The VANNtage Point Series - The Gift of Forgiveness (9/9/21)

[Music] so [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] so [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] this is a special edition of the vantage point and my name is edgar vann this is where i deal with salient issues and conversations and wisdom that i seek to share with the audience well you know scripture teaches us jesus actually says i came that you may have life and that you might have it more abundantly that means that the raw material for success in life is actually in you abundant life is already yours all you need to do is possess the keys that unlock the door to your future and of course to add to it a sense of personal responsibility and accountability listen you've got what it takes so take what you got and make it happen live life differently don't live typically and be the exception no more excuses well i'm grateful tonight this is a very special edition of the vantage point and tonight we're going to be continuing a conversation i've been having for weeks now about forgiveness but here's what i want you to do i want you to share it i want you to like it i want you to make sure that you're in the chat and with your comments with your questions whatever they may be you place them there we want this to be an interactive experience because this subject tonight is a subject that is on the hearts and minds of so many people these days we've come out of or coming out of hopefully a real critical season of great crisis and of course of great sort of discombobulation people thrown off in their rhythm and their routine and for many life has been thrown off in so many ways shapes forms and fashions what we're here to do tonight is really talk about forgiveness and i have a special guest that is going to help me to share and to talk tonight about the gift of forgiveness it's somebody that i'm well acquainted with a tremendous person a tremendous uh coach facilitator uh an elder a minister and soon to be an author sandra cobb i'm so grateful to have you with me tonight sandra it's just a blessing to have you with me on this edition of vantage point uh how are you doing this evening i am well and uh very humbled and grateful to be here thank you for having me well it's it's a blessing and it's certainly a privilege for us to uh get a chance to just share a little wisdom with people on on on a weeknight and uh people need inspiration they need answers as well and uh we see a lot of unforgiveness taking place in our world that's why our world is so divided that's why there's so many things going on and uh i've got you here i'm blessed to have you here to talk a little bit about forgiveness well first of all let's start out by talking about you if you don't mind don't mind it tell us a little bit about you your background so that the audience those that do not know you will know well i am a very proud mother of three precious gifts for shaquita and silas iii and uh grandmother of nine now nine amazing grandchildren how about that and i i this is one of my favorite things spending time with my grandbabies i have been in ministry for quite a while now and um i'm just growing with god bishop and and listening and learning and flowing where where he wants me to go you know was this um the starter pandemic that like many other people had to they had to pivot and you had talked start talking to us about the need to pivot sometimes even before the pandemic and i found myself that my job was changing things were changing and i've always wanted to do full-time ministry but i was busy working right trying to get the money in so there was opportunity for me to slow down and pause and see you know what is it that i can do in full-time ministry that god would have me to do um and so i i took the time to pivot and i took a leap of faith and that's what got me to where i am now right i just believe that we talk about many things i believe success bishop is knowing the will of god for your life and then doing it and so that's what i'm purposing to do at this time just live out the will that i believe god has for me at this time well that just sounds absolutely great i mean it takes uh sometimes a long time for us to really pursue our passions uh with passion and uh for that also to be you know the hallmark of our lives while we're um while god is taking care of us we're in a position to really use the gifts that he's given us but why forgiveness i mean a lot of coaching disciplines um i'm a trained and licensed coach [Music] and i know that there are many many disciplines of coaching so would you talk to us about why you made the decision to be a forgiveness coach that's a great question and i started off asking myself the same question okay god what area in particular do you want me to focus on and he through much prayer much prayer and seeking god i he he kept bringing me to pain points in my life and those pain points were always connected to an opportunity to forgive right so it's like wow those are the greatest lessons that i've learned the the greatest pain that i've been through taught me god taught me how to forgive through those those opportunities and so i wonder wow can i be a forgiveness coach whoever i've never heard of a forgiveness coach right and it really just means like in other areas that sometimes you need someone to walk alongside with you right to give you some direction or or help you to come up to your own conclusions and make your own decisions and help you create a pathway to where you where you want to go i want to be that for for people i know a lot of times i didn't grow up in a church bishop and but when i got