Therapist Reviews Family Dynamics in Movies & TV | Vanity Fair

it's probably for the best that we never see each other again that's what you always wanted if thor was being genuine i think he would have given loken the opportunity to verify has he always wanted to leave or is this a threat especially with loki being adopted he might always question his place in the family when thor makes statements like you always wanted to leave it's almost saying like loki is dispensable which i imagine is his worst fear hi my name is stephanie it's ibuila i'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in today's video we're going to be talking about family dynamics and television and film this is a scene from succession you know i like to begin these things with a little prayer they follow up your mom and dad they do not mean to but they do they fill you up with faults they had and add some extra just for you this therapist you can tell is starting kind of with like a gut punch approach to breaking the ice and you have to be very careful with that you might have some that find that sort of joke funny and then some who completely shut down and feel alienated by the therapist figure out how do they joke and try to mirror that i never touched roman inappropriately if he says i did i didn't well glad to clear that up he was gonna make a horrible joke so i'm preempting even for being a new watcher to the show they are showing you what their roles are in the family the uptight one i imagine he's probably like the oldest in the family maybe he felt the need to set the tone in this session and basically predict what his little brother was going to say and tried to kind of stop that in its tracks before it happened the little brother i'm assuming he's probably the distractor of the family he's probably the one that's going to crack an inappropriate joke to kind of diffuse the tension this is like a like the first stages of an orgy like kind of exciting but also super awkward that is a useful and valuable role in a family but they do normally get a lot of hate within families because it feels like you can ever be serious even with the daughter kind of taking a step back she gives middle child vibes but i'm not sure because i i don't watch the show everything i've done in my life i've done for my children i i know i made mistakes but but i've always tried to do the best by them to just put a cliche statement on two years worth of hurt i don't know if i would view that as an accountability standpoint if he had maybe apologized or if he was able to maybe specify areas that he regrets and maybe share a plan for how he's going to navigate that going forward i think that's what accountability looks like this is a scene from thor ragnarok here's the thing i'm probably better off staying here on sakara that's exactly what i was thinking did you just agree with me i thought the scene was very telling of their relationship as brothers they're constantly trying to give one another an opportunity to be a good brother at the end of the day you're you and i'm me and i know maybe they're still good in you but let's be honest that path has diverged a long time ago we usually only look at it from thor's perspective but on loki's end even in this elevator scene he's giving thor an opportunity not to view himself as the hero it's probably for the best that we never see each other again that's what you always wanted thor phrased that as a statement instead of asking a question whenever we're passive aggressive or make declarative statements we really remove the opportunity to learn more about the person we're engaging with if thor was being genuine i think he would have opened that up like an open-ended question and given logan the opportunity to verify has he always wanted to leave or is this a threat especially with loki being adopted it's almost saying like loki is dispensable which i imagine is his worst fear hey let's do get help what get help no come on you love it i hate it it's great it works every time it's humiliating you can't help please my brother is dying get help we keep seeing the two of them giving each other chance after chance because of their shared history and i think that's what both of them hold on to this is a scene from little miss sunshine can i get the uh waffles and um what does alimody mean oh that means it comes with ice cream okay ice cream is made from cream which comes from cow's milk and cream has a lot of fat in it richard those women in miss america are they skinny or i think that this clip is really hard to watch he verbalized fear and she did begin to internalize that she is starting to mourn her relationship with one of her favorite foods often we're thinking you're helping this kid be successful and avoid these pitfalls but what you're really doing is instilling certain complexes and insecurities in them is he concerned about his daughter's health or is he concerned about her image maybe this parent is in a position where they have achieved a certain level of success and they're terrified about their lineage or legacy being disrupted with the next generation my guess is that for this father he probably has not exactly gotten to where he wants to be in life he's terrified of his child experiencing the same disappointment that he feels always ask yourself is this mostly about my kid or is this mostly about me does anyone want my ice cream yeah i like a little dwayne frank olive's not gonna have our ice cream do you mind if i have a little yeah let's dig in that looks really good boy i feel sorry for anybody that doesn't want to enjoy their ice cream so early in the morning oh that one's good i love how the family responds to that they actually tried to model for her what it looks like to enjoy ice cream stop don't eat it all a modeling behavior is actually one of the strongest things you can do to help show a child the best way to behave she was really lucky to have them all around because had it just been her and her father she probably would have walked away never wanting to eat ice cream this is a scene from this is us rebecca do you have an opinion about your husband's alcoholism did you ever talk to your children about their father being an addict did you ever warn them that they would have the gene when i watch this therapist it is actually very painful for me i disagree with a lot of her choices in the room she is coming from such a hostile perspective herself that she incites the family right she sets the tone for this very combative hostile environment the first thing we have to distinguish is that this is not family therapy this is what we would call a collateral session kevin has already been working with her in individual therapy for that reason i wouldn't even recommend having the whole family there at once because what's going to happen is a lot of these old triggers are reenacted never compare my tortured childhood with yours randall because i wasn't abandoned or adopted or i didn't have anxiety or i'm not a genius no you're definitely not that kevin you know what else you're not you're not an addict okay the only thing that you're addicted to is attention memory is not fact he is asserting his truth these narratives that we construct about ourselves they're really like self-preservation because if we were to truly accept another person's narrative a lot of times we don't really come out as the hero in those situations if kevin is an addict how does that reflect back on randall right it's a much easier narrative for randall to say that kevin is just being attention