What's up Greg! I hope your all having a great day. Welcome back to my channel and I'd just like to say... Merry Cringemas Well guys, it's that time of year again My lips are chapped, my bones are cold and its dark out all the fucking time which means.. it's Christmas time So I'm a pretty big Christmas movie guy, I like uh It's a Wonderful Life, I watch that every year with my family Home Alone, those movies are great. But today I would like to talk about what may possibly be the worst Christmas movie ever made THE SANTA CLAUSE (with a weird E at the end) featuring Tim Allen uh It may also actually be the best Christmas movie ever made, But I haven't decided yet The Santa Clause came out in 1994 and since then it's become a bit of a classic. A lot of you may have seen it...I remember really liking it when I was a kid but if you're like me and you haven't seen it since you were really, really young and you just have those fond memories of it if you were to watch it today, you would probably be like *suspense music* "what the fuck is this movie?" because when you're a kid you don't really notice things like giant glaring plot holes, the movie condoning murder, kidnapping, all this shit that this movie has in it, uh, which makes it pretty fucked up. And sure, other Christmas movies have weird elements too, like, Home Alone is basically just about two guys trying to murder a child. But The Santa Clause is weird through and through. It's sort of an origin story for Santa, and it basically tries to establish this entire universe around, uh, Santa Claus, and where he comes from, and none of it makes any fucking sense. So I know in this channel, I usually talk about things like weird cringy youtube videos or shitty Instagram comedians, but today I wanna take a bit of a step back and focus on something else The Santa Clause featuring Tim Allen Also stick around to the end of this video for a very special Christmas music video So this movie starts out by establishing the main character, Scott Calvin He's, like an executive at a toy company "Here at B&R toys, we're not just about making a profit in quality toys we're also about families." "But our families aren't here with us right now. Which is probably why Johnson's secretary's sitting in his lap." *laughter* Johnson's secretary's siting in his lap... He's cheating on his wife *awkward laugh* Scott Calvin is divorced, he had a son with this girl, Laura and um, his kid, Charlie now lives with Laura and her new husband, Neal "Ohh son" "Hi" "Hi" "Did you want to come in for a minute?" "Neal's waiting in the car, so--" "Why doesn't he come in?" "'Cause, Daddy, he says you'll just end up saying something snotty." "Not necessarily" "Could be rude or sarcastic" "Whatever it takes" "See? I gotta go." "Come on" Uuhh, Neal I hate Neal Neal sucks I feel like most movies that start out like this where it's like this, like split up family and the main character has been divorced it seems like, it tries to sorta make you feel bad for them at first, like "Aww man, he didn't deserve for his wife to leave him and marry some other man." and now they're all turned against him. Even the kid thinks he's kinda of an asshole, but in this one, they're just like, "No, yeah he actually is an asshole. He deserved it." His wife honestly should've left him for someone else. She can do a whole lot better than Scott Calvin; she needs Neal. Fucking Neal I hate Neal Neal sucks So Laura and Neal come over to drop Charlie off at Scott's house because Charlie is going to be spending Christmas with Scott "Do I gotta stay?" "You and your daddy are going to have a great Christmas" "okay?" "Will you pick me up tomorrow?" "Of course" "Early?" "Yes" The beginning of this movie does not present Scott in a very flattering light. It's just really hammering home the point of Scott not being a good dude. Like even his own son is like, "Mom! Get me out of here!" "This old dude is a bummer and a half, man. I gotta go, I cannot spend Christmas with him He makes me too sad. I'd rather spend it with Neal." And then it's time for bed on Christmas Eve night. And this is where our magical little adventure really begins *bumping, yelling and sleigh bells can be heard on the roof* *basically a bunch of loudass noises* Charlie wakes up in the middle of the night because he hears a bumping sound. He hears like a bump, and then some like yelling and sleigh bells. And so he gets up to go tell his dad And at first his dad is like "Fuck off I'm trying to sleep" but then he hears it too "Somebody's on the roof." So Scott runs outside- and you'll never guess who is there *Magical Chrismas music builds* "Hey you!" *Santa falling and yelling incoherently * * More building Christmas music* IT'S SANTA! Wow! How fun! So if you have never seen this movie before you're probably wondering: "Is Santa dead?" Uh