The Undertaking (full documentary) | FRONTLINE

Thomas Lynch is a writer and a poet they die Around the Clock here without a parent preference for a day or the week there is no clear favorite in the way of Seasons he's also the funeral director in a small town in central Michigan a good funeral is one that gets the dead where they need to go and the living where they need to be Lynch's award-winning book The undertaking is a portrait of a life spent in the presence of the dead so much of what we do is held up to ridicule but it's just how you blur your eyes whether you want to see the silliness of what we humans do when someone dies or if you look at it carefully and see in it something deeply Sublime tonight on front line behind the scenes at a funeral home as an Undertaker and his family care for both the living and the dead [Music] thank you foreign [Music] every year I bury a couple hundred of my townspeople another two or three dozen I take to the Crematory to be burned I sell caskets Burial Vaults and urns for the ashes I have a sideline and headstones and monuments I do flowers on commission apart from the tangibles I sell the use of my building eleven thousand square feet furnished and fixtured with an abundance of pastel and chair rail and Crown moldings the whole lash-up is mortgaged and remortgaged well into the next century my Rolling Stock includes a hearse two fleetwoods and a minivan with darkened Windows our Priceless calls a service vehicle and everyone in town calls the dead wagon I am the only Undertaker in this town I have a corner on the market I think we have in some ways become estranged about death and the dead we're among the first couple generations for whom the presence of the dead at their own funerals has become optional we saw people start organizing sort of these commemorative events to which everyone was invited but the Dead Guy and I see that as probably not good news for the culture at Large up until a couple Generations ago humans dealt with death by dealing with their dead so that the way we processed mortality was by processing from one place to the other and both the dead and the living have some distance to go when someone we love dies well my father was a funeral director two of my brothers and I are Funeral Directors our brother-in-law is a funeral director five of our nieces and nephews our funeral directors and my son Patty is Henry mortuary school in the next few months I assist him in any way he needs me getting cars lined up helping him in church directing people here in the funeral home setting up flowers helping to dress and casket bodies and really just sort of a gopher my family is you know one of the largest family owned and operated funeral homes in the state of Michigan in the U.S for that matter good morning thank you for coming to commemorate the life of Bob the way I hear it put is that your dad works with dead people and I always knew it to be quite the opposite to that that my dad worked with living people we are the first ones to respond and we are the last ones to leave we are there from the beginning of the death process to the end [Music] our thing Who We Are what we do has always been about death and dying and grief and bereavement we traffic and leave takings goodbyes final respects [Music] it's an odd arithmetic a kind of Family Farm working the back 40 of the emotional register our livelihoods depending on the deaths of others in the way that Medicals depend on sickness and lawyers on crime and clergy on the fear of God Lynch and Sons Rachel Fowler speaking is this the spinal column and we'd like to order very much a more of a casket scarf rather than a casket spray so an abbreviated piece as we've ordered in the past thank you and they'd like to use red and white carnations and include a lot of greens and different types of leaves and things make it very masculine you'll see some of the caskets will have a different stain to them a lot of times with the Poplar caskets which my mother had a little stroke um about a month ago and um of course those things make you think more about what is going to happen and how you're going to arrange it so I began to think more seriously about it something like the pieta copper and something like the Newport stainless steel casket she doesn't want water to be inside her casket so if she's buried in the ground and you know it's a wet season of the year she wants to stay dry colors and everything she wanted a metal casket and she has always talked about having it sealed and having the Vault and these are things you know that I do know that she wants underneath this here is an actual gasket here and it locks with a key let's see it will seal yeah and it does it provides protection I could jot that down and we can always make we can always change it but why don't you do that I think I I would like that I think for her that would be nice I think and that shows virtually every place that it could be done we were thinking horizontal one right that one it can go right across the top right across this bar that'd be beautiful Bob because people can read it better well especially in the winter you know if it's down at the bottom and we get one of our Michigan snowfalls you know it could be covered the name could be covered when it's way down low like that I saw so many car times when death would occur and no plans had been made and we discussed it from time to time and finally decided on what we wanted and show you the draft of the obituary for both you and Gene yours would read this way Robert Kelly was born on March the 10th 1922 in El Reno Oklahoma he was the fifth of six children I