority of you guys points and some points were amazing so we're gonna do a part two so stay tuned you can actually tell us some of yours on this comments and then yeah so that other people can also know what they are and learning exactly I've Loved this conversation another therapy just deep so much to think about you know after sometimes after an episode I'm just like I just sit on the bed I'm just like there's actually I feel like I've grown so much as a human being because of TMI because I'm able to articulate so many of my thoughts I'm able to discuss so many parts of myself I was like did I even think that I was curious about that and I saw someone even saying that um they feel like they were saying it's basically about me but I believe it's true for Lydia also that there's a side of me that you guys only see on TMI that you never see on my own page oh yeah mostly because of how your package exactly how I'm packaged and I love that about this platform because sometimes it's like even before like when we are having a conversations when I even say something I'm like wow I didn't even realize that's a feeling that I have or that's that's what I believe kind of thing you know I feel like this platform allows me to just be as a raw as authentic as vulnerable as I possibly can be yeah for sure I feel like there's so many more conversations that I would have had on my platform that I feel like come to TMI yeah and I love that this has become like my have it out um don't worry guys I'm still doing it on my page it's just like very different for TMI yeah it's not like these uh a limit of topics that can be talked about big funny enough there isn't there is no one could go on and on and on and on but yeah anyway thank you so much guys for tuning on to this episode please let us know what you think on the comments below if you're watching on YouTube make sure you're subscribed whether you're watching whether you're listening because being part of a community really truly means actually being part of the community but wherever you are wherever you're watching us or listening to us in the world we love you we appreciate you we can't wait to see you in the next part two bye [Music] thank you

Channel: TMI Podcast KE

Views: 105,565

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Id: QMUOJnq-0iU

Length: 66min 41sec (4001 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 22 2023