into church immediately you could hear lessons about forgiving forgiving we're supposed to forgive and so i accepted that but i didn't know how to do it and i thought i was by myself and so there are many people there are many people that know they're supposed to forgive as a christian but they don't quite know how to and i want to be that forgiveness coach to help them on that path you speak of the pain of life it is something that people think that they can defer they don't have to go through anything they don't have to and they find out that the more they live the more we must learn how to navigate through seasons of pain how to navigate through crises how to navigate through circumstances predicaments situations and that the pain of life whether it's physical whether it's mental emotional is inevitable we are going to go through painful experiences and it's amazing how many of those experiences really boil down often to a lack of forgiveness on the part of one person or another you're right you're absolutely right you know i i've learned in my young age of course okay in my young age that as long as we're on this side of heaven there's going to be pain there's going to be trouble there'll be struggles and there will be opportunities to forgive right so you you can't avoid it it's going to happen so and and the pain the struggles when you're going through it you don't enjoy it it doesn't feel good and a lot of times you hear it's like a cliche you know that that your your uh pain that you're going through some somehow will be your message that that you give to other people i didn't i didn't endure the pain thinking that somehow someday i'll be able to help someone else i was just trying to survive bishop you know i was just trying to get through the hard time i was trying to get through the pain and agony and it was by god's grace that he showed me he literally showed me he was my first counselor how to forgive well that's so important i want to get right into it because i want us to you know begin our discussion uh we're talking about uh the gift of forgiveness why why would we typify forgiveness as a gift what what what is it are we giving a gift to god are we giving a gift to ourselves are we giving a gift to others what exactly does that mean the gift to of of forgiveness i think mostly is a gift to yourself bishop we it's obedience to god it can be liberty for the offender but it certainly is a gift to yourself and a lot of times people think that things that god tells us to do he's trying to keep something from us and he's not he's trying to get something to us right so the gift of forgiveness it gives you freedom it gives you peace there's so many things that come with a forgiving heart the opposite of that you know is unforgiveness and and all the negative things that come with that but if you want to give yourself a gift then decide to forgive it's a gift for you yeah i think that unforgiveness really becomes uh uh very detrimental and deleterious to us because it is almost like a poison i've i've typified it as as poison that that unforgiveness is a poison it is something that is becomes a part of us and it corrupts us it corrupts relationships it corrupts um our lives and our interaction with others and it leaves a stench uh with us as we seek to um reestablish new relationships as we move forward uh in life and and unforgiveness causes a heaviness i know you've seen that uh with your clients i know you've seen that uh with other persons that you have observed how people are trapped absolutely literally trapped in unforgiveness and um go through life you know stressed out flipped out tripped out um heavy uh it affecting their their physicality their mentality uh their emotionality uh simply because this is so heavy to them they are trapped you know i envision it as you're so engulfed with unforgiveness it's like putting on a straight jacket that you know the bitterness has such a hold on you anger has such a hold on you the resentment has such a hold on you that it's like putting yourself in a straight jacket and you can't move you can't go for it you're just bound by your decision to hang on to unforgiveness that again brings us back to give yourself the gift free yourself from unforgiveness but what if somebody says you know sandra they they will say i'm not going to forgive anybody because that's letting them off the hook for what they did to me and how they hurt me i want them to hurt like i heard they shouldn't be able to get away from that what do we say the the truth is and you mentioned it all the negative things about unforgiveness you're the only one feeling that your offender is not feeling the pain the headaches the anxiety the high blood pressure the the pain in your stomach maybe because of ulcers and things that are maybe brewing now your offender isn't feeling that your offender has gone on about his or her business and you're the one stuck with those negative consequences of unforgiveness you're not hurting your offender you're only hurting yourself okay so if i forgive someone that has hurt me really really bad are you saying or are we saying tonight that we're to forgive them and everything's supposed to be like it was before and we're supposed to be at the same level of relationship uh that we were with that person before etc etc etc that forgiveness means forgetting oh my goodness okay so forgiveness forgive and forget that's the cliche right forgive and forget when you decide to forgive it doesn't mean that god has just wiped your memory right the the event is not gone from your memory it happened it's real and no one can tell you that it didn't happen to you you know