know exactly what they're going to do one visitation Mass The Cremation burial side by side charged in 1946 and that same year married Jean Marie Larson Mr Kelly has been once the decision was made and we had that we knew it was taken care of that our sons would not have to set and answer all those questions [Music] we felt better we felt relieved it was just so complete totally out of our hands doing what we wanted a big killing across let me ask you first Anthony do you he's Anthony his middle he's Anthony John Anthony John spelling your last name v-e-r-i-n-o yep that's correct is he a junior or is he a second or is he he's not a technical yeah he's he's one of a kind he has no middle name so okay that makes him not a Jew and his date of birth is November the 18th 2004. Tim told me that you were a good friend of father mahers and am I do I have that yeah father time yeah is he aware what's going on with you guys yeah he actually um he spoke to my mom this morning so he he hears I don't you know there's always that social connection one way or the other but he said to my mom I heard that the baby's not doing so well and he wanted he said you know keep me informed and talk to Father time about this but my guess is he's going to encourage you to bring your family and friends and your boy into church and then then the other question would be whether after the mass um you would plan on having a burial or a cremation and I think a lot of people you know we we tend to think about these in you know as sort of like options like any other option until it comes right down to these difficult decisions then we say what is right for our boy you know it's been we've been able to talk about a lot of things and make some you know good decisions together on on a lot of you know on everything but this one's been we've talked about and we both have similar feelings on on different ways but I don't know if it's because we're just not it's not you know it's just hard to finalize that decision yeah and you needn't you know you need so and there again you'll want to look to your son to guide you through this when the time comes you'll know what to do I promise you you'll know what to do foreign this is Anthony our son who is um 24 months old and he is not a baby who communicates in any sort of normal expected way doesn't see doesn't make a noises or cry unless he's having seizures but he just has a this just overwhelming presence for us and I know he feels I know that he feels loved you know and he's just such a a big person you know in this small broken body so some folks in my family when he was going through some of the harder times well why you still get the question well why isn't he why isn't he eating and my answer is because he's dying you know and because he's dying he was born early almost 32 weeks and they weren't sure why he came premature because our pregnancy was very normal but they were sure that he had many severe problems and that his prognosis itself was really bleak we knew we had major heart problems we knew he had major issues with his brain and um at 18 months we we had a diagnosis which was a really rare genetic syndrome called CFC syndrome it's it's such a it seems so Sinister when you're talking about a child dying you know it just seems wrong and so you want to people feel more comfortable remaining hopeful oh well he just might get better or you know maybe this new medicine will work or maybe when he turns to or there's always like this hopeful future and we could we would a lot of times have to say they'll speak that with other people and then come home and feel feel different feel like that's really what wasn't going on we talked a little bit last time last week about um what it might look like if Anthony continues this decline yeah so it would be where he's very Dusky where his hands and his arms become very um dark and discolored and cold whom we're whom we're planning ahead it might even be in some ways a survival mechanism because if for us it gives us like steps and procedures of how to do something it's not uncomfortable for the baby I don't think we can really um imagine how we'll feel when he's gone I've spent two years with a very sick baby who from his birth has had significant problems and whose prognosis has never been bright um and every time we found something else out from the doctors it was always like one more thing that was worse and so even having that whole experience when I sit and think about the day waking up when he's gone I can't I can't prepare for that completely you know but it gives us steps things I guess Traditions or something that we follow that maybe will help us survive and um and finding a way to honor him there you go you're right all right [Music] can you hear your mom [Music] watching my parents I watched the meaning change of what it is that Undertakers do from something done with the dead to something done for the living to something done by the living every one of us thus undertakings are the things we do to vest the lives we lead against the cold the meaningless the void the noisy blather and the blinding dark it is the voice we give to wonderment to pain to Love and Desire anger and outrage the words that we shape into song and prayer taking is it then that does not seek to make some sense of life and living dying in the Dead here nice to meet you this is your Aunt this is my aunt is that Mrs Leonard or Miss Leonard Miss Leonard I'm Tom Lynch I'm pleased to meet you I'm going to sit down here and chat with you for a little bit okay Aunt Mary Mr Lynch would like to talk with you and I about what you would like to have about