Hey guys! What's up? Welcome to another compilation! These sketches are the worst! No, no no no no no no! They're not the worst. They are the best, top of
the theme, the worst ever. Oh, right. Have fun. Check them out. All right, so, uh, basically
it's just a leaky faucet, so it shouldn't take any
more than a couple of-- Hold up. Is that a jetted tub? Lavender bubble bath,
scented candles. Okay, so this thing is going
to take all afternoon to fix, all right? And I'm going to have to work
in complete and total privacy, all right? Okay, watch out. [water running] ♪♪ All right, there we go. [clanking noise] Oh, snap. Oh. [toothbrush whirs] I have no idea what is wrong
with that water heater, you know. But now, it is
flooding everywhere. [exhales and laughs] So are you paying
with cash or check? [electric buzz] [groans] No, y'all should have
called animal control for this little beast. I can't get rabies again. You're going right
back in there. Okay, uh. [water running] Moment of truth. [toilet flushes] [gasps] I had no idea you
could take this off. Lefty-tighty, righty-loosey. What in the Sam Hill? Toilets are crazy on the inside! [breathes heavily] [screams] You can, like,
keep fish in here! [knock on door] Uh, don't come in! [hammer pounds on the wall] I'm plumbing! If you slid a plate of
cheese under the door, I would not be mad. You will not best
me today, Poseidon! You've got to learn today! This garbage disposal's
really jammed. Okay, if I just-- Oh, no. [laughs] That would have been stupid. Okay. ♪♪ It was so cold. All the passengers were
getting hypothermia and I pulled one woman to shore,
but she was already fading. She just died right
there in my arms. Was she hot? ♪♪ Okay, let's get
you a prescription. Look I know it's been tough
losing the house and the job, but I want you to know, I am
doing so well right now! I mean life is good! Good! Now let's get you a prescription
for those violent rampages, you know? I do not know where my pad is. Let's go with-- Somewhere in
here, I'm sure. Not that. Definitely not that. Forgot that was in there. Could you hold
this real quick? Kay. Ooh! Bear tranquilizers! Those are gonna rock your world! [sigh] My children play
with these things. I don't even know why. Have you seen my paychecks? I should find one. Oh! [crying] That's in part because
of things like this. Emotional trauma. Okay. Michael Stevens,
here for bedwetting? Are you hard of hearing? <i> Michael Stevens!</i> <i> Here for bedwetting!</i> Also fear of doorknobs. What? That's kind of weird. As you know with
patient-doctor<i> confidentiality,</i> <i> nothing we</i> talk about
can leave this room so, I once killed a man. Listen, I met your ex and
you dodged a bullet. You know we were
married for 10 years! You dislodged a bullet. Wait, she's single now? That actually feels really
good to get off my chest. Therapy works! Who knew, right? Then when my dad passed away-- [dings] Oh! Look at that! Quitting time! Gonna go get in the bubble bath! [humming to self] Um-- Well I think you're
making great progress. Yeah, me too. You won't win
your father's love. What? What? 'Kay, now let's work on that
phobia of clowns, all right? Okay. How do you feel? Good. How do you feel? Good. Good, good. How do you feel? Not good. You're doing great. You're doing great! Sorry, I thought
I just-- I just thought I-- Your father hates you. [screaming] ♪♪ Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, over the course of this trial, I will prove beyond all doubt
that this man is innocent. He's not on trial. <i> She is.</i> <i> Whitney: Oh.</i> Yeah, I'm not sure about her. ♪♪ The whole truth,
and nothing but the truth. <i> Whitney: Objection,</i>
leading the witness. <i> I'm really not sure how</i>
to prep for this case. Half of these are
Harry Potter books. <i> Your honor,</i>
my client pleads the-- Oh, is it the fourth
or the fifth? <i> Judge: Are there any legal
precedents</i> for this case? I'm glad you asked,
your honor. Siri, google legal
precedents for goat robbery. The amendment that you
plead when you're guilty. Objection, leading the
witness, probably! <i> Also define legal</i> precedence. <i> That's not good enough.</i> I will not stand here