that it happened to you but it does mean that you're willing to forget revenge when you think about it it does mean when you think about the offense you're willing to forgive trying to pay them back there are things that you you forget yeah but it's not the memory of it it means that you're you're forgetting uh trying to make them pay for for hurting you and does it necessarily mean reconciliation no it doesn't automatically mean reconciliation reconciliation can come when you decide to forgive but it's not necessarily automatic and sometimes is not safe in the case of abuse for example right if it's physical abuse or emotional abuse child abuse if the environment is not safe to go back to that doesn't mean you haven't forgiven them because there's not reconciliation it just may mean it's not safe now to me for example using the case of an abuser an abuser that is truly repentant is going to want to get help and so once the the person has gotten the help that they needed the healing that they need and maybe then there's opportunity for reconciliation but it doesn't mean that the two go necessarily hand in hand every time you know um when i teach about forgiveness i always talk about patterns you know because the the person who is the victim of abuse or the victim of an infraction or the victim of uh an indiscretion or whatever it may be is the person who has to have a sense of discernment to understand patterns or mistakes you know what have they are these just an aberration of behavior or is this part and parcel of that person's behavior in character because patterns to me reveal personality and then personality for me reveals character and then when you see a person's character you know what their destiny is because that's where they're going they they have pointed their life in a certain direction so you got to be careful about patterns people can if if and that i'm saying that with reference to reconciliation when we see constant patterns uh in people what we have to do is be very observant we have to be very wise we have to be very discerning so that we're not stepping into walking into the same buzz saw that we just got out of and uh and yet there is and may be in that situation a place for grace i was just thinking that i was just thinking that because we too often i think are quick to throw people away right you know you did it to me once you did it to me twice you did it to me three times that's it you know we we have we have these um milestones if you will or we've said enough is enough and we throw people away uh it may not be an intimate relationship you enter into again but i think people are worth wow that you just don't throw and i just think of myself i i just think of i'm so grateful that god extends grace toward me as often as i need to go to him for forgiveness he just doesn't throw me away because i keep messing up right so maybe your grace extended to a person will help them come to repentance will help them to see a different way of doing something doesn't mean you become a doormat at all it doesn't mean that but we should not be so quick to throw people away extend some grace well we live in a disposable society you know right we dispose you know everything has to be at our use and what forgiveness really teaches us is that everybody's not going to act always 100 percent the way we want them to act they're not going to always do 100 percent the way we think they ought to do and if we are to honestly evaluate ourselves we will also know that we too are not perfect i think that sometimes when pain is inflicted on us that god actually opens our eyes to sometimes be able to also see where we too are imperfect though it hurts so there's an emotional side to this that's the initial blush but then there's also this this this point where somehow we have to start thinking and not just emoting so that so that we find ourselves in a place where we can forgive and do it sincerely again not letting anybody off the hook again not necessarily reconciling a relationship back to where it was but being in a position to look at a situation and to make some decisive action because forgiveness has to be a thing where we decide to decide true true it's got to be something that that you make up in your mind you're not going to forgive somebody if you don't want to it won't it just will not happen naturally it it just won't it's a it is and i don't and i speak on behalf or to the christian and from the perspective is a christian i don't know how you do it otherwise because i know uh stupid in my flesh that's not the that's just not the natural thing that you want to do when someone hurts you in the flesh what you want to reach out and do is hurt them back but as as a christian we have we have a power inside of us that helps us to go beyond beyond that flesh and so you mentioned that forgiving is a decision right and it's absolutely decision i remember posting on something on facebook and asking the question is forgiveness a choice or is it a decision right and and you've the responses were about equal i like to say that forgiveness is choosing to decide to forgive because there's so many verses in the bible that tells us what we're supposed to be doing commandments right that god gives us we don't always choose to obey them we just don't that's that's the truth we just don't always shoot and when we choose not to obey that's the definition of sin when it comes to forgiveness it is a decision but i choose to obey the commandment from god that tells me that i have to forgive and so i decide to do it i choose to decide to forgive well i just want to provide a little bit of context for people who may be watching