we'll get to that in a second. But first I want to talk about a big plot hole here. Santa has been doing this for a long time, right? He's like an ageless mythical being who goes from house to house every Christmas, sneakily puts presents under the tree-- never been caught, right? Nobody has concrete evidence that Santa is real, in fact most people it seems in this universe don't believe Santa is real. BUT HE MAKES SO MUCH NOISE How does he manage to not get caught when he is constantly making loudass noises on the roof? Stomping around and yelling Why was he yelling? And- at who? Who is he yelling at? His reindeer? They don't speak English Okay, anyway Uhh what were we talking about? Oh, you wanted to know if Santa's dead. He is. He just slides right off the roof and fucking dies. *Danny laughs at Santa's random weird ass death* And that's the beginning of this movie Santa dies. Um so it's a great movie for kids. I like how when he slides off the roof the snow sort of like bunches up and folds over and you can totally tell it's just a blanket I mean you gotta love the '90's man. The set decoration is so clearly fake But to be fair these days the whole thing would've probably just be CG This whole sequence, him falling of the roof I mean if this movie made today the whole thing would be probably CG Tim Allen would probably be a minion and Santa Claus would probably be a minion and Zendaya would probably be Meechee Now I know you are probably thinking: "Uh oh! Santa's laying in the front yard" "with like a broken spine" "and he's dead." I really hope Charlie doesn't see this Because this is... you know Traumatizing shit for a kid, right? But he comes out and he sees him And he's stoked You got him! He is so happy he's like, "YES DAD YOU GOT HIM!" "YOU KILLED THAT BITCH!" So he searches his suit and he finds his card and it's like "if something happens to me put on my suit , the reindeer will know what to do" And then he is like: Reindeer? "What reindeer?" So he backs up Wait hold on Wait--He's oh no Santa's still alive! :( That's even more fucked up! And-- Why they haven't called 9-1-1? He didn't die on impact he's just laying there with a broken spine And nobody's doing anything about it There is still time to save this poor man. I mean this is really... ...classic christmas shit right here I mean this is what the holiday season is all about y'know? The smell of sugar cookies.. ...and beautiful lights lighting up the entire neighborhood and a dying old man laying in the snow in your front yard OK so anyway They are confused about the card saying reindeer so now they've gone to look up to roof *More building Christmas music* wwoOOahh :D I wonder what it's gonna be! C'mon I'm so excited what is it what is it??? Why is it taking so long? Why haven't they called 9-1-1 yet? OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :D REINDEER! :D How did he not notice the reindeer before? Santo was literally standing right next to them and he didn't see that? He didn't see 12 big-ass reindeer pulling a gigantic sleigh? OK maybe he was a bit- pre-occupied He might've been a bit focused on the man plummeting to his death but I mean C'MON "Dad" "He disappeared" "WoAh :O" "He's naked somewhere" And just like that, Santa's gone :( I guess this is just part of like the Santa lore That this movie is trying to establish When Santa dies He disappears Because :l He's a Jedi So they go up and they see the reindeer Y'know in most movies reindeer are depicted as these very cute Pure, innocent animals They help Santa fly from city to city Uh for some reason in this movie they made them these vile sick beasts That just fart and burp *fart and burp noises* They get up there and Charlie convinces Scott to sort of take on role of Santa Claus When he puts on the suit the reindeer all of the sudden just start listening to him So the reindeer take him to the next house and he just is Santa now He spends the rest of the night delivering presents With the COOLEST animations~ And the sickest special effects And that's the basic set up of this entire movie That's what this movie's about This idea... that this dude, Scott Calvin, just this random guy accidentally killed Santa, put on his clothes, And then he just is Santa now What kind of system is that?! This movie is so weird If you just kill Santa... you just get to be Santa What other occupation has that system? I mean what can you just walk into a hospital and kill a doctor and put on his clothes and now you're a doctor? No You can't I've tried I guess like the king of an 18th century monarchy would have the same rules Like if you kill him then i guess you're in charge now but I don't know it just seems like such an outdated system So after a long successful night of delivering Christmas presents The reindeer take Scott and Charlie back to the North Pole Where... this