Blood. So much blood. Heracles awoke from the madness that
had descended on him, only to see his hands red and slick, his body covered, and the walls of his house splashed with the blood of his family. In a fit of rage, which Hera, the jealous wife of Zeus, had cast upon him, he had slaughtered everyone he loved and held dear. So Heracles travelled to Delphi to ask how he might atone for his sin. And he was told to go to his cousin, King Eurystheus, and, for 12 years, complete whatever tasks he might ask. If he could achieve all that was asked of him, he would be redeemed in the eyes of the gods. Simple, right? Well, Eurystheus then laid out the 10 tasks for him: 1. Slay the Nemean lion 2. Vanquish the nine-headed Lernaean Hydra 3. Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis 4. Subdue the great erymanthian boar and
return with it alive 5. Clean the Aegean stables in a single day 6. Get rid of the man-eating birds of Stymphalia 7. Capture the father of the Minotaur, the Cretan Bull 8. Steal the horse of Diomedes 9. obtain the girdle of Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons, and finally 10. Procure the cattle of the giant Geryon. Now, all of these are basically impossible. But who's going to let a little thing like that stop them? Certainly not Heracles. So he immediately set off, heading high into the mountains of Nemea, tracking the lion. He carried with him his sturdy bow and quiver of arrows. But as he passed an olive tree, he had a Great Hero Thought™ "I'm not nearly armed-to-the-teeth enough, and you know what that tree would be good for? Hitting things. Ha ha! "I should rip it out of the ground and hit things with it!" And so he did. Then, once he was done deforesting the mountainside, he spied the lion, jaws dripping with the
remains of its last kill. He ducked down into a thicket, and as the beast passed, he loosed arrow after arrow into its tawny hide. But rather than sink deep, they merely bounced off, as though they had struck the stone of the mountain itself. The beast, now noticing Heracles, turned to him and sprung. But as it leapt, he struck it with the great olive tree club - struck it with such a blow that only a child of Zeus could make. Dazed, the lion fled back to its lair, but Heracles blocked its only escape. Casting aside his bow, he threw himself upon it, and with his bare hands, choked the creature to death. He then took his knife and tried to skin it. But no matter how sharp he made his blade, it simply wouldn't pierce the creature's impervious skin. After trying this for a while, Athena at last put in his mind the idea of using the Lion's own claws against it. And thus did he flay the lion and take its
hide to wear as armor. You know what, just to keep track, I'll write all this stuff on his character sheet... Ok, +1 lion-hide armor and Tree Club of Smacking. Great, loot accounted for! Where were we? Oh right. With the first task done, he set off with his nephew and charioteer, Iolaus, to hunt the second beast: the great Hydra, whose heads are immortal and whose mouths drip the deadliest venom. As they approached the swamp where it was said to live, they saw the devastation it had wrought. Fields were barren, and the people who it had not consumed hid, huddling in their houses. Then, high on a hill, they found the monster's lair, and Heracles sprang from his chariot, launching arrows of fire at the scaly beast. Its nine heads rose up, swaying and hissing, but the fire drove it back. At last, Heracles rushed the great serpent and pinned him with his bare arms. Then, one by one, he hacked off the heads. But for each one he severed, two grew in its place. Hail Hydra! To make matters worse, it was all like, "Oh you got a sidekick? "Well, I got a sidekick too!" (except, you know, that was probably in all hisses) and a giant crab rose out of the swamp to start pinching Heracles as well. But it proved merely a distraction, because he crab-punted it out of the stratosphere and it actually became the constellation Cancer. But then Heracles was all like, "Oh yeah? Well, my sidekick's got sick burns!" cuing Iolaus to use burning brands and cauterize the Serpent's necks as Heracles severed each head. At last, the serpent lay slain at their feet. Then, seeing an opportunity for a sweet buff, Heracles dipped his arrows in the Hydra's
poisonous blood, rendering them deadly to any they even scratched. Ok, so poison arrows *also* added... Resourceful player, this one! The next task, though, would take a
completely different set of skills. For he was to catch, not kill, the golden-horned and iron-hoofed Hind of Artemis. For a year, he chased it, until at last, it lay down in exhaustion. But just as he was about to seize it, it got up and made one more dash. And seeing that it was about to escape, Heracles loosed an arrow and wounded it grievously. Then as he trussed it to take back, Artemis herself appeared before him in wrath. But Heracles, you see, simply explained his penance set out to him by the gods, and then Artemis healed the Hind and let
him take it with him. AKA, he rolled a nat-20 on persuasion. Next he had to subdue the great and terrible boar that had been terrorizing the Erymanthian countryside. But you know, on the way, he stopped at the house of Pholos the Centaur. Pholos welcomed him in and offered him food. But then Heracles asked if he could have
something to drink, too. 'Cause you know, if you give a Heracles a
cookie... you get the idea. Pholos told him that he did have one great vessel of wine given by Dionysus himself... but sadly, it was joint property of all of the centaurs and he feared to open it without them. But Heracles convinced him to break the seal. No sooner was this done than the other centaurs smelled the fumes of the precious wine and came racing towards Pholos's house. Then two of them, enraged, charged through the front door. Heracles grabbed flaming logs from the fireplace and hurled them at the attackers, driving them back. Then he grabbed his bow and charged them, loosing arrows at centaurs as he went. [arrow noise] An arrow had pierced through one of the centaurs he was chasing, and it hit Heracles's friend, Chiron, the wisest of the centaurs, in the knee. Chiron cried out, for the Hydra's venom made the wound fatal. Heracles raced over to aid his old friend. But no healing, not even the healing Chiron himself had taught him, was to any avail. However, Chiron was immortal, so the wound, though fatal to any mortal being, simply left him in perpetual agony. So at this point, Heracles could only do
one thing for his old friend: promise to one day find a way for him to die. Then Heracles continued on his hunt. He drove the great boar into a snow field, and when it exhausted itself deep in the bank of snow, he threw a net over it and captured it alive. Though unfortunately, while he was doing this, Pholos had drawn one of the arrows out of a dead centaur, curious how such a small weapon could
wreak such harm. And in doing so, it slipped through his clumsy fingers and pierced his foot, killing him instantly. So in other words, he got distracted drinking with friends and then left a bunch of non-war-related collateral damage in his heroic wake. Now we're really starting to feel like an RPG. Up next was the task to clean the great
stables of Augeas, the man who owned the most cattle in all of Greece. When Heracles presented himself, he boasted to Augeas that he could clean
his stable in a day, and Augeas, not knowing who he was talking to, laughed to himself and then offered Heracles a tenth of his herd if he could pull off such a feat, knowing full well that it was impossible. But when he went to watch Heracles work, rather than picking up a shovel, he saw Heracles rip up the very foundation of his stable, then divert two rivers to flow through it. And so in a night, his stable was clean. (Though not exactly in the state he desired.) Of course, there was a big court case about this, the upshot of which being that Heracles got paid in cows, but Augeas exiled his own son for being a snitch. Okay, so that's +200 cattle. Would I put that under inventory or currency in ancient Greece? Oh, sorry, you know what, character sheet updates can take forever. So I'll work on this until next time, when Heracles goes for the next five labors and maybe even a few bonus ones. Phat loot for days! Legendary thanks to patrons Amatzia Dirk and Kyle Murgatroyd.