us tonight and maybe you're not a believer maybe you're not a faith person of faith necessarily these are not necessarily the principles that that rule your life i hope you're receiving what we're saying though we may say it from a faith perspective what we're really trying to convey to you is that often in order to forgive in order to be free in order to get past it to get over it in order for life to continue for you in order for you not to be angry and mad and and and and um you know the rest of your life uh at someone to the point that it robs you of your happiness and your destiny and you begin to live in the past we just believe in a power that that we believe is inside of us there's a scripture that says uh now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that you could ask to think according to the power that worketh in you we do believe that there is a power that works in us that allows us to do things beyond the natural absolutely and so forgiveness is one of those things where we know we need that power i have the pleasure tonight of talking with sandra cobb she's a forgiveness coach she um certainly uh fatil facilitates uh not only her clients and personal counseling and coaching but of course i know uh other kind of webinar seminars and things that she does and just want you to follow her tonight on facebook i think it's sandra cobb is that correct that's cobb 1010 yes sandra cobb okay sandra cobb uh right there on facebook you'll get more information and inspiration from her as you continue to follow her we're going to continue this discussion and listen not only do you have that opportunity but there's soon to be a book yes sir that's coming out yes sir and i think this might be a good time to talk a little bit about it thank you sandra thank you the book is entitled free to forgive and it's an extension of the work that i do as a forgiveness coach and i wanted to talk to the heart of people that are struggling in this area of forgiveness my foundation scripture is john 10 10. i really believe that the enemy comes to rob steal and kill and and destroy and uses unforgiveness as is one of his weapons to do that because when you hold on to unforgiveness you're he's robbing you of your joy he's robbing you of your peace he's robbing you of your happiness he's robbing you of your hope he's robbing you of your future right so this this book i'm i'm sharing my story how i got here uh why i'm sharing right forgiveness is such a passion for me i in the in in our homes on the job in the pews your next door neighbor there's so many people struggling with unforgiveness and you can't tell it by what's on their face you you can't tell the struggles that they're going through so this book is going to share practical applications biblical applications on how to heal from wounds that have come from unforgiveness there i attack misconceptions about unforgiveness because a lot of people i think before you make a decision you need to have good information like you mentioned the misconception earlier that if if i forgive that means i have to forget or if i forgive that means i have to reconcile those are misconceptions and i don't want folk to to decide not to forgive based on misconceptions so i take time to talk about those and and then i offer also a suggested pathway to get you to a place of forgiveness so you can begin to live your the abundant life that god meant for us to have that's great that's great i know we're going to be looking for that if you connect to that facebook page sandra cobb you have an opportunity to get all of the latest updates on when the book is coming out i'm excited about it uh and how you can avail yourself of it again to those of you who are believers or those of you not believers understand that forgiveness is not just for believers forgiveness is something that all of us have to be in a position to do well i want to expand the discussion here just a little bit and maybe get into some scenarios we've got questions coming in there are people commenting as you share this as you like it of course as you leave your comments and concerns uh in the chat box there we appreciate that and i i want to respond i want us to respond to some of the concerns uh that you have had uh where uh these are really like the touch points i think of forgiveness uh this is when it gets a little deep where it gets a little visceral where it gets a little um intense and uh becomes very difficult because i think you know people generally speaking um you know want revenge that's kind of a natural response when you're hurt when you're a victim right the natural response is i want revenge i want to get that person back that person deserves to hurt i'm hurting i'm in pain that person deserves to hurt why don't we go and get people back why should we forgive them and not punish them i'm persuaded that the just punishment if there's to be just punishment will come from god if that's going to happen and i'm i'm not in a place to judge anyone and say what judge just punishment is i i will say this that you know there are rules of the land laws of the land that if certain things are done like murder or rape or other other crimes done against you you're going to be held accountable hopefully just by the laws of the land i also know though that i remember a time when someone said to me they had done something that was wrong and someone said to me i know you're going to forgive me because god tells you to forgive me so i know you're going to forgive me so what were you saying you think you can do anything to me because i'm going to forgive and i cried out to god you got to do something you got to do something