kid has been just.. waiting outside in sub zero temperatures To let them in And this is a beautiful sight, this is when we get to see Santa's toy factory for the first time The elves are all gathered around to see Santa but.. Oh no.. these elves are all going to be mortified when they realize that... their Santa died... And now there's a new Santa.. When they see Scott Calvin and not the actual Santa Claus They're all gonna be so sad.. :( I mean this movie's about to take a dark turn.. for sure NOPE These motherfuckers don't care at all In fact they're stoked to see this guy "Who's in charge here?" *giggle* "You are, and I'm not a kid I've pointy shoes that are older than you" "Who gives the orders? Who's your boss?" "You are" "No No no uh who-who's the head elf?" "You are!" And they all just accept that he's Santa now Immediately just like welp fuck the old Santa Claus you're Santa now dude Why are they.. so thrilled to get a new Santa Claus? That's not good This dude could be like.. evil or a huge creep or something And they've just given him the power of being able to.. fly around the world at light speed and have access to everybody on earth's house Actually that might explain why they're so happy the old Santa was gone maybe he was like a huge asshole or like a creep Who kept making passes at the elves or something.. I don't know It definitely doesn't reflect well on the old Santa Claus if all the elves are just cool with him being dead now So he walks around and starts asking Elves questions And they all just brush him off? They're like.. "Dude I don't have time to answer your questions. You're Santa alright? Just.. bye." "Who are you?" "I'm Bernard. Nice to meet you, Santa" "I'm not Santa! I've had a rough night.. there's been dogs barking, guns going off.." "Look, my back's killing me. Have you ever tried to shove a steep kayak down a chimney? I'm tired of the small talk." "The other Santa disappeared right?" Like this dude Bernard who seems to be in charge or at the very least like Santa's second hand man He's just like, "you're Santa *whoosh*" And then he walks away And every time Scott asks him a question he's just like "Dude.. you're Santa okay?! Bye!" Like at least explain.. like.. what the job entails or anything Like that's all Scott wants to know is just like, what's going on? Why does he keep just walking away? *laughs* But he does give Charlie a snow globe Which Charlie is very happy about "Thanks. Thanks a lot!" Uh probably.. probably too happy actually "Thanks a lot!" "I promise I'll take real good care of it" Yeah dude it's.. just a snow globe you don't have to be so creepy about it But once Bernard decides to stop acting like an invasive little weasel He finally tells Scott what's going on The card that Scott picked up has tiny little fine print on it That's a legal contract that says "if you pick up Santa's suit and put it on you're Santa now" And its legally binding And its called the Santa Clause So Bernard explains all this to him and then he walks away again.. There's all these weird parts in this movie.. So they take Santa back to his room where he gets this suite its like Santa suite or whatever at the North Pole And this elf Judy brings him some hot cocoa Now these elves all look at kids but I guess they're all hundreds of years old.. But Scott hasn't really learned that yet, I mean he just sort of got here So what he says next is.. kind of creepy. *clinking* "I brought you some cocoa" "No thanks" "It's my own recipe.. took me 1200 years to get it right.." "1200 years?" "That's right!" "You know I must say.. you look pretty good for your age" Wow what a creepy thing to say to someone that you assume is probably a child She definitely looks like one Gross Scott! So Scott falls asleep in the Santa suite with Charlie right by his side It was a great Christmas and he wakes up the next morning.. back in his own house With no recollection of how he got home And the whole thing that happened to him last night, kind of feels like a dream But *spoiler alert* it wasn't. But they don't ever explain how he got back to his house.. So.. that's kind of weird. Did they.. drug him? Or what? So Laura comes back over to pick up Charlie, and you better believe she's gonna have some questions about what happened last night But.. don't worry, Scott keeps his cool "Nice pjs! Very festive, where'd you get them?" "... I don't know" Nice job Scott "Dad and me went with the flying reindeer" "It was really neat mom" "Dad was Santa and then he showed me the workshop" "You know where they make all the toys?! "Gee thanks for keeping his feet on the ground" So this is the real conflict of the movie now Charlie starts telling Laura and Neil that Scott is Santa Claus and he took him to the North Pole last night And they had this whole great time and they met all these elves and