and listen to you fill this hallowed room of
justice with your blatant lies! Now answer the question. I want the truth! <i> Ooh,</i> this is rough. The minimum is five
years in Azkaban. Your honor, could I
request a short recess to see if my bar exam
scores have been posted? I'm really hoping
I pass this time. Can't fail five times in a row! You can. This is my sixth time. Objection, leading-- <i> Judge: Miss Duncan,</i> if you say leading the<i> witness
one more time,</i> I will fine you. Leading<i> the person who</i>
witnessed something. <i> Between you and me,</i> the judge on this case
is a total idiot. No, you don't need to type that. Stop it. Blugh! He's good. <i> Stacey: Mr. Jones, you were</i>
sitting at home eating dinner, <i> watching TV on the night of
July 15th, weren't you?</i> <i> Um, well, the night--</i> Objection? <i> Leading the witness.</i> Sustained. Oh, so that's what that means. <i> Actually, never mind,</i>
I'm still confused. <i> We will now take</i>
a 10-minute recess. Oh good. I need this. <i> I'm pretty sure the
Miranda Rights</i> <i> only apply to people
named Miranda.</i> <i> A simple fact.</i> You want to go? ♪♪ So will you be paying me before
or after you get sentenced? Because I would prefer before. [locker jostled] When did they
start making these? ♪♪ Don't worry Ma'am. We will find your purse thief. Now, how tall would
you say he was? Nice. About 6'0". Attractive? What? Would you say he was more
attractive than, say, me? Feeling lucky? Oh! Protected! Uh-- That's a yes. Got a situation. Someone stole my car keys. Okay, here's a rendering
of your description. Sir, do you have any idea
how fast you were going? 'Cause this is out of batteries. I'm putting out an APB on
a tall, caucasian male, blonde and very skinny. Oh there's a little
plug in thing! Hey! Hey, you! Stop loitering! [taser zapping] Dirty loiter bugs. <i> Baker 5 requesting back up.</i> Uh, I'm on my way. ETA five minutes,<i> maybe ten,</i>
maybe 15 minutes. Where's my gun? Give me 20 minutes. You seen my gun? You have an extra one? We've got an 1126 outside
the bank on Main Street. <i> You have an
abandoned bicycle?</i> Uh-- Oh. Laser tag. Never mind about the code,
someone's about to rob a bank! Oh wait! Hold on. <i> No.</i> <i> They're just standing
there</i> doing nothing. ♪♪ Wait, hey! Quit littering! So, in conclusion, the shark
is a majestic creature, but at its heart of hearts, it is a killing machine that
will tear your body apart in less time than
it takes to say, I wish I never set
foot in the ocean. Are there any questions? Okay, let's move
onto crocodiles. ♪♪ A as in ape, acorn,
ape-ul-- Wait. Okay, nap time everybody,
wake me up in two hours. Is that your mom? She looks a little thin
to be your mom. Okay, Sally, thank you, now does anybody have
anything for show and tell that isn't
incredibly boring? No? Okay, go to sleep, then. Ape-ul. Have I been pronouncing that
wrong my whole life? No, I forgot my lunch. Hey, Johnny, is that a roast
beef sandwich you've got there? How would you like to
get an A in this class? Remember, my ears don't
hear complaining. Did anyone watch The
Bachelor last night? I will tell you
about it in detail. Suzy, I don't care about
your problems, okay? Oh, she's bleeding. And for story time today,
we'll be reading Twilight. Because I swore you called it an
apple, but there's an a in it. Based on a true story,
listen up girls. Terry has been a joy
to have in class, easily one of the smartest
girls in the group. Terry's a boy. Terry the boy. The No Child Left
Behind Act is flawless. Apple. It's ape-ul for sure. He is average. Just slightly below. ♪♪ [laughing] What a lark! That's a good one. Wait, are we the worst ever
hosts of a compilation? We is. Sorry. Keep watching. Subscribe! Don't booty pop me,
I'll belly pop you. Oh sweet! My new app just downloaded. It's called Ask Sevy. <i> As in</i> Severus Snape? <i> Obviously.</i> That is so cool! <i> Sevy,</i> where is the
nearest gas station? <i> Take exit three hundred
and ninety four.</i> <i> You missed it.</i> ♪♪ Sevy, call Adam. [dialing] <i> Hello?</i> <i> Stephen dear?</i> Grandma? <i> Oh, I'm so glad you called!</i> Grandma. Sevy, how do I
make crème brulee? <i> Place the cream and vanilla