because i i don't want this person to think that they can keep doing me wrong and get away with it and i walked into my office that day i had a calendar that had scriptures on it and i flipped the calendar to that particular day in this verse vengeance is mine save the lord i will repay so god is not uh unaware of the things that have been done to you guys not unaware of the things that we've gone through and i just believe he will take care of us and he he will work things out together for our good but going after trying to get revenge again you're not freeing yourself from from that how do you how how much is enough to punish someone and and then you put yourself at risk you know do you do you put yourself at risk for going to jail um or something even worse that could happen trying to retaliate god i i do i believe that we can leave those issues take them to god and he can handle them for us well certainly scripture helps to bolster that yes i will repay yes i mean i don't know how much more direct god could get with us right but to say to us i'm going to repay don't don't don't you touch it it's it belongs to me how i work this out how i even the score how i balance this out how this person is held accountable for what they do or what they say or what they've done is in my hands true and so what forgiveness does from a faith perspective is reminds me to trust the god i believe in so that he takes care absolutely of the situation and the individual without me ever having to have any malice true in my heart or to hold bitterness and resentment in my heart against that individual but to know that god has promised i will repay you know bishop what i've learned in this in this learning about unforgiveness from god is that god has won priority for all of our lives and that's that we be saved that every it's his will it is not his will whether that any would perish but all that would will come to repentance and be saved and when it comes to our offenders and it is best to leave it in god's hands because that's his always his motive right he's going to deal with what he's got to deal with but in the opportunity the person could repent the person could really have a changed heart and have a changed mind and come to know christ and god can handle that he's he's the best he's the best person to handle that that's great that's wonderful i hope you're being blessed by this and i hope that you're being helped this is so helpful to so many who are have suffered from all kinds of erosion in relationships erosion just in your self-determination erosion and division and uh not being um not being as as close and together and people not being on one accord just living in a divided world the divided world that we live in let's get into some real scenarios though let's ask some tougher questions let's go just a little bit deeper uh with this thing called forgiveness well let's start here um i have noticed uh during the last 19 months or so uh 20 months of of this coveted season that we've been in we still are not out of uh i know the president today made uh several and new policies uh with regard uh to this um but i i noticed how relationships became very strained i've noticed marital relationships very very strained coming out of this again we're seeking to come out i have noticed that there has been um quite a breach among people some of them maybe had to finally deal with each other deal with the situation i mean the average uh couple maybe uh getting up very early in the morning going their separate ways to work etc etc coming home at uh in the evening everybody's got a little something going on on the side whatever it may be in terms of their employment and maybe only seeing each other three or four hours a day right right but with covet people were home in your face they were in your face people were quarantined over a certain period and really for the first time in a long time had to really deal with each other right and that is where i think we saw a lot of stress points a lot of erosion in relationships what do you do when trust is broken in a relationship in a marriage as we put it in the context of forgiveness you know bishop when when someone offends you that you've given your heart to it's much harder to deal with the pain just just is so much worse when you've shared your heart and that person has broken that trust as opposed to a stranger right because you've shared dreams you've shared uh hopes you've you've shared your your most private thoughts and and everything so that that hurts tremendously one thing about forgiveness uh forgiveness is a decision like like you said forgiveness is absolutely a decision the healing part is another part of it so there's two phases that we need to look at you have to decide to forgive first but then there's time to heal from the offense and that that is a process and there's a process that god can take us through when we're honest about those feelings that we're having when we're honest about the issue whether it's marital problems or childhood issues whatever the issue the first thing you've got bishop you always say you can't conquer what you don't confront right it whatever the problems are mental problems we've got to deal with them you've got to say what it is what you're what you're feeling you've got to admit what you're feeling the other person can't just know you you've got to say is it possible it hurts like the dickens i'm choosing my words wisely it hurts like the dickens but it is possible that that god will first help we decide to forgive and then allow god to help us through that healing process and it won't happen overnight yeah i think a couple has to