funeral arrangements and death preparation can you do you would you like to speak with him about that oh yes Mary was getting progressively worse she wanted very much to remain independent but it came to a point she realized she really couldn't be on her own she was diagnosed with lung cancer and within a couple of weeks she checked herself into hospice I don't know why she was so direct with death and dying she was not a woman of Faith she searched for it but she hadn't found it she felt she'd lived a very good life and she spoke openly of it cremation is what you've chosen cremation Aunt Mary would you like to be cremated yes I think the the main thing having her not be frightened made it so much easier to be there for her to talk about it death is not always something easy to discuss but she was so open about it it became comfortable just comfortable do you know what's ahead for you Mary no no I have no idea that that's kind of interesting what do you mean well what is going to come what will happen What is the next fixture I don't know I can't uh can't even guess what time do you have class 5 30 until 10. and that's what chemistry or bio do you have lab 7 to 10 and then tomorrow I've got 10 to uh three and so you could come in tomorrow evening if we need help on that visitation for The King Family good I have memories as a very little boy being brought over here with my father while he was working and watching him and his colleagues dress in casket bodies you know very quietly very reverently doing something for someone that can no longer do anything for themselves and even at a young age before I could articulate the importance of that kind of work I recognized it as something very significant and essential thank you [Music] foreign was ill for a relatively short period of time his cancer was diagnosed fairly late so he was healthy and out doing yard work in the summer and in hospice and very sick by the new year so it was a fairly quick progression my dad was not a real open person um through a lot of the illness there wasn't a lot of talking about it directly um but as he became very sick and was coming to terms with it internally he did start to talk about it more he would make comments about you know not being afraid of dying not being afraid of death but being tired of of the illness and wanting it to be over with foreign I was surprised by how important some of the details become having things look right and you know having a nice suit on or a nice sport coat on my dad hadn't been wearing anything but hospital gowns and sweatpants for months at that point and to be able to see him looking like himself um and you know with the coat and tie on ended up being a real comfort I think being in the presence of someone dying and and losing someone having someone die that you know is always more than you think it's going to be it's just the most sort of immediate and real experience that you can have in the case of my father we knew his illness was progressing and we knew he was dying but when it happens it's it's a reality that you're not prepared for until it until it comes foreign [Music] foreign of the dead as one of the most fundamental aspects of acknowledging grief reality can no longer be denied the death is literally staring them in the face when my mother died at age 65 and my father came into our funeral home and for the first time stood at the casket of his wife of over 40 years his sweetheart since childhood he turned to us and he said for over 40 years I've been telling people how important this is this moment when we see our dead but I never fully appreciated it until right now and seeing my mother dead and seeing my father dead I believe that's absolutely true that we can imagine it but to experience it is an entirely different thing we've set aside this hour to remember celebrate the worth and the meaning and the significance of the life of Dennis Arthur King for never did anyone touch the line where death means nothing life is meaningless without leaving behind much just as we declare the living alive through baptisms and Lovers In Love by nuptials funerals are the way we close the gap between the death that happens and the death that matters it's how we assign meaning to our remarkable histories and the rituals we devise to conduct the living and beloved and the dead from one status to another have less to do with performance than with meaning we encourage people to take as much time as they need with their debt to see them wake them carry them to their final resting place whether it be cremating the body or burying it to see it sort of in its final phase we'll just guide the Caster right onto the I view cremation as an alternative to burial or entombment as opposed to an alternative to a funeral but many people don't know that they can go and that they can bear witness to that placement of their loved one into that retort into that Crematory [Music] [Music] push him in all the way fellas you're welcome to [Music] almost everybody can remember sometime in their youth or childhood or adulthood having been present for the burial of someone in their family or someone in their circle of friends but if you ask any group of ordinary citizens how many here have attended a cremation there are very few hands raised in the room but there's no question that cremation has become normative in a way that it used to be exceptional foreign [Music] [Music] when I die I told my wife I don't care I don't I have nothing against cremation I have nothing against burial I guess maybe that's being in the business it's to me it's just a vehicle you're putting in the ground the person's