bean into a large frying pan.</i> <i> I am watching "Matlock."</i> <i> I'll describe it
shot by shot.</i> <i> We open on a picture
of the state capitol.</i> <i> And--</i> <i> You missed it again.</i> <i> Add powdered root of asphodel
to an infusion of wormwood.</i> Wait what? Sevy, do you think you
could talk a little faster? We're starting to run
low on gas here. <i> No.</i> Sevy, how do you
treat a snakebite? Sevy? <i> I refuse to help
people named James.</i> Oh, this looks so good. Hey, go ahead. Dig in. All right. Mmm. So? All right? It's really good. Natalie? Natalie. Hey, hey. <i> Now you know how it feels
to lose someone you love.</i> What? Great. Now we're out of gas! You're the worst Sevy! <i> Relax Matthew.</i> <i> I've called someone
to pick you up.</i> Oh really? Who? <i> The waaa-ambulence.</i> <i> Ha. Ha.</i> <i> Your battery is dead.</i> [sirens] ♪♪ [knocks on wood] Yeah, Grandma that's the door. I probably should go. <i> Oh, I'll just describe it to
you while you are walking.</i> Yeah, I can keep talking
while I get the door I guess. And ma'am, here's your salad. I made certain they didn't
put any peanuts on it. I didn't ask for that. [clatter] Oh yeah, that's right. ♪♪ Whoa. You know normally I'm
supposed to hang these up, but this is really bad. Okay, you're okay. It's okay. Here's your receipt, and if you'd like you can leave
a gratuity there at the bottom. Oh yeah. Did you do this with your
non-dominant hand? Thank you. [screams] That's so hot. Oh sorry. All right, here's your spicy
barbecue burger, medium rare, with a side of ranch
and cajun fries. Can I get you anything else? What happened to my band-aid? My recommendation would be
that Italian restaurant on Center Street. It's way better than this place. Yeah, I'd like to order a-- Three chicken parmesans. All right, let's not be
too dramatic now. Come on. Ah! Oh boy, sorry about that. Sorry. Jeez. Come on! Get it out of there! [laughs] No, ma'am. I'm afraid that if
you want gluten you're going to
have to pay for it. Gluten free. All right, are we celebrating
something tonight? Are you guys like ninjas? Emo witches? Open up! It's fine! Come on! For-- I don't know how
the kids' menu got mixed up with the
wine list, okay? Now does your daughter
want the merlot or not? I'm worth more than that. [screams] Jeremy:<i> That's
definitely</i> one of mine. You think that's bad? Every time I take a shower I
have an ankle bracelet of hair. Now who wants dessert? ♪♪ Mind if I take this? The next table needs some water. Move, move, move! We're losing him! Prep a crash cart and
get me 50 cc's-- Wait, wait, wait. Ah, do you think
this will come out? <i> Maybe</i> some vinegar
or something? This is like the
worst day ever now. ♪♪ At first I thought the cause
of death was kidney failure brought about by
untreated diabetes, but then I noticed the knife. Scalpel. We will put the leeches
here, here, and here. On the plus side one of you
is going home today with a free knife. <i> It's a Chef Mate,</i> so
that's good quality. [laughter] I'm kidding. No, we're going to have
to take that foot. Okay, time to test
those reflexes. Failed. We could put it
in a jar for you and keep it on your
mantle or something. You know, this is
when I could walk. I have some rather exciting
news, you're pregnant. I'm a quack. Well my PhD from Botswana's<i>
premiere online college</i> says otherwise. Oh he's going to be
a soccer player. I say he, but you know,
too early to tell. Come on, come on, come on! Clear! [screaming] What is this? Ah! [flat lining] Well Mr. Robinson, I am pleased to tell you that you have made a
full recovery my friend. I give you a clean bill of
health and you are free to go. <i> Whitney: He's dead.</i> That's why he won our
staring contest. ♪♪ You have got to stay pumped. Now I got my special playlist
I'm going to give you that I give all my clients. Mostly a lot of Enya on here. And some Savage Garden,
and some Creed, but don't start with the Creed, because you cannot
go any higher. You start with the Creed. So you got to
work your way up. ♪♪ Focus on your lower back. There should be a big pop. Don't wear shoes. All right, now take them off. Take them off. Time to get our protein on. You got some really big glutes. The cave men