assess when there's infidelity when there's a breach in the relationship when there's uh indiscretions and other kinds of things are going on is there this is what i tell couples when i when i when i counsel them we've got to assess whether or not there's enough equity in the relationship enough love left on the table for us to reach for it and to be able to begin that healing process that you speak of so that we can get back to place where we can literally move forward again as a couple and oftentimes what you'll see is is that that equity that i speak of is not there and often i often tell couples who are struggling and grappling with this listen do everything you can as a married couple to build up that love equity so that if there comes a time where where you have to break the bank right right in order to save that marriage you'll have enough on the table to be able to do it so forgiveness is a is a tough thing um in marital relationships you know i what has come to me what people have shared with me is there are certain offenses that the world will label as unforgivable and that broken trust in a marriage relationship is one or um the the murder of a loved one you know is another one and as hard as it is as hard as it may be it is not unforgivable it is a choice it is a decision and there's work that you're going to have to do but it is not unforgivable yeah i think that there are people who have what they call their list of non-negotiables true and they place things in non-negotiables many times that they can't do themselves you know they they are not sure of in terms of themselves uh there are sometimes very legitimate things that are there and so i think it's important even if we were to take scripture then we know that every sin in the bible is forgivable except blasphemy blasphemy of the holy spirit of the holy spirit so if god says that to us then that is something for a faith believer to consider let's talk a little bit though in the family i see this all the time as a pastor and most especially uh many times when a senior relative is sick or passes away there's a sibling rivalry there is unrest in the family there are things that brothers and sisters for example have never forgiven each other for uh you know mama always liked you better than she liked me and uh daddy he was always daddy's favorite and etc etc etc etc and i see people literally as petty uh when someone passes away no i'm supposed to get the couch no you get the chair that type of thing uh it's like we're always looking for something from somebody that's passed away um i i i want to talk about that because i find that to be a very long-standing forgiveness issue when many times siblings are holding i mean holding resentment bitterness of with one another over the passage of many many years what do you have to say about that you know part of for some reason we are of the mind that if we don't talk about it it didn't really happen and so there are a lot of things that happen in our childhood that we just never address bishop uh and and it's not too late as long as we have breath we can we can address those issues and sometimes it's just a conversation to say you did this and it made me feel this way and sometimes there's misunderstandings right but i will you know you can there are people 50 year years old and holding something against the sibling that happened you know as a teenager and just because they haven't addressed it face it talk about it and and you can't decide to forgive and if you if you're angry you don't the bible doesn't tell us that we can't get angry when things are done wrong to us we're just so don't sin when we get angry but you get angry when you're done wrong and if a sibling has done you wrong it's okay to say that was wrong and you should say then give them an opportunity to to apologize and and decide to forgive them and sometimes when you talk about sibling rivalry our parents have a lot to do with it they should own their part of it you know how they they show favoritism and they kind of they breeded that that animosity between siblings probably not their intention but it happened so talk about it and and get it out in the air it's not it doesn't go away just because you don't acknowledge it what do we do when though when um the person that we really needed to talk to is no longer around they're deceased and we can't go to them and seek to resolve this how does a person then forgive a deceased person in their life who has that they feel has abused them in some way or whatever and we want to get to abuse before we close um abused them in some way violated them in some way or was just mistreating them missing that person's gone how do i forgive and move on forgiveness the intention behind forgiveness is not to [Music] demand an apology from the person that offended you it really is again freeing yourself and giving that gift back to yourself so even if the person that caused a great offense against you is no longer with us or in some cases it may even have been a stranger and you've never seen them right you still need to decide to forgive for yourself you can take that to god have a conversation with god you might write a letter to the person you know if you were here this is what i would say to you and decide still i forgive you and say the words you know so that you hear yourself say i forgive you for doing whatever that person did and it begins to release from your heart so you again can get start to that healing process so the person doesn't have to still be here if they were here great but that that happens frequently bishop that you know because things never got talked about um things were swept under