seeking it's a lot easier for him to maintain the resentment he's had against him for years i'd encourage any of you who are dealing with that don't be defensive just be curious and maybe you know depending on the relationship what could you do to help make their experience today be from a more healed or removed standpoint than maybe how they've been carrying it with them for all of these years this is a scene from inside out i found a junior hockey league right here in san francisco and get this tryouts are tomorrow after school what luck right hockey uh-oh what do we do guys here you you pretend to be drunk won't it be great to be back out on the ice oh yeah that sounds fantastic did you guys pick up on that uh-huh should we ask her let's probe but keep it subtle so she doesn't notice so how was the first day of school she's probing us i'm done what a great scene to show those family dynamics the options you have how the wrong choice can really elevate the emotions in a conversation school was great alright is everything okay to ask what's wrong feels like a very safe thing to do especially with a certain tone but a lot of people especially when they're in a place of struggling emotionally they don't want somebody to be able to easily read them like that maybe riley's in a mood due to this move you might want to say something like do you miss anybody back home today is there anything that reminded you of home where you can just get that conversation going if you can ask an open-ended question that someone is willing to answer more than likely they're gonna lead themselves to what the problem is you've got somebody who needs that space before they can talk about something you have to give it to them even if you're that person that wants to deal with it right in the moment if you push somebody to talk about something before they're ready the conversation is bound to be unproductive fire that's it go to your room this is a scene from mrs doubtfire don't you dare make me out to be the mobster here daniel don't you care you have all the fun and i get whatever's left over oh you chose the career mister i have no choices here daniel i have no choices one of the first things that was concerning was just the parents feeling comfortable arguing so intensely in front of the kids i feel for those kids having to watch that and just be terrified about what the aftermath of that is going to be people when i try to do something fun you have to do it ten times bigger i bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts you bring home the goddamn san diego zoo and i have to clean up oh i'm sorry but it's not toxic wasted a few party the fun parent versus the disciplinarian we know that's a very common dynamic within families more often than not it leads to resentment both sides struggle in those kind of situations we usually only focus on who sally fields represents in this scene the person who has to work while the other parent gets to be the fun one but it goes the other way around as well because what i hear from the parent who's like the fun parent is a lot of times they feel insufficient their self-worth is tied up in those kids liking them that's a very unhealthy symbiotic relationship maybe this is something that worked for you all for a really long time and if it's not working anymore be willing to renegotiate that maybe both of us work part-time or maybe i'll take on the caregiving responsibilities for a while and you take over breadwinning for a while you can see right when he becomes mrs doubtfire same exact person just with an accent and a dress on they get along beautifully that lets you know that this is not about the kids and how they're raising the kids this has everything to do with disappointments within the relationship this is a scene from shits creek we've come to the realization that we've not been very good parents sadly and most of the time we have no interest in what's going on with you we have no idea what's because she means no idea we have lost touch as a family and if we're going to get through this ordeal together we have got to get reacquainted this scene actually represents a great example of what emotional neglect looks like the mother says in the clip our lack of interest in reality that's what it was right they weren't interested in what their kids had going on the game is two truths and a lot it's true so you've heard of it um okay my eyes are brown i am basically sample size and one time i escaped from a thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with six right idea honey but you know what it's got to be more challenging for everybody in the room you did what whenever we ask questions about the past especially when is the parent asking the child you want to always be very clear on your intentions for knowing that information i think sometimes we go into it just out of pure like curiosity like did you have sex before marriage but if you already know that you can't handle if the answer is yes probably is not a good question for you to ask talking about the past can be important but make sure you're ready for absolutely any answer and that you're maintaining that space for curiosity and not defensiveness this is a scene from adam's family values [Music] pine wednesday look at all the other children their freckles their bright little eyes their eager [Music] as therapists we have to be very careful about pathologizing a family's culture each family has its own version of what's appropriate what's inappropriate the boundaries that are going to exist that's why those collateral sessions are so helpful because you may start thinking of this client as just otherworldly something's wrong but in the context of their family it might actually make a ton of sense i'm not perky that's for damn sure but i wanna be you do i wanna smile and sing and dance and be pocahontas in gary's vision wednesday is at that age where she's trying to figure out her own identity and her family i think it looks like they're giving her an opportunity to explore things beyond their family culture she's figuring out what is normal for her you know for another kid they might go into their goth phase at that age for wednesday maybe her equivalent of a god face is coming out of being like a normal like kid give your child some space and give your child some grace allow them the opportunity to try things on and give them support when they need it if you're not ready for family therapy the tip that i can give you when engaging with people remember to reflect back what you're hearing don't get so focused on defending yourself or trying to have the perfect response that you're forgetting to really be in tune and listen to what the people around you are saying to you so that's what i love to leave you guys with today practice your reflection skills and i wish you the best of luck in having conversations that are more productive and healing thanks for watching this video take care

Channel: Vanity Fair

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Keywords: addams family values, couples fighting, expert reviews, experts review, family argument, family dynamic, family expert, family fighting, family therapist, family therapy, inside out, little miss sunshine, movie families, mrs. doubtfire, reviews, schitt's creek, succession, therapist, therapist breakdown, therapist breaks down, therapist reviews, therapy, this is us, thor: ragnarok, tv families, vanity fair, vanity fair reviews

Id: qdEk9SZPdP8

Length: 16min 2sec (962 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 21 2022