obviously Neil and Laura, because they don't believe in Santa Claus are like "Oh.. he's insane." So from here on out, Laura and Neil, try to keep Charlie as far away from Scott as they possibly can Because y'know from their perspective he's insane "I think Charlie is conflicted at the moment" "Oh boy you got more important things to worry about y'know" "Like where are you gonna get more sweaters after the circus pulls out of town?" YahAHHA FUCK NEIL And for some reason Scott never tries to prove that he's Santa Like Santa's a magical being, he's Santa now He could probably summon the sleigh or something to show them that he's Santa But.. he just doesn't he's just cool with like never seeing his kid and losing his entire family He just lets them think he's crazy to the point where they take him to court and he loses all custody and visitation rights for Charlie Yeah this movie's kind of dark I just realized Scott could have at least tried to convince them that he's Santa And tried to convince them he's not crazy I mean over the course of a couple of weeks he does like gain a shit ton of a weight and his hair turns white and he grows a beard Like he literally changed more than most people in like 20 years in a couple weeks And he didn't try to be like "Hey look! Like something weird's going on obviously so maybe don't take away my kid." During this part we also find out a little bit of back story about Neil and Laura and why they both decided to stop believing in Santa Claus And we find out that they've got like some serious Santa Claus baggage? Like they both get really emotional talking about it "Oh come on Laura. Don't you remember when you stopped believing in Santa Claus?" "I was Charlie's age. I wrote Santa a letter every week that year.." "Boy I really wanted a Mystery Date game." "Christmas morning came and *staggered inhale* oh I got dozens of presents. I got everything!" "... Except.. mystery date" "I was three and it was an Oscar Mayer weenie whistle" What adult grows up with that much.. emotional baggage over one Christmas gift or about Santa That's SO WEIRD But this all brings up a very good point Why don't they believe in Santa?! I mean it made sense before because we didn't know Santa was real yet But now, halfway into the movie, we know that Santa's real So how could you not believe in him? I mean they have a kid, they have Charlie aren't they freaked out every year when gifts show up that they didn't buy for him? and these questions just aren't answered in this movie It's just this giant plot hole that they never explain how do they not believe in Santa Charlie clearly gets gifts labeled Santa And neither of them bought them but there just like well *boing* I don't know we must all just have amnesia I guess I-I I guess I did buy that present and I just labeled it Santa This whole part of the movie all occurs over the course of a year So by the time its the end of the movie it's Christmas time again Scotts getting all sad and shit So he goes over to visit Charlie which he's not supposed to do "Could you guys leave us alone for a minute" and then he ask to be alone with Charlie which he's not supposed to do and then he kidnaps Charlie which he's not supposed to do So it's Christmas time Santa gets all suited up he's ready for action There's this uh weird little dancing cut scene That they don't acknowledge and doesn't really make sense in the context of this movie but then he hopes in his sleigh and he's off to deliver presents And then Santa gets arrested for you know kidnapping someone "So let's make this simple" "I say name you say Scott Calvin" "Name" "Chris Kringle" *Same shit again* So they put Scott in jail He's total not cooperating But luckily at the north pole they have this like elite Secret agent elf squad That is trained to come n' save Santa when he gets himself in situations like being in jail. Why do they need this, this is something that Shouldn't happen often It seems weird that they would even be prepared for this unless I was right about the old Santa being A fucking weirdo So the elves squad show up and pick up Charlie The elf squad is lead by this kid who "Don't worry were the good guys" really rubs me the wrong way for some reason *Kid says the same line AGAIN* *Danny Groans uncomfortable* Why does he talk like that ew I swear this kid talks like he's like a Tik Tok star or something He's like trying to be cute for his 12-year-old fans Don't worry we're the good guys ehhe ugh dude "The police are watching this place" "yeah they probably are but cha'see we weren't figuring on walking out the front door We find that we can get around a lot faster if we fly" I don't like this kid at all not one bit this kid makes my stomach churn Why did he even say it like that Why didn't he just say "We're not gonna walk we're gonna fly" He had to be all Extra about