not there we allow families to be as involved in in the burial processes as they would like to be something about being there and shoveling the dirt even on your loved one that gives you a sense of peace When You See It lowering in the ground you realize that there's no turning back you'll never see that person in this lifetime again if you walk around the cemetery you know you see the families that were original settlers of the area and just kind of travel through time with these families you see who married who and women who lost three or four children women who died in childbirth just all of these histories that are kind of documented there and underneath the oak trees and it is it's a beautiful place I do go there sometimes he thinks it's a little creepy um not the cemetery itself but the idea of just going walking to a cemetery for uh a reason other than to bury someone but I like that to see the history and I feel some sort of almost kinship with these women who have buried these children you know you see those tiny little tombstones and you see these stories and then we have this story ourselves you know um and since some ways kind of comforting or something I don't know why but just to feel like we're part of this history and that others have gone through it and uh and we're just one more family you know with our own child and our own grief and um and also our own will to survive because we have to go on without him you know he will be gone and our story will continue just like those other families you know foreign [Music] ready to sleep huh did I remember in those first years as a father and a funeral director knew at making babies end up burying them I would often wake in the middle of the night sneak into the rooms where my sons and daughters slept and bend their crib sides to hear them breathe like my father I had learned to fear the children grew so too the bodies of dead boys and girls I was called upon to bury I would not keep in stock in inventory of children's caskets I'd order them as the need arose in sizes and half sizes from two foot to five foot six often estimating the size of a dead child not yet released from the county Morgue by the size of my own children safe and thriving and alive and the caskets I ordered were invariably Purity and gold with angels on the corners and sheared crepe Interiors of powdery pink or baby blue and I would never charge more than the wholesale cost of the casket throw in our services free of charge with the Hope in my heart that God would in turn spare me the hollowing grief of these parents [Music] thank you foreign speaking hi amateurs okay everyone's taking the time that they need good okay we'll make our way over there shortly is there any concerns or questions that that you have or that any of the family has before we make a of course we are you know just a short distance from you so we should be over momentarily and um we'll see in a bit okay you're welcome bye-bye they're ready on the casket that they had made so they'll have blankets and they will um they're going to have a couple of things to place with them okay we'll just leave it here I'll put that jumpsuit up real quick okay foreign [Music] [Music] to tell you what happened about someone dying what they're giving you is a narrative they're telling you their story and I noticed this about grieving people that the story takes on sort of a repetitious Road characteristic as if it was you know Like a Prayer he woke up in the middle of the night he asked for a glass of water I brought it to him he took a sip and then there was this heave and he was gone I woke up to a sound I can see him clearly because the moon was out and when I looked at him I could see that his breathing slowed and um I watched him take his last three breaths and um the hard part is and I don't know maybe it's the great part is that everything uh everything inside me the mother in me was just saying go it was time for him to go [Music] [Music] I saw her hands changing color they were getting blue and I said are you cold is she cold and then it seemed that Mary was having trouble breathing so we let the nurse know and she came in and gave her a shot to make her more comfortable and she was gone she just stopped everything just stopped I touched her I I rubbed her arm my sister did we said our goodbyes I stayed for a little bit and then they were coming to take her away and uh I just laughed did you have Adventures uh no she's got her own teeth okay and no valuables are going with her and the death certificate is here one two three to undertake is to bind oneself to the performance of a task to pledge your promise to get it done among the several duties of a funeral director is of course the disposal of the Dead for the living sake the Dead Eye Berry and burn are like the dead before them for whom time and space Have Become mortally unimportant whatever being the dead have now they have by the living's faith alone go ahead song you can fill that when we bring someone here to the funeral home from the place where they've died the first thing we do is replace them onto the embalming table foreign and then we'd make an assessment of the condition of the individual's body their hands are positioned their head is placed on a block to position it and then we set the features the terminology for closing one's eyes and closing the mouth setting and positioning the features so that there's a pleasant appearance if that's at all possible we'll be right in here you'll see the blueness of a vein first is that it right there is that a muscle that's the baby work the fingers side to side and and try to release