the rug and but the pain wasn't the offense wasn't the hurt wasn't and at some point you you're probably going to hit a brick wall and you're going to have to address that that offense and you can do it even if they're gone this is great conversation i i really really really hope that uh but you're being helped by this tonight i hope that you're sharing this with someone i hope that you have invited a friend or a neighbor someone that you know a loved one co-worker whoever it is that's grappling with this thing forgiveness it may be someone who is no longer around that they can address how are you going to keep going on we're giving you the answers tonight we have given you um uh helpful hints toward forgiveness we've given you principles and given you wisdom i want to close with just a couple things one is let's talk about abuse just for a second there's child abuse for which again many times secrets are held and this is internalized where again it becomes poison in the system and people don't let it go what should i do you have to confront it you you have to admit to yourself first it happened and a lot of times we don't want to we don't want to address it because of who the offender was we don't want to say daddy did it we don't want to say mama did it we don't want to say uncle did it but perhaps they did and you need to call that out you you need to admit it and face it yourself that this act was done to you and it was wrong it wasn't right and and i need you to know this that when when someone offends you it's not a reflection of you it's not your fault it's reflection of the other person but a lot of times we take it on as if i must have done something wrong what what did i do to cause this to happen and it's not a reflection of you it's a reflection of the person that offended you you have to deal with it you can't keep it look we tried to sweep things under the rug 20 years ago and if you go back to the same rock bishop it's still under there but now this got a odor to it that's right that's right because it's been under this so long and you've taken that although you didn't want to address it you've taken into into your interpersonal relationships you've taken that offense into relationships with your children that bitterness is coming out as you interact with everyone that you're that's in your life and and you may not be totally aware of it and the people that love you are definitely clueless what did i do why are you treating me like this and it's because of some childhood event that took place and it was never dealt with we we had we can only conquer what we confront wow wow well listen let's move on now a lot of abuse takes place in childhood but then there's abuse that takes place in adulthood whether that is verbal or physical in relationships in marriages domestic violence is now off the charts i was a police commissioner here in detroit for 10 years and many of the stories many of the um uh charges and things that i would that would come across uh the table um were horrific stories of domestic violence as well and in those kinds of situations even when people move on as you say they often carry absolutely into other relationships or transmit to their children or even in the workplace a lot of times when you go to to a place of business and people are mean for no reason and this and that all the time there's some underlying stuff you're right bishop there's a reason there's a reason for that they're triggers to every behavior right and so talk a bit about domestic violence it's a huge huge issue it is a huge issue and in domestic violence although we often think that is violence against the women there are men who experience domestic violence as well absolutely the the the verbal abuse is just as bad as the physical abuse and again and i think that's the a perfect example of what you're going through if you're male or female and you're experiencing abuse of any type it is not because of you there's something going on with the person that's inflicting that pain on you and unfortunately oftentimes bishop is because they've experienced the same thing and never dealt with it cycles of abuse cycles of abuse psychosome of it there's help out there that that we can all get right and in it this help for the abused person and i wish there were more help for the abuser quite frankly because we have a lot of shelters where people can go to but if we can get to the heart of the abuser and stop the abuse from happening maybe we don't need as many shelters and you've mentioned something i think is very salient and that is there's intergenerational abuse there are abusers because they were abusive and this cycle continues continues continues just just intergenerationally for many many years the same kind of behavior and what this really means is is that this proliferates it does not diminish and it is evident in children and grandchildren and other progenitors of the of generations and those people are affected and don't even know why right they don't know why they are the way they are they just know that that's in them some sort of way because of the unforgiveness of success generations true true i just wish that um and i know it's hard bishop have you know conversations can be hard talking about your feelings can be very hard especially if they're negative feelings you know who who wants to keep reliving these these negative things that we've been through but maybe you are you keep reliving them whether you talk about them or not that somehow it's inside of you and it's impacting you and if you would just confront them and deal with them and decide that you're going to forgive one thing i hear often