it *Bad Boy Music* "We find that we can get around a lot faster by flying" hea. *Chewing noise* So anyway they break Santa outta jail and now Santa has been broken out of prison He did kidnap Charlie. I mean the movie total glosses over that Like he legal kidnapped someone. He didn't have a right to take Charlie He could have gone and delivered presents without Charlie and he did kidnap him so is the movie just gonna pretend like that's cool *nice voice crack Danny* "Mom!" "Neil!" *FUCK Neil* "I'm home" *The mom and Neil say Charlie a bunch of times* "I think it's a much better idea that you stay here with your mom and Neil" *Fuck Neil* "Laura what do you think, Chrismas eve I spend with Charlie" "Oh my god" "It's you" "It really is you" "You really are Santa Clause" So this is sort of the resolution of the movie Scott returns Charlie home Laura comes in and just like by seeing Scott she realizes that He's Santa that's what does it Just her seeing him this dude Scott never even has to try to convince her He just shows up in a costume and she's like "Oh holy shit...you are Santa" "You are the legendary magical being Santa clause I'm convinced of it now" "Seeing you in this costume" So that's kinda the end of the movie Scott escapes the police He's free to go deliver the rest of the presents he is just Santa forever until I guess someone else kills him and then he disappears and someone else becomes Santa Say what you want but the Santa Cause is a Chrismas classic People love this movie its been around for over 20 years now and it's still going strong. I mean this I found this DVD at target for $10 So if that doesn't say classic then what does and you know what I think is a little bit fucked up is that this movie doesn't have a song. Because the Grinch has a song and that's a classic Christmas movie Rudolf the red nose reindeer has a Christmas song and THAT'S a classic Christmas movie but the Santa clause gets no love Why does the Santa clause get no love? Nobody sings about this movie I think that if we're gonna make The Santa clause a bigger part of this holiday season and we're gonna keep it around as a Chrismas classic then there needs to be a Santa Clause song So I made one *Music* (Oooooh 4x) Every Christmas I'm a very good boy I put out milk and cookies for this guy to enjooooy But Santa never brings the right toy I felt like giving up on all this Holiday joooooy But if you've seen The Santa Clause you know (you know) You become Santa if you put on Santa's coat (oooh) You can kill him and leave him dead up in the snow (oh) The elves don't even care about you murdering their bro And so This Christmas gonna be special to me I ain't gonna ask for a car with a key I ain't gonna write to Santa asking him please Cause what i want for Christmas can't fit under the tree I wanna be Santa Claus So i'm gonna kill Santa Claus When I hear those Reindeer paws I'm gonna break the law This Christmas Don't got a wishlist I got a hit list And at the top of it is Old Saint Nicholas Nothing against him It's just business I ain't the Grinch but I'm gonna steal Christmas I made a list and checked it twice (ooh) For all the fucks I give about ending Santa's life And I found none I'll travel at the speed of light If I'm Santa now does that mean that I sleep with Santa's wife? Cause I'm down son (yeah) Fire in my fire place Not talking about his flying ship when I say imma slay He gon die son Imma wake up Christmas day With all the dopest presents that I forced the elves to make They're my prisoners I'll never understand why this is The way that they decide who the next Santa Claus is How do people not believe that Santa exists? In this world aren't adults concerned about all these gifts They didn't buy I wanna be Santa Claus So I''m gonna kill Santa Claus When I hear those reindeer paws I'm gonna break the law This Christmas Don't got a wishlist I got a hitlist And at the top of it is Old Saint Nicholas Nothing against him It's just business I ain't the Grinch but I'm gonna steal Christmas *music* Join Greg today, or we will steal Christmas. *music* alright guys well thank you for watching this video I hope you enjoyed it By the way if you wanna get this cool nutcracker Christmas sweater go on over to: Dannygonzales.store To cop yourself some there's also a bunch of other new merch If you liked this video and you're new here make sure you subscribe and turn on my notifications to join GREG GREG is the strongest, fastest growing army on the internet We'll probably be passing T-Series pretty soon, actually so that's pretty cool Alright, thank you Ariana for turning on my notifications you are truly GREG I'll see guys next time with a really interesting video.. Where I discover that I've been dead this whole time...bye! subtitles done by someone who now wants to die because of how fast Danny talks :)