didn't have shoes. They used their bare feet. So skipping
breakfast is fine, as long as you eat a lot
of red meat at lunch. You want to pack
in that red meat. Shove it in. You're really good
at this for a girl. Oh, here. I got you. It's important to stay hydrated. So you a Pepsi or
Coke kind of guy? Okay. Come on dude. I got you. I like the toenails. We got this. Let's work as a team. And now we wait
for five minutes, and if we don't throw
up, we can work out. Squat man, come on! Use the back! In the meantime, you should read this pamphlet
on salmonella poisoning. Push it up. Okay. Okay, we'll start this again once you've regained
consciousness. ♪♪ Listening to Enya
back there? Good. Good. Hi, my name is Natalie. I'll be your
masseuse today. Hi. Come
on back here. I'll go ahead and
give you the room to get dressed
to my comfort level. You mean get dressed
to my comfort level. No, mine. Here's a coat and
a sleeping bag. ♪♪ [yawning] This music is making me sleepy. [rock n' roll music] How many nieces and
nephews do you have before you stop caring
about the new ones? Three? You know, I would appreciate a really quiet massage. Gotcha! Yeah. [whispering]: Because my
sister is pregnant again and I have a
hard time caring. Okay, I like to start
with some essential oils, so go ahead and drink this
and we'll get started. [rock music] Alright, it looks
like I have an appointment with Gary Arnoldson. Wrinkles. Uh, huh, just right
down there. Ugh, okay, my turn. My turn! Come on! Off you go! Dentist, huh? That must really
pay the bills. This job does not. I'm also a dog walker. So, I'm just going
to do both, okay. Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Oh, my hands
are getting sore. Here we go. [dog panting] Yeah, just
like that. These are really good for
getting blackheads too. Ah! Ow! That is a big one! Ow! I'll get the other
one in here too. Oh! Stop! [crunch] [chewing] Matt: What is that? Natalie:<i> It's a new lotion.</i> Oh, it's nice. Yeah. It's gonna blow! Ow! Natalie: It's
right here. It's right-- You are not getting
a good tip. I've never done
hot rocks before but I am willing to
try if you are. This guy has the hands
of a feathered angel. Okay, if you'd like some more
deep-tissue massage, I can walk on your back. In which case, I would have
to wear some shoes. High-heels or cleats? Oh, this mole is really dark. I'll get my scissors. Ow! Do these smell
weird to you? Matt: That feels good. [exhales] Does that
feel good? No. Is that
relaxing? No. [exhales] I don't like that. Okay. ♪♪ I would go barefoot, but I have this weird rash
on my feet and hands. No, no, no. I don't care what it takes. The shipment will get here on
time or you are out of time. Is that clear? <i> Your drug empire ends
tonight, I'm afraid.</i> John? What? How did you know? Dang it! Ugh. Your empire ends-- <i> I already saw your face.</i> ♪♪ Time to employ some
long-range tactics. Where'd it go? [screams in pain] [panting] [crashing] <i> Man: I think he went this way!</i> <i> Man 2: Over there!</i> [peaceful music] I did it. I achieved transcendence. [screams] [exhales] [knife falls to floor] [crashing] Man 1:<i> Is that him?</i> [garbage rustling loudly] Man 2:<i> Over there!</i> <i>
Check by the dock!</i> [snoring] <i> Adam: Almost there.</i> [groans] [panting] Okay. Okay, come on. [grunting in effort] Open, please. <i> [screaming]</i> <i> [crash]</i> <i> [car alarm]</i> [grunting] Man 1:<i> Go, go, go, go!</i> Man 2:<i> Over here!</i> [crashing] [grunting continues] Help! How do I get back in? [screaming] This isn't working! [sneeze] Oh, gross, no! Man 1:<i> Where'd he go?</i> Man 2:<i> I think he went that way.</i> Man 1:<i> No, he's not here.</i> [groans in frustration] Whatever. [grunts] Ah, finally! Okay. [breathing quickly] <i> Man 1: Look down that alley.</i> <i> Man 2: I heard something
over here!</i> [grunts] Oh! This is hard! [whimpers] [blows] [blows again] [groans in frustration] [inhales] John? No. ♪♪ Hey, I think I'm getting
a parking ticket. Meh. Guess I don't have
to pay it anymore. Thanks for watching! Yes. Make sure you subscribe. Yes. Comment, like, everything fun,
share with your friends. We'll see you in
the funny papers. Bye. ♪♪