any of the rigor mortis that's there [Applause] after someone's embalmed the first things I tried to see are what sort of positive things have happened as a result of the embalming the filling out of their tissues someone's coloration changing to more of a normal pigment what I'm really trying to achieve is you know a sense of realism not so much that you're trying to beautify someone is that you're trying to identify someone but no matter what size paintbrush you use it's impossible to erase deaths After Effects I think the sheer motionlessness of of someone eyes closed mouth closed you know no matter what Pleasant expression someone has the Stillness about the room the flat pulse I think you can feel that when my father died and I remember seeing the body on the table horizontal and uh I remember thinking this is what my father will look like when he's dead and then I can remember thinking this is my father dead and it was like a door closing between tenses you know not this is this is what he'll look like this is him it's going from the idea of the thing to the thing itself seeing what we know to be true and don't want to be true I was shaking before I saw him you know the first time in the casket and uh then I take one look and I'm like he looked beautiful to me I mean there he was you know yeah he was so peaceful I think the part that was hard is uh knowing that I wouldn't be able to hold him realizing that he really was gone from his body and not you know coming back to me and uh even though again my logical mind understands it's a hard realization we bless you now Anthony John with this holy water that recalls the day you were reborn and the Living Waters of baptism I know there's things I want to believe you know I want to believe in heaven I want to believe that I'll see him again dead by the glory of the father and I want some connection with him to know that I can have that even when his life here is gone [Music] I think a lot of people have questions with religion and um and certainly none of us knows for sure what happens you know after we pass and there's a strangeness about sending your child first I kind of feel like you know I kind of have to take my own chances when the time comes and I do that on my own terms and I'm willing to accept the unknown for myself but when you have to send to someone first it's harder to swallow I was happy we had carried Anthony that meant a lot to me I don't really want anyone to do it except the two of us I was glad we did that we decided at the cemetery right then that we would lower him with our fathers yeah for me it wasn't um as difficult as like uh taking his body from the house putting it in the car or closing the casket I think for me uh once the casket was closed like that part was closed and um I kept focusing on the fact that the part of him that wasn't just his body was was really gone so at that point for me it was you know his precious remains you know a place I like to go back to but not him so there's the missing of him knowing that now he's out of my reach um but uh for me that part was more his remains in a reverent moment but not as painful for me as the other two [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] I'd rather it be February the month I first became a father in the month my father died I wanted cold I want a mess made in the snow so that the earth looks wounded forced open an unwilling participant forego the tent stand openly to the weather get the larger equipment out of sight it's a distraction but have the sexton all dirt and indifference remain at hand [Music] go to the hole in the ground stand over it look into it wonder and be cold but stay until it's over until it's done [Music] thank you foreign is that while the dead don't care the dead matter the dead matter to the living [Music] in accompanying the Dead getting them where they need to go we get where we need to be to the edge of that Oblivion and then re returned to life with a certain knowledge that life has changed thank you [Music] [Music] next time on Frontline world if you don't co-operate I'll put you in a dark Hall it is called rendition no one will know anything about you suspects taken from their lives and delivered to secret prisons prisons where we'll do anything to get information whether it's true or not does it work and at what cost we can't become a renegade country we're a country of laws extraordinary rendition next time on Frontline world foreign lines the undertaking on DVD call PBS home video at 1-800 play PBS Frontline is made possible by contributions to your PBS station from viewers like you thank you with major funding from the John D and Catherine T McArthur Foundation helping to build a more just world [Music] and additional funding from the park Foundation [Music]

Channel: FRONTLINE PBS | Official

Views: 1,936,255

Keywords:

Id: wPXqf7FZIT8

Length: 53min 38sec (3218 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 11 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/JustaJordan]

Seeing Anthony before and after death was pretty heart wrenching. Great video tho

[u/Shirowoh]

Very fascinating and informative, clinical look at the death and funeral process. If you are uncomfortable with death, maybe skip this one

[u/jumpinjetjnet]

This is excellent. While the practicality of the dead and preparation of their bodies is shown it is done with sensitivity and tenderness. The town is very fortunate to have such a thoughtful and empathetic family as it's funeral directors. Also, the young couple were so generous to allow themselves to be included during such a time. I hope they are doing well.