is well my offender has to apologize to me first huge misconception your your offender may never apologize to you it could be the case that they're not here like you mentioned earlier bishop it could be the case where they were total stranger they mean you may never get an apology and yet we're still expected to forgive you know this the scriptures and we talked about this this this week in bible study uh god commended his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners christ died for us to me that's my example of i hadn't apologized to god yet i hadn't said i'm sorry yet i hadn't tried to change yet and yet christ died for me all the while that i was a sinner so he he demonstrated for us your offender does not have to apologize if you get in if you get an apology that's gravy right but if you don't you can still apologize and and that's an area of abuse molestation physical abuse verbal abuse emotional abuse your your offender may not that your offender may not apologize but it's for your best interest if you decide to forgive anyway so and i'm going to ask you for a final word but what forgiveness really does is it allows me the one who's forgiving to move forward absolutely that that that and and the reason why i believe that god commands us does not suggest to us right you know god never suggests anything to us there's no suggestions in his word right there's a command either you obey it or you don't right but he commands us to forgive first of all because we can't be forgiven unless we forgive others um you know give us this day our daily bread forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us um but it's how we become whole enough to move forward absolutely you said that scripture while we were yet sinners while we were yet violators true while we were yet abusers true while we were yet sinners christ died for us so what forgiveness allows us to do is to move forward in our lives which is by the way the will of god amen it's his will that we would never be stagnant and stymied and stuck where we are but that we would continue to move forward when you when you decide that you're not going to forgive and you're going to hold on to unforgiveness it's like these huge weights on your ankles right that are tied to you and you think and you're trying your best to move forward but you've got all this weight that you've got to drag with you and it's just so much pain it's so much work when you forgive you free yourself of those weights you you drop them so that you can move forward and faster and get to the place where god wants you to be god does not want us to be weighed down like that god does not want us to suffer he doesn't want us to to feel like it's literally you feel like you're in bondage bishop you talk about prison there's a prison and actually the the resentment and bitterness and anger those become your walls that imprison you and the only way out is you using the key of forgiveness to set yourself free well i've had this marvelous conversation tonight with forgiveness coach sandra cobb what a great spirit you are what a wonderful person you are you not only talk this talk but you exemplify what you say and um much success to you may this be bishop uh a great opportunity for god to even launch you further you might be able to soar and uh we'll be looking for that book now give us the name of it again free to forgive all right free to forgive free to forgive you what's that subtitle there is no subtitle okay just free to forgive free to forgive well we are going to be free to forgive there's a book coming out very very soon that is authored by sandra cobb a lot of work that she's put uh into that book not a chapter that that's a contributor but an author a book that she has for us so that you and so that i can be free amen to forgive amen i want to thank you tonight for sharing with us in this vantage point special edition tonight as we have talked tonight about the gift of forgiveness i pray and it's my sincerest wish for you all that you will find yourself in the continuum of forgiveness understanding that it frees you understanding that if they don't apologize ever if they never come back and say that they're sorry you've got to release it you've got to let it go so that you can move on make sure you follow sandra cobb on facebook if you will you'll get all of the information the principles of wisdom that she shares about forgiveness uh all the time and you'll get the updates on all of what she's doing the new book that's coming out you can always follow me edgar van on every platform out there facebook instagram twitter uh tick tock now uh linkedin whatever uh i'm out there i wanna be where people are and i want to be able to uh influence and of course inspire uh people wherever they go thank you for being our guest tonight and listen you still have an opportunity to share this with someone you have an opportunity to like it you have an opportunity to view it again we love you god bless you this is the vantage point you

Channel: Second Ebenezer Church

Views: 419

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: gift of forgiveness, flawed but forgiven, second ebenezer, bishop edgar vann, edgar vann, second ebenezer church detroit, second ebenezer church, second ebenezer church bible study, second ebenezer bible study, Bible classes online, Ebenezer church, scriptures on forgiveness, bishop vann detroit, how to truly forgive and let go, strength in forgiveness, forgive yourself for past mistakes, The divine gift of forgiveness, vanntage point, forgiveness series

Id: f7MDmGu1Rjo

Length: 68min 33sec (4113 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 09 2021